person isolated within a cage

In part one I followed up a recent post about normalising bad behaviour – where you become so departed from what you feel comfortable with, that the uncomfortable becomes the familiar and the comfortable – by explaining about how we can become isolated in our relationships.

This happens either because our desire to be with someone has us sidelining ourselves and forgetting about family, friends, work, passions, or because there can be direct and indirect messages from the other party which we react to try to please them and end up isolating ourselves. The unfortunate effect of this though is that by being with someone who is uncommitted, when we shelve everything around us and isolate ourselves, they aren’t there to support us either.

The key thing that will keep you in a relationship that is having a negative impact on you is fear.

Fear that everything they say about you is true and that they’re as good as it gets.

Fear that every negative thing you think about yourself is true – a self-fulfilling prophecy because in going out with people who reflect your negative beliefs they’re only going to serve to validate the negative, not contradict it.

Fear of being alone.

Fear that you can’t trust your judgement.

Fear that you’ll be nothing without them.

Fear of having to deal with whatever issues you have instead of focusing on them.

Fear that you’ll never find someone who brings out these extreme feelings in you.

Fear of loss and losing.

As I explained in a post last year about drama seeking triggers, you can end up having a relationship with your fear when you are letting your fears determine your experiences.

When I speak to readers and ask what they’re scared of, a number of the things are already happening, they just choose not to look at it that way, or what they imagine to be so awful hasn’t been reconciled with the reality of things.

For instance, often when we’re scared of being alone, it turns out that even when we’re with them we’re alone because they are not in the relationship with us that we want them to be.

Often when we fear that we’ll be nothing without them, we feel like nothing with them, anyway.

Often we’re afraid of what they’ll say or do if we don’t take their phonecall, or we don’t play by their rules and after a while, you have to wonder, if you want out of the pain, isn’t it time to ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen?

If the worst that can happen is that you discover that he really is as awful as you think he is and that he’s not capable of giving you what you want, this is actually freeing. Flogging a dead horse and sticking to them like glue isn’t going to change them.

If you’re not happy now being treated in this manner or being in a poor relationship, what makes you think that you can stick it out for the rest of your days?

If the worst that can happen is that he says things that whilst cruel, you know them to be untrue, this is freeing because not only do you recognise that this person has a distorted perception of you that they’re not prepared to shift from because it doesn’t suit their agenda, but that they’re not the type of person that you should be around anyway.

If you have to convince someone of your worthiness, doesn’t that say a lot about their lack of judgement and care? You shouldn’t have to sell the concept of being with you.

The likelihood is that whatever you fear, in the overall scheme of things, it’s a fraction of what will happen in the reality. Many of us have often thought we’d never recover from breaking up with some guy, but we do.

What’s the worst that can happen? Well you won’t know unless you actually try because staying and expecting a different result from the same dynamic is relationship insanity.

If you truly want to be happy and you’re finding yourself invariably feeling rather miserable trying to extract a decent relationship out of someone who is resisting, you’re going to need to feel the short term pain to feel the medium to long term gain.

We’re afraid of feeling the pain and we’re also afraid of confronting our fears and dealing with them so we can free ourselves up to enjoy our lives.

We spend far too much time trusting in the wrong things than we do in the right.

Unless you learn to trust your gut, instincts, and judgement and act upon them, you will flounder in fear with a guy who detracts from you.

Trust is about having faith in how others (or yourself) will act.

If you don’t trust yourself, you don’t have faith in you.

As long as you ride with fear, you’re basically saying “I’d rather trust in the possibility of something bad happening rather than have faith in myself that I could opt out of a poor situation and make a better life and experience for myself based on positive choices”

This is because operating out of fear is about making negative choices born out of negative beliefs and feelings.

Feeling isolated in relationships breaks your spirit but unfortunately the only way to break the isolation is to start having faith in you.

Even a little faith gives you strength which allows you to act on your judgement which when you get past the pain and start to enjoy the freedom from this negativity, allows you to have confidence in yourself and your judgement.

