I read this great blog post on In Over Your Head earlier today about fear that I think many Baggage Reclaim relate to and it has a killer line in it: “Fear means it isn’t happening.”
The post is about a book called The Gift of Fear which is…er…about teaching women how to deal with stalkers and creepy assclowns basically! It talks about how when you’re walking home at night and afraid of being attacked, you’re not being attacked and if you were being attacked but listened to your instincts, your instincts would kick in and you would go into fight and survival mode. But worrying about it essentially means it’s not happening. You’re OK.
The difference is that we make our fears real in so much as that we believe them and get hijacked by them.
As a prime example, I was talking with a reader last night that had a very classic example of this. She was waiting for the guy she really likes to come around the other night as he was going to help her out with moving some stuff. When the time passed for him to be there, she spent the next 20 minutes thinking that he’d ditched her, he wasn’t going to turn up, he’d realised she was flawed and yada yada yada. As it was he’d ended up being stuck in traffic and clearly hadn’t realised she’d lose her mind. Now granted he probably could have called but I’ve discovered that some people do have a mindset of ‘I’ve said I’ll be there so obviously if I’m not there yet I’m running late’ and only when it goes past their comfort zone of late would they become concerned.
When he showed up she felt silly and she said that actually, she fears the worst all the time and rarely does whatever she’s scared of materialise. It’s when she bumbles along loving and trusting blindly and ignores anything that should be scaring her (ignoring instincts) that she gets into trouble.
Long time readers will know I had a very similar experience with the boyf when we first started dating. We said goodbye that morning and arranged to go out later and that he would call late afternoon. He dozed off on the sofa and went into a deep sleep after golf. My fears went into overdrive and I went on a fear rampage thinking the worst possible things about myself (and him) until a voice chirped in and said “What the f*ck are you doing?”. When I thought about things logically and weighed up my instincts and what I knew about him, I knew that he hadn’t transformed into an assclown in 12 hours and my fears were out of sync with his character. It occurred to me that he’d probably fallen asleep and lo and behold, he had. It’s fortunate I listened to my sane self because the other me had me storming out, cursing him when I spoke with him next, and relegating him to the assclown pile. We’re still loved up today and have two daughters.
In talking with people, I see the fact that their fear isn’t happening all the time. They just don’t realise it.
A few months back I spoke with someone else who had decided to stop dating someone because she was convinced that he was going to dump her. He called and called and eventually gave up. I asked why she didn’t take the call – she said she was scared of what she might hear. I’ll put it this way – I don’t think he was beating down her door to tell her she was dumped…
I spoke with someone else a few days ago and when I asked her why she couldn’t do something, she basically described her fears. I was like ‘Hello! This hasn’t actually happened. You’re talking yourself down and being defeated when actually, you’re not that person and you could’ve been thinking about a solution instead’. She didn’t realise that she’s not the person that she thinks she is and who he thinks she is likely to be – she has moved on from being that person but she’s still scared of it.
Are you living a life based on your fears where you’re reacting to things that aren’t actually happening?
One of the things I know is that you’re more equipped to survive and deal with situations if you’d only recognise your own strength – it’s important to assess the threat level. As I said in my post about making someone the sole source of your happiness, I was scared I wouldn’t love again or survive without a number of people and here I am living, breathing, and loving.
Some of you will say ‘But it’s happened before and that’s why I’m scared’.
If you’re scared that something that has happened before might happen again it’s all the more reason to listen to yourself and use the lessons from the previous experience to guide your instincts now. But you have to be prepared to be self-aware and listen to you and be your own best friend and trust your judgement. Otherwise you will paint yourself into a corner.
I love that the author of the posts adds “If it’s happening, you deal with it. If you’re just worried, you’re already probably doing fine.”
Sometimes we’re too hard on ourselves and we underestimate our power and potential – don’t limit yourself.
Your thoughts?
