The No Contact Rule means that you have to go cold turkey but you put yourself in the driving seat, create your own closure, and you start to control the relationship that you have perceived as uncontrollable. It is an exit strategy and trust me, you will use the No Contact Rule if you truly want to exit a poor relationship and want to get back your sense of self.
In Part 1, I explained what the No Contact Rule is, why we avoid it, and some tips to get you started and in this post I am giving some guidance on when to apply the rule.
How do you know if you need to apply the No Contact Rule?
No contact is a pretty harsh way to cut things off but it’s increasingly needed because of the type of dating habits that both men and women are adopting. As women, we seem to love being with men that are disconnected and unavailable for relationship duty, and who can’t commit to being with us…and can’t commit to not being with us.
If you are experiencing any of the following, you need the No Contact Rule (NCR) for your sanity, nevermind anything else:
You have no endings. You have a number of ‘ex’ boyfriends that call you up to get nostalgic, get the lowdown on whether you’ve moved on, and also to get busy with you. As a result, you’re not technically finished with a lot of the men in your past.
Can’t break, won’t break. When a man keeps popping back up in your life, despite having nothing more to offer than when you dumped him (or he exited) and despite your insistence to stay away, he does anything but.
You won’t let go. You’re one of those women that hopes too much. You haven’t cut the contact because you think he’s going to turn from a cockroach, into a frog, and then eventually into a prince. You think you’re chasing and holding out for a man that’s playing hard to get, when in actual fact, he’s not trying to be caught…
When they pull The Friend Card. Many men lack the balls to live with the feeling of knowing that they’ve behaved badly, so they throw you The Friend Card so that they feel like less of a sh*t than they really are. It is a gateway into your life and if you haven’t gotten over him and broken the emotional tie, it sets you back and prevents you from getting over him and moving on.
You have exchanged the ‘girlfriend’ role for the booty call one. Never take a demotion in the hope that it will enable you to get a promotion!
He blows hot and cold. Blowing hot and cold is Mr Unavailable’s (emotionally unavailable guys) way of controlling the relationship, keeping you at a distance, and keeping you in check, but when he blows hot, it’s not because he wants you, it’s just because he’s balancing things out so that he can keep you on ice for a bit longer.
You have a low self-esteem, bad dating and relationship habits, and are struggling to let go of old feelings.
Don’t use the No Contact Rule to:
Break off a relationship for the first time. Do the decent thing woman! Unless the man is downright crazy or abusive, the first time you guys finish, a bit of an explanation wouldn’t go astray!
End your marriage. The NCR is not for marriages. Not only do you need to stay in touch for your divorce, but it’s a pretty nasty way to end a relationship with someone you were prepared to legally bind yourself to!
Playing games. Ladies, ladies, LADIES! Stop playing games because it will backfire, you will bite off more than you can chew, and you will falsely impact on the relationship. Pulling the NCR to test if he’s interested is childish, plus, if he is emotionally unavailable, he will blow hot…and then blow cold when he’s comfy putting you right back to square one.
Is the No Contact Rule permanent?
It is as permanent as you want it to be, but the golden rule is that you can only restart or accept contact when you are completely over him and have moved on. I suggest making it permanent for men that add little value to your life. There is no point in keeping contact for ego’s sake, as it will be mostly his ego that gets massaged.
At the bare minimum, the no contact rule should be enforced for two to three months. For men that tend to disappear and then reappear when it suits, take the longest period of time that they’ve ever disappeared for and add a month.
Think of it like giving up smoking - It’ll hurt in the short-term and you’ll be tempted to light up a few times in the first few weeks, but after a while, you feel better than you expected and time is disappearing.
Move on ladies and learn to let go! If you had to do the NCR in the first place, it’s in recognition of the fact that he didn’t treat you well, he didn’t respect your previous wishes to leave you alone to get on with your life, and he didn’t respect your wishes when you said “I’ll call you, don’t call me”. Now why would you want to be friends with someone who can’t follow basic instructions but still expected to slip back into your life when it suited, and hope that you’d break him off a piece?
