It is hard to exchange limiting, unproductive, unhealthy and even dangerous habits that tick your short-term boxes for the unfamiliar. It’s not that you may not recognise that there’d be some clear benefits to making change, it’s just that the distance between your current state and where you need or desire to be, plus the effort involved with getting and remaining there, seems ‘too hard’. Many BR readers feel like this.
We doubt our abilities or we procrastinate. We try to do it in small doses for a short period of time, which may even give a little shift, but ultimately not enough. Sometimes off the back of these small doses of effort, we expect a result that greatly exceeds the reality of what we’re doing because in our mind, a little feels like a lot and we may even rationalise that we’ve been through ‘so much’ and have made the hard decision, that the least that life could do is give us a sign like making us feel better immediately or making it easy.
So instead, what we actually try to do is keep striving for what we say we want/need and trying to hold onto habits which are a combination of thinking and actions. We expect something to ‘give’…just not us.
I realised this the other day that if you take an average weekday, I try to get a two and four year old ready, fed, get myself ready, sneakily check emails and approve overnight comments, school run, work, dribs and drabs of chores, more work, errands, school run, reading with the four year old, cook dinner (unless the boyf is doing it – I like calling him ‘masterchef’), bath the kids (if I haven’t run over schedule which means I’ll have to do it in the morning), eat dinner, try to chill, probably catch up on some work in the evening, try to be chilling by 9/10pm with a view to being asleep by 11. Yesterday I squeezed in a chiropractor appointment, trying on some wedding dresses, and a sneaky visit to Anthropologie.
For the past few months since my eldest started school, even though I’ve lost a chunk of my week as a result so am even more time strapped than ever, plus the two year old going to childcare 3 days, so being busy with her on 2 of the days, somehow, I was still trying to get up at 6.45 and pressing snooze till 7.20 and expecting to go to bed early. The reality is that I’m harangued in the mornings and I work till 11 and sometimes struggle to settle until nearer to 1. Did I mention I also love having 8 hours sleep?
This is quite frankly ridiculous! What am I? On crack? I know I’m not Wonderwoman. It is impossible for me to achieve what I want without ‘budging’. Since last week, the alarm is now set for 6.25 and I tend to be up by 6.45 – the difference is already great although for the first few days, I moaned about being tired and grumpy. There are a number of other habits to be knocked on the head but the message became clear to me:
Just like when I wanted to hold onto my old thoughts and my old ways and get the relationship I felt I was entitled to, even though I had low self-esteem and some rather unhealthy love habits plus I was never with people who were actually healthy relationship material, change does not come without…change.
I said I wanted a relationship and that I was sick of being with guys who were hot out the gate pursuing me, only to back off and pull a whole bait and switch. I’d then start talking to guys, going on dates, talking the big talk. My desire for a relationship might have changed and even my need for one, but do you know what I was also doing when I was saying all of this stuff and dating? Seeing the guy with the girlfriend or pining for him. Or seeing whatever guy felt like giving me a pseudo relationship while privately thinking “I’m not good enough” and not believing I could hold down a relationship anyway.
Change doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen and actually, if we even start small and keep at it day after day after day and build up, we start to see the fruits of the cumulative effort plus new habits just become habit.
What I can’t promise you is instant results, instant gratification and a shortcut, which is what a lot of people want.
I hear from people who make changes or make a decision that puts their sense of self front and centre. How do they feel? Resentful and almost begrudging of having to do a decent thing for themselves. It’s like “Look! I’ve made a decision/opted out of an unhealthy relationship that has more holes in it than a pair of fishnet stockings! So where is my reward? Why don’t I feel great? I’ve been robbed! I could have been crying and complaining with them instead of being on my own!”
This is when you have to say to yourself “Am I for frickin’ real?”
I was with a man who had a girlfriend for 18 months, and hit rock bottom emotionally, physically, spiritually – it took me a year to recover and the truth is, it would have taken a shorter period of time if 1) I hadn’t spent 5 months seeing another Mr Unavailable, 2) I hadn’t spent 3 months doing No Contact but hoping he’d be provoked into blazing in on his white horse, climbing up a trellis and whisking me off into a fantasy. That said, 5 of those months were profoundly productive in my life, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It’s amazing how thinking you might be dead in ten years and have a shite quality of life in the meantime, can spur you…
Change doesn’t come without change.
If you’ve had habits for years or even all your life, it’s just unrealistic to think you can pay lip service to change for a few days, weeks, or months and shazam, you don’t have to put in effort and life is easy peasy.
Change doesn’t come without change and if you think you can have big bad habits and make small changes or none, change just isn’t going to happen or you’re going to get frustrated at the minor results and think “Shag this for a game of soldiers – I’ll just go back to what I know.”
You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn’t work and that you’ll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can’t even do for yourself.
You deserve better – you deserve change.
Your thoughts?
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Wow this one really hit home for me. I recognize I am not great with change. I stayed with the same man for 25 years, even though the last 10 were quite miserable, and I’ve been in the same job for 22 years and I’m only 46. I thought I made a change by divorcing my husband. But now I realize I’m just living in a different place. I still pay all his bills and put up with all his crap because I still feel guilty for leaving him. I didn’t even change anything with the EUM ex-BF. He chose to end contact and even though it needed to happen, I couldn’t do it. And yet I just want to feel better right now without putting in the work to actually change. So now I am realizing how much further I still have to go to truly effect some changes in my life. I have a quote posted on my wall that says “This is your world shape it or someone else will” and I’m trying to keep that in my head whenever I want to just take the easy way out and let someone else’s decisions affect my life. Thank you for this article and for reminding me of what I know but wasn’t seeing. My other favorite quote of the week is by Gloria Steinem and it says “The truth will set you free..but first it will piss you off.” The one I am angry with right now is me. Time to make the change and see it through.
Lianne
I like the GS quote, funny and so true.
I’m reminded of a tv prog on an orchestra who were trying to resurrect a piece of music that hadn’t been played for years. They got a conductor in who turned out to be a drama queen. He was shrieking at the orchestra, throwing his baton about, taking days of sick, the orchestra was making mistakes, everyone was wondering if it was possible. The conductor left (or got booted out) and they found another one.
The orchestra was waiting nervously for him to turn up (so was I). He did not look very impressive – quite small, ordinary. He went up to the podium, looked around, smiled and said “Everything will be all right. We can do this”. And they did.
We should be that conductor. It’s no good handing the baton over to some looney and then complain that they’re screwing it up. Underlying many of our issues as FBGs/OWs is that we don’t think we can determine our lives. We wait for someone to make it better. Not only that, we pick the absolute worse “someones”!
I truly believe we all have it in us to change. It’s not so much changing the core of who you are, it’s about stripping away the gunk. Like restoring a painting, underneath it all, is the real you.
“We wait for someone to make it better. Not only that, we pick the absolute worse “someones”!
I truly believe we all have it in us to change. It’s not so much changing the core of who you are, it’s about stripping away the gunk. Like restoring a painting, underneath it all, is the real you”.
So true, Grace! I really love the painting analogy (especially as I’ve been discovering an appreciation of art recently and treating myself to lovely self-indulgent visits to galleries). In bringing about change in our lives, we don’t have to lose the essence of ourselves – in fact, the positive changes we make can indeed actually restore our true selves that got lost, eclipsed or distorted when we had poor relationship habits.
As always Grace, so spot on. In particular “We should be that conductor. It’s no good handing the baton over to some looney and then complain that they’re screwing it up. Underlying many of our issues as FBGs/OWs is that we don’t think we can determine our lives. We wait for someone to make it better. Not only that, we pick the absolute worse “someones”!
I truly believe we all have it in us to change. It’s not so much changing the core of who you are, it’s about stripping away the gunk. Like restoring a painting, underneath it all, is the real you.”
That’s what this is all about – getting to the authentic self that already resides in you, not having to create someone from scratch.
Love the quotes Liane. I think you’ve experienced what many people do – getting divorced with very good reason, often when it was long overdue, then feeling bad about it and also discovering that if you don’t address the root, not much will change divorce or no divorce. You spent 40% of a marriage that lasted a quarter of a century feeling miserable and every year that passes that is still attached to the guilt you feel, only clocks up more time. Grieve the loss, forgive yourself and keep pushing forward.
Change…some folks can’t handle it. Some folks can’t get through the hard and wait for the benefits of the change. Some folks just don’t want to do the work. OMG I just learned yesterday that my sister, who has been seperated for appox. 3 years, suffered in her marriage, suffered during the seperation (along with her kids), didn’t receive much support financially…all kinds of drama…several court dates that were consistently changed to future dates for myriad reasons…no counseling until recently…real struggles…BUT the divorce date was coming right up and guess what? They have agreed to a 6 month reconciliation…Okay…just when she’s beginning to deal with the issues she opts back into the same familiar dynamics. Has he changed? Doubtful. He also has a girlfriend of a few years duration…oh yes, and he’ll tell her BY PHONE if he decides to return to my sister…oh yes, and it’s for “the kids”…In truth, I feel for the girlfriend the most…she had no clue and probably still doesn’t. Am I disgusted? Yep. However, they have their own lives to live. Am I surprised? NOPE. Did I hope it would turn out differently? YEP. To me it’s a case of out of the stew pot and into the fire. The devil she knows over the unknown and uncomfortable and lack of knowing the future. To me, it would be better for them to both admit that they just want to try again…not to lay it on the kids, not to have false pretenses. But, their relationship has been full of drama since they were teens. Lifetime habits don’t change easily. Now she gets the pleasure of the SOS and the additional thrill of sexual submission and domination and being cut-down…how lovely. Of course, I could be wrong, but I doubt things will alter without some serious couple/family/individual counseling. He hasn’t been without someone. She never stopped pining for him. So now her prince is returning without a single consequence or necessary change. Open arms, open thighs, all for “security” which has NEVER been security. So. I hate it. But it’s not my life. I led her here to this water. Her counselor tried to help. She is just more comfortable sacrificing herself I guess. Before, she said at least her girls were learning what not to do. I wonder what she thinks they’re learning now. She might decide to not to reconcile. I don’t know. What I do know is the divorce has been put off…
Incognito This Once – This is one of those situations that you’ve already recognised that you have to let it unfold. I find that many people who have left unhealthy relationships for very valid reasons and often when it’s long overdue, will *return* to the relationship right at the point when they’re on the cusp of accepting the end. It’s because the unknown panics them and rather than feel the loss which will give way to a gain, they’d rather clutch to the rotting anchor of their past. Some people do genuinely thrive on drama. Let it be. Her mistakes are hers to make. It is painful to watch your own flesh and blood treat themselves in this way, but you can’t make her be, feel, and see something that she currently has no desire to. Some people have to hit rock bottom and let’s hope that her rock bottom isn’t too rocky and that she starts fighting for herself soon.
Sounds like dieting, you want instant results, instant gratification and a shortcut. You go along doing everything right but the scale doesn’t budge. But sooner or later if you keep doing what you’re doing the needle does move and all your hard effort pays off. Change does bring about change.
Brilliant MaryC.
You are right MaryC. I decided to make some healthy changes at New Year’s. I’m making progress but I want to be in a bikini and bootie shorts today. I keep encouraging myself to stay consistent, eat healthy foods, do cardio and strength training, but the Cheetos call my name sometimes. I haven’t given in yet, but change hasn’t come easy. Nat is right– you just gotta sink in and do it.
I’ve been reading this blog for several months, and it’s helped me in a lot of ways, even though I’m not sure I fit the bill or my situation fits the bill. But then I read the posts and try to figure out if some of what’s said applies to me, and sure enough I can relate. I still find myself struggling, though, with my perceptions — what’s real, and what’s in my head. In the end, I just come to the conclusion that how I feel is what’s real and to deal with things based on that. If I’m upset in a situation, that’s real. The post that helped so much was the recent one on topline data. Topline data: I was upset. Change is hard, especially when I have to do it on my own behalf. It is hard beforehand when I’m in the uncomfortable but familiar zone, and it is hard afterward when it can prove difficult to get behind my own decision and the doubts kick in. What sets in now is the wondering whether or not any change was necessary.
A life without change is stagnation Yogini.
Thank you BR/Nat for helping me see the light about my former EUM/BF. If it weren’t for BR I would still be beating that dead horse. My ex hasn’t processed the death of his former fiancee and I knew that there were issues far bigger than me so I walked and am utterly heartbroken. The following line resonated with me because this is exactly where I am right now…..
It’s like “Look! I’ve made a decision/opted out of an unhealthy relationship that has more holes in it than a pair of fishnet stockings! So where is my reward?
