One of the things that dating and even pre-dating (the bit where a website introduces you to a potential date or when someone introduces themselves to you and asks you out) along with relationship experiences does is that it helps you to fine-tune your gut instincts.
No one is an expert in every situation–it’s called being human– and everyone is a novice in many situations throughout their lifetime.
When we have little experience of romantic relationships that makes us a novice, which is something that we all are in unfamiliar situations where we have little experience and applicable knowledge to build ‘data’ to help our gut.
When I hear from people who had what call a Critical Heartbreak Experience and it was their first foray into romantic territory or certainly early on in their dating and relationship journey, I really feel for them because they’ve judged themselves for far too long as if they should have had the ‘expertise’ to avoid the outcome or to ‘make’ the object of their affections feel or behave differently. This experience goes on to inform their self-image including their perception of their future romantic capabilities and opportunities and the Critical Heartbreak Experience ends up being treated like a permanent statement of the future. It’s like, This was my big moment to get things right/correct the past/prove myself and I effed up and failed and/or I wasn’t enough.
But is it really fair and reasonable for us to expect to be an expert in our interpersonal relationships, especially when we might have little knowledge or experience of certain situations or people?
Let’s imagine that we’ve always taken pride in not telling lies, being honest with respect, and not treating people as a means to an end and on top of this, we have zero experience of being screwed over by somebody who is the opposite of that: why would we see their shadiness coming? We haven’t had much to test us out in this area so why wouldn’t we take this person at face value?
On one of my New York visits a few years back, I met a small-town girl who had arrived full of hopes and dreams and fallen for a charismatic musician who promised her the earth but really only delivered dust. With the benefit of hindsight she acknowledged that she had been that rather dangerous cocktail of too nice, non-confrontational and naive and although she had initially felt like a fool for trusting in him and going back, compassionate recognition of her journey to that point gradually helped her to move forward. Rather than hardening herself against everyone and writing off love, she accepted that it was gonna take a few goes to figure out this relationship thang. She learned to be more discerning about where she invested her positive qualities.
It’s also unfair and unreasonable to beat us up for not having the experience and knowledge to recognise that trusting our feelings alone isn’t enough.
We need to be able to discern feedback that we’re getting about the person and situation to get a sense of what our feelings might mean or what we need to pay attention to or do despite the feelings.
When we’re around a new person or in an unfamiliar situation, that makes us a novice which means that we need to take our time making decisions.
Feeling, for instance, what we regard as great chemistry or a deep connection, doesn’t make us an expert on that person or the relationship. It doesn’t preclude us from needing to take our time making decisions and if we think it does, we are in danger of being complacent when we need to be attentive and present.
We all have our biases as well but as long as we’re aware of these, they don’t become our blind spots. We’re inclined to use our biases to make snap judgements but if like me, you found that this kept leading you into the cul de sac of toxic type and that you struggled to create, sustain or exit from relationships, these are areas where you need to wait a bit longer to make up your mind about someone in the early stages (basically a few minutes versus split-second decisions) so that you update your gut responses.
I have a number of friends and readers who have met their partner on Tinder which is particularly renowned for its superficial nature due to swiping left and right based on whether you find a person attractive. What they all acknowledge is that the snap judgement about the person’s looks told them little because almost all of them have previously dated people via Tinder and other apps using similar snap judgments and had tricky experiences. None of them regard themselves as being expert at being able to gauge compatibility based on a photo or profile description. Granted, they have a sense of whether they find a person attractive but it’s only time and experience that gives way to knowing how they feel inside in a deeper way plus there are people who they’ve found instantly attractive who as they got to know them, they discovered it wasn’t workable. A number of them pointed out that they deliberately steered clear of the bells and whistles photos and profiles and opted for calmer inner responses around attraction [because the instant or intense attraction that they relied on had repeatedly led them to dead ends and toxic relationships and they wanted to build sustainable compatible attraction that would amount to a mutually fulfilling loving relationship].
If you’re going to get expert at anything, it’s about how to pick up and read the ‘feedback’ you receive about a person and situation as well as how to read your own responses. This is better than having an unrealistic expectation of becoming really good at guesswork based on superficial information.
