In business, particularly in IT, many create products that are good enough to put out there and then evolve them. They start off with simple and possibly even quick designs, launch and then evolve. That is ‘good enough’.
You only have to remember the ads for Daz, Ariel and other laundry powders from the 80s to see the whole ‘good enough’ in action. They all washed clothing back then. They’ve evolved and wash better
Unless you have deemed yourself impossible to evolve, you’re good enough right now. You’ll grow over the years because life is an education but you’ll just do an already good enough you, better.
One of the things I recognised about my old obsession with being good enough is this:
We do not arrive into this world as fully functioning. We have to grow, learn and evolve. We did not need to have full functionality from the outset otherwise we’d all have been screwed. Who do you know that has come out of the womb fully functioning with no need to evolve? We also don’t even need full functionality at 18 because it’s like when we become adults, many of us have to eff up quite a bit and then raise ourselves into adulthood.
We’re always learning and evolving or at least those of us who want to learn and evolve are.
I worried about being good enough for as long as I can remember. I can specifically remember thinking about it when I was 5. But I was good enough when I arrived – it just took me another 23 years to realise this. It’s not like I did anything spectacular and thought, “Well Nat, I think you can graduate out of ‘mediocrity’. You are now officially good enough.”
Being ‘good enough’ isn’t a destination – it’s a choice to accept you as you are and a willingness to accept that your experiences in life serve to teach you lessons about what does and doesn’t work for you and where you can continue to evolve and grow from your already good enough position. Life is not saying “You’re crap! Learn these lessons and you’ll be good enough.”
You can put two people beside each other, one with a difficult childhood, painful relationship/life experiences, and the other with a happy childhood and painful relationship/life experiences. Each of these people may not think they’re good enough, or the one with the difficult childhood does and the one without doesn’t. You could add a third person in with a happy childhood and what looks like a great life with no particularly terrible experiences and they still might not think they’re ‘good enough’ – we all have our own perspectives and we take our experiences and draw conclusions about ourselves.
As children, we can take perceptions of experiences, things that were said to us (or not said), and things that were done (or not done) and draw long-standing conclusions about ourselves deciding from an early age that something is ‘wrong’ with us, that we’ve caused something or ‘made’ others be or do something. We think it’s because of us why a parent isn’t around, or a parent is angry or upset, or our parents got divorced, or think someone is getting more favourable treatment, or that bullies homed in on us because they knew that there was something wrong with us, or that bad things happened because we weren’t worthy – none of these things happen due to our quality as a person, as a child even.
As the mother of a five year old, it saddens me to think that at the same age, I was already having a rather wobbly relationship with myself, absorbing tensions (and worrying about what I may have done to cause it when they were in fact adult tensions), ruminating in a pine bunkbed and even at times worried about showing that I was upset or bothered about something as if I needed to be ‘strong’ at five, when actually, what I needed to do was just be…five. Now with an adult perspective, I’m like Good enough for what? To never experience tension? To never experience my parents rightfully not being together? For my parents to be ‘perfect’ or better than what they were?
One day I realised that I had a right to be a child (when I was a child) and that aside from just not being that powerful that I could ‘make’ grownups be and do stuff, any ‘inadequacies’ they had didn’t mean that i was inadequate. I mean I know I’m their child and I ‘come from’ them, but in the naivety of being a child where it’s natural to make everything about you, I’ve made their stuff about me. I then carried on with this thinking into adulthood adding men and every other injustice into the mix, until my life and my health hit rock bottom.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – not everything is about you. What others do or say (or fail to do or say) does not correlate to some ‘failure’,’flaw’ or ‘inadequacy’ in you. Let them own their own, and you own yours.
Someone being unwilling to address issues that affect their ability to healthily relate in a relationship means that you can judge the situation as a no-go. Is it sad? Yes, but it’s their issues, which become yours when you make it about you and then try to make them change so that you feel ‘better’ about continuing with them, while often drowning yourself in the process.
Know someone who you think could and ‘should’ try more but doesn’t? They’ve accepted themselves at their comfort level and are eeking out results in that zone – it’s their version of happy. Your version of happy and someone else’s are two different things which is why it’s good to hang with likeminded folk.
Some people (and this may include you) recognise an issue and instead of thinking “I could really enrich my life and my experiences if I addressed this because it isn’t working for me in the wider sense”, they don’t want to evolve for whatever reason. That’s their prerogative and responsibility. None of us are under contract to take ourselves to the max. Circumstances may force them to evolve at a later stage, but right now, it’s good enough for them. Many people evolve when sh*t hits the fan – it’s human nature to chug along where it seems comfortable. Danger, drama and diminishing results are prompts to ‘evolve’ when things get too uncomfortable.
Being good enough is just about accepting you in your own skin. Now. Within you is already a great you – it’s not about trying to create a new person from scratch. Why give yourself a hard time about what you’re not, when you could be valuing who you are and continuing to evolve?
I should also point out – making some poor choices and having some shady relationships does not make you ‘not good enough’. Your experiences don’t have to define you and there comes a point when you’ve got to let it go and stop holding it like some See! I’m Not A Good Person Trophy.
When you bust your tail in an effort to be good enough with a Perfect Life Track Record, it gives the impression that you’re en route to somewhere – you’re already there. If you keep thinking you’re en route, you end up seeking perfection because the ‘destination’ doesn’t exist just like perfection doesn’t. You keep thinking if I do this or that I’ll be good enough, and then doing that and feeling like you need to do more. Or you feel good and then think “Ah frick. I had a bad relationship in 2007, a one night stand in 2011, and a mother with the criticism version of Tourettes” and feel ashamed and back to being not good enough.
You can grow and you can evolve but you’re already growing from a good enough place. When you realise this, you can focus on getting the most out of your journey called life instead of thinking that you can’t start you’re journey until you’ve reached destination good enough. Accept you as you are and on that journey, you will evolve and will be enriched by all sorts of experiences.
Your thoughts?
The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship is now available from my bookshop along with with Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Both books are essentially about being better than selling yourself short in unhealthy relationships.
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Fantastic post! We are all learning and evolving. Lather, rinse, repeat. xxoo
Wow, spooky – I was working through this very topic with my therapist this morning, Natalie, and she was saying pretty much the same thing about accepting and embracing how I am, here and now, as being Just Fine. This post is perfect for helping me to develop a new healthy habit of always, always believing this truth, instead of reverting to the old script that I read out for the first 52 years of my life which said I didn’t measure up to anybody else, everyone was better than me by default, and that only when I’d achieved this or done that sometime in the future would I be “good enough”. It’s really, really hard to break the habit of a lifetime, but I do believe I’m getting there.
Nat I want to thank you for your website being the only one I look forward to reading on a daily. As a reasonably secure, loving man who is not a commitment-phobe I find that while you predominately post from a woman’s perspective more often than not I find relationships where the roles are reversed, I.e. I get involved with emotionally unavailable women. The ideas that you put forth transcend gender. I’m here to say from experience that there are many many Ms.Unavailables and Fallback Guys out out there. I am the latter and have dealt with the former in most, if not all of my “serious” relationships.
OC,
One that get involved with an EUW is an EUM. Like attracts like!
oc, yes indeed, there are emotionally-unavailable women a-plenty out there. At various times in my life, I’ve been one of them.
It took me a while to realize why I’d been getting into so many fantasy-based (non) relationships in recent years — it’s because I was stuck in “I’m not good enough” thinking, and choosing to life in a pseudo-safe fantasy land. That made me highly unavailable, emotionally speaking.
The beauty of Nat’s thinking and writing is that it touches on universal themes, and is applicable to men and women, and all sorts of relationships. Good stuff.
tea cozy
I identify. When the excrush/whatever and I were getting to know each other my mind span off into fantasy. No, I wasn’t envisaging a happy ending, more a disaster movie – I’m gonna screw it up, I have a dodgy background, my family is a mess, I’m happy being single – things can only get worse. I had him on a pedestal, which is laughable now I’ve taken off the blinkers and got to know him better as an actual person.
Even though the fantasizing is unsatisfactory we continue in it because it buffers us from doing anything. No-one can assess a situation, make decisions and take action based on obsession and imagination. It doesn’t matter how wonderful or vivid it is. IT’S NOT REAL.
In my mind I built up obstacles as to why I wasn’t good enough. I expected him to react badly but he has been unfazed. And I pride myself on being good at reading people! You can’t see what is in front of you if you’re torturing/comforting yourself with anxiety and fantasy. It serves no purpose. I’m not suggesting we be ignorant and not think at all, but deal with what you know, and limit the time. The time we spend thinking about them shouldn’t be more than the time we spend with them.
Try this on for size if you’re stuck at home waiting for a text, stalking him on the internet, building sandcastles in the sky or tormenting yourself on how he’s better than us (yes, that’s what we’re doing when we imaging him floating off into the sunset with the perfect girlfriend) – YOU DON’T KNOW HIM.
Now, find someone you CAN know because you see him with your eyes, hear him with your ears and touch him with your hands. As for taste and smell – II’ll draw a veil over that!
Kind of reminds me of something Dr. Oz said – basically that he doesn’t believe in “soul mates,” but does believe in personal evolution and accepting the changes/evolution in your partner as you both become the best people you can be.
You are really quite the perceptive one, in my opinion. I also wanted to mention one of your articles that no longer permits comments (I’m kind of catching up as I go): “Who Is The Designated Expert On You? Er, Yeah…It Had BETTER Be You.”
Socrates said, “Know thyself.” You did him one better. 🙂
Lawrence
Natalie,
After nearly a decade of yearning and longing to be good enough for that EUM, I finally did a sensible thing and reached out for the first time from my pit of not-good-enough-ness seeking help, looking for rationality (as I had enough of it left to know I didn’t have any of it left!). And I found you. And you’ve taught me many a badly needed lesson but none more cleanly rid me of that longing than my understanding of this one:
I am already good enough.
