Tags: afraid of commitment, Commitment, commitment resistance, the five stages of relationships, when you want more commitment
I hear from so many people who feel as if they’re breaking their backs trying to ‘get’ someone to commit. There’s a lot of angst about why the person won’t commit, often blaming themselves for that person’s resistance.
In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into the topic of commitment-resistance and why behaving as if we have to influence, coerce and force people into commitment is an ineffective habit that’s also a recipe for pain.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- If we see commitment as something that we need to influence, coerce, force somebody else into doing, we’re setting ourselves up for pain. It also makes how much someone is prepared to commit to something that’s dictated by our worth and effort.
- We make a commitment without knowing exactly who this person is going to blossom into, without knowing how our relationship is going to shift and grow (or not grow), and without knowing what the future holds for us personally.
- Commitment starts with the decision to do something, to try, but then we’ve got to keep showing up to the decision again and again. It’s a decision that we keep re-making with the actions, choices and attitude every day.
- Undercover commitment dodgers appear to give outward signs of wanting to commit but they passive-aggressively resist it.
- Sometimes we find it difficult to acknowledge that we’re with a commitment-resistant person, but the clue is how much we’re pussy-footing around. What are we afraid to ask? Which subjects are we afraid to broach? Where do we fear being and doing certain things in case it causes them to bolt?
When the relationship is in jeopardy, a commitment-resistant person will often suddenly feel invested and want to fight to get us back. They’ll promise the sun, moon and the stars… and then backtrack to their original position.
- Imagine relationships on a scale of 0-10. Emotionally unavailable and commitment-resistant folk like to keep the relationship at ‘five’. When things behave in ways that undermine the intimacy and whatever commitments have been made to bring it back to a ‘five’. Not too hot, not too cold, just ‘right’. This is the Status Quo of unavailable relationships.
- You want to feel when you’re with somebody that you have the option of going somewhere.
- An upfront commitment dodger will remind themselves (and you) that they were ‘honest’ with you. They see their warning as a Get Out of Jail Free card.
- Premature commitment is when we commit, not to the person or even the relationship but the idea of it. We don’t even know them yet (and possibly haven’t even met) and we’re already ‘in’.
Trying to commit to every single person you become involved with shows lack of discernment.
- Some people commit once they know that commitment isn’t on the table. Struggle activates their interest and desire to commit because they register an opportunity to people-please and be a perfectionist with their ‘efforting’.
- For some folks, titles (e.g. girlfriend, boyfriend, partner) are about claiming the other party. They’re effectively branding them to have power while giving themselves license to do what they like.
- Why do people say one thing and do another about commitment? Because they don’t want to see themselves as someone who isn’t capable of commitment or who has issues that are standing in the way. Pursuing the commitment (even though they later undermine it) is a way of avoiding addressing their issues.
If you’re pushing someone to commit, that’s a big clue that it’s not a mutual relationship or endeavour.
- Societal conditioning has a lot to answer for in our attitudes towards commitment. In the past, for example, the message was that men don’t want to commit and that commitment is something that they only do for the ‘right’ woman.
- A one-sided relationship commitment is like rowing a boat with one oar.
- If we meet somebody who has a similar personal vision for a relationship, that creates a shared vision for the relationship.
- Conscious commitment is about committing with integrity and based on your reasoning and values. It’s the difference between choosing based on preferences instead of programming. It’s vital to be aware of who you are, what you’re committing to and why. So many people pursue commitment because they think that it’s what they’re supposed to do, not because they want to. They do it because they think that it’s supposed to be what they want. That’s programming.
Links mentioned
- Dating anxiety and why efforts don’t equal outcomes (ep. 130)
- Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl
- Fear of sacrifice, loss, and being trapped (ep. 132)
- The 5 Stages of Relationships (ep. 123)
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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I think there’s a really key phrase you use which is ‘co-creation’. Twice now, I have been in a relationship where the ‘commitment’ was solely determined by my partners vision, timeline and rules. There was no room for me to contribute and influence how my life would play out – it was ‘commit to this incredibly specific thing at the time I want it, or don’t, and I will leave’. It resulted in me being labelled the non committer, despite being deeply committed to my partner in many other ways.
That is where a wish becomes blackmail, ultimatum or coercion.
My scenario was men aggressively demanding children (effective immediately!) within 1 yr and less long relationships (myself in my mid 20s, early 30s). Both these men went on to a next partner who was pregnant by 6 months in. I was never opposed to the subject of children, I just expressed it was not the time for me at those points (I was going into a final year of education, and then unemployed due to some health issues) and their approach concerned me.
If you are asking for a commitment that requires a partner to comply totally to you, that is a need for control not love, care and respect for your partner.
It’s not a need for control. It’s about knowing what you want and going after it. To me it seems that it is you who wanted to manipulate the relationship and string people along until you decided you no longer wanted them, after you had sufficiently used them and wasted their time. The fact that they told you they wanted children and quickly moved on to someone that wanted the same thing as them, shows that they knew exactly what they wanted and didn’t want to waste any time with someone who doesn’t want the same things as them. No one tried to coerce or control you, they simply told you what they wanted. And when you couldn’t give them what they wanted, they left. Why should they stay with someone who is not on the same page as them. And it’s not blackmail if someone doesn’t want to be with you because you want different things. You seem like a very manipulative, self-centered person who only wants things to go their way and thinks that their partners needs aren’t as important as theirs. I’m glad your partners were able to leave you and move on to someone who was able to give them the commitment they needed.
