Our greatest pains often contain our greatest growth. Although it’s often difficult to see it at the time, those instances when people show us who they are, where they fail to live up to our expectations, are blessings in disguise. One day, when we’re in a very different place to where we might be right now, we’ll look back and be thankful. When things don’t go our way, it still hurts. But if we get into the habit of recognising an opportunity for gratitude, we won’t cling to people, things and situations that are not in our highest good. Here are some ‘unusual’ blessings in disguise to point you in the right direction:
Be thankful that they didn’t show up. They’re teaching you who they really are, and that’s not someone who deserves the time of day from you.
Be thankful they haven’t called you up since you started No Contact. You cut contact for a reason, and even if they did call, it’s unlikely to cancel out the pain you’ve experienced or meet your expectations.
Be thankful they let you down – you can adjust your expectations of them now.
Be thankful they haven’t left their spouse/partner. If your relationship is based on lies and they’ve kept you waiting around while they make up their mind about what they’re doing, they’re doing you a favour. You just don’t realise it yet.
Be thankful that you set boundaries. They’re giving you self-respect, and even though it may feel uncomfortable initially, especially when people who expect to get their way can’t and don’t, stick with it. These experiences are blessings in disguise. You will reap the rewards in the medium to long-term by being in situations and around people that reflect a healthier, happier, boundaried you.
Be thankful that you didn’t judge a book by its cover and that you decided to go on a second-plus date with someone who didn’t set off fireworks as soon as you met, like all your exes did. Used to keep falling for same person different package? These were blessings in disguise showing you where your ideas about what you need were off base.
Be thankful that they ignored your call or email. You’ll thank yourself later for not being sucked back into the cycle all over again.
Be thankful that you’re single. Don’t treat it like that pain in the bum time between relationships. Enjoy it. It’s a blessing in disguise that you get to discover and love you independently of a relationship. In future, you won’t settle for less than what you need.
Be thankful that they consistently show you who they are. It’s now your job to accept him/her. Stop hoping that they’ll become the person you thought they were or that they’ll live up to potential. When people show you who they are right now, these are blessings in disguise not inconveniences!
Be thankful for the experiences, good, bad, or indifferent. Relationships are blessings in disguise that serve to teach us about ourselves. There’s a lot of lessons in there and you’ll find they won’t repeat themselves if you pay attention!
Be thankful that you said NO. Even though it took you out of your comfort zone to not be so agreeable, recognise that saying YES would have had you busting your own boundaries, going against your own values or doing something that you don’t want to do.
Be thankful that you’ve learned to say NO and set limits. It opens you up to saying more genuine, positive yeses. You are not a Yes Person. You’re Not a Doormat. It’s OK to say NO. All those instances where people have acted up when you said no are blessings in disguise giving you further proof of your need for healthy boundaries. Just think, they could be taking advantage of you still!
Be thankful for the bad times. These painful blessings in disguise teach you to appreciate and recognise the good times.
Be thankful that they’ve moved on. Yeah it hurts but it’s the kick up the bum that says it’s time to shift up a gear and move on with your own life.
Be thankful you didn’t wait around. You’d still be waiting.
Be thankful for time. Even though we don’t know how much time we have left, the point is that we have it. Use it wisely. Value it.
Be thankful that they beat it after you said you wouldn’t sleep with them when you barely knew them or quite simply didn’t want to. Better they reveal their true motives now instead of Future Faking to get what they want and then beating it anyway. Those instances where dates blow out early on are blessings in disguise. Don’t hanker for something you never had.
Be thankful for all the people who are happy, loving, and trying in healthier relationships. If they can do it, you can too.
Be thankful that even though you get a little panicky at times, they’re still there loving and believing in you and you’re trusting in your new relationship.
Be thankful they didn’t want you when they realised they couldn’t take advantage of you or abuse you. It’s not because you’re not good enough for them to change; they’re who they are. When users and abusers move on, these are always blessings in disguise. They had the job of showing you that you must choose self-love always. Gratitude!
Be thankful that you found out that they were not who they claimed to be or acted like they were. Whenever you found out and dealt with the consequences, at least you found out.
Be thankful that they embarrassed or humiliated you for the last time. It is the last time, isn’t it? These feelings are like GPS notifications letting you know that you’re way off course. They’re blessings in disguise.
Be thankful that they didn’t value you because you get to learn and appreciate your own value.
Be thankful that they said they wanted to break up with you. Seriously. A lot of people don’t have the balls and decency to be honest and will stay with you while half-heartedly interested, enjoying the fringe benefits while looking out for the next person. It hurts, but you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t value you and the relationship enough to want to put themselves in and work at it. Don’t sell yourself short by preferring to be in a relationship that’s struggling than none at all. Believe there is better for you.
Be thankful for the small, medium and large things in life.
Be thankful that you have options even if you don’t always realise it.
Be thankful that sometimes people will tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it.
Be thankful that there are people around you, whether they’re family, friends, colleagues, or a ‘special somebody’, that give a damn about you. Look up from your pain and remember them.
Be thankful for your health. If you’ve let it slide in the name of love, take care of it.
Be thankful for assclowns. They’re blessings in disguise. They’re not teaching you that you’re unlovable; they’re teaching you that you need to love yourself.
Be thankful for the internet. You’ve got to discover Baggage Reclaim, that you’re not alone, that it’s not a ‘unique’ situation and that you haven’t ‘done’ something to cause someone to be whoever they are.
Sometimes it’s good to remind ourselves of what we have to be thankful for, because it’s all too easy to focus on what we don’t have or what we think we won’t have if we let go of something or someone that causes us pain.
What do you have to be thankful?
It’s important to consider this because if you feel as if you have nothing to be thankful, you have a starting point for recognising where you’re limiting your own happiness.
Whatever you are thankful for doesn’t invalidate any experiences that you’ve had or any unhappiness or frustration that you feel, but think of it as looking at things from a different perspective. If someone is the only source of your happiness, joy and gratitude, the trouble is that it’s too dependent on them. Being thankful for other things in your life gives it balance.
And if you’re struggling to find things to be thankful for, that’s OK, but make sure that you focus your efforts on doing and being various things that let you feel good about you and your life, one day, one step at a time.
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This just made me cry. Thankyou Natalie. I am thankful for all that I have and all that I haven’t lost in the name of an assclown user. And I am Thankful to you for your inspiring, caring posts that help everyone on here out of very dark times.
“Be thankful for the internet. You’ve got to discover Baggage Reclaim, that you’re not alone, that it’s not a ‘unique’, unheard of situation, and that you haven’t ‘done’ something to cause someone to be whoever they are”.
Hallelujah and Amen to that, Natalie!! You are bang on point.
I’m thankful that he showed me who he really is, when he told me that we shall not be together this Christmas either! That makes all his future faking just ridiculus.
I’m thankful that I got my self esteem back when I put back my boundaries. For instance when I told him I didn’t want to sleep with him since he didn’t know if I was his “special one”. Again future faking b*llshit.
I’m thankful that I got friends and family that supported me when I dumped that AC, and helped me to keep NC.
I’m thankful for my life now. I have nice teenager sons, loving parents, supporting friends, an interesting job and good health. I’m so blessed!
*Be thankful for the internet. You’ve got to discover Baggage Reclaim, that you’re not alone, that it’s not a ‘unique’, unheard of situation, and that you haven’t ‘done’ something to cause someone to be whoever they are.*
Amen.
Thank you Natalie, and to all my wise, beautiful BR sisters all over the world, Happy Thanksgiving.
Love,
Over It
Wow!! Absolutely Brilliant!!
This is beautifully written, affirmative, inspiring and empowering! I will read this many times to myself. Thank you, Natalie, for helping us to see that there is much to celebrate amidst what appears to be pain, for encouraging us to let go off anger, to transform misery into something positive, that it is a beginning and not an end, a rebirth of ourselves, our new selves.
Natalie. You have gotten me through the toughest breakup…but your insight and your experience…and your amazing sound advice…made me feel that I was not a raging c word…it hurt its over he has moved on and now I have…I will not waste my time and life on an emotionally retarded little boy….I make myself go out…do things build my confidence back up…cause I am any good persons catch…I had to go through this to remember again how great I am now I will never forget…fool me twice shame on me but now I realize my choice of men is the same..bad boys..changing by concentrating all on me thank you Natalie I tell everyone about your blog
…”I am any good persons catch”…
Amen! I like that …would make a good mantra =) “Good person” being the operative word because AC’s have no clue what they toss aside…but it took me a long while to see that I was tossing myself aside as well. Live and learn (((hugs)))
I’m thankful that I have a beautiful daughter and son, that I have a family that love me as deeply as I love them. That my friends really care about me, that I have my health and I feel safe and secure within myself to move forward with life.
I’m thankful I found this site, to be able to see and read Nats words of wisdom, they are real pearls.
Thank you so much Nat for helping me see that I’m not alone and I have much to share!
I am thankful I have a second chance to be happy. I have learned so much. I am thankful to have found this site and found gals like all of you, all working hard to live a better life and supporting each other in our awakenings. Happy Thanksgiving to you.
Wow Nat this and the last 3 you’ve written you are on a roll. Couldn’t of gone the last year without you, You gave me hope when I didn’t think there was any, A kick in the butt with the truth when I lied to myself and a new outlook on life when all I wanted was to live in the past.
I’m here in America celebrating Thanksgiving with my family and I do have so much to be thankful for because of you.
“Be thankful that they didn’t show up. They’re teaching you who they really are and that’s not someone who deserves the time of day from you.”
Although I have found it upsetting that my ex EUM, since I stopped seeing him (nearly four months ago – is it 4 yet? Nearly is!!), has never “shown up” – has never asked to see me to talk to me properl or in any way attempted to ‘fix it’ – quite the reverse. Yet for all the time I spent with him in the same place / same room / same bed, I have never learned so much about him as I have these past months of (virtually) no contact – his not ‘showing up’ has really taught me who he really is.
You are spot on Nat with this… he really should be ashamed of himself; all his empty promises, all his taking and taking… so long as he didn;t have to step in with two feet! And the minute I put my serious foot down – he doesn’t “show up” at all.
All I can say for those who are thinking about going NC – do it! You will find out things you don’t see or don’t want to believe while you are still in it – he will “teach you who he really is”. And you will realise that who he really is, is not someone deserving of your time, your worries or your tears.
I am thankful for so many things. Thankful I found this site, thankful I have an electric blanket on the bed !!- it’s freezing in Scotland tonight!! Keep warm! Happy Thanksgiving to those on the other side of the big pond.
So true! Glad you’re feeling better Fearless.
My ex EUM showed me who he was by making contact the other day. What did the moron do to show me he ‘cared’? Text me a dirty joke. I kid you not! Three months NC, after he dumped me by email, and that’s the best he could do?! I am grateful though – i know he’s still a useless titbrain and that he hasn’t changed a bit.
“And you will realise that who he really is, is not someone deserving of your time, your worries or your tears.” – spot on!
Stay cosy love 🙂
what a twat he is!!!!
Thanks Minky! You too!
You text is a cracker – just shows how far removed they are from ‘us, from our feelings etc.. You comment remined of one time (not in bandcamp…!) when I was ‘staying away for my EUM and had not heard from him for ages. I missed him terribly, I was miserable and I caved and texted him : ‘do you not miss me at all?’
He texted back ‘I was thinking of you this morning’
I texted back ‘what were you thinking?’ hoping I’d get something back to warm my weeping heart.
What I got I would not like to repeat here, suffice to say it said something like: ‘I was thinking of ****ing your *****’
My chin hit the floor. Of all the things he has done or not done, strangely, that was one of the most hurtful. I literallycould not believe that he thought this would be an appropriate thing to tell me at that point in time! I threw my phone across the room in disgusted fury (I never, ever throw things – not normal for me). Then I cried for how far removed he was from my own feelings. He showed me who he was that day. And I knew it. Then I chose to ignore it. Bigger fool me.
I’m really sorry for that fearless…it hurt me just reading his response. I’ve had hurtful responses from my AC and they really do have sh*t for brains. Seems like they have no heart.
Fearless
Exactly the same has happened to me. It’s very easy to underestimate how much of their motivation is merely sexual. I want to turn up at every woman’s door who posts here and tell her in person. Though that would be lunacy!
And those ACs/EUMs who have the “decency” not to sex us up just want an ego stroke, even if said stroke is nothing more than a text.
Friendship is NOT on the table.
@Grace agree with you 100%! What is wrong with ACs, cant they communicate properly without all these “sexy messages” stuff?!!
@Natalie, thank you to you and your great Blog, you are such an inspiration to all of us!!!
Thanks Grace and others for your comments. I think he took my text “what were yout thinking?” as a cue for a sexual comment – but he was very wrong at that point in time and it revealed to me just how bereft he was of any understanding of how I would be feeling at that point. I wanted some “love”, some emotional support – not sex. He didn’t do “emotional support” very well!! Ususally when he was trying to be “emotionally supportive” it came in the form of ‘pleasuring me’! No matter what my problem was, stress at work for example – sex was always the answer!Intimacy equals sex with these men. Though, to be fair, he was the only person I know who would actually listen to me going on about issues at work for hours on end and give me advice about it – then we’d have the sex – cos “it would de-stress me”! Also, strangely, when we were lying side by side falling off to sleep he would hold tightly onto my hand – and this for me felt moreintimate, more close, and more of a show of love than the sex had been.
