Talking to various people about struggles that they’re currently going through with family, there’s a recurring theme of being surprised that family that’s typically behaved in a screwy way is, you guessed it, behaving in their typical screwy way. I’ve been there. It’s this idea that loved ones whether they’re friends or family will put their drama and idiosyncratic ways on pause for long enough to help you out in your time of need or just to even give you the airtime to have your own moment. But that’s forgetting that they are who they are.
One particular friend is in serious dire straits and has had more help from complete strangers and friends than she has from her own relatives or as I wisecracked, the people she shares blood with or The Blood Bags, although I think she even doubts if they’d give her a blood transfusion right now.
It can be bewildering to find yourself being supported by people who don’t know you as well as those who have known you your entire life. It feels like a massive betrayal and it’s oh so easy to fall into the trap of feeling rejected but really, when people are being their typical selves and not changing, that’s nothing to do with rejection and everything to do with the habit of doing what they do. Yes it would be nice to think that going through strife and needing them to step up might inspire them to be the exception to their own rule of behaviour but it’s these pipe dreams that will keep setting you up for a fall. Each time we let those thoughts of being ‘not good enough to change our family’s behaviour’ cycle around, we end up hurting ourselves all over again when we could be interjecting and saying, ‘Woah! Hold up a second here! Such and such does _____ and ______! That hasn’t got a damn thing to do with me and my worth! It’s not about me!’
When we’re in these situations, we expect these people to step up because of what we’re going through but we forget that they won’t step up or that whatever they do might be in a way that might have us wanting to close Pandora’s box because of who they are and how they typically think and act. We get carried away with our situation and how we see things and what we would do and basically come up with what we hope or think that they ‘should’ do (especially the whole ‘Family should….’ mentality), and then feel hurt when they don’t live up to our hopes and expectations.
As I said to my friend, we forget that strangers and friends will help more than effed up family because effed up family are…say it with me… effed up. That’s not going to suddenly disappear because we’re going through a difficult time. And you know, it can feel like another abandonment but unlike when we’re children, we can have our own backs now so it’s even more important not to abandon ourselves off the back of our perception of their behaviour.
There are so many of us who carry shame over our family not living up to some sort of Brady Bunch ideal. It’s the comparison problem – judging ourselves and others and estimating that we don’t measure up. Sure there are people out there who have really strong family units and don’t have all sorts of asscrackery and Dynasty levels of drama going down, from this one not speaking to that one, verbal abuse, inability to have a difference of opinion without it being handbags at dawn, to hypercritical mothers that ride your arse like Zorro over every little thing, to nobody being allowed to talk about the addiction white elephant in the room, to freezing out if you speak out about that abuse that happened and the list goes on, but actually, lots of people don’t get on with one or both parents or just don’t have a family that meets some gold standard that you may be holding yourself to and beating yourself up over. Really. And actually, even families that I’ve thought were perfect are anything but, after all, they’re only humans.
If your family is far from perfect and in fact brings you pain, take some comfort in knowing that you’re far from being alone. It’s not a flaw that your family don’t live up to your hopes and expectations and it’s unfair to you if you’re viewing any inadequate parenting or less than stellar family relations as a reflection of your own inadequacies. As I said in my 36th birthday post, 35 taught me that the issues that run in families and the way in which individual family members behave is far bigger than us and it’s recognising that younger self within us that still wants approval, the fantasy, and for them to step up and do for us what they haven’t been able to do in the past, that can pave the way to peace within because when we stop pursuing these things and accept who they are instead of accepting faulty judgements against ourselves, we put our time and energy to better use. It doesn’t mean that we have to cut off family – it means that we have to recognise the limitations of those who typically tend to disappoint us and be boundaried, and that includes not putting ourselves in the position of being ‘child’ by expecting them to play ‘parent’ or authority.
Of course it hurts when family isn’t what you hoped it would be but I’ve learned from own experiences that when you’re not abandoning you in pursuit of some fantasy that would really only have its greatest benefit if you were having the opportunity to be a child all over again, you get to appreciate your family in a more realistic capacity while also knowing which people – the family you in essence choose for yourself – that you can rely on.
Your thoughts?