If I had a choice between having faith in myself and taking a risk on me versus trusting someone who has demonstrated their lack of commitment to me, has been cruel, and whose actions contradict their words, I’d opt for me.

Trust me, I’ve been there before, letting my fears rule me. One day I woke up and realised that this could be it for me and that was pretty damn scary.

I realised that placing my faith in other people to act in my best interests was pretty crazy when I couldn’t even place enough faith in myself to act in my own best interests.

If you’re isolated, either because you internalised what they’ve said and done and isolated yourself as a reaction to it, or as a result of the control that they’ve exerted upon your life, or a combination of both, it doesn’t feel very good because isolation is bloody horrible.

If the ‘worst’ that can happen by opting out of your fear and taking a risk on you, is that you stop being isolated in a poor relationship with him because you’ve stepped out of the craziness into reality and felt the fear and pushed through it, maybe it’s time you braved the unknown because surely, what you know doesn’t feel that good, isn’t making you happy, and you’re not getting the relationship you want.

If what you know, the familiar, yields misery, isn’t it safe to say that opting for a different path may be where your happiness lies?

You’re waiting for their behaviour to change, for them to validate you, for them to admit their errors and poor judgements but you could be in for a very long wait. All this waiting is putting you in limbo and isolation and the fact of the matter is that you don’t need him to confirm or unconfirm what you already know – you can’t force someone too see something that they don’t want to see.

You also get to avoid the reality of your relationship and issues you may have because the isolation feeds the illusion. If you start to let in reality, you may have to acknowledge and accept some very uncomfortable things.

Back for the final part 3 where I talk about removing the power that you give them and perceive them to have.

Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.

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125 Responses to Becoming isolated in relationships – Part Two

  1. Anusha says:

    Aega-”I was not enough. My personality, looks, smarts, and love for him didn’t measure up to the comfort of his home life.”

    Yes you do have a lot of good traits and the reason he didnt left his wife to be with you doesnt mean that she is better than you.Like NML said on her post about felling rejected by the EUM,is having to fully comit to a relationship and to be emotionaly avaliable that they reject not you.I dont know his wife but I can bet that she probably acept his crapy behaviour and doesnt demand for more and that probably the reason he is with her.It has nothing to do with she being better than you.But you know that isnt enough for you,you want more.You want healthier relationships and that man cant give you that.

    And I still think you should delete him(if you havent yet),it realy does you no good to keep wondering what he is doing.Again it just doesnt matter.I know is hard to just let go and stop looking for answers,trust me I drive myself crazy wondering about things yet but there is no point.We wont come up with any answers and it will just waist our energy and bring negative emotions.He cant give you the relationship you want and that is that is all that matters.All the whys,how,if,should wont make any diference.I fell very rejected for my ex,like I said before he used to act like if he didnt care much about me during our relationship and after the break up even(he not even once asked me how I was or showed any interest to keep contact with me after we broke up).And he used to say he loved me,that he broke up with me because he didnt think we could work together but that he still loved me.But realy he havent acted as somebody who love much.And yes it hurts and I keep thinking sometimes why he didnt love me or why he didnt care for me,but it just doesnt matter anymore.I wont find the answer anyway and will just do me more bad to hang on to that.For our own good we just have to let it go.That is what Im trying to do now and I hope you can do it too.

  2. Butterfly says:

    @Aega – yeah it is. Sad but true = the only person who can fix it is you.

    I had an offline message from a (male) friend who had been reading the site, saying that a lot of us here are a bunch of men haters and we’re clinging onto something, have we not looked at our own behaviour. I can’t say I agree with the man hating thing and I’ve said as much but there is truth to that about behaviour and clinging, even if it is at a rudamentary level. Please understand that guys probably CAN’T understand – this is a guy I’d never date in a million years even if it were on the cards and I’ve said as much to him – but there’s something in there about look at your own behaviours.

