This week’s quiz is all about whether you’re a commitment dodger. When you resist being absolute in promising yourself to something or someone and/or keep yourself out of situations where you would have to be vulnerable and committed, it shows that you have commitment issues. Which of the following statements do you agree with:
1. I experience anxiety around occasions like birthdays, Valentine’s, Christmas, meeting people etc because of what someone who I’m involved with might think that it means.
2. I make arrangements and then worry about whether I can back out of them or start coming up with possible excuses for why I won’t make it and even checking cancellation policies.
3. I’m always dating, rarely in a relationship. I just haven’t met the right person yet. Things just don’t work out!
4. I find it difficult to make and stick to a decision.
5. I often date several people at a time.
6. I’ve tended to be interested or involved with people who are emotionally unavailable.
7. I’ve not wanted an ex but have felt panicked about them moving on.
8. When I end a relationship, I don’t like the door to be closed in case I change my mind.
9. I’ve done No Contact with someone and then broken it because I couldn’t bear the idea of not speaking to them again or me not being around to reap the benefit if they decided to change.
10. I often spend hours or even days flip flapping back and forth about whether I will attend a social gathering.
11. I’ve gone back to the same relationship many times.
12. I have stood up friends or romantic partners on occasion.
13. I’ve been involved with someone who was attached or had other obstacles that prevented them being fully available and then when they left their partner (or said they would), or the obstacles were removed, I got panicky/lost interest.
14. I have disappeared on a partner when it’s felt ‘too much’.
15. When I experience any feelings that make me uncomfortable, I shut them down/block them out.
16. I‘ve ended a relationship for what felt like very valid reasons and then panicked about whether it was right or them moving on, and made contact with them/tried to get back together only for me to then realise that my original reasons still stood.
17. I tend to get involved with people who live very far away or online relationships.
18. On more than one occasion I have had to tell someone I’ve been dating that I’m not ready for a relationship.
19. I don’t have time for a relationship because I have The Busiest Job In The World [or whatever obstacle you blame it on].
20. I’ve experienced a painful breakup and started to get my life back together and then felt panicked about focusing on me so sought out my ex.
Each one of the above statements are a sign of commitment issues. Read on for more insight to the above statements…
1. It’s time to ask yourself about the sincerity of your involvement if you’re afraid of having meaning. What are you afraid of? Your relationship cannot progress without commitment and you will kill it, if you keep trying to stop it from having ‘meaning’.
2. Making arrangements and sticking with them is one of life’s basic ways of teaching you to be accountable, respectful, and committed. The fact that on making an arrangement that you have agreed to that you quickly start seeking ways to get out of it or undermine it, is a sign of passive aggression. Following through on what you say you’ll do will filter through to your interactions. Don’t say yes unless you are 100% intent on doing it and only back out in an emergency.
3. Having short-lived interactions are a sure sign of commitment issues. If this is you, you need to evaluate who you’re involved with and/or why you bail. If you get nervous about things lasting, you will find reasons for it not to get far enough to even try.
4. Making a decision requires commitment instead of backtracking and flip flapping back and forth. When you do this, it will force you to not only be accountable but to get out of being ‘stuck’ in inertia plus you will stop messing people around. In relationships in particular, it is not always easy to have a 100% outcome for a decision. Often you have a hell of a lot of the answers but not all of them, but the hell of a lot you have are more than enough to make a decision on…if you’ll just commit to it and stop hedging your bets. Get over your fear of being wrong.
5. Multiple dating is spreading yourself thin and keeping your options open. Read my post on why multiple dating is a sign of commitment resistance.
6. The major sign of obvious or on the lowdown fear of commitment is involvement with emotionally unavailable people. Committing to someone who can’t commit is not the same as committing. Often, in these circumstances, it’s because there is no real commitment in the offing that would require us to be emotionally available and vulnerable, that makes the relationship attractive.
7. Again, by trying to ‘own’ an ex like a piece of property, you’re failing to follow through on your decision. This fear is about not having access to them or them becoming a better person in a better relationship…with someone else.
8. Trying to keep the door open on your relationship in case you change your mind is very disrespectful to the other party....just ask the thousands of readers who have had their lives messed with and have had to do No Contact. This is why there are so many casual relationships and half-assed breakups – because people like you want to keep one foot in the door…just in case. People aren’t here to serve your purpose!
9. The key with the success of No Contact is being committed to your decision. You may waver, wobble, or even fall off the wagon, but if you’re NC for the right reasons, you’ll recognise that you don’t need to hear from them again if you’re genuinely going to move on with your life.
10. Seriously, you’ll clear a lot of brain clutter if you just say YES…or NO. There is nothing to agonise over. You are thinking and talking too much. You know your diary, you know if you’re available or not. Or maybe you’re staying on the fence for a better offer…
11. Going back to the same relationship many times shows a total lack of commitment – you’re never serious in your decision to go back…or leave. It’s like a game. If you have to go back so many times, it shows that your relationship is not viable.
12. Standing up someone is flaky and disrespectful. Period. Your time is not more valuable than others.
13. When the obstacles to commitment get removed and you no longer want it, it shows you are not sincere in your desire to commit and the attraction is their unavailability.
14. Like #12, disappearing is major act of disrespect and you are passive aggressively managing down the other person’s expectations. Either commit to staying and riding out your feelings or the next time you disappear, stay gone.
15. Shutting down feelings is another major sign of emotional unavailability – if you can’t commit to feeling out your emotions, you sure as hell won’t commit to a relationship.
16. Own your decision to end a relationship and before you act on Dumper’s Remorse, ensure you have genuine reasons other than panic and ego for stepping back into that person’s life.