No one who is in a loving relationship is there purely based on feelings and guesswork. It’s taken investing time and energy, not just in getting to know this person and building the relationship with them, but also getting to know themselves prior to that relationship often via a series of previous experiences including ‘failed’ romantic involvements that have made them that much more successful at understanding what they need, want, and deserve in their current relationship.
No experience is a waste. Getting it ‘wrong’ in all the other relationships helps you to recognise the loving relationship that’s more befitting of you.
Your thoughts?
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So true i am really learning to trust my gut it is never with hinsight been wrong, but i always ignore it to my cost. Ive always been attracted to charming out going men who have always!! Let me down and turned out to be unavailable, if i date now i look for red flags early on if it does’nt feel right, or they cancel dates go hot and cold am out of there its just pain going out with guys like that, on a path to no where. And found men that are not that attractive can be like that too so not always good looking guys. More you date you get a bit tougher i found i won’t put up with BS anymore.
Hello Nat (and all the other lovely ‘Reclaimers’),
It’s been a while since I have commented but I still devour all your posts and the comments to help with my re-education.
This post is rather timely for me. I recently connected with a man on-line who seemed to have the right balance of attributes for me and after messaging and chatting on the phone for several hour+ calls we made a date to meet for a drink.
Pretty early on he extolled the virtues of Tinder (not how we met) and how he believed it was more ‘honest’ as we all judge with our eyes. First Red Flag.
He was very tactile in a public place and this was making me feel a little uncomfortable and another couple who were sitting opposite us in the bar commented about how they hoped to have a ‘connection’ like ours…but it was only their first date! Second Red Flag.
After three hours of chatting I suggested getting some food, but he said ‘no, let’s go back to your place’! I was stunned and firmly said ‘NO’. But he then lectured me about if I liked him why wouldn’t we go to the next level? I explained that I had to get to know someone first before that could happen and he seemed genuinely surprised.
‘Haven’t you ever done that then? Met someone and gone home with them?’ I told him if he wanted my dating CV from the 1980’s then he could have it but ‘mistakes’ I’ve made in the past won’t be repeated now, no matter how lovely the date was.
‘But we’ve had a drink and everything!’ he exclaimed and I replied ‘If I slept with everyone I had a drink with, I’d be bedridden by now.’
‘I feel you’ve drawn a line in the sand’ he responded and I went home. He called me the next day and said ‘let’s have dinner on Tuesday evening. I really want to get to know you and perhaps……’
Needless to say no call to arrange something for Tuesday evening. But at 8pm on Tuesday he sent a whatsapp saying ‘Boo. x’
Really? He’s 58 (I’m 54)
I didn’t respond and at 6.45am on Thursday he sent a message saying ‘Hello. Not sure your whatsapp is working? x’
I didn’t respond and needless to say he hasn’t sent any other messages or tried to call.
Just another player in a shinier suit. I felt duped by him initially as I felt I had done the due diligence and asked all the right questions and told him exactly what I was looking for and he said I sounded ‘perfect’. (Another Red Flag?)
Now, a few days later I am a bit calmer and realise that he was a more accomplished FF and that I ‘wanted to believe’ too. No one to blame – it obviously works for him and I just have to listen to my spidey senses more and remain firm about my needs.
Thanks Nat for putting it all into perspective.
PS – Sorry for the long story…might help someone though!
Bellakins x
Cheapskate. Literally wanted cheap sex! Sorry.
What a prince. He was definitely out for a sex partner, with as little investment as possible. Then he tried to mind eff you into thinking you were wrong for not wanting sex right away. Glad you did not waver from what you know is right for you. No more going along to get along.
Elgie. R,
Yes, there was (many) a time when I would go along to get along. But I’m glad I didn’t fall down that rabbit-hole again. Every time and every day getting a little stronger and wiser.
Best wishes,
Bellakins
Yep – these days, anyone who describes me as ‘perfect’, or proclaims love VERY early on – sends shivers down my spine. Actually, they always have. But I’d tell myself that it was my low self esteem not able to accept this kind of loving attention.