(Praise be to God!)
Thanks for this post, Nat – one for a re-read, I say! This has been part of my relationship narrative, the old ‘come back when I am perfect’ or ‘how do I deserve such a lovely guy when I have done so many selfish, foolish and even cowardly and cruel things in my life’.
Never mind that I am, as you say, never going to be perfect (same bulls*it tape from my five year old self being bullied at home, mostly by my father who would say to me: “You ask for this [poor treatment].”) or that, I have also been and done many thoughtful, conscientious, loving things to many different people, including day-to-day strangers.
Anyway, it’s a completely unhelpful and unealthy way of thinking of things, as a quota/set of scales or uphill quest to paradise atop.
Best just to see yourself as you put it, as it is, essentially good and anything else is a bonus! I now see life more like the Tour de France, ups and downs, easier and harder stages, mostly very lovely views, many uncontrollabe and unexpected events like some careless crowd-member coming to take a photo and toppling you from your bike, being more or less prepared and alert, following the right pack at the right time, going out on your own for a bit, watching your breathing and equanimity, finding the slipstream etc, and like the Tour de France, it’s all a bit of a mystery, and secondary, who wins, and what success really meant for all those particpants.
the criticism version of tourettes…..dying of laughter here.
Thanks – I will read and reread this one. Sometimes I read one of your posts, Natalie, and I think, yep, that makes total sense and I’m just reading to keep up with the conversation, other times it’s hmm, something about this post is still saying something I don’t quite feel in my bones. This is a hmm post for me.
I’ve been chanting “… and I love and accept myself” since I learned EFT 15 years ago (… anyone else done all that tapping on your upper lip?), but for most of my years it’s been just a phrase with no real meaning to me. I keep moving in and out of acceptance. It feels like a shallow acceptance, one that could dry up anytime. I’d like to fall into a bottomless acceptance, that could swallow me whole, one I can swim around in …
Some introspective (actually, proprioceptive, to be exact) experiences recently have helped me realize how tuned out my body is most of the time. I’ve been trying to “tune-in” my body to its surroundings and I notice that when I do, these waves of revulsion flood through me, and if I stay still through those, the next thing is an immense sense of presence – so present that I actually notice what a defensive feeling it is, to be visible – I feel like a small animal who senses a predator.
I think for me there’s a bodily dimension to my lack of self “acceptance”, something like PTSD. I never consciously decided not to feel my own body, or to not feel ‘with’ my body, but these moments of tuning in suggest I have been pushing away my own ‘being in touch.’
Maybe I’m finally going to deal with the terrors blocking how it must feel to “belong.” Yay, right? I mean, I struggle so much with feeling accepted in groups and accepting others; it has to come down at some level to me having not yet fully accepted myself.
Magnolia: Not sure whether I’m competent enough to comment on this… But to me it sounds as if your’re beating yourself up for not being able to love yourself. That’s a bit crazy! Which doesn’t mean I havn’t done the same thing…
We seem to be experts in finding reasons why we aren’t “good enough”. If we can’t find anything else, we believe we aren’t good enough for the simple reason that we believe we aren’t good enough. As if “not accepting ourselves” was a flaw in itself. Do I make sense? It’s a little difficult for me because (obviously) I am not a native speaker.
I think – as you say – it all boils down to suppressed anger and grief from our childhood. We’re avoiding those feelings by beating ourselves up. We need to work through all those feelings step by step. Afterwards, accepting ourselves might come more naturally to us because we aren’t avoiding anymore.
Magnolia, I’m in agreement with Ellyb, especially echoing all of her first paragraph.
I’m NOT an expert on any of this, all I know about EFT is what you’ve written and I just googled it, but that is literally giving self-acceptance lip service, which I feel I’ve been doing metaphorically for years.
I was driven to comment because only yesterday, I was convincing myself that this, the series of epiphanies I have through BR, is different to past announcements I’ve made that I accept myself. But I believe it, and I think you should believe it too.
What you are looking for with your body being in tune, isn’t that something like nirvana? An unearthly state that probably isn’t compatible with an earthly life? I’ve experienced that only in the jungle. Perhaps I’m exaggerating and forgive me if I’ve got this all wrong, otherwise I think this proves Natalie’s overall point that instead of putting yourself down for not achieving perfection, you are more than good enough and knowing this will help you as you strive.
EllyB and HappyB – Thanks for your thoughts on this! I’m not sure if I am saying something I don’t realize or just didn’t express myself as I intended. I didn’t mean to say that there is some perfect state I’m aiming for, but that I’ve been doing the “feel my feelings” thing in a way that feels deeper and that there is a lot of fear there, fear that I don’t think I’ve been able to sit in and allow it to be.
Unless it’s normal to start crying or have quick shallow breathing, etc after a few minutes of relaxation, I figured that I’d hit a pocket of old “stuff” that yes, I did think might lessen eventually if I can be conscious of it and allow it to be there at the same time.
By being in tune I kind of meant being able to just listen. Have you ever been so tense that when someone talked to you, you couldn’t really hear it, or you hear the words but don’t absorb them? I hate on my father for being like that constantly, but I have those tendencies, too. Just basically living life from a tuned-out place. And so I felt that I’d made the link between feeling scared at a deep level, which I hadn’t realized, and the tuned-out state, which I thought might be the same thing as numbing oneself to the fear, but unfortunately ends up numbing you to other things going on in the world – like other people’s love, and their needs.
In any case, when you, EllyB – who I think often don’t give yourself enough credit, and with whom I relate so much! – say I need to be kinder to myself, that’s when I know I have to sit up and listen!
Magnolia, I did totally misread that and identify with what you mean by tuning out. It happens to me when my mind is spinning about something, like I’m swallowed up by some problem. But have never connected it with the body. Sorry about misunderstanding 🙂
Oh this is so so true! I didn’t believe I was good enough until a few years ago and man, did I have issues when I thought that way? I am so much happier with myself now and people tell me they see that on my face. I still have things to work on, but I know I’m starting from a good place.
Speaking of something different – I wanted to thank everyone here but most of all NML as I it is 1 month since the rejection from the EUM/AC and I couldn’t be prouder of myself. I have been fully NC for 3+ weeks (haven’t heard from him; I’m sure he doesn’t think I’m ‘good enough’ for him. Doesnt worry me anymore).
I know one month is barely anything, but a month ago,I didnt even imagine that I’d have this clarity of mind. And I have BR and you all to thank.
I want to thank each one of you for opening yor hearts and putting your words down here; for being kind and patiently reading and suggesting ways to deal with myself and my thoughts. Natalie, thank you for everything – you can’t imagine how much you contribute to our lives.
Much more to do, need to work on redefining certain values, need to work on tightening boundaries. But I’m happy with me and I’m happy that I am contributing to a happier me!
Hallo Nat – I DM’d you last night on Twitter. This post came at the perfect time. I was worried that I was the common denominator with these dates who have subsequently disappeared, but this post gave me a wake-up call. I am more than good enough, and the real common denominator is that these clowns have the backbones of a jellyfish when it comes to letting me down in a respectful way. I can take rejection, but I deserve to be let down with respect, rather than dumb texts or emails. Taking a break from the dating site though now. Not doing my anxiety issues any favours by indulging these prats.
Wonderful, on point and timely post. You hit it dead on!! I’ve not commented before on your many excellent post but I had to say YES to this one. As God would have it for the last few days the same message in different formats and through different vehicles has surrounded me. It’s time to shake free from the “not good enough syndrome” that I’ve carefully nurtured for many years….LOL….Thank you Sis for speaking the truth….the truth will set you free when you let it!!
Me and my ex haven’t been together for the last 3 months…. But we were together for 6 years. What hurts is I have tried for years in this relationship holding onto what he was like in the beginning hoping that if he got back to that place we woul be okay. Now I feel like he we never really that person. Was he ever thaT person I met in the beginning? Did he ever really love me? Do I feel this way because of not feeling like I’m good enough?
WOW, WOW, WOW, OUTSTANDING Nat…incredibly enlightening article and WONDERFUL reminder that we exist because, at any given moment,……WE’RE JUST GOOD ENOUGH!!! Smiling ear to ear, thank you 🙂
this is my first time commenting here, but i thought i would share. im 20 years old and my best friend of 8 years and i began dating a few months ago, and it all fell apart. I would say he was EU but i think that would be giving him too much credit. after 8 years of no red lights and basically a great friendship, my friend broke all of his promises and walked all over me, only to hit reset, come back into my life, apologise and tell me how much he still needed me as a friend – and yet continue treating me in this new way that i’m not used to. its breaking my heart. how am i supposed to let go of my best friend? i know this has nothing to do with me, i know that i am good enough… but i still feel shattered.. i dont know how to let go of the idea that things will never be the same, that the trust is gone… and how am i supposed to trust again when i had no signs that this was coming? i feel scared to let someone in again one day. and i am so sad that i will have to remove him from my life because he is doing more harm than good.