In Part 3, I will put the definitive list of the best ways to cut the contact, including some suggested by readers. If you have any suggestions or real life tales of cutting contact, don’t forget to include them in the comments box.
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15 responses so far ↓
1 Ashley // Feb 1, 2008 at 7:15 pm
I think the NCR is a great one. It does work, but it is difficult. I handled my NCR recently by going a minimum of 60 days of “no contact” and I kept a log/journal that also incorporated some goal setting too. What that did for me was help me focus on things other than not being in contact with my ex and it also helped me express the emotions I was feeling about it. It was interesting to be able to look back and see my progress into a stronger person that felt better about myself (and indifferent about him).
Venting: here you vent any emotion, negative, positive about him - only if you need to. It’s good to say “indifferent” too because that’s a good sign.
List 3 positive goals for the day
List 3 health (nutrition/exercise, etc..) related goals of the day
And at the end of the day -
Note 3 positive things that happened that day
Note if you met your goals
It might be too much for some people, but I found the process very grounding. I even still do it (not as religously)- just to keep me focused on living a positive life.
This is what it entailed:
I created a log entry that included the following things:
Date
Days of no contact: 1 out of 60, 2 of 60, etc…
Note: if you have a day of contact, that day doesn’t count to the total. If you end up relapsing and end up in bed with him - you have to go back to day 1. Kissing, holding hands, “discussions” - maybe back 2-4 weeks.
2 cheekie1969 // Feb 1, 2008 at 9:25 pm
I guess we all do this or have done, haven’t we…ugh! My problem is that I am trying to be a ‘nicer’ person, and all the ‘cool kids’ seem to be friends with their ex’s.
Why is it that it never seems to work that way for me?
Frankly, I think a couple of those items you listed above (ahem-not gonna say) are applicable to me.
What about an asshat into just a hat? I know, usually it’s just the ‘ass’…
can’t wait for 3!
3 Hot Alpha Female // Feb 2, 2008 at 1:16 am
Hi Ashley,
Whoa just want to say that it looks like your doing really well! I think having goals and doing all that stuff is great because it gets you to focus more on yourself.
Sometimes in relationships we lose focus of who we are, and the NCR allows us to rediscover it.
I would say one addition to that post. Sometimes when we become too available to one guy they start losing interest. This is nothing to do with us, but more on how guys actually function.
So sometimes applying the NCR temporarily can get your man to snap out of it and start appreciating it with you again.
For example : Say you’ve been dating this guy for like 2 months or something. Then the past week he has stopped calling as much and talking to you. Usually this bad behavior is interpreted by us AS “oh crap we are losing him” so we do out best to regain his attention more. We start texting and calling him and wanting to see him.
But this bad behavior can be good news for you. Usually after you start dating someone for a little bit and the relationship is ready to become a bit mor serious. The guy pulls back a bit to take a bit of a breather before he jumps into more hot water.
So during this time, applying the NCR loosely works extremely well. This meaning to say that you allow him to contact YOU. You apply the NCR to yourself. So you dont personally contact him, but wait till he wants to talk to you. Usually after a week or two, if he is truly interested in you he will come around again and start where you left off.
Its not playing games, its more just understanding the needs of men and essentially giving them what they want, without them realizing it.
So i guess the NCR can apply to breakups and dating in general!
Cheers
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
4 nysharon // Feb 3, 2008 at 5:28 pm
OK here are mine and they are proven in personal trials in my posse:
This is not a game to get him back. This is when he is a serious toxic poison in your life.
1. Avoid alcohol during the first month. It is a depressant and kryptonite to us. If you run into him socially, you can think on your feet better.
2. Get caller ID and replace his name with some idiotic symbol of a bad trait of his. (ex. the controller). At some point erase his number and don’t answer unknown callers ever (they have been known to call from other phones or restrict the number).
