If you’ve ever said “I don’t know what was real and what was fake”, “But it’s hard to let go of the fantasy” , “It feels like I was in love with an illusion” or “I’m finding it really hard to move on and accept what has happened”, you’ve got reconciliation issues. When you’re faced with making fantasy and reality consistent with one another so that you can accept the truth of what has happened, what you feel, do, or are being, you opt for the illusions which basically suspends you in No Man’s Land while opening you up to problems in the real world.
An illusion is a false idea or belief, or a deceptive appearance or impression.
A fantasy is an idea with no basis in reality and is basically your imagination unrestricted by reality.
Reality is the state of things as they exist. It’s what you see, hear, and experience.
So let’s imagine a few scenarios.
Scenario #1: You break up with someone because for whatever reason the relationship wasn’t working. Maybe it wasn’t progressing (see my post on landmarks of healthy relationships), or there was code amber and red behaviour but whatever it was, you’re not together. However, you keep remembering the ‘good times’ and the fact that you both like running in the mountains, eating jellied eels, sleeping in the bed at a 17 degree angle, and you have amazing sex. Time goes by and even though you were bloody miserable in the relationship due to the aspects that weren’t working, you keep focusing on those ‘good times’ and particularly on the beginning and wonder why they can’t go back to being that person. They get in touch, you think you’re getting back together, you have a whirlwind night/week/even a month and then you’re back to square one. You’re hurting and struggle to get over them. They get in touch again or you reach out. You think you’re getting back together, they haven’t changed and lather, rinse, repeat.
When you keep going back to a relationship that broke for a reason and where the person didn’t live up to the reality of all the wonderful things you thought they were, you let your focus on the ‘good points’, your feelings etc run unencumbered by reality. If you restricted yourself to reality or at least balanced the fantasy with very real prior experiences and knowledge of boundaries and why some relationships don’t work, there’s no way in hell you’d keep putting your hand back in the fire.
Scenario #2: You meet someone who’s attached. Maybe you know immediately or maybe they keep it under their hat until their feet are wedged firmly under your love table. You imagine that you’re destined for great things because you know, obviously they must be taking this massive risk and the connection and sexual frisson is so immense and they’ve said all of this stuff that makes it sound like you have a future together. Then the excuses start rolling in and they’re not behaving like the person you thought they were or rustling up that future they promised you. Things come to a head and they may even do that manipulative BS where they claim they were leaving but because you haven’t been ‘patient’, they won’t. You end things because you know it’s not good for you but every time they get in touch, you accept and are wondering if they’ve left yet and are going to become the person you thought they were.
When it becomes apparent that things are not what they seemed and yet you keep entertaining them it’s because you’re hoping that you can avoid admitting that you made a mistake in the first place by having them come blazing in on their white horse offering you the fairy tale. Instead of tempering the fantasy with reality – they’re married, talking out of their arse, and have done things that have left you feeling pretty damn crappy – you let the fantasy just keep running and running!
Scenario #3: You meet someone and they start talking up the future, Fast Forwarding you by introducing you to various people, pushing for commitment and so-called sexual and emotional intimacy, and basically taking you on a whirlwind romance. You’re having such a good time, you don’t want to pay too much attention to some things that are making you uncomfortable or even worried. Whether it’s weeks, months, or even a year, eventually the needle is ripped from the record and you land in reality with a cold, hard bump. The pain is immense and you can’t work out if it was all lies, half lies, 20% or whatever. You feel duped but at the same time you remember just how good it felt at times and you don’t want to invalidate that either. So you struggle to accept the truth, which isn’t that your relationship was all lies (it wasn’t unless it was a complete con or you actually know it was all lies because you were in denial) but more that 1) it didn’t work and 2) there are very specific reasons that indicate why it didn’t work that will have showed themselves, good times or not, if you’re willing to look at and accept them.
Unless you’ve been in a complete fantasy, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing – it just has to be real. Just because your relationship didn’t work out and they may even have proved themselves to be a bit (or a lot) of a tool, it doesn’t mean that the good times didn’t exist or that everything was a lie. This is extreme and a bit childish – instead of going around chopping up their clothing, you’ve erased the past – that’s a fantasy too!
