When you need to step back from an unhealthy relationship and employ No Contact (NC) after the breakup, irrational fears and beliefs which are used to try to control the uncontrollable but to also prevent you from taking real action, can often provide the trigger for you to either break NC or decide that there’s no point in starting it at all. I hear from readers who have been going back and forth with an ex from anything from a few months… to a few decades. Variations of the irrational fears and beliefs highlighted below keep them on the disappointment cycle and it’s only once they stop treating the irrational as rational and recognise where they’re opening themselves up to more pain and keeping further away from a healthy relationship, that they can finally stop torturing themselves and take the focus off their ex so that they can use boundaries for self-care and breaking the pattern. In this post, I share the first five and you can download the full ten – link at the bottom of the post.
If they have to lose you to value you, the relationship isn’t going to work no matter which way you slice it. This is not least because you shouldn’t have to be like the umbrella that someone keeps misplacing and damaging for them to notice your absence from their life.
Cutting contact in an attempt to coerce this person into the position that you want is an attempt to prevent them from not realising your value by messing with supply and demand. If you cut contact to make them desire you more, you believe that the way to prevent your relationship from ending is to end it. However, this means that you then have to keep ending it or at least threatening to, to generate the demand. This is exhausting work. It’s also important to point out that unavailable people respond to the loss of control by chasing you and get back in control by pulling back and managing down your expectations and/or exiting.
The lesson: Breaking up whether it’s done via the traditional route or you have to do NC, is to end a relationship. Don’t use it as a means of attempting to force people to do what you want.
This is how you end up chasing them for crumb ‘top-ups’ and being chained to your phone checking for texts and emails. Avoiding NC and holding this belief is believing that what can often amount to feeble amounts of effort from their end is you being kept ‘front and centre’. People who require NC often engage in this low-level contact and dribbling crumbs of attention with about as much effort as ordering a pizza. They’re very of the moment. What you actually need for a loving relationship is for the other party to show that they want you by being in a relationship with you and treating you with love, care, trust, and respect.
The lesson: Having a full-on relationship instead of trying to stay in someone’s mind is always the better option. You won’t get to discover this in a new relationship if you keep chasing (and accepting) crumbs though. Also, there are better ways to be remembered than emails and texts. Someone doesn’t have to forget about you if they’re in the relationship with you.
It might make them give it to you for a short period of time, but it’s important to remember that the type of person that requires NC equates desiring you with feeling out of control of you. Next thing you know, you’re getting hearts, flowers, and violins and a sudden change in behaviour and think, Oh, they really get my pain this time…, and you get back together and then shazam, it’s a matter of hours, days, or weeks before the rot starts to set in again. NC is to end a relationship not to force someone into giving what people in even moderately healthy relationships give without coercion.
The lesson: If the only way that you think that you can get them to feel remorse or change is to end it, this relationship is not worthy of your time. They are not a child. Stop trying to raise an adult from the ground up!
This ‘ole chestnut is the fastest way to send one of those lazy texts or emails to reach out, only to find yourself being burned again. How much better you feel is subjective and the idea of grieving a relationship isn’t actually for you to make way for their friendship – it’s for you to make way for you so that you can move on. The truth is, far too much emphasis is put on finding a way to be friends again. Friendship is organic! If you’re going to be friends, it will happen without being forced and when you’re both back in neutral territory. That said, if there are very shady reasons for why you have to cut them off in the first place, I wouldn’t exactly break your neck to be friends.
Be your own friend first. Focus on you. If you try to be friends before you are enough of the way along in the healing process to be too impacted if they don’t behave as you’d like, you will reopen your wound. If you’ve got friendship on your mind, it’s likely a sign that you need to refocus your energy.
The lesson: Friendship is what happens, 1) when you’re over them and 2) they have shown themselves to be friendship worthy, neither of which the object of NC is at this time.
Yes, they do. They might claim not to realise it on a conscious level, but only someone who is incredibly emotionally immature and a responsibility dodger would have no clue about how, 1) inappropriate their behaviour was/is or, 2) its impact.
Genuinely believe that they don’t recognise this? In that case, you have no business trying to have an adult relationship with them.
As humans, we cannot bumble through life as if our actions have no impact on others – it’s called integrity, empathy, compassion, awareness, responsibility, and accountability. Let me assure you that if you mistreated them, you’d soon know all about it! They know! Stop treating them like a child! Also, if they don’t understand what the issue is/was, they will repeat the behaviour if you get back together. It’s not your job to fix or overcompensate for them.
The lesson: If they can’t empathise without you dragging them like a horse to water, a mutually fulfilling relationship isn’t possible. NC is the way of communicating that the relationship is over and that their behaviour has affected you, but it doesn’t mean that they’re going to do anything with the realisation. If you’re making excuses for your ex, you’re absolving them of responsibility, which also deals a fatal blow to any ideas you have for a relationship with them.
Your thoughts?
There are 5 more irrational fears and beliefs about No Contact which you can download below.
Add to favorites
You have written my life. He’s not worthy of any attention and broke my heart. Apparently we weren’t”on the same page”. So why oh why when he talks to be a chat away like nothing’s ever happened between us? I hate myself for this, so why do I let it happen? He doesn’t want me other than in bed so why even entertain him? He’s not going to change, is he?
Your post just opened up a lot of new information for me. I’m currently experience a NC situation. At first I thought maybe this will make my ex want me back (i broke up with him and now rethinking it). But now I’m realizing that he’s taking it the wrong way and now thinks I’m the one trying to move on. Should I break the NC and ask him to go out for a coffee or something?
I think you should think about the reasons you had to break up with him in the first place. If they’re good reasons ( meaning you’re not happy in the relationship) then NC might help you move on from him.
Elle, don’t do it. I don’t think that’s aligned with what NL is stating in her blog. NC is important for us to heal ourselves and see things rationally. If he thinks you want to move on, that’s a good thing. Trust me, I’m in a similar situation and I know it’s difficult because part of you is still grieving the broken relationship. I have to fight everyday not to break NC because it’s easier to stay in my relationship and it feels safe but whenever I get a weak moment I try to remember/think of how unhappy he made me. Be strong and good luck to us!
“NC is the way of communicating that the relationship is over and that their behaviour has affected you, but it doesn’t mean that they’re going to do anything with the realisation.”
I newly established NC, it’s not the first time that i tried, but i have a strong feeling that this time i’ll be good.
I just have to get through it, without having any expectations of him changing or any other ulterior motives.
I’ll be reading this daily until it sticks.
Thanks Nat.
Natalie,
My goodness; thank you for this.
You helped me to go right back to NC for good.
Enough is enough.
Starr
Thank you for crystallizing these murky thoughts and feelings. This is perfectly in time for the holidays, just as I felt my resolve weakening.
So much truth in this article. I am forced to see my eum ex on a every two months basis. He always small chats me and acts like nothing has changed between us hugging and making physical contact. This of course confuses me and I reach out so we can “be friends.” Of course he doesn’t care about me a real friend would and says that i expect too much more than he can give. I’ve been in this torture cycle for over a year. It’s time for me to truly cut contact. I don’t need his crumbs of pleasentry (although at times it feels like I do.) God speed to him.
Thank you for this great article Natalie!
I am No Contact with an ex Narc Assclown and finding it hard. Im proud to say it’s been 3 and half months.
