1. Practice mindfulness in your relationships, especially in the early days, weeks, and months.
This means not trying to anticipate what’s next or worrying about what isn’t happening yet. Let the focus be being right here in the present, in reality. If your mind drifts, pull it back. You don’t have to chase every thought, especially ones that take you out of reality or into anxiety.
2. Avoid reacting to the default response of self-blame.
Hold that thought and park it. I know you might want something to be about you. It may convince you that you’re “not good enough” or give you what you think is a legitimate reason to go back for round 2 or even round 50. Unless, though, you’re 100% in control of something, you can’t blame yourself. Own your part. Owning someone else’s is like deleting them from the picture. If you’re itching to blame yourself, brain dump and put it all on paper. Don’t let it rattle around. Putting it on paper makes it real, especially if you challenge and prove the truth of what you write. Unless what you’ve put down is absolutely true, you’re lying to yourself.
3. Hold that ‘bankruptcy’ thought.
If you write yourself off every time something doesn’t go as you’d like, then yeah, you’re going to have a lot of drama in your life. You can’t keep making it the end of the world, simply because it’s not. When you stop writing you off, you stop taking things so personally.
4. Know and stick to your deal-breakers.
Much of the drama in unhealthy relationships comes from hanging around long past the sell-by-date. The most successful and creative people know how to fail fast: recognising when something isn’t working, addressing and moving forward. This is anything but failure and actually paves the way to success. Recognising crucial signs that your relationship is critically unwell can help you differentiate between teething problems and needing to practically transplant another person into the relationship for it to work.
After you’re done being pissed off, challenges are an opportunity to become more discerning and live more authentically.
5. Don’t try to convince, convert, and bargain.
Blending, morphing and adapting, or trying to save, fix and change others creates drama because it crosses boundaries. When we try to change ourselves or others to make things go our way, we’re not able to respect ourselves or them.
You’re not supposed to be liked by everyone. Not every person can be The One, and not every relationship is meant to last. Drama will be a constant companion if you fritter away your life trying to convince someone to value you or want you in the way that you want them. Trying to change them or haggling like a used car salesperson that’s desperate to do a deal at all costs will only cause you to lose your dignity.
6. Listen with your ears, not with your ego or your overactive imagination.
One of the most drama-riddled people I know told me a story recently where most of what they said happened didn’t actually happen the way she said. It’s not necessarily because she was telling porkies; it’s because from the moment she sensed conflict, it reminded her of some previous experiences, and she wasn’t really ‘there’ anymore. Make sure you can distinguish clearly between what was said and done and what you think they think of you or even previous experiences. Differentiate between your baggage and theirs and the past and present by asking yourself: What’s the baggage behind [my reaction/response]? Make sure you’re actually relating to the person in front of you, not people from your past.
7. Learn some more emotional descriptors that extend beyond the word ‘hurt’.
Of course, sometimes you are hurt. Still, if your default emotion when things don’t go your way is hurt, you’re actually causing yourself unnecessary grief by misleading yourself about what you truly feel. You might also be shutting off opportunities. Hurt is about mental pain and distress. If you frequently claim hurt, it’s time to ask yourself, Am I truly experiencing mental pain and distress, and if I am, is it proportionate to what I’ve actually experienced?
Speaking from personal experience and observation, “hurt” as your default emotion is what occurs when you don’t express anger and struggle with conflict and criticism.
Truth is, sometimes you’re seriously pissed off but trying to cover it up by being nice. Sometimes you’re disappointed, irritated, confused, infuriated, vulnerable, scared, jealous, tired, frustrated, unheard, excluded, or whatever. Be descriptive. Dig deeper. It will help you to explore what and why you feel it.
8. Get angry.
Acting like you don’t “do” anger will just repress what you truly feel and work itself out in other ways. Feelings don’t die, and they manifest in your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. Rather than waiting until you implode with burnout or a breakdown or explode by unleashing a backlog of feelings on someone, allow you to consistently feel your feelings.
Lots of lovely folk like you, who are often people pleasers, perfectionists and overthinkers, quietly seethe with hidden anger. You try to influence people to do what you want, often to rectify previous slights either done by them or others that you’ve kept it zipped about, only to then end up compromising yourself further. This, of course, creates more drama, which makes you feel worse. And lather, rinse, repeat. Exhausting!
You’re human, and this means you’re entitled to get angry because it’s a healthy emotion. If you stop trying to censor your anger, you will find that it passes far quicker but that it also doesn’t catch you off guard or derail your life.
9. Only seek to control you, not others.
Trying to control the uncontrollable is a major route to drama. What can you do about yourself? If you’re thinking about changing someone, what can you do? How can you take command of yourself? If the success of a situation rests on someone else spontaneously combusting into being someone different, you’re rendering you powerless and leaving you at the mercy of external factors. If you’re with someone or participating in a situation where you have little or no power, you shouldn’t be in it.
10. Choose to let it go.
If you think you’re just going to let something go of your own accord, think again. Letting go takes conscious, repeated effort. It’s the choice between grabbing back onto something or reminding yourself that you’re done. A lot of drama comes from tricking ourselves into believing that if it comes into our heads, we obviously are not ready to let go yet. Not.true. It’s you that has to decide and keep deciding to let go. You can’t think about something day in, day out, or associate the thoughts with certain activities and feelings over an extended period and not make that thought process a habit. So, yes, you will have to consciously break that thought pattern because now, for example, you associate getting in the shower with brooding about your ex.
You also don’t have to make the other person think that you’re ‘right’. Nor do you have to keep going back to let them know just one more thing. It’s your ego that wants that, not you.
Work it out with yourself. You need to be on your own side and get your own head straight.
If someone gets on my wick, my brain can go into overdrive having conversations or thinking about what to do “next time”. Reaching a conclusion, getting behind my decision, and refocusing every time I try to choose not to let it go, helps me to let it go. The more I say “Let it go” and even physically push my arms out from me, the more it dissipates.
Sometimes I ask, “What’s changed?” Because really, what’s the point in grabbing onto it again if all that’s changed is that your ego is having an off day and you’re scared of change? Nine times out of ten, nothing material has changed, it’s just that I felt like revisiting it and self-flagellating.
Drama is very much governed by choice. When you curb your own drama tendencies, you will find that drama in your life will reduce dramatically. You will be calm and rational enough to have the perspective not to make yourself responsible for other people’s behaviour and won’t invest energy in changing others. In turn, you set yourself free because you know your boundaries.
Your thoughts?
Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to “please” or protect yourself from others? My new book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon), is out now.
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I agree with ^assclown b gone above!!!
I have been (and promise not to be moving forward) SO CO-DEPENDENT and needing that bargaining and validation. Goooood Lord I believe all of your posts are directed just to me!!
Future faking; investigating intentions, slot machine…every single lesson is one I need to learn…and I’m 47 also. You’d think I would have learned from all the BS in my life to date, but NO. I trusted this man who future faked all the way to ring shopping, condo shopping….and then, he got sick and I sat with him in the hospital just this past Wednesday/Thursday and I was his “emergency contact”, and liaison to doctors….but my heavenly angels were obviously trying to tell me something, because when he finally was able to get up and go to the bathroom, I sat there alone, and a nurse came in with a rose bouquet for him. I read the card, and it said “I love you, Kelly”. Well, my name is NOT Kelly. After inquiring who she was, when he came out, I learned that she was “uh…just a friend”. I left him in the good hands of his brother and went home, only to learn that this girl was staying with him at his house, but had been traveling for work. She is there now, catering to his recovery this holiday weekend. I’ve never felt so humiliated, but realize, that had he not gotten sick, I might have gone much longer without realizing I was with the GRAND POOBAH of Assclowns. I’m sure I ignored previous red flags, but this one was the one that stuck. I’m so hurt, and feel like a fool, but need to focus on the fact that I successfully walked away, and the hardest part, having the courage to keep walking and not look back, will require more strength than I’ve had in a long time, but I need to do it.