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Natalie, once again, your post spookily reflects what is going on with me. Right before I read your post today, I realized that fear is running my life – mostly my love-life. It began this morning … I am on day 51 of NC with the AC. Last week, he tried to engage me a couple of times, but I blew him off. Then over the weekend, guess what? I got scared. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wanted to tell me something I wanted to hear. Maybe I was too mean? So today when I saw him, I actually smiled and spoke. That was it and for the rest of the day, I was nuts. Why had I done that? What was I thinking? He just kept working all day and ignored me. Suddenly I was feeling scared and dumb. I kept looking at my cell for a text – waiting for him to make an excuse to come by my office … I wasted my entire lunch beating myself up – wondering why I thought he would suddenly wanted me back! Me – rushing, pushing, chasing. Chasing what? I have a lot of thinking to do. Reading your post calmed me down. I took a deep breath and actually laughed at myself. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks NML. <3
annied
I hear what you are saying here. I am in the exact same boat. NC is the only thing that really works. We can’t partially engage with assclowns – the deluded, obsessional thinking kicks in, they once again become the center of our existance and hijack our lives and peace of mind. You sucked it and saw – you aren’t ready yet. Your boundaries aren’t in place. Accept that. Accept him for what he is. Use all the drama and messed up feelings as the sign that they are – stay away from him. Trust yourself, trust the process.
AnnieD! So good to hear from you! Stay strong! I am totally rooting for you because I know that you have been through a myriad of emotions and had your fingers burned in the fire many a time. Keep the faith and keep HIM real. You’re getting hijacked by nostalgia and The Big Idea – you know when your imagination goes into overdrive and you imagine that things are a certain way or could be. Keep your feet in reality and remember exactly what has happened with him and stop holding onto the illusion of what he could be, if only he had a lobotomy and a care transplant. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You can make the temporary slide as big or as small as you want it to be – I suggest you minimise, get back on the wagon and push forward. Sometimes we need to burn our hands another time or two to heed the lesson. ((((hugs))))
Damn! So spot on!
I had a conversation with the man I was SOOOO afraid was going to break up with me. He started to talk about his dissatisfactions with the relationship, and I jumped to the conclusion he was breaking up with me—he wasn’t. But I acted like he had, and that was that. He thought that *I* broke up with HIM! We just went into fear mode and fulfilled our own prophesies. Funny how that works.
Thanks Natalie.
I have been in a relationship with what seems to be an EUM for 13 yrs. We both have many issues, I currently am working diligently on mine, which is my fear of abandonment, insecurities, co-dependency, and low self-esteem. Whew! Quite a lot! I am battling as to whether to let go of the relationship or stay in it, and yes, we are intimate. It will take a lot of work and energy either way I realize this. A few weeks ago we had a big discussion, one of the many, (he knows I love him and he does not reciprocate). He said, “I never lied to you”. (He told me from the start, “Just friends, don’t fall in love”). He says he does not know if he is capable of loving someone. He told me I was insecure, that I had to create my own happiness and decide what was important. I told him if that’s true then because he knew how I felt then he should have bowed out. I also said you won’t take responsibilty for your part in it. He then said he was sorry. A liitle farther down the road I was still unhappy, we were at our favorite spot one night. I told him that I had thought about what he said and it really hit home so… I was going to change, work on my relationships, change my choices and the way I conduct myself and my life. He then said that he wanted to think about it and we would talk when he got back from his trip, promise. That was 3 weeks ago and we still have not talked really. He said we are going to but he has to work up the nerve and it’s a lot of nerve to work up to. Finally last night I told him I thought he had not made good on his promise. He said, “We’re going to talk”. He did not give me a date or time. My reply was, It’s best for me if we have no further contact while you “work up the nerve”. “You could put it off forever, and I’m inclined to think so with no specific date and time”. That was yesterday, I realize what I said and that I have to back that up with actions, NC. My quandry is, I hate ultimatums and I feel as though it’s a stalemate.
Did I do the right thing? Where to go from here? Your thoughts?
Hopeful….I think when your guy said you were insecure, that you had to create your own happiness and decide what was important he was giving you an out. He also said, “I never lied to youâ€, “Just friends, don’t fall in love†evidently he meant it.
13yrs is a long time to invest but if what you want isn’t what he wants then its seems to me you need to move on. I know easier said than done but if after all this time he needs to “work up his nerve” for what you seem to already know where he stands on the issues.
Good Luck
Hey Hopeful,
Relating to this article, your fears are not unfounded and you are not worrying about nothing. As NML says in the post, you have to trust your instincts and yours are spot on at the moment. He could take forever to decide he’s ‘ready’ to talk, so you’re right in making ultimatums and starting NC. He is not treating you with respect, but by doing what you’re doing YOU are treating yourself with respect and that’s a brilliant thing. He has no need to change as long as you let him get away with his stalling behaviour.