Natalie,
sad as it is, he has to go. He’s not your friend any more. it’s quite hard to go from friends to boyf/girlf then back to friends again. Sounds like he’s having trouble growing up. Let him go and practise (badly) on someone else! You are worth too much to hang around for more of his nonsense. You know what to do. Good for you. Be sad, but be strong and do it anyway. Don’t worry – this too will pass – there are better friends and better boyfriends out there for you. You deserve better – you know it (and btw so does he, which will be part of his problem with you now). Take care of yourself.
natalie-
i’m NOT suggesting you go on a quest to get the answer to this and i’m not trying to make excuses for him, and i ASSURE you, the answer has nothing to do with you, but … something changed that made him change – his home/family life – being a boyfriend instead of a friend that brought out all his latent AC tendencies – being scared by his feelings for you and having to act like a douche to protect himself… something happened within him that had nothing to do with you – none of us can make someone act like an asshole, people act like assholes for reasons entirely unto themselves.
i’m simply suggesting that there are explanations for his behavior – its just that you don’t know what they are. and really, it doesn’t matter – he has disqualified himself from being in your life. and such a waste, you’ve been friends since you were 12.
look – i’m so sorry you lost your best friend. grieve that, just let yourself feel it. you’ll trust again – not him, of course – but once you get past this hurt, and you heal, and you feel happy again, which you WILL, you’ll trust someone who proves himself to you. but don’t rush it – that’s the key. you need time to get over this.
yes, you need to boot him. so boot him (HIS loss, not yours!!!) and deal with the mess, the aftermath, the grief, so you can start to heal. but take your time.
big hugs.
thanks for the kind words guys. xxx
I want to quote smthg
It is how children victims feel
The feelings of badness can be generated in many ways
1_ a primary care_giver is frequently absent or unavailable for nourishment. The child experiences this lack as abandonment, and decides he/she is unworthy of love his self_talk (if they could love me they would not leave me and if they do not love me, then I am unlovable)
2_ a child experiences enough deprivation and abuse to feel rage at his/her parents. But then comes the guilt. The emotional logic says( I should love my parents so if I hate them then I am bad)
3_following a divorce, the child loses contact with the noncustodial parent. The emotional logic.( I drove him away,he left us because he hates me, I am bad)
4_ a child is the victim of sexual abuse. The ltkonal logic.(i do secret bad things that i should never talk abt, ____ wants me to do those bad things, I must be bad)
5_a child is the victim of extreme or.capricious pinishments. The emotional logic ( I must be very wrong for them to hurt me like this)
6_ a child.is criticized severly for.a broad.range of behaviourd or aspects of appearance ( dad always says I am too fat I must be ugly…
7_ a child is forced to support a highly depressed or narcissistic parent. Anything that the child.does to meet his/ her needs or to function independently triggers an extreme rejection. The child learns my needs are bad, my feelings r selfish
rana
Thanks for the memories :o(
Seriously, though, these things need to be dealt with, and not via crappy relationships. Even though it’s horrible, it’s very familiar and there’s a perverse comfort in knowing that our texts, emails, waiting, drama, obsession, feigned indifference is going to get us exactly what we expect. Disappointment.
Taketime out. to get to know yourself and your worth. It’s completely worth it.
It’s not about being being bigheaded or blind to your flaws. It’s knowing you are precious, unique, special.
Loved it 🙂
I must admit I find the “I’m good enough” thing confusing. I’m supposed to be good enough right now as I am…well that must also apply to the ass-clown I was with for two years? Is he good enough right now as he is? I guess what I’m trying to say is I really find this one hard to believe and internalize….He wasn’t good enough…he’s abusive and a liar. Wouldn’t a person like this be fooling themselves if they thought they were good enough?
I’m not sure if I’m making sense or not…but this has always been hard for me to get my head around. I don’t feel like I’m good enough and I have real hard evidence that I’m not…I can see and identify my faults and the ugly aspects to myself. I can’t imagine being good enough for anyone right now….
alexine-
the “good enough” concept as natalie means it (natalie, correct me if i get it wrong) is for each of us to apply to *ourselves* – in other words, we should love ourselves as we are now even while we acknowledge that we are works in progress. and we do not have to seek approval or validation from the objects of our romantic interest that we are inherently likeable, lovable and desirable. we don’t put our worth in someone else’s hands. and those romantic interests do not have the right to lie, abuse, cheat on, belittle, or mistreat us. because we love ourselves and dammit, we are good enough to deserve, expect, require appropriate treatment. its up to each of us to love ourselves and believe that we are good enough for a wonderful, warm, loving, respectful partner.
so, you decide for yourself that you are good enough. what that assclown decides about himself is up to him.
this should not be confused with the other aspect of it, deciding whether or not someone is “good enough” for us – we should try to see relationships in terms of pure FIT – do we enjoy each other, do our values and goals match, do we treat each other with care and respect?
but, as you mean it, is an assclown/abuser/cheater/liar “good enough” for us?? HELL no! and if he thinks he is – he’s wrong!
alexine
Nat’s not aiming this post at those people. Those people aren’t here. Sometimes they pop in to be obnoxious and superior, then they pop off again.
I’m not sure they do think they’re good enough. If they did, they wouldn’t feel the need to self-medicate with drugs, women, whatever. They’d have the confidence to listen to others without putting anyone down. The wouldn’t get a kick out of mistreating those close to them. . They keep their word because they value it. They don’t lie.
The nicest thing the man I’m dating (!) has said to me is “I’ve never known you say you will do something and not do it”. Worth more than thousands of you’re so hot, sexy, blah blah blah.
Men who really think they are good enough wear it lightly. They’re not bragging about it, they’re not trying to seduce you against your better judgement, they are just decent people.
***** dating ***** !!! !!!
^
-___-
i hope you have fun, grace.
Okay so my text smiley face is a total fail, but you get the picture. I’m smiling big for you over here.
Alexine, You are good enough right now, believe it! Your self esteem has been eroded by this relationship with this ass-clown. He might be fooling himself that he thought he was such a great catch but he ain’t fooling YOU anymore. The truth is ass-clowns are not deep thinkers in how their behaviour affects others. They will carry on for as long as we will let them. I think you are being very hard on yourself and where did this “real hard evidence” about these faults and ugly aspects come from?? My guess is from the ass-clown and his behaviour towards you. Be kind to yourself, keep reading Natalie’s posts and all the feedback from everyone and you will be able to move forward and realise that you are definately good enough.
This topic called to mind this song, a poignant message:
“Once is enough, I won’t make the same mistake twice”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWZXcn04PFE&feature=related
I seem to be spending a lot of time in “not good enough land” this summer. Logically, I understand that I am more than good enough. I fought hard to be the only person in my family ever to get an education, I am fit, more capable and independent than most men, and am not bogged down by drug and alcohol issues as are many that live here. I have tried to make it a priority in my dating life not to cause hurt, even if I have to let someone go. However, when one gets about zero positive feedback in daily life, it does erode the old self esteem. That and seeing the AC get to live and love happily ever after while you feel rejected and abandoned does make you question yourself.
Get your booty back over here in “Good Enough Land” where you belong, Miskwa!!!!! You have so much to be proud of. As someone who grew up in a family riddled with addiction and all its attendant miseries, I can tell you that you’ve done yourself and your loved ones an enormous favor by staying away from that stuff.
I’m sorry you feel rejected by your AC, but do remember that his judgment means very little about who YOU are; we can’t go around basing our self-perceptions on the opinions of jerks! Moreover, focus on the larger picture – he is out of your life, thank goodness!! 🙂
Oh miskwa – you truly are MORE than good enough. You have worked so hard to do things differently, achieve a good education, good health and independence. That is spectacular.
But dont let some idiotic AC who has no concept of decency, honesty and integrity make you feel any different about all your hard work and achievements – that would be so unfair to all the efforts you have put in and all your hardwork (not to mention the heartbreak..).
You wont feel rejected and abandoned for too long and remember, you have YOU! And you have proved to yourself that you can achieve pretty much anything 🙂
Sending you big warm hugs from Australia!
I just realized after reading this post that I keep wanting him to keep coming back so I know I am good enough and worthy. I keep hoping he will come back to me eventually in the capacity he was so I can feel good again or whole again.
THE FUNNY PART WAS I DIDN’T FEEL THAT WAY WHEN HE WAS IN THE PICTURE ONLY ON GOOD DAYS WHEN HE WAS IN BUTTER UP MODE!
I am living my life now in the UNFAMILIAR UNCOMFORTABLE and I obviously realized today, triggered by this post, that I am subconsciously wanting the
FAMILIAR UNCOMFORTABLE instead.
I look at life as a journey to becoming good enough one day, rather than evolving from already good enough to better.
Therefore because I don’t view myself as good enough, I believe he needs to come begging back. That way, I can say ok yeah I am good enough now. Even though that is false self esteem because it needs to come fromwithin me. Not from him or any man. However, I have always received my self esteem from men and that is why easy come, easy go has been my theme in life for my self esteem.
Someone being unwilling to address issues that affect their ability to healthily relate in a relationship means that you can judge the situation as a no go.
This above statement is an issue for me. I have female friends along with him that have this problem. I don’t get it because I always want to address issues and try and fix them or die trying. I always think that if these people cared enough about me they would try and fix things, so we could have a better friendship or relationship. However the above statement makes sense in the matter that they are happy not addressing their issues. It it allows them to continue being emotionally lazy and I guess that works for them. I just have to accept that now. I sort of have but it lingers a bit still.
I know all this on a logical level but to put it in to practice, therefore I can start learning I amgood enough now as I am, is another story.
MH – I totally hear you. I just admitted this to myself and wrote it in another post. I do indeed recognize that I am actually less hurt and less sad on the days I get the strength to accept reality and not talk to “him” or let him invade my boundaries. And yet I wake up the next morning wanting him to come back and wanting him to want me like he promised me he did and would always do.
I too always want to address issues, talk about them and grow and learn. But the more my feelings get shut down and rejected the more I try – and to the point that I believe I gave him an excuse (in his mind) not to be with me. I basically became a pain in the arse because I was always left with such confusion and turmoil that I would then try and sort it all out. Yes, he would come in like a tornado, stir up every single emotion, tell me lies and give me excuses and then use my reaction as an out for him. I too am in the unfamiliar uncomfortable and realized I don’t know how to settle in with the calm and quiet.
I am all talk and no action. I see it for what it is, but just don’t act in my best interest. Good luck girl.