If you can’t differentiate between what was real and what was fake, it means that you were too swept up and cloaked in too many illusions to have a good grounding in reality. It’s not that you can’t or shouldn’t remember the good times or good points but if your imagination runs riot and doesn’t get rudely interrupted by reality, you’re opening yourself up to pain. This is exactly how people end up going back to someone who at best took advantage and at worst abused them. If they restricted their thoughts to reality in full colour, 20:20 vision, they wouldn’t be going back.
If you only remember the hot sex it’s like assuming that in reality they’re one walking, talking penis or vagina. Truth is that the hot sex may be packaged up in someone that doesn’t treat you with love, care, trust, and respect, that leaves you feeling worthless once the sexual high has passed.
The key is to work out what reality is and that includes the good, bad, and indifferent. What you think, can always be denied, rationalised, and minimised, but doing a stock take on what you’ve heard, seen, felt, and basically experienced is real.
What are the facts? Strip out the excuses and BS (whether it’s yours or theirs) and stick with what has happened – what are you left with?
Why didn’t your relationship work?
What did you ignore that in retrospect you recognise as a code amber or red warning?
What reasons did they give the last time they got in touch? What happened the last time you got back together? And the time after that?
When you focus on something good what do you have to ignore? What are you avoiding by focusing on the fantasy?
The truth is that when a person or a relationship are that great, you don’t need the fantasy because you’re living the reality. Are you living the reality? Did you live the reality?
By restricting your imagination with reality, you also ensure that you have healthy boundaries. Put a limit on how much bullshit you have in your life because in fantasies and illusion clad relationships you control the uncontrollable, whereas in reality you’re in control of yourself and can drive your own life.
Your thoughts?
For more advice on illusion free relationships, check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.
Image source: Vogue. Definitions illusions, fantasy, and reality adapted from Oxford English Dictionaries
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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@Lessie “I often wonder if I did self sabotage myself in this way…perhaps I did.” Well yes sweetie I guess so… he was married. Getting involved with a MM is an act of self-sabotage before you even leave the gate… Isn’t it…?
I too have read Thirst by Mary Oliver… “There are days, when the sun goes down, like a fist…” Like the day I realised that there was no way I could manage the fantasy and the exhausting future faking (on both sides), any longer. I had seen too much of the truth of the situation to continue.
It was such a relief, and at the same time, unbelievably painful!! I was myself (am still?), an MEUW with a back catalogue of preposterous relationships with a string of EUM (surprise, surprise!), who each have their own complicated stories. The last one was definitely the most painful, because he did such a good job of creating the fantasy that he really was honest and trustworthy and “different to those other idiots you’ve been spending time with..” and of course, he was the WORST of the lot!
Living away from the fantasy, letting go of the belief in love (the heady rush of ‘in love’ as distinct from the safe, nurturing feeling that real love provides), is a bit like managing an addiction. We relapse regularly. Like all addicts, in many ways we know that life is always going to feel little bit empty if we abandon our drug of choice. I think NML refers to the ‘comfortable uncomfortable place’. This site is an amazing gift to those who find it in their hour of need, but it is also a fantastic opportunity for continued growth and learning for those of us who have (mercifully) escaped from the grip of addiction, and walk a (slightly) saner path.
@NML I really, REALLY hope you understand what an amazing thing you are providing here. Reading the posts of the women on here is one of the most affirming experiences that I have had in a long time. Love and all good things to everyone here xxx
Mx and all the lovely ladies here,
Oh yes, so very true! I loved what you wrote here about the feeling of addiction because that is EXACTLY what it feels like: an addiction to the heightened emotions and senses of being “in love”…in other words, all that “drama rama” as I like to say: “What is he/she thinking, will he/she call me, will he/she leave the other for me”…
It’s utterly exhausting and draining and yet, at the same time, it also takes us “away” from our own problems and, too, our hum drum every day kind of life existence…it often feels like being in a movie (“The English Patient”, “The End of the Affair”) only doesn’t often have the “movie ending”…I am thinking of this great bit from the Elizabeth Gilbert book, “Eat, Pray, Love”:
“Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted—an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore)…
So, that’s it, you have now reached infatuation’s final destination – the complete and merciless devaluation of self”…
When I first read this, I remember thinking, “Wow, that’s how I feel”…thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert, and thank you, most of all, NML for providing such an enlightening and insightful place for those of us who want understanding of ourselves in the hopes of being able to move forward with our life (and our hearts)
My very best thoughts to everyone here
Hi, first of all I want to say how much this site has helped me keep my sanity, and define the growth I need to do.