Also, think how you would react if things were the other way around: you love him – if he said he needed to talk to you and wasn’t happy, would you keep him waiting? Of course not, because you love and respect him. The fact that he does not reciprocate tells you everything you need to know. If you truly love someone, you wouldn’t do anything that risks that person walking out of your life.
Keep on with the NC – if he can’t give you what you want, think of your own happiness and walk away.
Best of luck and keep strong!
Minky an Mary C, thanks for your comments. I was questioning myself because of years of not trusting myself or others, bad choices, self-defeating behaivor and so on. Your comments and more thought and research has confirmed I made the right choice. I have spent all my life wanting someone to love me and think I’m special. The problem has been I never thought or even once did it for me. All those years of abuse and neglect as a child I could not help myself. I went into adulthood and then rendered myself helpless. No more! I can love and care for me better than anyone, I am worth it! I raised a family and am now almost 56 years years old. Better late than never they say. I am worth it and I desrve it. The AC streak ends here and now. I will not waste my time on those people who are not worthy of me or my time, he is one of them. He reflected the negative I believed about myself, I leave that behind. On the other hand, he reflected positive things as well, highly intelligent, intuitive, a great sense of humor, hard worker, etc. Those things I take with me and leave the AC’s and baggage behind. I love coming to the site because I know you will keep it real and to the point. We are all worth every effort we give to ourselves and the support we get form each other. Kepp it real ladies and stay strong! We are one in the same!
He doesn’t want to talk to you. He doesn’t want to get married adn he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with you. He is putting off talking to you because he fears your reaction, ie that you might cry or, God forbid, put him on the spot. 13 years is a long time but Jerry Hall was married to Mick for longer than that and, hey, she STILL had to dump him.
I just wanted to comment because the emotionally available person who I was involved with for about two years said the same exact thing to me. He said “he never lied to me” and “was not in love with me.” It hurt. But he was never going to change his mind. Period. And believe me, I tried to change this kid. I tried so freaking hard to change the situation.
I haven’t spoken to him in a year and a half. Although it was hard at the beginning, I truly feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have had two encounter with emotionally available men since then that rocked me a little. But I didn’t let them last long. Life should not be wasted on people who suck the energy from you and only make you feel awful.
Hmmm, I don’t really know what to make of this post. I mean, I get what you are saying, but sometimes when we fear something is happening, it IS happening. Maybe we do go the self-fulfilling prophecy route, but I am not sure this post almost seems to work against some of the things I have heard here on this site in the past. Theotoks, when your fellow complained about the relationship, what were you supposed to think? I guess the point is to move beyond fear and find out what is what. BUT, at the same time, do we really always need someone else to tell us what is what? I guess I am very confused.
This post has made me think pretty hard about my fears and trying to figure out which ones are legitimate and which ones I blow up and make into a problem. I’m having a hard time with it too. Although I totally get what NML is saying and it is something I need to get my head around, I am stuck on this: I worried so so much when in the relationship with the ex AC about what he was doing behind my back. He did earn it, he lied about so many things, behaved like a slut in front of me, cheated, etc., etc. So, when I would sit and worry about stuff, then question him on my “gut” feelings based on reality of him being untrustworthy, he would then accuse ME of questioning too much and say things like “don’t panic”, or “you get ideas in your head and it f**ks with your brain”. He would turn it on me and say that my fears were getting the best of me so he could AVOID having a conversation about it. He manipulated the external fears into internal fears to shut me down and take my voice away. I’m sure sometimes, certain incidents, I did fear what wasn’t happening but how in the heck do you differentiate when they DO the things you fear. The one time you act on an internal fear they clobber you over the head with it. It is hard to sort this stuff out when the AC distorted things so much. It makes me realize how much work I have to do to separate his behavior from my own and get a grip on my fears so I can be rational in my future relationships. Learning to trust oneself. Great post to again make me dig deep.