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Timely post Nat. I’m feeling pretty let down by my family at the moment. And have been having some old school rejection feelings kicking in. It’s not like me. I thought I’d put that to bed, but the last 4 months I’ve been through it & they’ve been uninterested. Everything you say here is spot on. I don’t know why I expect anything different from them. I also think because I distance myself from the bullshit & don’t normally let it get to me, they think I’m really strong & never need support of any kind. Thankfully, I’ve got people in my life who do give a shit & they’ve made me laugh when I should’ve been crying xx
This is perfect timing…..my mother and sister have forbidden me from being involved with a man who loves me and wants to be with me because they don’t like his past, he’s 53 I’m 43!!! I’m having to seek counselling on how best to deal with this….. My love or my family who think its ok to treat me like a child? It’s truly hideous having to conduct a relationship behind their backs for fear of what they might do to me if they find out!!! I sooo wish I could find some strength to deal with it and not let them hold so much power over me …..thank heavens for your site to keep me sane xxxx
Sarah,
Don’t allow them to treat you like a child when you’re a grown woman. If it’s not a healthy relationship, you’ll find out. Parents have to control the temptation to over protect. Making mistakes is part of learning.
Read Nat’s, “You are allowed to have Boundaries With Family”. Be a grown-up.
My god… My family is far from being perfect. My grandmother is a manipulative-obsessive-angry-know-it-all, my mother never achieved anything socially, like no job, no money, no friends + she’s physically violent (she actually tried to strangle me at some point, because I didn’t do as she saw fit), my father is an irresponsible artist wanabe and my extended family is just plain coward. BUT I still love them, weirdly enough. I keep away from them, but I wish them good. I even think all the drama and the trying-to-kill-your-daughter-because-she-has-an-opinion quite funny.
It went something like : “go to uni! – no, don’t want to! – ok, I’ll kill you. Literally. – well, who’ll go to uni then, mama?” I mean, what a better reason to kill someone?
Anyhow, I realized after the “event”, that my family was dysfunctionnal (really?). I felt so ashamed for such a long period of time. I was the duck in the swan pond. But, he, when I started to open up again, I saw that a loooooooooooot of families were like mine. And when I read about old time modus operandi – in novels, history books, etc., it conforts me! I could have been uneducated, unfed, without any teeth in my mouth, living in a super poor neighboorhood, been raped by my uncle and 14 brothers… Nop, I’m intelligent, going to uni (finally ;)), cute. I have friends. I live in a developed country. My family is crazy? Mah! Nobody should be so perfect ;)!
So timely…. Thank you Natalie for this post. It has taken me so long to come to terms with my normal on the outside crazy on the inside family. After reading this post, just like many others, I feel at peace knowing I am not alone out there. After reading your posts I always come away with the feeling that I am living my life the way it was meant to be, happy!
Lolrosie- In relationship therapy group, used to make jokes about incidents that were quite serious, such as my mother’s threatening suicide and blaming me and, yes, my dad’s leaving bruises around my neck. Humor helps us cope because some of these situations are so mind-boggling that it’s impossible for our brains to process what just happened here. I hope your in therapy, Lolrosie
I used to think that my youngest sister was so lucky, growing up with my father and her mother (my stepmother)… until I found out that he had 3 – yes, three – children with other women during their marriage. He was absent during some of her childhood too. None of my siblings have really had the luxury of growing up with him. I realise now that that’s probably a good thing. I also used to envy other families… until my friends and I grew up and they told me the real stories. It helped me realise that I wasn’t alone or “crazy”.
My family’s surname should be Crackerjacks. 😐
If this post isn’t perfect timing, I don’t know what is. Thank you for it.
Well stated & right on time! Thank you for sharing from your heart and experiences!
Natalie, Congrats on the TV pilot!!!!
The Brady Bunch/; American TV had many shows depicting family life including My Three Sons with a family happily existing without a wife/mother in the home. The Bradys were a modern family which par for the time, showed a woman and a man with children from prior relationships melding together, and as I recall, most of the plots involved the things the children were doing.