He wouldn’t commit to me and wouldn’t commit to leaving me the hell alone either so No Contact was the best thing to do.
Even though he had no empathy I’m sure he knew how much pain he was causing me. It’s all a game with men like this, when they feel out of control they desire us more and once they hook us back it’s wash rinse and repeat.
No Contact has given me time to heal and I realise I deserve so much better than his shady behaviour. I do get days where I’m tempted to text ‘How are you’ but then I think of how bad he treated me and the pain he caused and that sudden urge goes…
I would like to think if he ever did throw a little crumb out to me again that I would be strong enough to throw it right back!
Thanks Natalie keep the articles coming! 🙂
Hi Nat,
I enjoy your self-help blogs and podcasts. All of this is true regarding NC. I ended a dating situation last November with a guy who had a narcissistic personality. I got off that ride completely in November of 2014 and cut all communication. He would periodically try to text me (lazy communication) and I’d delete/ignore.
He is a true narcissist and as most do they attempt to hoover back to get a fix for their ego, but he’s seen that I’m not budging, nor am I moved. I will say however that I began to become irritated, incensed and angry at the matter that he’d assume he was entitled to another chance with me.
I briefly subbed to one of anonymous text apps and texted him a brief, but abrupt message basically stating to: “leave her (me) alone, she has moved on”. I did not state who I was, but the tone was indicative of it being a new bf.
As my intent was just to get him to stop contacting me altogether with the “hello beautiful, good morning, let’s thank God for waking us up”; all of those were autoreplies programmed in his phone. And, let me say I am always thankful to God, but to have a narcissist try to use false ploys to get to me is offensive. I did not intend to go on a tangent.
Thank you for the inspiration that you provide and reaching out to reach those of us that need it. You are insightful and I look forward to many more of your vlogs and podcasts.
Hi Rie
My situation was so similar to yours and I am 98% sure my ex was a narcsissist too.
We broke up same time as you November 2014 and he would do the same, periodically texting me which I ignored but I caved in July this year and I got so burnt it was terrible. He just wanted to punish me for going No Contact on him and getting his quick ego fix by hooking me in.
When I last saw him I exposed him for what he is which he didn’t like and asked once again to leave me the hell alone. His reply was ‘on this occasion I will’…
So I’m hoping this is it but I have a feeling he will be trying those same old hoover tactics on me once again..
For the pain it causes it’s just not worth breaking No Contact.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I truly needed to read all of this right now. Especially number 4. I’ll go back to this every time I start doubting myself.
Hello All, I have been coming to B/R now for 3 months , I now find myself confused. Please can I have some advice, my ex broke up with me 2nd June this year, it was a very one sided relationship that had me in a tail spin, I really thought I was going mad with all the bad behaviour but of course there was always an explanation so I carried on. He asked me to leave as he no longer had time for a relationship (news to me) we had been together for 6 and a half year’s, 5 of which we lived in my flat the rest in a house he recently bought. I went no contact on the 16th June as my wellbeing was being compromised by his head games, since I moved back to my flat on the 1st October he has tried through variouse methods 3 times, there is no chance of reconciliation but he does not seem to take go away as an option and he always “seems” to have a valid reason which is not the case, why does someone do this when they dumped us? I’ve only once responded as he turned up on my moving day when I told him it was disrespectful and inappropriate. Told him to leave. I’m ignoring all attempts of contact but he turned up at my mothers door and now has her number. I feel I’m going 2 steps back. Please please advice. Thank you. Ally
Ally, he wants to keep you as a rainy day option ‘just in case’ he ever decides he needs you again. Read Nat’s ‘Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl’ and ‘Men Who Can’t Love’ they explain exactly why they let you go but then won’t let you move on.
Thank you Diane. I appreciate your reply and thank goodness for B/R. X
My big weird ‘irrational fear’ that keeps me in contact once in awhile despite having broken up with my EUM 5 years ago is that I always think about if something happens to him or me – and that I’d feel bad if we were NC. Of course, this makes little sense if I die, I won’t be bothered about anything, let alone not having been in contact w someone. The last thing that got me to email him was that my friend, who had been NC with her ex for 3 years, found out he committed suicide. She felt so bad having ignored all of his entreaties to communicate and wished she had said at least something to him. So then I got that into my head (ridiculous since my guy would never kill himself) and contacted him to tell him the news since he knew him. It was not important news to tell since he didn’t know him that well – it was just an excuse.
I’m also far beyond thinking we might get back together so thought it would be harmless. But all the reasons we don’t get along keep cropping up and our emails would occasionally end acrimoniously over something stupid (if you’ve seen Cheers, he and I are basically Sam and Diane – we can find any excuse to insult each other). Now I’m back on NC.
Diane, I think you’ve answered your own question. You reached out to your ex to help *yourself* feel better – you recognize it was “just an excuse” and, on some level, he probably does too.
And they do this too (exEUMs) – their agenda is to help *themselves* feel better about their behavior, rationalize that it wasn’t “that bad.” I remember my exEUM kept saying, “I hope you’re doing well” and I used to think it was genuine but now I recognize it was actually: “stop feeling bad so I don’t feel guilty for being an ass.” I don’t enjoy seeing things from a “what’s in it for them” perspective but, when it comes to this guy, the agenda becomes much clearer and the behavior makes total sense when you think about what they get from it.
Even if the objective isn’t to “get back together,” the contact is for *something* – some lesser hope (this person thinks about me, this person is affected by me in some way, this person regrets losing me, etc.) or else there would be no reason to contact them. I don’t think my exEUM wants to “get back together” but I can see that he wants me to let him off the hook for his behavior and pretend I don’t know what I know about him. My hope is, the discomfort of being reminded of who he was with me will be sufficient for him to avoid me indefinitely.
If we contact them and reach out with empathy/compassion, it doesn’t augment their view of us – it simply reassures them they’re “not so bad” and there are no consequences for their actions. Since they cannot be “on the same page” with us about wants, needs, values, *we* have to take control and dictate the _new_ same page (No Contact).
Thanks for this great post Natalie! I have been NC with my ex for 6 months since he left me for another girl. I was so heartbroken at the time that I kept contacting him to try to be friends. He said maybe down the road, which at the time made me feel better. However, with NC I now feel like I really don’t want to be friends with this man again. He treated me like garbage and I was just weak and heartbroken when I said that before. Should I tell him not to get in touch because I don’t want to be friends? I feel like I should probably just leave it and say that if/when he ever contacts me, but I also just feel like leaving it like I was begging to be his friend makes me feel so shitty. I want to tell him to eff off (in different words). Advice?
Just go NC, the next time he comes, you will not be there, there’s no stronger message than this.
Sara, same situation here…mine broke up with me, left me for someone else (he doesn’t know I know this) and I tried to be friends with him too. At least you got some kind of response for a friendship later on maybe. I want to cuss him out so bad. I never got a chance to bc I was so busy trying to act cool and collected in the first few weeks hoping he would contact me at some point. Now I’m just sitting here with all these feelings and anger and it’s too late to say anything..
Well, I can tell you, I let the proverbial fly at mine after being blanked and it sure didn’t relieve the hurt. It only served to diminish me further in MY eyes. I will never know how I appear in HIS eyes as the only texts I’ve received AFTER he refused to pick up the phone, were about how much he was grateful he met me and how special what we had was. Ummm, if it was so special why did you refuse to speak to me or work your ‘silent treatment’ out?