@Wow, Goodkarmagirl….I am sorry about your experience, but in a way it is good that you found out early and didn’t waste your precious time ! I wish I could prove that AC has someone permanently, and I am his only option (even I already know, but do not want to admit that!)
@ Natalie you are spot on again, thank you! It is time to LET IT GO as you said in Number 10! I am done, I cant carry on, it is getting really ridiculous…I am glad that I have my holidays for two weeks and hopefully come back to UK with clear head:-)
That’s the ultimate ‘pit in the stomach’ moment. Good grief, what an AC. Keep walking, don’t look back. I’m 48 myself, I know it’s hard at this age to unlearn old habits, but it CAN be done!
“Drama will be a constant companion if you fritter away your life trying to convince someone to value you or want you in the way that you want them, or you try to change them, or you keep haggling like a used car salesperson that’s desperate to do a deal at all costs.”
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. This is me, in relationships and beyond. One of the realizations I have had lately is that my “issues” are not just in relationships, they are in my life. I have spent my entire life – 47 long years – trying to morph, bend and change to get people to see a version of me that doesn’t exist. Along the way – nothing but drama. It was how I got attention, fished for compliments (and then mourned when they didn’t come), Nothing went right and, when it all crashed and burned, I had the proof I needed to convince myself there was something hopelessly wrong with me. Right now, I am sitting waiting for an email from my agent that is a few hours over due. Every nightmare scenario is running through my head (just like when the AC didn’t call), all of which paint me as the bad guy and the source of the problem. I have chewed my fingers till they bleed, eaten everything in the house and done every other bad, self-destructive habit I have, just to help me endure this self-created hell I have built for myself. God! It isn’t just about ACs or EUMs or any one thing. Its everything, and until I learn to dial it back, it will never be any different. Thanks for the kick in the shorts, Natalie. I needed it.
assclown b gone, i can totally relate to what you’ve written. i could have written it about myself! turning our destructive thoughts around is going to take work–constant vigilance, but we can do it! hang in there.
What a fantastic name!
You’re so right here. Self esteem issues affect so much more than just our love lives. I can see a pattern of low self esteem in my choice of friendships, in how I relate to family, in my choice of career, and basically how I function in the world in general, every single day. Heartbreaking relationships (or “involvements” that never quite make it to relationship status), are only the tip of the iceberg. We see them as the problem itself, but our poor relationships are actually only the symptom of our underlying problem of low self worth. That’s why so many of us here have had experiences with not one EUM/AC, but with several. As long as we relate to OURSELVES from a place of low self worth, we will continue to relate to others, and the world, that way as well. The answer is not in finding or being saved by the right man/relationship/friendship/job. Its in being the right partner to ourselves.
Just this morning I finally questioned myself why I was making my ex- so wrong. It wasn’t like we’d dated that long and it wasn’t as if I didn’t see what a dog he was before we started dating. He turned out to be everything I already knew he was but was willing to look the other way.
Today I realized that I was simply plugged into making him wrong for not being how I thought he should be. He is what he is, who he is, and it doesn’t fit my pictures. That’s obviously MY problem and when I see it that way, I can see his actions were very fitting with how I knew him to be from before the relationship ever began.
Realizing I was making him wrong for not meeting my expectations of his behavior was huge for me. And I step forward even more in the letting go process, to hopefully soon reach the complete and neutral emotional stage where I feel nothing but peace.
I love this, and its so true. I did the same thing. I knew what this person was like beforehand, had even resisted his interest in me for a while because I knew how he treated other women, and yet I still gave in, and then made it my mission in life to be the exception. In reality, he was who he was before me, with me, and I’m pretty sure he’s the same way after me (though I still have thoughts that he miraculously morphed into Mr. Wonderful for someone else). When we finally realize that his behavior wasn’t because we were not good enough for him to treat us better, but because he was just being himself, we can finally stop beating ourselves up with the Not Good Enough stick and move on.
Omg, thank you so much for this timely post. I recently had a friend (ex-friend now I guess!) who suddenly stopped talking to me. From my point of view, it was for no reason at all, but from hers, I suppose there was a reason. #10 is hard, and in general I still tend to make it about me sometimes. But, as I’ve learned from having dealt with “friends” who suddenly stop talking to you without warning and who suddenly come back and talk to you like nothing’s happened, these kinds of things happen for a reason, good or bad. It’s not all about me having done something bad, sometimes it’s about them.
Me too Robin, and I found reading this post so utterly timely. THis is not just about ACs but friends too. Just today someone who I thought was a good friend, we had been enjoying a lot of social time together, treated me with utter contempt. She had been rather cold lately but I ignored it and kept pushing and putting myself in her sphere to try and get things back to where we were, to make her like me again! The way she poke to me was clear as day, she was contemptuous of me and I spent a lot of time panicking and trawling through all kinds of scenarios as to what I must have done, feeling guilty as hell for something I must have done but couldn’t identify. Reading this post has saved me a lot of internal drama and potential further humiliation by needily chasing after her friendship. Who knows? And if she can’t be bothered to let me know and feels able to talk to me like that then I actually feel rather contemptuous of her! And I will LET IT GO!
@Marianna, it sucks now that your ex-friend is treating you that way, but everything happens for a reason, and, who knows, it might even be a blessing! I actually ran into one of the aforementioned ex-friends of mine, and found out that we had 100% completely different values – so different, in fact, that I was positive we wouldn’t mesh as friends like we used to. (I also have no idea how we were friends a few years back, but something must have clicked at the time!) Since then I’ve stopped speaking with her and have never looked back! So hang in there! I’m sure you’ll have new friends to meet and hang out with! 🙂
I know how frustrating it is when someone’s behaviour seems to change out of the blue and they don’t just come out and tell you what the problem is. If she’s being that rude I think you’re right to back off rather than wonder what it could possibly be about or what she may think you did wrong.
I had a similar situation with someone who I thought was a good friend of mine becoming curt, a bit arrogant about how ‘busy’ she was, and then ignoring emails when I suggested that we try to plan a time to catch up. She had just recently told me how I was one of her best friends and wanted to catch up before this behaviour began. I could not figure out why she would not just talk to me if something was bothering her. But, I guess I have to learn to let go. She has a history of cutting people off so it’s probably more about her than me and I shouldn’t take it personally.
Oh gosh. Yes. (deep breath)
I keep chasing my own tail it seems. The past few months have been a roller coaster for me, having inspirational highs and then overnight falling into depression. I thought I would be past this stage now, after my latest breakup and I’m starting to get pissed at myself. I have been trying so hard to move forward and ‘get a life’, making an effort every day, but at the end of each day, I feel so lonely, and I’m fighting this sickening, nagging feeling that all this stuff I do is killing time and filler because more often than not, I’m left with the same old me and the same old loneliness. Maybe I’m trying to force change too hard. Today, I went off to do something fun, alone, but really just wanted to cry all day. I look back at my whole life, its been one drama scene and heartache after another. It’s ridiculous. I engage with the same disappointing people, and ‘friendly enough’ ex’s BECAUSE I’m lonely. I hate to say it, it sounds so pathetic and poor me, but if I cut them out, I will have no one but my Mother, my Son and my cat. How did I get here? I search to find purpose, and the harder I search, the more I realize how lost I am. THIS feeling is exactly why I have ended up in bad relationships. Just when I think I see the summit, It seems to get farther away. So, has this rant been a good example of # 3 above…..not to entertain bankrupt thinking. Choosing to let go, #10 applies:
“Choose to let it go. If you think you’re just going to let something go of your own accord, think again. Letting go takes conscious, repeated effort. It’s the choice between grabbing back onto something, or reminding yourself that you’re done. A lot of drama comes from us tricking ourselves into believing that if it comes into our head, that we obviously are not ready to let go yet. It’s you that has to decide and keep deciding to let go.”