I agree though, I think it is easy to underestimate how much of their motivation is sexual. I do think though that there were other dimensions to the relationship – we spent plenty of time together and talking together doing other things (we have a shared interest, which we spent time on and had loads of fun with – I miss that too and I know he will as well).
But… yes, mostly the sex was the thing that would keep him showing up – if there was any sex to be had, he’d be here! If not, he wasn’t making much effort.
Sad. Thankful to be finally dealing with it though. Thankful for the good times – we did have them. Thankful that he is finally getting a different message from me!! I would love to know what he is making of this new message (but that’s just curiosity – I know he’ll be missing the sex – he doesn’t have a “supply” – and he will be missing the other things too – he has more to miss in fact than I do – I took more interest in his life – hs problems – than he did in mine. Practically speaking, nothing much has changed for me. Life is essentially just the same… I was dealing with everything on my own – work, bills, mortgage – this week it was blocked drains! – and still am dealing with it all on my own! Thankfully I am one of a large family and thankful to have a helpful brother and sister and mum.
Thankful I finally see how little he actually contributed to my life.
@Fearless. How utterly horrible for you to find out that, while your heart and soul were engaged with him, only his **** was. It really brings women down to earth with a bump to read that kind of thing. I’m so sorry that you went through such a shock.
Last thanksgiving, he was with me and met my parents for the first time. We sent Christmas cards out the next day together… Printed with our names like a real couple. I did not celebrate today…actually blew off 2 friends invites because I simply did not want to go. I am thankful that I know who he is even though he is in a relationship with someone he met shortly after I told him it was over. That was December 18th. Almost a year and I am at peace but still gun shy. Thank you Natalie, not sure where I would be without your sense. Ramona
Thank you Natalie! This is so pertinent, I came home tonight crying because he has not called in four days, I was hurting and feeling so very low. I am thankful he didn’t call, because maybe now I can grieve and move on. I realize even more just how thoughtless he is. I am thankful he did all the horrible things he did so my eyes and heart could be opened. Yes, a silver lining in every cloud. I am thankful he revealed his true self to me especially when I began to assert some boundaries and conditions. I am thankful that I will no longer let hin define me and make choices for me. I used to pray he would love me somehow. I am now thankful he didn’t! I am thankful for you Natalie and all the other women here!!!
Yes, I totally understand!!
I’m thankful that I finally purged my feelings for the A/C, even if it took me nine freaking months to do so! Those nine months were hell! I’m finally happy! Everything Natalie says is true, but it just takes awhile to INTERNALIZE those things and realize that the A/C is an A/C and it’s not your fault.
When I first started reading Natalie’s blog, the phrase that really struck a chord with me was the phrase, “Manage you down.” And then I realize how many times I have been “managed down.” For once, *I* want to be the one who “manages someone down.” Ok, ok, that’s not the right attitude either……
I’m thankful that I’m reminded of where myself and others have been. But I’m even more thankful of where myself and others are going. Just for today I’m ok right where I am, it’s part of the process, when I’m sad, happy, fearful, hurting, crying, laughing or whatever it might be, it just means that I’m healing. It’ll all be ok, today, tomorrow, and everyday!
The “10 Core Breakup Boundaries That Every Person Should Live By” & the “12 Core Boundaries To Live By in Life, Dating, & Relationships” will get us there along with the desire to ready, aim, and fire!
I am so thankful for this website. Your posts seem to always come just when I need them most.
I am thankful that he exploded with rage at me after 2 years of saccharine sweetness, because it shocked me to my core, woke me up from my deluded sleepwalking, showed me what he is like underneath the meringue coating, ripped the blinkers painfully from my eyes, led me to discover the personality disorders that he keeeps so well hidden, woke me from my absurd dream of a future together, forced me to look at myself and what I get from this relationship…. all this from a one-minute rage on his part. Thank the Goddess Aphrodite for making that happen, on her island, for maybe she saw my hideous self-delusion and thought it was time I was forced to face reality.
wastedlove, did I miss a post of yours telling about his blowing up at you? Last I heard of you he was coming round for a shag! (I know I’m not supposed to gossip!… and go off topic; please forgive… but am v curious how you came to get him to drop his mask and see the light? Do tell – and good for you!!).
@Fearless. He hides behind a False Self that is charming and polite, but can’t maintain the act for more than a few hours, so limits all his social interactions to that. I fell in love and pushed not only for more time, but for emotional intimacy. He tried his best to maintain the False Self for longer periods, but during a holiday (in October) the strain became too much, the mask slipped and revealed a selfish, cold, stingy, arrogant narcissist who must get the upper hand. He exploded with rage more than once about things no sane man would, blamed me for ‘provoking’ him, refused to apologise, then sulked. I was shocked to my core — I thought I knew him! But I am thankful because if he hadn’t, I’d have remained in love with the False Self forever.
Yes, wasted love – I had a boyfriend once when I was very young who puched me in the face and then said “look what you’ve made me do now”!! I never saw him again. It was his first and last.
I think these narcs are one step beyond! My ex EUM was bad enough with his EU behaviour – Obviously EUMs are selfish and self-interested and all the rest… and there’s plenty to complain about; but he never ever blew up or insulted or abused me verbally in any way, even in an argument – actually quite the reverse. I used to love going away with him for weekends etc. we always had a lovely time and I would ome back even more in love than I’d been before… then would come the disappearing act…or the managing down, and I’d realise it was all just transitory – it wasn’t a real relationship; it was all on his terms. It’s no use to man nor beast. You really need to get away from this horrible man. Seriously. He sounds dangerous.
I knew he wouldn’t contact me today, because he emailed me on my birthday a month ago, and I never replied. I had decided to go NC (only 2 months along after 3 yr relationship) and figured he would get the point after that. It still hurts to not hear from him. I probably only wanted to hear from him for validation, only to tell him to not contact me. I know that’s not very healthy to want that. I had a great Thanksgiving with my friends and I do appreciate the positive things in my life. I just feel sad today. This post truly helped me get through the day. I am trying to remember this is a beginning and not an end. And even if he did say something it doesn’t mean he could give me what I want. It is so hard to believe that I will ever be loved or love again, that there could be someone better out there for me. I am 31 and always thought that I would be married and on my way to having my own children by now. But I realize that my fears are distorted from my sensitive emotional state, and I just need to try to be positive and believe that love will happen again, in a healthier and more fulfilling way.
I am thankful that my AC is HISTORY! Natalie, I started reading this blog a little more than a year ago when I was going through the most terrible breakup of my life. I’ve read, reread, and read again, and everything started to click… I am now happier than I’ve ever been, and NOT because I’m in a new (healthy) relationship, but you have taught me to value my own woth and not let an emotionally unavailable narcissist rule my emotions and actions. I am strong, smart, sexy, healthy, and fab just the way I am, and I’m thankful because THAT is the best revenge I’ve ever gotten when it comes to my AC and the sham of a relationship we were in. Happy thanksgiving y’all, and stay strong my fellow BR girls!!! 🙂
Hi, it’s fantastic not to have him pull your strings and dictate the whole relationship. the controlling is really horrible..thank God, i broke free too. happy days are ahead;-)))
@iscah
My mother always told me “the best revenge is to do well”. It definately is, and so much more empowering than wishing ill on others.
i love this. its so good to be thankful, . : and they are who are they are. we’re not taking their bs anymore girls!!!!
I have read through all the last articles on boundaries. You take the word women out they are excellent set of boundaries for any individual to apply to themselves be it a man or woman.
Boundaries are healthy to have.
But………….
There is a deeper question to ask…………………..How did you let yourself get into such a place in being in an unhealthy relationship in the first place and if you keep having and experiencing unhealthy relationships Why?
You can do great work on yourself, build and erect those boundaries do lots of self-awareness. Work on building healthy self-worth. But if you have not gone and routed out that self- saboteur within you. All that work will be undone.
Loser boy, loser girl will undo you. Your beliefs!
The beliefs you hold about yourself and the world you live in.
Yes it is positive to erect healthy boundaries…………..But how effective will they be if you hold negative beliefs about yourself, the world you live in. And as this is a site mainly for women. Negative beliefs about men.
And I can assure you……………..Many men hold negative beliefs about women.
Yes it is positive to have healthy boundaries. But it is even more powerful when those boundaries are congruent and balanced with a positive belief system.
Look at your beliefs and that they serve you and not work against you.
A F
“There is a deeper question to ask…………………..How did you let yourself get into such a place in being in an unhealthy relationship in the first place and if you keep having and experiencing unhealthy relationships Why?”
Because we have low self esteem from whatever issue is going on with us. Natalie talks of “validation” and “Make me the exception.” I look back on my bad relationships and “validation” and “make me the exception” were what I was seeking! Because I didn’t get it growing up!
Ange Fonce,
There is a lot of information on this blog about self awareness and uncovering those negative beliefs about yourself. Many of us have encountered men and women who didn’t have much integrity and as a result are recovering from a negative experience. Nat teaches us that negative beliefs about ourselves is at the root of ending up with people who don’t treat us well. For me, reading this blog has taught me how to look at myself more and that having boundaries and living by them will empower me and give me control and responsibility of my own happiness. When you learn to have healthy boundaries, that is self esteem building and slowly teaches you to not sabotage your own efforts. Enforcing them helps undo the negative beliefs about yourself, it is like saying , “I won’t tolerate that because I deserve better.” Sure, this takes time, but teaches you self respect. When you have respect for yourself you don’t allow people to put and keep you in situations where you are being disrespected. As a result, you have healthier relationships and less negative beliefs about yourself and others. Check out Natalies’s “get out of stuck” info. It is all about digging out your negative beliefs and learning how to change them. Enforcing boundaries is just part of the equation, but it does enforce positive beliefs about yourself. There are more women reading and responding on this blog, but I think it would benefit any man who who is learning to have healthier relationships. My 24 year old son has read this blog and has recommended it to a friend of his. It has opened his eyes to some things.
Sorry, I don’t want to be rude – I looked at your website the other day and thought – eew, gross, reminded me of the movie with Michael Douglas in “Solitary Man” Your above post doesn’t match your website – just wanted to point it out, not to be rude.
Maybe I don’t understand what you are trying to say?
Happy Thanksgiving.
I’m thankful that I see that I am responsible for everything in my life and that things outside myself can happen, but I am making the ultimate choice whether to be part of it or not. If I continue to stay with someone who isn’t treating me right, what does that have to say about who I am or what I want? I’m thankful for learning to love myself because without it, you will be with people who reflect that.
I have been reading your articles for many months now and have found them to be just up my street! I am writing my own blog for my female clients all about relationships and dating at http://www.harrietbond.com and I like to read your articles when I’m doing my research: they are so insightful and encouraging. Both professionally and personally, I am finding them very useful. My hope is that with more of these ‘no-nonsense approach’ articles for women to read on the internet, we will gradually be able to counteract this persistent culture of men being allowed to get away with everything, and women just blaming themselves when they are cheated on or dumped unceremoniously. Keep up the good work; I’ll certainly keep reading, and have recommended it to many of my clients and friends!
My ex FWB sent me a text message a week and a half ago, telling me
“you are a gem of a friend:)”
I ignored it thinking if I was such a gem of a friend than he would have wanted to sit down with me several months back and straightened out our friendship.
I am thankful that he is so emotionally lazy because it allows me to stick to my guns enough to work on my self esteem and move on.
I was just thinking how so many years have gone by and I didn’t understand the concept of a relationship.
My friend called me the other day and asked if I was pursuing the guy from my work that I talk to frequently. I said no he is not interested. She said don’t speculate that he isn’t. I told her that I once mentioned to him, that myself, another female coworker and him should go out for a bite and gab outside of the office, since were always hanging out after work at work gabbing. All he said is that is a great idea and it is safe to say we all like talking. Anyways my friend says you should pursue that with him. I said no I put it out there, he hasn’t taken the opportunity to initiate anything so I lost interest. My friend goes you don’t know if he isn’t interested. I said I don’t want to be involved in situations anymore analyzing whether someone is or isn’t interest. I learned from “Baggage Reclaim” and it makes a lot of sense to me that when someone is interested in you, you will know. I already opened the door if he is shy or whatever he has the perfect opportunity by saying oh lets go for that bite to eat. Also with the other coworker there he would have the perfect situation to get to know me without there being the one to one pressure. She continued to argue and I said nope my job is to move on when I don’t see the effort from the other party, besides he didn’t act interested and I have lost interest.
I am thankful I learned this lesson from Baggage Reclaim because for years along with all my friends I have been playing the analyzing game of “does he like or does he not”. GAME OVER
The guy I want to be with is going to call me and tell me I want to see you this week because I miss you.