I suggest you get all of your feelings out in a letter that you don’t send. My tendency was to get EVERYTHING out in a letter and then SEND it. Don’t do that. It’s much cooler to be dignified. That ship sailed for me. My dignity left the building and ran screaming down the street on being ignored/dissed or whatever he thought he was doing for the umpteenth time. And yet he came back from that with an ”I loved you etc.” – although he still couldn’t pick up the phone as both of his arms must be broken.. Move through the anger, feel the hurt and in the long run you will be proud, you took the higher road, despite it feeling like sh&% right now that you never got to say what you wanted to say. Good luck.
we need to be aware of narcissistic personalities. have studied this after searching and believing that behavior patterns do not exist in a vacuum and trying to come up with a “why.” was with someone that I believe to be the love of my life. sweet, kind, intelligent, loving, accomplished–or so it seemed, divorced twice with 4 kids. it seemed the most wonderful relationship–except on rare occasions when I was ignored and it was very painful. realized that his story was that his two wives were horrible women who “didn’t love him.” he blew me off twice, once after 6 years together –just after a wonderful, romantic vacation and the day after having both of our mothers together for a lovely dinner that we prepared together for them. no conversation–just stopped answering the phone the next day. didn’t know what to do–I was part of his family–or so I thought. do I contact them to see if he died? I was relentless at getting back together and fell on the sword. eventually, after 6 months, we were. back to the best relationship you can imagine. he asked me to move in together after another 7 years. I had a house and we started to work on our dream house together–having a great time of it. my dream of being together with the person I loved was so close. Somehow, I knew in my heart that eventually I would say the wrong thing one day and that he would be gone. he discarded his two teenage daughters at one point because they wanted to go back to their mother. I told him that he could not do this–did he not understand unconditional love? no, he did not. lots of red lights if I think back. long story, he disappeared unexpectedly after 13 years. no conversation, no warning. I was devastated — I don’t have family and he and his was all that I had. he told some of our friends that it was “just nice to come home and relax.” had heard this relief story before about not being responsible for anyone– and how good it felt for him to escape from his wives. being responsible was someone else’s job–even with his kids. so, when he disappeared–no matter how painful it was, I knew NC was my answer and I found this website. yes, will admit, that my mind thought he would come back–in some level, I thought all those things–that he would turn around. phone calls, cards, “I love you”–but never any, “let’s get together and talk about this.” As much as I wanted, and still wish I could roll back time–6 years later, I could not. had to have enough respect for myself to keep NC. no trust, no loyalty–things that are very important to me. this is very comforting to read this now–know I did the right thing, took the high road–even though I still struggle with the loss and the why this happened. the message is that someone who will always be with you when you are a good and deserving person and treat you with love and respect–is far better than chasing someone who cannot–is incapable of ever really loving you.
Although it is getting me in some hot water with colleagues, going NC to the point of no longer attending many meetings has drastically lowered my stress and anger levels. Not just Narcboy but also peers who are always negative, always sucking up every last atom of psychological space. Have extended NC or some variant thereof, to include narcissistic folk I am on outside committees with, guys that I met on line that lie about themselves or show any trace of arrogance or simply lack follow through. Have only so much life left and don’t wanna waste it on folk that are poison, damaged, or simply annoying.
“Have only so much life left and don’t wanna waste it on folk that are poison, damaged, or simply annoying.”
Right on! *fistbump*
Looking over the comments posted gives me strength. There’s a man I periodically have sex with who has a girlfriend. I know this is wrong, but I keep contacting him. I keep thinking he’ll pick me eventually, but that’s insane. When I really think about it I wouldn’t want someone like him. I’m going to try this NC again, and not respond to texts or calls. Thank you for the post.
Hi Nette,
Be strong and go No Contact
I nearly text my ex Narc yesterday but as you said I know deep down I don’t want someone like him in my life and I know I deserve so much better.
I think we keep going back to be validated by them but they will never validate us, all they are doing is chipping away at our self esteem and getting their quick ego fix because deep down they are so insecure.
We all deserve so much better! 🙂
@ K. You are so right. We do deserve better. Treating ourselves with love and respect is an awesome way to live.
It is about ego. Just knowing that I would expect so little served his purpose.
Thank you for the encouragement. Stay strong.
Nette, forget the word “try”, because it implies the possibility of failure. NC is no experiment, do or don’t, there’s no try, to quote Yoda.
@Teddie
Your right. I will not contact him. I’ve made up my mind, and I’m not wavering. I deserve better, and will have better.
Aggh. I needed this piece 2 weeks ago, when I finally sent an email telling an EUM, MM and general narcissist (who keeps popping back into my life every 18 months or so when he is back in my country for conferences and wants an ego stroke and shag) never to contact me again. I meant it, but when he predictably guilt tripped me, I felt bad and immature for trying to cut him off, so I caved in and apologised.
I should add though that even if I need to work on the no contact side of things, getting burned by someone else in the meantime, and several months of reading this blog meant that I actually cultivated enough of a sense of self preservation not to sleep with this MM this time.
He got me as far as his hotel room and it went as far as a kiss, but maybe because I’ve improved my self esteem in the meantime, it just felt icky (despite the fact that I had slept with him numerous times before) and my gut was screaming: “you’re nothing but a shag to this guy, don’t sell yourself short”, so I didn’t. I said I couldn’t do it and went home rather than spending the night with him. He was pretty pissed off and told me I was “lying” to myself by not sleeping with him.
That is serious progress on my part – so Natalie deserves a medal for this site.
He emailed me afterwards and I told him not to contact me again, and that’s where I sort of failed on the no contact side of things, once he replied and guilt tripped me about not wanting to stay in touch.
@E: wow that is well done of you! You saw him for who he is someone kind of creepy. A guy that thinks that women having second thoughts are lying to themselves. Ha. As if. (Though this is also a moment to remember that you stood him up after indicating you would sleep with him — you did the right thing but naturally his ego is hurt. Be extra careful in the future since he now has an extra reason to try to get you into bed — ‘I’ll show her’. Avoid avoid. He sounds unappetising and just kind of like meh not at all interesting).
In fact — I have felt for a while that the men I’m with tend to be lying to themselves. This guy sounds like someone lying to himself which is probably why he projected that into you. Although you also sound like someone that was lying to themselves and are only now starting to hear your own truth — you were lying to yourself as you let yourself be walked to that hotel and kissed him. And then (Yayyyy!!) you heard yourself saying this man is creepy and backed off. Well done.
Listening to oneself is deep progress. You slipped up by letting Him guilt you.
Make yourself happy for a week. Do things that are joyous. Notice your emotions. Listen to yourself. Allow your truth to be heard so that other people’s lies become obvious. I am off to do the same. I’m not lying to myself anymore but take myself far too seriously. Time to move up.
@Suki, massive thanks for the moral support — and yeah, I suppose the fact that I am gradually starting to see him as creepy rather than irresistible about captures it.
Turning him down was an eye opener, in terms of learning what he really thinks of me. I told him that I didn’t want to go through with it as I’ve come to realise that I don’t cope well with emotionless/no strings arrangements, and while it might be good at the time it would make me feel terrible afterwards, so I wasn’t going to sleep with him.