This where I have to choose to keep deciding to let go and keep repeating the effort until it pays off. Man, its hard sometimes. It’s like all my new awareness has opened up the flood gates of past mistakes….like a pyramid scheme.
jennynic
You post made me cry the tears ive been holding back for so long. You put all i am feeling too right there in black and white. I could have wrote your exact words, believe me when i say i feel less lonely now, knowing im not feeling this alone.
Like you i am choosing to let go and, yes, its requires effort every day. Its getting easier now, but at first every step i took felt like a step away when every ounce of me just wanted to run back.
It makes it so much harder to let go when the ex AC lives 200 yds away and works 100 yds away, and we walk our dogs in the same park!
I dont know what I would do without Natalie and all you ladies on here some days
Jennynic- very articulate comments. I share some of your disappointment in “us”. I have never been one to be down on myself but I, too, often feel lost these days after the breakup with the AC. I think it’s depression to some degree, and feeling my friends are just so caught up in their own lives – all married or in serious relationships – despite my attempts at making the effort to be the friend that goes the extra mile. I won’t be a doormat for them, though. And the fact that they go on regardless hurts (there’s that word!) even more.
I resist the temptation to use a male friend or two as tissues, they are interested but I just can’t get into them as potential boyfriends. and don’t want to do to them what the AC has done to me (only in WAY more gigantic proportions!). So I work, and work, and work, filling the time so I don’t have to face the loneliness. Should go to my therapist again, would likely do me good, but I have a hard time justifying the expense. Duh..
For both our sakes, Nat’s given good advice- again. Now to kick it all in the butt, and get on with it!
Jennynic-
you’re amazing. and selling yourself short. i know exactly what you mean and feel; the fact that you have the insight and bravery to post it here is wonderful and shows what an amazing person you are. I struggle with those same things, usually what helps me is to remember what someone I worked with many years ago said – no company is better than bad company.
I’m finding it gets harder as you age and harder when you’re single to meet people and make friends. my social circles seem to be shrinking over time and recently I had to really look at it and decided i’d rather work on spending time with the people who are important to me and care about me, even if its only a handful, then chase after those who are just superficial and help me waste time.
Sometimes it hurts but i’m trying to focus on what is good and make those relationships deeper. I hate when people tell me to try new things or get a hobby, join a group, etc. because usually it doesn’t pan out, or at least not in the way I think it will (a bunch of new, wonderful, fabulous friends, handsome men, dates and good times !!!!) but there is something to be said for finding things you enjoy and doing them. A friend of mine decided recently to get back into rowing, and she’s doing it. I like to sew, and while it is a solitary thing there are classes and websites and designers to follow and it is something i like so it makes me feel better about myself and my life. maybe you’re not at that point yet, but keep it in mind.
I wish you well and will be thinking of you.
Number 4 and number 10–Those are perfect–just got done doing number 10 after four months of battling with my own self over someone who couldn’t love me the way I need to be loved. When those thoughts of him try to creep back in and take over my good sense, I remind myself of how good it felt to end the drama and sooth the hurt and more importantly, to “Let It Go”.
Drawing a conclusion and getting behind my decision. This is very difficult to do. Sometimes you like someone so much and they offer so much promise (future faking) that it’s hard to give up on them. My epiphany relationship involved several resolutions on my part to let him go. I would resolve to go over to his place and break up with him. I’d go over, tell him I wanted to break up and why, and then he’d surprise me. Most guys would be like, you wanna break up? OK. They wouldn’t want to be with someone that was so unhappy they wanted to dump their ass. But my assclown…he would turn around and tell me how great he thought our relationship was and how he will stop doing the things that were making me want to end the relationship. And sometimes he would stop doing the things that were causing my angst. Problem is…I wasn’t recognizing the real issues in the relationship…and they weren’t going away. When a guy keeps trying to negotiate with you to stay in the relationship…it gets confusing as you assume they must love you. In the end, he ended up dumping me in the most hurtful way…and just after we had a child together. I think some of these guys just don’t want to be dumped. Their ego can’t stand it…so they go into begging mode getting you to stick around. Then…when you think you’re safe, they turn the tables and reject you with no concern for your feelings. I should never have tried to explain why I wanted to break up. I should have done what this post recommends: worked it out with myself, made a decision and got behind that decision. I should have just dumped his ass. I counted on him changing, spent time schooling him in how to treat me with respect. Next time I find myself in a position where I feel the need to explain to a man how to respect me, that will be my signal to just get rid of him!
Tasha, don’t beat yourself up over the woulda coulda’s – Fact is many of us came her because ( We did not know ) Many of of here we knew we “felt” things were wrong – but many of us, were raised to think we were wrong no-matter what we felt, because as youngsters our feelings did not matter, often I see pattern that we were ( servers in a sense, catering to others needs, and not having a voice to express our own needs. ) and many of us had NO way to even put those feelings into any sentence let alone constructive thoughts if we were NOT taught we ever had the right.
You are not alone, Please refrain from beating yourself up any-longer, it was bad enough we suffered that with whoever before in life, now is time for healing, and not knowing things or not having skills, and all of that.. is not meaning we were bad or wrong, we just did not know enough, and that is not a sin. ( Hugs )
I just wonder how to dump them first??? I am so pissed off with my AC, last week he wanted to be committed to me, even I said to him, that I don’t want. Yesterday when I met him, he was total opposite, distanced himself from me, why meeting me at all if you changed your mind??? It is drives me mad!!! I am so glad that I am not going to see this a** for two weeks and hopefully, it will help me to move on…
You are right, Tasha, we need to dump them before they dump us:-( Regarding your experience, I thought by agreeing to have a child, it means that they are committed 100% and here they are…not taking any responsibilities! God, help us all…
Little Star, if he wants a commitment and you don’t, it would make perfect sense that he would distance himself.
Sunshine thank you for your comment. The reason I behave in such a way, because I have issues with trust, so when he saying he wants commitment, he needs to *show* with his actions! That’s why I said to him that I don’t want commitment because he only *talks* but do not actually do anything! I don’t want to show him that I am IN vulnerable position and that I want him more than he wants me.
little star
it’s kinda ironic that your comment on drama reduction is full of drama. You are extremely reactive to what he says and does. He (allegedly) wants commitment, you’re offended. He naturally withdraws, you don’t like that either. You call him names . To top it off, you want to play the “dump him first” game.
How do you dump them first? Here:
“I’ve been thinking about what I want, and this relationship doesn’t work for me. We aren’t making any progress, it’s always the same stuff coming up. We have to break up.”.
But do you really want to know, or are you filling your head with more drama – fantasizing about your break up with no intention of doing it?
We constantly rehearse in our heads what we should be doing and don’t do anything. When you’re in that trap, practise point 1. of the list. Live your life fully – spend time with friends and family that is not related to the man, do your own stuff – and trust to God that what needs to be done will be revealed. I’m painfully aware that by running through the gazillion imaginary scenarios, we feel we’re doing something useful. We’re not, we’re just confusing ourselves.