The guy I want will tell me how he feels about me because he is going to be emotionally available.
The guy I want is never going to play cold because why would he want to run, avoid, lose out, miss out on a chance to spend time with me by playing that.
I have listen to friends pine over guys lately and it reminds me of the old me.
I am thankful that quality is part of the old me. However, I haven’t invested in anyone yet so I am not positive that it is the old me for sure but I sure hope so.
I listen to friends go on and on about guys who are not worth their time and they say he doesn’t respond back to them but he is like that with everyone.
I say to myself I am so glad that I don’t accept that kind of treatment from a man. I never allowed the last guy to pull crap like that on me. He always called me and if I called he couldn’t respond fast enough.
I guess I am thankful to have had that experienced and I definately want that in a guy again.
As hard as this has been to move on because I felt that my friend was my rock in some ways, I have to be thankful that I get this chance to start over, and meet that guy that is going to be my true rock.
I AM THANKFUL I GET TO START OVER
I AM THANKFUL I GET TO START OVER
I AM THANKFUL I GET TO START OVER
You’re living a new lifestyle and you will have t drop some of the friends still living the old lifestyle. Your friend sounded like she was in an adelescent fog and wanted to keep you in that same fog with her. She’s in a different world and can’t support your new commitment to being completely honest with yourself. Some of your friends who want to make believe will have to go. I dropped two friendships this year with women who had pretty extreme and wrongheaded ideas about men and relationships. One was a career Other Woman and the other was a serial doormat. Neither wanted to make this transition to improving the way they view relationships so we have a LOT less common ground.
Ah, I get weak during the holidays. I’d been no contact for almost a month (6 months after the end of a 2.5 year relationship), ignoring his “let’s finally try talking” emails. But I stupidly sent him a generic Happy Thanksgiving email. He responded suggesting we have a real conversation after the holiday weekend. I’m pretty annoyed with myself right now, though I finally responded saying that I’d be happy to talk to him if he was finally willing to take responsibility for how badly he treated me over the past year and actually offer me some sort of apology. I know this will probably never happen as it’s unlikely that he’s changed. But the truth is, I’m over it enough that I don’t really care one or the other (though i cared enough to send the initial email, I suppose, and to post about it here). And maybe he has changed. He’s not a terrible guy, he’s just really immature and unable to handle the tough time he’s going through right now like an adult (despite being 34 years old). Maybe this is just me burning my hand one last time. I can live with that, I think, as long as I make sure it really is the last time.
Nat!
I am so thankful for the journey of self-empowerment I began the night my ex broke it off with me because I wasn’t jumping high enough for him. All of the online support, support from my friends and family, going NC, ignoring his lame online attempts to communicate with me, therapy (and sticking to it after the intial crisis was over), and choosing not to date for at least a year until I am ready to date emotionally avaiable men, all add up to me being in a far more peaceful, safer place than I was this time last year, celebrating it with the ex and yet somehow knowing someting was not right. I hope all the ladies (and gents) who come here looking for insight are also taking a moment to appreciate how far they have come, even if they still have a ways to go. We all start semewhere!
Thanks for all the great advice,
Jasmine
An epiphaneous moment to be thankful for:
November 26, 2010-NC
Now Angela, look at the facts, he said, “Just friends, don’t fall in love”, he has been firm in this for 14 years. You have been doing most of the work, each time you contact him he thinks it’s an open invitation for sex because that’s the only thing he ever wanted or the only thing he was ever willing to give. Each and every time his words and actions proved that. He would only give you other things because you asked or insisted on them to keep his supply of sex going. You never really got what you wanted even if he seemed to give it; he only let you think you did.
1. My kids and others told me things like: he’s no good, you can’t keep chasing him, he may not be the one for you, he gets off on tormenting you, you wouldn’t be happy with him even if you had him. You didn’t listen, you weren’t real, you kept denying it and trying to prove to yourself, to others and to him, that you were right and they were wrong.
2. Why? Because you couldn’t face up to the fact that you and others had been right all along and just maybe they had been wrong too. Because as Natalie said, “you are replicating the abuse”. The attitudes that shaped you from childhood are the beliefs that you now have: I don’t want you, you don’t matter, it doesn’t matter, you’re worthless, you’ll never amount to anything, which gave you the belief that you don’t deserve happiness or that you don’t deserve to be treated with love, care trust and respect.
Well Angela who the HELL cares! The epiphany came when I told myself: Quit worrying about everyone else and worry about you. You’re the only one that matters here, you are not those things that everyone dictated or that you let dictate to you, and then be defined by it. Just like when my mother did not want me and was going to give me away. She decided to keep me because she was afraid of what other people would think of her. I am a good person, I deserve it all and I won’t let their thoughts, opinions, and attitudes define ME. I define me, I decide, and if that’s a problem then leave me the eff alone! You are not deserving of me! I no longer want to be proven right or wrong, I don’t care, I just want to be happy and that means putting myself first, forgiving me, and treating myself with love care, trust and respect, the rest will follow. What matters is: I want me, I do matter, it does matter, I’m not worthless, I have accomplished and survived much, and I don’t believe them or it anymore! Thanks to Natalie and everyone else for making that possible! I am and will reject anything and everything that is not good for me! I will not eat at the table of proverbial shit! I will not let their thoughts, actions, or deeds define ME! I define ME! Amen! As Jessica Simpsons song says, “I belong to me”. That is all that does matter and needs to matter; the rest of it is just history, nothing more period end of it all. If I have to read this every day, cry every day, throw a fit of anger quietly every day, then by damn that’s what I’ll do!
Angela, hang in there. You are giving yourself the best gift of all, your self-worth. You are worth so much more than this AC is giving you. ((((hugs)))) it DOES get better over time, I promise.
Thank you so much for this blog. I’ve started to read it over and over. I have been crying over an UAM for 5 months now. We were together for almost 5 years and we have been broken up for 5 months. The last year of our relationship – he couldn’t commit to me – at least commit to getting married to me. He would say he was scared or he wasn’t ready, but he’d be ready. I had threatened to leave many times and we had separated many times, but we always came back together. A horrible cycle happening over and over again.
In June – I found out he started chatting with a girl and I was afraid he was cheating on me. He never did admit he was cheating though I knew he was. Then in July he broke up with me and I was devestated. Then in September he started contacting me… wanting to talk. I stupidly decided to meet him – he wanted to be friends. He said he didn’t know what he wanted – he just missed him best friend. He was giving me crumbs for months… until last week I found out that he never stopped dating that girl from month earlier. He would run to me when things got sticky with her. I was his comfort and she was/is something new and exciting. He knew he couldn’t give me what I wanted – but he couldn’t commit to being without me either.
I have cut off all contact with him and even went as far as blocking his phone number so that no phone calls or text messages go through to my phone. I hope that things get easier with time and I hope I do get involved with another unavailable man again.
Thank you Natalie
Thank you for helping to realise that I was dating an EUM and assclown.
Thank you for helping me to go no contact
Thank you for helping me stay in no contact even when he droped his sad little porr me emails
Thank you for helping me realise I AM worth more!
Thank you for helping me set boundaries and restore my self esteem
Thank you for because I have sent many other players and assclowns packing
Thank you because I have just started dating someone who has so far treated me with love, care and respect
Thank you for sharing and helping so many people
Much love xxx
This Thanksgiving I’m most thankful to be getting these emails from you Natalie–they have been extremely helpful and encouraging and I always feel better and stronger after reading them. Thank you so very much!
Thank you Natalie for this wonderful post. I am very thankful to have two awesome kids. My daughter got very ill over the summer and spent 3 months in the hospital and I have NEVER been so scared in my life. I have lost both of my parents and that really hurts, but my child getting so ill, nothing can top that, we are celebrating her 20th birthday tomorrow and I am so grateful for that, there was a time during her hospital stay that I wasn’t sure my baby girl will come home. We still have a way to go to get her back to health and we will get there.
That is my “baby” and no assclown, no man period can give you that much of pain.
I so agree, be thankful if “he” doesn’t get in touch or show up and if you are in No Contact – stay that way and never go back. Be thankful for true friends , your family and your good health and good things will come to you once you “cleaned” yourself from toxic people, male or female.
I’m very thankful for this blog, my family and friends. Having gotten out of a 2+ year relationship with an EUM, this Thanksgiving was tough. I remember last year when he joined my family and this year in comparison felt sad and lonely.
I’m doing NC and haven’t heard from him – originally when we broke up he wanted to stay friends but when I explained to him that I wouldn’t be able to move on if we stayed in contact, he has respected that as has not reached out. While it hurts to not hear from him, it shows me the truth….that he is okay to become a stranger to me. As painful as it is, I’m thankful to learn this as it dissolves any remaining illusions. Thanks Natalie for helping me see it this way.
I am thankful just to be able to say I once was lost but thank God 8 months later that I can finally see!!! It wasn’t easy but coming to Natalie’s blog and reading these posts have surely helped to make the transition alot smoother. Keep doing what you do Natalie because so many more that are lost need to be found…. xoxo
I am thankful for my guardian angel, Natalie. Almost 1/2 my age but so much wiser in matters of the heart. Lifted me up when I needed it the most and taught me how to be a better person and how to recognize the good an bad in people. Your posting is just what I needed today. Natalie, you are tough and to the point and just what many of us need when we need to learn the ins and outs of dating and dealing with this new experience, falling in love with a man who is incapable of returning emotion. So thankful that I found your site when I needed it the most. Bless you and your happy family.
“Natalie. Almost 1/2 my age but so much wiser in matters of the heart.”
I agree 100%.
I am grateful for this site (Natalie), this community of strong, insightful people, my health, my family and friends, my sense humour and wonder, my freedom.
And the AC should be thanked for giving me a real back-burning of the spirit; a chance for seedlings to grow in the place of some very restrictive, even plain terrifying beliefs about myself, what is good for me, and what is worthy of fear.
Thank you. x x x x
I’m thankful I survived being involved with an EUM/Assclown. I may be a little wounded, but I can still fly and I have a 2nd chance to experience happiness & enjoy life on my own terms.
“Be thankful that there are people around you, whether they’re family, friends, or colleagues, or a ‘special somebody’, that give a damn about you. Look up from your pain and remember them. ”
The best thing he ever did was leave me, so that I could lift my head up and see all the people that truly cared about me….because he really didn’t.
I am so very thankful for YOU, Natalie. I Prayed that God would help me out of this misery and he led me to baggage reclaim. You are an angel!
Had a weak moment and got in touch with my old EUM a couple days ago on Thanksgiving. Was intending to just wish him a happy holiday, but alas, I didn’t even keep it at that. I had heard he was seeing someone new (in addition to his girlfriend), and ended up sniffing for information without directly asking him. Of course, he wouldn’t tell me, and on top of that, treated me like something nasty on his shoe he wanted to scrape off. Now I have to go back to square one of no contact in recovering from a fresh rejection, and that he’s marked me down as needy and desperate. I wish I had kept my dignity and not told someone I missed him who clearly doesn’t care about my heart. Yup, when you fall off the wagon, you still land with a thud. I guess I should be thankful he acted like a jerk so it makes it easier to move on.
Hi Learning,
First off I would like to start off by saying I am sorry that you had to endure an upsetting situation like that and that he once again hurt your feelings. It always sucks getting our feelings stepped on. You don’t deserve his awful treatment and really it says more about him than you. Their treatment isn’t personal it’s just them, and you can take yourself out of the equation because they would be like this with someone else in the same situation.
You could look at this way if you find it helpful that is!
It’s not fresh rejection it’s the same old crap most of these guys pull.
People have to remember that with any process in life there is always a few steps forward and few back. Most people take one kind of step backwards or another it is part of the learning process.
Natalie has also mentioned the “suck it and see process” where you go back and see if anything is different or it is what you thought all along. You can chalked it up to this and realize there is no point in beating yourself up for it.”
You have to focus on what a jerk he is and he is AC because he has a girl behind his girlfriend’s back. That is more than emotionally unavailable. You have to focus strongly on his actions towards other’s not just yourself and he is demonstrating that he is not worth any woman’s time. It’s sad for those that don’t know better but better them than you.
It sounds like you let your curiosity get the best of you and hey oh well we are curious beings in this world. When you are ready your curiosity will die down because more time or lessons will have past that will teach you what’s happening in his world doesn’t phase you anymore.
Your in a certain phase and this lesson will put you in another phase of the process.
People have to remember whether they are on this site or wherever in life that we can’t learn everything in one lesson it takes more than one in many cases. If you didn’t learn a certain lesson yet doesn’t mean your destine for crap in life it just means life will throw you another chance at learning the lesson.
That is why it is important to pay as much attention to each lesson to avoid repeating more than necessary. At times we can’t expect to learn it all in one full swoop, but as long as we try.
The lesson you learned here was you checked things out, yep he is still who you thought he was and now you know even better and look he is still screwing women around and you don’t need a man like that in your life.
