When you’re The Other Woman, it will often feel like incredible highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with the guy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site, and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first, think about this point first?
Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, you’re wasting your own time. Otherise….
1. Be firm and strong.
Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. This time he can’t.
2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.
If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don’t hold up after the event and he’ll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.
3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.
Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now.
4. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be with HER.
5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years?
6. Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together.
7. Go cold turkey.
If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don’t worry. There should be absolutely no contact.
8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have.
When I speak to women in involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in a tight routine is how he stops himself from getting caught out and fits you into his schedule. You must break the routine. Put it on voicemail or turn off your voicemail but don’t pick up calls. Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. Be busy. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address.
9. Tell somebody that you trust.
You’d be surprised at how many women act in secrecy which actually further plays into the man’s hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support. Choose someone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that it’s time to quit.
10. Steer clear of dating till you are ready to date. This also protects you from knee jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable due to craving some sort of emotional replacement – there is no progress in ditching a married man for an emotionally unavailable man. There is also no point in dating if it’s a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentially becomes available. The only time you should date is when you are truly ready to move on and the married guy doesn’t figure any longer.
11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal. There is no quick fix and you don’t feel better immediately. In fact, you’re likely to feel like sh*t in the short-term. You must give it time though. Weather the storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears and frustration but don’t give in. Your ‘relationship’ is over.
12. See a counsellor or therapist. If you have been in relationships that have a habit of wearing down your self esteem, if you want to understand your relationship patterns, if you feel you need a little extra help or if you feel very low, this is the ideal way of helping you to heal, understand and move on.
13. Address other areas of your life that have suffered whilst you were with the attached guy. No matter what you think, something or someone, or both suffered whilst you focused your energies on your situation. If you let work slide or put off career decisions, prioritise it. If you have neglected friends or family, build bridges. If you have neglected yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are truly intent on succeeding. It’s because it’s been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place.
14. Yes I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this and you wouldn’t be breaking up. You wouldn’t even want more.
15. Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and realise that your situation is not unique, most of the stories of why these men cheat are the same, most of the time it ends in tears, and you, The Other Woman will always play second fiddle as long as you put yourself in this role.
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more
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Thanks a lot NML (Site Owner). Also, thanks for trying to provide an alternate outlet instead of just closing the site and leaving nowhere for us to vent. Keep us posted on your progress.
Well,
MM was calling me all weekend while I was in NC. I didn’t answer. He left me two voicemails on Sat. gettiing mad because I didn’t anser.
Well I came back early and got home Saturday night around 2am. I hadn’t answered any of his calls for over a week or contacted him. I was feeling great and happy that I really felt free and over him.
Short lived victory.
He showed up on my doorstep at 6:15am saying he has been trying to call me. Said he was calling because he and 3 of our mutual friends were going to Atlantic City and he wanted me to go. (We had discussed going over the summer once before)Anyway, he said he drove by my house a couple of times over the weekend and realized I was out of town.
So I was feeling strong and good. So I just told him it was over and why. I told him about how I had been feeling for a while and that next month will be 1 whole year that we have been together and blah, blah, blah.
So he said that all that I just said he was going to let just be. I told him he didn’t have a choice but to let it be and I told him I wasn’t sad about it.
So he changed the conversation to something normal for a few minutes. Then he asked me to hug him because he is really going to miss me. Then he said he was tired because he didn’t go home last night and he just got back in town and wanted to know if he could take a nap. I said ok. Then he started to say all this stuff. (Not empty promises, just how he felt about me)
Said he did’t want to break up,,etc. One thing led to another,,,and once again he had broken me down. He got there at 6 am. He had to go do something at work so he left and had me pick him up 30 minutes later to take him there and I was with him while he worked. Then he came back to my house and he stayed with me all night. It was wonderful. We woke up Monday morning and he got dressed and went to work. He said so much. He hadn’t been home for 2days. Yesterday I went and saw him at work. He called me after he picked up his kids.
I am back to being sad because part of me is happy for the time because I love him but the other part of me is sad because back into the tangled web I go. Also, when he stays for a while and then he’s gone it seems more empty or lonlier than it was before he stayed.
He said to me when is he going to be able to wake up and see my face every morning? I said to myself that is a choice you can make,,not me. I didn’t tell him that though.
So ladies I am back on the roller coaster. I should be reading how to cope with being the other woman since breaking up never seems to work for me.
LS — staking his claim, that is exactly what I was thinking! I guess he feels better the more people he thinks know about him being in my life… I am actually the one who has refused to allow him to meet my mom…otherwise he’d be all over it! My family is waiting to bombard any guy I bring over with questions about getting married… I’m not about to make myself look like a fool with MM!
His friends pretty much all know we’re together. He even told his uncle or his cousin or something…
NML, a discussion board would be awesome!
Just in case though, LS and anyone else who would like to keep chatting while this project is underway, my e-mail is ravegods@yahoo.com…
SeeTheLight, I emailed you so you have my email address too, so we can stay in touch. Also if anyone else would like to email me that I have been talking to, Unique, Laura, etc…. here is my email:
neeker24@msn.com
I don’t want to lose touch with any of you ladies, this site and talking with you has helped me so much and gets me through every day and I don’t know what I would do if it went away!
Anyway, SeeTheLight: I hear you, even if my MM said I could tell people about him I would never do it until he was fully divorced, no way! Cause I know what people would say, think, etc…Esepcially my family. So I don’t blame you at all and he is just trying to make himself known in your life to everyone probably so that people don’t hit on you and vice versa. They don’t want too much competition you know. Last night was a bad night for me and my MM. I told you about the shit that he said to me yesterday about his “great weekend” and how he said I was overreacting about it and what not, so we were talking last night and I said again, “if your life is so great and you feel so bad obviously we should not be together.” And he was like “no, I need you, I love you so much, please don’t leave me” the same ol same ol. But last night I don’t know what it was, I was just pissed at him for what he had said earlier in the day so the words did not make me melt like they normally would and then of course as I started to talk to him more and get myself all upset and emotional, what does he do?? He says “I gotta get home”………Of course, just when I need him most, he leaves. So I spent most of the night crying which I hate more than anything! it just goes to show me how fucked up my relationship with him is. He leaves, I spend the night crying about him, alone with NO ONE to talk to about it. Well except you ladies of course, but when you are alone in your apt crying, you may as well be 5000 miles in the middle of nowhere, atleast that is how it feels at times. But today is a new day and I can not dwell on how I felt yesterday because today can be a great day! Let me ask you this, have you ever asked your MM this, “do you think we will ever REALLY be able to be together??” I asked my MM that a few weeks ago and he said yes of course but I still wonder……..
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