Grace, you such a wise woman, I love your and Natalie’s straight comments, it keeps me grounded:-)
I have to say I am confused and AC is probably confused too, as we never really discussed what to do next. I cant *read* him, even I knew him for so long, and it is always the same outcome and you are spot on! I want to finish with him but scared to be alone, as it’s very hard for me to feel in love again, and I kinda used to him:-( I will follow your advice, I am going to concentrate on myself and re-read all Natalie’s posts again (I have plenty of free time now) . NO more drama, I promise:-)
little star
What do you mean by AC? What’s the reality here?
I needed to be reminded of what you have said about living your life fully and not in your head with all the imaginary scenarios. I do this with a lot of things not just the ol’ assclown.
I so much agree with assclown b gone! When it’s drama and unhealthy behavour it’s everywhere. I recognize myself mostly in 6 “Make sure you can distinguish clearly between what was said and done, and what you think they think of you or even previous experiences. Make sure you’re actually relating to the person in front of you, not people from your past.” Not only did I spend the last year fitting a man into the characters of previous relationships, I deliberately trying to figure out which one he is! When I think of the amount of time and brain power spent on him, my mind aches. Drama is a source of so much self inflicted stress and wrong decisions in my life – it’s unbelievable.
Cutting off drama is the best thing one can do not only relationship wise, but also to stay healthy and really living life, not only thinking about living it.
LOL! and needing to practically transplant another person into the relationship for it to work. ( Man that was my life right there.)
I can relate to so much here, and recently have done a LOT of the right things you say to do, Expect for the “One more thing” deal, sounding like the nagging wife or something.. By the way, and one more thing! But when you are p*ssed that happens.
Letting go, oh that is sometimes easier said than done, escpecailly when the ass clown was a gentleman, used to be freind that gave you good things at one time.. But “Unavailable” is unavailable, and God Nat is really hurts the most when YOU want to move on, and want them to move on to a better and REAL future, but seems all they want is you waiting, no word of encouragement to get a future without them, but no hope for one with them either, like some invisible cage, the “unspoken” cage and when your caged you don’t get to go anywhere it gets as we have heard here before.. Boring.
And even an ass clown can have a beautiful side, not all are the shirtless show off’s, or the future faking kind.. Some are I do believe”Unavailable” to their own selves and really hurting themselves.. But oh how you do need to let it go, ( just let it go ) out of love – and they have to DO something about that NOT you… “Leaving is love sometimes.” we are not taught that, and it should be written about a lot more than it is, that sometimes LEAVING is in fact a greater act of LOVE.
What a great list. I like the idea of learning how to “fail fast.” I could have had a lot of extra time had I not drawn out some of my failures over years! Also, learning not to immediately sneer at myself when something goes wrong, and learning some other default modes besides hurt, have been major points of growth for me.
An update: I just sent off an email accepting the job offer today. Because I said no to the first verbal query, then pushed back on the first offer, got the second offer (which I was pretty happy about) and then took three days to call people, do research, practice negotiating, talk to the union, etc, I asked for way more than I felt comfortable asking for (I had figures to make it sound reasonable) and I GOT way more than I expected.
I am now getting almost twice the pay than the first offer they held out!
I believe that the critical points were saying “no” to the lowball first offer and showing genuine hesitation about the second. I was willing to walk away from a situation that didn’t feel great, even though I need the work. I honestly think that communicated a self-respect and a valuing of myself that they came around to. This has been an amazing test of my ability to speak firmly and confidently about my own value – to assert my value.
If this is what men do all the time, no wonder on average they get paid more than women. My mother said she has learned a lot by watching me go through this process; she said she would have never thought to research and have data to back up a counteroffer.
I don’t advocate “negotiating someone up” in the love arena, but I certainly have learned that even if I feel shy about my value, others will accept exactly what I assert.
Congratulations, Magnolia, Im sure all will go well.
Congratulations Magnolia – great news, fantastic progress and a great lesson for all of us! x
Magnolia
Yep, that is exactly what many men do. I read a survey where someone was asked why the men in their organisation get paid more. The reply? “They ask for more”.
We could get dramatic about it – they’re trying to rip me off! Society is against women! Men get it easier! Yes, these things may all be true but dramatising doesn’t get us what we want. We have to do something to help ourselves. And society WILL change by degrees because of these small changes that WE make as individuals.
We’re so lucky that we’re not enslaved, we can choose who we marry, we’re not financially dependent on men. Yet we so often behave like we have no choices at all (note to self).
Really good news on the job front, well done! It does go to show, to get what we want we have to be prepared to walk away from what we don’t want.
Well done, Magnolia, you first started from your job and succeed in negotiation! I bet your success in your personal life will follow. ALL the best, we are proud of you:-)
*cyber fist bump* 🙂
Good for you Magnolia. Very happy to hear about the job and the salary. This certainly dwarfs coffee man from your previous post. He was looking for an ego stroke. Since I’m 53 and spent two years as an OW, it’s hard to navigate the waters when it seems like a sorta professional convo. Bottom line: he said he was a deceitful shit and he is. You are moving on. Just be careful when guys want to meet under the pretense of “work”. That’s how I got totally sucked in. In addition to cyber-space which add a layer of murkiness so does meeting to discuss “work”. Don’t forget us.
Well done, Mags! Big result! And, yes, you’re onto it: one of the biggest reasons for pay inequity between the genders is starting salary negotiation – men ask for more from day 1, and the difference increases from there.
Solid work, Magnolia! I’ve had my fingers, toes, and eyes crossed that your negotiations would be fruitful.
What’s exceptionally impressive here to me is that you didn’t fall prey to the Last Chance Saloon mentality that’s so easy to fall into in job seeking. Particularly in your chosen profession — as I understand it, the competition for positions is quite fierce, and people are willing to put up with a LOT just to get one. The fact that you had the guts and smarts to build your case — to show them how to value you properly — really is quite terrific.
I hope you are doing something lovely to celebrate. Champagne all around! 🙂
“A lot of drama comes from us tricking ourselves into believing that if it comes into our head, that we obviously are not ready to let go yet. It’s you that has to decide and keep deciding to let go.”
This is SO true. Deciding to ‘let something go’ is a repeat process. You have to re-let it go every single time you think of it again. Such wise advice, as always.
I’m printing this out for my fridge and purse! I have a comment to add – about getting caught up in other peoples dramas.
Just been through a rough patch after my close friend felt she had to tell me my ex had his ex wife move back in. She heard from someone else I know, but not the full story, which was she had taken an overdose and her son wanted to look after her.
I let myself get caught up in other peoples drama. I spent a whole restless night upset that she was the reason he did a u turn as times and dates matched up four weeks ago.
The next day my friend phoned and so did another, putting me in the picture. I knew the picture anyway, as my ex had spoken about her during our relationship. But I’d got hooked into my friend’s ‘Not Wanting To Keep a Painful Secret’ drama. I didn’t sleep well and felt really shaken up. I had no way of finding out the truth at the time she phoned.
I still feel angry with my best friend. I’d rather she got her facts straight first. She never apologised but said ‘well this shows you what still needs healing’. ??? Erm… However I do take the lesson – Don’t Get Caught In Other People’s Dramas.
I got out of that relationship due to too much drama, to-ing and fro-ing, messy boundaries etc.
Other folks have their own stuff going on. My best friend often gets caught up ‘between’ couples who break up. But that’s her stuff, it’s not for me to comment on unless she was at risk or hurting herself. She does have an annoying habit of speaking like a therapist sometimes.
I am learning to get clearer and speak in the moment. I really love the first item on the list – be mindful. Brilliant.
Janine
She’s just gossiping. Don’t engage. Cut it off.