While a part of me feels a certain sense of relief that I am off of the dysfunctional relationship roller coaster, it still totally sucks right now and I miss him (when he was engaged in the relationship that is) and am second guessing my choice sometimes. I need to get real about what I walked away from and learn how to get uncomfortable so that I don’t end up here again. 🙁
Finally getting it 69
Hi hmm yes what you say is very interesting as I had a similar experience with the ex EU widower. Holes the size of fish net stockings, yet getting the subsequent cravings 3 months down the line of second guessing. It doesn’t last long though, I reread my journals during that relationship time if I have any doubts about the decision and take a deep breath and think phew actually that was a near miss. I often remember what someone on this site said a while ago, that the more painful the time the bigger the imprints on our heart, thats why it takes just that much more work to un-hook. There is a dating a widower blog run by Abel Keogh you might like (his wife committed suicide, he has remarried and has 4 kids with wife no#2). I joined his fb discussion group and still read through the threads sometimes. There are definitely specific issues with that type of relationship eg dealing with happy couple photo shrines. Dates she died, facing the inlaws etc. After reading some, I am glad I am out of that situation. Certainly some W’s can move on and embrace a new life with someone else quite easily, they get ‘it’ life is short and they feel privileged to fall in love again, move house and make you feel priority one. Others play the W card, get empathy, attention, physical intimacy, keep the ghost alive, stay stuck and do not commit. Pretty much like your average EUM, so they start to fall into the men behaving badly category and we must let them go. After all my years of buddhist study I learned we need WISDOM and compassion. We need to not let our loving kindness blur our vision and let them take advantage. We need to be able to do a prayer, say I am sorry for your loss and move on. In peace.
There is much wisdom here in Nats blog and so much practical advice. What in us is attracting EUM’s and what aspects of ourselves must we change? Its all becoming clear…:)
Hi Ruth T – I hear you! We can often end up feeling bad about the fact that we feel neglected or are tired of how things are, because they’re a widow. The issue however isn’t that they’re a widow; it’s that they’re a widow and still grieving and expecting you to play the third wheel while having all the trappings of a relationship. You deserve better and you can’t live in someone’s shadow. The compassionate thing to do is to actually let them go and let them get on with their grieving because you are being used like an upper and a painkiller to avoid dealing with the loss. You deserve better than being on the rebound and you must quell your buffering urges to help him through his problems in the hope he might reward your loyalty and devotion with a relationship – they just try to continue having their cake and eating it too.
Thank you NML & Ruth T. I broke NC and am getting back on the NC horse now that I realize that after rejecting him I am only rejecting myself by contacting him and perpetuating the cycle. Retiring my Florence nurse cap!
Finallygettingit69 “it still totally sucks right now and I miss him (when he was engaged in the relationship that is)” – That’s the key. There shouldn’t be any ‘when’ – he should have been engaged in the relationship, period. What you feel is natural but you have to see the whole picture, not the slice of the relationship pie that looks most attractive.
WOW! how perfect I was just today thinking and realizing that I have been so stuck in the past 10 years of doing basically nothing, that I don’t know how to do anything. My 15 years relationship (the last 8 yucky) finally ended basically 2 months ago (my heartbreak about that is a different story) and I feel like I am left with nothing- knowing how to do nothing… I work from home the past 2 years and was self employed prior to that, so don’t have people to go to happy hour after work… and because he was more of a homebody stay with the kids all the time, we did not go out much and I have very few friends left… (of course he has already moved on and is going out with his girlfriend and her friends). I do not know how or where to go out and socialize… I am sitting here on Friday eve in my Pj’s (still), it’s his weekend with the kids, so I am free, and I don’t know what to do….! I called a couple friends who are busy or staying in with their kids, and then I just rationalize that I should probably just stay home and work anyway- need the money… since that is what I usually do….. I really have no idea how to go out, how to meet anyone and even how to date… so I really relate to the statement about I could have stayed with him and been just as miserable but in a different way….that seems like such an odd realization and I that I obviously have to change this particular habit. But where to start? Thank you for posting this and adding some clarity to my thoughts.
Val B,
try meetup.com. They have meetups all over the place and depending on where you are a range of activities you might get interested in. Just going off and meeting a few people for a drink who also don`t want t stay home alone will be good for you and it`ll show you that there are things to do/people to meet. Take care.
Val B I know its daunting but to inspire you here’s my recent story…..18 months ago I moved out of London to a smaller city, population 250000. I was a great fan of Meetup.com in London, Jazz groups went to Ronnie Scotts and studio 606 Chelsea, a film group where 30 – 70 peeps would turn up followed by pub drink/chat after, there was always a social aspect. A photography/sketching group wandering Bricklane to draw plein air….its endless. Now in this smaller city meetup.com is not prevalent, however I googled social groups and the city name and found 3, some have an age range which is helpful. City Socialising is a Uk wide group, but you pay. Others are completely run by a local setup and free. Anyway in October after spliting up with the Ex EUM I joined a new group, since then 55 other newbies have joined. Everyone is new sometime, out of long relationships, fragile, feeling vulnerable, you are not alone. Now heres the thing, don’t put your eggs all in one basket. What interests you? I joined an art society at the same time and go to talks on art stuff. Joined a drawing class so I am ‘learning’ something new. Also, I joined the social group and they do dinners, music gigs, canoeing occasionally and walking days out plus pub lunches. You sign up to what ever you fancy. 90% are single, some not looking for relationship, just want the social, recently divorced. 10% are couples. If you so desire and have the capital there are specialist solo travel companies/Valentines day dances etc. Yep I also go to the gym. Its unbelieveable how much more energy you have when you finally drop the ball and chain of a difficult relatonship. Okay reading that back it sounds like I do it all the time, but I just do 2 events a week and that stops the cabin fever. I work from home so do have to push myself to go and then love it when I make the effort. I should also add the first time I went without the man, I felt like a limb was missing, but I did it and it got easier each time. I cried a bucket of tears of loneliness sometimes, it shifts and gets better. The world literally is your oyster. So start something new today, wheyhey!
RuthT,
I love your post and agree it takes our effort to join new groups and get out of our homes and socialize. For me, this is also a big thing, and even though I do have a job that I go to Mon-Fri, we do not get together for happy hours… keeping our personal and private lives separate.
Like someone posted in previous article, they used idea that the EUM was a ‘safety net’ for them (when actually it was an unsafety net), but a lot of the EUM’s that give crumbs will stay in our lives (if we let them) and just that little bit of contact from them – the phone calls, the occasional visits/shags… it is a false impression that someone in the world cares about us – or we do have a personal relationship (even though it is a horrible one).
So it is very important for us to Embrace Change and to actively make positive change happen in our lives. The meetup groups are good and you can even start one of your own if you have the gumption… (hah.. old word huh).
I find that I must almost force myself out of the house a couple times of the week and into a social public atmosphere, and when actually out and doing something new find it rewarding or educational and sometimes dissapointing. We must actively change our loneliness.
Wow Ruth I am dizzy reading about all the stuff you do! But fair play to you,you are an inspiration and really making it happen for yourself.
Twice a week sounds hectic to me as I can barely manage twice a month [and it’s usually even less]. I guess it’s easier when people are naturally sociable,which I’m not. However I’ve been pushing myself and over the past two years have gotten quite involved in two activities which I enjoy.Only this week I joined a meetup group in a city two hours drive away [nothing in my small town] so it’s a new opportunity, but realistically,what with work and other demands,I’ll only get to do stuff with them every now and then. As I said in another comment,I’ll have to get more consistent and push myself out of my comfort zone more. Must google that City Socialising and see if they’re available in Ireland. Smaller populations here means less on offer but you’re right,the world is our oyster.
Hey Kay and Angel face et al 🙂 It was hard at first, I didn’t rush out as soon as I broke up, it was probably about 6 weeks after that I went to my first event. I live 10 miles from the local city so have to get out from in front of the log fire and cuddly 4-legged friend. Also, as I was seeing the ex 4 or 5 x per week anyway that was a huge void post breakup to fill. Friends didn’t seem to phone much either so I felt the emptiness in all its glory. In any case the uncontrollable grieving bit was mostly over, just the occasional waves of grief remain. You know when the timing is right, its when you get bored of being sad. I do think its important to have a 5 pronged approach to socialising though, then as you change or you don’t fit you can let that interest drop. For instance, the city socialising group was lovely but all at least 15 years younger, so the generational thingy was a tad wide, so needed to opt out of that. Another walking group is into 8 mile Sunday walks and I like to only do an hour or so…However, one of the other social groups is perfect. I cannot say I am no where near ready to date again, maybe that time is approaching, however my main emphasis to gain from socialising is to learn to meet new people and evaluate them, see what gels and make new friends. The identifyable payoffs to making all this effort are possibly immeasurable. There are starting to be some spinoffs as you make connections, people arrange smaller events outside of the main group, Sunday lunches or film nights. Something very special is that I have two new soul girlfriends and some very close acquaintenances developing. The safety net of love is getting formed so I can go out in the world stronger. You learn stuff about yourself in the context of a group too. I realise I am actually quite a comedienne! and very playful. Part of getting off the relationship crack is finding healthier options. So perhaps something for the mind – try learning a language, instrument, vocation? Body – gym, Ceroc, Zumba, sport, Ramblers walks? Spirit – Meditation, yoga, faith group? Be careful out there and go forth and prosper. lol
I totally recommend Zumba – be doing it for 6 months now and loving every minute of it – one thing I have learned about change – is this – if you want it – you have to get off your butt and go get it. Those six pack abs are NOT going to happen by thinking about them – you gotta do the work. Its the same as getting to the painting under the cracked canvas – you gotta to the work. You want to get in touch with the “real” you – you gotta do the work. You cannot think your way out of a situation you did not think your way into.
Val,
I completely understand what you are saying. I let most of my connections go during the last decade of a bad marriage and my family is 1000 miles away. I was lucky enough to keep a couple friends and make a few workplace friends but it is difficult because our lifestyles and ages are all so different, and on the few nights when my daughter is with her father, no one is available to go out. I too struggle with where to meet people and not just men, but just friends too. I struggle a bit with shyness so I am really pushing myself to sign up for something, anything and see what I actually do like to do and maybe meet someone to boot. I spent many months being miserable with a long distance EUM because just talking for the random few minutes he was able to spare were better than feeling like I was all alone in the world. Now I know better but I am still figuring out how to reach out.
Or…we could start our own meetup 🙂
Hi Val B. I think it’s understandable not to want to be out painting the town red every weekend – I have a few acquaintances in similar circumstances to you. He’s had more time on his hands to get a girlfriend than you. I’ve also seen time and again that a lot of guys don’t ‘dwell’ to the same extent that women do, which has it’s pluses and minuses. You’ve had some great suggestions and I think starting by broadening your social circle through activities, meetup’s etc is an ideal start.
I spent both Cristhmas and new Years’Eve all alone…Did not what direction to go…It is much better now…
“What I can’t promise you is instant results, instant gratification and a shortcut, which is what a lot of people want.” AMEN!
I hate to say it but it sucks to do the hardwork, it sucks to wait and it sucks further not knowing the ultimate outcome BUT…i’m now 6 months NC and I have never felt better in my life. And I’m doing better each and every day. (Doing better doesnt necessarily mean “pie in the sky” but a weight has been lifted since I unloaded the 225lb AC)
Great post NML, as always. I have officially adopted your blog as my 12 step program for the relationship crack. Much love your way!
Hi Metsgirl – that’s a lot of weight you’ve lost 😉 I think we have to see change as an opportunity instead of a pain in the arse. Something has to give and the best person to give to us, *is* us.
I was just thinking on this topic today. I’m pretty sure it has been in my head after reading a past BR posting as well! As per most people, I’d like to get up earlier, clean house more often, exercise more, you know, that kind of thing. But what I’m starting to realize, through BR, counseling, and focusing on me & putting responsibility on myself, is that I’ve really done NOTHING different to make change possible. Natalie I love the idea you write about how we expect a BIG reward for leaving the AC and stopping the maddness. But now what? I sit at work all day and think about all of the things I can accomplish after work, or what decision and/or plans I’m going to make so that I have something to look forward to and take focus off of him. But…I’m still going home after work, yes maybe do a few dishes, but ultimetely retiring to the couch, flipping on the same show, then a few hours in, I’m weeping, wondering what the hell is my life going to become now, and how do I get out of this funk?! Then I do the same routine, day after day. I’VE BEEN DOING THIS MY WHOLE LIFE. This isn’t just now coming up because of the lastest EUM/AC situation. Here’s what I feel is happening:
The AC break up scenario has made it difficult to GO back to a routine w/o him, that’s hard in itself. That’s where I get nostalgic, like I feel like I’m missing something. (Mind you, I’m NOT, I dont’ miss being lied to.) Being with him while being unsure of my own self worth gave me something to look forward to that FELT like change, aka his acknowledgement of my existance and attention. I kept thinking, OK! I’m finally worthy! But it wasn’t real change. It was a cloak for my own issues, misguided validation that I did matter, because I didn’t believe that I did, never had. What’s also fairly ironic is, being with EUMs/ACs, in this twisted way I always thought validated me, meant if an a**hole likes me, I must be pretty awesome afterall! What I have been feeling since NC is this rejection and low self esteem. Wait a second, what about all those times he said sweet things, said you were hot, sexy, funny, yada yada? Why don’t you still feel that way just because he’s gone? BECAUSE I still never really believed it about myself!!! I want to change that lie I tell myself that the only way I can be hot, sexy, funny etc is if a man tells me so! Yes I want someone to reflect the good in me, but I can only imagine how different that concept is when I believe the good about myself first. This AC himself didn’t change a damn thing about me! Not for good, not for bad! But the sitation has helped me to change how I see myself. I’m still the ME who wants love and security, and who gets sad sometimes and has flaws. And the me who wants a healthy relationship, and the me who still has a lot of growing to do and who is open to change and evolving. And the me who deep down knows she loves herself first and foremost, even if I struggle right now.