The one thing I am not really clear on is the rejection process. Some people here have said they need to embrace the feeling of rejection and others give perspectives to the rejection right away. What I am unclear about is are both necessary. Do we feel the rejection first and then find a perspective on the topic to get us to move on so we don’t stay stuck and hit depression? Or do we find perspective right away and not allow the rejection to penetrate in at all.
Your guy doesn’t sound like a nice guy so how can it be rejection at all. He is a mean soul who uses women and he is rude to you, so I say the perspective would be more important in this case.
The perspective here is there is no rejection because you don’t want a two timing creep who is a waste of your time, end of story.
Yes you are entitled to be hurt by his actions they are crappy actions,. Yes whether it is personal or not, your only human and you going to take it personal. Yes you had feelings for him so you are going to take his unfriendly behaviour towards you as rejection.
I guess here is the perspective, he doesn’t want you. When we come to these terms we think the worst. What we don’t know is and I don’t have the answer either, do they not want us because they have learned they won’t get away with two timing as well as they would with other girls. Do they not want us because they would feel guiltier lying to us then other girls. Who knows the reason so why do we always think it is for the worst reason, is all I am getting at.
Hope you feel better and give yourself a break
Hi MH!
Thank you for the long and insightful reply — I appreciate it.
I’m really just so very sad. But I know the only way out of those feelings of sadness is to go back to no contact and keep my self respect, which I feel like I lost a little by sniffing around to see if he has another (other) woman and then telling him I miss him. When he started acting distant and annoyed about this, I even apologized — apologized! — for the conversation. Pathetic. When he’s the one who clearly doesn’t give two s*** about my feelings. No empathy. He just cares about his feelings and needs.
He was the last person I was with, and even though I haven’t seen him in months, it’s taken a while to grieve the relationship — longer, strangely, than the one relationship I was in that had love, care, trust, and respect (until the bitter end). I’ve been puzzled as to why this guy hooked me so badly and why this has taken longer to get over until I found this site. I think this relationship is harder to get over because of a) the ambiguity — unlike a healthy relationship, it was never defined what we were (though he constantly called me his “friend” pointedly, as if he were trying to indicate I shouldn’t expect too much), and I never knew when I would hear from him/see him again. So when a normal relationship ends it *ends* and you can start the cycles of grief, but I wasn’t sure when this relationship ended for a long while because I kept expecting him to turn up and want to see me. b) The Future Faking makes you fantasize about that potential future after a while. The carrot has been dangled in front of your nose so long that you just want to really try it and see if it is going to be the tastiest carrot of all time — that you’ve been led to believe it is both by yourself and him — and you never get to have it. Having something so close and so far at the same time is absolutely aggravating. c) When you let your boundaries be busted and allow yourself to be treated “less than” and disrespected, even if you don’t go cray cray on the guy in the end, you not only have to recover the loss of the relationship and the rejection, but all the pain that comes from being continually undervalued by someone you care for.
It’s just one big ball of pain pain pain, and I’m doing my best to get through it one day at a time so I can hopefully be with someone who actually loves me one of these days.
I hope I’ve learned my lesson. I want to be valued. I want to be done with people who don’t seem to like me much or care for me.
I think it’s so funny that with this guy he couldn’t get enough of me in the beginning — it was hours and hours of text messages and emails and hounding me day and night — and now, nothing. I hate these guys for that. Leave me alone! What do you think you’re doing, playing with peoples’ hearts like that? They really just have no clue.
hi Learning,
I hope I’ve learned my lesson. I want to be valued. I want to be done with people who don’t seem to like me much or care for me.
I say the same thing as you but if there is still a lesson to be learn a few more AC’s may come our way but it will be our job to detect, protect and walk away.
That being said we are still emotionally unavailable because we are still hung up on these guys and we are idealizing them.
I use to tell my EUM I want mr 2008 guy back. I laughed when i recently discovered this website and it talked about how we wish they would go back to the beginning. It was strange to see Natalie this stranger talk about my experience as though she has been video taping my life or something. Then to read tonnes of posts on here describing my situation as though we all have been dating the same guy. My EUM would call me after my comment and say hi mr 2008 is at your service. In reality when I look back mr 2008 sucked too there just wasn’t enough damage yet to realize how bad.
Like you say with your guy my mr 2008 seem to not be able to get enough of me and there wasn’t other fall back girls in his life at that time except me. How crazy is that that I want to be the only fall back girl in his life.
THAT’S THE THING ALWAYS REMEMBER IN ORDER TO STAY IN THEIR LIVES WE HAVE TO BE FALLBACK GIRLS. WE LEARNED HOW MUCH IT SUCKED WE DON’T WANT TO IDEALIZE THESE GUYS BECAUSE IT KEEPS US IN FALL BACK MODE.
Were better than this. It is a good thing that he acted rude because if he was nice, you would get more attached and then endure more pain later. I know you know this and it is still hard to feel rejected but this post is about being thankful they are jerks. I am grateful for you and with you because it gives you more of chance to move on sooner then later.
My Eum is nice to me, really nice, yet I am done and that is what has kept me away. I left before he made one of his fall back girls his girlfriend and I think her being in his life also helps me stay away because I won’t help someone cheat. I don’t know if he would either because he hasn’t cheated on his girlfriends in the pastl. When he was with other women he wasn’t committed to any of them so it was all fair game unfortunately. Except at first when he wouldn’t tell the one girl. I bugged him long enough and he finally told her.
You know why you are sad because you think he is catch. HE IS NOT A CATCH, HE IS A LOSS THAT NEEDS TO BE GRIEVED.
No matter what, it is a loss that is why we grieve it doesn’t make it any less of a loss just because they are not healthy emotionally. But you still are idealizing that he is a catch.
Like myself, you need to work on breaking down their pedestals and put them where they belong, not good enough for us or not the right match.
I think it’s so funny that with this guy he couldn’t get enough of me in the beginning — it was hours and hours of text messages and emails
Remember Natalie says text messagess and emails are red flag indicators of lazy communication by EUM’s and Assclowns.
My EUM did most of his communicating in person or by phone so I didn’t receive this red flag and I had to dig out red flags other ways.
and hounding me day and night — and now, nothing.
Hounders are the epitome of an AC or EUM
I hate these guys for that.
Your mad at yourself for not detecting, protecting and walking away. You don’t hate him he filled a void at that time you couldn’t because of your low self esteem.
Leave me alone!
If he left you alone in the beginning you probably would have felt more rejected because you didn’t learn enough of the lesson. You would have wondered why he left and you would have replaced him with another ac in order to learn the lesson. You needed to go through whatever it was that you went through to be who you are today, and get where you need to go tomorrow.
What do you think you’re doing, playing with peoples’ hearts like that?
He played with your heart because you were closed off and hiding behind him. You were vulnerable to him because you didn’t want to be vulnerable to someone who could really break your heart if they left. He finds hearts to play with and when you give your heart to the wrong man they don’t value it because afterall you didn’t either by giving it them the wrong person.
They really just have no clue.
Yes they do have a clue. Your just as messed up as them sorry and they think your their equal and they can play because your heart is made of steal just like theirs. Really all you two are doing is feeding each other’s needs how dare you expect more from them, they don’t you.
I know their minds are sick and twisted but it makes pathetic sense when you look at their actions it sure appears to be this way. Plus my eum would describe weird things like this and I heard other eum’s think like this.
I don’t think your ex was rejecting you I think in his warped mind my explanation is correct above. He thinks when you were sniffing around for clues, you knew the score the whole time, you were on board, what are you doing now acting all devoted you know better. I think that is why he was acting annoyed. When you tell him you miss him he thinks what!! We were just having some fun why is she gettting all serious on me. They can’t handle the closeness.
I learned all this because my eum and i were friends and he told me all about the other girls, and he gave me the inside to his head of what he was thinking every time a girl got mushy. He said he doesn’t like that and he would get mean. He was never mean like that to me ever. If I wanted to tell him how I felt about something he would listen and I would put him in his place if I didn’t like his response, I always had the power over him because I could walk away and he knew it, the other girls couldn’t and he knew that too because they didn’t but I did.
My eum told me when I tried to warned him that he is breaking his other fall back girl’s heart by at first not telling her about being with other women even though him and her were not committed. He said something Natalie points out and I was shocked when she said it because it is true these guys do think this strangely. Like I gave the examples up above while breaking down your post. He said she is not really looking for a commitment either because she wouldn’t be chasing me if she was. His fall back girl was a once a week booty call who was dying to be his girlfriend but he flat out said no until two years later. Right after I dumped him (I was one of his other fall back girls, the FWB who was before her)
We do have to work through the pain but part of that process is putting into perspective that we are building them up to be better than they are and so we are adding pain where we shouldn’t.
Focus more on yourself, I am learning that we need to heal our messy heads and that takes away focussing on them as much. We are the ones that need the healing, rather than spending our time blaming them for the situation.
We were willing to go along with it all as much as they were so we need to put the accountability where it belongs on US!
FORGIVE OURSELVES, FORGIVE YOURSELF, ITS WHAT YOU NEEDED AT THE TIME.
“We do have to work through the pain but part of that process is putting into perspective that we are building them up to be better than they are and so we are adding pain where we shouldn’t. ”
GREAT words, MH. Very true.
I am thankful that the fog is finally lifting. Thankful that I am feeling myself again – happy! I am thankful that I am coming to the acceptance stage of healing. I am thankful that I can pray for him again (and that is not for him to come back either!!)
I am thankful for all of you and Nats blog and articles – although I am very behind in reading them – thankful for that as well because it means I am not on here 24/7 thinking and discussing him. YEAH!!
Thankful period. I am truley blessed!!
I am thankful I now know what healthy looks like. That I know I have options. That I got away in time (and to think I mourned the loss!). That he didn’t love me – what a nightmare that would have been. That I stopped being so scared. That I learned to care for myself. That I took my power back. That I learned the value of true friendship. That I learned that boundaries are there for my protection.
I am thankful I can comfort and calm myself and no longer need drama to make me feel alive. Thankful for all the support and the fact that it cames from so many places (including this site). Thankful that I am never too old to learn. Thankful that, even in midst of the insanity, some small piece of me knew I deserved better and went no contact before I had every heard of the NCR or assclowns. Thankful that I now know the warning signs of a narcissist and can run like hell if one crosses my path again.
I am thankful that I have learned I can go through hell and come out better and laughing and liking myself. I am thankful that I have learned that, by embracing my emotions instead of stuffing, ignoring or trying to control them, they no longer control me, they just guide me.
I am thankful for the past year. Without it, I wouldn’t be who I am today. For the first time in my life, I like who that is and am proud of her.
Thank you, Natalie.
I am thankful for finding this website. It has done so much for me I barely know where to begin. It’s unfolded my own story before my very eyes, time and time again. It’s made me see that my assclown isn’t unique but has mistreated me according to a well-known pattern of emotional unavailability, game-playing, teasing, disrespect, using me ruthlessly and relentlessly as a source of narcissistic supply while playing me off against TWO other women.
Lately I find myself using the phraseology Natalie uses. It’s made me see starkly what an absolute bloody idiotic FOOL and DOORMAT I have been. I’ve tried time and again to leave this arrogant, manipulative narc, but found myself so utterly helplessly, magnetically addicted to him and trapped by my own addiction that I was unable to get away.
He exploited my vulnerability to the nth degree. He has insulted and abused me, driven me half insane with bewilderment, sucked me dry like a vampire. He is, in short, the most selfish, self-obsessed person I’ve ever met in my life. I had loads of Red Flags, but I ignored them. I made endless excuses for why he behaved the way he did. He was special, he was unique, he was damaged by another woman, he had OCPD and NPD. I thought I could win his love by having no boundaries, by loving him unconditionally, believing that eventually he’d see that I am the woman who loved him more than any other. He repaid me by telling me he intends to pursue another woman but will deign to keep seeing me till the end of the year. So I am supposed to keep on having sex with him, counting down the weeks, knowing he is thinking about her and not me, wanting to be with her and not me, and you know what, I actually agreed to go along with it. I sincerely wonder if any woman has degraded herself as much as I have with this tosser.
But thanks to the help of two wonderful women, A and N, plus reading every page on this site, today I emailed him to say I won’t be seeing him for the rest of this year.
Yes I know there are plenty of braver souls than me on here who found the strength to go NC, but when you are chemically addicted, just making a commitment to not see him for five weeks is just HUGE. Well it feels huge to me because I am finally sticking up for myself, standing up to him, seeing him for the utter arsewipe that he truly is and refusing to kow tow to him any longer. I said something to contradict him today and he was astonished. The WORM HAS TURNED.
I’ve taken a little bit of control, done something really active instead of being the passive victim waiting for him to make all the decisions about keeping or ending our relationship while I meekly toddle along at my usual five paces behind him.
Hi Wasted love,
good for you, do what is right for you, and stick up for yourself.
Thank you MH.