17. Long distance and online relationships are the perfect situations for pseudo commitment…especially when the distance doesn’t shrink. If you habitually get involved in these types of relationship, you really need to address your fears of genuine intimacy and commitment, and reduce your illusions.
18. Very simple – if you’re not ready for a relationship, why, oh why, oh why are you dating?
19. Seriously, nobody and I mean nobody is that busy and whatever obstacles you are blaming for your inability to commit, the real obstacle to you committing, is you. Strip away the excuses and what are you left with? The real reason you are resisting commitment.
20. Just as much as we have to commit to our emotions, decisions, and our relationships, we also have to be committed to taking care of ourselves – if we avoid it, we will run into the arms of danger. Being committed on all levels leads to authenticity in ourselves and our relationships. Read my post on being emotionally available.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
Add to favorites
Sigh … Hi Natalie! I’m your A-Lister of Commitment Resistance. I checked off almost every number on your list. Now that I’m facing the fact – the FACT. How in the world will I ever get over it? Why am I so afraid?
Excellent List!!!
I Think I check #6 and #9, but I am doing a lot better thanks to this blog and some other sites. One that was really influential was Terry Savelle and Dr. Henry Cloud. In Terry’s site I learned about breaking soul ties and how important it was and I commited myself to do this and break it off with my ex EUM and everytime I feel like calling him I think about soul ties and that I don’t need to be tied to him, so that had helped me to continue NC.
And at the end, it all comes down to being comitted to myself. I can read my journal from the 1.5 years I was with him and how much pain and anxiety I suffered, so I know that it is painful being alone, but being with him was worst.
I have a question about number 1. My ex-AC came on really strong in the beginning, and two days after our first date, he invited me over to dinner at his house, as he was going to be entertaining his parents and some family from out of town. I was anxious about it, but decided to go. At the time, meeting the parents seemed way too soon.
Was that a red flag for him or was that my commitment issues?
This is the importance of context – if you had been together for a while, it would be one thing but you’d barely known him a hot minute – there was nothing to commit to. I think the great majority of people would feel uncomfortable with that situation. Is it a red flag for him? Yes probably. A bit too intense. I should that again it’s about context – the fact that you refer to him as an AC makes it a red flag.
Thank you Natalie, that helps.
Yeah. Timely post. It’s been over a year now that I’ve been NC, and what I’m left with after most of the fallout has been processed, is me and my own unavailability – in many ways in my life. I didn’t answer yes to ALL of these questions, but to a good many of them. And some of them I seemed to ‘know by heart.’ We each have our own little ways of keeping people, and situations at bay and keeping safe. What I’m trying to focus on now is why? Why am I this way? And I think it is because I’m afraid. I’ve set up all of these trap doors to protect myself from rejection, loss and grief, trauma and yet I’ve created it again and again. And again, it is my inability, and my desire to not deal with loss and pain, as it is – which is a part of life, inherently and always. I don’t know yet how to stop being afraid. Maybe I won’t ever stop being afraid, maybe that’s not the point or even possible. But I’ve seen the fear now, and I can feel it, address it and work with it. (It IS sometimes worse than just going through the pain itself.) I see what I’m doing and I see what others are doing. And along with building unconditional self love, exploring what it is that I truly want out of life, and committing to it – and not always bending to the fear, I think I’m on the right path. Thank you NML for the valuable information, for making us think and question.
NML – I’ve been a long time lurker of your site and bought the book but this is my first post. Like annied I too recognise myself in almost all of the examples above! I have just about 10 mins ago found out that the man I have been building a relationship with for the last few months is EU and basically not interested in a relationship with me despite texting multiple times a day, every day (another sign!) – he even told me he was going on a date with another girl tonight and I was grateful he was honest?! But this means so am I EU – having decided to get involved with someone not only long distance, but also in the military – talk about EU behaviour from me! I have to say that all your advice in your posts I knew was true and this would never be a healthy relationship and I should have listened to you and my gut! In fact I kept saying to myself ‘what would NML do?’ and then ignored it!! But I only have myself to blame. It’s heartbreaking. Your site is such a lifeline, thank you NML
Oh Meg, I can so relate. After almost a year of living in a limbo with my “friend”, I finally applied NC. Like your situation, my EU would send me daily emails, text messages, make calls, spend hours chatting with me at work, and even act jealous when other guys would approach me while claiming he couldn’t be in a relationship with anyone because he was training to join an elite organization. This goal was his focus. Although we lived only 5 miles apart, he argued, if he spent time with me outside of work, I would “end up pregnant” because he wouldn’t know how to control himself around me. His words. Not mine. He faked a future with me — many, many times. Each time I tried to pull back, he would pursue me more aggressively. For example, if I didn’t reply to his email in a day, he’d get upset. He wanted my attention without having to give his. He shared a lot of intimate details about his past with me, but intentionally left out facts that certainly would have changed our dynamic. Then three weeks ago, whether it was to get a reaction from me or just to easily let me down, I indirectly found out that he went out on a date. While he owes me nothing, that incident brought me back to reality. All this time, he claimed I was his dream girl, yet, he preferred to spend his free time with some random girl he had just met. This was a much needed slap in the face. I was just an ego stroke. He is not innocent. However, I should’ve stepped back long time ago by trusting my instinct that our “friendship” was not normal, and I know for a fact I’ve stayed so long because I’m afraid of a real commitment. Same type of guy– just different package. I just couldn’t understand why I kept attracting the same type all the time. Reading this site religiously has really been painful but good for me. That day I applied NC. Changing the habit is and will be tough to implement; however, it can be done. Good luck to you!