HA!!!
Nutbrownhare,
I was such a dreamer about love and of course with my daddy issues wanted a man to say nice things about me so much that I always fell for it. To my cost. But never seemed to learn.
Baby steps eh?
Best wishes,
Bellakins
Oh, yuk! He didn’t even want to pay for dinner! He sounds a lot like the one guy I met online (I have vowed to never go that route again). He lived in an area that I wanted to move to, so had to drive for three hours to visit me, so I felt obliged to have sex with him. Yes, I know – and I wouldn’t do that again! He was the guy I learned to say “No” through – and now I can. That was a long time coming, but as Nat says, no experience is wasted. This guy was so repulsive to me, yet I persevered, because my father is a good looking narcissist, so I thought… I don’t know what I thought, to be honest! Ugly men can be just as narcissistic as the handsome ones. He kept telling me how nice he was, and that everyone else thought he was nice. I mentioned it to his flatmate, who suggested I was co-dependent, so I looked into that, and realised I probably was.
That wasn’t the beginning of my relationship healing though. I’d worked through lots of books before – Women Who Love Too Much, Obsessive Love, etc., but it wasn’t until reading Nat’s book, Mr Unreliable, that I saw the pattern in *the men*. Up until that point, I’d thought it was just me, and that I was doing something wrong, saying the wrong thing… Well, I *was* doing something wrong – I was choosing narcissists who, even when they didn’t resemble my father, ALL resembled him…
Back to the drawing board (the inner drawing board). It seems I have so much more healing to be done. My body has given up as well, as I have an autoimmune illness (M.E.). I realised that I may never be in a relationship, and I finally feel okay with that now. But I still want to learn how to relate, and to heal the old hurts that have caused this illness in my body.
Cindy,
I related so much to your comment it brought me to tears.
Courageous women like yourself are why I keep going. It’s what keeps me alive. You can be really proud of yourself for all the healing you have done even if there is more to be done.
I empathize with your health issues and commend you on making the connections between the harm your father did and the men you wouldn’t stand up to. But you have learned. And you have learned your “NO!”, which is so worth fighting for and living for. Hang in there.
Also, I don’t know if I’ll ever have a romantic partner, but I do know I’ve been given life and not being in a romantic relationship doesn’t prevent me from living it, so that’s what I’m going to do, live for me. Though, just like you, I’d love to learn how to relate better.
Take care xx
Jennifer, thank you so much for your supportive and kind comments. I hadn’t realised anyone had replied to me, until I read the post again.
Kindness is not over-rated. Best wishes for your own journey.
Cindy,
Oh, no problem! (Just grateful my message got to you.)
Hi Cindy,
Read this book, I have a feeling it will resonate.
http://donnajacksonnakazawa.com/childhood-disrupted/
Helena x
Helena, your reply was very timely – thank you so much for the book link. I’ve been clearing old traumas from my body through energy healing, and recently looked more into autoimmune diseases. It’s a fascinating subject. Ironically, illness introduced me to my life purpose, and great passion – healing. That’s why I now see all suffering as an opportunity to learn and grow. Though I’m ready to leave the victim universe and move into an alternate universe of well-being… Thanks again. xx
Cindy,
I totally identify with all you describe. It’s so similar to me and I realised a while ago that I was dating my dad in different trousers – even though I don’t have any respect for my father as a parent. I thought I was choosing the opposite of him (dark hair, stocky etc. rather than tall, skinny blonde) but the character traits were the same and I wanted to get their attention and was willing to do whatever….
Coming here and getting all the help and support has really made me see the reality of things and now just need to be consistent in my actions.
Cindy, I take inspiration from your story and send you love to carry on your continued struggle with your health.
Best wishes,
Bellakins
Bellakins, I think we’re all coming from similar childhoods. It’s so great to have this space to open up and heal, to give and receive inspiration and support. Thank you for your kind wishes – I wish the same for you. xx
Bellakins,
No need to focus on “a balance of attributes” in others. Focus on your attributes and live your life for yourself. There is nothing wrong with wanting a romantic partner, but to a certain extent this is not in your control. (We don’t summon lovers from our imaginations or thin air). All you can do is exactly what you did: be honest and say NO to creeps. Other than that, explore you and know that no other person makes you whole. You make you whole.