I had been married for 20 years and with my ex-husband for 24 and had 4 children. I wasnt happy for most of the marriage, but he was basically a good man. Eventually I left after years of being left on my own with the children whilst he was working all the hours god sends, and when my boys began to hit their teenage years, was completely unsupportiveand actually passively condoned their disrespectful behaviour to me, which made me realise that he had no respect for me and I moved out with my 3 younger children into private rented.
I didnt start seeing people until he was with somebody, 4 months later, and this was a relief because he now left me alone and stopped begging me to come back.
I went on dating sites and had a couple of flings and did some stupid stuff. All this time there was a man at work who actively pursued me, he was married and there was no way I would consider going there, but I enjoyed the attention and there was ‘chemistry’. My mother was a single parent and began an affair with a married man when I was 6 and she still sees him now (Im 46) occasionally. So I was NEVER going down that route.
However we became friends and his marriage sounded very similar to mine, his wife was doing and saying a lot of the things I had said. I knew him for 2 years, and the 6 months before we got together, I think I was grieving my marriage, and I didnt know who I was anymore, my identity had changed. I thought I was confident, but in reality I was in a very weird place. this was 18 month after I had left home. For some reason…I gave in to this guy and began an affair, I was absolutely smitten. I felt he understood me, that we were friends, I worked with him and thought I knew him, I loved the way he was at work with his staff and people and I was attracted to his intelligence. I thought I had a good measure of he was when I decided to get involved, although he had actually been grooming me for quite a while. He turned out to be scenario 3. It started as an affair, then his wife gradually extricated him from the house and he was supposed to be living in their caravan. In reality, he was staying some nights with me, some at the van, and always slept at the family home at weekends when he was seeing his girls….DOH!!! He very quickly…
Hi Natasha,
I really like what you wrote here:
“It makes me so sad that I see so many women doing what I did, i.e. mourning someone that doesn’t actually exist and blaming themselves for something going bust when the guy had no intention of it going anywhere to begin with. We all deserve so much better!”
SO very true, for me at least…as I see this with myself and my most recent relationship with a separated EUM that ended recently. I can’t even begin to tell you how much of this (if not all of it) I internalized to myself, thinking, “It’s because I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, good enough” when the truth was, as one of my very dear friends said to me, “It’s not that YOU weren’t enough for him, HE wasn’t enough for YOU”…
I currently have a girlfriend who is in a similar situation herself and it makes me feel concerned and worried for her (she knows this too)…I think so many of us do this, we always think that how “they” behave is a direct result of us instead of realizing that they were probably always going to do this anyway…that in itself can be a tough thing to accept because I think as women in general, it just seems to be SO ingrained in us to be caring and empathetic to others (for the most part, unless perhaps you are Lady MacBeth or something!)…
What I have now realized though is that I must first be good TO me and FOR me before I can even hope to be that and share that with another. And how I wish I had learned this years ago, but, as they say, better late than never, I guess!
This past year has been just one big *sigh* of epiphanies for me.
My best to everyone
Tanzanite,
Wow, everything you wrote here completely resonates with me:
“When I was pulling myself to pieces I trying to force some answers out of him in the hope that he might just say-it’s not progressing because of, blah blah blah.I didn’t believe I was unlovable because of who I am.I can’t change that anyway.
I was suspended in disbelief when I had no money for gas ,couldn’t put food on the table,going to work with holes in my shoes , in a trance, developing an under active thyroid gland,being on the sick. I couldn’t believe how much this effected me. I was dealing with the fall out.I have had to rebuild my life.I was distracted…
I do find it hard to believe that sometimes people appear to have no conscience,but they do.It was clear for a long time I was with someone who was talking the talk but not walking the walk.