Yes, it was an ideal and sugar-coated version of that type of family – but why not strive for happiness? They had a nice home, dad was an architect, and they even had a funny housekeeper who kept things in order named Alice! The show also included family and social morals in each plot. (what an idea: respect, love, sharing, etc.)
Maybe when two families merge together they do make it! When my own mom and dad remarried other people I was sort-of pushed out and onto my own survival right out of high school- but I had craved and planned for my independence, so that wasn’t a problem.
We all have to deal with our families, and it is better to not have a strict stereotypical expectation of a “cookie cutter” perfect family. Thank goodness we had a movie about Stepford Wives, because the pressure on women to be that perfect did exist not too many years ago.
I survived my family, and I miss them all dearly even with all the imperfections. I don’t even mind that we didn’t have a funny housekeeper!!
Congrats again on the new and super success of Baggage Reclaim, and all the help you have given to us Nat! LOVE YOU!!!
And the thing is, you just can’t know what happens in someone else’s home behind closed doors. My family was so good at presenting a wonderful, and fake image of ourselves. Some people thought that we were just the model happy family. How was it really? What we hid — we were dealing with issues of mental illness, alcoholism and domestic violence. My dad, who appeared to be the kindest, most devoted father you could ever want — killed one of our dogs in a fit of rage — flew into a rage this one evening and kicked it down the stairs. Of course, we never told anyone this. My friends kept telling me that I was so lucky to have such a good, caring father. They wished that their own fathers could be like mine. I thought, “If you only knew.” My father was screaming at me one day, and my mother went around shutting the windows, yelling at us, “Don’t yell like that with the windows open! The neighbors will hear!” Yup. If you’re going to kill the dog, beat the kid, curse out spouse — at least close the damn windows first so the neighbors won’t hear it!
Ironically Nat, when the Brady bunch came out, I was a pre-teen (10) who, along with one brother, went to live with my dad, wife 2, and her kids. I’d watch this show and wonder why we weren’t like that. Imagine rather than the characters in the show, a druggie, promiscuous elder sister, an angry alcoholic step mom who never wanted us in the first place, alcoholic, distant, resentful, emotionally closed dad who hates moms pretenses at white middle class life, brutal hateful step bro who hates his siblings and sells drugs, traumatized younger sibs who came here from their moms home where she was chronically depressed, forbade socialization, and often couldn’t be bothered to clean or feed her kids. We were malnourished, our health ignored and had inadequate clothing. Lil stepsister (me) was darker, considered ugly, and was quickly put to work cleaning the house, cooking, doing laundry, ironing, eventually painting and yard work (which I actually liked doing). You had to show gratitude constantly and keep up the facade of ideal suburban life or else. Any opposition, real or imagined, was met with threats to send us back to abusive biological mom, against whom I’d testified in court at the ripe old age of nine. I am grateful for at least suddenly being fed, clothed, and getting medical/dental care. Maybe I should also thank them for being so awful as it made me strong and push me into going to college (I was a minor at graduation and college was my escape plan). However, my brother was very screwed up, not being a strong person, and this led to his eventual death. My dad acts as though my brother and that timenever existed. What I learned as a very young woman was to read eeverything you can get your hands on regarding alcoholic/abused/broken families, recognize the patterns, understand that you weren’t taught any nurturing skills, learn them from outside, and above all, don’t perpetuate the damned cycle!
This post is so on point. I have a crazy family and it seems the older we get,the crazier they become. I have learned that you have to live and let live and accept people for who they are.
I can remember sobbing as I watched the movie “Father Of The Bride” (with Steve Martin & Diane Keaton). Why?? Simply because I didn’t have the life & family relationships I was watching in this movie. It seemed perfect to me. Mind you, I was certainly not abused as a child……I always had everything I needed and felt safe. What I didn’t have was the tender nurturing & the softness. After being in therapy for several years I was sitting with a fairly new therapist who (after telling him about my childhood & my parents childhoods) looked at me and said “your parents just didn’t know any better”. EVERYTHING fell into place at that exact moment!! He hit the nail on the head. My Mom & Dad were raised by alcoholic parents so were never “taught” or even experienced the nurturing and softness that I so craved as a child. I realized quickly that my Mom & Dad did the best they could!! And they did a remarkable job raising me and my three siblings. So after my therapy appointment, I booked a flight home to see my parents. Had some great talks.