Yes Yes YES!!!! When i read this i feel like you are actually in my life …such relief i am not the only going through this hell!!!
Thankyou for giving me permission to get angry ( sometimes i feel i could go crazy with frustration and anger).But if i do get anger i may not be liked …..
All of your articles Natalie are getting me through,it is a very very slow process and have fell off the wagon many times ,i am trying so hard and with your articles and book i am slowly trying to break this emotional ,draining chain around my neck.
The hardest thing is looking at my own downfalls,very scarey ,but i understand necessary.
Please carry on with what you are doing ,trust me you helping set free many many wonderful people!!!! x
4 and 10 ring so true. You’ve got recognize when it’s not working out. Delaying can take years off your life. I’ve seen couples prolong the inevitable for years with every excuse under the book. To be unhappy in such a state for years is such a waste of good life. Of course you should give a relationship your all but when it’s patently not working someone has to be brave enough to say enough is enough.
As ever Natalie you are wise beyond words 🙂 I’ll tweet this to my followers.
Love
Grace
@Grace – thanks – absolutely agree.
If I could just learn to let go! I believed I was doing fine with NC for over a month but then it really was a bit like hiding my head in the sand – telling myself “oh yes, the EUM who was formerly my best friend and who future faked me into a fantasy relationship while getting involved with someone else – I´ll think about him some other time”.
Then, two days ago he sends me this im as if nothing´s happened (pressing reset?): “hi, sexy”. What on earth can you reply to that? If I ignore, he will insist, so I tell him some analogy about Sheherazade escaping the harem because she realizes the sultan will always remain a sultan and won´t treat her as she deserves. I thought that described my situation pretty well and would shut him up but yesterday I saw he had written me “so we won´t ever talk again?”.
And now I´m feeling like sh*t again, wondering if I´ll ever get him out of my head. (And no, I haven´t replied because I can imagine the drama that could come out of that but it´s tempting to speculate on what I could tell him and what will happen next. Letting go is really hard.)
Lilia
Just ignore him. What an idiot. Don’t tell him anything. It’s not hard to let go, it’s easy when you realise you deserve more. (I know, I know, it took me 3 years to let go but it was a bl**dy waste of time). Okay, easy may be overstating it but you make it harder by trying to explain yourself, replying to their emails etc., and then beating yourself up about. Just start again. Nothing has changed. His emails mean nothing. They’re pathetic. Do not allow yourself to feel sh*t over a couple of lines.
The last time I instigated NC, I’d learned my lessons from the 3 year debacle. Blocked everything including face book. Done and dusted. I don’t even know how long it took for me to get over it, it was over so fast!
lilia-
i think letting go is really hard, but for me the key is when i maintain and continue to subscribe to the positive notions i had about the person (but he was so _____; but sometimes he would _____; if only he _____.) no. we have to knock this off.
the guys that i have decided, really decided to my core, were truly not worth my time are the guys i have let go of, or at least they don’t plague me. the guy, right now its 1 guy, with whom i felt i had unfinished business or made a mistake was harder to let go of, but that is getting easier with the passage of time and the knowledge …or rather that acceptance… that whatever potential he/we may have had was utterly ruined by a basket of incompatibility (he was EU, emotionally stingy, kind of selfish, never really treated me right, managed me into the status quo – and of course i did nothing wrong … kidding….).
it is rude and disruptive for this guy to reset-button-text, and to do it in a diminishing way (of course you’re sexy, but that’s not all you are). like grace said, if you can, just ignore it, don’t reply. if you do reply, say “do not contact me again”, no please. but don’t reply. and don’t feel like sh*t. you’re ok. he’s an ass, and trying to option you. no. no options.
and a month is nothing. you’re still healing. don’t reply. you’re going to be ok.
cc,
It wasn’t meant for me, but thanks for this: “whatever potential he/we may have had was utterly ruined by a basket of incompatibility (he was EU, emotionally stingy, kind of selfish, never really treated me right, managed me into the status quo”.
It was so hard for me to let go of the “but I’ve never felt this way about someone before, I was excited about a real future with him, he has feelings for me too, we have a great time together, etc etc, so how could he not want to give this a shot?” sort of thoughts. I always thought that those things were what was tough to come by in someone… and what I had always hoped to feel/find. But it’s just not enough if he also happens to be a selfish, irresponsible, user.
a-
i’m glad it helped, but if THIS helps too, you have no idea how long it took me or how hard i had to work to be able to utter that simple statement in an offhand way. only now, 4 1/2 months after the fact (a time equal to the relationship itself) can i think of him without a spasm. even though i pushed him into breaking up, which means i was aware that that was really the only way out, when he did opt out i couldn’t *believe* that he was giving up “all we had” and “the connection” and “how we could feel” – i guess that’s what natalie means with 1, 4, 5, 6, and 10 – we feel how we feel and they feel how they feel. and if there’s a mismatch, whether he’s EU, or AC, or just a guy who isn’t right for us, the two ain’t gonna be the same thing.
big hug
Lilia,
It can take a little bit to stop wondering what he will say next, or feeling some kind of pressure or anxiety when it comes to not replying to his texts. Messages like “so we won’t ever talk again?”, “are you alive”, or “so you hate me now?” infuriate me…..they’re so lazy, yet designed to guilt you/force a response. You’ve told him where you stand, there isn’t anything left to say. Lord knows he isn’t addressing your feelings or saying anything substantial. His response reads as “yeah, so, you’re complaining….but whatever, you’re still going to be around as an option, aren’t you?” If you think it will help you to keep to NC, you could send one last “this situation does not work for me, stop contacting me” text–but if you do, you have to mean it. After that, no responses, no matter what bs he sends your way.
Thanks for all of your feedback, I really needed some BS filter. Today I got another email from him wishing me well in my life. It took me by surprise and made me very sad, it seems so final and dramatic… as if we had a proper relationship, how odd is that?
Still, I won´t respond. Not sure if I´m getting paranoid but after a while I started thinking perhaps this is some manipulation to test my boundaries, find out if I´m serious about not wanting to be his option. Could that be possible?
Anyway, as sad as I get sometimes, I´m starting to like myself a lot more than I used to!
(Btw thank you Grace for calling him an idiot, it´s a relief to see that someone as wise as you thinks that way of him.)
Amazingly wise and true.
Thank you so much N.
E
“Drama is very much governed by choice. When you curb your own drama tendencies, you will find that drama in your life will reduce dramatically, because you are calm and rational enough to have the perspective not to make yourself responsible for other people’s behaviour and won’t invest energy in changing others.”
Ahhh…I am so guilty of choosing to HAVE drama in my life so many times in the past. I am finally learning that I am not responsible for anyone elses jackass behaviors, whether it’s a romantic relationship or even a family member. I have so much good going on in my life now, that I am choosing not to mess that up. And yes, I am still letting go of my ex and hs new gf, and every day it gets a little better because at the end of the day I am sooo glad he’s not my problem anymore and I don’t ever have to feel like dirt again. I choose to stay sane!
Thanks Nat!
i haven’t posted here in a while. i’m glad i read this article because i was sitting around fantasizing and creating a fantasy relationship in my mind after one date with a new guy. it’s amazing how no matter how much self work we do to get to a point where we are ready to open ourselves up and date again, we can fall back into self deprecating thinking.
i went on a date this weekend with a nice young man who is wrapping up his studies at a pretigious university in my city (he’s a transplant here for school). we met a few weeks ago, but, our schedules were conflicted so we couldn’t meet until this weekend. initially, he planned on a formal date on this past friday, but we rescheduled due to his assignment and my work schedule, so we ended up going out sunday. it was a sweet date. we both seemed comfortable with eachother, lots of talking, laughing and sharing. since the date, i’m been over analyzing, obsessing and ruminating about every detail from the evening. i’ve been thinking about how long it should be for him to contact me, dissecting his previous texts, and just driving myself crazy! i thought i was ready to date…but, i think i’m more ready for a date with a therapist at this point. i have to STOP THE MADNESS!