What the break up has also done, is helped me to start seeing that I won’t be satisfied with going back to my old routines. I’ve been weeping literally every night, but less and less about him. I started to wonder, what the hell! That feeling…I really think I’m crying out of the fear of knowing that a lot of emotional change is starting to take place, (the getting up earlier, and other changes hoping to soon follow!) whether I necessarily like it right now or not. At times I’m scared and angry about this, but I also know, it’s a good thing! I just don’t see all the rewards yet, and that also makes me angry. But I have to keep going.
Wow, NCC, that’s a great comment. What you’ve written down here is exactly the way I’ve been feeling about things too. You do indeed have to keep going, as do we all!
NCC : What you said — “Being with him while being unsure of my own self worth gave me something to look forward to that FELT like change, aka his acknowledgement of my existance and attention. I kept thinking, OK! I’m finally worthy! ” — could not have hit home more with me. I have only just realized that one of the reasons I was disproportionately upset over a guy I went on all of 8 dates with is that that particular dating experience came about at a time when I knew I needed to get out of my comfort zone but was terrified. He gave me a reason to ignore that fear because, I thought, “A-ha! Here’s change in the form of a cute guy. He’s all the change I need to shake up my life.” And when that didn’t work out it brought all my fear of change back to the surface, so I wasn’t really mourning him (a guy who really wasn’t all that) so much as I was mourning the fact that he wasn’t going to be my easy way out.
Great comment NCC that applies to a lot of areas of life. I like a lot of people have a todo list filled up with things I spend more time thinking about doing than it would take to do them. All of these thoughts are a distraction from action. It’s important to remember that you’re still grieving and with it, there comes pain before peace. Winning approval from someone you regard as an AC is always dangerous – it’s like getting in with the baddie gang at school. Getting to be liked or having attention from someone who is immoral, often emotionally bankrupt, and who does things to serve their own ends at yours and other’s expense is no prize – what you learn from this is that somewhere earlier in life, you’ve come to learn to seek love from unwilling sources. You want approval and love against the odds and it may be better to examine who you *really* wanted these feelings from, such as a parent. Feel all of your feelings and push yourself to do the work – the effort is worth it because you’re *always* worth it.
Since the beginning of December, I’ve come to realize my patterns and choices and terribly bad habits have reached a critical mass. I had that galvanizing incident occur that smacked the crap out of me and finally opened my stubborn eyes. Change was necessary, though it felt so incredibly uncomfortable. So finally this week, I went NC on a terribly inappropriate relationship. No longer will I be a Fallback Girl.
But even more important than going NC has been finally seeing myself for ME. I’m realizing that I myself am emotionally unavailable, though I have many people around me that love me to death. It’s that ‘alone in a crowded room’ phenomenon that I’ve felt all my life, but couldn’t quite grasp what the problem was. My bad habits have played the biggest role in my current (and many past) wounds. I’m ready to face that now.
And while my tendency would be to march my butt back to my counselor’s couch to have him help me figure out why I feel so lonesome and blue and starved for love all the time (my emotional unavailability, hello!) I feel this time I have all the tools necessary to actually make these changes without having someone to process through it with me. The change happens at my hand either way, anyway.
So I’m starting to build some good habits to help in the chasm between feeling good and feeling miserable –
*I’m going to learn my camera and keep a photo blog
*I’m committed to practicing my bass guitar daily, no matter what!
*I’ve got a friend on stand-by in the midst of all this: she’s on “Assclown Alert” and will drop everything and smack me around if I text her that. Ha!
*I’m considering starting a happiness project
I just know that I have to replace good habits for the bad ones.
Thanks Natalie, for all you do. I know it’s been said a million times, but I truly don’t know where I’d be without this blog. I thank God for your wisdom and insight.
Great comment Biscuit – there’s such growth and positivity taking place with you. “And while my tendency would be to march my butt back to my counselor’s couch to have him help me figure out why I feel so lonesome and blue and starved for love all the time (my emotional unavailability, hello!) I feel this time I have all the tools necessary to actually make these changes without having someone to process through it with me. The change happens at my hand either way, anyway.” I hear you and felt much of the same thing. One thing I remember is that even though initially it was a bit of a shock to discover the truth about my relationships and my part in them, learning about what makes me tick and seeing me ‘for real’ actually became a very positive project that I became thirsty for knowledge and hungry for development. When you see you as you truly are, warts and all, nobody and I mean nobody, can come along and define you *plus* you hold the power to embrace your strengths and weaknesses.
I found that one big change (my epiphany relationship and the break up) was needed before I could make some real serious changes in my life, like a slap in the face you can’t ignore. That first step was REALLY, REALLY hard and felt like diving into a dark pool blindfolded without knowing how deep or how cold it was going to be but the alternative was staying at the bottom of the well with snakes and no sunlight. I had hit the bottom. SInce that first pivotal step, small but steady changes has helped me keep moving forward. I still make some iffy decisions, question my own judgement, and am not always sure of myself but my mindset has changed dramatically. Sure, my feelings still get hurt, I am not a princess living in fairy tale land where nothing ever goes wrong, people still try to push my boundaries, but the change is…..I recover so much faster now and don’t get crippled by it. I get up, brush the dirt off and move on. I look close at my own behavior when I have an episode of drama or back sliding. Change hasn’t been easy or created instant ‘bliss’ in my life, but having a sense of control over my own life has made me a much happier and relaxed person. That is a huge change for me and a huge relief. Am I getting married a to prince charming yet? No, and maybe I never will. What has changed along with me is the idea that a success story has to somehow involve finding a man. Sure, I want a stable committed relationship in my life and I’m learning to be open for one, but I can’t make it my only means of finding happiness. That can’t be my driving force behind this change, it has to be deeper than that. It needs to be for me. I used to feel like being in a relationship was the ultimate goal for me, which is okay but it made me feel desperate for it. As a result, I became a doormat just so I wouldn’t be alone. You have to want it in a healthy way, when you know yourself and are ready. How do I know when you’re ready? I don’t have a concrete answer for that, but for me, getting back up on the horse and trying again once I felt relaxed and no longer raw. After that, one step and one change at a time. Without the blindfold.
I love your comments Jennynic – they always evoke images that give me a wry smile. I hope you recognise how much you’ve grown in the past year. “Sure, I want a stable committed relationship in my life and I’m learning to be open for one, but I can’t make it my only means of finding happiness. That can’t be my driving force behind this change, it has to be deeper than that. It needs to be for me.” Amen. When you derive happiness and success from a variety of sources, you have a far more rounded experience that’s truly centred in you as a happy individual.
I think people, and myself included, feel uncomfortable with change because it puts them in very unfamiliar, unpredictable and downright scary situations. I went to a waterslide theme park and went up a very tall tower and loaded myself and a friend into a blow up floatie. The water was rushing fast and disappearing down a black corkscrew tube which went all the way to the bottom and was dark.
THIS is how change feels initially – scary, you don’t know whats going to happen and you can’t really see ahead. You have to take a chance on yourself, and sometimes it means committing to the unknown.
How did I change over the last 10 months?
1. Found Baggage Reclaim and got wise (Awareness changed)
2. Started being more aware and being able to see unavailability in other people (Testing out my new knowledge – Facebook tells you a lot)
3. Saw a psychologist, told them I had a ‘breakup’ but that was not the primary issue, it was the latest installment of this ‘pattern’ and thus Psych and I went digging – found so many issues I didn’t realise were there (Action on underlying reasons)
4. Did the No Contact Rule and grieved- this was one of the hardest things to do and I almost went insane/depressed/angry and thought I would never ever ever recover or get over it. This dragged on for months! (Action)
5. Got a temporary work transfer to another city so I wouldn’t see them/bump into them/whatever. This was for a few months and did good.
6. Began turning down and opting out when I recognised the signs (application)
7. Sex ban (3 months) followed by dating ban (continuing).
Some days I feel I may slip backwards – especially when I get nostalgic about stuff like how nice it was to cuddle them. But then I remember all the shitty things too!
8. Forcing myself to go out and talk to people and make friends
9. Banning all dating sites, defriending a few people off facebook, dismantling online dating profiles.
10. Writing down an almost constitutional like document with the principles the are to guide my new life. The first two principles are, amongst others, are-
a) I will decide who comes into my life and the circumstances in which they come.
b) Nobody is so special that they cannot be cut off.
Next thing is to get a decent job, money and finish study. I want to leave the country so I never have a chance of seeing this…
Dear Tired_of..
I LOVE YOUR LIST.
Love this Tired. Best part “a) I will decide who comes into my life and the circumstances in which they come.
b) Nobody is so special that they cannot be cut off.” Can I get an aaaaaaaa-men?!
You own your life and you mustn’t hand over your power to anyone, and certainly don’t let them steal your wind and inflate themselves around you.
I love 10 (a) and (b) as well:
a) I will decide who comes into my life and the circumstances in which they come.
b) Nobody is so special that they cannot be cut off
It’s really hit me lately how passive I’ve been regarding who comes into my life–it’s just something I let happen rather than evaluating at the get go when it comes to friends/acquaintances. I need to think about how I’m going to change this. One effect of living this way has been assclown guy ‘friends’ coming into my life, who, surprise, were just trying to get with me and were completely disrespectful of the fact that I was uninterested AND in a relationship…..I wish I’d cut them out at the first warning signs.
“If you’ve had habits for years or even all your life, it’s just unrealistic to think you can pay lip service to change for a few days, weeks, or months and shazam, you don’t have to put in effort and life is easy peasy.”
So true! I still deal with a few lingering confidence/anxiety issues and I have had moments where I’m further haranguing myself because I haven’t morphed into Dalai Lama overnight. I’ve spent a good decade having bad self esteem/crappy relationships and I was expecting to go all zen about life and love in the time it takes to light an aromatherapy candle – not realistic I think!
Nat, I did the same thing with No Contact at first – I was wondering why it took a full year to get to where I am now, when in fact I fannied away the first six months of it basically blaming myself. Like you, the latter six months were a time of major progress, so cheers to that!
It’s a process and as much as it would be fantastic if a lovely dude would drop out of the sky because I’ve decided not to be a hot mess….it’s still a process. I may never have the “I do not judge the universe” (or whatever it says on those organic tea bags) outlook, but I did manage to not curse out a woman who stole a parking space from me outside yoga class. This was especially positive considering that, as it turns out, she was the instructor. Om!
@Natasha: “It’s a process and as much as it would be fantastic if a lovely dude would drop out of the sky because I’ve decided not to be a hot mess….it’s still a process.”
So true! I think I got over the fantasies about lovely dudes (more or less), but I still (!) entertain them about momster. Somewhere deep inside, I’m still hoping that “if I work hard enough on myself”; I can somehow win her approval.
I know it’s absurd. I had to go NC with her before I was able to come to my senses, at least halfway. She’s a narcissist and always will be. I wish I could detoxify her like a contaminated area, but it’s not possible. She’s pure venom and nothing else.
I have to grief her loss (or rather the loss of the positive idea I had of her), and it’s so hard. Half a year ago, I thought dealing with my anger was hard, but I somehow managed it. Now I have to deal with my sadness, and it seems even harder, but I know I need to face it anyway. If I can’t handle it on my own, I’ll get help again (even if I’m currently inventing a lot of excuses for not doing it).
I agree EllyB that you have to grieve the loss – the hopes you had for her and the false image you have of her. Reconciliation of the fantasy and reality – holding onto the former is what causes a great deal of havoc. The truth is, letting go of the positive idea of her won’t change anything – the past has happened. You’re not even in contact with her so it’s not like there would even be a confrontation or discussion. Instead, letting go of the positive image of her and just sticking with the real image, means that you can trust you because you are now in reality. It also frees up some closet space in your mind to focus your energy on your present and your future. The sadness won’t all go in one day – some days will feel sadder than others and then it will pass. It is time to nurture and grow up the little EllyB within you and get on with your life. She doesn’t define you – you do.
EllyB, I’m so sorry to hear what you went through with your mother. I just got back from a weekend trip with my girlfriends and one of them had a very, very similar situation growing up. Ladies like you and her inspire me every day. *Big Hugs*
YOU ARE TOO FUNNY!!!
Awwwww thanks Lo J – I find that sussing out the humour in these things moves the icky feelings along much, much faster!
Just realised my original comment had vanished. You rock. You’re a self-deprecating, breath of a fresh air with what can often be mirth inducing sense of humour. You’re often too hard on yourself and I think behind the humour and the deceptive outward appearance, you’re scared to get caught out again. But like you say, you’ve made major progress and you have to embrace your mistakes and turn them into reflections of the blessings in disguise that they truly are. That AC has experienced a great loss in you, but you know what? He was never meant to gain you either. A lot of these people get ‘lucky breaks’, catching you out on a off day or even an off month. They get their feet under the table and then you try to make a bad thing good, when really, you just need to tell ’em to beat it. Thankfully you’ve done that. Love you inside and out and continue to be compassionate. I think someone was looking out for you on the instructor front 😉
Awwwww thank you Nat! 🙂 You are very right, I am scared of being caught out again. I’ve been trying to take the attitude of, “Well, if something doesn’t work out/I have to step away from a relationship, that is LIFE and no one’s going to bust out their best Clay Davis voice and say, ‘She-e-e-e-e-e-et! Natasha’s gone and done it again!'” So far, it’s starting to work. I completely agree that my ex missed the boat and no indeed was he ever meant to catch it!