Also, I knew a guy just like this (21-yrs-old; sometimes they don’t change at all do they), anyhow, he used the exact same lines. After just trying to be this guy’s friend (I didn’t have sexual contact with him because he was too risky; I really did not want to chance an std from him), it was very clear he had some possible sex addiction issues and some serious responsibility issues, as well. Best of luck to you. (Though we all need more than that). And keep up the good work.
Jenn X
Jennifer,
You are spot on of course but when I’m caught up in it all I lose all sense of reality, self… you name it. It all goes out the window.
I recently had CBT and it has really helped to see what my skewed beliefs about myself and others were and now even more work begins.
Thanks again and best wishes,
Bellakins
I have a question. I didn’t trust my gut and ignored all the red flags. One of the strong characteristics of the guy I was with was that his charm was unflappable, and some how every woman he has been with (and there are many) can’t seem to completely shake their feelings for him. The main woman (because as we know, there are several other women hanging around too) he is now with recently received the usual “I need a break and you deserve better.” Wow…how many times in 5 years did he say those exact words to me. So she unfriended him on fb and was heart broke, only to have him come back within a few days and all is good again. She doesn’t know me except that I used to be one of the girls. I have a good friend of hers that has kept me abreast of what going on with her and the ass clown. I feel like she needs to be warned to run, run, run. She has stated that she believes she can “change” him and they will live happily ever after. I try to show indifference because it’s no longer my rodeo. On the other hand, there is this deep, deep wanting of him to STOP doing this to women. I ask myself why she can’t see the red flags, then I remember she can, as I could, but she gravitated to his charms just like all the women.
I guess my question is, why do I care and why can’t I turn off my mind from even worrying about him, not to mention some woman I don’t personally even know??
Maybe what you are framing as altruism is really just a desire to stay in this man’s orbit, and attempt to ruin his ability to latch onto other women. You are not going to be able to warn a woman off. I would not have paid any attention to some woman’s “warnings” about AC, because I wanted to be with the AC and nothing was going to stop me. If anything, a warning would make me think “that woman wants him for herself and can’t let go”.
Some people can learn from others mistakes, but most of us learn from our own mistakes. She’ll learn.
You make a really good point. I was warned and didn’t listen. Still working on trying to stay out of his orbit. Difficult but doable.
I’m not sure it’s healthy to be kept up to date on his life. I was with a close friend recently and talk turned to my ex – she is still in Facebook with him as we had the same social circle. And I was like do not tell me anything about this fella. I have worked hard at NC et and I never seek out information on the exes especially if they’re ACs or we had a bad breakup.
Elgie, that was exactly what I was going to say… Women did warn me off guys in the past, and I went in even stronger. They probably told themselves they were doing it for me too, but the guy obviously got under their skin. If only there was a shower gel for these kinds of afflictions, lol…
Rewind,
You can’t control other women or men. You are not responsible for her choices. You are not responsible for the choices of another cognizant adult. You are; however, in control of removing yourself completely from the situation as you know what this man is about and you know that it is not good.
Take care, Jen
I have been an on and off BR reader for about 3 years. When I was an “on” reader, I steered the course, and felt better. When I was “off”, I look back and see those were the times my EUM(s) were sat squarely in my life. .
Basically, I married a man who I thought was different than my Dad. But nope, same sheep, different color wool. I stuck with it for 31 years hoping to Florence Nightingale his alcoholism and outright abuse “better”. Then I met a man online after being separated just weeks, and back on the roller coaster of trying to fix this one up! Ugh. Flash forward 4 years, a divorce, numerous breakups with the new EUM, international travels to boot, and I finally realized Enough!!! I addressed the pain of my childhood, addressed the pain of my “failed” marriage and learned. It hurt. I cried. A lot. But I have been No Contact for five months. I feel proud of my kids, grandkids, and don’t even think about poking around to find out about either one of the Exes. It wasn’t even hard because I finally FINALLY! realize I need to stop putting a bandage on everyone and put one squarely on me.