Oh Happiness thanks for your reply! It so does help to know other people are in the same boat. You are so right saying it felt like a slap in the face – it hurts! Well done on applying NC! You sound really strong, I know how hard it is, having been just over 3 months NC with the previous EUM :(. Your situation has gone on much longer than mine so I can only imagine just how much it hurts. It is so difficult sometimes when they do more than the usual EUM behaviour but then everything seems to be an illusion or just wishful thinking. I guess this is what NML means when she says we must be actions and not words focused. Good luck to you too! You are right about this site being so painful yet so necessary – I try and read something everyday and it does help!
I see that I have been commitment phobic. A part of me longs to have close, committed friendships/relationships but my stomach knots and I feel panicky with the thought of it. I don’t want to get too close or the ones I want to get close to are unavailable. Then I chase and pine after them. If I get close, will they leave? Will I get hurt? That’s what goes through me. Feels vulnerable. Sometimes don’t feel like I can handle a healthy relationship. It hurts being left. Feel jealous when they do things without me or with others. I’ve pushed people away because I could not deal with my feelings of envy/jealousy. So, yes, I have commitment issues.
My focus needs to stay on myself and improving what is going on in my head and my behavior. A bit rough since my habit has been to get into these crazy situations with men. And then act crazy. It really seems that most people are unavailable so how do I find the ones that are???
I would say I have been guilty of this one once in the past.
“On more than one occasion I have had to tell someone I’ve been dating that I’m not ready for a relationship.”
But not for the same reason as you described and I really would not call it dating -it was more getting to know the person and discovering something about them that just didn’t click or feel right. I have used it as an “excuse” more or less to stop seeing them so spare their feelings more than anything else. I didn’t want to say – look you seem really possessive, I am honestly not attracted to you now that I have had a closer look and done a background search to discover you were arrested for beating up your first wife. Red Flag RUN!
Actually – reading over the list again – in the past I can say more of these apply to me. That I did act in some of those manners in the past but I don’t do that today. Thanks to this blog and several honest conversations with myself I no longer do these things anymore. I am not that woman anymore. Progress not perfection. Facing the fears is easier than running from them.
I love how you sign off your comments Movedup!
Thanx Nat but alot I attribute to you. I faced one today with my boss. A sensitive conversation that went fairly well. Rather than overthinking and analyzing, stressing and second guessing for days – basically putting myself through self-torture. I just went in and addressed it. Matter resolved without all the drama. I also take the advice of a dear friend – “decide to do it – then do it” and SUCK IT UP CUPCAKE! LOL Its gets easier the more you face the fears thou it is scary at first. Its a growth opportunity. Got my big girl panties on now!
Nat
Where were you 20 years ago when I really needed this? At school probably! Still, it’s never too late and even if I don’t have a relationship again it’s good to understand how/why it all happened. It’s not a weird mystery to me anymore. Kudos to you for presenting our part in it; it makes me feel so much stronger to know I have control over my own life. If I own my mistakes then I can STOP making them, instead of repeating the insanity!
#2 and #10 apply to me, but it’s more so because of my social anxiety overall; I do those two with EVERYONE. 😐 As of late, I try to force myself past my social anxiety so I can avoid those two. The rest of the quiz doesn’t apply to me, which is weird because I often go back & forth with myself about whether or not I’m ready for a relationship/commitment. 😐
Sigh. This can’t be life.
I think I am guilty of *all* of the above *sigh* I did have a breakthrough today though. I’ve finally faced that I need to work on me and forget about a man, no matter how long it takes, if ever. Thanks Nat and hugs to all of you out there struggling with letting go and learning to connect at the same time.
The more I have been trying to focus on me and my relationships the more flaky I reveal myself to be. It’s humiliating. But I have no idea how to suddenly feel comfortable with the idea of really being there in someone’s life, ie. showing up for more than just coffee dates or going out. I don’t know how to get to the place where you have friends that are all in the same circle and take care of each other’s kids and plan weekends etc. I guess I hate having to be somewhere on any other schedule but mine, for anyone except whoever I’m infatuated with at the moment.
I’m working on all of this.
Meanwhile, allie mentioned Henry Cloud. These guys have a couple books on dating (in a Christian context) to find ‘a relationship worth keeping’ and about boundaries in dating and they suggest strongly dating many people at once (not sleeping with them!) before committing because it is too risky and a waste of time, for those who are really looking, to invest heavily in someone you’ve only known for 2, 4, or 6 months.
Nat, I wonder what you think of their philosophy to date many people at once ‘for our own growth.’
Found this (still have not read everything in the archive):
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-dating-several-people-at-a-time-is-messy-a-sign-of-your-emotional-unavailability-commitment-resistance/
When I read the title of this post, my first thought was ‘Ha, I should print this out and send it anonymously to my ex-EUM!’ Then, as I was reading, I actually saw that I answered ‘yes’ to a few of the questions. I even saw some questions that I would have answered ‘yes’ to before I met the EUM around this time last year.
Truth be told, I knew I used to be a bit commitment resistant myself. At the sign of interest, I would panic and run in the other direction. Then when I met the ex-EUM I felt a change. I remember telling my friends shortly after meeting him that for the first time I felt the panic but I didn’t feel like running in the other direction. It was as if I had decided to put my trust in him, even without knowing what an EUM he actually was.
Now that I’ve gone through all the pain of the past year, it is surprising that what I learned from this experience has actually helped me become less commitment resistant. I guess having a prime example of someone who was really commitment phobic in front of me helped me realize that’s not who I wanted to be at all. I see that I am not fully clear yet, but I am working on it slowly but surely.
Thanks again for another great post! I learn a bit more about myself every single time.
Well, this leads to a problem for me. Being aware that maybe I do have a few commitment issues and being aware that my ex-man is an EUM, though neither him nor I are full spectrum of these things. I would say him & I are somewhere in-between.