D. I have not tried and tested the new attitudes to dating that we can get from here (can’t wait till I do!). But I suspect the thought patterns are always there, and what changes is how we understand, handle and change them. So while you probably know better than me, my thoughts are, you are a red-blooded human and be kind to yourself, don’t expect miracles, as if you won’t get excited and hopeful! Remember what a complete person you became before the date and still are and don’t lose sight, keep your feet firmly on the ground. Remember your dealbreakers, your values, and trust that if these are pushed, you will put you first. Take a deep breath, focus on something you love doing and that makes you feel like you (don’t start playing his favourite records!) and I wish you the very best 🙂
happy b
thanks so much! i was literally beating myself up about so many random things regarding this date. thank you for reminding me to be kind to me…
i love this site!!!
d.
more to what happy b said – we all regress temporarily into former behaviors when we get challenged, and dating is challenging. but true growth means that you won’t ever completely back into your former self. it may be two steps forward one step back, but you never actually go backwards, not for long. you already caught yourself, and that’s great. so, now, you might have to redouble your efforts, but you already know its worth it.
but really, this happens to everybody. you’re testing your new wings, you’re not just going to take off and fly right the first time. so, yes, go gently.
d.,
What I find useful for keeping an emotional grip in the early dating phase is to be very aware of what my boundaries are. In your case, the most important thing you need to know is that he needs to call you sometime this week and ask you out again. If a week passes without him calling, he is not taking it seriously, and it’s game over. You can grieve the loss of the mini-fantasy and move on. When you have this sort of clear boundary in mind, it keeps you grounded in the early days, when most girls are going off the deepend with anxiety.
Oh, and another important boundary I’d recommend: only let him see you one or two times at most this week. Anything else is moving too fast!
Good luck!
“Listen with your ears, not with your ego or your overactive imagination.”
There’s a few times recently I’ve caught myself out. Last month, I was at a conference and someone I occasionally work with, who is usually warm, sharply excluded me from a conversation about something I was interested in. I felt so low I had to sneak off and cry! Not usual for me but I was already down and exhausted. I pulled myself together in the loos and started to leave. I got to the gate and then turned around to go back in, thought ‘be strong’.
I had to hold back tears the rest of the afternoon, but then a group of us went out for dinner and he ended up next to me. I gave us a clean slate, asked him about his travels, and we had a very friendly, relaxed talk. He said he’d like to run some ideas by me and include me in one of his projects, and showed a lot of interest. I figured out then that he’d just been very focused on his conversation and to his mind, there hadn’t been anything at all unusual. It wasn’t all about me.
I thought, and often remember, ‘what if I’d just gone home and cried?’. How many other times have I done just that, if not literally, than even worse, added it to the pile of ‘evidence’ that I am a failure?
Wise words Natalie, but it’s tough. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to work so hard at something that comes naturally to others, because the preparation I was ‘given’ for the adult world evidently wasn’t very effective. Am not blaming anyone, maybe I’m just having a bad day.
Be careful not to blame yourself or your preparation for life too much. It can be tiring being a woman in certain professional fields and situations. Sometimes men do cut off women in work situations. Yes, sometimes, like all of us, they’re just being focused or have their own stuff going on, but sometimes they overlook and exclude because we’re women. It’s not always easy to tell. Either way, crying about it isn’t usually the best option – though, to swing again, sometimes it comes from rightful anger. Leaving is even less likely the right option – unless it’s a lost cause (which your colleague did not sound like, being normally warm and interested). What I am trying to say is that – yes, being calm, open and assertive is the goal, but you don’t want to personalise the problem to the extent that you deny inequalities when they exist.
I think its also useful to identity situations and emotions that trigger an nearly overwhelming need to create drama. For me, vague feelings of emotional neglect and the ensuing “hurt” that accompanies them are all it takes for me to want to kick up my heels and stir things up to get the attention and validation that I want from other people. Of course, recognizing these triggers goes back to #1, being mindful of what’s really happening (Am I really being neglected or am I just feeling neglected?) and a function of #7, increasing my emotional bandwidth so that it registers something other than the catch-all “hurt” (Am I really feeling hurt or something else?).
Cheers! 🙂
I can definately relate to Little Star’s post, especially in relation to the guy saying he wanted committment, but she didn’t want it, even though she really wanted him. Just because a guy says he wants to be committed to you… what has he shown you to back it up? …I think we underestimate ourselves way too much.
It’s nice to have guidance and to listen to advice and get to share our experiences… but deep down, we all know damn well the truth. We damn well know how someone feels about us. But we don’t know how to deal with that truth. Hence, denial… and illusions. When I finally saw my ex and the relationship for what it was, and not what I thought it was via denial and illusions… I was okay that I would never speak to him again or see him, or the fact that two months ago he said he was inlove with me and stalking me, etc… but now… he’s most likely dating/shagging around. Whatever. It’s out of my control. Absolutely nothing I can do but learn, grown and move on. It hurts, at times (growing pains I like to call it), but it comes and goes. A girlfriend of mine who’s in a healthy, loving relationship said to me “why do you love him, what do you miss about him?” I couldn’t even really think of anything good to respond with. Umm… he’s funny, “uh-huh.. funny, is funny”, umm….he’s great in bed, “uh-huh…good sex, is good”, “can you trust him in a room full of women in bikinis?” umm… hell no!! lol. “I would trust my husband in a room full of naked women… he’s totally supportive, I never question how he feels about me, I KNOW. We’ve been together for 9 years, it gets better and better every year.” And… there you have it from a 36 year old woman who’s happily married to her wonderful hubby, 33, who absolutely, adores her. She’s got healthy self-esteem, has her own life and interests… does not get jealous (cause he’s so inlove with her, she doesn’t need to be).
And that’s just ONE example from one of my girlfriends. While we’re wondering what these dopes are doing, and why they’re not calling… and obsessing. I know so many good men where they are going through what we are… good-looking, successful, and their wives cheat on them… and they STILL want to stay and work on the marriage. Yup. So anytime you feel bad about these crappy, unworthy dipsticks… let. it. go. Move the eff…
Awesome, thank you Nat. It’s as if you knew the time..
“It’s you that has to decide and keep deciding to let go.”
Thank you, Nat. I am writing this on my bathroom mirror.
Me too Spiral
Hi everyone.