I am not dating. I feel calmer. I feel like I am taking care of me. I do not need to fix anything but just learn to love me. What do I want? I ask myself every day what do I WANT? What makes me happy? And until I am 100% dam sure I am not going to people please, fix, accept dodgy behaviors and makes excuses, I am not dating anyone. When my dad starts huffing and puffing, or he’s drinking, I just say “Talk to you later.”
Journal, use Unsent Letters, read and re-read posts that apply to you, go COMPLETELY NC (with ANYONE who presents Red Flags), stop giving your life to what THEY think, (cause sorry, they are NOT thinking about you), and love yourself first.
This works. Trust me, when you start to feel indifferent towards people who once occupied your mind with pain, obsession and blackness, the whole world is a bright, sunny shade of yellow.
Thanks Nat and all you wonderful BR readers for that!
I have been journaling and it truly is a life saver. Love your post!
Thank you Rewind. I read back on my journal and what a difference from 6 years, two years and six months ago! Never thought I’d feel this empowered.
Hallelujah!!
Well done, Kat! Our Dads certainly imprinted us, but it doesn’t have to last a lifetime. It feels like a lifetime for me, because I’m 57, but I figure I’m never too old to heal. Mr Unreliable was a game changer for me, and then I read up on narcissism, not only because of my father, but I thought maybe I was a narcissist too. I could see some traits in myself that I really didn’t like. So I got stuck in and worked on healing and transforming those traits.
I kept being attracted to alcoholics too, yet Dad didn’t drink much. Then I realised that ALL alcoholics, drug abusers, etc, were narcissists, and that was the connection. They are the most self-absorbed and self-loathing people on the planet, and I thought I could ‘help’ them too, but that was my own narcissism (the darker side of co-dependence).
Healing that darkness inside me made me stop trying to ‘help’ everyone else, and start helping myself and, eventually, liking myself. What a journey!!! I feel like Dante, going through Hell in order to get to Heaven… It’s a very freeing decision, isn’t it?
Hi Cindy,
It is freeing indeed! I sometimes wish it hadn’t taken me so long, but then again, I would not have had my children or my grandkids, so no point in wishing things undone.
I see you label yourself a bit of a narcissist, but I wouldn’t be so quick to do so. I felt that way at first, but now I think I just had the wrong feelings and judgement against myself since I was young. It led me to expect these men were going to be fixable. If I could control the outcome..I could fix these feelings of insecurity and pain. Basically, the “new” me tends to just think they are A** Hats, always will be and not my problem.
I love that you say you are never too old to heal – so true!
My aunt is 64. She had given up on men after being crushed by her boyfriend (narcissist), of four years and a messy, painful divorce before that (to an alcoholic no less). She was depressed and felt so alone. But she started doing things just for herself. For a long time. Then she was out with friends. Literally bumped into a man in a restaurant and she is madly in love. Says it’s been the most wonderful, exciting time of her life!
I guess I would like to tell all the BR readers out there..no matter if you’re 29, 32, 57, or 70…just love yourself, the rest will fall into place and don’t worry about stuff.
To have a man or relationship is not the question why, ours is just to love OURSELVES do or die. (Sorry about the corniness!)
Hugs to you and all.
Hahaha – I love the corniness, Kat – Tennyson would be proud!! I feel that we women and men who are fighting the inner demons are just as brave as (if not braver than) the Light Brigade he was writing of in that poem (theirs is not to question why…). We are facing stuff inside ourselves that many fear to even look at – in fact, would rather go into battle against a human enemy than to look inside themselves. I’m probably not making sense, given that it’s pretty late. Food for thought though. xx
This is spot on. At 35, I’ve learned to stop being so hard on myself on dates that led to nowhere or interests that never fully matured into something. Each interaction has taught me something new about my blind spots and frankly weaknesses. Now what I’m working on is how to not be so closed and skeptical but open and smart. I love the point of knowing when to invest your positive qualities. It’s a hard thing to do when you are trying to get someone to see who you are and also protect yourself. Fortunately, trusting my gut has gotten better so i know who is worthy for the good stuff. Thanks for this post.