I am thankful for all the things he did yesterday. For laying naked in my bed and telling me again that he is pining for another woman and leaving me for her. For not bothering to straighten the bedding after he got up, for not offering to wash the dishes from the dinner I’d cooked him, for not thanking me for cooking it. For telling me he hopes nobody buys him a Christmas present because that “puts him under obligation” to buy them something in return and he can’t be bothered. For refusing to do a small favour for me (after all those I’ve done for him!) For not reimbursing me for food I’d bought at his request (several times) or for a book I obtained to help him. I am thankful that he again showed his true colours by arrograntly assuming that HIS interpretation, opinion and labelling of our interactions and our relationship is the ONLY valid one. I am thankful that he told me he expected to be “Top Dog” in this relationship. I am thankful he let me witness the way he begrudged spending euro 2.99 on a present for his other girlfriend, for roping me in to choose it, and for being cross when he saw it in another shop for 2.50.
I am thankful for these and the many other behaviours that have forced me to see what a miserly, arrogant, selfish, self-absorbed, withholding, manipulative narcissist he is, making it increasingly difficult for me to maintain my illusion that he’s a normal kind of guy who’s just got a few quirks and a bit of baggage.
Although I wept a little this morning at the thought of never holding him or kissing him again, I am reminding myself that there WILL be tears and misery whether I am his g/f or not. After all, I’ve spent the last eight months sobbing over this man while I WAS seeing him. But NOT seeing him means there WILL eventually be an end to misery, whereas if I continue seeing him the misery will, literally, never end because there will always be a fresh source.
My main worry now is how I am ever going to forgive myself for being a narc-man’s doormat, for wasting my love.
Wastedlove
Wastedlove,
your main worry now is not to keep on cooking dinners, washing dishes, getting cheap and giving it away cheap for this total user! (maybe also you should stop blaming ‘oxy-this’ and ‘oxy-that’ and start taking control of your behaviour).
You and he are separate individuals. Everything about you is not also about him. You are a separate entity. I am sorry to sound brutal but he is making a total mug out of you (juts hearing ‘your story’ makes me angry o your behalf) At the very leat you should be telling him how dare he talk to you about his desire for other women while he is in your home, in your bed taking his pleasures from you. What a creep!
He is plainly one of those men who will treat a woman juts as badly as she allows him to… again, I am sorry to be brutal but it needs to be said that you’d be as well asking him to leave the money on the bedside table! Maybe you’d get a couple of Euro for your services to this asshole!… sorry, but these guys juts make me mad! And it should be making you angry too. He is NOT a nice man, wastedlove – charming is a sham!
Wasted
I feel like sending in an emergency extraction team! Baby steps,at least don’t have sex with him again. Next time you feel the urge, remind yourself of how you felt yesterday, afterwards. It’s really not worth the x minutes/hours of mindblowing sex.
Which is probably only mindblowing because the situation is so screwed. But even if it IS genuinely great, it’s not enough.
Wastedlove,
I used to be in your position for almost three years, and now I just stopped taking him seriously! I know I should rid of him for good, but somehow I cant, as used to him:-(
My AC never mentioned other women, never, if he did, I would dump him straight-away.
Please stay strong, and stop blaming yourself, you are not doormat, you just happened to love him!!! He does not deserve you, you are wonderful and caring person and I am sure you will meet someone eventually who will love and appreciate you!!!
(((HUGS)))
Please everyone. Please stop thinking “if he did this, I would dump him” .”if he did THAT Iwould dump him”. What they do already is PLENTY to warrant a dumping. Please do not set the bar so low that you accept their terrible behaviour. A relationship should add love, care and trust (to quote Natalie) to your life.
It’s not supposed to be an endurance test of what you will put up with. We’re not in a competititon to see who has the best/worst AC/EUM. None of them are worth our precious time. And time is precious. You get one life, don’t waste it on these people.
Thank you Fearless, Grace and Happy for your effort, love, time and care.
@Happy — thank you for the moral support! You are right, my only “crime” was to love, as we women do!
@Grace — others need the team more than me. 🙂 Sex was excellent from the first time and was sublime the final time (Friday). It’s the only part of the relationship I’ve struggled to give up. I will miss it dreadfully (R.I.P. my sex life.)
@Fearless, that was only the second meal I’ve ever cooked for him — and the last. You say, “stop blaming ‘oxy-this’ and ‘oxy-that’ and start taking control of your behaviour”. Count yourself lucky to have avoided being chemically /hormonally addicted to an EUM. To casually dismiss my addiction just after I’ve forced myself to face up to and admit to having it doesn’t help.
You exhort me to “take control” . I reduced the relationship to sex-only a month ago. We aren’t gender stereotypes; the loss of the “social” side hurts him and benefits me. OK he got me to spend social time with him Friday-Saturday, but that served only as an opportunity for him to again display behaviours that show what he really is and help get me to the point where, on Saturday night I emailed to say I am not having sex with him any more this year. (This gives me five weeks to get over the addiction and hopefully, come the new year, I will be free of it and won’t have sex with him again.)
I can barely believe that I did it! I’m taken aback by how fast I’ve managed to get to this stage (BR/Nat is 50% responsible). It’s only six weeks since I discovered his True Self. Some women get trapped for years; I’m one of the luckier ones.
I think I am making excellent progress and deserve a thumbs up for what I have achieved so far than a swift slap of impatient disapproval.
Love, Wastedlove xxxx
Wastedlove,
I wish you all the luck in the world. I do not dismiss your pain or the difficulty of your situation. Sometimes when we read about the behaviour of these men we feel angry on behalf of the woman posting the comments. I am currently in NC with a man I loved dearly, and loved sleeping with, just like you. I have, however, never heard of such a thing as a person suffering from a chemical dependency on another individual. It’s a new one on me. How is the chemical absorbed – through the skin? Do you think this is a problem many here have unwittingly been suffering from via these men?
It’s quite clear from your first posts on here that you have come a long way in a short time – you are at least now open to the possibility of dumping him… and this is certainly a positive. I’m sure no-one here means to discourage you… When I fist came on Nat’s site I read so many posts that assured me NC worked… that it gives us an opportunity to see the situation we are in more clearly – it clears the fog and helps us to see that the focus of our actions and thoughts should be on ourselves and not about him. He has to leave the stage, if you like. We have to see ourselves as completely separate from anything to do with him. I tried to follow the advice and simply trust in the process that I was told on here (via Nat and others) does actually work if you stick to it, and so far the advice has been good advice. NC and setting new boundaries for yoourself is the only way to go. All those people and Nat are 100% right and you too will come,in your own time, to realise this. Hard as it may be to get it off the ground – no-one is saying it is easy; it gets easier because you feel it making a difference to your outlook and view of the relationship, the man involved and most of all you start to see yourself in a different way – your self-esteem and sense of your own value begins to return.
The fog for me is clearing day by day. Everyday I see yet something more with a whole different clarity than I ever did before. Before Nat, what was so bad about my ‘relationship’ was all a “feeling” a sense of deep unease – now it’s becoming a clear, cut and dried certainty. It is the best advice I ever got and I cannot thank Natalie enough for it. Even if I were to fall off the wagon (I am taking nothing for granted!) or decided to ‘suck it and see’ I am pretty sure I would just get right back on track again, so I feel more confident in being able to handle any fall-out from all of this.
I would encourage you to give yourself complete NC with this man, write down some core boundaries that you think you had failed to have in place before this relationship began. As Nat reminded me, NC means NC; there is no half-way house; there is no compromise here; so I would avoid sending him any more emails telling him what you are intending to do or not intending to do or the reasons why. He will only know you are not contacting him when you are actually not contacting him. You won’t need to tell him. Telling him is contacting him. So it is essentially contradictory behaviour – and he will know that. As I said, they are not daft.
And, I seem to keep saying this, Grace is right -above all you should not have sex with him – this is just fuelling the whole thing for you. And, if I may say, I would suggest that you try to avoid putting so much weight on the sexual aspect – have you listened to Nat’s little video blog at the top left of the page about how our vaginas are not good at making relationship decisions on our behalf. If not – have a listen to it.
I do wish you all the best. F
@Grace
“It’s not supposed to be an endurance test of what you will put up with.”
Absolutely!! We all know when we should be walking away. We all know crap when we are getting it. All this “I would leave if he did x or if he did y… but not if he just did z and w and b and c and d and f and g…” sounds like the boundaries are a bit vague.
It really helps, if I might repeat, if you KNOW what your boundaries actually are and hold true to them… then we can say ‘if he refuses to honour my boundaries, I walk away’
Fearless,
I needed to read your following words:
“He will only know you are not contacting him when you are actually not contacting him. You won’t need to tell him. Telling him is contacting him. So it is essentially contradictory behaviour – and he will know that. As I said, they are not daft.”
I went NC going on four weeks ago. I didn’t say a word to him. I have struggled with whether this was the right thing to do to just disappear. I know in my gut it is, but I still have that nagging doubt.
Y0ur wise words have cemented my decision for good. My lips (and fingertips via email) are sealed!
Thank you,
LN
If sex is more important to me than it is to you, why should I change to make it less important? There’s no right or wrong.
Yeah, today I wrote and dumped him, he replied saying goodbye and wishes me all the best for the future. I’m totally distraught, it feels like I’ve made a big mistake. I could have been with him this evening; instead I’ve been sobbing uncontrollably and cannot believe what I’ve done. It just hurts too much! Life seems too short to deny yourself a litte bit of pleasure now and again.
WastedLove, let me give you a piece of advice. This is your life to lead. Make your own choices, live your own choices and accept the consequences of those choices, good, bad, or indifferent. If sex is your priority, that’s your prerogative. It’s not about it being right or wrong but you are contradicting yourself and it’s like you want to have it all. It’s not how it works. Lots of people have sexually based arrangements but they recognise in prioritising the sex or participating in a sexual arrangement that they must not have the same emotional expectations that come with a full blown relationship. Period.
Your love life is not a democratic process. You are free to do as you like and it is not up to anyone here to make decisions for you and not one person here has forced you into making your decision. Likewise, the fact that he does not want a relationship or only wants a sexual relationship is not a democratic process. You either accept it or you don’t. It’s not up for negotiation. He has made his position clear. It is now up to you to decide what position you are going to take up.
If you stay in the situation, you accept accountability for placing yourself in a situation in which you know that it is emotionally painful. It’s not a case of Stay and Complain. You know what the situation is – either accept it, have the sex and leave it at that, or accept it, accept that your emotional needs are valid but that they won’t be met with him, and go through the painful but necessary process of letting go.
If you choose to stay away and you’re still “sobbing uncontrollably and cannot believe what [you’ve] done” in a few weeks/months, then maybe you’ll need to Suck It and See and burn your hand in the fire again to discover again that it burns. But a few hours is hardly a basis to decide to go back.
Fact of the matter is that is never going to be easy to let go of someone you are sexually or emotionally invested in. It’s supposed to hurt and in the short-term it will hurt more than it won’t. If you are half hearted in your complaints and your decision, I can assure you that you’ll be back shagging him fairly sharpish. Again that’s up to you, but make sure you realise that every time you send him these emails and declare yourself out or that you’re going to be out soon, you reduce your credibility. This man has heard these lines from other women many times before. He is well schooled in dealing with women who cannot keep their emotions in check. Truth be told, when we send emails/texts or make phonecalls saying what we’re going to do, it’s like throwing them a lifeline to ‘do the right thing’ and fight for us, throw themselves at our mercy, declare themselves unable to cope without us, throw us another option. The last thing you want is to be wished “all the best for the future”. You want to matter.
Fact is that your situation isn’t an anomaly and you’re not the exception to the rule. I and others can want better for you but you are at the end of the day in charge of wanting better for you. Your guy isn’t someone special, he’s not some freak of nature doing something different to every other guy out there, and when you strip away the excuses and the details, he is a man that is only interested in having a sexual relationship with a woman who wants to matter beyond the sex. The two things don’t match. It doesn’t matter what his reasons are, it doesn’t matter if he is screwing everyone from here to Bangkok, the point is that he is screwing you because he can. Like every other woman he is involved with, because you value the supposed sexual connection that you share with him, you have each rationalised your position, claimed addictions, and are competing for pole position.
If you are addicted to him, and addiction is actually a big word that shouldn’t be thrown around lightly to justify why you’re still in a bad situation, then seek professional help. If you genuinely believe that you are sexually dependent on someone in the way that someone is dependent on drugs, alchohol, gambling – seek professional help.
But if it’s a case that you’re with him because you want to be, that’s not addiction, that’s wanting something in spite of the fact that beyond the short-term, it creates more pain than good. That’s being with him because it caters to your beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships. That’s being with him because you think that sex and love are intertwined (they’re not).
And there is a right and wrong in the context of your actions. If we do something that repeatedly creates pain for us, it’s because it is wrong for us.
I suggest you evaluate your position and separate yourself from this site and the readers and make up your own mind about who you are and what you want. And then own that decision 100%. If getting some pleasure ‘now and again’ is worth all of this, knock yourself out. One way or another, in time you will figure out if it is actually worth it.
Fearless,
I think Wasted love is referring to chemicals in the brain that cause addiction.
Experts have said that relationships can be like a chemical addiction along the lines of alcohol, smoking, drugs, sex and love addiction. Each affects the brain in its own capacity some more than others in strength that is. Codependency is what seems to be what most of us on here suffer from, which is classified like an addiction almost.
