I’ve been making video’s again – I don’t think I’ve experienced such a steep learning curve since I detoxed myself of Mr Unavailables and assclowns, or when I had my second daughter (can you believe she’s just turned one and walking?!) and was juggling two kids under two…. Anyway! In case you’re wondering why they’re not all on YouTube, last one was ‘too long’…
The first video is about letting go of the idea that you have a lot in common with someone who has treated you badly or the relationship no longer exists. In the second video I explain why it’s best not to get carried away or project your way of doing things on people when it comes to understanding why someone will call you after you’ve broken up when they have nothing more to offer you. And the last video is about the no contact rule.
I hope you enjoy! x
The No Contact Rule from Natalie Lue on Vimeo.
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The best thing I ever did was block him from my cell phone. He loved lazy communication where he could control the situation and text messaging was his weapon of choice. He used it to send me random messages and they’d just pop up every couple of months so I wouldn’t expect it or on my birthday/holidays when he felt I was vulnerable. I used to respond, but then he wouldn’t reply. Testing the waters to see if he’d get a reaction, just like you stated. All the old feelings would just come back and I’d start analyzing why he contacted me, did he care, was he sorry etc…I felt terrible. I’m so glad I closed that door. They think nothing about cutting you off, but when their well runs dry they want to come back to the comforts of your love. They miss the attention, the sex, the communication and whatever it is they want from you. I had to stop ‘allowing’ him to hit the reset button. EUM don’t want to take responsibility for what they’ve done, they just want to pick up like nothing ever happened and expect you to go along with it, because quite frankly it’s what we taught them. My ex would tell me whatever I needed to hear so he could get back in my good graces and when he ran hot he was the most loving guy in the world. I’d put down my guard and think this time it’s going to be ok. But…Once it ran it’s course and now he had to deliver and live up to the promises he made me….the problems would start all over again. Disappearing act in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You are right Natalie, they do it because they can. I still hurt and it’s been a hard road, but every day I get stronger and I am no one’s fall back girl anymore.
Unfortunately, when these men visualise who is loving them blindly, listening to their excuses, lies, BS, and putting up with their poor ways, they think of you. It is how they see you and this is why it’s important to separate what we think and perceive from their way because we will end up being taken for a mug. It’s like they think ‘Hmmm, who is the one person that is still foolish enough to believe in and love me….’ and then they turn their attention to you to use you up for an ego stroke and then discard you again because they know you’ll be there when they return. Don’t allow anyone to discard and pick you up at will…
I fell completely in love with a future faker/ liar/ boy in a man’s body/ EUM/ ass-clown you name it! and the worst part is that i had confused love for pity.
you are sooo right- when they feel they need an ego boost, cuz i think deep down inside they know they are less of a man than they want to be….. they will come to you to lift them up. “It’s like they think ‘Hmmm, who is the one person that is still foolish enough to believe in and love me….” HA! sop darn true!!!
no more NML, no more! thank GOD for the no contact rule!
love your site girl! thanks again!
Um does this mean you’ll no longer be writing on the blog? I quite prefer reading.
No! They are just some videos. I haven’t the time or the inclination to do ‘all’ videos. It’s just another means of communicating.
Video 1 – I am feeling the sledgehammer again and again – thanks Natalie. We need to be in the same relationship!!! Values are so important and so is a combined vision.
Video 2 – wow, scary stuff. Okay I am also a dating coach, however when my ex would contact me again – I would do all the stuff I knew I should do, then somehow he would break through the ice and I would melt again – Even now, I am going to download these videos and remember these feelings to ensure never to repeat that pattern!!!
Video 3 – wow – ditto – fantastic – future fakers, never heard of this before but love it!
Empathy is so important, anyone else still going through this – stay strong.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Step 4 Have a Clear Vision Then Take Action Daily =-.
Thank you for your lovely feedback. One of the things I realised about these guys is that it is best not to get too comfortable or let down your guard. They just take the opportunity to jump the fence and bust your boundaries.
“good on paper and not so good in the flesh”.
NML, and THAT is exactly what will wake you up BIG TIME is when you open your eyes and see that.
All you keep asking us to do as women is be AWARE of what is going on, and not deny it, rationalize it, make excuses for it or tolerate it thinking it’ll make ‘him’ love you.
The most important criteria of ALL is the values you spoke of – that he wants to be in a relationship with you — the same kind of relationship that you want to be in with him.
With that in place, the rest is negotiable.
Without it, no matter how much you think you have in common, it is irrelevant, because it won’t matter to him.
I’m learning, Nat:)
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Airline Fees =-.
“All you keep asking us to do as women is be AWARE of what is going on, and not deny it, rationalize it, make excuses for it or tolerate it thinking it’ll make ‘him’ love you.” – Amen! All of these acts are illusion building but also a denial of your own needs and values and building a relationship on false premises and then wondering why there is a lack of authenticity.
I have some difficulty with viewing the You Tube on my computer. Could you please write an article on the topic above?
Thanks
The one about having stuff in common is from this article on but we have so much in common. The NCR is for the ebook and the other on why is he calling is partly derived from several posts but will be doing something on it
Boo I can’t seem to get your latest video from this page?
What is it tagged under on YouTube?
I will have a look. I’m still getting the hang of this so it may be something I’ve done…
I think I’m spared because commonality is not one of my principles. If it were i would prefer to date girls who are not religious like myself, but I never have; although, I do wonder what it would be like to date someone who is also nonreligious.
You’ll have an easier life if you look for shared values as opposed to common interests. The boyf is more religious than me but again, this hasn’t made a difference as we share similar values plus I’m not ‘non religious’. I think if religion were important to you either way, it would make a difference but it’s not a determining factor for you.