It took hearing the right thing at the right time for me.
My Mom passed away 6 years ago. I was with her. The final few weeks we talked about so much….bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it. She asked me if I would move from Nevada to Washington to keep an eye on my Dad after she was gone. Which I happily said “yes” to. So here I’ve been, living with my Dad since 2008. I’ve gotten to know him better than I ever thought possible. Wouldn’t change it for anything!!
xoxo
Jamie
“As I said in my 36th birthday post, 35 taught me that the issues that run in families and the way in which individual family members behave is far bigger than us and it’s recognising that younger self within us that still wants approval, the fantasy, and for them to step up and do for us what they haven’t been able to do in the past”
You nailed it. For the past 10 years my younger self, the girl who got stuck after her parents divorce, was the driving force behind all my choices and behind my thinking about myself and my family. Gaining perspective and being able to step away and see this lonely, scared little girl, and finally realize that she’s still a part of me but there’s an older, wiser, stronger women in me thats ready to lead my life, has really helped in my decision making process. When I think about my ex EUM and reaching out to him, I remember thats the little girl inside me looking for approval and validation. Or when I get mad that my family is not perfect the new me knows that it has nothing to do with me.
Im willing to change my life, but that doesn’t mean the people around me will.
Ps. Natalie – good luck with the pilot. That is so beyond exciting and I really hope it works out. You’ve already helped so many people, and through a new platform you can reach out to so many more.
My famy is tiresome, dramatic and boring. I ain’t got time for that shit. I have too many goals to make happen to get sidetracked by anyone’s nonsense, family or not.
I only have a limited time on this earth and I got shit to do.
Tanya Z,
Woah. Have you seen Buffalo 66? It’s my favorite movie and the most perfectly executed one that I know of. I think people dealing with the closed window family really get it and relate.
I had a similar situation as you.
I was always the one trying to get my family to “see” things by spelling out the dysfunction for them. They just poo-pooed it away.
In the outer workings of my family there was wealth, religion, politics and prestige, though the inner workings were a stagnant cesspool of racism, bigotry, verbal and domestic abuse, severe mental illness, rampant neglect, alcoholism, abortions, incest, violence, rage, heroine addiction, and animal cruelty.
But as long as the money flowed freely, it was all alright, unless you were me and constantly wriggling with the pain of the truth.
Interesting how I spelling ‘heroin’ as ‘heroine.’ In my family there are no shortage of Florences either.
Peanut, are you my long-lost sister? I too have spent most of my life trying to get my family to see their dysfunction, spelling it out for them. It’s been so useless. They just can’t, or don’t want to see it. They tell me that I’m the crazy one. Maybe I am — though not for the reasons that they think. WHY have I wasted so much time trying to make them understand when it is so obvious that they are unable or unwilling to? I’m like a dog that just keeps chewing this old, soggy, sorry bone, and won’t drop it.
What do you do when your logical mind recognizes that it’s past time to let something go…and yet your emotional mind just keeps going over and over and over it?
Tanya Z.,
Not too long ago my grandmother said to me, “You’re the problem.”
At the time I didn’t even give it too much thought as to how ridiculous of a thing it was to say!
I am too used to taking the blame in my family.
Over the past few months I have really distanced myself and said no to many, many family events. There was a bit of resistance at first, now they just accept it and don’t invite me, which is perfect.
I’d say the fact that you are here writing what you have been through shows that you’re on your way to leaving the trauma and drama.
What we’ve been through certainly leaves its mark, though not in a tainted way. It makes for some huge growth when we heal.
Last night at a house party this guy says to me, well, my family is kind of weird.
I had glanced at this post, so I said to him, isn’t everyone’s?
He was like, well, my grandparents were Nazis.
Okay, then. That beats my stories!
*Laughing (in slight horror)*
Oh Magnolia! That was a great story!!!!
Incidentally, somewhere there is a picture of my Nonna saluting Mussolini. She was a fascist at 19, and later admitted she didn’t know any better. But still….man.