I hear you Grace, I’ve also become adept at trusting my gut and knowing who NOT to invest time and effort in, but I’m still struggling with not being so hard on myself. I feel like at 32, I should have at least one LTR under my belt, and so far, it’s just a series of dead-end dates and brief flings that start off great but eventually fizzle out. I can’t help but feel like I must be doing something wrong along the way, seeing as everyone else around me seems to manage finding partners with ease.
I know I’m not alone in my predicament, but sometimes I have to wonder, does dating really have to be this hard? It’s starting to feel like a thankless task these days, so I’m taking a long overdue break from it all.
Rachel I am right there with you. At 34, I’ve had one LTR and it fizzled out with both of us going our separate ways, with him marrying someone not too long after our break-up. Another guy I fell hard for decided I wasn’t the one for him and I have to see his girlfriend’s car in front of his house everyday (he’s my neighbor)
All my other dates have led no where and I’ve wondered am I doing something wrong? Nothing is sticking. It’s been quite exhausting and I’ve decided to take a break also. it is quite difficult to not be so hard on myself.
Hi All, I thought I would chime in at the ripe old age of 61 with several LT relationships under my belt. At 20 I was married..literally a child. That did not last but by 30 I thought I knew just about all there was to know about life and love (esp love) I discovered I was wrong…Then by 40 even more so and today I can honestly say that I am not so sure any of us can offer up any sure fire recipes to avoid heartbreak. We are complicated, emotional beings. For some of us trusting our guts might work well as long as that compass is working and is not biased from past traumas?? I have a spent years reading and reflecting hoping that it would spare me the pain of making a mistake, but I still make them. In fact I may be making one right now with my eyes wide open. The only difference is I am not so afraid anymore. Love is a risk..and it always will be. Even the most wonderful marriages will end one day as life is not infinite. More importantly for me now is living in the present and enjoying the lessons and gifts of each day, each experience, and each relationship..and while we all persue the ups, it’s the downs that really teach us..
Rachel, I’m 57 and have never had a real relationship! Lots of sex partners in my younger days, flings, short-term messes – lots of drama. In fact, I think I was addicted to drama back then. I took a long, long break from it all, because I thought that the only common denominator between all of these men was me, and I wanted to heal myself so my attractor field would be different.
But you can’t do all that work and stay in a vacuum – I had to meet a real drop-kick who gave me pneumonia, just so I could learn, once and for all, how to say “No!!!” to a man, and mean it. And then it hit me – I got sick with asthma as a child as a way to say no, and illness became my default when I didn’t no how to be strong.
You’ll probably learn a lot about yourself during your sabbatical – just remember to dip your toe in the water every now and then to see how you’re doing. I wish you the very best…
As always, Nat, you’re spot on. No one can anticipate behaviors far beyond how we ourselves would act or think in a particular situation. We often assume others think and respond the same way we would which gets us in trouble. Really learned this one with Narcboy. As my rships tend to last, I’ve had very few of them compared to most my age. Was a disadvantage as I hadn’t the experience with red flag behaviors that most women experience while dating in their teens. Now I have to weed through many more men before finding ones that are both available and compatible.
Another important point is that dating is very much a huge time suck with zero shortcuts. As Nat has stated so many times, people unfold over time. On line dating has not sped up the process at all, one just works their way through more folks with a lower success rate. It’s a process.
Was glad to read one commenter explaining that looks and behavior are not necessarily linked. So many blogs tell women to accept men they feel lukewarm towards with the supposition that such men will treat them better. Not true; there are hot men who treat women well and unattractive men that treat women poorly and all combinations in between. Two different issues entirely. Another, rarely mentioned factor is that actions mean different things to different people. What is a meaningful gesture to one may be totally unconscious to another, often strongly linked to local culture. Gestures that signaled interest from my home in the North are meaningless in the West. Behaviors that were unacceptable are often the norm here and not frowned upon. Touching can be a sign of affection or a sign of dominance depending on the individual. You start from square one with every new person you engage with.