The key is that it’s the ex ac. If you’re going to judge someone at least base it on an assessment of their actions not on someone else’s. You have to use awareness of your boundaries and the ability to differentiate between your own internal dialogue and real actions. You need to work out who you are and centre yourself. You’re not currently in that position because you don’t trust yourself and have faith in your judgements meaning you will find it difficult to be happy and have faith in others.
Yeah, fear is a powerfull thing. I makes u numb to a point where u don’t see anything clearly, even if it’s painfully obvious. And a lot of times u find yourself afraid of being afraid and the vicious cicle never ends. But we can work on it:)
I’m just starting to see my pathern of Mr. Unavaliables clearly and they are prettx much the same.
But one of them was pretty much always dumped after a couple of months by a girl, and the other one had numerous relationships that lasted for about 2 months and then he ended it or made sure that it ended.
Why are they so different in this aspect, help me understand please??
wowo
ana
They’re not that different. One was sabotaging things at around 2 months to make sure they were dumped and the other was making sure the relationship ended by being the dumper. The end result is the same.Â
Exactly NML, it seems that many of us (me included) like to latch onto some perceived “difference” that makes this man not really an ass clown because he is doing y and assclowns usually do x. That small point of difference is irrelevant, it’s a straw that we cling to so we don’t have to face the truth. ie yep, he IS an ass clown.
They are all the same. No matter how much they see themselves as special, with unique problems, with particular sensitivities, a nice guy etc etc. they aren’t. And you know what, it actually makes them rather boring!
thanks natalie and grace! you’re right once again:)
One EUM was the dumper, and the other Mr. Unavaliable showed his true self after a while and the “healthy” girls got tired of him and dumped his sorry ass. And then they were all crazy women in his mind;)
Anyway, like you always say Natalie, it’s not about them, it’s about why i let them mess with me;) All my dating life was one big drama and now, thanks to your blog and your wise advise, I’m getting my groove back. I’m starting to figure out, who am I and what i want and starting to give myself the love and attention, I have me time… slowly but I’ll get thehe;)
So honestly, what’s your doing for all of us out there is truly amazing:) When i have a bad moment i read one of your posts and then I’m like ok, I’m gonna do this now, ok, i have daddy issues, mama issues, but it’s my life and I’m responsible for it, so i better do this, no more miss drama queen!!!;)
Can’t thank you enough!
And Grace, you were so spot on!!! I read your comment and it was just what i needed to hear. Yeah, they think they are special and they want us to think that too. But like you said, a duck is a duck, an assclown is an assclown. Nothing special about that;)
xoxo
ana
Hi Natalie,
thank you so much, it seems you have put my thoughts into words !!
I am always driven by fear, the origin of it is my fear of abandonment. Since I have found your website I have learned so many things and I am working on my fears.
One time in my life I was letting my guard down and didn’t fear anything, that was when I have met my very abusive EUM Assclown and all.The fact that he has lied to me so skillfully until he had me totally under his thumb (or so he thought) made me feel very secure and I trusted him blindly.
So I totally agree with your post and with my boyfriend I have been living with now for 4 weeks !! ;-))) my old fears are back, but from what I have learned on your site, I am working very hard to keep my fears balanced. It is good to have fears, because they prevent from trusting blindly, but they mustn’t take over everything and they mustn’t run your life and they mustn’t ruin a good relationship.
Take care
It’s amazing how when someone caters to a familiar pattern that we throw caution to the wind and love and trust blindly. Of course anyone who we would do that with is likely to be a dangerous relationship. Love doesn’t require us to be blind to the reality of someone. You now need to embrace your current relationship and find a middle ground. Don’t push him away because of your fears. Congrats on moving in – now enjoy it!
NAT,
Are you a mind reader? I am in …hmm… 8 or 9 months NC – good sign if i’m losing track right? I have been dating someone new – someone i actually like. He’s my age 27. actually a year younger – i’m turning 28 tomorrow (:D). He’s “normal” – absolutely no sign of assclownery. He’s charming and sweet – can be a bit of a punk, but i like it.
Aaaanyway – i find myself thinking about my past and letting my fear get the best of me. He went away on a trip and didn’t seem as affectionate when he returned. I then turned up the drama meter in my own mind “omg, he doesn’t like me anymore, he met someone else, he changed his mind, he doesn’t think i’m all that…bla bla bla” i then turned around and basically told him to beat it. He called right away, laughed at me, and told me to calm down. I laughed it off too.. and he explained how he’s been so sick, back at work and so busy.