I thought I was “in the clear” being an Italian. Lol. Guess not. We all have dancing skeletons in our closet. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) mine are loud, boisterous, Italian skeletons.
Oh, Magnolia!
Just goes to show you never know…
Jamie,
Physical affection, healthy touch, tenderness and softness from a family unit are all basic human needs. Of course you were hurting in its absence!
Condolences to you regarding your mum. How great and special it is that you had have these healing experience with your mom and continue to with your father.
Your therapist is right 🙂
Thank you Peanut!!
In reading the stories here I see that my situation as a child/adult could have been so much worse.
Thanks for your response as I truly enjoy reading your input…..you have a tremendous amount of insight and compassion.
xoxo
Jamie
This article couldn’t of been better timed than if you tried 😉 lol. Having a manipulative, control freak of a father!,one face in doors,another face outside. A passive mother that put’s up with my dad’s moods, like’s to put her head in the sand for a lot of things, because she hasn’t got the strength to deal with them. And a sister that thinks because she has a big house and doesn’t have to go out to work,but she is a mum,some how that equal’s her being better than me….hmmmm not quite sure how she came to that conclusion,go figure!:)She show’s half interest in me when it suits her, and if we were not sister’s, i’d doubt that we’d be friends hey ho x
Having followed Nat’s articles, and response posts for quite a while now, I have observed that a large amount of people who post came here with heart wrenching dysfunctional relationships. We want to know, what just happened, why did I go along with it, why did I turn a blind eye, and ultimately we need to examine what was our deeper need. After a few posts many share that, in fact, they had unhappy childhoods. Their father an alcoholic, their mother a narcissist…and more and more this new generation, and the younger generation are being raised without a functional family. Boys (and girls) more and more are being raised financially by their governments, and emotionally by a single mother who is dependent on their own mother. And these children do not have role models, particularly boys, who do not see a daily committed man/father/husband taking loving care of their mother. Children seeing their own families and the media heavy sex presentations are being brainwashed that a woman is a sex object. And women are not taking steps to ensure family security and futures, but instead are having casual sexual contacts in lieu of relationships. And so our children are rebelling against government, religious institutions, school, and family authority and respect and are growing up selfish, self indulged people. I see the current boys as very entitled. There is no concern for family, community, or the greater good of a nation. Our personal families may have their issues and weaknesses, there may be addicts and mental illness, but let us look at ourselves as an individual and say, we can not control others, but I will be a kind giving person to myself and others. It has to start somewhere, because families and relationships are in trouble.
Very well written. Thank you for sharing.
I once saw a nature show about delinquent teen elephants. The males of the species have been taken away by ivory poachers, so it left all these “single elephant mothers”…and the teen male elephants were rebellious, destructive, and promicuous.
Yes…it is a slippery slope..we are living it.
Simple pleasures
Men living the dominant culture lifestyle weren’t there for their kids from about the 40s onward. Even then, men in some socioeconomic levels routinely abandoned their families. Men were the providers and that was all. Divorce, and he’d recruit a new mommy. The onset of the nuclear (as in the bomb) family has done more to ruin families, lead to the abandonment of both the old and the young, not to mention the destruction of community. In such a setting, the entire burden of child rearing/nurturing/role modelling is on one person, the mother. No women relatives to help, no good male role models to set an example. Impossible to keep track of multiple kids, all the time. As an educator, I see lots of entitled, lots of the already destroyed, lots of the very immature with little life or social skills. In a nuclear family, all the bad shite that goes on behind closed doors builds to intolerable levels and the child has no safe place to go, no one safe to tell. No wonder they are addicted, promiscuous, damaged. Some are resilient and bail but many repeat the same sick cycle. On the rez, everyone had responsibility for the kids, including showing by example and some discipline. It is not uncommon to have kids going thru a rough spot with the parents live with relatives for awhile. Getting caught doing drugs, drinking is brought up publicly to the community as is any child victimized either physically or sexually. A child has many mothers, many fathers. I wish all children could have that. I wish my own parents would’ve accepted their heritage, so I and my siblings could’ve had that.
It’s not about me/us – this is really the core issue. I don’t think I really understood and don’t still completely accept the blinding naked truth of this. If I did I think I would not be affected by what my ex does at ALL and I still am even though we have reduced our contact by 95%.