In a way everybody doing no contact is a detoxification. This is how we physically get away from the dependency on sex with them.
I know everybody on here is right about the more we get away from them the better we see things and the better we get on with our lives. I know that the slow process I have done has been the best for me and is moving along in the right direction. The main thing for me was physically staying away because that detoxified me so to speak.
So yeah no contact is the detoxification stage.
I understand the push from everyone about NC because of what everyone has gotten out of it.
I understand how most on here have to do it cold turkey and will promote cold turkey, however for some it can’t be done cold turkey. Some need to take it slower. Just like some quit smoking slowly.
I will tell you something I have had several friends quit smoking slowly weining themselves off and other’s cold turkey. All my friends that slowly weined themselves off quit for good the rest who did CT went back to it. I know cold turkey does work too because I have seen some of my mom’s friends do it.
Maybe for people like Wasted love she has to do it slowly and I think we can all respect that. Not everything works for everyone even though it seems to be working for most.
I am the one who has done the weining with all of my relationships and it is working for me. I weined myself off from my ex AC and I haven’t spoken to him in six years I was finally able to cut it off in my time way back then and then I went cold turkey.
I am not trying to makes excuses or step on toes, I just understand how the human tendency works about being ready to do things. There is actually a documented procedure of how change works Precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, relapse.
They actually include falling off the wagon now as part of changing. Sort of the suck and see process Nat mentions and you made a reference to.
We all are going in the same direction here but for some they have to take a little longer.
I have a friend right now who is going through kind of what Wasted love is going through and I go on and on about all this stuff I am learning here and I tell her go here. She tells me she is learning so much from me and I say it isn’t the same you need to go here to really learn it. I realize she has to do what she needs to do and she doesn’t want to give up the sex. She went all these years with no sex after dating an assclown and doesn’t want to do it again. I can only be there for her and let her do things in her time. I did tell her to buy a vibrator at least it won’t do things on its terms you rule the roost. She laughed and said you really make me laugh thank you for always being there for me. We have been friends since we were five years old.
However keep saying the things you guys all say because it does sink in for me. I have been ignoring my last EUM and it is your words of wisdome and his bothersome ways that are at present keeping me from replying.
Good list Natalie! I myself, would probably put health at the very top of the list. Without that, we have nothing.
I would also add that I’m thankful for never being the same woman again. The one who let things like this happen. I’m thankful that I’ve left her behind and welcomed a new woman who wouldn’t stand for maltreatment in any shape or form.
@WastedLove
A narcisscist doesn’t want to be loved. They don’t what love is when it hits them. A narcissist is very incapable of forming any kind of lasting relationship no matter how many other women or innocent victims he shags. Dating and fooling around with a narcissist is pure waste of time. My ex was narcissist and I didn’t have a clue of what and who I was dealing with at the time. But thank God I broke it off at the right time. NC;this website; and reading up on narcissist men really saved me from wasting more time and falling off the wagon. I never fell off once since the day I cut him off going on 9 months NC and its the best feeling in the world. I don’t even miss not being in what I thought was a healthy relationship. But that’s what nar’s do. They’ll have you thinking that the behavior and treatment you’re receiving is LOVE and it is not. Its simply an illusion dealing with these type of men and after its finally over depending on how bad of a nar he was; it can leave a lasting effect on your self esteem. I am at a place of contentment where now I don’t even have the urge to want to be in a relationship for a while until I’m well able and ready and God gives the okay. The next one will have to be God sent. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
@ JJ
I have to agree with you, a narc isn’t capable of giving or receiving love. He/she wants ATTENTION, that’s all. The conditions they place on so called relationships are so extreme that it’s bound to hurt someone, but not them!
The so called relationship I was in damaged my self-esteem. It felt like being in a wilderness.
It doesn’t stop there either for the narcs. Once they have a taste of how powerful they perceive themselves to be, they go on to the next victim. I’ll never forget what my narc AC said to me “I wonder if I can have two women at once” That was not including his WIFE. My response was to tell him in an elegant way that if he did that he’d have no b$$ls left!
I’ve called myself an idiot many times over this man, but going NC the first time around (even with the four times we had contact in three years) made me see the light. But I got burned when I saw him again this year and I learned my lesson the hard way.
I’m NC again. I wasn’t even counting the months – but I just have and it’s been almost two and my life feels great because of it.
NC is the most empowering thing any woman can do for herself when faced with an impossible situation that only causes long term damage to oneself.
Right now, if he were to contact me again (and he won’t because he’s too afraid of my being unkind to him) I wouldn’t respond. Simply because 1) he’s not man enough for me and 2) he’s immoral, indecent and a cowardly abusive man. I pity his wife – the woman that only gives him sex once a month and goes to bed at 9pm every night. She’s running away from him – I had a lucky escape!
Happy? You betcha! I’m living again 🙂 And if another man comes into my life, like you, he would have to be heaven sent!
Hi Leigh and JJ
Can you guys explain a little more about Narcissitic behaviours. I have done some of reading on the topic and keep hearing the typical signs but it would be clearer to hear examples applied to EUM’s or AC’s to see if my exe’s were actually narcisstice because it seems they did have tendencies.
They either said they can’t love or fall in love
Many said they did love and fell in love but their actions said to me something else is going on. I think the one that said he couldn’t was the only one in reality and telling the truth.
They lacked empathy but then at times I saw empathy with in some situations so I was unsure if they lack empathy for the most part if that counts more.
These push away games who wants to push away love I don’t get that.
Who wants to stay unhealthy I don’t get that.
If you don’t mind giving examples it would be helpful
thanks
@ MH.
If your gut is telling you something them listen. Narcs can be:
Cruel.
Liars (even to themselves)
Contradictory (even in the same sentence)
Overly sensitive to person criticism (even resorting to violent attacks)
Very critical of others (in the most degrading of ways)
Full of illusions.
Lives in a fantasy world.
Egotistical.
There are so many things to list. But I’d prefer not to give personal examples because its just way too personal to do that.
Anyone can have a fix of Narc and AC.
They show empathy when it’s suits their purpose!
They show love in limited supply because it suits their purpose.
Control at all costs. These men are harmful not only to others but themselves.
I think the best thing to do is not to try to “get” them but rather try to empower YOU. Life isn’t about these men, there is so much more to life than waiting for a narcs love. It simply isn’t worth it!
MH,
I’m not Leigh or JJ, but I hope it is okay that I offer some thoughts on narcissists and that these thoughts are applicable to your question.
“Who wants to stay unhealthy I don’t get that.”
Narcissists don’t see themselves as unhealthy. We are all the unhealthy ones in their minds. Because of this, they have no desire to change. Narcissism is rarely admitted by the narc and even more rarely cured.
About empathy, narcs are excellent emulators of normal behavior they have observed from others. They do this to gain your trust and therefore secure your narcissistic supply. His displays of empathy at times may have just been to keep you hooked and giving him narcissistic supply (attention).
Narcissists are incapable of love for another as they have filled up their whole being with love for himself/herself. They may have confused that thrilling, heady rush at the beginning of the relationship with love. Anyone can fall into that kind of “love,” even narcissists. Narcs just can’t make it last past a month or two before they tire of it and want to move on to the next victim to give them their next heady rush. This is how they feel alive.
You are wondering if your exes were narcs or not. Trust your gut. You found yourself researching answers to those nagging doubts/questions for a reason. Many may disagree with me on this next point, but I believe that EUMs/ACs/Narcs are like those paint samples at the home improvement store. They are different shades and intensities, but they are still all related to the same color family. I look at these destructive jerks as being one in the same.
Even if your ex’s were only EUMs and/or ACs, good riddance!
@JJ…. Yes, I’ve read up on narcs. Mine doesn’t have every trait but has three, which he manages to hide but, spending so much time with me, they leaked out eventually. I’m thankful I found out now. What if I’d married him, bought a house together? Phew, close escape!
Hopeful is hopeless… almost 56 yrs old now…a life full of abuse, now away from it all, but full of toxins. My daughter says you’re free now mama, go live your life and enjoy it, you have years left. Stop thinking so much, stay off the internet searching for answers. Get out and enjoy things. Enjoy what I ask? I suffered at the hands of many, some my own choices, I knew no better. I understand now why women go back. That’s all they’ve known, they don’t know what else to do. I can’t undo 55 yrs. It’s too hard to try and move forward. I spent this whole day with my family, (children, their spouses, granchildren, their friends, my ex-husband and his latest piece of trash since his 2nd divorce). I got home and felt even worse after it all. The AC of mine tried to call me after I sent a couple of texts telling him I thought after all these years he could at least have given me a explanation for NC. Well what the hell, whatever he might have said would’ve only served to make me feel worse anyway. I wish I could go somewhere where no one knew me and be alone. Yeah, my beliefs are screwed up, my views are distorted, what the hell could you expect after it all. Maybe I would find true peace and happiness, but maybe just more of the same. Right now I’m not thankful and I’m too tired to do more of the same or try different. You say stuck, despondant, discouraged… yep, that’s me. Try therapy, try medication, try something different. Been there, done that, I’m still here and I’m still miserable. Kook for the joy, too tired for even that. I want to do NOTHING but can’t even do that either, it’s not possible or realistic. Cynical, resentful, yep, that’s me. Restless, yet tired, and too darn tired to even try. Answers, yeah I suppose there are, sorry all this should probably not post. There are those who can move on, who have hope, and there’s hope for me even but…
Hopeful…..wow your story touched me. I just turned 56 in Oct and after a year of NC I feel my life is beginning to start again.
Seems you’re looking for answers that might not be there or they aren’t the answers you want and that makes it all the more frustrating. You said you suffered at the hands of many and some by your own choice, that’s the key words “your own choice”. You do have choices, you can stay stuck as Nat has told us about many times or you can start to deal with your issues.
I’ve been there and it is not easy, it is down right painful but it is not hopeless. You have to put in the work needed for change and I’ve learned that the hard way. Days when I thought I’d never get out of the depression I was in, days when I thought I’d always live in the black hole I dug for myself. But little by little, baby step by baby step and with the help of this site I began my journey in Oct 2009.
I spent days reading every post Nat had written at that time, some brought me to my knees in racking sobs because they were painful to read but Oh so necessary. Then one day a small flicker light broke thru all that darkness and its gotten better since then. Depression is ugly, it robs you of everything, it eats at your soul and leaves you for dead.
There is no magic formula, what worked for me may not for you but I do know nothing changes if we don’t.
Hopeful, I have a history of emotional and physical abuse, and neglect in my childhood. I have had recurrent clinical depression and bad relationships all my adult live. I am now 45. But in the previous five years things (since I dumped the last EUM) life has been getting slowly slowly better. The previous few months have got MUCH better, I feel genuinely happy. Which is amazing for this time of year! I usually have SAD all winter.
Baby steps – eat well, exercise and see friends (people who genuinely treat you well). Try therapy again – I’m on my fourth counsellor, and have hit the jackpot with this one. He’s an older man and it can help to get a completely different perspective.
You DO still have years to enjoy, and when you get there, the past won’t be hanging around your neck like an albatross, you’ll be in the moment, the present rather than brooding about what’s happened or worrying about what will happen.
Your life can change. I know it.
I feel your pain. You feel like this NOW because the abuse carried on a long time and so a long recovery is natural. Yes it’s a shame it took so long but please don’t waste what time you have left (I too am in my fifties). The main thing is, you are (nearly) out of it. You know that you have to stop texting him, try to find the guts to delete his number. I know it’s hard, but it’s not impossible. Good luck, keep posting and most of all, keep on reading this website, page by page. It’s helped me more than I could ever have imagined. Loads of love, hugs and kisses. xxxx
I am thankful for this site, as it is a place to go both when happy and sad. I am sad today. In an effort to finally rid myself of a very destructive narcissistic AC, I have resigned from my job (where he also works) and am going to have to sell my house and move out of this country, back across the Atlantic where I am from. A very big decision and one not made lightly. I felt peace when I made it. Like going NC, it just feels like the right thing to do. We had tried on several occasions to try and work things out at work and get to a place of professional civility but just can’t. Too much water under the bridge, too much hatred and pain, too much history. The last time we spoke, he absolutely did the scorched and salted earth thing and I can’t even bring myself to utter a syllable to him, even if it is work related. It’s time to move on. I spent the weekend in my little village, which I love, in the house I love and renovated and the feeling of sadness is overwhelming. I hadn’t even worked this hard to make things ok after a breakup when I got divorced. It just goes to show that, even with the best of intentions, it takes two people to make any relationship work and no AC on the planet is going to bother, even if there is some work incentive involved. I know in my heart its the right decision but there is a very real sense of loss and failure associated with it all. I can say I tried and I know a year from now things will be better, but sometimes the fall out from these relationships is very real and long lasting.
I am grateful to Natalie and the women of this site. I am not sure how I would be getting through all this without you. Thank you.
@Tina
It is real and everlasting and can be an amazing positive turning point.