3. Pick a sponsor and solicit their help, who will be supportive, talk you out of calling him and be available to you to remind you of the pain and give you positive messages about your wide open future.
4. If alcohol and a social event are in the picture, ask your sponsor to take all your cordless phones in a zip lock bag and hide them. Mobile devices they hold for you. You get the picture. If sponsor is not available, get someone else or don’t go.
5. Change your routine up a bit and do special things for yourself. Go to the gym more, get a massage, and enjoy doing these things alone–A fresh start attitude.
6. Journaling is good and helps you to see your progress as the fog clears.
7. On a small card, write a brief snapshot list of memory triggers for you on the worse things he did or a mind imprint of something hurtful he said. These should be the ones that evoke the most terrible emotions from you. Keep this list in your purse and copies in other places for easy access.
8. Have prepared a two or three word response for him if he happens to catch you unaware by phone or “bump” in to him.
9. Do not start dating like crazy hoping to distract yourself. We all do this but it is bad. You end up comparing that person and you are not emotionally available yet. Take at least a month of he-tox to be in the right space. It’s not fair to do that to anyone new anyway (bad dating karma) and if he likes you he will wait around a little. It shows him that you take care of yourself and are a centered person.
10. Avoid all revengeful acts. Your vengeance is unplugging and moving on. (Although fantasizing about it may be therapeutic in the process.) LOL
11. Forgiveness is OK, but forgetfulness is NOT.
5 Astelle // Feb 6, 2008 at 1:02 am
I feel much better since I cut the contact. Yes, I will admit that I catch myself wondering “does he even notice?”
Now that I understand a lot more about EUM and the way he treated me and I also learned that I let him get away with everything, I would be to embarrassed to ever make contact with him, I wouldn’t know if I should cry or laugh? I chased this “prince” for a long time!!! Ladies, does anybody else feels embarrassed?
6 Hot Alpha Female // Feb 6, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Hi Astelle,
I would say try not to be so hard on yourself. Everything that happens to us in life is there to teach us something about ourselves.
Things always seem crazy when you have the hots for a guy (aka highly attracted to him). But after you get some space from him and gain a little clarity, you will realize that really it was all just a bit silly.
Eg I was highly attracted to EUM. Could not stop talking and thinking bout him. Until i realized that he was EUM! So I cut contact with him immediately. In that time i did not speak to him, I was able to remove the rose tinted glasses and find that he was quite immature, a bit of an idiot and most importantly not on my level
By the end of that I was baffled why I had wasted so much time, effort and thought on him
All the best with it =)
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
7 Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 3 // Feb 22, 2008 at 10:53 am
[...] a{display:inline !important;padding: 0 !important;margin: 0 !important;} ← Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 2 Advice: Do emotionally unavailable men change or should we just have an open marriage? [...]
8 sophia // Mar 1, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Astelle,
embarrassment and shame are what keeps me in a 6 yr non-relationship. I stay because I can’t believe I’ve been played, used, neglected…given everything and received nothing in return…oh…maybe phone contact everyday for 2 yrs,nothing more than attention… vistits out of state, which I paid for…fun for sure…and promises that he can see a relationship if I ” just chill, and let the relationship develope” whatever that means…the NCR is my only hope out of this…
9 danielle // Mar 1, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Hi Sophia,
I have recently found this sight but you will find that alot of us are in the same situation. I read comments and blogs everyday from the sight and sometimes I just sit here with my mouth wide open and in shock saying “OH MY GOD THATS MY MAN” ……
So many things that I have read on here have been an eye opener, I admit I am still with my EUM(emotionally unaval man) but am working on getting out. For such a long time I sat here blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong but almost everytime I read something whether it be “Do women really like to date bad boys” or “how to spot emotionally unavailable men” to everything else, I find that 90% of the decription fits my man. I have sat here for 2 yrs making excuses and letting him disappear and come back, while telling me whats wrong with me and having me change certain things, to watching him put work his friends and everything else before me.