So after two months of putting my foot down about not being friends with benefits, he comes around and asks me to give him more time (he is dealing with family issues) but we should still put off seeing each other for the time being.
I agreed to this but agreed silently with myself that I wasn’t “on hold” for him indefinitely (about a month time limit for me before I start moving on again) and that I wouldn’t go back to a ‘friends with benefits’ no matter what.
Things are different this time. My boundaries are up, I’ve communicated my boundaries with him by showing instead of telling, I stopped settling for less. So he comes back after two months of receiving no more benefits and asks for more time.
Meanwhile, he didn’t pressure me for the benefits he used to get during the time he asked me to wait a little for him.
Is this one of those “wait and see” situations? Something tells me to give him the benefit of the doubt but keep my eyes open and my foot down at the same time. Or am I being an idiot again?
I think my best plan is to stay focused on my life and forget about his issues and problems. I’m not ready to date others yet anyway (I still have my own issues to iron out) so it’s not like his opportunity will be gone if he actually came around like he just basically promised to me.
I would like to trust that I’m not being strung along again but history has its evidence. I think I just answered myself. 😀 Yeah, I shouldn’t hold my breathe really. I should just let him deal with his problems / issues and let life unfold like it is supposed to. We women worry too much sometimes.
Cindy
A month? Tell him to push off now. With the safety net of hoping/thinking/imagining that he will be back, you will not really feel it’s a break up. Even if you’re able to make necessary changes you’ve left the door open for him to come waltzing back in and screw it up again. Better to feel the full pain of the break up and fly solo than this not-a-breakup-but-not-together-either.
What’s going to happen in this month that will be so significant? Everyone has family issues.
The cynical part of me thinks he can’t deal with your expectations so he’s just run off. He’ll be back when he thinks you’ve learned that he only does what he wants.
As for saying that “women worry too much” and “let things unfold” I have to warn you about that. I was the “perfect” girlfriend in that I would let things unfold, had few expectations, was laidback, didn’t worry. And what did that get me? Nothing but crapola.
You should worry/be concerned. If you’re not going to take care of your business who will? I’m not saying you should throw a hissy fit about Valentine’s Day and stuff like that but are you in a relationship with this man? Work towards a “yes” or “no” cos this to-ing and fro-ing can go on for a very long time. The key to commitment is committing to being in the relationship or out of the relationship. You’re still in limbo. It doesn’t take two months (and counting) to put your foot down, it takes … seconds.
I only say all this because I’ve been there myself and it really screwed me up.
Cindy,
Why are you waiting around for this guy to make up his mind? If a man is interested, he doesn’t put someone on hold, no matter what the situation.
This man has shown you repeatedly he is not capable of a relationship. Please don’t wait around for people to decide if they want to be with you!
Cindy,
You sound like you are becoming more aware of both your issues in this relationship. It takes courage to admit our part in things and not just blame it all on them.
However, don’t become trapped in compassion, just because you can relate to what it is like to have issues. You admit you have issues, and yet you are willing to be in a relationship with him. He has stuff to work out, and wants to exclude you from his life (or at least a proper relationship) until he does so. What does that tell you?
What happens the next time he has family stuff going on? If you are in a proper relationship, you support each other during this time. You don’t just take a time-out, then get back to the business of seeing each other. That’s not a real relationship.
You also said you were not ready to date others yet, so it wouldn’t hurt to wait on him anyway. To me, this sounds like justification for waiting. After all, if you are not ready to date others, what makes you ready to date him?
Well, the family issues he has going on is because he might move back to be near them (his plans for awhile) but now he says he might be staying and asked me to give him some time.
And the move would be so far away that a long distance relationship is out of the question. I know I put myself back in limbo – which is where I don’t want to be. But I can’t go creating drama just to get out of saying that I would wait for him. Not really knowing what to do at this point.
It’s simple: he’s playing games. Unless this is what you want to do (and if you do it’s your decision and yours alone, no matter what anyone on here or in real life says), leave this man alone. No contact whatsoever unless he gets his shit together (which likely won’t happen any time soon, if at all), and even then it’s best to tread softly & carefully.
Cindy,
End the limbo! Cut contact with Mr. Indecisive and take your life back!
If someone has to decide if they want you in their life, it will never work. Work on getting your self-esteem back, this won’t happen until you cut the fool completely!
I forgot to ask, why does he need time from you? I don’t understand what could be so important that he could not incorporate you into his life?
I have been down this road with the ex, one excuse after another. He claimed he could not have a relationship again because he was out of work-mind you he had a very generous severance package-I had had enough of his excuses and being strung along, and decided to end it. Well, guess what, i found out he found a position several months later, do you think I got a phone call asking me back into his life, hell no! The moral of this story is, is that if you ALLOW people to string you along they will. I say, opt out!
It sounds like he’s given you his answer. He’s not ready for a relationship right now. Never mind if he will be ready in a month or even a day.
What he is asking of you is selfish, and does not take your needs into consideration at all. He wants a safety net for himself with absolutely no safety net for you. That’s a sweet deal for him. Is this really someone who is worth waiting for?
And I have to ask, why do you consider it creating drama to simply tell him you don’t want to wait?
“And I have to ask, why do you consider it creating drama to simply tell him you don’t want to wait?”
His close family member who is living far, far away is going into the hospital and I feel selfish for creating friction.
Cindy,
It’s OK to be selfish and put your own needs first. If HE’s looking out for him, and YOU are looking out for him, you’ve got two people looking out for him and nobody looking out for YOU. It is OK to put yourself first. Making a decision in your own best interest may not be the ‘nice’ thing to do, and believe me I know how deeply women especially are conditioned to be ‘nice’…however, it IS an act of love and kindness toward yourself.