Since my little boy died and I have been picking up the pieces of my life, I found that I naturally have been reducing the drama and clutter in my life. Its much easier just to let go as Nat says. This included finally getting rid of the AC who treated us so badly. I ended it, joined the gym and focussed on rebuilding my relationships with those who really do care about us. It was hard but I realised that he would never offer what I wanted. Anyway he’s been sending flowers etc, begging me to talk. Was NC for a while but we have to see each other socially so didn;t want to cut off all communication so occasionally would respond to his texts but very much just in a distant friendly way. Anyway I agreed to meet up for a coffee with him yesterday which turned into dinner. He said how much he’d missed me, how he realised how much he loved me, all the mistakes he’d made and how sorry he was. If I had him back, how much he would change etc..You know all the stuff we want to hear (except its all BS – if they were like this really then we wouldn’t be on this site)…He then went on to say that he wanted to get married and have a baby!!!!!! Yikes..I told him that if there was any chance we would get back together then we would have to go to relationship counselling to sort out our problems…He agreed that he would sort it by the time I get from a holiday with the girls ( I go tomorrow yippee!!) . Fast forward to tonight, I get a call from him saying he can’t go through with the counselling as he doesn’t want to ‘rake up the past’ – i.e. be accountable for his actions…and can’t we just go back to how we were. I said no thanks, thanks for letting me know..Then he tried to play the friend card – ‘ I still want to be in your life, I still want to be your best friend’..Again i said no thanks, have enough friends, take care and hung up..such classic behaviour…I’m so grateful to Nat for creating this site and teaching me all about AC behaviour. This guy displayed the lot and if it weren’t for Nat, I would still be believing that he must really care etc….just confused etc..This was a ‘suck it and see’ exercise..At least now I know for sure..Onwards and upwards..Hugs to everyone here xxx
NeedtoBeFree, I’m so sorry about your son. My thoughts, prayers and love to you.
Congratulations for getting rid of that burden; stick with it. Wishing you comfort & solace as you mourn your son and pick up all of the pieces of your life.
I don’t think I have EVER in my life come across a person who:
doesn’t show emotion example: (instead of saying “I would like to see u, come by later or ill make u dinner” it was more like: “Hey im making dinner if you would like to join me and my son or swing by”
– Felt like no matter if I said: im leaving I hate u or darling I love u I would get no reaction or he would simply respond with “OK”
– He always kept me at an arms length from things
– I never ever in one year met anyone else other than his son. I know he doesn’t have many friends and for the most part is estranged from his “real” family (he has a sort of adoptive family who live in FL)
– It almost felt as though he would purposely not want to show me that he cared about me (like I would say, you never tell me sweet things or express any kind of emotion) It felt like the more I asked, the less he did it (was this about control?)
I think part of what kept me hookd in all this drama was the shock of not blvng that some1 could really be like this. I kept thinking eventually SOMETHING has to cause a reaction from him. I tried so hard to make an emotional connection with him. To get close for him to let me in. It all seemed so superficial. No real talk about feelings. I allwed myself to be in all this crazy makng because #1 I had never been w someone like this before #2 It all seemed so subtle and sometimes it would even seem if I was being too emotional or was over analyzing. I have read up on Narcissism but he never had rages or ridiculed me or be littled me or criticized me. He did dismiss me at times, especially whenever I would want to talk about the relationship or feelings but he always either ignored me changed the subject or pretended he didn’t hear me. It bothered me so much that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. Not to mention the outrageous lies and excuses that were so constant. Some were unbelievable even comical that I think a 5 year old could come up with better. Sometimes I wondered if he didn’t realize how much I could see right through his lies. Just curious if this means he was a narcissist. I guess it helps knowing that no matter who it is he will be the same way. Im afraid of ever coming across someone like this ever again. Overall it has left me very confused and unable to trust my own instincts. It just always felt very “bizarre” being with him.
Confused,
Alot of what you say here reminds me of my ex. He would never really talk about his feelings. He liked to talk but it was like he was emotionally removed from everything. He enjoyed exploring my feelings with me – especially when they were things like disappointment, frustration and pain. I always thought it was about enjoying the control. But the one thing I realised is that trying to understand them and unlock the puzzle is absolutely bloody pointless. He is who he is and you don’t have to understand it or find a diagnosis. We are not psychiatrists. All we can do is distance ourselves from people who make us feel bad and learn. But yes, they are absolutely infuriating!
“The most successful and creative people know how to fail fast – recognising when something isn’t working, addressing and moving forward, which in the end is anything but failure and actually paves the way to success.”
Ah, that one hit home for me. I know for a fact that I’ve gotten much better at opting out early from dodgy romances-in-the-making, thanks to studying here at University of BR.
However, I’m less light on my feet when it comes to career stuff. I just received notice that I didn’t get a job I really wanted, and am having to work overtime in my head to not personalize the rejection, to not cling to the loss, to not get all up in my head and dramatic about it. “Woe is me! The Universe hates me! I’M GONNA END UP A HOMELESS BAG LADY!!!” Jeepers.
Drama Reduction is in order here. Step one: strong cuppa. Step two: walk along the shore to have a good cry. Step three: move forward.
Aw Tea Cozy,
So very sorry about the job. It happened to me too. I hadn’t enrolled in the U of BR at that point and I did make it all about me. I wasn’t good enough, the Universe hates me, woe is me, drama central. I spent several months in #2, 3 and 8. Then two weeks ago, it happened to a very, very talented colleague. We were both groomed for the new positions at the same time and were the darlings of the admin. We worked our butts off and we were good. College pres chose the outside candidates. I’ve talked with my colleague over the past two weeks and he did #2, 3, and 8. Today, when we talked, he’s “parked it”. He’s divorced with 3 little kids to support and still has a job. He was so over the drama in just two weeks. It took me months of drama and blaming myself. Once I saw it happen to such brilliant and talented colleague, I realized it wasn’t about me not being good enough. He was clearly good enough as was I and so are you. Have a cuppa or several…walk along the shore…and move forward. I only think I let go of this baggage when I realized it simply wasn’t about him. It’s not about you. Hoping you get to where my colleague is in two weeks instead of two years, like me. As we talked today, I could hear almost every article Natalie has posted. Good luck to you and I’m sorry.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply, runner. The example of your colleague, and your own experience, is very helpful to me. Drama Reduction Tips 2, 3, and 8 are now on my shortlist. (I had to lean on #5 as well, to resist pleading my case to the recruiter; the choice has been made, there’s no point (or dignity) in begging!)
In the same way that every relationship serves to teach us something about ourselves, per Nat, I’m finding every job pursuit does the same. I was guilty of Future Faking myself a bit with this gig (“This is my ticket outta hard times. Free at last!”), and also trying to overleap the Discovery Phase and force the situation (in my mind) to be a Long-Term Committed Mutually Respectful (Working) Relationship, when really, we were still circling and sniffing each other to see if there was a good fit there.
I’m glad you have that brilliant colleague to mirror your own process — and I thank you again for sharing that with me. It was truly helpful.
Ah sorry you didn’t get the job Tea Cozy. And wow! you have a shore to walk along, how lovely. It is perfectly, absolutely fine to be disappointed at not getting a job and I suppose the trick is not to let it paralyse you and dust yourself off and try again. Anyone who has ever done any recruitment will know that sometimes you get an amazing bunch of candidates and you want all of them. So don’t take it as not being good enough. And sometimes it can be a blessing in disguise when you don’t get a job because it wouldn’t have been quite right and something even better might come along later.
Ah, Polly, you are sweet to remind me that I’m lucky to have the shore right here for solace. The Pacific Ocean is a wonderful therapist. 🙂
Thank you for the perspective on recruiting side of things. I’ve not been in that position, so it didn’t even occur to me that it is quite possibly difficult and slightly painful for them to have to reject candidates. That helps humanize the situation for me.
And yes, you are right — as I think things through after the fact, I really didn’t have the proper skill set for a big chunk of what the job would call for, so it would’ve been a possible stress-fest.
Thanks again, Polly.
“10. Choose to let it go. If you think you’re just going to let something go of your own accord, think again. Letting go takes conscious, repeated effort. It’s the choice between grabbing back onto something, or reminding yourself that you’re done. A lot of drama comes from us tricking ourselves into believing that if it comes into our head, that we obviously are not ready to let go yet. It’s you that has to decide and keep deciding to let go.”
Thank you for sharing this Natalie: I never thought about “it” this way before now; yes, my mind has been playing tricks on me indeed.