Lilian
The first place to start is No Contact. This will give you the space and clarity you need to regain the emotional armory to save yourself. At your stage it sounds impossible, too hard, too severe a reaction. It’s not too severe. It is exactly what is needed. You don’t even need to do anything – the whole point is not to do anything else in connection with him. Take the first step and block all his means of entry – phone/email/facebk etc. Take back control of what happens to you next. Don’t talk to him, don’t explain anything (it’s waste of your time and it depletes the energy you need for *you*). Just nuke him. Read all Nat’s stuff on NC; do it – sit back – focus only on you for a change – feel the pain, let the pain happen and don’t worry about it; it’ll pass – most importantly trust the process. It works.
Hello
I am asking for ur advice
I had two dates
I liked him on the first one more then the first
He told me that he goes out with girls n then he leaves them without comitting caz he does not trust them they ask for divorce so quickly, he was divorced previously n he has a child whom her mother does not allow him to see her, he divorced 9 years ago. Is this a red flag? Is he commitment resistant?
rana
he told you doesn’t trust women. run like your hair was on fire. he’s given you a warning. the divorce isn’t an issue per se and neither is the child. The custody battle is. it may not be his fault but it’s gonna grate. Some men may be able to handle it in such a way that it doesn’t affect their future relationships, others cannot (and who can blame them but, hey, you’re not his social worker).
i have felt the temptation to tell the man I have trust issues then I realised that a) I really don’t unless I start obsessing b) it would frighten him off and c) if it doesn’t frighten him off i have a an excuse to be a flaky, with-holding, inconsistent jerk. Oh I’m so sorry I disappear, ignore you, get temperamental, flirt with other men in front of you, change my mind – I FIND IT HARD TO TRUST. waah waah.
Funny thing this – your date complains about how hurt he is but YOU’RE the one who’ll come off worse if you pursue this.
You may still want to double-check, I get that. Just don’t get physical. Keep your wits about you.
rana
He’s told you that he goes out with girls and then leaves them without committing.
He hasn’t told you this because you’re any different or because he believes that you’re the one to save him, he’s told you this so that you’ve no comeback when he does it to you. He will see this as a fair warning. That’s who he is.
He also makes excuses for himself. Poor him! It’s not HIS fault that he treats people badly, it’s his WIFE’S (even though she hasn’t been around for donkey’s and he’s had plenty of time to sort himself out)
Just my opinion, of course, but I’d say flush. And run. Fast.
Yoghurt
“He also makes excuses for himself. Poor him! It’s not HIS fault that he treats people badly, it’s his WIFE’S (even though she hasn’t been around for donkey’s and he’s had plenty of time to sort himself out)”
Ha! Spot on. It’s like, ‘I’m an arse but it’s not my fault’! This guy sounds like a baby-man barrel load of trouble; is he hoping you are the woman who’ll make him all better, rana? Tell him you’re not Florence Nightingale and to come back when he has recovered sufficiently from his injuries to be able to trust women and commit to one – and, rana, don’t put the kettle on!
Yoghurt
“He hasn’t told you this because you’re any different or because he believes that you’re the one to save him, he’s told you this so that you’ve no comeback when he does it to you.”
Oh yes, it’s a disclaimer, leaves you with not a leg to stand on.
all-
yes, i’m so sick of men saying “well, at least i’m honest” after telling me something unpleasant about who they are that now i practically burst out laughing when i hear it. i gotta come up with a good comeback for that line, its becoming such a cliche.
rana-
yes, everyone is right. this is the classic male offload of responsibility. he is telling you your future. remember, this is who HE is, not a reflection of who you are. you have not failed, in any way.
so be grateful that he told you. and run, RUN the eff away.
FLUSH immediately! He has told you from the get go that he is definately not interested in committment. His red flag is so huge it can be seen from a space telescope just like the Great Wall of China! He has a child that he never sees, one has to ask why? Is he blaming his ex-wife or that he just cant be bothered to make the effort for his own child. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!
Rana,
It is a huge red flag. Move on from this one!!!!!!!!!!!
I GOT A DATE.
I figured I’m good enough for a nice meal and told him to take me out. Yeah, I know it’s not subtle but I got fed up with waiting and wondering.
grace-
aaaaaaaahhhhh!!! good for you!!!!
yes! finally! brava! have fun!!!
woot! 😀
Hahahaha YAY Grace!!!!!! Good for you!!!!!!!
Yeeeehaa! Excellent.
And thank God for that! 🙂
Have a lovely time. And relax. You are sooooo already worth it! He’s the lucky one, Grace – bear that in mind. (err… no disrespect to the crush; am sure he’s worth it too. Can we dump the “ex” in crush now?! Hey, now he’s not a crush or an ex crush, he’s a dinner date – yay.)
Good for you! Have fun Grace!
I tell you; you are just blossoming, and that is so great to ‘see’.
~~~~~~~~~~:)
I’m happy for you, Grace. Have a nice time and keep us posted (if you’re so inclined).
Is THAT how you do it? Well played.
Oh, and I agree that his noticing that you keep your word is a very good comment about his values. Yay!
Grace I sincerely hope it all goes well, but why couldn’t he ask you out of his own accord ? Doesn’t it mean if he is not asking you out he is not interested in dating you ?
Tulipa: Just a guess… but I think between two healthy people it doesn’t matter who asks out whom. I think for each one it’s a big endeavour to ask the other one out. One of them has to do it, though. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the woman or the man.
Only for AC and EUM it’s not a big endeavour, because they ask women out all the time. What does that tell us?
I’m not saying Grace and the guy are necessarily “meant” to be. It’s just… it sounds completely right to me that she has asked him out (and not vice versa).
Two years ago I might have said “the guy has to do it”… but not anymore.
All the best for you, Grace!
tulipa
Good point.
I ignored him for months as he tried to speak to me, and a few times I think he tried to ask me out but I ran off before I could be sure. My turn to take a small risk. I can handle it! i feel good enough. A “no” won’t turn me inside out or have me questioning my value (which it would have before).
Ultimately, I don’t know why not but haven’t most of us been chased down by men who’ve seemed interested and they turned out not to be?. Or only interested in being asshats. The man who asked me out constantly for three week until I gave in ended hurt me so much it was six years before I dared date again.
We have to feel it out for ourselves and trust our judgement. That’s what I like about Nat’s blog. Get your own head and heart in order and the rest follows organically. It’s not about Ten ways to Make Him Interested, 12 Steps to Get your Ex Back, The Rules, Men are This, Women are That as if we were all robots.
And it’s only dinner.
grace-
i’m impressed that you two have been dancing around each other this long and have stuck to it. you’re two porcupines, both finally comfortable enough to take a step closer.
so polish your quills and have a lovely dinner. and report back!!
Hi Grace. I was writing in my journal the other day and I wrote almost word for word what you said,
” Get your own head and heart in order and the rest follows organically.”
This is a good place to be and a peaceful mindset that puts fear in it’s place. Have fun on your date!
I’d argue that, yes, typically the man asks the woman, but in a situation like this, where he hasn’t for whatever reason but a friendship continues with distinctly romantic overtones, the best thing the woman can do is ask him. If he says no, she’ll at least get peace of mind, knowing that she clearly communicated her interest, and it wasn’t a case of confused signals. But if he is interested, he’ll say yes, and then ask *her* for Date #2. 🙂
You go girl. You are certainly worth a nice meal and much more!
Just remember to have fun and as Magnolia has said, relax into it. What fun! Grinning from ear to ear for you.
Oh Grace how exciting!! Hope you have a lovely time!
Atta girl, grace. Subtlety is over-rated sometimes. Moxie gets the job done! Enjoy your dinner out, including a lavish dessert. 🙂
@snowboard, purplelily
You are right and I thank you. It’s not just the AC that makes me feel bad. It’s this community that I cannot afford to leave for a long time. I have done all I can to make this a better place to live but a good part of this region is very conservative, anti intellectual, and trashy. AC was also the one person who I could talk to here about social justice and environmental issues. I lost a friend, a confidant, and a love all at once. There’s no family, and my other colleagues have very different values from me. I operate in almost total social isolation, especially during the school year. It’s a shame because the natural environment around here is spectacular. No man of quality wants to live here, even part time. When I can retire, the last chance saloon may indeed have happened. As long as I work here, AC’s gonna be a part of my life as we are colleagues. I thought he was gonna be fired but alas, no. I want my happily ever after too but that’s not gonna happen. Yep, the ol self esteem does get a wee bit hammered at times. Enough bitching, back to pulling weeds and hauling dirt.
Hey Miskwa –
I’m sorry you’re feeling so isolated; your situation does sound very difficult. If it’s any consolation, I’m glad to hear you’re teaching in the area where you are. I’m sure the anti-intellectualism makes your work harder, but your community is the kind of place that most needs help, and where you can make the largest difference.
Try to keep a positive attitude. You may find that you have in more common with some conservatives than you think, and you may find that even as you disagree on politics, you share other interests and values which can lead to engaging and meaningful relationships.
I’m decidedly liberal but the best relationship I’ve ever had was with a guy I’d describe as a moderate conservative. It was nice – he believed in all those traditional values about paying for the woman on dates, buying her nice gifts, protecting her, etc.
Also, if you do feel really lonely for political discussions, I assure you that you can’t be the only liberal in your town. Keep your eyes peeled. Maybe join a book club, biking club, environmentalist club. Be your own advocate and keep an open mind.
Thank u for ur advice
Hey Natalie, hug your five year old daughter and the five year old within you. And hug the new hubby too just cos. I have the same childhood memories of thinking that there was something I could have done, should have done that would have remedied an adult situation. The shoulda, coulda woulda tapes started early. When you put it in such plain terms, it is obvious that there is nothing a five year-old can do. It wasn’t about us. We were five. It couldn’t have been about us. Your message that my parents’ inadequacies had nothing to do with me has changed my life. I couldn’t get my cheating dad to stop cheating on my mom. And I couldn’t get my mom to kick my dad to the curb. If the next time you are at an airport and see a ton of unclaimed baggage, it’s mine. I’ve off-loaded it. It can just sit there going round and round. Don’t pick it up. I don’t want it.