Cindy, I understand your reluctance but fact is there’s never a right time. If it wasn’t this, it’d be something else. To be honest, you saying you’re not waiting leaves him free to focus on his family member. There’s no friction in honesty – only in our fear of honesty and creating conflict out of fear of not being The Good Girl/Guy. It’s not selfish at all. It’s doing the decent thing and being honest and upfront – something that your relationship needs.
I have a “strange” feeling that this guy is lying. 😐
I had a long history with this 1 man, knew him since high school. We were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend and we never had sex, but we had a LONG on & off history. I (finally) cut him off for good in 2008 after he lied and said that he didn’t have a girlfriend (just like all the other times in the past). Fast forward to 2010, and this dumb ass who used to be my friend (finally cut her idiotic ass off a couple months ago) calls me frantically; I was at work. She left me a message stating that Assclown’s father had a heart attack. I didn’t return her phone call yet I was conflicted, but ultimately decided not to call Assclown back. And guess what? A few months later, I found out through the grapevine that Assclown’s father NEVER had a heart attack. Thank goodness I didn’t bother calling.
Pardon my rambling, but I wrote all that to say….. It wouldn’t surprise me if that man was lying. He sounds like he’s full of shit. In the end, like I said before, it’s your decision to make and you have to live with the decision; however, I’d suggest that you leave this assclown to his own devices. 😐
Go ahead and be selfish.
PH2072–
You just helped shed light to and confirm for me that an ex friend of mine was being just as diabolical with certain actions of hers.
See, your pal and mine were both EX friends when they CHOSE to act in certain sketchy ways. My friend didn’t all-out, full-out LIE, but she was verrry roundabout in trying to get me to run into the ex-AC we knew (well, she still knows him) in common.
Like the AC, pur “pals” are pissed that we cut them off, so they want to put egg on our face, too!
…and they want US to do the egging
on ourselves
with their lies and diabolical, underhanded, not-telling-the-whole-story behavior.
They want US to do what guys call a “boner”. (Look it up. It’s not as crude as it sounds.)
Thank you, everyone. I don’t know what to say other than I have a lot of think about and thank you for your time and caring.
Brilliant post yet again, asking us not just to look outside of ourselves at the behaviour of others but to focus on the one constant in all of our relationships: ourselves!!!
http://www.harrietbond.com
Well… ho hum… perhaps I really still do have some lingering commitment issues myself.
When we can learn how to control our emotions… rather than contacting an ex when we are upset, get a good movie out and cry, call a friend instead, call out to God for help, go to bed and sob, or write down how you are feeling.
When we recognise that our ‘going back to the ex’ or ‘letting them back in’, is really aiding our obsession with them, we can choose to really move on. Addictions are not only to alcohol or drugs, they can also be to people and even reasoning in our minds, leading to confusion.
I just posted on my FB page – encouraging people who are happily in relationships to be bold and assist those of us who are single and would prefer to be sharing our love with someone special. This could be inviting some single friends over together with the couples, so that the environment is created to widen social circles. Even to ask single friends if they want to be ‘set up’ on a date, with someone they think might be suitable.
Especially with Valentine’s Day coming up, let’s (as singles or one of a couple) share the love and open the doors to the possibility of love, new friendship and fun!
“I agreed to this but agreed silently with myself that I wasn’t “on hold” for him indefinitely (about a month time limit for me before I start moving on again) and that I wouldn’t go back to a ‘friends with benefits’ no matter what.”
This passage struck me as indicative of the lack of communication between you. Why not say out loud, okay, but I’m not on hold indefinitely for you so you’ve got a month to decide? Why did the part where you make a decision based on caring for yourself need to be hidden?
It is a long road, I’m finding, to becoming the kind of person who will, if she chooses to speak, say what she really thinks; and to be the kind of person who knows when speaking is the most effective choice. One of the longest curves in the road is realizing that yes, saying what’s on one’s mind has consequences and so if I want to be free to say what’s on my mind I better hang out with people who don’t have me needing to keep my mouth shut.
It’s the values thing Nat keeps talking about. Choosing to relate to people with similar values and shared goals means all those conversations where me saying what I really think leads to conflict … just don’t happen anywhere near as often.
You can change your mind on the waiting thing easily and communicate it promptly and without drama, if you choose. Good luck!
Never before did I make a connection between my total incapability to commit to social gatherings to an incapacity to commit in relationship. But now I see it…. I have trouble committing to anything, from choosing food of a menu to even work projects and where to live.
How on earth was I thinking I would be fine when it comes to a relationship. LOL
When we can learn to commit, others commit to us.
For example, it could be committing to a new job (or to do a much improved job at your current one), to a new hobby, repairing a relationship or committing to following God.
If you are having trouble with someone committing to you, look around in your own life, is there an area (or a few) where you are not committing?
I have seen this so many times before, when someone has committed then commitment has come. The wonderful thing with life is though, the commitment may not come in the form we had expected.
Now I really do feel like ‘Forrest Gump’ – “Life is really like a box of chocolates – you never know what you are going to get.”
Hey…I passed this one. I’m not a commitment-phobe.
That’s not really surprising given that I’m currently living with my girlfriend, but I actually took this test to see if it would yield the wrong result in my case.
Yes, I’m that much of a contrarian!
This test holds up because it focuses on behaviour rather than abstract attitudes or postures.
Good Job.
It stands to reason that if you are mixing with these type of people some of it must be reflecting back at you. I know I am commitment phobic and I know it is massively hard work to change. But I am changing unfortunately though I still atract the same type of person but I can see it before I even think about getting involved.