It’s funny, because every once in awhile I’ll get some dumbass text missive from him and I want to be like, “Aren’t you sick of this yet?” (This is amazing considering that I used to think this fool’s texts were so special that they should be embroidered on tapestries and hung in the Smithsonian.) I don’t know or care what his situation is, but I do know that I sure as hell got sick of it and I’m so glad I did! I hope all of the early NC ladies realize that you can and will get over these idiots – change is tough at first, but so worth it. Thank you again Nat, you are the best!! xoxoxo
strange how everything you’ve been posting hits it right on the spot for me. Why is it so hard for me to change? I’ve been doing the no contact (and breaking it during weak moments), feeling guilty, hating myself for feeling guilty, hating myself for allowing myself to have been with an unavailable AC for ten years… blaming him. blaming myself for staying, NOW blaming myself for bullshitting myself all those years kissing his ass hoping he’d care – i had been validating myself through him (thanks for that article). And, i know that hating myself is NOT going to help Me. aargh. So, HOW do i forgive myself? I dont know where to start with Change. I want to change permanently.. not through these little spurts of inspired thinking. 🙁
Hi Lyndol, changing permamently is a cumulative effort. You don’t see the effects of the permanency until the new habits have taken hold, making them just your regular way of being. Inspired thinking also has to give way to inspired action. If you stay in your cycle, the regret will mount and what will piss you off most of all, is seeing what you were doing and instead of doing something, busting your proverbial nuts over it, paralysing yourself in action, and then regretting it even more. You came, you saw, you loved, you broke, you went back, you broke, but ultimately you’re human. Someone else can come along and raise your 10 to a 15, 20, 25, or even 50. You forgive yourself by showing you that you mean business and that you can trust yourself to act in your best interests. You let it go and accept that it’s over but more importantly that you made mistakes and you’re human, but that all of this gives way to an opportunity to live your life differently now. You cannot have any influence on your past – only now and the future. Get on with that instead.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-we-really-need-to-forgive/
This post came at the perfect time for me. Ive been seeing a married assclown for 5 mos and started NC as of yesterday. I am incredibly sad because I loved him, but after he told me he “needed to apoligize for using the ‘L’ word with me” and that his “situation was still up in the air”, I KNEW the time had FINALLY come to cut all contact from him. It’s def one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do (because I’ve been unhealthily CONSUMED with him, his lies, future faking and usage of the word LOVE for 5 mos), but I had a moment and forced myself to send that NC email. I’ve been distraught and crying ever since, but I know I made the RIGHT decision FOR ME!! It’s tough, but I know in time I’ll be a MUCH BETTER person. Thank you Natalie, for guiding me into self love, trust, care & respect!! I will always be thankful for you because of this!!
Oh heeeelll no! I’m glad you told him to get knotted ThoughtItWasLove? At the end of the day, he had no business telling you he loved you. He’s married. It’s like selling you a house that he doesn’t actually have the deeds of the property to. Fraudulent. When someone is showing you a ‘house’ that they’re not in a position to sell, they can tell you what they like – you’re not getting the house anyway. Ultimately he’s married – game over, no credits on that information alone. You deserve better than Mr Snatch Back The Apology – go and get a responsible man that stands by his word.
I’ve been struggling with change recently, but not in a typical fashion – Others are giving me resistance! I’ve been very seriously contemplating relocating to a different state but none of my family want me to go, and now I feel like they’re giving me a hard time about it. They give me all these reasons why I shouldn’t go, or reasons it could fail and fall apart, and unfortunately I only think of good things to say to them afterwards, not while they tell me these things. It’s damn frustrating. I’m ready to spread my wings and fly, but I have others trying to drag me away from the launching pad. 🙁
Jessy, people will always be resistant to change, including yours. Much as they may love you, these people are projecting negativity and their own fear of change. I don’t doubt that they may not want you to move because they’ll miss you, but you’re relocating to another state, not even another country or another planet. Stop looking for validation – you’re a grown up with your own life to lead and your own decisions to make. Make a decision and then tell them, instead of asking for their permission.
@Jessy: As harsh as it might sound: If they really love you, they’ll get over it (and still love you afterwards).
A friend of mine (the one I haven’t cut off) is struggling emotionally, because her mother puts pressure on her to have kids and to get married in church. My friend wants neither, but feels very guilty about it. She says: “If I won’t have kids, she will think she has failed as a mother! I don’t want that to happen, because I know how hard she worked raising all of us kids!”
Secretly, I am p….ed at her mother. My friend’s story sounds almost like emotional blackmailing to me. I don’t tell her, anyway, because I don’t think it would help (and who am I to judge, given my own toxic-family-issues?).
Anyway, I think it’s sometimes necessary to do what you want, even if your family doesn’t approve. I know many people whose parents were initially angry about some of their choices, but later on learned to accept them. People like my toxic parents (unfortunately) won’t do such a thing, but luckily, they don’t seem to be the norm.
Good luck to you!
I wish for you EllyB that one day you will give the kindness, encouragement and optimism to yourself that you so readily give to others. xx
Thanks Grace – well, I certainly need to work on my self-image!
Anyway, I often think I need to point out “It’s okay to disrespect your parents’ wishes from time to time”, because few other people seem to do it. For most of my coworkers and some other acquaintances, parents are somehow “sacred”. Every disagreement with them leads to long complaints and discussions, as if the sky was going to fall down if the parents couldn’t be made happy. I – who has completely cut off contact with her entire family – really feel like an oddball there.
Is this normal, or rather due to the kind of people I usually stay with?
EllyB, I can feel the pain in your post, & you are not alone in cutting off a toxic family. It is uniquely depressing and unbearable loneliness (weekends/major events/holidays!) but necessary. It sounds like your mom was intensely aggressive about pursuing her twisted agenda, unacceptable behavior and unfair expectations on you. Most kids didn’t grow up with knots in their stomach and chronic fear and dread of being the target of a chronic rage-a-holic or passive aggressive (or whatever version of toxic she was), so you have some distressing emotions to work out. Lots of counselors, ministers and social workers don’t even get it, yet this is exactly what made you vulnerable to an EU (or antisocial, or narcissist, or sociopath, etc). Your boundries are reversed b/c of your mom– you trust & love the pig swine and keep the good people out, perpetuating and re-creating the drama of your childhood.. perhaps b/c abusers continually demoralize and undermine their kids and then tell them its ‘love’? If you have siblings, they might vacillate between this bully & victim behavior as well, so you can’t really turn to them. At any rate, I wish the best for you and hope you can find some answers/peace. No Contact is the change you need to make, and it sucks to keep going through people with out any one to count on. It becomes a catch 22- is the white hot painful lonliness worse for me than the abusive relationship? I think it’s against the rules to post other sites, but, it you haven’t already, you might want to google ‘toxic parents, walking on eggshells, living with/divorcing borderlines’ or ‘lovefraud’ or’ relationships with sociopaths’, the author Joyce Carol Oats writes fiction loads of books on you will find lots of kids who survived toxic families there….
Love this, and LOL: More holes than fishnet stockings…
I’m not staying home tonight moaning and pining. I’m gonna dress real cute and go to a reggae dance party. TGIFriday. And I’m going to smile, talk with people and have fun.
There is so much truth in this article. Thank you Natalie, and hope you had fun shopping the other day when you did have a little time for yourself, and I appreciate you sharing your valuable time writing these amazing posts…. Thank You for Sharing, and your words, on me, are not falling on deaf ears. Now… time to go dance.
That’s what I like to hear AngelFace – hope you had a great time!
“It’s amazing how thinking you might be dead in ten years and have a shite quality of life in the meantime, can spur you…”
Funny you should say that. I just read an article a few days ago entitled, “Top Five Regrets Before Dying” by Bronnie Ware. The author of the article worked with hospice patients and obtained a list of the top 5 regrets that these patients had to come to terms with.
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
Numbers 1,3, and 5 really spoke to me, as I know that I need to make changes so I don’t end up looking back on life feeling as they do. Why is it that it often takes coming close to death for us to realize that we’re not really living? I don’t want to have to be there in order for me to change. Your post was a much needed read, as I am very guilt of making temporary changes then eventually backsliding to where I was in the first place. Some changes are difficult for me because I’ve been conditioned to consider myself last, or at least not first, and I feel a little guilty whenever I do want to change. But the new year reminds me that time is moving forward even if I don’t, and I want to move right along with it. Thanks for the extra kick in the pants to help keep me focused.
Thanks for sharing that Lia – so very true. I was reading about a British journalist in her early 30s with terminal cancer. After she found out, she said that she suddenly realised how utterly ridiculous and a waste it was to have spent so much time worrying about her appearance, what she was eating, dodgy relationships etc when there were so many things she could have been doing like enjoying life and enjoying being *herself*.
Change is for you so there is no need to feel guilty. Anything that enables you to grow as a person and improve your personal happiness, can only be a bonus.
Hello,
Change is what I need to go through now. Am in a new relationship, no drama, don’t want to change him, which is so different, that I seriously don’t know how to be in it. My last relationship had drama and I was trying to change him, fixing and I do not, would not go back to that, but I’m not sure how to be in this new territory and I find myself sometimes missing my old relationship (I’ve been NC for 4 months, but he keeps emailing me). Very unfamiliar. I am taking it slow with this new guy and he is very respectful of my pace, but I’m afraid to move forward, because it is new and I don’t get away with the old behaviours, and I simply don’t need the old behaviours, yet they still want to come out. Strange, I am in the middle of change and it’s hard because I feel out of my comfort zone. I’m finding it hard to trust this too, if this nice guy turns out to be a jerk, then I will have to give up on men. It’s scarey, and I must go through it and hopefully not sabotage it. Any ideas on this stage?
chloe
Block the ex. They’re like arsenic – a little goes a long way.
@Grace: “Block the ex. They’re like arsenic – a little goes a long way.”
Have to remember that phrase. It’s fantastic!
Well you won’t have to give up on men Chloe – you just try again with someone else. This man doesn’t hold the key to life for you. Block your ex’s email – if you have gone so far as to move onto a new guy, you need to turn off the drama tap from your past. If you’ve genuinely moved on, it shouldn’t matter what he wants in that email anyway. The only way to go forward is to go forward. If the guy is behaving in ways that warrant distrust, you step back and/or opt out. If he’s not, at least have the decency to judge him on his own merit.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/learning-to-trust-again-youve-got-to-put-out-some-trust-then-adjust-accordingly/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/everyone-has-the-potential-to-be-nice-but-youve-still-got-to-go-through-the-discovery-phase-of-dating/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/be-careful-of-rushing-to-date-and-love-again-theres-no-fire/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/quiz-are-you-ready-to-date/
@ incognito this once
Wow. That sounds tough. Most especially to see the people you love and care about go through that. I would murder the guy if he was doing that to my sister. I’ll make his life so miserable, he wouldn’t think of going back to being with her.
I just got off what I thought was the perfect relatio ship. For the first time in my life, this guy treated me in such a way that no other man have. I fell inlove with how funny, smart, motivated and gentleman he was. I became so blinded by this Feel Good treatment that I failed to address our underlying issues which is : together in person we are perfect.
When we are not together – he doesn’t communicate by text or call and he sometimes cancels on me. Funny thing is he is always on his phone 24/7 and on BBM and he is still on his phone when we go out.
I found myself in desperate acts such as : be the first to text, ask him why he’s not coming to see me and all this other desperate stuff.
But again, when he commits to going out or he came over, it was back to fantasy land AGAIN.
Till he moved, he promised nothing’s gonna change but it did.
Now that I look back it all make sense now. It’s like completing a puzzle and finally fitting in all the missing pieces. Now that it’s a complete picture, some of the pieces are loose and so broken that it doesn’t look good as a whole.
He doesn’t even talk to me now. When he does he tells me that he loves me. I don’t believe a word he say because his action does not match his words.
This is my first break up. I took it really hard. Then I found this website and I listened to friends and it helped me.
This website is like a friend who tells you like it is, the reality and opens up your eyes.
Less than two months after he decided to leave me, I am feeling much better. Doing things for myself. I see my dream in a bigger picture and aim higher.
There are days like today that I would get off from work and feel depressed or sad and hurt but hey, that is the grieving period. You can forgive but you cannot forget.
I forgive him and I do not see a point trying to fight and argue with him. Because to me, a good relationship is worth fighting for.
What I had with him, was not a relationship. It was a one way street to dream land.
I am glad I found this website because it gives me the strength and courage to go on with my day everyday. Both my…
Lightshaber: Sorry for your pain as well…but murder isn’t the answer (tho don’t think I haven’t thought of it MANY times)…ah well…their lives to live and answers to find just as we have ours. You will be okay…you have found this site and are learning and are trusting yourself and rolling with the changes. Thanks for your kindness. I just had to get it off my chest.
Hi LightShaber – this is one of those relationships where as time passes, while you won’t forget the good times or good points, you will see things for what they were. In spite of being ‘perfect’ when you were together, things can never be that perfect if when you are together, he’s on the phone 24/7 and using the time away to undermine whatever good happened when you were together. Things sounded very on his terms – this leaves you nowhere to go. He is too fast and loose with his words and ultimately, love is an action. You can feel it, touch it, see it, experience it – there’s no point in saying it if he’s not going to cough up the goods. Keep striving and be thankful you’re in reality.