    I’ve been weeping in bed for about 15 minutes, having slept the day away (clearly I needed it, they’ve been digging up the road overnight all week!). About him? No. Meant, when I was crying this morning listening to a song it was not about him. It’s about me – more accurately it’s about Progesterone and now I am taking up the mantra “It doesn’t matter” cos it DOESN’T matter, just means a trip to stock up on sanitary products.

    love to you all

  3. Meant to be Happy says:

    @Isabella – wow, another example of getting hurt when re-contacting an EUM. Sorry you had to endure that. The ex-wife story sounds very complex! You have decided to be done with him, and you probably know from this site that going NC (blocking his calls) and working on yourself is the only way to heal. I wish you luck with doing what you need to do to recover from this.

    @Aega – it sounds like you’re getting closer to deleting your ex from MSN – that’s great!! You wrote “ (I have been) searching the entire two years’ worth of memories for an explanation. I have such a strong need to understand. NML and all of us have said over and over again that it doesn’t matter, that there are no answers to be had and one needs to just let go. But I can’t. I just can’t. I want to know how it feels to have me completely gone from his life after he had professed for 2 years that he couldn’t imagine a life without me.” – this is my reality, too, but I am slowly accepting that all that matters is what aphrogirl mentioned – he has given me the best he can, and it’s not enough. These are MM we are dealing with! Their commitment is to their wives, not to us, no matter how much they say they love us.

    You said “I guess the pathetic point I’m trying to make here that there’s more to me than a booty call, fantastic as those may have been.” – YES, that’s exactly how I have felt too – but as NML points out, we shouldn’t have to convince someone of our worth! NML also said on one of the “compatibility” posts (I think) that we may believe we have all these awesome qualities – good looks, educated, funny, good social skills, many interests and hobbies, etc, etc. But really, all these things are just superficial when it comes to relationships. That was really an “aha” for me. So what if I’m better looking, better educated, have better social skills than the exMM AND his wife (from what he tells me of her). None of that matters. The qualities of good partners are those Brad talks about – discipline, honour, honesty, integrity, etc. When I look for those qualities in myself, especially when I think of my interactions with someone else’s partner, I see I am not that great a catch any more. I have not had the self-discipline to steer clear of someone else’s husband. I have not honoured a couple’s wedding vows. I have not been honest in my meetings with my exMM, as I never told *anyone* my true whereabouts when I met up with my exMM in motels. I am not living a life of integrity as no one in my life knows about my relationship with him – I have had to keep him compartmentalized and secret. I have to work on being a person of honour and integrity. So really, I don’t think I can compare myself to his wife, as I don’t know how she “rates” in these more important (to a relationship) qualities. He also tells me she refuses to sleep with him, but does that make her a terrible person with character flaws? Probably not. Anusha is right – the wives probably put up with a lot of crap, and they deserve a satisfactory relationship with these guys more than we do. I am returning my ex to his rightful “owner”, and hope that they are able to work things out. I am going to join in your chant – “It’s over, it’s over, it’s over.”

    @Leonine – it’s good to hear from you. I look forward to the next time you make a post – you always have a great perspective on all this relationship stuff.

    @Angelina – “I keep searching for some sort of sense. Something to say, “Yeah, that’s it. Now, I know and I can deal with it and move on.” – yes, that would be wonderful!!! “my EUM got a hold of my psyche in a way that no one else ever even tapped.” – me too, and my emotional reaction to him took me completely off guard (that’s a line from a song I think – by ?Heart? Nothing at All?) Anyway, yes, the connection was like none other in my 40 plus years on this earth. And that’s why I think that fear NML mentioned of never meeting anyone who brings out these intense emotions in me has some truth for me. What caused us to go here? Unmet needs, I’d say. And a promise of having them filled that turned out to be a “mirage” to quote Butterfly. We need to have these needs met within ourselves, or from healthier people. Who did the studies on the women who never recover? We don’t have to be “one” of them!

    @Butterfly – yes, I realized you weren’t crying for your ex, but for your wasted time – the “he” I was talking about was Chris Daughtry, lol, and I’m still curious which song it was :) How does your friend figure we’re men-haters when we are trying to figure out how to have a satisfying relationship with a man??? And you are due for another cycle to begin? Wow, can’t believe a month has gone by since our last “PMT” discussion, lol!!! I hope you feel better soon. I find chocolate helps…

  4. Butterfly says:

    It might not be a month … my cycle is, uh. complex.