I just want to comment that I relate! I am 3 years divorced from a sex obsessed manipulator who is father of my sons, after 20 years of marriage. I am only recently feeling the burden of guilt lifted so I can feel like I have a right to be happy. I have daddy issues too. He embraced my ex after divorce, told me I manufacture problems in my head and said he didn’t care about my pain. Yet I know he loved me somehow. But growing up with a dad who seemed to make me feel worthless, stupid and unimportant made me seek out unavailable men. I have never ever felt loved by anyone ever. I am single now, age 48, and trying to see worth in myself. I love this site! When I have some $ I will sign up for some courses. In meantime, thank you for sharing your stories.
The guy I was with… Who, as soon as I became accessable because I quit my remote location job and moved closer , dumped me.. After being my mainstay… Hurt like hell… Anyways, he always had this ghost of another woman, weaving in my life… I don’t know her, I see her, she sees me, she rides by at the effing weirdest times, at dinner , at the grocery, at the park, on my special days, she’s in his conversations to me, she’s in his thoughts, but she’s never actually tangible to me in person…It’s so WIERD. Anyways. He and I are done now and I am healing with hard work… NC and then small town stuff brings us together and he a STILL does it… I can’t figure I out. I think I need to tell them to BOTH eff off except I’ve never met her.. And he held the candle up to me to compare? To be a coward so he wouldn’t loose the opportunity until he chose? I can’t figure that out either… The only way, might be to move away…. I can’t describe the creepy thing of having a total stranger eff up my emotions…. And I’ve asked to be introduced long ago. I gave up on that. I’m so glad I’m getting away from this… But not sure yet where the lesson is in all this… Except I know I’m being used and deceived for some cruel and unusual oddity. Darnedest experience I’ve ever had…. And it’s always there.
Any one relate to this very odd thing?
Lou
I can very much relate. I was involved with a serial cheating, diagnosed narcissist. We work at a small institution together, live in the same small, very remote community with very few peers. Indeed, it was the sense of social/intellectual isolation that led me to respond to his advances in the first place. He rather quickly overlapped the woman he’d been hiding from me with a friend of mine, eventually marrying her. I run in to her in the only grocery store, at work, run into him at my favorite (the only good), restaurant in town. On occasion, I am stuck serving with him on committees, he’d attend meetings that I chaired. She especially, now treats me as I am evil personified, like I am the cheater and Narc instead of him. The whole situation has destroyed my ability to enjoy my job, my community. Right now, I am pretty much marking time until I have saved enough to retire and for the housing market to improve sufficiently for me to get enough for my home. Have been looking for other jobs for years but there just isn’t much for a middle aged senior academic in my field. Took a huge financial hit supporting my dying Dad so I must recover. I am very active in community, run a small farm in addition to the day job, am a serious athlete so it’s not like I am sitting around doing and being nothing. I am currently in a long distance rship and when I retire and sell out, my SO will have to decide whether he wants me there and if not, I’m gone.
Some things for you to consider:
Can you live happily where you are as a single? If not, get out as soon as you can. Loneliness, isolation, lead us into making very bad relationship decisions. You have to start out from a place of contentment. If that is not possible, don’t blame yourself; there are places where, because of who we are, our authentic selves, we just plain don’t belong.
You describe moving to that place in order to be near him. If you don’t have a job, own a home there leave unless the area has something other than him that attracts you. Regardless of setting, when you break up with someone, the break must be clean. You need to be rid of this person for a number of years in order to heal and move on. Some folk want to take up space in your psyche though they no longer want you per se. This really messes with your healing process. Alter your routines, where you go, to avoid toxic folk, stay off social media, avoid common friends. Getting to a point where seeing him or her no longer is a problem takes years. You may not be able to avoid them but you never need engage with them. Future rships should be with folk whom you never need see again if things go South.
You learned a hard, ugly, lesson. This dude probably engaged with you solely because you were geographically unavailable most of the time; kind of like dudes who just like to pursue. I’ve always had a “plan B”, somewhere else I could live if things get really bad.
“Failure is part of every successful person’s life. What matters is what you do with that failure.”