It’s day 30 of the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, and I’ve had an amazing month and a lot of emails from readers telling me their stories and telling how much they have changed even in the past month! Of course, I didn’t squeeze in everything especially the last few guest posts so look out for these to follow over the next few days.
The last post is especially for the most hardcore of Drama Seekers, addicted to Relationship Crack, that want to break…they just can’t quite do it by cutting off contact.
The hardcore No Contact Rule is really the ideal way to extricate yourself from men that don’t want to break and just bring a whole load of drama to the table, but for some of you…breaking up is hard to do, even when you say it’s what you want to do. You know who you are – you’re the women that want to break up with him but if he says or does the right thing today, your knickers will be swinging from the light fixture tonight. Unfortunately tomorrow you’re going to feel pretty awful.
So what do you do?
Have a Get Out Plan – a carefully coordinated effort where you start to ease out of the relationship in preparation for cutting off contact.
Why am I suggesting this? Because if I don’t, some of you will still be yo-yoing in ten years time and you aren’t very good at cold turkeying. If you’ve been struggling with no contact and falling off the wagon, more often than not, you’re struggling to manage the fear, the anxiety, and the insecurity that come rushing in when it happens. The relationship crack is too intoxicating for you.
ONLY use this option if you keep applying the No Contact Rule and keep falling off the wagon with the same guy.
BUT, don’t beat yourself up if you have fallen off the wagon a couple of times because sometimes this needs to happen in order to have a proverbial straw to break the camels back.
BUT, some of you need a halfway house…a Get Out plan…
I would love for everyone who needs to apply the NCR to be able to stick to it but quite frankly, some of you just won’t make it if there isn’t a halfway house that allows you to extricate yourself out of the drama filled haze slowly but very surely.
There are two big glaring questions though that you need to ask of yourself before you opt into the watered down version of the No Contact Rule:
1) Do you really want to end the relationship or are you looking for another way to buy yourself some time to give you more opportunity to stay invested?
2) How much more badly do you need to be treated or how much more drama do you want to engage in before it’s enough?
If you’re not sure if you want to break up, this may not be for you. If you are sure but you know that it’s not going to be easy to do whether it’s because you know you’ll be suckered in, there are things to sort out (could be financial for instance), or because he’s a persistent bugger that will up the ante when you cut him off, the Get Out Plan can help you.
But be careful of being sucked into more drama or being mistreated even more. There has to be a cut off point.
When you start to step back, you find that you start to see things more objectively, start to him in a real light, and start to actually want to make a break. This gives you time to get yourself prepared rather than jerking out of the relationship and panicking at your reaction to it.
So this is what you do.
Set a deadline.
Not a pretend one that you’ll move to buy yourself more time in a few weeks or months, but a real deadline. Set a date when you are going to cut him off. Make it challenging but realistic – don’t make it so long it’s a joke, but don’t make it so short that you’re going to panic and reschedule. Nothing longer than six months though and preferably it should be one to three months. In the meantime, everything that you do between now and then is easing yourself away from him and out of the relationship.
OR
Choose The Next Big Thing.
Some people find setting a date quite difficult and in this case, go with The Next Big (Shitty) Thing that happens. Only thing is that it could happen tomorrow or next week. We often have an idea though of the type of stunts that they may pull or of our own personal levels of upset, so you can base it on this. I vowed that the next time that he picked an argument with me and made me feel small, I was out.
Tell somebody. Secrecy is a pain in the arse when we are involved with these men because we don’t get to sanity check ourselves or our decisions. Tell a trusted friend or family member your deadline so that you stick to it. If you can’t think of anyone, tell me. I’ll make sure you stick to it. And make sure you tell them the real one!
Start slowing breaking habits
This is the key to it all. You need to start withdrawing and changing things up a bit. Not only does distance give you objectivity where you will start to see himself, you, and the relationship in a more realistic light, but it means that by the time you ditch him, the cold turkey is not going to be as bad as wrenching yourself out of habits. What does this involve?
– Stop taking every call. Many drama filled relationships have women who answer every single call and are basically on tap for him. Stop it. Let’s say you speak 5 times a day normally, drop to 4, then 3, and so on. He is likely to get into a bit of a tizz or even blow hot when you do this but pay no attention. He may even pick an argument with you, which brings me to… Don’t tell him that you’re reducing your calls – just tell him you’re busy with work, a friend, whatever – make something up if you have to! In fact, line him up for the reduced calls by feeding him a story about your increased workload. Also make him wait a bit longer for replies to texts or emails.