Its been 5 months since I upped sticks and dismantled my life after 20 years in London to a little village in the country. (leaving behind the Ex, the house, the constant triggers). Knowing only a vague aquaintance in the next road. Like you it felt like the right thing. (Now I wish I had done it 10 years ago!) Yes there will be hard times ahead for you but I get it. Sometimes the fresh start and shattering of the old life needs to be so total so as when you rebuild you choose what enters it next. You are not running away, you are running towards a brighter place even if you don’t know what it is yet. Real friends will be at your side no matter where you go. Keep planning, dreaming, know what your cushions are emotionally and try and plan in for them. I knew I would get pretty lonely on a social level initially and found an events group in advance so hit the ground running doing one or two events a week. Comedy nights, quiz nights, films, art exhibitions, Christmas carols, beach walks, CSI talks its pretty diverse and very enjoyable. I joined the gym and an art class. All of these situations have re educated me what healthy humans look like. They are forthcoming with information, game free and straight forward. The potential for a new full life makes the losses so much more bearable. Enjoy your fresh start! Honestly the first emotion I felt in my new cottage was safety. Safe enough to start seeing a life coach and having hypnotherapy on self worth. Space to reflect and process. So many advances in such a short time. So loss and failure have been replaced by safety and security. Secure in the knowledge of boundaries and deciding who and what is welcomed into the new me life.
BR is fabulous and informative and I found this link inspiring too. The author discusses her book. The Dangerous Old Woman by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
..http://www.soundstrue.com/podcast/?p=1596#bottom
Natalie, this post kept me sane and kept me from breaking NC with an EUM/AC.
My AC friend has thrown me crumbs for a long time now, but especially since September when he told he was banning texting from his life and only wanted to communicate with emails. He doesn’t know that I found out later that he still texts, he just doesn’t text me. He lies as easily as he breathes.
Thanksgiving night a mutual friend text me asking did I get a “Happy Thanksgiving” text from him. Of course I didn’t. Why she asked when she knows he doesn’t text me I’ll never understand. The instant hurt and rejection stung me right there in the presence of my family on our wonderful holiday.
It hurt me so badly because this manboy has never in five years wished me a happy anything. But since I started NC three weeks ago, I haven’t heard from him at all and he is evidently wishing everyone ELSE a happy Thanksgiving.
I felt I had something to prove to him and for a flash of a second, thought about contacting him for what I realized later would be validation. I immediately went to my computer to reread your eBook on NC. It was a definite medicine to my hurt and feelings of rejection. That fabulous book righted my temporary wobbly course. I am still NC thanks to you!
By the way, this mutual friend isn’t treated great by the AC either. I wish she would go NC like I have done, but she feels it is best for her to be cordial to him when he drops in and out of her life as he pleases. She hasn’t reached her “ENOUGH!” moment like I have. Engaging with this AC on any level depletes all normal, loving people in his hemisphere of self-respect and self-esteem.
Thank you again, Natalie. I am forever indebted to you for giving me the push I needed to take care of myself.
@Leigh
You are definitely on point. Nar’s tend to be very verbally abusive and they tend to be very critical with they’re words and comments. Mine came out of no where asking me if I’d be interested in Swinging. When I told him not on God’s green earth; he continued to to belittle me; telling me that I was going to become interested and that he was going to make me interested no matter what I said. Mind you we hadn’t slept together in months when this comment was made and his affection and intimacy for me was out the window. This was really my clue that it was time to make a run for it and that’s exactly what I did. Out of sight out of mind. When Jan 1st gets here that’s when I will be celebrating! New year;new me!!
@JJ
Critical is an understatement and in ways that is just so blatantly manipulative.
After not seeing my ex narc AC for three years he said a few things that made me want to slap his face.
I mean seriously, who do these men think they are? Have they taken a look in the mirror? I don’t think so. Their ego is so inflated it’s off-putting. Hence the reason why you (and I) had the gut feeling to run for it.
New year, new me for SURE! 🙂
I’m sorry Wasted love but how can it be possible that the sex is so good? Is it the drama or validation you think you are getting? I could never get good sex from a person so morally bankrupt. I don’t even think about sex with my ex and he was horrid but he didn’t have another girl that I know of like you know. Please, please think of yourself and why you are allowing it.
Hi Ramona, I’m happy to try to explain. He has a False Self. It’s extremely good, nobody else has seen past it yet. It’s sweep-you-off-your-feet charming, lovingly affectionate, complimentary, kind and caring. Add that to a handsome face and mouthwateringly gorgeous body, phermones that turn my knees to jelly and techniques that blow a woman’s mind and it’s a recipe for addiction. I’m not as outraged as other women about his having another LT g/f, so long as there are no lies. Sex isn’t something I “allow”; it’s something I actively seek and which brings me great pleasure.
“Is it the drama or validation you think you are getting?” I don’t know what you mean by drama, sorry – perhaps you could elaborate? But validation, yes, I definitely get that because on a realistic “scale of attractiveness” he’s a nine and I’m a one, so it certainly makes me feel good about myself as a woman that such a man finds me attractive and gives me compliments. No other man has for years! What ugly, fat, middle-aged woman doesn’t love that? I’ll miss it so much .
Wow. I certainly wasn’t expecting that response. Drama meaning – you doing a dance to keep him around. Please don’t say you are fat and ugly. I don’t care if he is George Clooney with a magic penis. You deserve to be happy and someone’s prize that they appreciate and treat with respect.
Hi Ramona, thanks for clarifying. No, I certainly don’t do any kind of a “dance” or anything to keep him around, he just keeps wanting to see me as my usual self, that seems to be enough. Every word I write is 100% honest truth.
Magic penis indeed, you are funny!
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my friends and family, because they’ve never let me down, EVER. I’m thankful I finally left my ex, because it allowed me to meet somebody who IS worth my time. I’m thankful for this bloggyland, because it allows me to connect with others who have gone through the same thing I have.
Thank you for another great “holiday post,” Natalie. These posts are sooo important at this time because it’s during the holidays that exes often contact us, and it’s also a time we are all very vulnerable. Thanksgiving is no exception. Believe it or not, my ex-EUM/AC sent me an email on Thanksgiving day. This is after almost a year of NC, with occasional attempts by him to “reestablish a connection’ which when I asked him what he meant by that, never had explained to me, and furthermore, he never followed through with real phone calls or attempts to meet in person and discuss things as adults. He would always contact me via email. Ok, so on Thanksgiving day, I got another email from him. Turns out, this email was actually meant for another woman! He sent it to me, “by mistake.” This man, though, was not a man to ever make mistakes like that, so I figured out what he had really done was to send this email to me to get a “reaction” out of me so that I’d email him back. Not thinking, I DID email him back and tell him to be more careful about sending emails to me which were meant for someone else. Well, he used that opportunity to “apologize” for the mix up, but to also tell me that he was single, stable and not dating anyone, and that he wondered why I had never called him when he gave me his number the last time he emailed him. I couldn’t believe that he was trying to drag me once again into his bizarre email communication pattern. To make a long story short, I wrote to him that I didn’t call him because HE was the one who broke up with me in the first place, and if he wanted to really “reestablish a connection,” he’d better tell me and SHOW me what that meant in an authentic way, not in an email. I also told him that the fact he never called me demonstrated to me that he was NOT really interested in reconnecting with me at a deeper level, and that he left me no reason to call him at all, so I didn’t. Well, I never heard back from him again. I really think him sending me this email to this other woman on Thanksgiving day was a tactic by him to try and weasel his way back into my life, find out what was going on with me and to still “punish” me for a relationship that ended that he still blames me for. Why on Thanksgiving? Because they are lonely and have not moved on, and they want to see and HOPE that YOU have not moved on. Don’t give them the pleasure. I should have never answered his email. But I set the boundaries, and am thankful that I warded him off with my directness. His insincerity and his mind games don’t have the effect on me that they used to. . .even during the holidays. Am thankful also for the man I met recently who has really shown me what a REAL relationship should be like. A man who respects, admires and cares for me. . . shows it and MEANS it. And yes, it took me a few dates and looking outside the box to find him. Good men are out there. Hang in there, ladies.
I am thankfull for this website and Natalie, I have learned so much about myself and EUMs.
Also I am thankfull that the man I was interested in for a time, he showed up his true colors before I got more invested.
I am thankfull for I am learning and bettering myself.
I am thankful for NML’s posts and her blog. I am also thankful for all the commenters that share their stories and heartache. I am thankful that I am experiencing healing in my life. I am thankful that I am stronger for the pain and I am wiser for the new knowledge. I am thankful that I am healthy and that I have learned to love myself more fully.
“You have to focus on what a jerk he is and he is AC because he has a girl behind his girlfriend’s back. That is more than emotionally unavailable. You have to focus strongly on his actions towards other’s not just yourself and he is demonstrating that he is not worth any woman’s time. It’s sad for those that don’t know better but better them than you”.
Thanks MH for the above comments you made to someone else, i can relate very much to these comments because after 3 years with my AC/EUM thats exactly what happened to myself. I discovered quite by chance there was another girl in the frame and had been for over a year. She did not know about me and i about her which was a shock for both of us. She said he had ‘some explaining to do’ which almost made me laugh because i had never known him to offer an explanation or apology for anything he did!
Is this normal behaviour of these guys to have one, two or maybe more females in their relationship at any one time? Do they think they are so special that women everywhere are falling over themselves to be with them? If i had known earlier about this particular female, i would not have been in the relationship at all. But perhaps this is what they do – keep it a secret while they add more and more to their harem!!
I have never been so startled by this type of guy, never met one before, and never want to meet another. They charm the pants off you (literally) and then when they have had enough of you, or you have the backbone to stand up to them, they turn nasty and either go behind your back to get someone else in tow without you knowing, or treat you like something under their shoe until you dump them.
Do these guys have no morals, a twisted view of how great they are themselves or are mentally ill. I just cannot make my mind up. This particular man i was with was sweetness, and charm personified when we first got together and then after i refused him when he wanted to move into my home, turned into someone i did not know.
Yes, i think i still do love this man, miss him in my weaker moments, but realise i am better off without him in my life no matter how painful this is at times for me, i cannot and will not break the NC which is now something like almost 5 months!
@susie “Is this normal behaviour of these guys to have one, two or maybe more females in their relationship at any one time?”
ACs or EUM are not clones of one another. Some are faithful and monogamous but EU nonetheless. Some narcs are driven to want more than one woman to obtain Narcissistic Supply. Some ACs think they are god’s gift; others are so insecure they need more than one woman so they’ve got at least one Fallback Girl if the other(s) bail out on him. It’s rarely because they need more sex than one woman can give them.
Mine broke up with me after an argument (which he made it into an argument) over the drinking he was doing and lying about to me. I stood up for myself and asked for space from the relationship. When I broke that space and wanted to talk, he promptly broke up with me, but not before trying to make sure he procured my massage chair to stay at his house for a while first. That was a lot of nerve and I got it back when I felt I needed it again. Mine had lost control of me and then tried to hang on and play games. Very cruel to do and very stupid to even think to put up with, but I didn’t for long and he knows the game is up and doesn’t care about my friendship, let alone the relationship. Now running around at 58 years old with some 26 year-old who thinks he has money – just two years older than his own daughter. Yuck. Good riddance. They know when you were done putting up with their lies and manipulations and they slink off to find another source of supply.
Thank you! I just found your blog and kinda want to go through and say thank you for every post you’ve written that I’ve read so far, but I’ll limit myself! Thank you for being a newly found voice of reason. I will be visiting often until your words of wisdom become my mantras too!
Ramona, I salute you for your lovely, authentic response to Wasted Love.
Wasted Love. First of all I have been following your posts and I take my hat off to you for coming a very long way in such a short time. We are each of us on our individual journey but the destination is still the same – the absolute freedom that comes from loving and respecting ourselves and making appropriate choices that lead us to healthy, functional relationships which add value to our lives.
My take on your situation is that the reason this (words fail me to find a polite word to describe the male of the species in question) so, I will settle for assclown, the reason this assclown has hooked onto you and treats you so disgustingly is that he KNOWS on some level that you think so badly of yourself ,that it doesnt matter how horribly he treats you, you think you deserve it, because you are believe you are just not good enough to be given love, consideration and respect. Never, ever put yourself down honey, if there is an ugly person in this relationship it is HIM – we have a saying where I come from, it is “handsome is as handsome does”. I suggest you forget about analysing his behaviour and work out why such an obviously loving person as you are feels so bad about themselves they end up with an ugly person like him. Another saying, this one is from the Greek philsopher Plato “Know Thyself” – from that point comes your healing and the ability to kick assclowns like this one to the kerb – forever.
Hugs to you.
Lucy1: Thank you for your words of sisterhood & care xxxxx There are reasons, that I don’t feel I can say on here, why I’ve put up with him for so long and become so distraught each time I try to end it.