This is my first normal experience since my AC, getting your mind screwed for 3 years does make you a liiiitttlllee paranoid. I’m trying so hard to think a bit more logically, and to trust him.
Thank you for this.
Big Hug
Big hugs to you too. Three words – exhale, embrace, enjoy. If this is going to work or not work out, let it do so based on the merits of this relationship not misplaced fears xx
Thanks Natalie.
I really like this post. Mindset is the key. When we learn how to control our thoughts – away from the negative, destructive thoughts – a whole new world opens up.
FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real!
Thanks Cathy – love that acronym! What we learn out of this is that our fears can be a reality without them being a reality – by making them
real & basing our subsequent actions on them.
Yes, acronyms are great enhancers of memory.
Interestingly the message I listened to last night was on this subject – about how our fears, worry about the future or addictions can hold us prisoner.
Worrying doesn’t help us in any way – it just wastes our time and energy. A new acronym from last night …
STOP worrying.
S – Specify the concern – what are you afraid of
T – Take action if it is something you can change
O – If it is outside your control – Offer up a prayer to God
P – Place your trust in God and trust him to sort it!!
Love it!
I like your STOP acronym! It reminds me of this prayer (can’t remember what it’s called):
God give me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
F
I love this post, like all the posts here. I have been coming face to face with my fears of late, fears I didn’t even know I had. I have read a good book, “Stuck” by Anneli Rufus. Its not a self-help book as such, although it is eye opening. She writes in the same, slap in the face wake up call way Natalie does and it deals with why we get stuck in our lives – laziness, comfort and fear. We use bad habits to fill the voids or gaps in our lives and, even when we know they are bad for us, we keep going back because they are familiar and comforting, even in their dysfunction. I realize I use the assclown and to a lesser extent this site to stay stuck. At first, it was about figuring him out. Then, thanks to this site, I began to hold myself accountable and see my role in it. But I stayed stuck in a way. He remained on my mind, not in the obsessive, “I need to get him back” way but I found myself thinking about him constantly, referencing him constantly and I didn’t like it. What the “Stuck” book showed is that we use this sort of thing to numb and comfort ourselves. It allows us to avoid facing what we don’t want to face (an idea Natalie has addressed many times here). We use victimization, the false ideas of “addiction” and “disease” for bad behaviour patterns and obsessive thinking as a way of not facing what is missing in our own lives – namely, a life. I can name chapter and verse what my assclown’s problems were but in reality, they are my problems too. He refused to hold himself accountable to others – I am not accountable to me. He was disrespectful to me and so am I. he needs to grow up and so do I. I am stuck. I had little life, despite some outside trappings, so when he showed up, I tried to make him my life, despite all the signs that he had no intention of filling that role. I had expectations I didn’t even realize or acknowledge and when he failed to meet them, I was hurt. Then i wanted him to acknowledge the pain he had caused and apologize, validate me but he didn’t realize he needed to do that, much less want to do that, and again I was hurt. I was causing my own pain, my own misery but it was oddly comfortable, familiar and now I am stuck. But I intend to get unstuck, start living for me. Find what I like, not just to fill the hours and numb the pain but to feel alive and valid for myself. As much as I love this site, it too has become a crutch, a way of staying stuck and inactive. While it will be good to visit from time to time and read some empowering words, it is time to re-engage with the real world and start living. Fear has kept me stuck too long. As scared as I am, and I am scared, I cannot stay this way any longer.
This is such an excellent and enlightening comment – everyone who is stuck on the who, what, and why’s of their assclowns and mr unavailables and seeking validation should read this. Thanks for sharing Tina!
Wow, Tina, I can relate to what you are saying about focusing on them to avoid our own emptiness. I am in that place of trying to become unstuck. It’s easy to keep going back to dysfunctional distractions, but after a while, even those distractions become uncomfortable. I have gotten to a place where I have become so aware of the emptiness, even the mindless activities don’t numb the pain anymore.
Maybe that is a good thing. I once heard someone say that true change can only happen when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing. (Or the fear of it, for that matter.)
