Tags: assclowns, boundaries - personal electric fence, closure, he's just not that into you, Obsessive entitlement

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woman exhaling in swimming pool

For years I was holding my breath without realising. As I floundered around in a sea of bad taste in men, emotional unavailability, and my unbeknownst to me commitment-phobia, I was stifling myself and struggling to breathe.

Each new guy that appeared in my life had me holding my breath in anticipation that he might be ‘The One’ – nevermind that I was subconsciously repeating poor relationship patterns over and over again that meant that I was choosing men that were the least likely candidates for a relationship!

I’m not exactly sure what I was waiting on, but I, like a lot of women have held my breath as I anticipated that my life might change with a relationship; that somewhere out there was a man with my name on it that held the key to my happiness.

I’ve lived in fear, lived in ambiguity, and even though I hadn’t realised it at the time, in not loving myself too much, I was instead hoping that someone would come into my life that would let me feel good about myself, let me feel loved, and ultimately let me exhale.

The funny thing is that each guy that comes into your life whilst you’re like this just ends up causing you to hold your breath even more.

Maybe he’ll suddenly realise that I’m not that special…

Maybe he’ll go off me…

He’s bound to go off with someone else because that’s what all the guys I meet do…

This all seems too good to be true. There has to be a catch…

I should be happy…yet I’m not…but I want this to be it…

Please let this be it because I just don’t think I can face starting over…

A few years back, I wrote a post called ‘exhale, embrace, and enjoy’ a couple of months before I met ‘the boyf’ and it was at a time in my life when I had finally begun to recognise that how happy or miserable I am, is largely down to myself.

It’s about how you can look back and say ‘Coulda, woulda, shoulda’, or ‘I can’t/I won’t/I wouldn’t’ or ‘Maybe this/Maybe that’ but at some point, you have to take a leap of faith on yourself, and when you are in a healthier place, you’ll also realise that when you do find a healthy relationship, you’ll have to take a leap of faith on that too.

We hold our breath out of fear, lack of confidence in ourselves, and underlying beliefs about ourselves, love, and relationships that create an undercurrent of foreboding. I’ve previously written about how I learned to love myself (also part two) but ultimately it comes down to:

You can choose to live in your fears or you can believe in the best possible you and start leading a life that is reflective of a more positive you.

As I’ve said before, positive woman equals positive relationship and I have absolutely no doubt that when I focused on shedding the negativity (and trust me, it’s not easy), my life became infinitely better. I turned my back on assclownary and other negativity and finally exhaled – and the great thing was that I exhaled before I met the boyf so I was just embracing and enjoying my life when he came along.

It felt good to exhale, brilliant even and it continues to this day. Ultimately I recognised that I had to start feeling about myself and perceiving myself as I wanted others to, and I realised that I no longer wanted to be in dark place with a dark cloud hanging over me.

My first step to exhaling was biting the bullet and ending things with my Mr Unavailable, taking a chance on myself and tuning out the negative voices of old. The more time that passed, the less he cluttered up my life and my head and I actually had the opportunity to think about something other than trying to figure out where the hell I stood with him or what might be wrong with me. I closed the lid on the unfinished business that arises when you let exes linger in your life and by cutting them off, but also cutting off my thinking, projecting, and hoping about them, it gave me closure. Finally.

Exhaling let me accept that I’d made mistakes, that my non relationship was over, and that for whatever reason, things hadn’t worked out in the past but that it was time to move on and put my best foot forward and be focused on myself. I accepted that the past was over and it was incredibly freeing.

At some point, you’ve got to stop waiting and just exhale so that you can start living, even if that means that you are not with someone because as many of you can attest to, getting a man, any man and calling it a relationship, isn’t the automatic key to happiness.

We have to learn to breathe on our own…

Your thoughts?

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