On Saturday a guy called round to my house and proceeded to ask me on a date all the while he is telling me he is moving his stuff and not a whole lot of stuff out his girlfriend’s house. I WILL NOT be dating this man…
Oh, my word, I knew I had commitment issues but was surprised that I answered yes to 12 out of 20! It is so much easier to blame the assclown for being an emotionally unavailable commitmentphobe. I need to take a hard look in the mirror and work on me. I am 40 years old and don’t want to spend the rest of my life afraid of a healthy relationship. Great article.
Hi, my name is Jenny and I am emotionally unavailable. Dear God.
And the thing is, I kinda like it. After years of shitty relationships and being on the hurting end of terrible break-ups, I LIKE feeling like I’m fairly untouchable.
But I’m dating a great guy who embodies everything healthy and good and decent. I don’t date other people and I’m honest about what I can’t offer. The question I wrestle with is, am I being unfair to him? He deserves better than what I can give right now, but I WANT to be able to give him what he needs. I WANT to fall head over heels in love with him. I keep thinking that my old relationship habits are just dying hard, that something feels “missing” because he’s not a total assclown, that as I get “healthier”, my feelings for him will grow. I’m not dating him because I just want to be with someone or because I’m waiting for something better…..there is no better. I’m dating him because I see in him everything that I think is good about humanity. But sexually, something is way off. And I think it may be that, in the past, I have equated awesome sex and the “chemistry” with an awesome relationship, and that just wasn’t the case. Sex was all it was in the end, and now I’m on the reverse spectrum. Did any of that make sense? Help!
Jenny, you and I go *way* back so you know I’m going to tell you the truth – I’m sure he’s a nice guy and I admire his patience, but the truth is that if this goes on for an extended period of time, I would have to seriously question how genuinely available he is himself. Just because he’s nice and a whole host of attractive qualities, doesn’t mean ipso facto you’re destined to be together. It’s also not about saying ‘Ooh, I’m off assclowns and unavailable men. Let me *align* myself to someone halfway decent and let the rest take care of itself’. It’s not enough to *want* to fall for him and *want* to do stuff, you’ve actually got to *do* it. If you haven’t so far, it’s because you’re not allowing yourself to or you don’t want to, and by definition, you may want to but you don’t want to that badly that you’ll actually step outside of your usual mode and do it.
With regards to the sex, if you’re not *in* this and you don’t have the same hooks of old that were present in your old relationships, that combined with a lack of intimacy and not actually being into him and any physical aspect that is ‘off’ equals not so good. If I wasn’t into someone and spent the entire time analysing stuff and wondering why I couldn’t fall for him, I wouldn’t enjoy sex either.
I feel for you, but in some respects I feel sorry for him. You both deserve better than this. Neither of you are bad people – quite the contrary, no doubt you’re both great people, but you’re not great with each other now. Truth be told Jenny, you’re trying to take a shortcut with this guy. If you’d done the emotional work, made great strides into sorting out your baggage, beliefs, and relationship habits BEFORE you took up with this guy, this would be a very different situation. You’d either be enjoying your relationship or you’d have realised that, yes he’s a great guy but he’s not the one for you. Instead, you’re back to flogging a dead horse in a different relationship.
I remember you saying before about the importance of someone representing all that’s good about humanity – I don’t doubt that he does, but he’s not the only person in the universe to. You’re back to making one person the sole source of your happiness and pinning it all on one guy. Before you were with someone who represented the shadier side of humanity, you wouldn’t leave him either. You have absolutely no grounds for saying that there is no better – you are limiting yourself. Instead of doing it with Mr Unavailable this time you’re doing it with Mr Humanity.
Stop avoiding doing the work. Insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. You may have made some changes but you’re certainly haven’t done enough to have addressed the beliefs that you take into your relationships. It is not the job of someone else to come along and fix all of your problems for you. It’s also not the job of someone else to be your emotional airbag or guinea pig.
I say all of this to you Jenny because as always I want more for you than you do for yourself. You’re a fantastic person and yet you sell yourself short. Wanting and actually being, doing, and stretching yourself is a very different thing.
Sweet Beejeezus, Nat……..truer words were never spoken.
In some ways, I HAVE made emotional progress. I have come a long way in accepting who I am and even appreciating it. But I still wrestle with the demons of wondering if other people like who I am. I have come to terms with the fact that my life, with the traveling and jacked-up schedule, is different from most people I know or even just in my location period. Where I live, you are freak if you aren’t married (at least once) with 2.2 kids by my age. That used to be a tremendous stressor for me……why was I such a freak? Why didn’t my life turn out like everyone else’s? I’ve gotten alot better at realizing my life is different because I am different. What everyone else wants isn’t necessarily what I want, and that’s okay. So, I don’t feel like a freak anymore, I no longer feel like the biggest eyes of pity are always upon me, and if they are, I don’t worry about it. I like alot about my life now. But again, there are still demons that I haven’t addressed, obviously.
I know I like how I feel when I’m with this guy. I know I like that lack of drama, how his words always match his actions, and how he’s fine with me being me. I don’t want to be unfair to him or use him as an option. I have genuine feelings for him, they just lacking in certain ways that I think are probably important. I don’t want to walk from a good thing because of my own inexperience with a healthy person, but I don’t want to hang on for the wrong reasons, either.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Nat. As always, you tell it like it is in such a way that it’s impossible to keep burying your head in the sand.