I’m slowly aware now more so than I have ever been about myself and a few things that I need to change, when ready. I’m quite attachment phobic and unsettled, have always moved jobs alot and moved friends. However I’m slowly becoming more settled within myself and who I am. I used to force myself to socialise, be a girl about town, drink be chatty and attract errr the wrong men. However the right guys were always there I just chose to surpass them and go for the EUM’s. I’ve decided to quit my Nursing job in a few months and pack up and do agency work around Australia. I know eventually when the time comes and I’m ready I will settle somewhere, but I need to work on myself a bit first. I also know now the type of man I’m attracted to, honest, stable, gentle and with a sense of humour. Funny how all the EUM’s I knew sense of humour extended to making fun of me and others…. never known one to be able to laugh at themselves 🙂 xxx
Indeed H. I think there’s a big difference between a sense of humour and taking the piss out of people. I also think the whole ‘GSOH’ search is overrated – most people, unless they’re miserable point blank, have a sense of humour. I’ve been taken in by enough funny guy Mr Unavailables to know that searching for the obvious is overrated and misleading. You’re looking for a mate not a comedian. Even if you move abroad, making commitments in other areas of your life will make it easier to make commitments with your relationships in the future. Once you address why you are moving jobs, friends, etc and learn to push through the discomfort that stability and expectations brings, you will stop pressing the eject button.
You fall down. You get back up again. After a terrible two-year relationship exploded all over the wall and he got together with someone else before he’d given me the key back to the house – I have been reeling. Despite intellectually knowing that it was awful, that I’d had no boundaries, I was never me in that relationship – it has been completely grief stricken and terrible. But through NC and Baggage Reclaim amongst other things – I’ve been trying to change. I kept an emotions diary to try to see where I drop boundaries with people, where I get upset, how I process emotions. In the Christmas period – I ended up with a guy from my past that I thought I had some unfinished business with. But in reality – this was my comfort zone – of getting involved with men just out of long term relationships who then perform hot and cold, and FF – when I’d just thought we were having a one night thing. (Commitment issues on my part – for sure!) I fell down because I was responding as I always have to the silences and no calls etc – ie. I crank up the interest. HOWEVER – due to some of this new behaviour I’ve been trying for – I realised that what I’d been feeling the next morning was that I wasn’t sure about taking it any further, that I didn’t think he was in a happy place and that I didn’t want to be a Florence AGAIN. It got over shadowed by the EUM behaviour that I’ve programmed myself to respond to – but – and this is crucial – only for a few days. I broke the spell – told him I wasn’t interested in taking it further and have stepped out of the game. So I fell down – but at least I am starting to recognise responses and CHANGE them. I made a mistake but I did something different than I’ve ever done before. Small steps. And yes – change doesn’t come without change. I’m determined to get there.
This is really great Sarah and a brilliant example of the value of keeping a Feelings Diary and acting upon feedback that your life is giving you. If it’s familiar, it’s danger warning. Keep striving and learning from your mistakes and investing in the application. You can do it!
Just made a decision to let go of an unrequited love. It was tough because she was also the closest friend I had throughout college. I think she always knew that I liked her but I knew she would never reciprocate because I’m also a girl. She is the first girl I’ve ever been attracted to and also the first person I had ever been in love with. Both came very unexpectedly for me. Finally, after nearly a decade of being close friends, I decided to tell her how I felt because my feelings never went away. She said she wanted to still be friends, and I earnestly do too, but I realize now that if we are to be friends I have so much work to do. To feel differently, I need to think differently. Telling her and cutting contact was the hardest decision I made, but a necessary one. Not because she was at fault for anything but because I used my unfulfilled love for her as an excuse not to put myself out there. Nearly five months later, I realize there is so much more I need to do. I allow myself to miss her deeply, and to wonder whether she misses me. I find myself replaying my decision to cut contact over and over in my head and questioning whether I did the right thing. I do all this instead of just accepting my decision and actively focusing on finding someone else who I want to be with and who can love me too. This post was an excellent reminder that making life altering decisions are tough and often require us to sacrifice the familiar, but the real work comes after. I miss my friend but if I can ever hope to be friends again, I need to get real with myself. Ultimately the change has to come from within. Thanks for this awesome post and reminder!
Hi First Time Poster. Your grief is understandable – you’re trying to come to terms with the loss of what you hoped might happen while having to also deal with the loss of her out of your life. You did the right thing. If being friends and getting your feelings in check was possible, you’d have done this before now. To try to be friends without a break, would be to compromise yourself further and also compromise your friendship. It’s not that you’re not friends but you’re not in a position to actually have a friendship until your feelings are purely platonic and there’s no other agenda beyond friendship. It’s tough but it’s necessary. I would accept the decision and focus on grieving the loss and creating new habits that aren’t tied to your feelings for her, and *then* move on.
Thanks. I got up at six to work, while the kids are still asleep, I have a huge dinner party today and it looks like a bomb hit the building.
Oh, and everything was working out so good with my best friend after the NC phase (that he initiated). I was seeing other men, and was open to falling in love with someone new. We had a really good time. He´d want to hang out with me several times a week and contact me many times a day, we visited his mother, hung out with his mates and mine, he suggested we go and do something with my friend and her boyfriend, and all was great, except for the part that we behaved as a couple (romantic movies, dinners, sweet gifts, going to parties as a unit, his colleagues referring to me as his lady) and weren´t. Then, to my great surprise (which would have been no surprise if this were a novel/film), we had sex one night. For the second time ever in life. Of course, it was lovely. Afterwards, we hung out the whole next day, with friends. Didn´t talk about it. And now we´re both drowning ourselves in work and I´ve told him to get in touch when he´s ready (putting it all on him), and he´s asked me if I believe we need space between us, I replied that he´s free to take whatever space he needs (instead of actually talking about it, because I don´t know what to say), and that was two days ago. I am not in action mode. I am just as scared as I was when we fooled around two years ago. So is he. We´re both just so, so scared of the real thing. And I REALLY need to work now.
Hi Em. I think I remember your story. I think that part of being emotionally available and decisive does mean getting uncomfortable, having the awkward conversations and asking the awkward questions. Leaving things ambiguous and doing the half arsed talking will send mixed messages and leave you both in an emotional wasteland. You’ve had sex, you’re supposed to be friends, you’ve been NC before – if you can’t have this conversation, you shouldn’t be doing it. Something has to give here and it doesn’t matter who speaks first, the point is that one of you does.
I am/was under the impression that I have made a lot of changes in myself. I even encourage myself by looking at how far I have come. But it seems I am not in the “change” yet. I yo-yo badly between good days and really BAD dates still. I think there is truth in what NML says:
“Just like when I wanted to hold onto my old thoughts and my old ways and get the relationship I felt I was entitled to, even though I had low self-esteem and some rather unhealthy love habits plus I was never with people who were actually healthy relationship material, change does not come without…change.”
The thing about healthy people around me shows that I am travelling but in an odd direction. I think I have made a lot of changes, but in reality- maybe not.
This week I had a friend that I haven’t seen face to face for ten years, visit me for two days with her mother. I tidied up my apartment (I am about to move and I had packing boxes everywhere) laid out my best china and linen and waited. They finally did arrive and it became a horrible two days. All my efforts we’re spat on by this person, who now acted like a demanding spoilt 2yr old in my house.
To tell the truth in all my dealings with this woman, there have been mega red flags that I have ignored. Odd things said and done to others that I knew about.It really made me ask myself:
“Just how far have I really come? Am I really even supposed to think about getting a mentally healthy man when I still have “friends that totally suck?!”
Wizzy
Drop her. Job done.
I did.
Hi Wizzy, even people who have healthy relationships can have the odd sucky friendship especially if they have known the person a long time and made excused for previous dodgy behaviour. That said, don’t invite this woman to your home again and stop ignoring her red flag behaviour. You at best need to keep her at a distance and decide what capacity you want to participate in this friendship – if she treats others badly, she’ll treat you badly. Everybody has good and bad days – don’t be so hard on yourself. If you keep trying to measure change every day or week, you’ll piss yourself off because you might not be able to see the little differences. Evaluate after longer time periods or after navigating a difficult situation, and you will see the difference more clearly. You’ll see how much you’ve changed with her, when the next time she talks about coming over, you say you have other plans.
Come to think of it, it has become much easier for me to enforce boundaries and be the actor in my own life, privately and professionally, over the past six months (and my best friend is totally supportive in this). Including in dating; I immediately removed myself from a situation where a married man told me I might be the one, for instance (after spending a single night talking to me and dancing with me and nothing more). Not that I´ve ever been involved with married men before, but that boundary was heartfelt and immediate.
Perhaps what I find so hard about being in a relationship is… the part where one makes private decisions together. I have no idea how to do it. I grew up with a mother who made all the calls and a father who was just nice all the time. And I don´t want to become her. That is my biggest fear. Also, I don´t want to be in a relationship with someone who acts like her. I´ve tried both. The reason why I am not initiating a real, equal, co-piloted relationship with my best friend, is that I don´t know how to do it (even if he´d want to, which he gives pretty confusing signals about whether he does BUT SO DO I! I mean, his friends find me confusing, they wonder what I want).
I have no map, I have no template. And he does sometimes open up and talk about the possibility of us, very carefully, and I coward out of it, speaking in general terms, not about the two of us. Do I have to wait until I meet someone who grew up as the child of happily married parents, someone with automated healthy expectations, before I can have a good relationship? I want change. I just don´t know how to go about to get it.
Em,
You say “the reason *I* am not initiating a….relationship with my best friend is because *I* don’t know how to do it.” In the same way you say your mother called all the shots – it’s almost like you are putting yourself at the centre of the situation. It’s as if any relationship is something *you* have to do/sort. If you and your best friend are going to have a relationship it will be something you and he talk about and decide upon together. That way you’ll be making a private decision *jointly*.
At the moment it sounds to me like there’s a lot of mirroring going on: You’re both unsure about how the other feels and neither of you is willing to be vulnerable and open up to the other about your feelings. To quote an old saying – ‘life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ (or something like that!).. Next time he opens up – maybe ask him outright whether he is interested in taking things further and instead of speaking in general terms, tell him how you feel about him. (That’s if you do want a relationship with him).
Thanks Eloise 🙂
Nat, how do you do it?? Always knowing what I need to hear, right here, right now!! Thank-you thank-you thank-youxx
My new mantra for today is:
Being single is amazing….it will take an amazing person for me to give it up!!!!
Here’s to change for the better xx
“Being single is amazing….it will take an amazing person for me to give it up!!!!” Love it Miranda!
Thanks Nat. So glad I had my epiphany moment on Monday and finally saw the EUM for what he really is….my dad was rushed to hospital today…..I really don’t need the EUM’s b*llsh*t and lies anymore.
What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger x
Deciding to make a change and then putting into action is very difficult, but I feel if you really are ready and you want the results then you’ll put in the work. This is what I tell myself all the time. The last 3 months have been difficult for me because someone who I thought was going to be my knight in shining armour made me the centre of his universe for a hot minute then dumped me (without telling me just did NC) and I had to pick myself up and carry on. Part of my healing process has made me realise I need to change and one of the main things is to say what I mean and mean what I say. If I had challenged him about certain red/amber flags that I had seen or just opted out at the right time maybe I wouldn’t have wasted my time during October to December last year feeling so depressed. Some of the other changes are to find a new job (which I have already started to do), go out and socialise a lot more, which is a little bit difficult because I become shy in social settings where I don’t know everybody, but I need to overcome that. At 37 too many people tell me how great I look for my age and that I need to embrace it and use it to lift me up and stop being sweet to everyone, it has got me nowhere, so I need to change that as well! I’m determined to do it because I want to experience true love with someone but if I can’t be whole and content as me it will show, and EUMs pick up on this and take advantage, just like the last one! I have deleted my on-line dating profile also because I just think its too easy for EUMs, ACs, and time wasters to take advantage of women who are seriously looking for someone. Much love everyone 🙂
Hi Stephanie, the first thing to change is to stop looking for a knight in shining armour – you don’t need anyone to come and rescue you from your existence. You have a clear handle on what you need to do but break it down to make it more accessible and productive – what specific actions will help you achieve what you desire? Knowing the steps helps you focus your mind. Many people become shy in social settings, even those who appear outgoing – I can be like this at times. There’s no such thing as going places and knowing everyone, so it’s coming up with strategies to help you manage your discomfort. I’m not very good at being a school gate person or doing mum and baby groups – they can be quite intimidating. That said, I’ve had to bite the bullet and learn how to make polite chit chat and get involved. The sky hasn’t fallen down and I recognise that these things are a two way street. Get a book on boosting your confidence or even take confidence class.
