New here? Subscribe to my RSS feed or via email. Or follow viaFacebook or Twitter. Also check out my ebooks - The No Contact Ruleand Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl.
There are two key things that everyone desires and fears in life; acceptance and rejection, and where you don’t get one, you get the other. One of the most difficult things for someone who has been involved with a Mr Unavailable or assclown is the lingering feeling of rejection, something that most people experience in relationships.
I think on some level, many of you recognise that these guys are not worthy of your time, and the confusion and rejection kicks in, because you can’t understand why someone who is unworthy of your time would reject someone like you, because you know you’re better than a guy like him…yet you’re not interested in a guy who would actually treat you better….
Your ability to cope with and process rejection is tied to your self-esteem because how rejected you feel and the effect it has on your perception of you, is intrinsically tied into your ability to love yourself.
Women who love emotionally unavailable men and ‘assclowns’ find it so easy to assume that there is something wrong with them when their relationships don’t work, because in choosing men that reflect the negative things that they believe about themselves, being ‘rejected’ by these clowns feels like some sort of confirmation that there is something wrong with them.
A bit like ‘If he can’t see what a great woman I am, there must be something really wrong with me!’
Rejection like breaking up, is never going to be easy to do, but it’s safe to say that when you have higher self-esteem and love yourself unconditionally, rejection has far less of an impact on you.
Whilst it seems all too easy to declare that you love these men unconditionally and without boundaries, it seems to be much harder to give yourself any love. What we don’t often realise is that love does have boundaries but that you cannot know how to truly love if you don’t even like, never mind love yourself.
Unconditional love is about you being able to like and love yourself, irrespective of what takes place around you. This means that even though you will navigate bumps along the relationship road, your love of yourself remains intact and your value doesn’t plummet with every relationship.
If you take ‘rejection’ hard it means that you allow the fact that your relationship has not worked out to reflect inwardly which in turn, makes you feel bad about yourself.
So a Mr Unavailable who is unable to connect with emotions healthily anyway, that you have a relationship with that doesn’t work out, becomes you thinking that it must be something about you why he couldn’t engage better because you think you gave him so much love and care that he should have been able to emotionally engage, so there must be something wrong with you.
Here is the problem:
In choosing men that reflect the things you truly believe about yourself, you find yourself with a Mr Unavailable or assclown who by their very nature are incapable of giving you the relationship that you profess to want. This not only sets them up for a test that they’re bound to fail, but it also sets you up for failure. Each time this happens, it sends a message to you, that what you secretly (or even openly) believe about yourself, love, and relationships is true.
However, it’s ‘true’ because the self-fulfilling prophecy gets created in trying to extract love, care, respect, empathy and the whole kit and kaboodle from men who are incapable of giving that to you in the first place.
And so, you’re kinda rejecting yourself….
What is even worse is that when these men cross boundaries and treat us ‘less than’ and we not only continue to accept it, but actively chase these men and repeatedly engage with them, as if trying to cancel out the rejection by trying to get them to accept us and in turn validate us, it ends up eroding even further into your self-esteem, robbing us of our self respect and at times, even our dignity.
The horrible thing is that the ‘rejection’ can always be minimised, it’s just that in continuing to engage in the hope they will change, that they will finally recognise your worth, it instead gets compounded.
Avoiding the reality of who these men are and your relationship habits and indulging in the illusion is dangerous.
You will struggle to deal with the rejection if you continue to internalise what has happened, turning it inward and letting it further erode what you believe about yourself, love, and relationships.
Think about this: If you allow every single interaction with the men who have been in and out of your life to shape and define you, and those men are assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s, you won’t be left with very much. In taking on their baggage with your own, they end up leaving you with some of theirs when they go.
The sun does not shine out of men. We cannot allow the sun to rise and set on them and validate ourselves off them because every, single, damn time a relationship does not work out and you feel ‘rejected’, you will feel a piece of you go with them.
Until you learn to like and love you, perspective is missing.
If you did like and love you, you’d recognise that of course it’s not great that a relationship has ended but that doesn’t encompass you and you are an individual entity of value irrespective of whether you have a man or not. Mind you, if you did like and love you, assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s would hold no attraction for you…
People with healthy love habits with decent levels of self-esteem are also able to recognise that when it comes to Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns, they, not them, are the ones doing the rejecting.
In building your self-esteem and getting in touch with who you are and what you want, you become aware of defining and enforcing boundaries, and opting out of situations that serve to detract from you, which in turn builds your judgement and your ability to trust, which in turn builds your confidence.
This means that when you do these things, there is no room for a Mr Unavailable or assclown and the ‘relationship’ is no longer favourable or of interest because they only operate on their terms, not yours.