Ok, so now I wanted to take this quiz on myself as well. 😀 The result was not as bad as I expected. I have been guilty of no.3, no. 9 (only in my last so-called relationship) and no. 11 (with 2 people). But I have another question… It happened for me many times to meet someone I wasn’t very much into (various reasons). I believe a few weeks, for example, are enough for a person to figure out their own feelings and interest. In this period, if I wasn’t sure about them, I also did my best not to lead them on. If after a few weeks of knowing them, the interest still wasn’t there, i bailed out. However, many people (my mother + various friends) accused me of being afraid of committment. On one hand, nobody has the obligation to fancy everyone, and at least I was honest to myself and the other person. But, on the other hand, how can you tell if you’re GENUINELY not interested, and not just MAKING EXCUSES not to be interested?
Here https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/30-signs-that-someone-isnt-interested-or-is-half-heartedly-interested-in-you-how-to-avoid-being-a-passing-time-candidate/
Yeah, I’d seen that one before, but that’s more about reading the signs of the other persons’s lack of interest or half-hearted interest. I was refering more to analysing ourselves, and OUR lack of interest, whether it is genuine or if it has solid grounds.
For example, a few years ago there was this guy, who was a friend’s brother, and who fancied me. He was good-looking, dynamic, had a good job (a cop, that is 🙂 ), but at times I felt like he was coming on too strong. On our first one-to-one date, he did a lot of…sex talk (asking questions and sharing his own experiences), and I was quite uncomfortable with that. I was 22 and he was 28. He was thinking he was being open-minded and unihibited, but still, I found it unappropriate… Knowing him and his family very well, I know he wasn’t a bad person, but he didn’t realize that certain topics were not for a first date. I labelled him “desperate”, “intrusive”, “sex maniac” , etc. So, I started pulling away. Then, many people said to me: “Ah, you’re just afraid of a relationship, and this is why you don’t want him!” Once he asked me out again and I was too tired, then the contact gradually faded. We were still speaking to each other on special occasions (birthdays, Christmas, etc.), and soon (in about a year or a year and a half), I found out he was preparing to get married, and now I know he has a 2 year-old boy. However, I didn’t feel jealous. Sometimes, I joke about it saying that “If I had got involved with him, I would’ve been married by now!”, but I can’t say I had any negative feelings whatsoever, such as regrets, jealousy, or even nostalgia for the times when he was around.
So, I’m talking about situations like this one. How do you know if you “dump” someone for the right reasons, or because you have committment issues. What signs should you look for *in your own behaviour*?
Any thoughts?
sandra
you know because YOU know. other people know squat! it’s your life.
yes, his behaviour was creepy. you opted out. well done.
Sandra, the same reasons that men are not interested are the same reasons that women aren’t. If you have been involved with emotionally unavailable men, you are emotionally unavailable yourself which means that you have commitment issues.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/quiz-test-your-beliefs-about-feeling-and-receiving-interest-from-others/
If you broke up with someone because you were uncomfortable with their behaviour such as being desperate, intrusive, and a sex maniac, you broke up with them because you were uncomfortable. How he looks or what job he did are completely irrelevant – he made you uncomfortable. That’s it. Job done. Game over. Move on.
If you broke up with someone because they were a decent person with code red or amber behaviour that didn’t cater to your unhealthy pattern of your relationships, it’s because you have commitment issues.
Read all the posts on emotional unavailability including:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/so-what-is-commitment-phobia/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/a-tale-of-two-commitment-resistant-birds-are-you-hiding-your-commitment-fears-behind-someone-elses-more-obvious-commitment-issues/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/signs-that-youre-not-into-him/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-attract-emotionally-unavailable-men/
Study completed! 😀 In conclusion, it looks like I’m not essentially committment phobic after all, although I might have manifested SOME wrong behaviours, like, for example, trying to fix EUMs or engaging in on & off relationships, just to go back to the same issues we broke up about. So maybe I’m on my way to recovery! I will pop by from time to time as I get ahead in my “wisening up” process! 😉
Sandra, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but being involved with Mr Unavailables, nevermind trying to fix them is a fundamental sign of commitment issues – it’s called committing to people who can’t commit which is not committing. I had someone tell me at a workshop that they were involved with a ‘bit of an alcoholic’. I’ve had others tell me they’re a ‘bit unavailable’. I’m not saying you’re not on your way to recovery but you seem to be going around the houses about it. If you have habitually been involved with emotionally unavailable people, you are emotionally unavailable yourself and as a result you are automatically commitment resistant/commitment-phobic.
A tale of two committment resistant birds is so perfect. I’m just amazed at how committent resistant and emotionally unavailable I have been. No wonder I have attracted a string of married men who could never commit. “If you have habitually been involved with emotionally unavailable people, you are emotionally unavailable yourself and as a result you are automatically commitment resistant/commitment-phobic.” I know you are responding to Sandra81 but you are spot on with regards to me. Even though I’m still tempted to break NC, because I miss him, love him, blah blah…I’m becoming grateful for the time to address my own issues which are, apparently, numerous. I have broken wings. Natalie, where did you come from?
I so want to break NC. He, although married, seems to be carrying on and wooing another poor unsuspecting woman. He is out with her tonight, like we used to be, while his wife is doing who knows what. I am heartbroken and sitting here crying. I feel so sorry for his wife and his new other woman. Married men who pursue other women need to be flogged and flushed. I feel most sorry for me because I did not push the flush button when this married man started chatting me up. Married men who pursue other women are the absolute worst.
runner
while i feel sympathy for his new OW, i don’t see her as “poor or unsuspecting”. unless she doesn’t know he’s married in which case she could have asked and done some due diligence. she’s hooked herself to a MM and will have to deal with the consequences.
and i know it’s easy to say but don’t go looking into what he’s doing, you don’t need to know. truth be told, nothing he does will make you happy. suppose he has a baby with his wife? or he dumps his wife for the OW? or his wife leaves him and he takes up with someone else six months later? or he dumps the other woman for his wife?
will any of this make you happy?
no breaking NC!