I like what NML said about having faith in our own judgment. I tend to go back and forth, worrying that I am being too cautious because I have been hurt before. So, then I go too far the other way, and throw caution out the window. I once had a counselor tell me that I wasn’t trusting my intuition. Yes, maybe I was more sensitive and fearful of being hurt, but all that meant was that maybe my radar would pick up on something a little sooner, because of my experience. My painful past did not make my intuition broken, it just fine-tuned it.
I agree with Natalie, that we should not judge others based on someone else’s actions, but we also should not lose faith in our ability use our judgment in the present situation.
Tina, it is inspiring to read everyone’s thoughts and experiences as we all move forward through changes. All of us being at different stages, I find myself reading some of the comments and thinking, “augh, I remember being in that place”, measuring my own progress and then reading yours today and having hope that I may reach the same kind of awareness as I move foward. It is reassurance that we CAN move forward and find our way. Thanks for sharing with us.
Tina,
This posts sounds like you’ll be visiting a bit less,
so wanted to say how much I’ve enjoyed your writing.
Our stories sound very similar, so it was always interesting to see you express many of the same thoughts that had gone through my head.
When I first found this site, I was here off and on about 24/7.
It probably saved my life. No kidding.
I still like to come back — when I find I start making up BS in my head and need a reality check; or just to see how others are doing.
I hope you will check in too and update everyone on your progress.
Just as a side note — something that really helped me was reading a little bit about narcissitic personality disorder.
I don’t think the average AC is quite this psycho, but for me the whole idealize, devalue and discard thing was spot on.
Anyway, good luck with everything.
Best,
Over it
Tina-I can feel your pain and your strength in your words. It is terrifying to realize how empty our lives can be, and how destructive the means we choose to try and fill it have become. In our desperation (and I hate to use that word but it seems appropriate) to get someone to love us, to fill the void, to feel about us the way we can’t feel about ourselves, we invited in, tolerated and even felt we loved some very bad people – reaffirming our beliefs and repeating the cycle, digging the hole within us even deeper. When I first found this site, I thought I was only reeling from a bad breakup to a confusing and frustrating man. Thanks to what I have found here and the work I have done on myself, I now see the problem is much bigger, much deeper and been going on for much longer than my relationship to the AC. Terrifying but the good news is that I am in control of what happens now. I no longer feel like the victim of an EUM and his whims – this is my problem, my fight and one I intend to win. For me. Thank you Natalie and all the women here for sharing and supporting. Tina – please don’t think of this site as a crutch. It is merely a tool to help you on your journey. Use it as a guide and a means of shifting your thinking, at least until your life becomes so full and rich that being on the internet at all seems small. May we all become unstuck.
Tina – Thanks for sharing where you’re at in such a poignant way. I think our very similar AC incident kicked off at around the same time (or at least we came onto this site around the same time) so it’s nice to see what insights and conclusions you’ve reached. I am at that point of grounding it all in myself (and recognizing those mirroring sentiments that you expressed – where you see their level of respect for you as a function of your own level of self-respect) and have accepted that I need to take my caravan and move on, but I do teeter with this fear of actually letting go of the task of trying to understand the AC and managing some natural reeling sensations from his behaviour (though the latter is less intense these days).
I understand that a lot of the struggle has to do with the fact that I am, and have been, dealing with the need for change on a few fronts in my life, some out of choice, some necessity. The AC offered a kind of solution and structure to make the transition less scary, and in some ways, even though he is out of my life, emotionally, he still fulfills some of this role. You really have summed up much of where I am at, in ways I couldn’t – so thank you.
I think Sule’s right – any relationship is a deeper manifestation and mirror of our self-perception/self-love, our past (or perceptions of our past) and emotional maturity, and something about an encounter with an AC in particular throws all of this into the sharpest relief, allowing for insights into the very heart of things. This is one of the reasons I am super grateful for the experience, but it’s also pretty unsettling, being afforded the opportunity (should you choose it) to inspect this rare litmus test of your own well-being, and your ability to respond to yourself, and to life, in ways that are healthy, creative and courageous.
Good luck to all! And thanks, once again, to Natalie and all of you.
“This is one of the reasons I am super grateful for the experience, but it’s also pretty unsettling, being afforded the opportunity (should you choose it) to inspect this rare litmus test of your own well-being, and your ability to respond to yourself, and to life, in ways that are healthy, creative and courageous.”