In them rejecting your boundaries, not only are they doing you a favour, but they’re also letting you know that they are not capable of respect. However, also in rejecting your boundaries and moving on to a new target, it’s actually you who has rejected them, because you didn’t allow your self-esteem to be a fertile ground for them to pee all over with disrespect!
Not all relationships are bound for success. Each and every guy you meet cannot be ‘the one’ and sometimes relationships fail and there isn’t a concrete reason for it. However, relationships with assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s are not bound for success and at some point you have to ask what you’re trying to achieve by trying to get a poor relationship candidate to accept you?
Back for part two and part three later in the week where I add some thoughts to help build perspective so that you can move on from the ‘rejected’ feeling and start realising you’ve made a lucky escape and it’s time to start living.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
This is exactly what I needed riGht now. My EUM has just recentLy told me he neVer wants to be with me again and that he hates me..I mean I know deep down I don’t want him either but I was still so cut about it. That’s when I started asking myself what I did wrong and how I should be different. I really felt like I was wothless and even questioned myself of being a bad mother. I just didn’t get it, I couldn’t understand how he could blow me off so quickly after all we’ve shared even our new baby boy. But now I know it’s not my fault and I didn’t do anything wrong… But how do I keep reminding myself that it wasn’t me… How do I get over the fact that he no longer wants it?
I also keep telling myself that he’ll come back around and that he is only doing it to gain power over me and that he isn’t over it… But I guess that it’s better he is over it cos I’m tired of going around in circles with him…
Oh gosh I’m just so lost please help
@ bbylove,
If there was a mistake, it was selecting someone unsuitable for a long term relationship in the first place. Of course he resists changing into someone he is not, change is measured in pain, and he sees no reason to change at all, let alone into someone that you need.
The thing to do now is to let go, and get on with healing. After losing someone important in your life, you will grieve, that is only natural. In your grieving you will also want to understand why you tried to get together with someone hurtful, disrespectful, someone that wasn’t interested in a shared life and home and family. Many healthy people in the world did *not* try to share a life with him – why did you? Because the important thing is to prepare for the future.
You have to know there are good people in the world. People that don’t live like that bozo, people that don’t hang out where that bozo hangs out, people that base relationships on respect and trust and honesty and honor. And you need to make friends among these “good” people. You need to be active in their community. You need to believe in yourself and your self worth, and set barriers and boundaries to protect yourself from people like that bozo.
That will be a lot of work, once the hurt starts to pass. Right now you have to finish dealing with the hurt and with letting him go. And convince yourself that whatever he wants, if he showed up begging on your doorstep tomorrow, you dare not let anyone like him get close to you or your life.
Take care.
In them rejecting your boundaries, not only are they doing you a favour, but they’re also letting you know that they are not capable of respect. However, also in rejecting your boundaries and moving on to a new target, it’s actually you who has rejected them, because you didn’t allow your self-esteem to be a fertile ground for them to pee all over with disrespect!
Wow!! That is soooo true!! It didn’t hit me until I read this!!! I had (operative word) been dealing with an extremely EUM for two years…he apologized once again, so I thought we could be real friends…sent him a very thoughtful, funny and heartfelt birthday greeting via email…his response was, “you’ll always have a special place in my heart”, which I took as a major kiss-off!! anyway, back and forth and I told him that it’s too bad he’ll always see me as a “fallback girl” because I’m an amazing friend, to peeps who deserve my friendship and that I’m done playing his game and to not contact me again. of course, within 20 minutes he didn’t respect my boundaries and wrote back saying how sorry he was that he made me write those things and that he made me feel that way and that he certainly never meant for me to misinterpret his intentions, especially on HIS birthday…and if I could please call him, he literally begged and pleaded with me to call him so he could tell me how wrong I was!!
THAT’s when it hit me!! He can’t even pick up the phone to correct a miiscommunication? Because there was NO miscommuncation…I was dead-on and he couldn’t handle it…
That quote really hit me – this time…after all of the times I’ve contacted him, I REJECTED him and I will continue with NC forever!!! I have the upperhand and after reading all of these posts, I now know I was living a delusional life in my mind, thinking he could change…but I’m not the first chick he’s treated this way and no doubt I’m not the last…but he is the last EUM I will ever hook up with…NOW, I can spot them a mile away and even my friends are proud of how much I’ve grown…I know it’s cliche, but it’s true…if you don’t love yourself, how can anyone love you? I do love myself now and I am working towards the unconditional love…but I know I will get there…
I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s posts!! Thanks for all of the great advice!! I can now breathe out and relax knowing he is my PAST and NOT my PRESENT or my FUTURE!! Damn, it feels good to say that and to actually BELIEVE IT!!!
-Autumn
← Previous Comments