“Habitually” may not be the word… There have been 2 people (present one + someone else about 7 years ago, when I was 21), none of them married or attached, but they turned out to be big-time players. My story with each of these people lasted for less then a year. So, in the end, we have to realise as soon as possible when something is wrong and call it quits.
nat
this is very true. we equate emotional unavailability and commitment phobia with being a bad person so we are reluctant to accept it applies to us despite all evidence to the contrary. and even though i had low self esteem, at some level i thought i was better than the men i was with so it couldn’t possibly be me! okay, in some cases i genuinely was better than them but mostly we were both doing the same crapola.
for me, emotional unavailability and commitment phobia were big concepts to grasp. something that was easier for me to understand at the start of my journey was my own indecision and lack of focus.
sandra, in your case above you decided this guy was a creep, but then doubted yourself because of your friends, but even though you decided he was a creep you continued to engage with him and were even friendly with him. when you dump someone and take them back, that ‘s indecisive. you’re just following the line of least resistance. when you try to fix someone you’re not following through with your judgement that they’re not suitable.
your thoughts, feelings and actions don’t line up. and that’s the same with EUMs – they’re confusing because it doesn’t add up.
but neither do we!
It’s glaringly simply to me now but it took me forever to grasp this simple truth:
If I genuinely wanted a committed, healthy relationship I would be in one. Or at the very least looking for someone who is decent, honourable, reliable, kind, consistent. Not burning up months/years with men I already know are not right!
Thanks Grace. I didn’t break NC. I called a girlfriend and talked with her. And I taped my twitchy texty fingers to my side and sat on them until the feeling to scream at him passed. My girlfriend is 100% supportive of NC and I promised I’d call her if I got the blues. I knew if made contact it wouldn’t change things and I knew I’d regret it. You are right, nothing he does will make me happy. I’m back to working on making me happy, focusing on me, and back on the NC wagon. You are all a lifesaver.
I have a problem based on this post: Every time I flush the toilet I think about him!
Well done, Runnergirl! I’ve never been in your situation, but you are definitely better of without him. 😉 And that thing about flushing the toilet… now I have it too, but that’s a different way of “thinking about him”, and that’s not filled with nostalgia and regrets. It makes us identify our EUM/ACs with our…liquid and solid purposes! 😀
Runner,
Tough love time!
Are you thinking of the two years of misery??? What exactly is it that you miss about being involved with a MM? Also, why didn’t you delete and block as you said you would last week?
Wasn’t it you that said his wife was gay?
This is coming from a good place, and all I want is for you to see that you are wasting time and energy on this fool. When you really start to deal with you, you will be able to move on from this unhealthy situation.
Hey Allison,
He is deleted and blocked. The new info comes from gossip mongering common friends. You are right, the misery of being the other woman far outweighed any “good times”. I kind of forget sometimes and waste my time and energy on the fool. You are right, I’ve got to stay focused on me and move on. Thank you for the tough love. I wish you were here to smack me too when I forget. Thank you. I’m back on track.
Who knows about his poor wife.
Grace, you have said it well: I was doubting myself because of my friends! But “taking him back” was not an issue: since that “sex-talking date”, I never went out with him again, therefore I never got involved with him. To put it this way, we didn’t even kiss. And speaking with someone on the phone a couple of times a year is hardly a close friendship! And now, the last time I spoke to him was roughly 3-4 years ago. But, speaking of doubting oneself, and thinking that being so young, I found it harder to trust my own judgement, there’s another question running around in my mind…
How much do you think commitment phobia should be associated with age? I was thinking of my own age group: people in their 20s. Guys may still want to play the field, girls may not yet know what’s good for them and what isn’t, etc. Do you think that, by growing up, people might change, or at least some people? Experience teaches you a lot of things…
Anyway, Grace, your conclusion is 100% spot on! Although it’s not easy to find someone who’s both single and suitable, at least we must stay away from those who hurt us! 😉
hi sandra
one of the guys at work is 22. i was teasing two of my female colleagues about which one of them would get married first. they protested that they didn’t want to get married. i turn round to the guy who was listening and said “but YOU want to get married don’t you?” and he said “yeh, i do. it’s something i’m looking forward to”. he talks about his girlfriend with the utmost respect.
in my previous employment i was looking at the 21 year old trainee’s pic of his girlfriend and said “Aw, are you devoted to each other?” and he said yes, quite happily. my friend married her husband when he was in his 20s. she was his second girlfriend. they’ve been happily married for 10+ years.
on the other hand i’ve met men in their 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond who mess women around, cheat, have affairs.
age has nothing to do with it (even though I keep thinking I’ve lost my chance at 46 – i need to walk the talk!)
Hey Sandra, I agree with Grace and would like to add that you are so fortunate to have found this website. Experience does teach you a lot of things, IF you learn from the experiences. Sometimes it could take a long time and many similar experiences.
Grace, my gracious, you have not lost your chance at 46. You are just getting started! Once I started thinking about my part in talking as though I wanted a long-term, committed relationship even though I was not walking that way, I have hope for the future and I’m 51! All that time I spent on accusing him of not walking the talk, I never once realized I wasn’t either. Let’s walk the talk no mater what age.
Yes, I’m glad I found this site it indeed, and I’m glad that Natalie is sharing what she learnt from past experiences. Everyone has his/her bad experiences in life, but consulting this site is a bit like listening to some sort of “voice of reason”. It’s teaching us how to be firm regarding what should and what should not be tollerated, how to avoid being fooled and how to stay grounded when our emotions seem to take over. 😉