  5. Meant to be Happy says:

    That sounds like a pain!!! I thought we were kinda around the same time, but I’m not due for another 10 days or so :P

    Which song was it? lol

    “No Surprise??”

  6. Isabella says:

    @ Meant to be Happy: so right, so right. I was doing pretty good with NC and went about 8 months and then broke it when I talked with ex-EUM at month 9. I got depressed and hurt all over again because I went back to expecting things to be different then I found out about his ex-wife. Did I ever learn my lesson. I also finally got it, that the EUM/Assclown lie, lie, lie from the smallest to the largest things. NC right now.

  7. Aega says:

    @Butterfly’s Male Wrong-Conclusion-Drawing Friend
    This site has attracted almost exclusively the exact opposite of a man hater. Nearly everyone here has ended or is ending a relationship she had been committed to far more than her partner, and yet all of us are soul searching and sounding out possible reasons that had led to the demise of that relationship. I imagine a man-hater would hardly look to share the blame. Of course, sometimes we get angry; wouldn’t anyone? I don’t believe, however, that there has been a single instance here of attributing a former partner’s hurtful behavior to his being male. We all recognize the men in our lives as people, not just members of a gender.

    OK, a little defensive here, sorry… But I can’t be lumped in with man haters a month before my deep sea fishing trip with “the guys”… It’s bad enough I’m a vegetarian… :-)

    @Angelina
    You asked,” What is it that caused us to go there? And, are we married to men who are a different kind of EMR?” In my relationship, he had tapped into my psyche so much that we were finishing each other’s sentences long before the friendship moved to the physical stage. That is what caused me to go there. The physical attraction, for me, came after that “meeting of the minds”. It was almost as though I had come to love what was inside him so much that his appearance became just a window to the rest of him. I loved his face because I knew all of its nuances and what emotions they corresponded to.

    He used to say that his favorite part of me was the unguarded one that only surfaced when we were alone. Shortly after we fell into the affair, he asked me to bring pictures of me as a kid, and he brought his as well. I can’t really explain how or why these vulnerable parts were so important to us in each other, only maybe that we had both had pretty rotten childhoods and being able to invoke old fears and insecurities for the first time before someone that understood and didn’t judge was so incredibly liberating. It seemed to make up for a lot we had missed over the years. We told each other things that we had never even said out loud to ourselves before.

    I know that I went there because it felt like coming home. Maybe none of it was real; I guess I’ll never know now. Maybe, like you said, he could not “make a commitment to someone who really is available for love.” Maybe he didn’t think I was.

    @Anusha and Meant
    I read somewhere once that no one can ever understands the dynamics of a marriage unless he or she is in it. Of all people, when I first started working with my MM, my husband disparaged his wife a couple of times. One has to appreciate the irony that I rather heatedly defended her at the time, accusing him of being superficial about women’s looks and blaming his dislike of what he called “her bossiness” on the fact that he is very forceful himself and always needs to get his way. I told him that none of that mattered because whatever it was they had was working for them and they were happy. Here is for the heaviest of irony: my husband said that he (the MM) got trapped into a situation where he was being used as a meal ticket and that if I thought this was happy then I was seriously lacking in judgment.

    His wife may very well be a better person that I am. I don’t know. What I struggle with is that what we had seemed so visceral; over the years we saw each other at our worst and motivated one another to do what mattered to us. I have no doubt that she has discipline whereas I don’t. I’ve had fear keep me in inertia more times that I can count. Honor and integrity? Probably that, too. But I remember when he was so stressed by work that he ended up with ulcers and two thirds of his normal weight, and another opportunity came up that was more or less his dream job, but he was pressured into staying where he was because his wife didn’t want to move away from their in-laws. She said that she would then have to have the kids with her almost every day and that was inconvenient.

    I know I know it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t give me the right to break up a marriage. I don’t want to come across, however, as thinking myself better than his wife. Or deserving him more because of superficial things like looks, brains, or whatever. I don’t feel a sense of entitlement. On the contrary, I loved and wanted him because I *needed* him and thought that he needed me in ways we didn’t experience with the people we had married. What had brought us together where the not-so-stellar qualities – deficiencies, really – that we shared. Or thought we did.