I am also a very factual person.I wouldn’t say I love you and bullshit someone,so when I come up against someone who is full of it, I struggle”
This describes perfectly how I have felt (and still now, even feel)…when my separated EU MM cried in front of me and said, “I can’t cry like this in front of my wife” I thought, “He really does care about me” SO desperate was I for some form of…not just emotional validation but some EMPATHY from this man who claimed to love and desire me like no other
I have been sick off and on for the past several months, one antibiotic after another, my self esteem shredded, it was the absolute worst. And the thought of HIM going back to Bermuda, to his happy life of “Barbecues, boats and booze” made me feel like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist”…head spinning, pea soup vomiting all over…it’s not fair!
But then, I realized that, “What is fair”…the hardest part (for me) has been taking MY share of the responsibility for what occurred and realizing that, just as NML said in another of her brilliant articles, “Jedi Mind Tricks”…we ourselves don’t have that much power and influence over what another person does…when I started to “get” that, then and only then, was I able to start the arduous recovery process (and it is still on going even now, some days are definitely better than others).
My best thoughts to you
Sunflower, SM, Claire and Everyone,
Thank you so very much for your kind words and thoughts…I so much appreciate all that you have shared and, as always, find the sentiments resonating very much with me and my emotions as of late.
Claire: I had to smile when I read your words about wanting to “Smash in his skull like a pumpkin”…I remember throwing my (rather substantial) keys at my EU guy during our break up and him sitting there, looked somewhat stunned saying, “No one has ever behaved that way with me before” and me suddenly feeling very much on the verge of a full out Courtney Love type meltdown…oh dear, not my best moment
Sunflower: my very best thoughts to you…please remember that you are not alone, just read the words of the other lovely ladies here and you’ll see so many parallels it’s almost eerie at times…they are so very similar!
SM: yes, I guess this is what I have done in the past: to quote from Nirvana, “I’ll take all the blame, aqua sea foam shame”…that dynamic works well until one day, it suddenly doesn’t anymore and you start to realize: “Umm hey, there are TWO people in this relationship”…
My very best positive vibes to all of you
@ Mango
Thanks for your kind words. Yes, I don’t want to think it’s over either, I don’t really think this and I couldn’t imagine jumping into something new right now, even though I have too much time on my hands. I am finding NC hard becasue of this though. I really miss him and I miss his daughter. I’ll hang in there for now. Thanks:)
Hey all of you;
here´s a nice musical peptalk to face the weekend, a wonderful moving-on song by the coolest women on Planet Earth; Katzenjammer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odhwl4zOC9k
lyrics here: http://www.katzenjammer.no/lyrics
@ Em:
Nice song..it’s always a good feeling to have a fresh start & ‘Dance when I walk away’ and to not repeatedly go viewing the mess/the ‘crime scene’ (as NML says)over and over again, that simple move in it’s entirety is so powerful as it takes away a lot of PAIN!!
It sure is. It took me some time to get here, but I know I wouldn´t have been without the lessons it has taught me
@Lessie:
I do agree with your response to Natasha…“It’s not that YOU weren’t enough for him, HE wasn’t enough for YOU”…
I also believe that some things “Just are not meant to be” and that it will be okay as soon as we embrace it and accept it…’Love’ can cause a person to become lost with reality,dreams&fantasy can as well..we are human and we have so many encounters in life that one can become overwhelmed and caught off guard (it has happen to a lot of good people-as the world turns) it can be difficult to see the truth in people you always have to match words with action. It’s so RISKY when dating and trying to get to know a person sometimes you want to believe that a guy is good/can be good to you and go with that(but as you say “he may not be good enough for you”), you get tired of liars, you’re like, “can people just tell the truth at all anymore, or what?”