@ Sky I don’t know if Cheyann seems manipulative. It seems as if she was given an ultimatum by these men (an act of manipulation and control) and chose herself, just like those men chose themselves when they decided to move on. I don’t think Cheyan or the men were wrong. Completing your education and being sick are pretty reasonable cases to hold off on having a child. We don’t know if she was experiencing guilt and emotional manipulation by those men because she chose to say “not yet”. However, wanting a kid after 6 months…seems like these men wanted a kid more than they wanted a stable foundation and partnership. It seems as if Cheyan lucked out.
I think “co-creation” is key because co-creation means that you and your partner find a timeline that works for the both of you to have a child.
Sky, I take your point about how these men clearly had different needs to her and so, yes, they were incompatible. Yes, one could take the view that their behaviour wasn’t controlling, but that doesn’t mean that her behaviour was controlling or manipulative, either.
No one wants to be dictated to. Just as a man, for example, doesn’t want to be told, ‘Hey, I just met you, but I want a child pronto so make me pregnant in six months’, someone else doesn’t want to be put under pressure to become pregnant for someone they hardly know or when they are not in a position to do so. Relationships are co-created, and clearly, in both of her relationships, there was a difference in timelines.
I personally don’t ascribe to *any* person, man or woman, dictating when a woman becomes pregnant. There are some very real issues around women being used as incubators and our right to have agency over our bodies. I think it’s wonderful to want a child, but it’s even more wonderful if the person wanting the child wants the person who is going to carry the child (or father it).
Cheyan’s situations were unworkable ones. Her circumstances made that commitment, certainly from her side, difficult. They did indeed have a right to move on, but she also had a right not to embark on such a huge life decision when she was in her final year of education grappling with health issues and unemployed. I think there’s room for compassion for both parties in this situation, not *just* the men.
Hey Cheyan,
I totally get what you’re saying but I don’t think your partners were in the wrong either (judging from what you wrote).
It seems like these men knew exactly what they wanted from their partner/relationship, and your needs were significantly different at the time. It happens.
As a divorced, childless woman of 35 – I know what it means to know exactly what you want. I also make a point of not entertaining anyone who doesn’t share my relationship values / aspirations, or tries to waste my time.
I just hope you’re at peace with your decisions and don’t live to regret it because decent men who aren’t commitment shy are in scare supply these days.
Take this as a life lesson: do not engage in relationships with men who want / expect things that you can’t / you’re not ready to give them, e.g. children. You have every right to the kind of committed relationship you desire, but so do they.
I didn’t expect my comment to be so polarising, and I won’t go into detailed specifics, but there is of course much more to the scenarios than I mention which informed my views – which I don’t mention as it is private. I just hoped to share my ‘lesson learnt’ so others do not go through the same pain I did. Especially as it was very difficult for me as I struggle with boundaries, like many reforming people pleasers. Perhaps not as clearly communicated as I’d hoped! Apologies for that.
I realise that to some it also may appear that I had judged or rejected the type of person they were/are looking for – but they overall didn’t treat me as I wanted to be treated, commitment ready or not, and that’s an ok reason to end a relationship too.
In terms of lessons learnt I think it showed a difference of approach to relationships i wasn’t aware existed at that stage in my life – I am very much want the person, partnership and life first, children/no children is absolutely flexible. A viewpoint as a woman, I sadly receive consistent judgement/comment for.
I think I had just assumed as a young adult the above was how men approached relationships, being that the cultural narrative was women were the pro kids gender- but I do realise now that this is not always the case. Something I consider now in dating.
Anyway, I hope all the best for everyone in their search for happiness – whatever shape or form it looks like.
“When the relationship is in jeopardy, a commitment-resistant person will often suddenly feel invested and want to fight to get us back. They’ll promise the sun, moon and the stars… and then backtrack to their original position”……this clearly shows they have issues about committing that they need to address.
Natalie, I love the image above. Question: is it really not possible to just stay in the middle consistently with a guy? I’m not looking for super casual nor am I looking for super monogamous, in each other’s face all the time relationship. I guess a serial companion with occasional sex. Is this real or just an illusion, a dream? I’ve not been successful and i’m trying to sort within me if I truly crave a committed relationship but unwilling to admit to myself. I don’t know how to really tell and that bothers me. Almost as if i’m unwilling to feel the pain of defeat whenever I have attempted a real relationship years ago that my body and mind just full on reject the notion…thinking i’ll be ok with crumbs so that I can focus on my work only to feel some kind a way when they don’t come back consistently as I think that they would. I mean why not, right!? Why is it hard even to be sexually free and share and grow friendships where we’re open to possibilities but not the strings? Am I really longing for that which I fear and I keep trying to fit something else neatly into that bubble?