    I suppose the worst aspect of this whole aftermath is the quicksand of second guessing. Was any of it real? If not, then I haven’t lost much in the process. But if it was, then the odds of this degree of connection happening again are slim.

    @Butterfly, a.k.a. ye who hast the answers… If I just wrote a self-serving, woe-is-me novel here because of hormones… Well, you may just be right again. A thousand curses (and a bottle of Midol….) :-)

  8. Aega says:

    I forgot this one tidbit – my whiny self-pity notwithstanding, I did do the delete deed.

  9. cece says:

    Getting familiar with yourself again after the EUM

    Hi ladies, I have been reading all the stories and thinking to myself how is everyone doing int terms of getting bak in touch with yourselves after the EUM/AC’s. For me it has been 7 years and I’m in the process of trying to get to know me again… it’s a strange place to be in. Classes/traveling/swimming? What is everyone else doing?

  10. cece says:

    @Aega – yay! glad you deleted the ex, a small step in the right direction

  11. cece says:

    Aega – yay! glad you deleted the ex, a small step in the right direction

  12. Butterfly says:

    @Aega – good – it’s for the best.

    Do I have the answers? Hell no. If I did I’d not be sitting here crying about the good times with my ex but one, who is on my mind a lot these last few days. He’s a Narc tho … him saying we were soulmates 10 years ago, then when I came back home after my mirage visit saying “I always thought I was your soulmate but looks like I am wrong”. Neither of them were … I’m so afraid right now that I will be alone forever, how the hell can I trust anything nice a man says to me ever again?

    This is where the real work starts I spose, the forgetting these idiots is like jettisoning the booster jets on a rocket.

    It’s hormonal. As I said above, my cycle is very complex due to medical issues so I don’t have the certainty and familiar/predictable times most women do.

  13. Anusha says:

    Aega-Good for you that you deleted him,you will see how that will make you fell less atached to him :)

    I know I wrote yesterday that realy doesnt matter but I have been thinking about all the reasons.I just cant understand my ex,I tried for years but I cant.I cant understand how he can say he loves me and act how he does.How he can love me but show no interest to know how Im or what is going on my life? How he can not fell any desire to be around me? I just realy dont get that.Is the oposite of the way that a person that loves should behave to me.I just cant get it for more I try,he says is love but to me just doesnt look like it.

  14. Angelina says:

    All: Something that “struck” me, as I am working through this situation . . .

    Even knowing that the relationship is over, that I have to protect me with complete N/C, and that he is who he is (as in, treated me in a manner that was less than respectful, and doesn’t really “get” that, so he will never change) . . .

    How does one truly move on, when one knows that she still cares for this person?

  15. Aega says:

    @cece
    Thank you. I do owe having been able to do it to all of you here – my fear of the feeling of loss deepening once I severed that tie would have kept me in limbo for a long time. But I know that I can come here blubbering or in self-righteous indignation and everyone understands why it’s such a big deal, and knowing this puts training wheels on my NC bicycle.

    7 years with your EUM or 7 years since? (isn’t it amazing what a chunk of one’s life one person can claim?) You are right that it is a strange place to be because to a certain degree we had become an extension of these men, and vice versa, much more so than in a healthier relationship. One day I tried to approximate how much time I had been spending just talking/emailing with my MM and it was something like 4 hours, more on the weekends. Considering that I have two demanding careers and spend a good ten hours a week running, the time with him had been all the free time I had. Friends had gone by the wayside; time spent talking to my parents had been marginalized; I had stopped any leisure reading. The most astounding aspect of it all is that I had not *missed* the absence of these interactions. No one had ever monopolized my time and attention to this degree before, not even when I was first married and crazy in love. In fact, after I had met my husband, my circle of friends and family grew as we combined both our lives and incorporated each other into our preexisting social networks.
    In the 4 weeks of my near-NC (still seeing what he was saying to me but not talking to him), not even as a conscious effort, I started to make myself available to other people again. I always meet a lot of people via the gallery circuit and in dog parks. When I was in constant contact with the MM, I would shirk the obligations that usually follow making an acquaintance – exchanging phone numbers, attending events, etc. I didn’t even think about this till you brought up the question, but just recently I have joined a running group, started calling my parents again at least once a week, finally finished “Middlemarch”, and took my colleagues up on being the token female on a fishing trip. And – most of all – I have spent hours here, on this website, reading the perspectives and experiences of some kick-ass women, whose support and insight have left me in grateful wonder of their extraordinary hearts and minds.