So (not to be boring&put an end to the ‘Love’ phenomena,addiction or theme, but) I think it is best to take our power back & exercise self control(to resort back to tradition) and just to do not sleep with a guy until you are sure he wants you, has proven that he is with you & not going anywhere b/c he is actually with you (not leaving in an out,etc.) or until after you walk down the isle for marriage maybe that will put an end to this ‘open player’s field’ for anyone to get hurt/abused/mislead/sabotaged’ and chances of ending up so heartbroken especially by those men claiming to be ‘single&free’ when they are attached and using single women that they call ‘desperate’ as their ‘claim to fame&fortune’ unbelievable b/c “why are MM dating-they should go to jail for that-rite?” “Keep legs closed and don’t ever help them, well, after you are MARRIED then it is OK to do.”
A guy I had known as a friend for five and a half years, finally met me again at the start of the year .. for 15 minutes. We were closish friends but nothing more than that. Four months ago, he tells me that we have a connection, the 15 minutes made him revaluate his 2 year relationship (oh yes .. he had a girlfriend for the last 2 years) and despite my initial statement that we would therefore remain as friends, he bombarded me with text messages, was making plans for holidays and Christmas with the proviso that after we slept together, he would then ‘decide what to do with the girlfriend’.
3 months of bullshit followed (I only remained in contact as I was incredulous that someone I had previously respected would treat me like this) – and there were more promises (unkept) and plans for the future (unrealised). When he started to talk about November and 2012, I decided to finally confront him in person about his blatant lying (he had gone, quite appropriately on a holiday with his girlfriend but had lied to me about it). Two days after his holiday, he arranged to meet me in his city – in his hotel room. I booked my own and had a very awkward evening culminating in telling him to stay the hell out of my life – and after it became very clear that he was not going to get a booty call, he did admit to the lies and of course, the fact that he was “still in love with his girlfriend and wanted to plan his future with her”. He also said that he could never cheat on her (so meeting me in his hotel was something all men do).
He asked that we remain as friends – no friend of mine has treated me as he has so though I will eventually forgive and move on, it is hard for me to forget.
This definitely relates to me! A couple of months ago I decided to give online dating a try. At 37 I was bored of being single for a year so I thought why not? After a week of registering I was matched with what seemed like the perfect guy, he was 35 good looking, had a good job (banker in the City), loved his two kids and family, we had the same interests blah, blah, blah.After a brief communication via the dating site he asked me out on a date, I couldn’t believe my luck and accepted immediately. The date went well and we seemed to connect, we spoke about our past and what we both wanted for the future, he wanted marriage and possibly one more child, same as me, however I failed to recognise some of the many red flags such as at 35 he told me he had met and dated a lot of suitable women but it hadn’t suited his lifestyle to settle down at the time, he didn’t like women that brought drama and that no woman he had met had ever met his two children.
However, I over looked this and preceded to the 2nd date where he totally swept me off my feet by taking me out for a nice meal and stopping off at a few trendy bars, I was smitten. He took me back to his apartment, I was impressed although he had the ultimate batchelor pad I conjured up in my head that I would be the woman to make him realise that living the batchelor life was boring and he should be with me.We kept in touch via text and he would call me every day to see how I was, then he invited me stay over and cooked me dinner, I was impressed again, so I agreed. We had a lovely evening he told me how beautiful I was, we watched dvds, laughed and joked, I slept with him and everything seemed perfect. Although it seemed perfect there was a small niggling thought in the back of my mind saying this is all too good to be true but when I told my girlfriends they said just enjoy and don’t be paranoid about it.I called him a couple of days later to ask if we could meet up again and spend the evening and he kind of blew me off by saying he was going out with the boys, although it seemed a little weird I said no problem, a few days went by no contact from him so I texted and said what’s happening when we gonna meet up again he said I could come over one day next week, so I patiently waited carried on with my normal stuff we met up again but something wasn’t right he was…
I just ended a 2.5 year internet relationship (emotional affair) with someone in another country. After founding this website I feel I did the right thing with NO COMMUNICATION. He met someone 3 months ago I dropped out of sight he kept emailing me giving me updates so I had to block him. Although very painful a hard lesson learned for me but finding all these incredible women with all of these posts brought a smile to my face that has not been there in quite a while. This guy urged me after time goes by we can still be friends..under his terms? i think NOT!!!!!!!!!!!