Whenever my ex did and still does things that are directly in opposition to things he says he will do, “forgets” major things that we agreed to or that I have said are important/vital to me or just doesn’t listen to things I am saying are important with our business and how we operate (because he has taken it for granted that I will remind him, remind him and remind him some more – which I don’t do anymore,) I still get upset. Why? Because I am still under the illusion that if he respected me, really cared about me (which he still trots out and sheds a tear over), DID actually want to continue in a proper and respectful relationship with me he would actually walk the walk and not put me in the position of taking the responsibility for things. Instead of seeing these problems as his and his alone I have interpreted them as me not being lovable, of not being worthy of being treated with respect. All the important and even critical things that were important to me that he never “remembered” I saw as a project I needed to worth on…rather than just saying…why am I wasting time with someone who can never give me what I need and what is more hasn’t one iota of motivation to do it? It was SO hard for me to accept that he has a weak character and always plays the victim even though I put him on a pedestal.
I made it all about me but the simply fact is that this is the way this man is and what/how he prefers to be. Of course this isn’t easy to take either but what always got me was that he professed to want something else…and I believed him for a long time. And that isn’t a good thing.
Just as a postscript…I read a great little sentence the other day… basically that if you are in a relationship with a passive aggressive person you can NEVER depend on them for anything – emotional, financial or in any other way – they will always let you down even though you may think/hope they won’t. Better to face the truth of that and move on.
Espresso
Thinking that you can change someone, or help them to change, is a fools errand. I know, because I married my husband on that basis – thinking that over time he would change- he said he wanted to. However he has not got it in him. He never was or will be a suitable partner for me. We get along well on a very superficial level, most of the time, but when trouble comes along thats when the thin, tattered fabric of our relationship becomes apparent. And we started off in a very “parental” relationship and that has never really changed.
He is moving out on Wednesday this week. There is NO furnture in the place he is going, nothing, and I havesuggested that he should write down a list of his requirements and his budget and start getting small stuff, asking around, etc etc. Of course he has done nothing so rational.
Instead he has been talking about shopping trips to an expensive shop in another city.
This means he really cannot have our children to stay. He will probably still be round here all the time cooking and laundering his clothes (as he has no cooker or washing machine)
So looks like I’ll still be Mum for the forseeable future.
Thank you for this post Natalie. It is exactly what I need right now, very timely, as ever 🙂 Whenever I feel myself slipping downhill again your posts pull me up sharp and get me to be strong again. You posts make me smile and nod knowingly, and I become not only more resolute but lighter – it’s liberating. Thank you. x
The only people left in my dysfunctional family are my stepmother and her two kids. She is a passive aggressive control freak and, as it turns out, an alcoholic. After my father died, she had complete control of all of his belongings, and used that to feel powerful and important. She told me I could have “whatever I wanted” of my dad’s belongings but, whenever I asked for something, she found a reason not to give it to me, ignored the request, or got mad at me (when I asked for his books her response was “I’m not dead yet!” She is not a reader. They are just there for decoration.) I took to stealing a few of his books of the shelf when I could, just so I would have something. It’s been hard to deal with that kind of control, but if I go NC with her, and I have, I lose the only family I have, including my little brother, whom I love. Someone mentioned the “lucid” member of every family–he is that one. He is not exactly ostracized, but he is not held in high esteem like other members of the clan, who are more attractive and athletic, and maybe have more important jobs. It’s a bunch of shallow, passive aggressives, and I’m afraid to let go of them. Otherwise it’s just me floating in outer space.
Even the “Brady Bunch” wasn’t the Brady Bunch. The father was gay and apparently very difficult to work with….opinionated and exacting about inconsequential details. And the mother had a romantic fling with the oldest boy (Greg).
You can never know what is really going on behind closed doors!
Keetseel
Sometimes floating in outer space is the best option.
Good luck Mymble…what a trial for you but especially for your kids. On the other hand it will be a tremendous relief after such a long “leave taking” It is pretty awe inspiring how these guys coast through life but I guess they had us (and the sucker women to follow…..)