    @Anusha
    I know that makes no sense. It defies basic logic. Whenever the same question hits me I remind myself of Butterfly’s concept of the mirage: his love is confined to his fantasy of you. Within the parameters of that fantasy his emotions feel very real to him, but they cannot and do not make the transition into the real world. Think back to being a teenager: did you ever have a crush on an actor after seeing him in a movie whose plot had really resonated with you? Although you were physically attracted to the person that played the role, the crush didn’t begin until you got to “know” the character that person portrayed in the film, right? And when you later spun fantasies of being with that man, you were visualizing a relationship based on the traits which the *character* had displayed, and not the real-life member of the Actors’ Guild who stood 5’6” or so without the inserts and had a little coke habit that occasionally got him arrested (Jan-Michael Vincent, anyone?  )
    You embody his “perfect woman”. He probably has more pictures of you on his hard drive than you do of him. I can guarantee you that *his* you has never had a pimple or a tampon failure. “His you” never gets a snotty nose, never sees his “adorable foibles” for the major character flaws they are, and would never send him to the store for “sanitary supplies”. He doesn’t need to ask after how or what you are doing, because he already knows – you are busy being a goddess. He has a very clear mental picture of your sylphine physique reclining on a chaise-lounge in your seductive boudoir, spending your time oozing delphic allure. Or some such.

    Case in point: the flesh-and-blood me sitting on my yoga mat; the phone rings, it’s *him*. A quick how-are-you and what-are-you-up-to and he instantly zeroes in on the yoga part. An impromptu fantasy ensues. The flesh-and-blood me, entranced by the sound of his voice, follows the unfolding story with bated breath. At some point the fantasy me in his story puts both legs over my head. I laugh a little and say that I may be limber but I can’t do that. “That’s OK”, he says, lost in reverie. “In my mind you can”. On my end of the phone line something dies a little; the flesh and blood me will not be required to live out this particular scenario. He is not day-dreaming about me while I’m gone because he misses me. The illusion he has created is not a temporary substitute for the flesh-and-blood me; it exists in and of itself. I just happen to be playing the starring role.

    @Butterfly – you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of staying alone. Sorry, chica, but you’ve got too much substance, spark, and acuity for the opposite gender to pass you by. Think – this site is pretty unique; if you were to surf around looking for a community that resembles this one, you’d be hard pressed to find one (I know, because it took me a long time to come across this one). The logical conclusion here is that the EUM experience is hardly common, at least for women with the kind of power of introspective reasoning you possess. Men as a species are one of this planet’s most fantastic inventions; they care, they do, they protect, and they love without reservations or old grudges. (They open peanut butter jars, too…) You are in grief right now, still smarting from your experience, and looking at the world through the filter of recent disappointment (not to mention raging hormones right now). I don’t remember much from Catholic school except this: “This too shall pass”. You were the one who has told me more than once now that your resilience is a matter of being further down the recovery path than I am. I’ve read what you said more than once and it has got me through some pretty hopeless feeling days. And … You. Were. Right. We love, we hurt, despair, and at some point we begin trucking on again. The world is chockfull of great guys, and when the anesthesia wears off (I love that term Serena coined) you will start noticing them and letting them inside you pale.