As an avid reader since discovering Natalie’s wise words a few weeks ago when i had my break up or should i say a break up from my ‘semi’ ex boyfriend. i say ‘semi’ because i cannot truly describe the relationship nor could other people around me. it was 2 years of uncertainty, sex and explosive drama. There were those rare few days when i would come home happy. the sad thing is, the drama wasn’t even my doing. it was drama bought on by a man that didn’t really want to be with me, but through obligation that he felt and my attached obsession and him not wanting to let me down., i can say that im still attracted to him physically and emotionally and regardless of what happened, we connected in ways…..(we lost our virginity to each other) and being my first relationship of any sort with a guy, (im 30) it escalated to an explosive ending. It will be a month of no contact when this monday approaches. i want to say that a lot of the posts ring true and when i read people’s stories , a lot of it describes my story. in some ways i feel glad not to be alone, yet there are those days when i do feel lonely and feel tempted to send a text message to him especially when the weekend approaches and i have this nagging feeling in my mind. i want to know what is he doing, who is he seeing, is he missing me etc, etc. When i do have those feelings i always come to this website to read natalie’s words and other people’s words. it brings me back to reality. i was obsessed with a man that had sex only with me for two years, yet didn’t even treat me as a girlfriend. didn’t take me to dinner (i took him to dinners and paid), didn’t see me for my birthday, didnt invite me to his birthday, i made effort to take him out, buy him gifts, didnt spend valentines with me, didn’t invite me out with his friends , would dress up and go to parties without me and then call me at 12am onwards for booty call action, never made plans with me, saw me last minute and i would make myself available, he would always make me wait when we did see each other. he would always came late. Through my lack of experience with men and low self esteem and confidence, i wanted to be wanted and i put up with a lot. its funny because through it all, i don’t see him as an evil person, ( people that meet him would say he is nice and friendly and approachable) just someone that doesnt know…
jasmine
evil is a strong word but he’s certainly inconsiderate, selfish, unreliable and a user. Nice, friendly and approachable are not actually virtues. They are social glue. I’m sure on a good day Stalin was terrific company. There’s nothing wrong with being those things but I know tactless, scratchy, standoffish people who I’d much rather babysit my pretend baby.
Do. Not. Text. Him.
That is comedy gold, Grace.
I am still thinking about this comment.
Excellent, Grace. Just excellent. So true!
Hi Jasmine, I always say that if you can’t say flat out that it’s a relationship and in fact struggle to describe it, it’s because it’s ambiguous and in fact a ‘casual relationship’. It’s tricky because you lost your virginity to him which feels like a heavy investment of your ‘capital’. You want to believe that you lost it to someone better than what he actually is and in recognising that he’s quite the jackass, you then want to justify your initial reasons to be with him and your subsequent hanging about. You are also overestimating your connection – it’s an unhealthy one and not all connections are created equal. No doubt you had some good times in there, but you’ll fare better at preserving these if you step off the merry-go-round and accept that this isn’t a relationship and he in fact is using you. Yes it would be great if we could remember our ‘firsts’ as being perfect gentlemen in perfect relationships, but the fact that they’re not is why second and beyond experiences happen. It’s not about him being evil – he’s unavailable and no halfway decent guy treats a woman in this manner and it’s because he’s *not* a halfway decent guy.
Thankyou ladies for your responses. it’s officially today one month of no contact. Natalie you are right and , i spent a long time convincing myself that this is the guy i want as my partner and that i will take all this shit from him. . A lot of it is due to the virginity issue. i wanted to hang on because i didnt want losing my virginity to mean that i did it for nothing. every way he acted towards me even if i felt it was genuine, a lot of it was lies.. he told me , he didnt like kissing , but then confessed he lied about it.he ‘loved kissing’, but not kissing me 🙁 . He also said he acted ‘mean’ towards me at times because he wanted me to get ‘angry’ and then for me to break contact with him. Ladies, the signs were all there for me, i ignored the signs because i wanted to. Now i feel embarassed by it all. i know better now. Around the same time i lost my job. I am now going to focus on me, as a person and in the process have respect for myself and have boundaries and not ignore red flags. i also want to say that my brother in law (bless him, he is friendly to everyone he meets did not like this guy which coming from my brother in law is a huge shock for him not to like someone) and my sisters or friends didnt like him either..i guess it pays to listen to people around you..
Recovery after a lifetime of crazy behaviour,choices and habits is exactly like recovery from alcohol and drugs. It’s ongoing and it’s often tough.Sometimes you feel you threw the baby out with the bath water and you’re now a bit of a dry drunk. Sometimes you waver and feel like going back into the past.But you don’t.Because you know that that door into the past will lead you back into a nightmare world which threatens your very existence.So you continue to inch your way forward in your new life of change because you basically don’t have a choice.
It’s been three years since I discovered Natalie and BR and started to make life changing differences.Twice I relapsed and fell off the wagon and twice,with the help of BR,I got back on.The truth is you may never get not only the instant, but the overall gratification that you probably feel entitled to.But the sense of peace,wisdom and self love that you do achieve by overcoming destructive habits,is a reward in itself.
I’d love to be able to say that three years on and life is great,that all sorts of blessings have come into my life.That would be a lie.While my life is rich in many ways,it’s still impoverished in terms of friendship.Because I never had any boundaries, I realised that all my former friendships and relationships were toxic and I’ve pretty much had to flush them all out and despite my best efforts [joining new clubs etc], I still haven’t filled the gap.I’m still very prone to self doubt and negativity.But I have never regretted my decision to change and live a different life. Even if the results are as yet small in terms of personal happiness,they are still results and as Natalie said in the last post,”it ain’t over til it’s over”
To go back to my analogy with the alcoholic,two things are vital in recovery.Support and consistency. I don’t have much support so I find this site invaluable.Having a place where I can write out my feelings is very cathartic and reading the stories of other posters is so uplifting.
Consistency is definitely where I need to do more work.Change and recovery are an ongoing daily effort.So I realise as I write this that I need more positive daily reinforcement as well as redoubling my efforts at new friendships and a possible relationship.Thanks for this great post and hugs to all.
Hello Kay! Always lovely to hear from you! You have come a long way and I do feel that some of this has been logistics. Having being brought up in Ireland and feeling that Dublin could feel like a village with everyone knowing your business and interconnected, I can only imagine what it feels like in a smaller town. This adds more effort although if you read some of these comments, you’ll then get someone saying that they live in a city and can’t meet anyone. Anyway, yes, you have to go further afield for friendship and relationships but you’re worth the effort, and yes, stick with it. The consistency is the glue that holds it together and forms a chain through your life. Hugs to you missus!
Natalie,
this post is echoing where my head has been moving towards in the past few weeks…
“We doubt our abilities or we procrastinate. We try to do it in small doses for a short period of time, which may even give a little shift, but ultimately not enough.”
I am procrastination personified. I hate this about myself. I have a whole list of things that I am going to do differently – things I’m going to do/things I am going to stop doing (like not pressing snooze until I have left myself ten minutes to get showered, dressed and out of the door! Yes – I must have 8 hours sleep or I am miserable the whole day, but will I get to bed early as I promise myself I will – nope!) I am always going to make these and other changes – just not right now, just not today!
We look for substitutes/shortcuts/airbags to cushion us from the collision with facing up to the effort and consistency it actually takes – from *us* to effect real and lasting change, to avoid the reality that WE need to make it happen – force it to happen. I often wonder if I used BR as a substitute for the EUM relationshit to begin and that I am still doing that now, though less as substitute for him and more to avoid me taking actual *action*, like making necessary changes in my daily/weekly/monthly life that would also help me. BR has helped/helps me enormously – I thank God I found you Natalie – every day I do! I need to use BR as a guide – a steadying influence – a light that shows me the way and gives me a push and a nudge in the right direction; I need to avoid using it and other things as a substitute/comfortable avoidance corner for me taking the necessary action to effect change in my life where it needs to happen. This post hit me just as my head was going there, so BR is also helping me to grasp/is reaffirming for me that my head is going in the right direction: If I want to make changes I have to *make* changes happen. Me. I need to do it.
Fearless
I hear you. I have been gifted with some profound and life-changing insights since finding BR, and feeling satisfied with the knowledge that next time I will do it differently … but not actually doing anything to make a ‘next time’ happen – feeling proud of my new theoretical knowledge, but quietly avoiding putting it into practice.
One of the best insights I’ve had (thanks Nat) is that major change is made up of many smaller changes, day after day. Yes it may be kicked off by the big, dramatic denouement of the EUM relationship but if we think that all we have to do is ‘exit stage left’ and life will suddenly be peachy we will find we are just getting rid of the manifestation of the problem (the EUM) and not the problem itself (our own issues).
When I have had periods of low mood I have found it very useful to end the day by writing down 3 good things that have happened that day. It actually makes me pursue good things so I have something to write about?! Now I’m going to change it and ask myself ‘what have I done differently today?’ to both push and reward myself for making small changes even if they are uncomfortable. In fact, especially if they are uncomfortable!!
Fearless – thats exactly my problem!
I keep on saying that im going to do everything differently – next time i wont sleep with them so soon, im going to get a life, i wont be so needy, i wont sit and wait by the phone, if theyre unavailable il bolt… but i never do.
today i told myself to get up and do something with my day off, guess what? im sat waiting for a phonecall, il do something some other time… why!! procrastination is my middle name also =(
give me strength!! xx
I’m right there with you on procrastination Fearless – I’m doing it right now as I busy myself responding to comments when I’ve also got some stuff burning to be done. *snigger* I think using BR as a cushion is something that most go through at some point but you’re too much of a realist to be a regular cushion hugger. Even if you have a day where you drown in the detail of the relationshit, you bring yourself back to base. You *are* learning and you’re also a wealth of knowledge, inspiration, and support. What you do need to do is a bit more compassionate to yourself while at the same time, smack yourself on the arse and push out of your comfort zone. You’ll still come here and we’ll still *be* here, but trust yourself to live and apply what you’ve learned and dare to try again. You cannot know what’s out there if you’re not out there.
Change in mindset is the most difficult thing to do. I am a very brave risk taker in all the important things in life, financial, occupational, relational etc… (I’m not talking about jumping out of airplanes). And I haven’t often made a bad choice except when it comes to men and I would have to say all of them have been bad. I’ve come to realize thru reading BR that it is my need for instant gratification, last chance saloon thinking, thinking I can handle a ‘bad’ boy cause I’m so tough with all my other risk taking, not wanting to ‘judge’ when I need to be, not considering that the heart(my heart) is fragile and needs to be taken care of and on and on and on, that has had me stuck in the bad relationship zone. Whew… I’m not ready to date yet but I am happy and having a good time. Some wonderful things have happened for me lately thru changes I’ve made that caused these things to happen. And I’m afraid to admit this but I dont want some azzclown coming along and ruining my happiness, I know in my head that this is in my control but my heart doesnt see it that way..YET…
Change has been on my mind lately so I was happy to see this post. The last time I dated someone was two years ago. My pattern always was with the guys hot out the gate, then weeks later I didnt exist, or I would seem like an annoyance. When I discovered your site, it was perfectly explained, a peice of the puzzle to link up towards a healthy sense of self. Years later… Now 30, am still on a journey towards making my life as lovely as possible internally and externally. I havent been focused on a relationship because I realized what I needed first, then the rest will follow. Over the years ive distracted myself with drama, that I never was able to truly go through a healing process, the big one was denial, by no fault of my own, but just like dating is a discovery phase, so is the healing process. As of recently, ive been cememting some changes…that while uncomfortable, know they will be worth while, ultimately its finding what your truth is, and following that path.
This is so true. Part of it is the fear of the unknown (sometimes it’s easier to wallow in a pain that we know, than to risk an unfamiliar pain). My solution was to totally take myself off the dating circuit until I was ready to try again with my new habits and outlook. Change needs time to take hold. Despite not being “with” anybody, I felt a great deal of freedom. My first attempt at dating was more like an experiment of “how well I can do this now that I’ve learned so much about myself, and what I want.” It was just a pure experiment. I dated a nice guy (how many nice guys did I push away ((many)). I was super aware of potential “red flags” and I pushed myself to be “emotionally available.” It just so happened that I didn’t find any red flags, and now we’ll celebrate our second anniversary in June 🙂 I married at age 44. There are always opportunities. What I discovered that positive people ATTRACT positive people. I never had a problem dating (even in my 40’s), but here I am now…..a happily married woman. I think that having experienced the bad, makes me always appreciate how deliciously dull my life is….and thanks for all your help Nat. You’re the best.
What a wonderful expression ‘deliciously dull’. Having had an exciting, drama-filled painful and damaging affair I think deliciously dull is a lovely place to be. It just took me a while to realise it!
Natalie,
As usual I just love how you have a knack of expressing the most complicated (in my confused mind) thoughts with such clarity. Change requires change? Duh! Count me as guilty. I thought once I booted the cheating MM to the curb and stayed NC, my life would be “easy peasy”. Don’t get me wrong, my life is much, much better and I’m so grateful to you and the BR community for that. I’d always now chose being single rather than a cheating OW or doormat FBG. But, I now have to do something more? No shazaam? Duh! That nailed it for me. I’m feeling stuck and having last chance saloon thoughts because I subconsciously thought off-loading the MM baggage and coming to some peace with my daddy issues was all it took, even though those were a big steps, there’s more. For me, this also seems like another case of getting my actions to match my words, again. If I want something, I’m going to have to do something. I think 2012 is going to be a year of embracing change. Change going on around me that I cannot control and change within me that I can control, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Congratulations on the alarm clock change. It’s also nice to see how, despite the wonderful obligations of raising two young kids, a relationship, and an amazing career, you manage to take care of yourself. Another big reminder for me. I’ll bet you look gorgeous in any wedding dress. Are we going to get to see pics? That’ll be undeniable proof change is possible. Even Wonderwoman deserves a trip to Anthropologie and a moment to breathe! Don’t forget to breathe and totally enjoy trying on those wedding dresses even the one that look stupid…those are the best! I don’t suppose we’ll get to see pics of the stupid ones???
