love yo

This week’s quiz is all about whether you’re a commitment dodger. When you resist being absolute in promising yourself to something or someone and/or keep yourself out of situations where you would have to be vulnerable and committed, it shows that you have commitment issues. Which of the following statements do you agree with:

1. I experience anxiety around occasions like birthdays, Valentine’s, Christmas, meeting people etc because of what someone who I’m involved with might think that it means.

2. I make arrangements and then worry about whether I can back out of them or start coming up with possible excuses for why I won’t make it and even checking cancellation policies.

3. I’m always dating, rarely in a relationship. I just haven’t met the right person yet. Things just don’t work out!

4. I find it difficult to make and stick to a decision.

5. I often date several people at a time.

6. I’ve tended to be interested or involved with people who are emotionally unavailable.

7. I’ve not wanted an ex but have felt panicked about them moving on.

8. When I end a relationship, I don’t like the door to be closed in case I change my mind.

9. I’ve done No Contact with someone and then broken it because I couldn’t bear the idea of not speaking to them again or me not being around to reap the benefit if they decided to change.

10. I often spend hours or even days flip flapping back and forth about whether I will attend a social gathering.

11. I’ve gone back to the same relationship many times.

12. I have stood up friends or romantic partners on occasion.

13. I’ve been involved with someone who was attached or had other obstacles that prevented them being fully available and then when they left their partner (or said they would), or the obstacles were removed, I got panicky/lost interest.

14. I have disappeared on a partner when it’s felt ‘too much’.

15. When I experience any feelings that make me uncomfortable, I shut them down/block them out.

16. I‘ve ended a relationship for what felt like very valid reasons and then panicked about whether it was right or them moving on, and made contact with them/tried to get back together only for me to then realise that my original reasons still stood.

17. I tend to get involved with people who live very far away or online relationships.

18. On more than one occasion I have had to tell someone I’ve been dating that I’m not ready for a relationship.

19. I don’t have time for a relationship because I have The Busiest Job In The World [or whatever obstacle you blame it on].

20. I’ve experienced a painful breakup and started to get my life back together and then felt panicked about focusing on me so sought out my ex.

Each one of the above statements are a sign of commitment issues. Read on for more insight to the above statements…

1. It’s time to ask yourself about the sincerity of your involvement if you’re afraid of having meaning. What are you afraid of? Your relationship cannot progress without commitment and you will kill it, if you keep trying to stop it from having ‘meaning’.

2. Making arrangements and sticking with them is one of life’s basic ways of teaching you to be accountable, respectful, and committed. The fact that on making an arrangement that you have agreed to that you quickly start seeking ways to get out of it or undermine it, is a sign of passive aggression. Following through on what you say you’ll do will filter through to your interactions. Don’t say yes unless you are 100% intent on doing it and only back out in an emergency.

3. Having short-lived interactions are a sure sign of commitment issues. If this is you, you need to evaluate who you’re involved with and/or why you bail. If you get nervous about things lasting, you will find reasons for it not to get far enough to even try.

4. Making a decision requires commitment instead of backtracking and flip flapping back and forth. When you do this, it will force you to not only be accountable but to get out of being ‘stuck’ in inertia plus you will stop messing people around. In relationships in particular, it is not always easy to have a 100% outcome for a decision. Often you have a hell of a lot of the answers but not all of them, but the hell of a lot you have are more than enough to make a decision on…if you’ll just commit to it and stop hedging your bets. Get over your fear of being wrong.

5. Multiple dating is spreading yourself thin and keeping your options open. Read my post on why multiple dating is a sign of commitment resistance.

6. The major sign of obvious or on the lowdown fear of commitment is involvement with emotionally unavailable people. Committing to someone who can’t commit is not the same as committing. Often, in these circumstances, it’s because there is no real commitment in the offing that would require us to be emotionally available and vulnerable, that makes the relationship attractive.

7. Again, by trying to ‘own’ an ex like a piece of property, you’re failing to follow through on your decision. This fear is about not having access to them or them becoming a better person in a better relationship…with someone else.

8. Trying to keep the door open on your relationship in case you change your mind is very disrespectful to the other party....just ask the thousands of readers who have had their lives messed with and have had to do No Contact. This is why there are so many casual relationships and half-assed breakups – because people like you want to keep one foot in the door…just in case. People aren’t here to serve your purpose!

9. The key with the success of No Contact is being committed to your decision. You may waver, wobble, or even fall off the wagon, but if you’re NC for the right reasons, you’ll recognise that you don’t need to hear from them again if you’re genuinely going to move on with your life.

10. Seriously, you’ll clear a lot of brain clutter if you just say YES…or NO. There is nothing to agonise over. You are thinking and talking too much. You know your diary, you know if you’re available or not. Or maybe you’re staying on the fence for a better offer…

11. Going back to the same relationship many times shows a total lack of commitment – you’re never serious in your decision to go back…or leave. It’s like a game. If you have to go back so many times, it shows that your relationship is not viable.

12. Standing up someone is flaky and disrespectful. Period. Your time is not more valuable than others.

13. When the obstacles to commitment get removed and you no longer want it, it shows you are not sincere in your desire to commit and the attraction is their unavailability.

14. Like #12, disappearing is major act of disrespect and you are passive aggressively managing down the other person’s expectations. Either commit to staying and riding out your feelings or the next time you disappear, stay gone.

15. Shutting down feelings is another major sign of emotional unavailability – if you can’t commit to feeling out your emotions, you sure as hell won’t commit to a relationship.

16. Own your decision to end a relationship and before you act on Dumper’s Remorse, ensure you have genuine reasons other than panic and ego for stepping back into that person’s life.

17. Long distance and online relationships are the perfect situations for pseudo commitment…especially when the distance doesn’t shrink. If you habitually get involved in these types of relationship, you really need to address your fears of genuine intimacy and commitment, and reduce your illusions.

18. Very simple – if you’re not ready for a relationship, why, oh why, oh why are you dating?

19. Seriously, nobody and I mean nobody is that busy and whatever obstacles you are blaming for your inability to commit, the real obstacle to you committing, is you. Strip away the excuses and what are you left with? The real reason you are resisting commitment.

20. Just as much as we have to commit to our emotions, decisions, and our relationships, we also have to be committed to taking care of ourselves – if we avoid it, we will run into the arms of danger. Being committed on all levels leads to authenticity in ourselves and our relationships. Read my post on being emotionally available.

Your thoughts?

Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.

Image via SXC

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