All I can say is that you are just fabulous Natalie! Everything you say makes perfect sense and I have been following you from the beginning. I’m certain that you have helped keep so many women’s sanity in place. i LOVE YOUR VIDEOS!
Thanks,
Phyllis
Thank you. Your feedback and support is much appreciated!
Really like the videos which seem to connect in a different way to the written word though I also get load from that too. The one on why is he calling really brought that topic to life for me. I had to email a guy I had broken up with and went to NC because he had an item of mine I wanted returned. He did send it back and I emailed to say thank you and to reiterate that I didn’t want any more contact – politely but firmly. A week later I got an email saying ‘oh just wondered if you got the item? chat chat chit chat’. As if he hadn’t received the previous one!!! Well that was when I realised everything you said was totally true! What a sneaky assclown! I’d broken up because he’d blown hot and cold and tried to manage down my expectations (great stuff I’ve learned from you)
Keep up the great work!
I LOVE video Number one (well ALL 3 🙂 ). But video #1 reminded me,The funny thing was that with the last AC, I did not share a damn of mutual interest MUCH LESS similiar morals and values. And now I ask myself, What the heck was I doing with him then?! I have grown so much by just choosing to stay single, reading your blogs, and really make a priority to learn about what is it that I really want out of a man and a relationship. Hopefully with the information that I have now this will be much easier next time. Thanks NML! Great videos!!
Video #2. Last AC did not call to get back together, he texted the lamest excuse tabout loosing his phone and not being able to know who’s number it was. When I told him who I was, his response:,” can I get another chance?” Like you said, he was trying not to sound desperate for a shag and so he thought the was keeping it low key. Now I just laugh because he the most inmature guy/boy I have ever met in my life.
Video number 3 is not responding = (
WOW! Natalie it is so amazing to really hear you and see you! You’re incredibly eloquent, and it tickles me that I can connect a lovely face/voice to all the great advice I’ve received for these past years! Makes the experience even more “personal!”….
As far as your post goes…I’m going to quote you..”A shag, shoulder, ego stroke, etc.” Simple answer for something that I would totally agonize over. I would always think: “If he’s calling, he must be wanting to be with me in some way” … or the dreaded “Maybe this time he’s finally ready.” I hung on for so many bloody years using the latter…..It’s quite simple in hindsite…a shag, shoulder, ego stroke….Oh, if I only knew then what I know now. OH WELL! At least I learned 😉 Thanks for making things so simple and allowing me to finally see the forest through the trees! 🙂 Hugs!
I have maintained the NCR for the last 4months. Despite repeated texts, calls, IMs and emails from EUM, I have not responded because I am very determined move on and to assume control of my life.
How do I get him to stop contacting me. Would it be a good idea to ask his wife to stop him.
@ Determined… yea tell his wife I’m sure that would be an end all to him contacting you. I am almost at 30 days this week of NC and I said if that bastard narcissts ever contacted me again his ex wife that he has been running from for the past several years in hopes of not having to pay child support; will get a nice FB message from me(yes I saw her on FB)… She will know where he now works; how much he makes; how he’s been too busy upgrading his kitchen with stainless still appliances; spending her child support money that she should be getting on his cars; and all these frivilous things…that he can’t afford….The minute he contacts me is the minute I will be contacting her via FB!! So his best bet is to leave me alone… The thing is there is no ending to a narcissts.. They eventually try to pop back up in your life at some point. Too bad he won’t have the least bit of access back into mine.
hello all,
well we have been through over 4 months,,no contact until 3 weeks ago, he invited me to twoparties, i went,,i know,,,he was so hot he bought me a car stereo and treated me to everything, probbly a way to stroke his ego and his guilt for being such an AC. but not becaus he wanted to impress ME hell no, it was to make himself look better to me,,he stopped texting and calling after the week and calls me 12 days later to tellme he had gone to the dr and came back positive as being exposed to herpes 1 (cold sore) but may never have an episode. and he is not contagious? wtheck was he telling me for then? he said it was that he wanted to contact all the women he had contact with the last 2 years,,ok i was with him 18 months…anyways, i notice he spends time on the personal sites( i check to confirm i havent lost anything with him, he s a pig) i didnt get thst phonecall, until i saw the why he calls video,, and now i know its because they need to see even if its a small , if they still have a foot in..yeah right, he aint all that, i am,,i saw him the way i wanted him to be.. but he cheated and hurt me without regards to my feelings and expected to apoplogize and i forgive him..I went thru so much pain with this Clown for what? validation? my daughter is still dealing with her ass clown but she says she doesnt care if she has to beg him to come back, she doesnt care how humiliating it is,,she wants him at any cost,,i wish someone would talk to her,,the number one problem is that she is biracila(blk and spanish) and he is white(they have two beautiful kids) he always treats her badly, calls her the racial slur,(and his kids too) leaves for days, she begs him back(needing validation that not only is she a worthy person but that her ethnicity is acceptable) in his eyes..im very sad and frustrated this is her first “love”(yeah right love ?) and she can not let go…help!!!
I learned the hard way that a lot of “me too’s” on the first date doesn’t mean anything. The guy may turn out to be just friendship material at best (or just a member of the same fan clubs as you). According to my T, tastes are qualities that are “below the line”. Above the line are values, plans for the future, communication skills, respect, etc.
I think the last video just about sums up the current relationship of mine in so many ways. Tonight i have sent my last txt and said i wait for him to contact me lilke he said he would. If he doesnt, well thats when i get on with the rest of my life. Like you said, its the rejection part that no one likes and i sure as hell dont like it either. Why do guys treat you like something from under their shoe when they are supposed ot love you etc. This guy of mine doesnt even know the meaning of the word ‘love’ which is such a shame – but there you go, you cannot win them all. Thanks once more for the videos they are fantastic and to true to life!!