Very inspirational post…Thank you…
Change….Man do I need Change!
Weird how I was just thinking that late last night,and poof,here was the lesson!
I have outed myself about my Compulsive Gambling previous on here.
I have come to realize that Until I start to change some awful behaviours,I will never be truly happy.
I am not wanting to meet anyone,I am not ready,I have not done enough changing,enough healing,enough loving Brenda.
I cried alot lastnight,blaming God AGAIN,blaming Brenda Again,as to why I am the way I am.
I make the choice to be where I want to be,I can either change,or stay stuck.
The Gambling made me live in a fantasy world,where I didnt have to hurt,or think about things.I could escape,But doing the act,and hanging around with others that do the same,while they are good people,they will never allow me to change,
So I need to let go of those people who do not contribute to a well being of myself.I need to change how I think,How I act and react,How to be able to see that I can lead a great life….
Brenda
Thank you for another excellent article Natalie, and thanks everyone for posting; I continue to find myself relating to some of your words.
Oh, yes change….
I am at the point now where I am just trying to deal with the discomfort of being out of my comfort zone, and it feels non-stop for the most part; I have a great deal of free floating anxiety at times, some moments are body-stopping, but most moments are just a constant uneasiness.
I usually feel this way in the morning as I contemplate the actions that I need to take that day, and right before I take the action, and when I transition to another action…the most uncomfortable…yes, the full blown anxiety attacks that I get sometimes as soon as I awaken….and while ruminating about the past and the unknown future…not good for me to do….
But, I usually feel better once I get started on some of the tasks, but others…sometimes I feel overwhelmed the whole time, so I either just try to keep plugging away, breathe, listen to some music, or…, and breaks seem to help.
And, I have these great highs where I am so proud of myself…, or when the endorphines kick in while I’m exercising, love that…, or when I am just really enjoying the moment as when I am singing in church…and I also have these great boring moments and peaceful moments…it is definitely getting better….
I think I experienced a significant shift after putting in so much constant, every day, every minute work that I thought I was doing on my entire being, and becoming soooo frustrated with how looooooooooong it was taking to see results (not to mention, my belly doesn’t seem to be going down much), so I decided, sheesh, I mine as well just start living, and doing some things that I enjoy while I’m waiting on these changes to kick in, and while I’m at it, if I have to do all of this stuff to overcome my codependent ways, I need to make this process more enjoyable, so I decided to …, and …, and…–imagine that 🙂 🙂
Blueskysandsunshine
Excuse errors. Am sending from mobile phone. Just want to say that you expressed my thoughts way better than I did! Thanks for your comment I liked it v much and I will definitel do your list of three at the end of every day starting from Monday. Great idea. Iwill start straight away with changes I have made- ,even if that is getting to bed on time to get eight hours sleep!. ,thanks v much for your very wise and accurate assessment of exactly what I was trying to say. All the best.
After spending New Years Eve, on my own, miserably drunk and semi-catatonic.. 🙂 … I vowed to myself ‘things are going to change around here’.
For years I have had all these nasty habits such that I have been attracting the totally wrong people for me.
The exAC began with me hot in pursuit with proclamations of ‘I love you’ and ‘I have never met anyone like you/felt this way before’ etc etc etc. Bullshit. Lukewarm eventually set in…followed by cold…followed by cruel.
Anyhow after I gathered my ‘balls’ enough to put an end to it myself (clearly he wasn’t going to) I was broken.
This year I want change. I have been doing a number a positive things for me. I’m starting to take an interest in personal style again (I used to love clothes and make-up before the exAC but his sly comments had me believing that I didn’t know how to dress myself or put on make-up properly- so I stopped bothering..).
There are changes however that are more challenging than the rest. There is this guy that has asked me out. He seems ‘nice’. Always speaks to me with respect.
I remember when the exAC used to ask me out and I’d say ‘no’ (I was initially wary of him-I got this irresponsible flake vibe from him that I was not interested in- what happened??.. 🙂 ) he’d continue to pressure me even if I had important obligations elsewhere. When we were together he rarely accepted ‘no’ for an answer. The predominant feeling of that relationship was pressure -> which in turn led to great insecurity and resentment.
With this new guy he immediately accepts my reasons and waits for me to bring up the subject of going out together again. Boundary asserted and respected.
I’m just afraid I won’t like this ‘nice’ guy as much because he’s ‘nice’. It’s like I’m a masochist or get a kick out of being disrespected or something. I feel like a freak.
How do you overcome this? Should I give this a shot?
I mean this new guy seems funny, he has his life together, is committed to his job, isn’t a party animal/binge drinker/attention seeker..but it’s not that..
I just get the impression that he’s not the kind of guy to mess about a woman.
How do I make the change to get out of ACville but not only to get out of it….to be happy about being out of it?
xxx
Sunset
Take this with a pinch off salt, bearing in mind that I haven’t been on a date in over five years so I may be over-cautious (you don’t say!).
I think it may be too early for you to start dating again. How long has it been since the breakup? It sounds recent and still quite raw.
I think it’s hard on a new person (and on you) when you’re still carrying the ghost of relationship past. You keep comparing him to the last guy (favourably or not) . I know I wouldn’t like it if a man I was seeing was keeping a running tally of “Compared to my ex, Grace is better at x, but worse at y, about the same in z .” We’d all like the basic respect of being taken on our own merits.
I know people can move into good relationships while still not being 100% (are we ever 100%). It would take a lot of honesty, trust and work on both sides (and by work I don’t mean putting up with BS).
I’m slightly wary that you may be assuming too much about the new guy. Just because a guy is quiet, shy even, and doesn’t behave like a show-off, it doesn’t necessarily make him good relationship material or, more subtly, right for you.
You may very not like him because he’s nice. We got into the habit of associating drama, butterflies, ups and downs with love. I don’t doubt it has its excitement (no-one wants to watch a tv soap where everyone gets on and has no secrets) but it’s not sustainable.
I guess all of that is quite airy-fairy. My no.1 advice to you is Don’t Hide. Don’t hide your feelings, don’t hide your vulnerability, don’t hide from him, don’t hide from other people, don’t hide from the truth.
You’ve done really well to cut off the AC. A journey of a 1000 miles begins with that one step. Courage!
Thank you for your response grace,
It has been a quite a few months now. I think deep down in my heart I know you are right..it is too early for me to date. But I really badly want to. I’m so so pulling my hair out frustrated. I’ve been asked out on a number of dates since I cut off the exAC and I feel opportunities are just slipping past me. Of course the exAC wasted no time..within a matter of days he was arranging drinks with some girl openly on Facebook (I suspect he has quite the narcissistic harem). He knew I didn’t want to break up (I had no choice)..it felt like a slap in the face and humiliating. Regardless, that instance further legitimized my decision to break things off and not bother with his ass again.
However for me I have not take up any offers for dates. I’ve found myself completely not attracted anyone. Not because he was so great or because I still find him attractive. I just don’t. I’ve had a few snogs in the clubs but found myself trying to fight back tears during each one. So I stopped doing that. Who wants to kiss a girl about to fall into hysterics?
I do wonder about this current ‘nice’ guy..the other day I felt a pang that I might genuinely ‘like’ him. It was only brief feeling and maybe not the same but it felt good to have even that one little moment of feeling something for someone.
But I’m still pretty messed up I don’t know what I should do. Maybe more time. Even the thought of getting naked with someone else again is too much. I’m too scared to make myself vulnerable to comments and rejection. I’ve never been so shy and self-conscious.
Anyway I’m rambling.
Sigh.
Sunset,
Relax. What’s the rush? ” I feel opportunities are just slipping past me”. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready–there’s nothing wrong with that. Who cares what the ex is doing, and besides, if he’s posting it on fb there’s a good chance he’s doing it to get to you.
Take the pressure off yourself when it comes to dating and just focus on yourself and on enjoying your life, hobbies, work, etc. There are lots of guys out there, you’re not missing out on anything by taking some time out to heal.
If you do want to explore things with this nice guy, then spend some time with him and see how you feel–you can always take it *really* slow…. a few meet ups don’t have to turn into anything more if you’re not ready or it turns out that you’re not interested.
this has happened to me, too, after ending (having been forced to end) things with the ex-ac: whenever i would find myself getting close to someone, i started bawling! and i’d go on bawling, too, on the date, and blame it all on something else. the poor guys.
why?
vivien
I’ve not even dated this guy I like that I’ve spoken to a grand total of two times. I too have found myself bawling (at least in the privacy of my own home). I don’t know why either. It may be pre-emptive – I’m already thinking it will go wrong.
You’re not alone.
with me, i think i do it because i feel sorry for the guys, because:
1. i know i am not ready to date yet; and/or:
2. i still want someone who treats me badly, and can’t handle someone who treats me well and wants to be with me.
still, why? i thought my self-esteem is o.k.! could i have low self-esteem only when it comes to guys?
natalie?
Thank you again for this post. Coming in January is perfect timing for this theme. Procrastination is often just fear I find. It’s horrible to see but most of us are afraid of change. All that trust and optimism we had as children got bashed to bits. I hope that this year we can manage to be half as hopeful and positive as we were as children again.
I love the change one thing philosophy.
Change one thing until it becomes a habit, then change one more thing. It takes a few weeks sometimes to make something a habit but I find this a lot easier than the prospect of changing five things at a time.
Sunset, don’t assume anything about this new guy. He may be different in a good way from your previous men and that’s great but make sure that you ask questions and find out what he’s really about and if he wants a relationship. I made this mistake with my last one of thinking that because this man was sooo different from the others that this meant that he wouldn’t mess me about and that because he turned up and called consistently that this meant that he was into relationships. Unfortunately I left it a long time to ask questions (when he behaved strangely six months into it) and I turned out to be completely wrong about him.
Oh and Natalie, way to get the BF to cook!! Master Chef!! You should call him Master Chauffeur, too!! Maybe he can drop off/pick up the girls??!! Eh?!! Hee hee!!
thank you again for your great posts. The change is slowly coming to me as a different mindset. I was really panicking at times about all the things that need to get sorted out and my ex EUM is unwilling to do so. As in the house we own. Now even auctioning it doesnt scare me, he doesnt have a hold on me or my future. The time schedule you have is a bit like mine, it works great as a distraction. I have a fulltime job, 7 year old kid and study. Ah did i mention also a horse 😉 well but its great at the same time cause it makes me realize what is important to me and i do all of this with my full attention and love. But no way am i gonna go dating again yet, wouldnt trust myself with that enough yet. I have read a great article during studying aswell which also helped me understand a lot about some people. Its the 6 stages of moral development by Kohlberg. It really shocked me that there is a huge percentage of people that are over 30 and are not even at the last two tages of moral development. Somehow I kind of expected this of people in their 30s to be fully developed in this sense, but there seams to be nearly 40% that arent!
As of late, I’ve been finding myself having to have to power through my own negative beliefs and inner chatter to keep on the path I’ve set for myself. Change has been hard, and this is only Day 15, but I just keep telling myself “I won’t be defeated, I won’t be defeated”. In my case I’m working to lose some weight, and a good friend of mine said, “Dee-Dee you are the most determined person I know. If you are fat it’s because you want to be.” I was blown and I asked her what she meant. She said, “When it comes to chasing down a man you are the best, you wont quit, even when you should–if you put a quarter of the energy you put in to guys into yourself you would meet all of your goals.” She was right. So here I am today with a clear goal in mind. Focusing on myself and making change, little by little.
Well put as always, NML. I know discovering this blog and you has changed profoundly changed me. Change is good.
This is exactly what I needed to here. I’m having so much trouble with no contact and the change that is coming with me putting myself first. And it doesn’t help that MM AC has contacted me saying sorry he effed up, that he’s “not perfect” (boy don’t I know it) and that he still considers me a “friend” and cares about me. I just have to remind myself his form of caring about me was honestly the worst behavior I’ve ever put up with in my entire adult life. I think he’s just trying to feel better about himself. I don’t know. I’m having a hard time in other areas of my life and unfortunately that makes sticking to this new, uncomfortable change harder than it should be. I don’t even WANT him anymore or want to be with him, the only thing I would end up doing is going off on him which wouldn’t solve anything. I just want him to hurt like he’s hurt me. I’m trying SO hard not to tell him all about himself… I just don’t understand how these men can treat people so cruelly and go on about their merry littles lives. I know I have problems. I KNOW this isn’t even about him, all this hurt I have, but he certainly came along and tried benefitting from it for as long as he could without any regard to me.
So it’s been a hard end of the week for me. I experienced a rejection from someone else close in my life that ended up with me just breaking down bawling about everything I feel inside… And I’ve just been wanting to lash out at MM AC because he’s an easy target. I really go from indifferent to anger at him. I hope this is part of the healing process because someday I just want to NOT THINK ABOUT HIM AT ALL.