Now, I’ve got to get through to my daughter (at 22) who still thinks she had something to do with the demise of her father and mother’s marriage. It wasn’t about her. She was 3. I just realized that I feel like I’m that 5 year-old trying to get my 22 year old daughter to off-load my baggage…dear lord…will this never end? When will the airport collect my baggage and never return to sender?
runnergirl-
imagine that your luggage gradually loses its mass and its impact over time. and that it slowly evaporates into the universe, where your love and compassion and gratitude and wisdom will cause it to be transformed into a purer form of energy and rechanneled into the world as happy light.
did that make you barf? its ok, it kinda made me barf too. but i hope you’ll take the idea. yes, it is demoralizing to feel that we pass down all this crap through the generations. but we don’t have to hold onto it, we don’t have to stay in these identities. you can let it go and find new ways of being. and you can teach your daughter that its possible to let it go and be in a different way. we don’t have to be stuck. we can be free.
honestly. it is absolutely possible. in fact, you’re already doing it, you just don’t know you’re doing it. what you’re saying is nothing more than the next step on the journey you’re already on. (ok, that really made me barf) but really, take it from me: you do not have to be saddled with this stuff. nor does your daughter. nor does the airport.
cc, you’re funny. runner, you might try visualizing an egg of blue light and stepping into it and sitting inside the egg.
more seriously, these bad relationship skills are handed to us, and if you think your daughter has been handed some, that’s okay. she’s a grown woman now and will make her way.
when I think of all the habits I have blamed on my parents, now finally, at almost 40 believing that I am not determined by those, I think the only thing that could have helped me would have been watching my parents learn to face and deal with their own shit.
I am who I am in part because they are who they were; if they had known how/why to do differently, they would have, etc. So I have stopped being mad that they didn’t do differently, for the most part, but what I mostly wished was that they would one day wake up and try to change. I not only needed them to be wiser, I needed to see an example of someone working graciously toward being wiser.
You are giving that to your daughter as you continue to work through your stuff. You don’t have to be all apologetic or guilt-ridden to her. I can imagine it’s hard watching her blame herself, and it will sting if she comes to blame you at all, but you are still in her life and she still needs you.
(For what it’s worth, a friend of mine had an affair with an MM and her daughter was appalled at her mom’s selfishness; my friend got defensive and decided she didn’t have to defend herself to her daughter. That girl was 24 – you could see how much she needed her mom not to be perfect, but to at least be trying to do the right thing.)
You’re doing great.
Thank you Magnolia. It’s been tough seeing how I handed down bad relationship skills to my daughter. She is seeing me face and deal with my own shit, thanks to you all. My daughter could and should be totally pissed off at me. I was a really, really bad example. I so hope my daughter can get to this point: “So I have stopped being mad that they didn’t do differently…” Well, I can’t write anymore cos I can’t see through my tears. Tears are just pouring. I wish I could have been a better parent to my daughter….got to go….
Runner
I don’t know you, but I know enough of you to know you will have been a loving and caring mother – and it’s not over yet; you’re not done.
There’s no such thing as the perfect parent; the most we can do is the best we can with what we’ve got and what we know at any given time. Every caring and well-meaning parent (yes, that’s you and me, runner!) tries not to make the same mistakes their own parents did; and we succeed, most probably, but we make a whole lot of new ones all of our own. Overall, I believe I have been a good mother and I believe you have too. When I hear some of the heart-rending childhood experiences of yourself, EllyB and Grace, to mention a few, and from my knowledge of life beyond BR, I can tell you something with absolute certainty: as a mother, you are now and have always been good enough!
Looking back there’s things as a mother I wish I had perhaps done differently – “better”; but I have done my best (so have you) and I continue to do my best (so do you!); my daughter is still here and so am I (thank you God!), so is yours and so are you – that’s our blessing; and we must make the most of it.
My daughter (nearly 23 yrs old now) has been working in London for a few months (about 400 miles away from home). I had a wee going away party for her. (Bearing in mind I was/am an unmarried mother – the first of those in my large Catholic family – so I was inadvertently a bit of a shocker at the time! Ooops. Ha!) One of my wise aunts (of 75 years old) told me that night of the party that I had done a wonderful job with my daughter; that she was a wonderful girl. I told her I had simply tried my best. She said simply, ‘No, “Fearless”, you didn’t try your best, you did it’.
It’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me; it made me feel quite emotional and so grateful to her that she had noticed my tenacity and my successes under challenging circumstances. Point is, that we don’t always notice how well we have done or are doing; we see our ‘mistakes’, we see our ‘shortfalls’, but, runner, other (sensible) people don’t! They see your successes. I see your successes. You’ve done a wonderful job under all manner of trying circumstances. And you ain’t done yet! Dry your eyes, count your blessings and know that you are and will continue to do a very good job; and thank your god that you and your child are still here to allow that to happen. ((Hugs)).
No-one is the perfect mother (what would that even look like?! Ugh. I don’t even like the idea of a perfect mother; there’s something not human about it). All we need to be is *good enough*. You’re already good enough. Right now. And you can only get better. It’s true.
Oh thank you so much Fearless for your uplifting and kind words. Of course you are right, I wasn’t the perfect mother, whatever that may be. Most importantly, our daughters are still here and we aren’t done! That made me smile. I think I’m internalizing the “I’m good enough” message with regards to men but I see I need to expand that message to other areas in my life. The minute you pointed out that I was dwelling on my shortcomings, I started focusing on my successes. That turned things around. She did NOT experience the childhood I did or what the others did. Great point. It is going to get better and we aren’t done. Your aunt’s words stuck with me. Give her a hug for me.
Good luck with your daughter. 400 miles is a long way away.
And thank you so much. Natalie’s writing goes far beyond relationships with males. “I’m good enough” in every area. Hugs to you and your daughter. Mine is almost 23 too.
Cheers, runner. Love to you and yours. It’s not over till the fat lady sings! We’ve done good, and not because of the men in our lives, but despite them. That’s no small feat! Despite them all, we’re still good enough! Hah.
cc, lol. It actually didn’t make me barf. I figure I’ll just let it go round and round until the airline confiscates it and sends the contents to the Salvation Army where it will be recycled into something, maybe a beer bottle.
Thank you for the reminder that I am doing it and modeling self-respect for my daughter. I think the universe sent her back home for a reason. We weren’t done! She is good enough, even though I may have unconsciously transmitted the opposite message years ago. Shoot. Wish I had Natalie and all of you 20 years ago. Thank you.
I’m not only beating myself up for my flaws, but also for being an overachiever. I guess that was mainly narcissistic momster’s fault. She always told me what a vain piece of sh…t I was when I brought home straight A’s from high school. I did that all the time, bringing home straight A’s… and now I realise how I’m making that sound like a crime!!! I feel ASHAMED for having been an “A” student.
My teachers didn’t help either. I was always told what a great conservative Christian school that was… but I start doubting it. They loved torturing my schoolmates for not knowing the answers to their questions. I usually knew the answers… but whenever my finger went up and I was eager to answer, they scolded me for being a vain, selfish attention seeker.
I still feel guilty about all those moments. I still feel guilty when I’m good at something.
My schoolmates, in turn, bullied be because I knew more than they did. My teachers didn’t protect me from my bullies. I thought “this is so unfair!!!” but then I scolded myself for thinking that.
I could have tried to bully others to “cope”, but I’m unable to do such a thing. Instead I started bullying myself. I still do that. It’s pathetic. Now I’m beating myself up for THAT. How crazy. IT WASN’T MY FAULT!!
ellyb-
i’m sorry you had to go through that. if it makes you feel better, you’re not at all alone.
what you’re describing sounds like typical Catholic cultural behavior – maybe your christian school wasn’t Catholic, but it may as well have been. and that’s exactly what my italian catholic narcissistic father did to me – i was either whale shit, or, when i excelled, deemed too big for my britches and didn’t i think i was sooo smart. they totally have you going and coming. essentially, the message is: “there is nothing you can do right. so just give up now.” and that’s what a lot of us did. i know i did.
but now? uh uh. no more. screw that!
and you’re right, its them, not you. you’re not crazy, it wasn’t your fault. moreover, it is not what you deserved. not. at. all.
why the heck are humans so screwed up… alas.
cc: Thanks! Yeah, there is definitely such a thing as “group evil”. And it even exists in rather large groups. I think such a school is only bearable when you have healthy parents. They can get you out of there if necessary, or if it’s not possible, at least they can help you by being compassionate. Of course my parents did neither.
EllyB: wow, what a sh*t sandwich. And cc, too. I know my dad resented my good marks and liked to tear me down but at least he knew enough to praise my high performance (or at least nod when my mother did). But to be consistently made to feel bad for doing well; what a sh*t sandwich!
I guess you’re going to just have to practice feeling proud, feeling accomplished, feeling stable, feeling able to provide for yourself, etc. I do think those things take practice, especially after the things you’ve been through.
I went to go look at the town I’ll be living in for my new job: time to feel proud, right? Time to get excited? I had many waves of this-is-going-to-suck, look-at-this-shitty-town-is-this-the-only-place-that-will-hire-you-Magnolia … I have an incredible talent for making a sow’s ear out of a silk purse!! I calmed myself down and picked out individual points of my visit to consciously enjoy, and told myself how wonderful it was that I made this happen. It doesn’t all come naturally, yet!!
If you never got credit for any of the good things you’ve done, time to start giving yourself some. From my perspective, EllyB, your posts have sounded like you’ve moved from trying to get yourself/others to believe and understand what happened to you to getting angry. You could be angry for a couple years, but it’s better than validation seeking. You’ve validated yourself and now you’re pissed.
Elly, your mother sounds like mine. When I’d get good grades, she’d just sneer at me and say, “Boys don’t like smart girls. No man is ever going to marry you.” Yet, when my grades were not as good as she thought they should be — she’d STILL yell at me and insult me. Apparently no one wants a dumb, lazy daughter, wife or friend either. At least not according to her.