– Stop engaging
When you start withdrawing, they make react to the sudden change and pick a fight or question you about your actions. Do.not.engage. Certainly don’t explain. It will totally catch them off guard. All those things that you would normally throw a wobbler about and create a whole load of drama – don’t. Sit on your hands, tape your mouth, run out of the house, do whatever you need to do, but bite your tongue and play nice.
– Stop agreeing to every meeting he suggests.
Make other plans at times when he’s likely to expect you to be available to him. Personally I find this quite liberating when you get the opportunity to say no. Even if you don’t make plans and end up staying home, do not agree to every time he asks you out. If you have a 3 month plan, start dropping a meetup a week and then add in another one – basically start to reduce the amount of time you spend with him.
Pay more attention
Instead of taking what he says at face value or being suckered in by lust, start watching his actions more closely, listening closer to what he says, and observing the changes in your own behaviour around him and that are resulting from the change in dynamics. If it helps, keep a Feelings Diary which is basically noting your moods and the shifts in them and what triggers them. They are great for identifying your triggers and also what he is doing to impact on you emotionally.
Easy on the sex
I’m all for getting laid but sex clouds judgement and puts you in the Justifying Zone. All of those happy hormones flying around may convince you that the huge orgasm is a reason to stick around. Naturally by seeing him less there are less opportunities to be seduced. I know of some women who will have sex but get theirs and then turn over and go to sleep knowing that he will be totally caught off guard. Cold…but very funny!
Be careful of alcohol
If getting a bit tipsy or drunk fuels some of your drama or passion, it’s time to cut back so that you don’t get derailed.
Spend more time with you and with family and friends
Learning to love you and spending time alone with you is one of the best things that can happen to you, not only because loving you makes you very self-aware of people who negate it or hamper it, but it also means that when you cut contact, you will feel like an entity as opposed to feeling like you’ve been robbed and left with nothing because he’s not with you anymore. Create your own life with meaning and embrace family and friends, or take part in activities that help you to meet new people.
You may find that you start the NCR in full before you reach your deadline because the great thing about withdrawing is that you see them as they are but you also recognise how much better you feel by not being drawn into the cycle.
Your thoughts? Can you add anything to these suggestions?
Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.
Add to favorites
NML – There are some great ideas here for those that can’t go cold turkey & truly believe once you take a step back & can get out of the emotion of the situation & see it for what it truly is, is when you begin to heal. At least I know that to be true for myself.
I will truly miss these daily posts! You are wise beyond your years!
I was cracking up at the part about women “getting theirs” then rolling over to go to sleep! It’s about time we fired back! LOL
Ah, thank you! Never fear though, even though the series is finishing, I will continue with daily posts excluding the weekends! I agree that sometimes easing out will work as opposed to jerking out.
Amen on us getting ours – it’s about time! What’s terrible is that there are surprising number of women putting up with bad sex AND drama AND a bad man. Jaysus!
NML, that was me, mine had problems with ED, could that also be a reason they are EU?
My friend thinks that he doesn’t like women and is gay.
So true. I didn’t realize just how much better I’d feel if I didn’t see my ex all the time until work took him away for a couple weeks. When he came back, I simply wished he’d leave again. I felt so much better about myself when he wasn’t around.
And Astelle, I’ve certainly been there. I don’t think my ex is gay, but the ED problems were persistent, and they went almost completely unacknowledged. I didn’t want to put more pressure on him so I avoided talking about it as well, but it did a number on my self-confidence. At first it’s easy to brush it off, but after a few months it’s hard not to wonder if there’s something wrong with you if he can’t ever seem to get it up.
Astelle/Fake It – that is so weird. My EUM had issues with that as well. I have read that from several others here on this site that have dated EUM’s. Mine would actually say he had ejac when it was plain obvious he hadn’t. I couldnt even tell when he was finished most of the time. I think it is the EU that contributes to that problem. I don’t know if it is the cause of it but it may be what makes it worse. It is a self esteem killer on both parties I’m sure. I didn’t bring it up much for fear of making him feel worse as well. At 1st I thought it was just him & his issues but then I started wondering if it was me & if I turned him off in some way. I think with their commitment issues it would make sense that whatever is on their mind that particular day may have an impact on their performance. They are weird that way. Some will say it may be medical but I have a feeling more women that we think that are dealing with an EUM have run into this. Anyone else here have issues with this?
I believe now that my dude is also a narcissist and they really don’t like women (issues from childhood). If you have time, read about narcissists and see if you recognize your guy. I am not joking, sex is not that important than Control and manipulation is to them!