Limmerence,
Do whatever you can to stay NC. Have you read Nat’s post about the “I’m sorry line” meaning hurry up and get over it and let’s get back to how things were. Of course he is trying to get you to pump him up. He’s a lying cheater trying to get you to make him feel better about himself. I got the “I’m just so screwed up” line too. Just remember, he’s not so sorry that he’d make a decision and make the necessary changes. Natalie has a great article something to the effect of “I Miss You but I’m But I’m Not Doing Anything to Get Back With You”. It really helped me when I got those lame-assed messages. Topline: He’s Married with a big red circle around it. I’m a year out since the second to the last break-up with the exMM and 6 months total NC and it is finally getting better. I was bloody angry too. Anger is part of the grieving process. I dealt with my anger through writing the longest UNSENT letter in history, posting comments on this blog (thank you all for listening & responding), scrubbing my tile grout, and crying a river of tears. Natalie’s UNSENT letter guidelines are extremely helpful and additionally helped me to get some peace around my daddy issues as well.
I’m going through some difficult changes in my life now as well. It would be nice to talk with him because he went through similar experiences the last year we were together. But, he went through the experiences with his wife, not me. And he couldn’t actally be here with me (other than texts/phone which wouldn’t cut it this time) because he has a wife. Yours can’t really be there for you either because, well, he has a wife.
Your exMM is “staying in his comfort zone and trying to find an easy route” just like Nat says. Don’t let him. For me, that meant I had to get out of my uncomfortable comfortable zone and bolt, lock, and seal shut the door. That mean’t I had to make a decision and make changes such as deleting/blocking him. The reward has been rebuilding myself esteem which wasn’t an instant reward and I’m not totally there but there is a difference. You can do it too! Hugs. I know it hurts but doesn’t it hurt worse to be an OW?
Thank you so much! Before finding this amazing blog I lived in isolation with all this crap. Couldn’t tell anyone I was seeing him since he’s married… just felt like crap all the time and held on tight to his lies and future-faking. Unfortunately we work together and he’s sending stuff like “Oh, I never wanted it to be like this…” “I hate how we are right now… I still care about you so much…” “I don’t know what I did to make you hate me so much…” “I’m sorry for hurting you and pissing you off…” (LOL he’s sorry for hurting me, yet he doesn’t know what he did to hurt me…. OKAY!!!) – it honestly just makes me ever angrier! I’m not here in life to teach him why he isn’t a decent person or why his actions have been hurtful. Oh and he had to take four days off work last week to try and figure out what he was doing in his life and guess what? He didn’t find any answers. What a loser. He must really miss me being a shoulder to lean on as he bemoans all about his life.
I don’t think his ego can stand the fact that I’m done and not fawning over him. I’m not even really thinking about him much and even when he sends stuff I don’t really care. I have bad days but I have far more good days. Being the OW was the most hurtful, degrading, devaluing experience of my life. I ended up on anxiety medicine that I no longer have to take since ending it. It’s crazy how it can physically and mentally make you sick.
BTW, I was only the OW for a month and a half in summer (then he cut all contact with me as punishment for three months. Unfortunately during those three months I spent the entire time invested deeply in him, sending him texts all the time that I missed him and was here for him and just wanted him back in my life in any capacity and generally not using it as an opportunity to see that it was a horrible situation) then this second go around lasted two months. And that’s how quickly it made me so sick I was going to the doctors with anxiety and panic attacks. I can’t imagine playing this game for years.
Limerence No More and runnergirl,
Just wanted to say thanks for your posts here (and to everyone, I read ALL of them!) You two ladies just spoke to how I’m feeling lately, I’m so angry. Just like you say Limerence No More (I would just use “Limerence” but wanted to acknowledge that you added NO MORE! 😉 ) it’s enraging that these EUMs/ACs can do things, act like they don’t know why they hurt us, and then we suffer while they go on their with their lives just fine. Or at least it seems. I’m definetely struggling right now to let go of wondering if he’s hurting, I don’t care and quite frankly he’s so selfish I’m sure he’s just fine, at least to HIS standards, which isn’t saying much. The guy is an out and out WORM! My apologies to actual worms, as they are not even as low as this guy. Anyway as you can probably tell, I’m angry, but don’t want to get carried away. Want to focus on ME and my strengths and why I love myself! 😉 I just really wanted to say that it’s such a beam of light when I remember I’m not alone in this. Thank you, and love to all here! 🙂
Dee-Dee; that was an eye-opener. If I put a quarter of the energy I put into my love for others into working on myself; I´d get far.
I vowed that I was going to change … and got through Xmas and New Years and 2 months NC. Hard but I did it.
Extreme circumstances but I broke it last week. I was in hospital for 5 days and send the EUM a text right after major abdominal surgery in my morphine state. Very questionable I know ( cringe ) , and he would have found out anyway via mutual friends. He rallied around, came to visit me, called every night last week and came over to my house at the weekend bringing food , doing washing etc . I know that I played the sympathy card and wanted attention and know that I should be concentrating on healing ….
I’m trying not to overthink and take steps backwards, but I know that I am going to get let down again … it doesn’t mean he wants be back…
I live on my own without family in the UK and have lots of lovely friends who have been providing support – I am lucky.
Why can’t I get it though my thick head that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me and just leave things well alone …
I feel like I’ve had a bit of a setback the past couple of days. Some information about my ex MM and his current exploits has kinda thrown me. He’s basically openly been hanging all over (chancing his luck basically) with another local musician, who I have to say is literally half his age. Again we are both musicians with many mutual friends (its a small world after all) and this got back to me.
I feel so angry I cannot tell you. I lay awake last night honestly thinking of ways to get back at him, knowing I wouldn’t really undertake any sort of revenge but I just can’t believe that he’s already carrying on with someone else as he did with me.
I’m just so full of utter hatred for him and I’m not really sure how to handle it. I’ve had moments where I’ve thought, oh stuff it, he’s an assclown and anyone is welcome to him, but I just cannot believe he put me through months of promises that we were in love yada yada and now he’s almost trying to do the exact same thing with someone else, in a matter of weeks, and he knows I’ll find out about it!
As for change, I think I have to see this as a significant moment where I see him for what he really now is, and stop thinking about the good times, or that he’s this great guy (which he is excellent at portraying I have to say) and face the painful truth that he’s manipulative, cunning and cruel asshole who isn’t afraid to say and do anything in order to get what he wants.
I just thought I was getting there, having been through 4 weeks of NC now, but this news has taken me back a few steps and knocked my confidence.
🙁
xxx
Fresh Start,
Let me just say if I could hug you, I would. And I wish I had read this closer to your posting date, I do hope you get this reply!
It happens so often here that we all read what sounds like our very own scenario, and as much as I wish we all weren’t going through this pain, I feel like a huge weight lifted each time I read that someone else feels what I’m feeling and is going through what I’m going through. I hate to use “misery loves company” because it’s so much more meaningful than that here on BR, as we are all here to heal and move forward in a positive way. So I hope what I have to say helps to lift some of the weight you are feeling in terms of your pain.
For me, the AC and I really had no mutual friends. He never introduced me to any of his friends…because they were mostly all women and he was sleeping with all of them. He kept me hidden, yet he was such a great liar and manipulator that somehow I felt the crumbs he fed me were enough proof I was out in the open. (my own denial). So my risk of hearing about what he’s doing and/or seeing him is minimal. But I fear when the day comes I’ll hear or see something I don’t want to. I have been there before with other ACs. I hope you are doing better today, I understand that pain.
I too lie awake some nights allowing the flood of flashbacks to come, the good memories and now the reality of what he did and who he is. I get enraged. Like clenching teeth want to scream and punch something. Then come the memories of how he rotated me out of his life. MORE ANGER. He made me promises I was the only one, that he would support me through this hard time, all the while keeping up his harem. I realize now that he never DIDN’T have the harem, maybe there were lulls in the activity, the down time to put in just enough time with me to create the illusion. But when things got tough, he strung me along until I found out more and more, and by then I was more of a liability for him than worth caring about anymore. You put it so well, these are the moments I’m realizing the “painful truth that he’s a manipulative, cunning and cruel asshole who isn’t afraid to say and do anything in order to get what he wants.”
Fresh Start,
After the first NC deal, he went full throttle into pursuing his “new” relationship. It stings that I’m grieving the loss, yet he replaced me before I was even “gone.” Imagining that he is telling her the same things he told me, making the same promises, telling the same lies, if I allow it to, it takes over me. I no longer existed, mattered. Even if he had her on retainer before we ended or had just met her, it still all meant he never once intended on coming through with his promises, nor did he really love me. Why? Because that’s who he is, he is out for himself only, and that’s who he was before I met him, and will be after. It threw my confidence into the deepest darkest place imaginable. I felt very small.
The pain and anger you are feeling is real, and you have to experience it. A book my counselor has me reading talks about the pain of living a life that goes against who you truly are vs. the pain of confronting the pain of change and uncertainty. Pain we feel when we go through changes that ultimately are GOOD for us, although painful, is cleaner, more freeing, and more pure pain. It has a purpose. We may not want to recognize it right now, but our authentic selves know it’s for the good. Comparable, living and staying in pain in hopes of an illusion coming true, or to try to win someone, isn’t clean, pure, or freeing, it almost feels dirty. If I had stayed because I wanted to live in the fantasy and believe he would live and die for me…I lived that for 6 months and was miserable the whole time. I questioned myself then as well, but in a different way than I am now.While I was with him, I was telling myself, YOU KNOW THIS ISN’T RIGHT. But I didn’t want to listen. Now not being with him, instead I’m hearing, YOU KNOW THIS IS RIGHT. I still don’t want to listen, 😉 but I am trying to more each day. It’s painful, but it’s clean pain that I know will go away.
You are right to feel pissed off and angry in my opinion. And at the same time, you ARE better off without him. Let whoever he is currently clinging too to escape from his own reality of who he really is deal with him. I hope the best for you and time WILL heal this pain, it will. Think of it as something to check off the list of potential painful moments, i.e. seeing your ex w/ someone else. DONE won’t have to relive that one! The list will get smaller, and will then disappear.
Thanks Nat for your comment about Mr Snatchback The Apology” (lol..loved that!) I knew he couldn’t POSSIBLY be in love with me, becayse he’s MARRIED!! But, my low self esteem and desparate need for his validation of crumbs (and trust me..it was CRUMBS!!) assisted my wanting to believe him. I know I’ll be okay..thank GOD for you NML and the other women on this site! Its so nice to know I’m not alone and I’m gaining more confidence by reading everyone’s (eerily similar) stories.
MOVEDUP – I have to tell you I loved what you just wrote “You cannot think your way out of a situation you did not think your way into.” So right! You gotta put in the work and CHANGE to see results!
Everyone on this site are brave and I’d say, this place has got to be one of those comfort places to go to where you can speak and feel like you are understood. And I’m so glad we don’t have rude people commenting. Maybe I just haven’t paid enough attention to all comments but as far as I have seen, it’s just all a bunch of good people trying to move on and make better of their lives.
I really wish all of us the best this new year because nobody deserves to be treated “just good enough” but extra ordinary special!!
Ps. Thanks Natalie for everything.
Really no words to express how much I appreciate what you do and I believe I speak for everyone who reads your blogs.
I get really excited every time I get an email notification about an update because it is so therapeutic to me. You have no idea how much difference you make in this world. Thank you 🙂
This is a very insightful article and quite true. One of your best posts to date! 🙂
Just what I needed to read at the moment.!Having broken out of a relationship that was doing me no good and feeling so much better, I’ve recently found myself starting to slip back into negative thinking and worrying that I’m going backwards again.
Reading this brilliant post has made me realise that I am more in control than I think and I can continue, little by little, to carry on making positive changes and not let the negative thoughts win as they have for so many years.
I shall re-read this each time I feel myself slipping back and feeling as though I’m feeling vulnerable to negative thinking and behaviour. Thank you so much as ever, Natalie.
After reading this (and keeping up with this website for several years), I finally cut ties with my EUM tonight. Four (4) years of waiting for him to “get over” his issues! I’m pained and haunted by the time I’ve wasted and my own bad judgement. I’m sad, hurt, and angry. Did I say four years? Four years spent in the orbit of someone who could care less about my feelings. The thing is, I’ve know all along…and take responsibility for my own contribution to my emotional mess. I finally got the balls to give voice to my own needs, and to let him know that I deserve honor, respect and love and that there is a future for me on the horizon. He is not the last man on earth. In spite of the tears, I’m proud of myself. There is more love somewhere. Thank you for this blog, and all those who post, they have kept me out of the deep end on more than one crappy day- and directly contributed to my ability to find courage and strength. How long before the pain ends? This is not the regular breakup routine….
I thank Natalie so very much for her book and this website. I have been done with my former Mr. Unavailable for 3 weeks today! This is not the first time I left him only to get back together doing the same old same old just a different day! Anyway, I have read this book 3 times….492+ pages and have learned something new each time about me and my patterns on the men I choose. This book is so enlightening and after reading it a first time, I thought Natalie was writing about me. It really baffled me that emotionally unavailable people are so predictable. Amen. I am taking a life skills class for which I graduated from the first program and now have recently entered Phase II. This program teaches you what healthy relationships of all kind look and feel like. Before that takes place you yourself have to get well and peel the layers of the onioion back to get to your authentic core. This program is painful all the realiziations, but also healing. I feel blessed to have stumbled on this site and have had the opportunity to read all your viewers comments….they are words of encouragement and strength. Best wishes to all of you beautiful women! Thank you Natalie, you are my wings!