According to him, not only was I “lying” to myself, but I “expect too much from sex” in general. WTF?
I used to find his confidence and forwardness extremely attractive, but now I am just becoming astounded by his arrogance.
I am 14 years younger than him, in great shape and have a PhD. Where he gets off in telling me that I am expecting too much by thinking I will ever find a man who wants me in more than just a physical sense is beyond me.
I have started to realise that these guys operate by making us feel like we should be happy with their crumbs, as that’s all we are worthy of.
With him it’s a bizarre combination of “you’re beautiful.. blah blah” while at the same time making it very very clear that I am not worthy (in his eyes) of any kind of emotional connection.
Oh E, same here. I would love to hear Nat’s thoughts on the transition from alluring to total creeper – I also experienced that switch. I can tell my exEUM doesn’t like that I clearly view him this way now – he wants me to see him the way I used to but it’s too late. He prides himself on being “the cool guy” that makes a big show of “respecting women” except he doesn’t and I could ruin his reputation (and he knows it) – so me showing I get a creeper vibe now when I used to be wooed by his charms makes him verrry uneasy.
@E: interesting that you are older and far more accomplished than him. He’s full of crap, trying to make you doubt yourself by saying you expect too much of sex. You should have said ‘actually not since I met you’. Ha.
Question; are you trading down age wise and quality wise because you think you’re too old to get someone your age? And what else in your life is motivated by that? Also these pieces of info made me rethink your post: are you indulging in casual sex with someone in a different country and then fuming at the lack of connection? that is, why can’t you either enjoy the casual as that is all one can expect from someone 14 years younger In a different country, or put more attention on finding a more stable partner closer to your age? You’re engaging in behavior destined to create mind effery.
I also traded down age wise – boring. No maturity but totally up with the game playing. Interestingly me and his past gf that he said he was very competitive with are both at the same professional level as him. His current gf is way younger and far less qualified. I think he feels more confident now.
@Suki, I think you misread my comment. I am 14 years younger than he is.
We met about 5 years ago while doing our PhDs at the same place, but he was doing his after already having a different career first, hence why he is a fair bit older than I am.
We had an affair that lasted for about a year or so and now he just pops back to mess with my head every 18 months or so, when he happens to be visiting.
What I meant with my earlier post, was he does this mind f*** thing where he will go on and on about how physically attractive he finds me, while at the same subtly implying that being sexually attractive is all I am good for. This is where the comments that I “expect too much” from sex come into play.
I am not under any illusions that there is any prospect of a relationship with this guy, I am just trying to work out how not to get sucked into his let’s have a shag for old times sake routine that he pulls whenever he’s back in my country.
Getting the hell out of the hotel room was major progress in that respect 🙂
Oh I get it! Thank you. Then my first comment is my only comment! keep on keeping on with your new finding of hims as icky – this is major progress!
@E! You are absolutely right when you say – I have started to realise that these guys operate by making us feel like we should be happy with their crumbs, as that’s all we are worthy of. With him it’s a bizarre combination of “you’re beautiful.. blah blah” while at the same time making it very very clear that I am not worthy (in his eyes) of any kind of emotional connection.
The AC with who I related, use to tell me many times how beautiful I was, but the same way he could tell things like that: as a man I can relate with younger or older women than me, but you should accept me, because you don’t have other choices, you are too demanding for your age.
@Enough.
If you can stomach it, I suggest you browse a PUA forum, where guys discuss “seduction” strategies. A favourite tactic of these guys is “negging”, which basically involves a guy trying to get a woman who he finds very attractive to date him by using backhanded compliments to chip away at her self esteem, so she will then be desperate for his approval. The fact that some guys do this CONSCIOUSLY astounds me.
@E, thank you for your reply. I was checking some PUA forums. I am not sure if he’s PUA, because as far I understood, men use this strategy to flirt with very hot women, which is not my case. Besides, I was very attracted to him when I met him for the first time, so he didn’t need to use any “negging” strategy to seduce me. He began to make negative comments when we were having a “relationship”. Now I am NC since May, however we have some collaborations and we keep professional contact. Unfortunately, I can’t change this.
To all of you lovely ladies…STAY STRONG in your decision to go NC. You owe these men NOTHING, especially when their actions are abusive, have no empathy or conscience, and leave you feeling empty, sad and worthless…over and over again.
Going NC and sticking with it is the ONLY way to have that space to take care of yourself and get your life back on track in healthy ways. Find a good therapist, have an exercise program in place, do healthy body work (alphabiotics has really saved me!); do the things that make you happy and whole again.
STOP trying to figure out the “whys” of these men. You will never get to the bottom of that pit and it will drive you nuts in the process. A lot of these men are so damaged they can never have a healthy relationship with a woman…no matter how smart, beautiful, mature and grounded you are. Let Natalie’s advice help you stay strong. She’s right on track with her wisdom. Stay strong and be happy!
@ Cuedln
Well said Cuedln!!!! Couldn’t of said it better myself! 🙂
@Cuedln
Thank you for the encouraging words. I will take them to heart.
Ive stopped by several times, after reading this post and downloading the full post, just to read other people’s comments. They are so encouraging and help give me a sense of community. I’m not alone in this. I almost caved today – thank goodness I didn’t. I did some strong self talking and recalled the bad times (particularly his lack of empathy and selfish behavior). My self esteem took a beating in our relationship and I definitely believe NC is helping to build it back up. Shaking off the garbage and blocking out the BS!
@Fifi, same here.
It’s both comforting and depressing to read that so many other women have been subjected to this stuff. What I find helpful about reading other women’s accounts on baggage reclaim is the following.
When you read about another woman being taken for a ride by an EUM, you basically find yourself feeling incensed that she is giving him the time of day. I don’t know why the hell it is easier to identify an unacceptable situation when it is happening to someone else rather than ourselves, but that seems to be the case.
I read things posted by other women on here and I think “my God, why on earth is the poor woman in question putting up with this crap” and this has gradually made me realise that this is what my friends must be thinking whenever I tell them about my woes with the various EUMs that I’ve been involved with.
This is such a great post.
I’d like to give people some post-NC hope, too.
I remember when my first EU relationship broke down after almost six years. An older boss at work said, “You’ll probably be able to be friends when you’ve moved on and met someone else.” and I remember thinking, “Well, I won’t want to be friends then, will I?!” which kinda pointed out to me that my motivations to keep contact with the guy were skewed and a tad manipulative.
It took me two further EU relationships and me getting to my very late thirties to understand that it was me, as well as them. Even while I was in the last one, and reading BR and all the comments, I found ways to argue against Nat’s advice in my head, thinking that my situation was different, that we were fricking soul mates or something.
But the great thing about the comments section of this site is, we all see that our situations are SPOOKILY similar. These guys and gals are not special. They’re damaged. And we are (or have been) addicted to trying to fix them, please them and win the unwinnable game. And I’ll tell you what, Nat is a miracle worker for being able to keep telling us the same thing again and again, lots of different ways, until we get it. It’s gold.
I still love this site because even though my relationship situation has changed beyond recognition, I still feel for that old me, from a few years back, who was so lost, and frightened and wretched and I feel so much for everyone still trying to extricate themselves. I know when i was there, I just could not see a way out. And now I know there is a way out, I just want everyone to find it.