I couldn’t win, no matter what I did. I hurt so much about this when I was young. What was I doing wrong? WHY couldn’t I ever do anything right?
I have since realized that she couldn’t be pleased…by anyone. It’s like the post about expecting an invalidator to validate you. They can’t, or won’t. They don’t want to be honest, kind, reasonable, or fair — they want to put other people down so that they can feel like the better person.
I couldn’t understand this because I am not that kind of person. I would praise a child who works hard and does well in school. I’d do all I can to help and encourage a child who is struggling. I think you would too. How we think is not how our mothers think. I used to think that my mother hated me. Now, I think that she really doesn’t think of me at all, unless she wants me to do something for her…she is simply incapable of thinking about anything but herself.
Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences! I think it’s very helpful to look at those things from an adult perspective… finally.
I also remember all those visits to my narcissistic grandparents (together with my parents). I was always the only child there, and they scolded me ENDLESSLY. I wasn’t allowed to talk without being asked, I wasn’t allowed to stare into empty space, I wasn’t allowed to pay any attention to their “adult conversations”, but I was expected to say “sorry” and “thank you” all the time at all the “right” points.
It was crazy-making. It was hopeless. I absolutely COULDN’T do it right. It was impossible. Not because I was incapable, but because it was IMPOSSIBLE.
At some point, I started reading books whenver I was with them. That way I was quiet and didn’t bother them. But apparently that was the WORST crime I could have commited. They scolded me more for my reading than for anything else. I was selfish, I was a coward, I was hopeless and I don’t know what else (or so they said).
I love reading, but I still feel guilty whenver I open a book. It’s sick.
All this wasn’t “good traditional education”, as I was told. It was emotional abuse of a child. Pure and simple.
Am probably too late to the BR party, can hear the cicadas and late night frogs, but wanted to say two things:
1) Cheers to Grace (and pop my party popper) for her date!;
and 2) with you Ellyb and others re. achievement and family responses. My grandmother said to me only the other week at a sibling’s graduation: ‘now this day isn’t about you’, as if my mere presence was a hi-jack (never mind my intentions and efforts of support).
Then my father said to me the other day, after reading something that took me many months to write (and involved many levels of thinking and application): ‘yes, you’re very good at summarising a lot of information. You’re not as naturally gifted as my other kids [I want to point out that he’s referring to my full-and-only-blood siblings here], but you do work hard’.
It’s a similar picture: pressure, pressure, pressure, criticism, criticism, criticism, but then this resentment or minimisation when I do achieve something or, heaven forbid, am really proud of myself. Also, there’s a real bummer factor that I am accomplished but also female. Anyway, most of me, as an adult, realises that this is all impetus for me to really be sure I am putting energy into work I love and can understand according to my authentic self (or something close to that!), but it’s a real bugger, the old achieve-but-don’t-achieve trick. It muddies the path, to say the least.
I think this is all a bit more at the surface than I’d like because it’s my birthday soon, and somehow my father is making my suggestion of a small family celebration (actually at the request of my mother!) about me guilt-tripping him and being greedy and selfish. It’s weird, having to placate and say the right things in order to make him feel good about my birthday.
Elle
Don’t give them the power to ruffle your feathers. When I got my O level results my father said “Is that all?” In that moment I gave up everything and mucked up my A levels, and went on to spend much of my adult life seeking male approval.
My father was and is EU. While I can give him the respect due to a father I take what he says and does with shovelfuls of salt. You do the same.
The Apostle Paul said, “Fathers do not provoke your children to anger lest they be discouraged.”
Centuries ago summed it up in in one pithy sentence. There’s no mystery as to why we feel the way we do. There isn’t anything wrong with us. Enjoy yourself and your gifts.
Let them be who they are – disappointed, bitter, with-holding. They aren’t happy.
For what it’s worth my father is softening in his old age. Don’t hold your breath but – it can happen,
My father was like this too, mainly with his sons. I recognised from a very young age that to stay on his right side, it was good to do well while at the same time not making him feel inadequate. One of my brothers still bemoans a time when he was studying for his university exams in our front room and my dad came in (drunk of course) and kicked his papers over the room shouting things like ‘who the eff do you think you are?’ My dad had minimal education and couldn’t handle the fact that maybe his children were (or were going to be) smart, educated and successful especially his sons (his daughters, being female, were not a threat to him) It meant his son(s) would not be ale to look up to him, admire him, he wouldn’t be able to talk down to them and they’d know what a an arse he was (they knew that already! ha.) So, on the one hand he wanted to be able to be proud of his sons/children but on the other he didn’t want them to ‘rise above themselves’ – to get any ideas that they were better than him!
My mum is the opposite: proud and encouraging of her children’s achievements, but she was not a damaged person who needed to be top dog at everyone else’s expense.
My dad could also be very encouraging etc. (when he didn’t feel threatened and wasn’t drunk!); he too mellowed with age. He learned some humility and he wanted forgiveness for being a total twat. All but one of his four sons pretty much made peace with him (the one who didn’t is an assclown!) but they suffered the effects of my father’s struggle with his own demons. Grace is right, Elle: There’s no mystery as to why we feel the way we do. There isn’t anything wrong with us. sorry your birthday has to be about this crap. Have a good one anyway!
Thanks ladies, I am in a stronger place with all this, in no small part due to this site and Nat’s and your words setting new frameworks in my mind. As I become more more confident in myself and more gently generally, and as the old dad mellows and changes (and, to be fair, he has done both these), I tend to either expect and react less or take far less time to get over it when something slips through.
I really liked what both of you wrote, and appreciate it, you putting it so plainly for me. It is simple, there is no mystery. The birthday emotions made me less quick on slapping it down, so thanks for your help there. I really didn’t want to get into the doom ditch about it, which I could see ahead of me, you know, the endless ‘why did this happen?’.
I am off on a holiday to celebrate, my own treat to myself, then the boyfriend is coming to meet me. I am looking forward to it!
Hey Elle, just reading your post assures me you have much to be thankful for (or pleased about?)!
Have great hols and a great birthday! Wishing you many happy returns of the day!
It’s easy to SEE the trappings of thinking your not good enough..
I mean from the time were little the dolls were PERFECT, the wowen in magazines and on T.V are seemingly much more PERFECT.. and then to top of off – so many people LIKE to point out why your not, and then NOT getting much in the area of love and support from the people that by all rights SHOULD have done that naturally.
For some it’s a longer and harder road to thinking your enough of anything.. sometimes you never even had a chance to get to YOU in the first place from working so hard to give what everyone is saying they wanted you to be for them.
It can take quite a few steps sometimes I think.. More than you had initially realized.
I was just thinking, never underestimate the ego stroke we give to completely undeserving ACs when we go through life believing we´re not good enough.
Some days ago I tumbled on the cruel EUM´s new profile picture on my facebook newsfeed (I haven`t blocked him but I always avoid looking at his page) – Lord did he look full of himself!! He was dressed smartly, sipping a drink in a place that looked like a hotel lobby, an intense expression in his eyes. Really, who does he think he is? He behaved like a complete emotionally disabled egomaniac with me, he shouldn´t be so proud of himself.
My son´s comment when he peeked over my shoulder was “oh wow, he looks cooool”. And there were a bunch of “I like´s” under this photo. Luckily one of the EUM´s facebook friends wrote “boy how you´ve changed – no wonder you don´t say hello anymore”.
And now I regret having inflated his ego for so long. I´m very ashamed of myself. Thanks BR for stomping some sense into my head, at least I got out of that harem at last.
“why the heck are humans so screwed up… alas.”
Oh, I know! I’ve been thinking about this very thing. Animals have a basic, instinctual desire to care for their young and in some cases their partners (like penguins)… it’s so uncomplicated! Why and how have humans deviated so much, to not only NOT caring for each other but inflicting so much deliberate hurt?
So sorry to hear what you went through runnergirl and EllyB and cc, and best of luck to you. All three of you have posted some great comments that have helped me quite a bit here lately, so thank you! And Nat, I think you’ve saved my life… I really can’t thank you enough!
I’ve had a few false starts on getting over this ‘not good enough’ thing, but I had a bit of an epiphany during a therapy session and it developed during my night out last night. During my childhood I was pressured academically by my dad, I went from being ‘top of the class’ in primary school to ‘achieving’ later on but I was made to feel like I wasn’t good enough while there were still people better than me. I was angelic in terms of my behaviour but shouted at for the tiniest things. Through this I developed a ‘negative filter’, where nothing good goes in or comes out. I assume everyone thinks the worst of me and although I like who I am I never felt any content, always that I was striving for something. I also felt like self-assurance was somehow a negative trait.
This morning after a long chat and a good cry and realised I’ve been so consumed by negativity, especially since a bad break-up that I’ve completely neglected my appreciation for people around me who don’t make me feel bad. I told them how much I appreciate them and I feel so good for it.
I’ve realised that perfection doesn’t exist and I’m not the only one without ‘complications’. Also I’ve managed to finally understand that being happy in yourself isn’t something that anyone is going to judge you negatively on. I’ve been wanting to change this for a while but always thought it needed to be a drawn out process, rather than a case of just changing my mind. I was scared of people noticing the difference.
@Snowboard
You’re right, Dr. Helen Caldicott, an anti-nuclear activist, once said that enviros need to go out into the broken places and do their work rather than staying in a like minded comfort zone. I am doing that and trying to get a new sustainability program going. I have had conservative friends that treated me with great respect and also had to flush a local after a 5 year friendship who told me I had “no right to belive in global warming”; really? I also didn’t have the right to hate mining. Flush. It all comes down to respect. There are no such clubs here, the closest would be in Boulder, 100 miles away. My older single friends have told me to just give up for good as they have. Some of them are now very bitter and hate men; I don’t wanna go there. I realize at some point that we women will wind up alone; we live longer, take better care of ourselves, and are more resilient. I didn’t expect this to happen at 52.