So my advice is to go through and read some different topics and the posts that people, including myself, have left, and hopefully you also will find the strenght to do what you need to do. Good luck, and remember you’re not alone….xoxox
10 sophia // Mar 3, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Thank you Danielle,
I’m doing okay…he’s made it easy, if not impowering, as I have not heard from him in 3 days. This is a long time for him to go without contacting me. He is out of state, so I’m sure he has met someone that is occupying his time…no tears though and I haven’t contacted him…so far so good….
11 danielle // Mar 4, 2008 at 7:03 am
Glad that you are doing ok. I also have not really talked to my guy since fri. He left for Bike week w his guy friends…. i get a short tx and when I tx him back he doesnt respond. He has no idea that i have been very enlightened by this sight and am on my way to ending things for good. 2 years of waiting, crying, changing and everything else only to STILL get nothing in return, let alone any respect. NOT RIGHT!! I guess getting mad is good cause only then are we ready to do something better for ourselves. xoxoxo
12 Cmdg // Mar 6, 2008 at 1:51 pm
no contact - day 1….. you can imagine. I am blogging my brains out instead of any contact.
I CAN do this. there is no point in denying the facts - this relationship, as much as we “love” each other, does not work.
Hugs to all you ladies and thanks for sharing all of your experiences bc they have made me strong enough to do NC vs “pretend” to be friends w/ him.
13 Cmdg // Mar 6, 2008 at 1:55 pm
lol -ps: the vindictive side of me KNOWS he is not going to take this well (after going back having the same old conversation where we just couldn’t see eye to eye - I left it on VOICE MAIL! Yeah me! no need for that damn closure conversation). Anyway, he’s a proud one, so I highly doubt he’ll try to contact me to “negotiate” some kind of friendship. Does that make me sad? Probably will along the way, but I am just trying to keep this forefront in my mind: THIS RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT WORK.
14 Bill // Mar 27, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Hi, looks like I will be the only guy to post and perhaps give the otherside’s perspective. My GF of 5 years recently broke up with me 3 weeks ago, she means business. I have been hoping against hope that we could reconcile. The most hurtful thing I have to deal with are the mistakes I made in the relationship, many many times I had the opportunity to make a difference in how things were going. I was either to stubborn, too stupid, or not as IN love as I thought I was. Sometimes your in a relationship based on needs, not wants. From what I have learned lately I should be in the relationship I want. I guess at a subconcious level this was not the one I wanted and she finally could not take up wioth my excuses, lies and outright reckless behavior. She had the courage to put a stop to is and nothing I could say or do can change it. I am besides myslef in grief, I have lost about 10 lbs and cannot sleep at night for more the 4 hours. I wake up every couple of hours with the grim reality of her gone from my life. What a FOOL I have been, now there is only pain and lessons to be learned about who I truly am. This is the way men have to learn sometime and it is a SHAME ! Too all you good women out there I send my message, your love may have hurt but it was not in vain. Much is to be learned..now I have to live with my decisions and remember when a woman truly loves you their needs to be love, honesty and respect reciprocated…She was the best woman I have ever known..God Help Me !
15 Kj // Apr 15, 2008 at 2:07 am
YES I”M EMBARASSED!! I chased this guy and when he got “silent” (an online relationship)… I went crazy…. I’m supprised AND embarassed at how I responded to what I intreperted as REJECTION! Even in the very begninning he said I was “out of his league” meaning I was too smart and sexy and good looking for him. But I set out to prove him wrong.. I chased and now… no closure but silence on his part. I started the NCR on THurs but broke it on Sat night after a night of drinking so I’m back to the beginning. I’m sure he’s convinced I will contact him … since I did set that pattern.
Part of me wants him to contact me … the ego boost thing. His silence is deadening!!! UGH
So I sit here and browse the directory to see if he’s online then… stew.
This whole thing has paralized me.
NCR day 2.
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