For anyone struggling with NC. In the end what helped me is realising that if I carried on i was signing up to yet more years of fear and crying and stomach knots and weeks of being ignored for something I’d done wrong and breaking up every month and then him pressing the reset button, and second guessing and it never being enough, and whilst my self esteem got lower and lower – and I just had to face the fact that, even though I adored this guy, had never felt a connection like it, (was, in fact, addicted to him) I couldn’t have one without the other. It was connection plus wretchednes FOR EVER or nothing. And I let myself choose, but with open eyes. And then I chose nothing.
Realising you are choosing this thing is hugely powerful. But choose with your eyes open. When worked after that was understanding that i was hard wired to be addicted to this kind of person (it turns up in my work and friendship group too, to a lesser degree) and so NC would of course be hard, Like cold turkey from heroin. Don’t kid yourself that the strength of the longing means it’s good for you or ‘meant to be’ (a logic i tried to use often) Just keeping thinking of it as a drug you a have to kick, or else you’re an addict for life, and things just cannot get better from there.
The good news is, life can be unbelievably wonderful if you can choose differently. Nat is the shining example of this, that’s why she’s so gifted in teaching us all how to tune back in to ourselves.
As well as reading BR and the comments, I had a great therapist, really ferociously nurtured myself, and had a period of real grieving as I processing whatever inner heartbreak had caused me to keep repeating the situation. Most importantly, I finally understood that it was no-one’s job to save me, or make my life complete, apart from mine. And i made my peace with being on my own. Without all the drama, it was actually LOVELY! to finally BE the person I’d been looking for. The one who loved me and wouldn’t leave me.
Eventually after a couple of years I decided to try onine dating (if you are feeling very emotionally strong, this is a good way to see what your radar is tuned to, but i wouldn’t recommend it to anyone still feeling fragile.) . I found, after a few false starts that my radar had changed. I might have been initially drawn to the ‘complicated’ guy who seemed interesting and mysterious and charming and yet hard to get, but just as quickly i saw that complicated and hard to get was really just a cover for dysfunctional, neurotic and unhappy – and I’ve had enough of that of my own going on, thanks very much!
I know it won’t be the case for everyone, but having tuned into my feelings thanks to a lot of therapy, I ‘recognised’ something healthy – a really lovely, good hearted, funny guy who was just like me – a nice person, who actually wanted to be with someone in a joyful fun and non-drama crazy way. We got together two years ago and now live together and the relationship is more joyful, more hilarious, more loving than i ever even realised was actually possible.
There’s no guarrantee, of course, (of anything in life but especially not of relationships) and i think it’s crucial that we all make our peace with being enough as our own, individual selves. We don’t need anyone else to make us happy. We can make ourselves happy. We HAVE TO. There is literally no other way to find contentment. But first, to be in with a shot, we have to get rid of that one massive obstacle to proper happiness.
And that’s what NC is for. So maybe if you are thinking about breaking NC, just say to yourself – “Okay, so, I’m choosing the obstacle to happiness.” And that might make you wonder why you’re doing that…
Wow – what insight! Yes it is an addiction and the trigger comes from childhood. The thing that is helping with my no contact is this fact that I tell myself I am trying to heal from an addiction. Your email has such a lot of personal growth talk in it. Thank you so much for sharing.
I think another one I struggle with is, “NC is passive aggressive/immature.” It would be if I were doing it to try to invoke a response or “hint” that something is bothering me. He knows exactly why we no longer speak and NC is to invoke NC from him. I guess passive aggressive has to do with your intentions/motivations – and if NC is what you want (not used as a weapon to get what you “really want”), then this is as direct as it gets. I wanted add this in case anyone else is questioning themselves about NC and passive aggression. Thinking this through really helped me.
@Michelle, that’s exactly what I am struggling with. I do not want to go no contact to try and passive aggressively bargain with him, I actually want him out of my life.
However, he does this whole wounded routine when I try and cut him off, as if is the most horrible/immature thing that I could do, but he has demonstrated time and time again that his version of being my *friend* is: let’s wait until she has her guard down and then I’ll try and get back into her pants.
So far I’ve been successful at keeping NC with several people all at the same time which is tough. A narcissist ex bestfriend, (I physically up and walked away from) an AC/EUM, (blocked his #) and also a married AC (who I told bluntly exactly how I felt and where he can go). The two men have not been in contact with me whatsoever but my former friend will appear every now and then around my house, talking to my parents and still I remain no contact but she has not made any effort to actually reach out or speak to me during these times.
Here is where I’m struggling. I don’t know if it’s part of the normal NC phase but I often wonder why after years of knowing these people in different relationships not one has reached out since I went NC. It’s been 7 months of NC with either of them. I know, I know I shouldn’t care but I constantly have thoughts, or fantasies maybe, of being forced into a situation where I have to speak to them and I get to redeem myself from the BS that were those relationships and speak my victory. Those thoughts never go away despite the fact that I don’t want to ever be involved with them again and they seem more than happy with their lives without me in it. They couldn’t care less.
As a result I bring this not being good enough mentality into other relationships where it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I think they don’t care, I push them away, they stay away, I’m confirmed im not good enough.
I know I know better than to think this but even still the thoughts are there. Any of you ladies ever experienced this and did you get past those self defeating thoughts.
@ Hope
Hope I’m feeling the exact same way as you, your not alone.
I too cut Contact with my ex Narc Assclown and he hasn’t made contact with me and even though I should be happy he has left me alone I too feel like I’m not good enough because he doesn’t care about me or what I’m doing.
He has knocked my confidence so much and made me feel like there’s something wrong with me.
We just need to keep telling ourselves that we are much better off without these men, they have huge insecurities and they go around making people feel terrible about themselves to make them feel better.
They just aren’t worth it Hope, we need to rise above it and realise we are worth it and we do deserve better.
If their not making Contact with us then we are the lucky ones 🙂
@K and Hope, I feel the exact same way. Mine hasn’t contacted me since he broke up with me and it’s done a number on my self esteem when it shouldn’t. I felt like i wasn’t good enough. I keep thinking “did I mean so little to him that he doesn’t even care what he did to me or how I’m doing”? This is coming from a guy that I talked to every day before. It hurts.
Someone rejecting you like that can definitely mess with your esteem and your sense of self. everyone in life will not see your worth and that’s why you should always hold that standard up for yourself. Easier said than done but what one douche failed to recognize should not hold you down too long. Chin up beautiful 🙂
Hi Hope,
You raise a good point about wondering how these people could move on and forget about you so easily. I go through the same struggle. I understand all that I have read from Natalie and the BR commenters – making it about yourself and your wellbeing and not concerning oneself with how the other party is feeling or what they’re thinking. But it’s human nature to wonder how these so called friends, lovers, family can forget about me (not just an ego thing) – it’s hurtful. May that’s just it, it’s too soon (at least in my case) to gauge since we are still in pain. With time maybe it’ll hurt less and we’ll care less.
Again, as I posted earlier, I take comfort from reading this blog but also the comments – you don’t feel so alone. I have been extremely lonely and isolated from family and friends (with a recent move) and this EUM was my only friend and companion. I’ve been reading more and started an exercise routine – I’m also saying yes to invitations from my acquaintances (something I did less of when I was with him). I can’t wait to come out on the other end. Something Nickster said in her comment resonated with me – going back to him is like choosing the obstacle to my future happiness.