I know I am good enough! Yes! Thank God and ME.
I believe, and I know that I was created by my God, my Creator, and I am truly divine, merely because He made me that way. “I really get it.” I know that there isn’t anything inherently wrong with me; I am NOT defective; I am an imperfect human with issues, just like everyone else–issues that I choose to deal with …grow…improve, but whatever happens, I am good enough right here, right now, so I am not waiting to reach some point of achievement to accept ME, to love me, or to live as ME; I am choosing to live and love NOW.
Before I corrected some very strong limiting beliefs and screwed up values , I believed what my environment, culture, society etc. was trying to sell me about what to do and be, etc to be “good enough.” (And oh how these bastards manipulate with SHAME.) So, I spent my entire life in the pursuit of achievements and goals that would make me “good enough.” Every day, every waking moment since I was a little girl…fixated on ‘fixing me.” …needing to be liked, accepted, externally validated, and on and on….
I have identified many of my patterns, and I am taking positive action on my behalf to improve my life, and it is paying off, and God is really blessing me.
Yet, the “feeling of feelings” is really kicking my butt right now. It is amazing to me how different I FEEL to be feeling my feelings as opposed to distracting myself, hiding, indulging in my addictions, etc.: Just sitting with fear and dark, dark anger…the pain I feel in my heart is really rough, and some days I shake my head and wonder if I can even function in the world as an adult because it can really get hard as I try to stay in reality–living in the present.
And of course, right on cue one of my ‘ex’s’ is tapping on my doors…and my windows. But, after journaling in my healing journal, I am starting to calm down, and realize that I just have to confront this pattern of wanting to get high off of a man and his sexual attentions in order to deal with my stress by escaping into a virtual fantasy land.
I like this ‘ex’, but I won’t accept crumbs from him; he is going to have to take it slow with me, and treat me with love, trust, care, and respect, and he has got to bring something to the table, and….
I know that I am still a recovering EUW, who doesn’t want to be a AC. This week has been rough as I face my fears of being in a new higher-level position at work, and so many other changes in my life. Gosh, I’v e really managed to change! But, now the sexual desire addiction is tap, tap, tapping at my door, and I sooooooo want to escape into this man, but I won’t, dang it, or damn it, can’t decide which to say right now.
I almost puked on myself last week when after some guy “chanced his arm” with me by flattering me up and down on both sides…oh the vomit involved in hearing me say, “You just made my day.” It was in my face that I really am addicted to attention, but I am happy that I caught it this time, and I was able to self-correct once again, as opposed to getting high off of this guy–bring in the competitive self-esteem, nope, not this time; I stopped it.
So, as I sit here jumping out of my skin, wanting this man–it’s NC, NC, NC! as I aim to once again self-correct, and confront and whiz by, or crawl on my fingers and drag my legs by, another pattern.
Calming down now, treating myself with compassion NOT retribution, … still moving forward, …committed to change? check–I’m getting the f**k out of Sugarland.
Stay strong, OLS!
Ahhh… Fearless… so needed to hear this as well. My 19 year old is going through some tough times and was crying over his bum deal childhood last week. I raised/am raising two solo and so wish I had known what I know now. (The other boy is 12). I told my oldest, “Yep… I screwed up. I’m sorry. I was limited. But I always loved you the best I could. You gotta mourn the past. We are here now. And I’m present and I’ll help any way I can.” I have to make sure I come from a place of love, too, not guilt. And forgive myself. Your words were beautiful, Fearless.
loj
Glad to have been useful! Thanks. Hey, at least your son has someone to cry to about his bum deal (many, many children do not) – and his own mother no less (!) who is still there, still fighting, still caring, still supporting, doing her best, listening to him, hearing him, acknowledging his problems – not ignoring and denying and minimising.
Often all our youngsters want from us when they feel hard done by or hurt is acknowledgement of their feelings (validation of their feelings, of their right to have those feelings). When a child can get to hear words such as ‘I understand how and why you feel this way / I’m sorry / I hope you can forgive me my shortcomings / please know that I love you very dearly / you have every right to be hurt by that / I didn’t realise you felt that way and I’m going to make that better for you now.’ from its mother, when all of that is possible, she is already good enough.
Wow, this post has resonated with me on so many different levels from motherhood to online dating. I’m NOT advocating online dating by any stretch of a dreamer’s dreams. For the record, I’ve been in total seclusion for the past year, reading everything Natalie has written on this blog and all her books, focusing on me and my life, and healing from too many break ups to recount as well as unloading childhood baggage. Thank you so much Natalie and the BR community. I recently felt ready to venture out with some self-esteem, self-respect, and boundaries. Wow! What an amazing difference. In the past month, I have experienced absolutely everything I’ve read on BR. I want to share my most recent experience as it related to being “good enough” and being ‘young enough”. A 41 year-old absolute to die for doll kept pursing me. He blew as hot as any volcano in the land. Since I’m 53 and set my settings at 45, I said no. But he was so persistent, I gave in. Opps, still getting a grip on my boundaries. I immediately shifted into how could I make myself look younger than 53? Should I wear purple nail polish? What should I do about these wrinkles around my eyes and my knees? As I was getting ready, I realized I wasn’t accepting myself in my own skin. I was trying to create a 40-something from a 50-something. Nothing make-up could do. There are wrinkles. Then, something very fundamental dawned on me. On Sunday, I agreed to meet with the 41 volcano guy on Tuesday. On Tuesday at 5:30pm and I hadn’t smelled a waft of smoke from the volcano and we were supposed to meet at 7:30 at a location to be determined. Also for the record, he is the only guy I engaged with for more than two or three emails before meeting. It was so funny to see myself trying to create a new person from scratch based on my imagination based on his imagination. There’s no chance I can get rid of the wrinkles around my knees or my eyes. Apparently, the 41 year-old volcano is more comfy on email than he is in person! Maybe he has some wrinkles too? In any event, he’s blocked. It’s so much easier when I have boundaries. I just love the flush/block handle. I do want that purple nail polish however. Cos, it’s me.
Sheesh, runner, what a very ill-mannered man. Keep that flush handle handy! Sounds like he just wants his ego stroked (while you rip yourself to shreds! lol). I know what you mean about trying to be what you imagine he expects/wants. That is my problem (one of them anyway) with relationships/men. I have thought about this often. BR has sure helped me to believe I’m good enough as a person, as a human being. Mentally I sure am more confident less interested in what others think of me. I think I would be flushing too pretty fast now if the circumstance arose. But – and it’s a big but – although I believe I am still fairly attractive at 51 (I was always very pretty – petite in stature and shape; I’m five foot two and uk size 8-10.). I fear that all my old fears of not being attractive *enough* for “a him” would surface very quickly. It’s easier to be single and not worry about getting older, about wrinkles, cellulite, and the rest….
I think what I fear about a relationship is that I’ll worry too much about how I look – not being good enough/young enough. I was always anxious about that in relationships; always trying to make sure I concealed my physical “flaws” – though I laugh now to think that I did that cos I was really nice looking – I had nothing to hide! But being older now, I know how I’d feel about my looks: Anxious. And I don’t want to feel anxious.
When I was heading for 50 yrs old – and still seeing the ex EUM, I recall consciously thinking that if he didn’t commit to me before I hit 50, I would need to cut my losses because hitting 50 would be the water-shed, so to speak (he is three years younger than me). Like, if I wasn’t good enough for him as a great looking forty-something, he sure isn’t going to want me at 50-something. I knew the anxiety of not being great looking anymore would be too much for me to handle on top of the rest of his EU crap (but I don’t even know if he cared about my age – he never mentioned it as a problem). Anyway, I babble; I find it hard to explain this; I just know how I’d feel if I really liked a guy and wanted him to like me back: anxious. And, yes, examining myself in the mirror going “oh f*ck” all the time. I don’t want to worry about it – I don’t want to care about how attractive I am for any man! Am I still EU?? Pft.
Fearless,
It’s been amazing putting into practice what I’ve learned from Natalie and you all. I’m so grateful. It’s been like learning to walk. I stumble but don’t hit the ground now. Fearless, recognizing my “I’m not young enough tapes” was one of those stumbling moments. It was a slight variation on the “I’m not good enough” tape. Caught it right away. No, I don’t think you are still EU for goodness sake but you may be playing an old tape (like the I’m not a good enough mother tape I was playing the other day…really appreciated your comment). Once you feel comfortable and get out there, you will probably see that the 50-something guys have aged too. They have wrinkles, have gained a few lbs, and lost their hair! Your anxiety will diminish. We are the exact same size and I’m betting dimes to donuts, you are extremely attractive physically. But remember, that’s the superficial stuff and very subjective. We know, it’s about shared values, trust, respect, and honesty. Wrinkles, lbs, and hair have nothing to do with it…although I do prefer hair (on their head). A ton of my old FBG ways have resurfaced in this process but rather than being anxious, I’ve been grateful to recognize how I effed up in the past. I learn something about me (thanks to BR) every single time I’ve gone out.
Newsflash Fearless, you don’t have to worry whether you are attractive enough for a man. YOU ARE! And it ain’t over ’till the fat lady sings”, remember?
Oh yeah and when you get comfortable, be sure to pack that flush handle, your BR ears, and BR glasses. I don’t leave home without them. I think it’s better that if they are going to disappear, they do it before the first date. Saves a lot of time.
Thanks runner. I kind of know myself that with the right man I wouldn’t be anxious about whether or not I was good enough in the looks/age department. I think my issue is tied up with the kind of EU man I have been attracted to – the type that there’s no pleasing, no commitment, no matter what you do or what you look like – and always hanging over you is their next disappearing act! Thanks for your support all this while. I appreciate it.
