In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I get into a topic that so many of us stress over: working out what’s unfair and reasonable. Is what they’re asking fair and reasonable? Are their expectations of us fair and reasonable? Is it just our imagination or is the way they’re approaching things unreasonable?
When people ask or expect something of us and we, often deep down, know that we don’t want to do it or that we don’t have the bandwidth, we feel unfair and unreasonable. What we have to recognise is that if we don’t consider ourselves in our decisions and choices, we will struggle to discern what feels good and right for us. We also won’t know whether there’s a boundary issue or just how to be honest with the person.
When gauging what is unfair and unreasonable, you have to ensure that you are coming from a place of recognising that things are equitable – that you have the same rights and responsibilities, you are not ‘less than’ and so you need to consider whether a request or what somebody is doing feels good and right for you.
If you doing, being, agreeing to or putting up with something, isn’t going to cause you more problems, go ahead… if you want to.
Even if we have the bandwidth to do something that doesn’t mean that someone else is entitled to us doing what they want. We can use our time in any way we see fit.
Sometimes it’s not so much what we’re expecting or asking but how we go about things.
Respect means respecting people’s no even when we’d rather they said yes.
One of the things we learn from paying attention to ourselves and our boundaries is that, yes, sometimes an ask or expectation is fair and reasonable when taken at face value but sometimes it is unfair and unreasonable based on what we’re expecting of us, what they’re expecting or how they’re going about it.
It’s unfair and unreasonable to expect anyone, including ourselves, to always say yes.
Generally speaking, it isn’t unfair and unreasonable to say no. Content and context matter.
It’s not unfair and unreasonable for our boss to ask us to do something, but it is unfair and unreasonable to expect that we can do everything even when all of the things that are being asked are not necessarily fair and reasonable.
Part of our responsibility with our interpersonal relationships is to communicate our bandwidth and boundaries. Both verbally and through our actions. Yes, it is unfair and unreasonable when co-workers and bosses pile us up with stuff, but we have to acknowledge whether we are contributing to their expectation through lack of communication and the likes of people pleasing and perfectionism. If we always take on stuff out of fear of looking a certain way and give the impression that it’s all ‘doable’ when we’re actually working incredibly long hours behind the scenes, we are responsible for that.
People only know our line and our limit when we communicate it.
Even if an ask or expectation, or the person’s behaviour are fair and reasonable, we are not obliged to say yes.
The whole idea of being a decent, kind, generous person isn’t to create the owe from others.
Sometimes the clue is in our own feelings, attitude, thinking and behaviour.
Turn down anything that jeopardises your wellbeing.
Turn down or certainly revise your motivations for agreeing or continuing if you are doing it from a place of being in a ‘child role’.
If you already feel resentful or are going to, it’s got to be a NO.
Don’t emotionally blackmail you into doing things.
Unless the benefit of something outweighs any problems it’s going to bring you, say/show no.
Just because someone has a need, it doesn’t mean that it’s your job to fill it.
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“Just because someone has a need, it doesn’t mean that it’s your job to fill it.”
This right here.
NATALIE
on 15/10/2019 at 8:57 pm
It’s one of my favourite reminders to my inner pleaser 🙂
Yannie
on 11/10/2019 at 9:08 pm
Wow, that was such a helpful and insightful poadcast ep. I sat there listening to it and so many things in my brain clicked and all of a sudden I could see a way on how to get out of this dilemma of having a hard time saying no. I’ve always done it despite it making me feel bad very often and I know why that was, how I became this way, but the ugly feeling about it never went away. Now I can empathize with myself way more and truly logically see how important it was for me to say no and that I truly was reasonable when I said no.
Lesson learned.
Thank you a lot for this podcast, Natalie.
NATALIE
on 15/10/2019 at 8:58 pm
You’re so very welcome, Yannie. Being able to empathise and express compassion for your present and younger self is a game changer. Take care of you.
Dedi Williamson
on 13/10/2019 at 4:46 am
When this podcast was originally published, I only listened once. However, my life took a turn for the “comfortable”. Consequently, I started scrolling backwards through the most recently published podcasts. Luckily and serendipitously, I came upon this one within twenty-four hours of ths “professor life” moment. Natalie, I listened to this episode more than three times today alone. You, your message, your experiences and your delivery are more helpful than anyone ever in my fifty four years. I am five years into following your baby “Baggage Reclaim: and I am grateful for every word.
NATALIE
on 15/10/2019 at 8:57 pm
Wow, thank you so much, Dedi. I’m incredibly touched by your comment. I put my heart and soul into my work, and knowing that it has connected with you so deeply is another reminder of why I do what I do.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
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“Just because someone has a need, it doesn’t mean that it’s your job to fill it.”
This right here.
It’s one of my favourite reminders to my inner pleaser 🙂
Wow, that was such a helpful and insightful poadcast ep. I sat there listening to it and so many things in my brain clicked and all of a sudden I could see a way on how to get out of this dilemma of having a hard time saying no. I’ve always done it despite it making me feel bad very often and I know why that was, how I became this way, but the ugly feeling about it never went away. Now I can empathize with myself way more and truly logically see how important it was for me to say no and that I truly was reasonable when I said no.
Lesson learned.
Thank you a lot for this podcast, Natalie.
You’re so very welcome, Yannie. Being able to empathise and express compassion for your present and younger self is a game changer. Take care of you.
When this podcast was originally published, I only listened once. However, my life took a turn for the “comfortable”. Consequently, I started scrolling backwards through the most recently published podcasts. Luckily and serendipitously, I came upon this one within twenty-four hours of ths “professor life” moment. Natalie, I listened to this episode more than three times today alone. You, your message, your experiences and your delivery are more helpful than anyone ever in my fifty four years. I am five years into following your baby “Baggage Reclaim: and I am grateful for every word.
Wow, thank you so much, Dedi. I’m incredibly touched by your comment. I put my heart and soul into my work, and knowing that it has connected with you so deeply is another reminder of why I do what I do.