BTW – I have no hope of changing my ex..I really get that..but still don’t think I am managing my feelings that well or in certain situations. Sometimes, like today, I really feel near the edge.
My ex doesn’t believe in long term planning. He told me that quite recently when we were talking about asset division. He occasionally drops a comment on the kind of place he might be “interested in buying” His actions have consisted of looking at billboards advertising new condos in a city he won’t be able to afford to live in, or once dropping in to a show luxury condo as he happened to be driving by, again way out of his price range. Because he is intelligent in some ways seeing these new manifestations is quite stunning to me.
Meanwhile I have two sets of realtors in two cities sending me property listing, I been to see potential places and am consulting a financial advisor who specializes in real estate. No wonder we we didn’t get along……lol.
One of the things Thomas Szasz said about families was that it might be actually better for a family to be dysfunctional overtly because then at least kids might be able to see this as bad as it was. He believed that what REALLY screwed up kids was when families portrayed a “we are happy” picture while internally they were seething with problems whether they be sexual or physical abuse (denied or hidden) alcoholism ditto. My ex was in this kind of family. His father was an alcoholic who lived off of others, was continually ac and a womanizer His mother was controlling and EU (but I actually don’t blame her for that). The kids were told they were “the best/happiest/most fortunate family” in the neighbourhood and they and everyone else thought so or so it seemed. When I met my ex he actually was blind to what was going on…. He grew up with a great sense of entitlement and an inability to see or speak the truth to himself or anybody else. At least in my family I knew everyone was pretty miserable- they said so all the time…there was no hiding from that.
I would just like to ask a question about this and also in relation to another artilcle. I recently exited a relationship where it triggered what has been referred to as an ‘activation’. I had a screwy childhood like a lot of people with an alcoholic father who was emotionally abusive (as much as I love him). The type of abuse I’m talking about is drunken rants, keeping me and my brother awake at night to have these drunken rants, threatening suicide, lying about his sobriety, neglect. etc.
I find myself in relationships as an adult where cool, some men I’m fine with, we get on with minimal problems. However with other men, I find I revert to child mode, cry, become agitated, needy, relinquish control. This behaviour is obviously enough to drive these men away after a while but I’m wondering how come this happens with some men, but not others? I have identified some common traits between the men who have set off this behaviour; dominance, disrespect, unreliability, withdrawal of affection or communication when annoyed, things being largely on their terms..it would be great to identfy what kind of man exactly I should avoid because it’s humiliating to go through that in front of someone without even knowing why or how.
This reminds me of something (tangential, apologies) I read re toxic family – the only time I’ve ever seen it expressed by a professional in the mental health field (or anyone for that matter) – in the context that the vast majority insist it’s correct/required/proper/mature/enlightened/healing/for the best/etc etc to make peace with estranged parent folk in order to get ‘closure’ – refreshingly, this professional chose to differ from the majority and wrote that (when it comes to trauma, abuse or whatever was experienced) it’s OK to go no contact from toxic parents. Just because they’re blood, doesn’t mean squat.
It’s OK to choose to not engage with them and that ‘closure’ isn’t dependent on resolving anything with parents (in the same way that ‘closure’ is seldom gained by confronting any other abuser – some comments in other recent BR posts touch on this, e.g. narcissists not possessing the capacity to give closure).
But. There is frequently a lot of pressure on people to reunite with estranged parents. Many advocate it as necessary; you can’t possibly be a well-rounded/complete person if you’ve cut your parents from your life – make peace with them, forgive, and all will be Brady Bunch beautiful again.
This professional also noted that ‘making peace’ with estranged toxic parents is seldom in the best (healthy) interests of the abused (especially in the worst abuse cases), often causing the abused person more trauma (I briefly wondered re psychologist ploy to ensure repeat business – encourage reuniting with parents; client needs more therapy to deal with the fallout…)
Kind of brings me back to something I was re-thinking about as I read some of the newer posts and comments here on BR – closure vs acceptance; i.e. closure frequently seeming to be about needing someone to do or say something or needing to do/say something to someone; vs accepting what is (reality), identifying how/what one (really) feels in response (and why) and dealing with that in order to gain the required ‘closure’.