Thank you K and Fifi for your support.
I just feel confused because I don’t struggling with keeping NC, that I can maintain, it’s the thoughts that won’t go away. I expected after so many months that I would be where they are ; not caring. But because they moved on so fast, didn’t even so much as ask what happened, it makes me feel like I was always the issue not them.
Fifi, I too have felt alone and at the time for a long time the married AC was my only friend. I glad that you’re getting out and meeting new people it helps so much.
However, I’m glad I walked away. I needed to for my self esteem and I feel stronger and more confident for doing so. I just didn’t expect the affects of those relationships during and after to still carry on in my thought process in other relationships. But just like NC and everything I’ve learned from BR I know it’s still a process and I’m still learning.
When I blocked him on my phone, I had no reason to anticipate him contacting me and that helped me to stop obsessing so much. I don’t talk about him and I practice forgiving myself and him and that’s been huge in moving forward.
Hope I can relate to you in a lot. I went NC with a taken AC, and it’s been almost 5 months. I know I am better off without him and I didn’t break NC. But like you I keep thinking about how easily he let go and I’m still here stuck thinking how I wasn’t worth it. I keep thinking about how I would react when I see him and keep having imaginary conversation with him. I truly hope time will help us. That is the only hope I have. Good luck to you and all our BR sisters 🙂
Jaz
This recently just helped me and I hope it might help you. I was talking with a friend about this topic and this is what she said. A few years ago she had a platonic male friend that physically abused her. (I was there with her in the hospital and the crutches she used and tears she cried for almost a year) they became friends again on and off still with drama. He barely acknowledged it and was completely unapologetic. He sucked her into drama with his actual girlfriends. Every time she tried walking away he would continuously contact her or she would reach out to him always with the same result. He treated her the same. Now she’s currently no contact and she told me that he is still frequently contacting her of which she ignores. But, he told her he would still take her back every time she reaches out because he has love for her. Her response to this was “he ALLOWS me to come back”
No matter how much he’s hurt her physically and emotionally she believes that he will always love her and she can still be friends with him because HE ALLOWS it. After that my entire mind changed on the topic. I don’t want anyone to chase me down and continue trying to feed me toxic crumbs. I’m glad they never came back. I’m glad they left me alone because I deserved better. I’m glad that I don’t think in a mindset that being in touch with them means they allow me to be in their toxic life. I’m glad my friend is NC now but I hope she realizes he doesn’t get to allow her to do or feel anything.
I truly wish you the best at keeping NC. You are always worth it
I really needed this article, Natalie. Thank you! I *was* 6+ months NC with the ex EU/AC but sadly I had my ‘Suck it and see’ moment. Been seriously beating myself up over it. I honestly wish I hadn’t been so stupid.
To sum it up…He emailed me a couple weeks ago. Was all apologetic about everything. Told me he hoped I was well and would love to apologize to me more appropriately (via Skype). Since I was over him, I stupidly thought it would be fine. After he apologized (a rather half assed apology), he proceeded to try and rewrite history between us. He said that when I had agreed to visit him last November, he had told me that it was just as *friends*. Um…BS! He NEVER said that! He also told me that he and his girlfriend came close to breaking up because he had an online *fling* for nearly a month and his girlfriend found out about it. She took him back of course. Then went on to tell me how in love he was with his girlfriend of 9 months…’She’s everything I’ve ever wanted.’ (Lol. Right.) And how they were going to Devon for a week long holiday. And to NZ in March for 3 weeks. The kicker to this? It was the exact same week he and I had OUR holiday. To where? Devon! LOL. They will be doing a lot of the same things we did around Devon. All I could manage to say to him was: Wow. Sounds like a redo of last year. You are unbelievable. Goodbye.
These guys are unreal. They really have no consideration for anyone but themselves. I won’t deny that it hurts a bit, knowing that he’s basically recreating the week we had together, but with her. But I also know that he hasn’t changed. He’s still a selfish pig. No empathy. So…back to NC I go. But this time I can honestly say that I will never be foolish again when it comes to him. And Natalie is 100% correct about the ‘Suck It and See’ moments. They DO still burn.
@Cinders,
I think the reason he’s choosing the same location for the holiday is because they have NO imagination! Certainly the case with ‘my’ AC.
I could tell who he was engaging with by the suggestions he came up with. Nothing original from him…..all things other women had talked about (including me!) and he tried to pass it off as his own! Or repeat things over and over as it is safe and they feel more in control.
He even said the same things to others to maintain some consistency – that way he can’t slip up too! And they actually believe the lies that they tell as they’ve said them so often.
Do I sound bitter and just a touch twisted? Yep, I am! More annoyed with myself at times and then I go back to being furious with him for the lather, rinse, repeat behaviour (now that I see him doing it with others too on on-line dating) But I just ignore his lazy ‘reset’ attempts now.
I wish I could teach him a lesson. But I know that probably says more about me than it ever could about him. Sigh….
It’s just my dad in different trousers all over again. Thank goodness for Nat and BR (and all the contributors). It really is one day at a time.
Love to all
Bellakins
Cinders, he is recreating with her not only the Devon-week but also the whole program he is capable of and you know how it goes. You sucked it, saw and now your are better for it because the misjudgment you made is one thing that can never happen to you again. Stop beating yourself over it and take a vacation yourself, if possible and not necessarily to Devon.
There’s that other thing… intermittent gratification works both ways. If you don’t stick firmly to NC you feed the part of them that is temporarily reeled in until they have you secure again. Just the way they make you crazy by being unreliable.
It’s such an unhealthy way to relate – the only way to deal with it is to break it.
All, can someone please tell me what AC means?
Wait a moment I think I figured it out after reading some other posts. Is it ass clown?! If yes, I’m super tickled right now!
@Fifi,
AC = Ass Clown
Hi Fifi
AC means Assclown.. A great word/description for the men we are dealing with!! 🙂
Hahaha thanks ladies! To be fair AC is gender neutral.
Thanks for this blog. I have been doing NC for 2months after my 2half yrs LDR ended because he felt he was the wrong guy for me. Then he admitted he cheated. I am numb to him. This is the first relationship that I have felt highly strong that I did not want to be with this liar. My problem is that I am in contact with his sister. She is much younger than me and thinks of me as a big sister. She contacts me and tends to stick a comment in somewhere about how I should keep living my life. This happens right after she asks how am doing, I always answer with great. I never ask or talk about him to her.
He messages me an hour or the next day right after she messages me with what you call crumbs and low effort he sends me a quote and videos about God and how “he forgives and gives love”. Yesterday I got a text from him saying “hello, what are you doing”? I responded with “at a show”and nothing further from him.
Today I am annoyed. Should I cut his sister off also?
Yes, cut the sister! I does not sound like you are getting much from this communication other that some validation you are a great sister. Do you really need this validation?
I’m two months no contact with my ex Assclown/EUM. He disappeared and stopped returning my texts the day after he told me he loved me and finally called me his girlfriend and took me away for a weekend getaway. I told him I loved him back and he ran for the hills.
It has been difficult not looking at his social media. Which to me is an essential part of no contact aka no looking at social media AT ALL. We had followed eachother on virtually every site and I have been detaching and unfollowing slowly. Tonight I made the mistake of looking at his fb page. The result was not good as it usually never is. He’s moved on to a new victim as they had dinner together tonight..she’s one of the thirstiest most desperate members of his narcissistic harem. And even though I know he is a human garbage can as is she , and she will ultimately be treated the same if not worse than me, it still hurts. But what am I losing really except more pain? And the attention of a human cockroach.