For the record I’m a dark plum coloured nail polish person (!), which I think is now rather passe! (all the young trendies here are wearing pastel shades of blue and green.. mmm…)
runner, I really get a lot out of reading your updates. I had to laugh in recognition about the knee wrinkles and wondering about purple nail polish. I had a similar sitch a few months back when I was approached online by a guy I initially felt was too young, too foxy, too ambiguous in his intentions. Of course, right away my inner Used Car Saleswoman kicked in, and I tried to sell myself on his dubious charms. Usually while standing in front of the mirror, trying to spackle on enough makeup to fill in those lip lines and roll back the clock.
Oh, brother.
I finally realized, Wait a minute, this is 100% EUW behavior — allowing myself to entertain exceptions to my newfound rules, including Rule Number One: If a guy can’t state definitely what he is looking for in a relationship, don’t date him. “I like to just see what happens; let’s just go with the flow” oh helllll no.
Rock that purple polish (I’m a fan of silver, myself), enjoy the dating process, and know that there’s a great guy out there who will love you right where you are in life.
I’m about to throw my hat back into the online dating ring (assuming my pending work gig pans out; fingers crossed), so I’ll probably have some updates to post myself. Till then, I’m learning vicariously through you (and you are doing GREAT).
Thanks Tea Cozy. I’m def not perfect but really enjoying the dating as a discovery process mostly because I learn more about me. I’m going for the purple nail polish. I know just what you mean about that inner “Used Car Saleswoman”. I call it my former FBG ways. Some times its like having the former FBG on one shoulder and the new BR Girl (BRG) on the other shoulder. And I do know that tendency to fudge with my newfound boundaries. That’s why it’s nice to have them written down. When the FBG gets tempted to fudge, it’s written in black and white. Nope, no let’s see what happens and going with the flow. We know precisely what is going to happen and where the flow will lead. Heartbreak hotel.
Fingers crossed for your work gig and dating. I’ve found all of Natalie’s advice on dating (and everything else) to be to be perfectly spot on, particularly her insights into how difficult it is for FBGs. Have you seen her 2009 posts on online dating? They are great. Since I’m a Dreamer, on top of everything else, I move from one or two emails to meeting ASAP. After meeting them, I’ve re-read their emails. Giant gap which I would have filled with my fantasies. Good luck to you. Can hardly wait to read your updates. Remember the ex ACs?
Cc & Elly B, I too was not only never praised for doing well, but also put down for it! I got the ‘too big for my britches’ line, the ‘she thinks she’s better than everybody else’ line & numerous variations on the same theme. The sad thing is that looking back, and noting my academic performance as an adult (which without bragging, has been consistently either been at the very top of the overall grade mark for even the the most difficult subjects – not just for my campus – but for my entire university in that year, or occassionally in second place) I’ve come to realise I seem to be slightly academically ‘gifted’ & always was. I’ve never been tested but it’s astounding that someone from my background can possibly be a straight high distinction student (even in times of serious illness!). Of course these things take some effort but nothing which is really all that taxing (so long as my meds aren’t impacting my memory too much). In the children’s homes I was mocked for thinking I thought myself ‘clever’ & instead told constantly how stupid, dumb & ugly I was. I don’t know if I thought myself clever or not btw although I usually was amoung the first to put my hand up to answer a teacher Q if tht is what they meant, & yes mostly my answers were correct. That, however, is not cleverness. It’s just a matter of being prepared. Nowadays, I deliberately make an effort not to raise my hand too often in order to give other ppl a go. When the teacher can see no-one knows an answer they’ll often ask me as a last resort & then I give correct answer if I know it. That way I get to avoid being a ‘know it all’ who always answers everything ie I wait till everyone else gets it wrong first! lol
Anyway, I just wanted to say I know how this feels. I finished all of my grade 6 curriculum in grade 5. I had a great grade 5 teacher who then arranged for me to whizz through all of grades 6,7 & 8 math & english also so I’d completed all of this from the national curriculum by the conclusion of grade 5.
Grade 6 is where they lost me. I had a new teacher. He was later convicted of sexually abusing one of my classmates. I’d already completed all the curriculum the year before so cooked pizzas all year in the school learn to cook room. That & hung out in the library reading anything & everything I could get my hands on. The library was my sanctuary & books were my escape! I never really survived the transition to high school. I knew I’d be moving into my own flat within only 2 years so I didnt really understand how anything I was learning at school was going to help. I tild the social workers straight up. Why are you teaching me Indonesian when I’m going to need to know how to look for a job so I can pay rent & utility bills within 12 mths? They didn’t have an answer for that! So hmm. Guess school back then wasn’t good enough for ME not the other way around!
A tiny part of me still feels not good enough though as I’m still struggling to complete my degree. Can you believe it. Here I am. My work published in academic books & journals alongside colleagues who all have PhD’s & I still don’t feel good enough. I think it’s a confidence thing. I want not onlymy degree but a PdD also. Why not? If other ppm can do it why can’t I?! After all. I AM good enough right? !
Runner, this guy is a bit fat turd. Flush twice to make sure he doesn’t swirl around the bowl. Coming on hot like a volcano is a red flag. It can feel flattering at first, especially if validation seeking has been your disease of choice (me!). But it’s also feels like being circled by a predator if you look at it through a clear lens. I don’t want to be treated like prey, do you?. He was seeking his own sort of validation, but at the expense of some one else. Unfortunately you got in his cross hairs. No more, no less. It has nothing to do with you really. It’s his dysfunction. You did see the volcano red flag waving and took a chance with it. Seeing the red flags is one lesson, not minimizing them is another. You have so much to offer, doesn’t matter your age. I have wrinkles on my knees too. I put extra moisturizer on them then go out in my mini and wear them proudly. I have a lot to offer too, much more than my knees and crows feet. They are just brush strokes in my overall painting.
What I meant by not minimizing the red flags, is seeing them for what they are as they’re happening and not after shit has gone down, and in hindsight. I’ve learned to spot red flags and am am learning how not to doubt my own judgment. Trial and error, pausing at the signs, but much less disastrous than going the road marked assclownville.
jennynic, yes! It is very different spotting the red flags as they are happening and not minimizing. You are spot on. The hot attention was flattering at first, for a brief moment. It’s odd because I’m 53, I didn’t expect to get responses from the 20-30-40 somethings because over 50 is the last chance saloon, right? Hell yeah, the responses from 20-30 somethings felt like being circled by predators. I quickly learned how to set my settings. Good for you and your moisturizer and your mini. “I have a lot to offer too, much more than my knees and crows feet. They are just brush strokes in my overall painting.” jennynic, that is fabulous. “Just brush strokes in my overall painting” Absolutely perfect visual and attitude. I’ll be wearing my brush strokes proudly. It is a matter of trial and error and pausing and stopping at the signs. Way better than hurling down the dead end road marked assclownville and hoping it isn’t a dead end. I’ve learned through BR that when the sign says “dead end”, it usually is. Volcano guy is flushed. No problem because there was no investment in a fantasy.
oh runner & tea cozy! I do believe I’ve found my kindred spirits! I love silver AND purple nail polish too! Go us older chicks with a little color in our lives! Whoo hoo! lol
Good to hear from you teachable. Let’s race to the store tomorrow to get the purple and silver nail polish. We are good enough even without the nail polish. But it sure makes life fun. Hope you are doing better.
As I was blatantly checked out by a young ‘un in an electronics store recently, in stark contrast to the rush I would have gotten a year ago, it was just … awkward. Lol!!
Ohhhh Runnergirl… that post to fearless was ACE!! You are a POWERHOUSE!!! :))))
Thanks Runnergirl. I think I still have some silver here somewhere maybe even some purple too! When my health picks up I might just put some on damn it! I rarely wear it as I keep my nails very short (for my instrument even though my illness makes that almost impossible to play atm) but I might one day soon. I’ve stopped bothering with makeup too. Oh dear. I have let myself go a bit but on the other had, I enjoy being the wrong side of 40 & not feeling the need to be ‘all dolled up’ for everyday occassions…. (unlike in my teens when makeup was a mask to literally hide my pain)…
I think I’ve gained a new (painful, but important) insight today, about being “good enough” even if everybody else seems to think otherwise…
For more than a decade, I’ve been hanging out with a bunch of guys. First there was guy A. Always known to be very nerdy, very smart, very ambitious, very focused on money, and very successful in his career. Married to a (seemingly nice) woman with wealthy parents, two kids. A bit arrogant, a bit snobbish, a bit awkward at times. I somehow liked him anyway. Apparently he didn’t understand why I didn’t pursue a career similar to his. He always thought I was very bright.
Then there were guys B and C. Both former schoolmates of A, and the three used to be something like friends, although B and C often made fun of A and even bullied him (I think A got bullied a lot at school).
At some point, A spent some time abroad, and in the meantime his then-girlfriend startet flirting with B and C. They both gladly played along, and I’m sure she hat sex with C. Maybe with B too.
Of course, A found out. He and the girlfriend broke up. After a while A recovered and started dating his future wife. He stayed away from B and C, who talked even more sh*t about A than before.
At that time, I was in my early twenties and friends with B and C. I desperately reassured myself there was nothing wrong with their behavior.
There were more people like B and C in our crowd. Egomaniacs, huge sense of entitlement, women-haters and so on. For some reasons, nobody talked sh*t about those guys, but only about A, saying A was such a selfish a*hole and yada yada yada. And I tried to believe them.
I saw many similarities between me and A. We both got bullied, we were both very bright, we were both not interested in bullying others. But I desperately tried “not to be like A”. Instead, I sucked up to B, C and the others. I continued doing this until very recently.
While he pursued his career and married a woman well suited for him, I tried to please those other guys. I’ve never gotten romantically/sexually involved with any of them, but seperately, every one of us stumbled from one toxic relationship into the next.
And the sad truth is…
a) A wasn’t the a*hole in this story.
b) I’ve wasted a whole lot of time trying “not to be like A”.
*Sigh*.