    I’m on vacation. Apparently time on my hands = verbal diarrhea …

  16. aphrogirl says:

    I think we move on by realizing and accepting it all. The sadness, the pain, the anger. Accepting that we had an amazing connection with the person ( most likely because of some issues we both need to work on) That the connection presented an incredible opportunity to work with a person we loved and wanted to mutually work through all our stuffs with. That the person did not want to run with the incredible opportunity presented..or, in the case of an AC….they did, they did not, they did, they did not..But, in the end, the fact is, they did not want to run with the incredible opportunity presented.

    We move on by realizing the truth, that this is the way it is and there is nothing we can do to make the other take advantage of the opportunity. We move on by realizing that we have been given a new opportunity to deal with the issues that the strong connection and desires with the EUM brought up.

    Moving on means going forward, not staying stuck. Forward had no speed requirements, in my case it is slow, and though it is frustrating sometimes, I think that slow is OK, as long as we go forward. We are talking bout broken hearts after all, and they do not get that way, nor repair all that quickly. Staying NC, if it’s all you can manage, is still moving forward.

  17. Aega says:

    @aphrogirl

    “in the case of an AC….they did, they did not, they did, they did not…”

    As much as that see-saw hurt – and still does – I’m sitting here cracking up. :-) This is soooo on the money!

  18. aphrogirl says:

    I wanna say one more thing before i get to work…all my writing does sound so soulfully sad when I reread what I write, and it is completely heartfelt and sincere but…do not picture me as a sad lonely person at her keyboard cause….I do laugh, a lot.

    Once a few years back, I had said to the AC, when I was really angry about a very flaky EUM thing he did. that I was angry, that I would be feeling hurt about it next, but eventually I would be able to laugh about it. Meaning laugh about the absurdity of his flaky AC antics.

    I did not know then that to be able to laugh I’d also have to be in NC. Areseclown is such a perfect word to describe him.

  19. Anusha says:

    Aega-”I know that makes no sense. It defies basic logic. Whenever the same question hits me I remind myself of Butterfly’s concept of the mirage: his love is confined to his fantasy of you.”

    Indeed it makes no sense at all and I spent years trying to come up with some sense from that.I think maybe he loves me on his own way but that way is so strange to me.Having a relationship isnt just be there(sometimes) and say I love you from time to time,there are things you suposed to do and those things were missing in my relationship with him.Sometimes I think he confused a sexual atraction for love.He likes how I look,he is sexualy atracted to me and thought that was love maybe.Like I said here once,when I asked him after we broke up if he was over me yet he said “No if I was over you I wouldnt be joking(meaning the sexual jokes texts that he used to send me) with you like that”.I realy couldnt see the relation of that and he loving me.I mean I can fell sexualy atracted to a hot actor for example but that doesnt necessaraly means I love him.Being sexualy atracted doesnt mean you love somebody to me,so why he based his answer on that I realy dont get it.And the basic of love like wanting to be around the person as much as possible never was there,he was fine with short contact.I just cant get it,for more I have tried.

  20. Anusha says:

    Or I think maybe he just doesnt know how to conect with people.He interacts with them(go out,spend time with them) yes but doesnt conect.Like for example his best friend would complain that he almost never iniciated contact and that once when he was going trough some problems,my ex never showed up or gave him a call.Or with his family too,like once when his sisters had moved out for about 6 months already and he havent been there to get to know the house not even once.Or when his mother had got a caravan for over a year and all his family had been there on weekends and he never had been there.Sometimes I just think that he just doesnt know how to have a fully commited relationship with people.Like I said before he just doesnt conect but I guess that is exactaly why he is a EUM.

  21. Butterfly says:

    @Anusha

    Babe. One step forward, two steps back. I am saying this to you for you, k? Ready?

    Shut up about him!

    This is what you need to say to yourself. Shut up about him. It doesn’t matter one little bit where where how he is like he is: he is not or should not be part of your consideration any more. You can’t fix him and … ok finally I give in and adopt it: IT DOESN’T MATTER.

    Are there clouds in the sky today? Did you remember to take vitamins or whatever? Have you eat your 5 (or better yet 7, and no I haven’t either) portions of fruit and veg today, drunk enough water? These things matter. What and why he is what he is … so what? Seriously, if you applied the energy to yourself that you still so willingly throw his way you could probably move mountains.