Wow, what a stellar sentence. These days I am forcing myself to see and deal with the fears that have been keeping me from moving forward into the unknown of big changes in my life.
A huge part of the appeal of that AC was his avoidant personality, at a time when I was going through a major upheaval. I delved right into learning about avoidance, which I had never known before, partially to keep me from moving forward. The internal conflict it caused was substantial because while I was practicing avoidance I was uneasy all the while. I now see that avoidance, the fear that drives it, and the resulting depression/ lack of action all took a pretty big toll on me.
It has taken a good long while to regain my courageous and healthy approach to life. I have been here almost two years processing. But it’s OK because I have seen progress all the while. I also know I am slow to learn but when I finally get something, I am usually very good at it. I know that I am emerging stronger because of all this. Best wishes to all.
I am having real trouble with making changes too. I feel inspired one day and down in the dumps the next.
I fear leaving behind the uncomfortable comfortableness, as mentioned in this and so many posts. Today is a good day though and i found this quote, which i keep reminding myself of when i dwell on the past, AC and EUMs and generally start getting in my own way again:
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France”
Food for thought once again, Natalie. Was I was dating AC and EUM I would agonize over “what if.” “what if they don’t call?” …… “what if he changes his mind?”…I was living my life as “Chicken Little” afraid the sky was falling…Needless to say, that kind of catastrophic thinking isn’t good for the stomach. When I got over my issues, and dealt with myself, I started asking myself why would I care if he didn’t call, or if he changed his mind? When you’re secure within yourself, and you don’t depend on others for your happiness, it frees you from “the fear.” The phone call, date, future, aren’t as “high stakes” anymore….
Love,
Happily married Randy… 🙂
Tina and others – I have read through the comments for this post and am moved to tears. I was raised in a family where it wasn’t ok to talk about … well, anything. There was always the elephant in the room no one mentioned. No one ever apologized, acknowledged each others feels or taught us how to deal with our fears. We simply soldiered on. Now I find myself well into my 40s, unable to cope with even the simple things. Unable to be in relationships where I can be myself, say what I want and need and expect to get it or know what to do when I don’t get it. Like you, Tina, fear has me completely stuck, paralyzed and just going through the motions of a very limited life…more of an existance, really. A series of bad relationships has left me terrified, of getting hurt and rejected, of learning I really am unlovable and that all men cheat or leave. I morph and change to try and please him. I have lost myself and my way. I don’t know who I am outside of relationships. I amp up the drama, create chaos just to feel anything, to feel alive. I too tried to make my AC the center of my life, although I didn’t do it consciously and probably would have denied it at the time. Now, I don’t really want to let go of thinking about him. I recognize what he is and that he can never give me what I want, but if I let go of the thoughts, then I really have nothing and that thought makes me unbearably sad. To wake up one day and realize my life is so small, so empty that I would rather hang on to thinking about a bad man and a bad relationship than accept that I don’t even have that. Six months ago I would have fought you tooth and nail if you had tried to tell me I was one of those desperate, pathetic women that lived only for the men in their lives. I didn’t think I was this way but after only a few months with my AC, I have to admit I had so little in my world, he seemed like a good idea. I knew I wasn’t really happy, wasn’t really getting what I wanted but I was so terrified of losing what little I had, I clung to the crumbs and, when even the crumbs were gone, I held on to the memories and the thoughts and the “trying to figure it all out”. I know that life has to be about me. I have intellectually accepted what happened, my role in it, how to stay grounded in reality but am still struggling with getting those ideas and concepts embedded into my heart and soul. I absolutely get that being rid of him is for the best, but sometimes it feels like that has thrown a spotlight on the empty shell that is me and my life. What is really holding me back is fear – I can see that. I am just “stuck” on what to do about it. I tried Natalies “get out of stuck” workbook and it helped but I am still missing something. I can identify all my patterns, mistakes and missing pieces. I guess I just need the courage to put all that knowledge into practice. I never knew fear played this big a role in my life. Thank you Natalie and all the women of this website for sharing your stories. There is alot of comfort in knowing I am not alone.
Sarah, i enjoyed your post and understand how you feel, hope you’re finding the strength to let go of the fear and better yourself for healthier experiences. *big hug*