I believe some participate in gay activities and they date women – because that is what a man is suppose to do, isn’t it?
So, they date women here and there – not capable to commitment – one day they come across women like us that hang on – perfect, if they need ego strokes or the occasional sex, they know where to go to.
My dude, throw in the alcohol, age, high blood pressure – you get the picture.
If you think that your guy is truly just EU due to other reason than narcissist, it may be a medical issue.
Excellent, as always NML!
A couple of thoughts, one- you MUST listen to your gut and what YOU really want. Not your panic, not your fear of being alone, not even your attraction/lust. This HAS to be about what you want for YOUR life. Be firm. Be decisive (once you have made the decision-stick to your guns).
two- The ‘final big thing’ dealbreaker? Careful with this one. If you have been caught up in drama for so long, you may have already started to convince yourself that ‘oh, this wasn’t THAT bad’ or ‘well, he really didn’t mean it’…or do what I did, which was PICK a fight, just to get him to finally admit what he had done wrong. Trying in vain to get emotion out of him. I only hurt myself. So, be calm, be cool, be in control.
DON’T engage, even to get a reaction.
Funny, I look back at it now, and I think one of the reasons why I would pick a fight was because I DID want out, but just wasn’t listening to my gut. Creating my own drama, yet again.
xo
It seems clear that we want answers as to why our EUMs are the way they are. But, part of letting go and moving on is coming to the conclusion that we probably will never know the reasons why they are EUMs, we can’t rationalize their behavior or make any sense of it, and the bottom line is we don’t need people like this in our lives. Why waste time trying to psycho-analyze them? They aren’t spending any time at all trying to figure us out! I would much rather spend my time and emotional investment on someone who is worth it.
I was also thinking about the whole ED thing and my situation was a little different in that he could get an incredible erection…..but after a while he couldn’t ejac. Of course like all of you I thought was it something with me? He assured me it was his anti-depressant he was taking. But then I began to wonder if he was out shagging someone else either earlier that day or even the night or day before and therefore did not have the “reserve”. Who knows, but so sad that I allowed myself to settle for that and so many more selfish acts on his part sexually. Maybe also the ED as was mentioned comes from having absolutely NO EMOTIONS attached to the act or any genuine affection for you!!
Anti depressants do cause that issue, they can get it up but it’s hard to ejaculate. Also a lot of men with emotional issues, especially ones who get overwhelmed and withdraw, well it affects their labido just the same as when we are struggling.
For the most part my x and I had a great sex life but when he withdraw (hot/cold stuff that drives us nuts) then he withdrew all the way, he often still wanted to have sex but the erection could be weaker and would have a hard time ejaculating. I think we all could do with some post about men and how stress affects their labido? No sense in blaming yourself for it. They are not robots and stress/moods/anxiety/meds affect them just like us.
I’m be more worried if I were being disrespected in bed !
Thanks for all of your comments! I have just written this post https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/
which I think some of you will like!
Lee – that was true of my situation as well. There were times he had ED but most of the time he would say he had ejac when he hadn’t. Talk about “faking” an orgasm! I agree with you that genuine intimacy is prob the underlying prob.
Kim, you’re so right. It was easy to chalk the ED up to his own problems and the amount of stress he was under at the time. But after months? It’s impossible not to let that get to you. And never before had I been with someone who seemed so lukewarm about getting me naked for Christ’s sake! Once I went over to his house on a whim and we started making out. He had plans to go to a bar with some friends, who called while I was topless. I actually had to convince him not to go! And we had only fooled around a few times before — it’s not like we were in some years-long relationship and been sleeping together for ages.
I really don’t think I have a lot of body hang-ups, but my experience with him have certainly made me more anxious.
While I’m pretty sure he isn’t a narcissist, he’s definitely an EUM. And the ED wasn’t a medical problem; he could occasionally get an erection. And I’ve spent enough time reading about ED on the internet to know that such evidence indicates that his was an emotional or psychological problem.
OverIt, I hear what you’re saying. At the end of the day it may not matter much why these guys are the way they are. But I think it is important to acknowledge how their behavior has affected us. For a long time, I tried to pretend that my ex’s problems with ED didn’t screw with my self-confidence and saddle me with all kinds of doubts about whether I’m attractive enough for a guy to get hard when I’m lying in bed naked (can you think of a lower threshold?). Acting as though that isn’t the result of my relationship with my ex is intellectually dishonest — I’d never suffered these thoughts before — but also emotionally damaging.