    @Aega – thank you. I know :) I was just underlining the point that I am no oracle and I am as fallable as the next woman.

  22. Meant to be Happy says:

    @Aega – “no one can ever understands the dynamics of a marriage unless he or she is in it.” – true enough.

    “What I struggle with is that what we had seemed so visceral” – visceral to me connotes unconscious, or maybe subconscious thoughts and feelings. That lizard part of your brain again. Do you give that more weight than the conscious choice you made to marry your husband because he seemed to fit well with your values, shared your dreams, and loves you enough to make a commitment to be with you? I do think I know what you mean about the EUM/MM connection, though, as I mentioned to Angelina re: my emotional reaction to my ex (above). But consciously, I know a relationship with him is not healthy, and wouldn’t be so even if he left his wife and came running into my arms.

    “I loved and wanted him because I *needed* him and thought that he needed me in ways we didn’t experience with the people we had married. What had brought us together where the not-so-stellar qualities – deficiencies, really – that we shared” – sorry, I just don’t understand this part. Because you felt you needed each other, you therefore loved him? I’m not trying to be difficult, I just don’t get why you felt that deep connection to someone with “shared deficiencies” – did it help you to feel better about yourself?

    I agree with cece, Butterfly and Anusha – that’s so fantastic that you deleted your ex from MSN. I remember how difficult that was for me, too, but also realized later it was a sort of “NC milestone”. So you don’t have to see him online anymore – fantastic! And you said you are “home” for a few days – I can’t help but wonder – are you in the home you share with your husband? If so, is that helping to gain any clarity for you?

    @cece – I am getting back in touch with myself through reconnecting with friends and family, and by starting therapy. Also spending a lot of time thinking and reflecting on my life.

    @Butterfly – I agree with Aega – “you’ve got too much substance, spark, and acuity for the opposite gender to pass you by.” – I am also a member of your fan club, and can’t imagine you not being able to find someone you are happy with :) Just a matter of time, I’m sure.

    @Anusha – I know it must have been hard to read what Butterfly posted to you, but I must say I agree with her, and I think it comes from a place of concern for you, and of understanding, so I hope you were able to see it that way.

    @aphrogirl – “they did, they did not, they did, they did not..” – lololol!!! “Moving on means going forward, not staying stuck” – yes, yes, yes!

    Brad just wrote this on another post, and I think it’s good food for thought: “any time you have a destination, you have enough work to do to fill up any life time. Instead of thinking of time you used to spend elsewhere, consider what you need to accomplish today, this year, and in the next ten years.” Let’s all imagine how and where we want to be in the future – our destination. Let’s think of what that destination looks like. Let’s take steps to reaching that destination!

  23. Anusha says:

    Butterfly and Meant to be Happy-I understand that Butterfly was just trying to put me back on track and didnt got ofended by what she said :) I myself said to the women here to stop worring about him and concetrate on you many times,I guess I should be following my own advice.I guess like most of us here I just was trying to find the answers that I never got.But you all are right it just doesnt matter.

  24. Tulipa says:

    Thank you to all who posted comments and for your support…
    I like the idea that you allow yourself 15 minutes a day to process things then you get on with life..
    I always wake up thinking about him and how I feel and ask myself the question will today be the day he contacts me.. answer NO then will you break contact answer NO.. why because in the past I have always ran behind him going hey here I am remember me remember what you said??? I already have my answer as to what type of person he is and though it will be hard not to wish him Happy B’day I am determined not too.. thanks for the encouragement not to..
    I don’t kid myself that I’m on his mind and because of that I don’t think he belongs on my mind..
    Isabella I hope youa re doing okay and are back in no contact and ignoring someone who clearly shows you no respect.. I know easier said than done .. but continued good luck

    • NML says:

      Baggage Reclaim now has its own social network where you can create groups and set up forum topics and even chat with other members. This has been set up so that lengthier more personal discussions can take place without causing disruption to the comments.

      I have now reopened comments on this post – please ensure that any new comments are on topic and in line with the guidelines which are highlighted at the top of the comments box. Thanks

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!