It’s so strange to me that even though he was a lying, cheating, disrespectful, untrustworthy, manipulative, emotionally abusive loser (who even called me racial slurs) I somehow stayed because I was desperate for him to validate me over all his other harem members …he did albeit briefly, but that was fleeting and the high was not worth it considering the lows I experienced throughout and the low I am experiencing currently. I keep asking myself how did my self worth get tied up in attaining the validation of a garbage pail kid? How did I put up with it? And Why am I still attached ?
It still hurts but I know im better off and will continue no contact. I just keep praying I get over him and learn that I need to love myself more and never allow this type of emotional abuse again. It’s just hurtful and hard even two months out. I just want to heal so I can have an open heart for the right person when the come along. I wish the same for everyone else who has gone through this. I’m convinced these men are emotional abusers and get a kick out of dragging us down and stripping women of their self esteem and self worth because they themselves have very little and they feed off that because it gives them a little power in their otherwise sad lives.
I’ll be sticking to NO COntact for as long as it takes to permanently detach from that toxic bottom feeder. I’m sure I wasn’t the last woman who will get this treatment from him and I hope they get out quick and don’t experience what I have.
I wish everyone good luck in their recovery process
Olivia, some things are just bad habits, very difficult to interrupt. Same as smoking: consciously you may have very good reasons to stop but the unconscious is running some old patterns. There is this book “How to fall out of love” by Deborah Philips, good pattern interrupt techniques in it. For starters, every time the thought of him pops up, visiualise a red stop-sign and redirect your thoughts somewhere else such as favourite vacation places.
Olivia,
I agree with you. It’s tough. I was going to delete photo’s of us on FB but then I realized he deleted his account. I am friends on there with his siblings and cousins so am staying off there for the rest of the year.
That gut wrenching pain in your stomach never stirs you wrong. We should listen to it more. It sounds like you are on the right path. Keep working on yourself, I am doing the same thing.
I guess I have a bit of a different problem with NC.
I ended the relationship with my GF. I had unknowingly did something to hurt her. She didn’t make an issue of it until her father took issue and kicked me out of her apartment. I was devastated. When I told her how I felt she seemingly didn’t care and started criticizing me for things I could not control and that she was unhappy. Again I was devastated as it came out of seemingly nowhere. What she said was deeply hurtful and she wasn’t sympathetic because I was only thinking of myself. I broke it off as a result, and believing she was going to do the same thing.
I went NC for 3 weeks until I found out a friend of mine had passed away. I thought “Life is short. If I care about her I should reach out.” I sent a long e-mail to her telling her how I felt, that I never wanted to hurt her, and that I was sorry. We talked that night, and she criticized me for not being considerate of her feelings and how she would react (I can appreciate the position) and that she was having a panic attack and was going to be sick to her stomach. But when we finished our conversation that night I felt like we were on good terms. We talked about our families, friends, work, and travel plans. The next day she asked me to never contact her again and that by breaking up with her the way I did I was only trying to hurt her.
I lasted NC for 2.5 months. I had a lot of good things happen in my life and she was the only person I wanted to share the good news with so I broke down. She responded that she could tell I was heartfelt but she didn’t want to talk and had moved on, and reiterated to never contact her again.
I’ve taken steps to avoid anything that will bring up the urges, such as not looking at any of her social media accounts for 3 months. I’m struggling. I’m struggling because I hate how I reacted and decided to breakup. I feel like I betrayed myself by not being calmer and level headed when we fought. I want to move on, but I feel like I’m keeping myself stuck in a rut.
Any suggestions to help me cope?
It’s good you accept your role in what happened. You have to respect her need for you to not contact her. The same way you went three weeks and didn’t contact her she’s trying to protect herself and this is the best way she knows how. Keep yourself busy with other things, try to meet new people to share your news with. She deserves peace from you not re-entering her life to satisfy your own guilt for your actions. It’s done now, she’s moved on. Do the same. 3 months is long enough ….. Think about it like you’re giving her happiness by not talking to her because she has asked you for that twice now. You instilled the fear she has in her so you can’t blame her for wanting to protect herself. If my ex who vanished on me recently came out Of no where I likely would not even respond to him and if I did it would be to tell him the same thing she told you. Good luck ….
A guy I was dating 5 months suddenly went cold and has not spoken to me in 3 weeks. This happened right after thanksgiving. We didn’t argue, we had a good holiday, I left his place that Sunday and never got another phone call from him again. I reached out several times at first wondering if he was safe because we talked twice a day and then becoming upset that he was just blatantly ignoring me. I freaked out a bit showing up to his place the next day because this just wasn’t us, we were better than this. I wanted to know what I did wrong. The thought of him being mad at me drove me crazy cause I did not know why he would be mad. I was just in such a blurr during this time because, just a few weeks before he threw me a birthday party with all my closest friends, he never treated me any less than his most valuable partner …. I never ever doubted he cared for me and I do not trust easily. we spent thanksgiving with his family/friends and suddenly he vanished. He never even said “I need space” “I’m done” “I’m angry” ….. Nothing. Just stopped communicating. I have been doing a lot of research and healing over the past few weeks and articles like this and others have made me come to some conclusions
1. His way of ending the relationship is more about him than me and I should not feel guilty or like I did something wrong. He had an opportunity to end it like an adult and he chose to be a coward and who wants to be with a coward
2. I have asked him for an answer and gotten silence so that silence is my answer to move on.
3. Since the day I showed up to his place I have text him 2 times. The first time it was more so reaching out for clarity — I wasn’t mad I wished him well and asked him if we could talk when he was ready. Again – Silence. The second time I knew there was a chance he wound not respond but I was at a “f*** it” moment and felt after 5 months I had the right to be a little psycho about this situation so I text him anyway saying that I’d seen some of our mutual friends and they said hello. But I now have decided to no longer say another word to him.
4. That’s where this NC comes in. I don’t need his closure. I don’t need him coming to tell me after 3 weeks that he cut me off cause he was mad about something I did or said or cause of another woman or he was scared whatever …. He can keep it. I am giving myself closure that he is not the person I am supposed to give my Iove to because he can’t have the decency to have a conversation with. me. He doesn’t deserve my attention and love and my words
5. Am I hurt? Yes. Do I still care about him? Yea. But “there is no virtue in loving someone who can’t love you back.” I’m beginning my NC today. I deleted all the texts and pictures, we were never Facebook friends but I’m going to stop checking his page and I won’t ever call or text him. He has done It for 3 weeks I can too
Reading other people’s stories makes me so thankful and sad for those others who had years, money and children invested and they are dealing with something as messy. I don’t minimize my commitment and my hurt because I have given and grown a lot in that time but it could have been worse. at this point I’m so over it that I do not think NC will be an issue. I do not wish to ever have contact with him again not even about the damn weather. i still have some healing to do but I’m doing so with no expectation that I will ever hear from him and knowing that I will never contact him so that’s one less burden
I’ve said this on other posts, but it can’t be said enough. Please read ‘Men Who Can’t Love’ it explains exactly why he did what he did – and you are correct, it has nothing to do with something you did ‘wrong.’ You spending your birthday and Thanksgiving together and getting so much closer is what made him panic and run, because he can’t handle emotional intimacy. And NO you can’t teach him how to handle it. He will most likely never be able to – and if he does want to change and figure out how to be emotionally available, he is much more likely to do that on his own. Read the book, you will feel so much better.