And this guy, the one who had so many problems getting it up? He has the gall to tell me after we’d broken up that he couldn’t imagine staying in a relationship without sex. WTF is that all about? He had no problem dating ME without sex for several months: I was the one who ended it! It’s like he was trying to rewrite history!
I can’t wait to try this plan. I’ve tried the no-contact rule with the guy I’ve been seeing 4 or 5 times and I can’t stick to it for more than a week because he really pursues me when I ignore it. After my last NC episode he said it was a turn on because I was sticking up for myself! (guess he knows he’s a jerk)
I feel horrible when I’m with him and when I’m not with him and I know I can do a lot better. This last time he pulled the trump card, took me home to meet his mother. I got along great with her and she told him she really liked me, but that didnt matter and within 2 days his behavior was back to normal (not returning calls or texts etc.).
So I’m ready to be done and I’m setting a deadline of May 31! Wish me luck, this guy is my Kryptonite.
As long as we keep looking for answers everywhere but ourselves I guess we may find none. I have spent months trying to figure my EU out and I am nowhere near to an answer than I was months ago, sometimes ladies there are no answers. Life is and always will be inside out. The answers are within us.
When we are right, stand for something, believe in ourselves, things will very SLOWLY start to fall in place. Thanks to NML, you ladies I am begining to visualise that path.
This energy we give our them via our thoughts are depleting, I felt like I was treading this toxic swamp where I could neither swim or sink. I was miserable and all I could do was cry and not once was I offered solace or a kind word from him. Not once was he there when I needed him but I was there for him every single time.
I did what NML suggested, put the NC in place and well it has not been easy but this time I really wanted to get out but it works.
IT WORKS IF YOU WANT IT TO WORK.
Does not matter how long you’ve been with this EUM or how old you are, life is too short to be condoing bad behaviour and abuse.
Get out, Get Right, Chose Right and we’ll live and love right
God Bless
Amen, Sindh! I totally share your thoughts on this. This website is a great resource for gaining insight and then applying the knowledge you gained to truly make changes in your life. We need to make it ALL ABOUT US, not about these sad man-boys who are clueless. We need to empower ourselves, look within ourselves and do the hard work of tapping into why we choose the wrong men–this is where our energy should be placed. It’s sad to see that some of us have taken such a hit from these EUMs that it has impacted how we feel about ourselves and how we think the world sees us.
I truly have an addiction to my EUM. I want out but can’t seem to find the exit door. I know I am too available for him. He invited me out this weekend I couldn’t go the first time I had to say no to him and now it turns I out I could have gone so here I sit in withdrawals wondering if my exit door will be him breaking it off with me Im practically sitting on my hands not to ring him to say hey I can see you after all. Why is it so hard to break it off ?? Its not a good relationship and it seems to be on all his terms and he does tell me I’m not his girlfriend and there is no long term for us . Any insights would be nice. Sigh I find no contact terrifying but know that I really want to break my addiction to him.
tulipa,
i know it’s hard…i too have an addiction to my EUM. it’s 20 days NC for me (!!). the first two weeks were extremely difficult but it does get a little bit easier each day.
my EUM wasn’t seeing anyone else, but he wouldn’t commit to me, either. well, he said he was totally committed to me as a friend and if he were ready for a relationship, it would be me. and he asked why can’t i just be happy with that?
i had tried NC before, but always broke it within a week. i too couldn’t find the exit door but i realized it was closer than i thought…i always wanted him to make that decision – to be with me or not to be with me. i finally had to walk away from it. it’s hard and i miss him like you wouldn’t believe. but when i feel like calling him, i post here instead 😉
be kind to yourself – create the clarity you need and make that decision for yourself.
good luck
xoxo
Thankyou Ly, I somehow know he won’t make the decesion and it has to come from me. So far I have made no contact this weekend . I will wait for him to contact me and I will have a go. xx thankyou
I am so thankful that I found this site as it has really helped me out these past few weeks. I have been unable to do No Contact, so I am going to try the Get out Plan. He wants to be my friend and I cannot do this to myself any longer. I need to learn to breathe on my own.
Well I cut my EUM off cold turkey, well I think it was along the lines of just getting fed up and I just woke up in the morning and ended it.
I told him its over I need, want,deserve more then your willing to give or capable of giving and I will wait for the man to come that shares the same feelings about a relationship and commitment as I do..Soooooo See yeah..He did not like it he tried to call me and talk but I did not take his call I am done with this its hurts some moments more then the other but I have to push my way through this..