@Genevieve
How lame. Sending an email directed to another woman to you. Its amazing how small the minds of men like these are. And not to mention a year of NC he reappears! I’m only going on my 9th month of NC from my narcissist ex ass clown and although he’s made a couple of attempts to reconnect by calling me I’ve never gotten an email and I’m almost certain that its because I made sure his emails were blocked the day after I went NC. So if he has attempted to send me one I certainly will never know. Now he’s blocked from my cell so that I can reassure myself that I want be receiving any more out of the blue phone calls over the holidays or any other day.
@LittleNickle
I think we all think at some point think that we will email/text to tell him that we will not be seeing him again or not contacting him again and all blah.. blah… but my feeling is that if we are doing that we are doing the wishy-washy thing – we are not really behind the decision (and he will recognise that, because when you are not speaking to someone any more you do not call them up to tell them! If you really mean it, you are already doing it!)
Contacting them to ‘fill them in on the situation’ is missing the point of the NC – it is for OUR benefit – it has nothing to do with him – nothing about you has anything to do with him any more and if you are behind your decision that is the way you will see it.
As an aside to the point – it occurs to me that going NC (without the debriefing!) really gives us the measure of them and of the relationship. In a ‘normal’ relationship if your boyfriend hadn’t heard from you and was not hearing back from you when he *phoned* he would be pretty worried something bad had happened and he’d be round at your door pretty quickly to check you were alive and well! These guys don’t do that cos they know they are shits and know full well you have a thousand and one good reasons not to be speaking to them and ignoring their calls (or pathetic emails and texts more like!!)
Take care. You are doing the right thing!
Yes Fearless, when I broke up with my ex, I foolishly saw him a few months later to pick up my belongings. He said “I’m sorry I was a crap boyfriend, I was always going to be crap.”
He then went on to treat me even worse than before – talk about suck it and see, and getting my hand burnt!
They know; they know very well why you have disappeared. They’re surprised it hasn’t happened before. In many cases I’m sure they are actually relieved. They do not desire our explanations.
At this point, I am sure that a few of us are thinking their situation is different because their ex isn’t leaving them alone. They need to examine the continued communication – is it genuine remorse, contrition and a desire to change, or is he just keeping you in his life on pretty much the same terms as before? Or worse terms (worse for you that is)?
Yes Grace – they already know. And they are thankful (!!) that you are not explaining anything to them – they do not want to hear it; I actually believe (and have for a long time) that they must cringe for us when we try to “explain” to them what is wrong with the relationship because I think we only ever know the tip of the iceberg, and they know that we do, and they know all of it! So I actually now cringe too, for myself, when I think of the ‘early days’ and the long emails I would send him trying to “explain” his behaviour to him! (eeeeeek!!). No wonder he did not reply and ran a mile from any form of “discussion”! Men who cannot and will not ‘discuss’ have something to hide!
Yes, they are very thankful when we do not try to explain (or discuss) and I am thankful that I stopped explaining! I now see very clearly that the person due an explanation was me, not him. But he can shuv it!
Yep, they know they’re crap. They’re probably holding out for some fantasy of perfection but know it’s not there. It’s the thing that we want what we want, no one every said it had to be possible!
Anyway. After one failed attempt of telling it how it is I gave up. Partly through reading what Nat had written over the months but also my growing self knowledge that whilst I can’t control what someone else thinks of me I had NO intention in placing myself in the position of just another in a long line of complaining harpies. So I shut down communication.
Felt much better about letting it go.
I am thankful for my gutfeeling today. I went NC about a month ago and yes I did tell him I needed to travel down my own path and get on with my life and over him. He wasn’t happy at the time about it but you get that. I was undecided on whether to unfriend him on facebook but seeings he only had 4 friends and wasn’t very active on fbk I kept him on there but tweaked my privacy settings so he was really restricted as to what he could see on my profile. Then at the weekend he changed his relationship status to “in a relationship but it’s complicated.” LOL of course it is Mr EU, nothing would ever be simple would it? Anyway I took him off my friends and got an email telling me that I’m empty headed in my choice of friends. Nice. Actually I think I’m smart headed in my choice of friends and his email actually confirms it. Just a grown man having a little boy tantie because it’s not all about him anymore. Piss off, love the NC
I just love reading these comments about the AC/EUM’s i never knew such men existed until i started to read Nats blogs and now i am completely hooked on logging in!
These comments are so insightful and i can feel everyone’s pain here. These men ought o come with a health warning tattood on their foreheads!!
It’s been a few months since the breakup and though I fell off the contact wagon once (though I let him the breakup was for the best and I needed something of mine.) I am grateful I am finally out of that painful situation with someone I was not even sure I liked, but who I was convinced I loved. I am grateful he has not tried to contact me, that his narcissistic ego is too fragile for that, that he’s running around with someone 20 years younger than me, and that it’s not me and I am safe away from that pathetic energy. I am grateful for the time I have had to open my eyes more to really see what I am so much better off without, though some days I falter and miss him terribly. I am grateful for being able to stop abusing substances over upset over him. I am grateful my life is filling up with nicer people and fun things to do when I thought I would feel left out and alone in life. I am grateful the Narcissist alcoholic addict is GONE finally.
I am grateful that in Scotlnad right now we are snowed in and my work building has closed for the whole week! (hence lots of free time for BR!!). I am grateful when I look out the window there is the most astonishingly beautiful wintry picture postcard scene. I am grateful for the wee fat friendlyrobin red-breast who bobbed about my back door yesterday in the snow taking breadcrumbs from me and came bobbing into the kitchen and bobbed back out again (I have christened him Bobbin!). I hope I see him again.
As I plodded through the snow from the shops earlier in my wellies (a picture of loveliness!!). I was grateful to see two small happy, giggling girls being pulled along in their sledges…and I felt happy and hopeful. Another man was passing and smiling at the sight of the children being pulled along and I did something I never ususally do, I smiled back at him and said ‘you not getting your sledge out today, then?!’and he laughed and smiled and said a few words back about how he would if he thought his back could stand it… I said he was an ‘old fearty’ and we laughed and went our ways.
I see a change in me… I am grateful to feel I could be leaving the void of EU never-never-misery Land and I find myself smiling more at lots of things and at people; I feel hopeful. But I count on nothing; I have tried so many times to get out of EU land and failed every time. But this time… this time… how will I know when I’ve cracked it? Have I cracked it?
I’m thankful that my friend found this site and told me about it. I’ve learned a lot from this site that has helped me. I thought that being someone who didn’t trust men at all would protect me from assclowns, but I learned on here that having self-fulfilling prophecies to keep my guard up (men aren’t shit, men can’t be trusted, men will only know a little bit about me, let me keep my wall up as high as possible, etc.) is just as bad as being a doormat and letting my guard all the way down (which is my total polar opposite when it comes to men). I sometimes worry that if I get into another relationship, I’ll fuck it up somehow. At the same time, I hope that I remember everything I’ve learned here so that I can continue moving forward on this journey called Life, which, despite being bumpy at times, can be rewarding in many ways.
I’ve revisited this page to say THANK YOU to the man I went on a first date with on Monday, for taking a non-urgent call from a mate on his mobile within 5 minutes of meeting me, as we sat down to a restaurant lunch, and instead of letting the answer machine take it, or telling the mate he’d call him back after lunch, sat and chatted away as though I was not there: he even said “There’s a few things I wanted to ask you about…” and then talking about them while ignoring me.
Thank you Phil for showing me that’s the way you think a first date should go… there won’t be a second.
Wasted,
Good!
I had something similar happen a few years back.
A man who had invited me to share a drink-was on a train-answered his phones a couple of times (non business, short calls). I told him that he seemed very busy and I thought it was best that I should leave him to his business. He apologized and put the phones away, but I left the table. He didn’t value my time, so why should I value his!
Thanks for the thumbs up Alli!
I feel like a novice at setting out my boundaries!
Good point – he didn’t value your time! Good way of putting it, and congrats on doing the right thing, the dignified thing, and laying out your boundaries.
Wish I’d thought of that with my date on Monday. With hindsight, although there was no bus to get me back into town (country pub), I COULD have gathered my belongings and left the table, and gone and sat on my own at another table right across the other side of the pub, or picked any single man and started chatting to him. (In fact I could have asked the barman about bus times!) I think if I’d done that, my date would have realised I am a woman who has boundaries.
This is the best website I have ever been on. I was actually going to see a therapist before stumbling on this site. I feel like almost every article was written just for me! Unbelievable.
I keep on revisiting this thread, because it is so full of wisdom. It had never occurred to me before to BE THANKFUL when a guy stood me up or showed me a Red Flag. Natalie has literally revolutionised the way I feel when a man disappoints me.
Example: when a man I met online stood me up, I was gutted, as we’d chatted so many times online and on the phone, I just could not understand it, felt very hurt and rejected. Then I remembered this blog, and was THANKFUL that he’d shown me what he was before actually meeting me. Just think how much worse it would have been if I’d slept with him, or invested even more of my emotions into him by having a string of dates before finding out what kind of person he was. So I silently thanked him for standing me up. Before reading Natalie’s words, it would never have occurred to me to thank a man for that!
yes me too. I was chatting to a seemingly nice fella online, by email 3 he was telling me off for some petty misunderstanding that can easily happen within digital communication. As I deteted him (without bothering to reply to his ticking off) I was thanking him (to myself) for showing me what an impatient, egotistical, assclown twat he was. I was glad he revealed himself to me in email 3 rather than on date 3, or week 3, or worse still, month 3.
I mean who wants to waste any time with ACs. I’m so thankful I can filter out the red-flags now and have the self-esteem to turn my back and clip-clop away without blaming myself for any of it.
And I’m thankful to everyone on here for sharing their souls with all of us. My learning curve has been quicker thanks to all of you .
Happy festivities to all of you, and I love Nat’s description of us not ”having a private internal drama” going on while those around us celebrate Christmas, those days are over for me.
Thank you for this website.
Thankyou for this post. My ex dumped me out of the blue, by text. We were together almost a year. When I asked him for answers he told me to f**k off. I went into NC straight away. Its been 6 and a half months and he hasn’t contacted me even once. This post has really helped.
Fedup, my ex dumped me (the first time) in a phone call. When I started sobbing as it was so unexpected, a woman’s voice came on the line and she said “Look bitch YOU stay away from my man!” He had dumped me on speaker phone lol with this women his next victim linede up ha ha ha. I never even knew he was seeing anyone else! Now that should have been warning ENOUGH but I went back time and time again to this idiot and I ask myself why did I see that how someone closes the relationship is also about how they respect you. If they don’t they treat you badly at the end. Maybe when idiots just vanish hurtful as it is, it does show us how little respect we really have and there should be no second chances. Just my thoughts there.
Josie I’m sorry to hear what happened to you. How horrible! If I was the other lady, I would’ve left aswell lol! There’s no way I would have stayed with the assclown. At least his someone else’s problem now
I’m certain that my ex cheated on me. He had the opportunity and personality too. Why else would someone be so cruel? I don’t have the proof though, as he turned our mutual friends against me. There’s no way in hell I’d give him a second chance. I seriously hope that he gets a std, from his cheating.
Fedup the really funny thing was that the lady who listened to my crying on the phone, was then blackmailed by my ex EUM witha series of naughty pictures she let him take and of course he was seeing me in the meantime . Oh yes Karma it’s a funny thing! She then gave up her job to work for him and when it all turned sour funnily enough she lost her job! Yes I am deeply thankful that I did not leave my own life for this man although he out me under much pressure to do so. His current partner leaves the house at 2am in the snow on Christmas eve, armed police on the doorstep…you see….I didn’t live with him or work with him and that really was a blessing in disguise.
His partner has to flee the home in the middle of a winter’s night with armed police at the door – that’s just dreadful… oh Josie, you had a very lucky escape! Who would want to live like that…thank goodness you are away from him!
Yeah giving up work to work for/ with a partner is a BAD idea! I’m glad karma got her aswell. I don’t know if karma got my ex though. The problem is I’ll probably never know. I feel really cynical
Hi Josie and Fedup,
Ahhh….Karma. I want revenge and feel like I am in that grief stage where I wish all kinds of bad on him. He moved on so quickly and is now in a committed relationship with another. He claimed “fera of commitment after we lived together for 8 months. I am super cynical too. Just want my brain OFF of this.
Ramona
Ramona,
the best revenge is not karma but living your life well and getting on with your own gorgeous life. Look at all the things you used to do before you had your ex in your life taking up all your time, do that stuff. All those friends thay maybe you put on hold..now is your chance to catch up. I started new hobbies and returned to old ones. Soon I found my feet didn’t touch the ground.
I am thankful for you Natalie and for the words you write, and more. You and everyone here are honestly the ONLY people who understand.
Thank you so much! (muah!)
Ramona I can relate to how you feel, I’m still feeling quite cynical too.
Fedup and Ramona,
the only revenge I ever got was dropping round to my ex EU man’s house and sticking his toothbrush under the rim of the toilet and weeing on it then putting it back into the toilet holder..does that count?
Surprisingly that act of passive aggression did not add to my self esteem and made me feel much worse that I had stooped so low.
He had a tummy bug for a week! I think living your life well is the only form of positive self esteem building revenge!