I’m not sure if mine was EU or a narc. I know he had a harem, and kept us a secret because he wanted to be private. While still talking to me he went public with a girl half his age and then still texted me!
My question is: is it because she’s prettier? Or younger? (I’m quite a bit younger than he is). Like most EUM’s he was absolutely amazing for the first few months. Will he be a new man with her? Why was I not good enough?
I don’t think he gave up his harem for her, because he still tried to contact me and had ample opportunity to come clean about her and chose not to.
We had argued in the past about his neglect and he always came back after. When I found out this time I told him off. Will he try to come back? I’m on 2 weeks NC. when I tried to implement it before he would come back and break it.
I am 9 days into NC after an awful protracted ending to a 12 year relationship. This website and the No Contact book have been such a blessing for me. I have three young children but take print outs from here with me everywhere. I am insanely focussed on him still – it seems like 100% of the time he is at the forefront of my mind. I am so used to loneliness, waiting, crumbs and doing literally everything on my own that him living in another state and me doing NC feels the same as the last 8 years. I play our relationship in my mind in loops and fragments through the day – the awful stuff, the good stuff, the old stuff, the latest stuff that i can come to a full reconciliation with him in my mind. I read his private facebook messages (between him and his brother and him and his other ex before me) as i can still log in on our computer. So I can see exactly how he is feeling – pity and contempt for me; excitement at his new life; love and wonder for his new girlfriend, nothing for the children….I am keeping tabs, waiting for cracks in his new relationship, twisting the knife in myself…..I am pretty sure this is not NC but the shock and anger I feel at each predictable message tells me that a part of me needs to be slapped in the face with this until i accept this. My chest hurts all day.
Thank you- this post along with many many others has really helped me over a very difficult period. However, I feel like my situation is one I really could use some advice on, and would appreciate anybody who could contribute anything for me.
I moved to Thailand about a year ago, with the purpose of joining a sport training camp for a few months, something I had never done before. I joined the gym, where I was training 5 hours per day, and fell in love with the place immediately. It felt like home, and the friends I made there soon became family. It was the first time I had ever felt like I was part of a community. I ended up staying on longer. With that, I then began to fall into a relationship with one of my trainers. He had a girlfriend, and was promising to leave her, but it had to take time as their families are in business together. I ended up waiting and waiting, until nearly a year had gone past. We were taking holidays together, making future plans, and for the past 6 months, New Year was my waiting date as this was when the families were coming together to discuss the split.
New Year came and no action seemed to have been taken, and shortly after then, I was ghosted, and received no contact at all, apart from at training where we would train normally together and the connection was still there. At this point, I had been hurting for months on end, so decided to write a letter asking for us to have a conversation to clear it all, because training was becoming very difficult to act as if none of this was happening. I then stopped going to training and initiated the no contact from my side. A month has passed, and i’ve received no contact, and I’ve accepted that we’re not going to be together. However, I am now in a position where I have a huge chunk missing where the training used to fill my life. I have been training at other gyms but they’re just not the same. Im so lot as I miss my training, my gym family and my old lifestyle, but I know going back is still going to hold a lot of pain, even if I switch to a new trainer (the trainers are all related and will keep asking about the situation).
Any advice for a hurting heart?
Thanks in advance
Hey Charlotte… First, sorry to hear this and second, I can relate. I don’t know if I have any advice but I can tell you that I face a similar situation and how I deal with it.
I am a performer in a small, niche community where I live – it’s close-knit and everyone knows everyone. My very first friend in the scene turned out to be a charming, talented, emotionally unavailable manboy on the rebound who was using me for sexual attention and armchair therapy. I ended it after four months, realizing what I was dealing with (thank you, BR).
It hurt – but, as we know, making this decision often hurts, even though it’s the right choice. So, finding my way as a new performer in the scene felt daunting. I felt sure that everyone knew we’d been involved – and because he’s far more established, I figured I was probably being smeared in gossip. I wondered if he had told anyone what happened between us, twisting it to come out in his favor. All the mindgames we play with ourselves in the aftermath.
Despite this feeling that “this scene is so small,” it turned out to be much bigger than I thought. The people I became closest friends with after the split were people who only have a passing knowledge of him or who don’t know him at all. Since the breakup, the close friendships I’ve developed are not his close friends because those folks are a lot like he is: sparkly and shiny but not a lot of substance. In some ways, seeing who he is closest friends with lets me know it’s unlikely we’ll hit it off. Instead of worrying our split would ruin my acceptance in the scene, it actually saved me time and I don’t worry about them.
So my first lesson was: “Even though it feels like you’re the talk of the scene, everyone doesn’t know/care what happened and even those who do, you can ignore – you’ll be glad you did.”
Second, my passion for the kind of performing we do was somewhat bound up in my affections for him too. It was something we shared – and I’m guessing you have some of that in your gym as well. It’s hard to share something you love so much with that person and feel like it’s been ruined or polluted with their mistreatment of you, etc. Over time, I had to find ways to de-couple my feelings for the scene and my feelings for him. In a way, I had to “fall in love” with the scene, on my own terms – and that meant uncomfortable things in the months following the split such as: missing him at shows, imagining how it would feel if things had worked out, being in the same room/class with him and one time, we were performing on stage at the same time. It was hard. Every cell in my body wanted to either flee or run to embrace him in reconciliation. If I knew I would see him (or that it was possible I might run into him), I worked very hard to stay focused on WHY I was there – “to learn new skills,” “to perform in this amazing show,” “to spend time with my new friends,” etc. This kept me from veering off and focusing on him. Not that he didn’t try to test his ability to get my attention – but I always brought it back to “This is why I am here” – both in my head and in my behavior towards him.
So my second lesson was: “Figure out why this activity/place/community is important to you and focus on getting *that* from it.” That has allowed me to have my own role in the local performing scene and it has no bearing on him, no connection to him. In fact, it’s been a couple months and I have accomplished more in that time than he has in the last 5 years – and I was brand new last year. I’m not competing with him but it feels good to know that I did this on my own and the worries I had that not being friends with him/involved with him would hold me back in the scene (people wouldn’t work with me, etc.) were unfounded. I’ve succeeded on my own terms, made friends who are genuinely passionate about performing – and even if they know him and his name comes up, I don’t say a thing – I return to whatever we’re doing (practicing, working, rehearsing, etc.) – if I hear his name, I immediately refocus on the reason we’re there and get us back to that. I say to myself, “We’re not here to talk about him, we’re here to work/practice/rehearse.”
So, my hope for you is that you are able to fall back in love with your gym, feel the pain of the loss of this person and reclaim a space that’s important to you – and that you deserve! At the gym, be focused on why you’re there and what this space offers YOU. Believe me, everyone doesn’t know the details and everyone isn’t interested in hearing the dish. You’re there to work on your fitness goals and when they see you so invested in your goals, they have no choice but to either join in to help you get there …or leave you the hell alone.
I wish you all the best and I truly hope that what I’ve shared here is helpful to you!
xoxo