I was thinking that I hadn’t completely accepted that my relationship with my ‘ex’ is over, and I don’t feel as if I have completely let go of him because every once in a while he will pop into my head, and I will just have this need to google him , and I used to succumb to the short term gratification, and then sometimes I would “grab back,” but I did not contact him directly…it was all acted out in my mind.
Well, I decided to stop googling him about two weeks ago, and I could feel the pangs from not allowing myself to do it (it was hard to do!), but it felt more like withdrawals from an addiction than…–I really don’t feel anything for this man anymore; I don’t believe I even know him, knew him….NADA…, so I’m wondering which came first, the chicken or the egg…. (I instinctively went NC, and I have maintained it for months.)
Oh well, either way, at least I’ve stopped googling him now, and I can feel him fading from my mind: he isn’t popping into my head as often, and by not googling him I am choosing to stand by my decision…okay, so I will keep choosing to stand by my decision every day, as long as it takes…thank you Natalie.
Natalie, This list is an excellent drama reduction strategy. No. 10 particularly resonated with me too. In the beginning, I don’t think I realized that it was going to take such conscious repeated effort. I played jedi mind tricks with myself and kept grabbing back. I don’t remember precisely when it happened but there was a point when I realized there was nothing to grab in reality. I was trying to resurrect my fantasy.
And Pumkin Eyes,
Thank you for your comment. When I finally got behind my decision to do NC for real, I still did the googling thing too. Even worse, I could watch him live or on video tape due to the nature of his work. I stopped googling and watching him a while back and I see that even though I wasn’t contacting him, virtual contact was still contact and it was keeping me stuck. You are right. By not googling him, we are choosing to stand by our decision. Cyber space makes so much so much more complicated. Good for you and thank you for articulating Natalie’s post in the cyber context. It was really helpful. Thanks. xxxoo
Pumpkin, I’m glad you posted. Though I cut contact with my most recent guy in terms of email/phone, I’ve been resistant to completely cutting the cord and stopping the Googling and peeking at his online dating profile. And I’ve been in denial about how that has kept me in Fantasy Land. You spelled it out perfectly; and yes, it does feel like an addictive pull to something that I don’t even want any more.
It’s time to plant the flag and stand by my decision. No Googling, no profile peeping.
Thank you for the call to action.
I feel like a bit of a dissident saying this, but I LIKED the drama. I grew up believing that I was never going to be anyone that anything ever happened to, good or bad, and that I was always going to be sitting in while my friends went out to parties.
Mind, it’s come full circle now because I really AM sitting in while all my friends go out to parties. I miss the drama, and even when things were superlatively horrible, I enjoyed and felt challenged by the bits where things were happening and changing. It feels like nothing changes now and that’s depressing, like being stuck in a ditch.
What I’ve got to remember, I think, is that a) drama eats itself – it goes on and on and really keeps you stuck in the moment instead of moving forward in your life b) that even when I was at the middle of the Unplanned Pregnancy Drama I was really just sitting at home (again!) with nobody paying attention to me and living for the few crumbs of attention that I very occasionally got and c) hooking up with dramarama addicts will get you drama alright, but it’s never about YOU, it’s always THEIR drama about THEM.
So although my initial reaction to this post was “Ooo, drama, wish I had some of that”, it’s been worth remembering that Drama Isn’t A Good Thing. I want the sort of drama that comes of going out and living my life fully with someone who also wants to live life fully by my side.
Thanks for the post – it’s super-wise, as always 🙂
Confused 2: We just had to be seeing the same guy. I, too, always felt that there was just something not right. He always kept me at arms length, with me pathetically trying so hard to get a response from him. I never got anything. I remember he said on a Friday that he wanted to spend more time with me and then on Saturday went to a wedding with someone else. Said he would call me within a few days, waited 3 weeks and then said he was thinking of me. They dangle the prize in front of you but always make sure it just isn’t within your reach. Total mind fuckery. Just know that nothing you say or do will provoke a response from him. Grab your self esteem and run for the hills. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes – you deserve more, just like me. Strength to you.
Finally:
I’m glad to know im not the only 1. Really because there were times i thought i was going insane. I am not 1 to have a victim mentality but when it came to this man & the toll that it has taken on my self esteem I cant help but to feel some what of a victim who fell prey to his tactics. I crtnly take rspbility for “allowing” him to treat me this way but i think it was just so bizarre & inconcvble to me that instead of getting out, i focused on trying to understand why & trying to get inside his head & in turn ended up in the cycle. I realize that was energy not well spent but the mind can only try to fill in the gaps with answrs when none are given when some1 is so vague ambigous & when our minds are trying to make sense of something so foreign. Perhaps the cycle itself is what was addicting- not him per say.
Dangling the prize is right on until i figured that part out & finally whenever he did dangle it it wasn’t working anymore (or he wasn’t getting what he wanted) I saw how easily it was for him to simply stop calling as much, looking for me or finding some1 else who was “more than willing” to give him more. Not even an “is there something wrong, lets talk” just simply him avoiding the issue altogether as if to say: I’m not chasing you or your not worth more effort than this. Take it or leave it its either on my terms or no way at all.
It still puzzles me how some1 can think this way & be so selfish & never be willing to take rspblty & or even think that they are doing something hurtful or wrong to another human being. Can’t say it doesn’t hurt because it hurts like hell. It was never about because i was a good friend/person to him. It was never about the bond he always said we had. Those were just words used to keep me there but never truly meaning them. No wonder it’s easy for them to walk away as if nothing. It seems its all about what they can get & when they don’t they see no value or point in continuing (even in offering just crumbs). Its a hard pill to swallow & no amount of great self esteem when having met with some1 like this walks away unscathed. Its very few people who I feel can truly underst& what I have gone thru. Emotional Manipulation or abuse doesn’t leave visible scars & at times, people even question if its U who are indeed making a big deal about it. At least that’s how I feel. I hope u get thru this & i…
Wow! I’ve read this three times now, fantastic .you hit it on the head for me again…I sure needed this four years ago but I can really digest now. I have been in each scenario and I saw the truth but barged on ahead because of his push and pull behavior, instead of listening to my gut. I never became angry, If I ever hear from him again, I will be angry enough to tell him he definetely has the wrong number.
@jennynic….big hugs! have you tired meetup.com? check and see if they have them where you are…you do need to drop these freinds and just focus on socializing in group things…meetups are good for that I went to a great French conversation one today and a kind of lame one on Sunday but heh! one out of the two was fun. please stop beating yourself up….shitty friends are not better than no friends….
Vouching for Meetup.com. Good way to get out and meet different people without the pressure of finding someone on romantic terms. It may sound corny, but Meetup has helped me make a big turnaround in my life (and I’m an introvert with mild social anxiety tendencies!).
Wishing you the very best, jennynic. Take it easy & take care.
Sorry – slightly off topic compared to the thread but I just HAD to tell everyone – yesterday, after 19 months of no contact, 19 months of raging, crying, becoming addicted to this site, and finally recovering – I got the call I had been waiting for – Mr Asswipe! And it was HILARIOUS!
Firstly, I didn`t know who it was! He kept saying “It`s T! You know, T!” I was genuinely confused as I have another friend with the same name but it didn`t sound like him! He sounded quite put out that I didn`t even recognise his voice and wasn`t jumping up and down thrilled to hear from him!
Then after a cursory enquiry after my health he proceeded straight to asking me a stupid, work-related business question that ANYONE could answer – he certainly didn`t need to be calling me.
Then my senses kicked in as to who this really was, and everything that had happened between us, and I politely but firmly told him I couldn`t talk and just to put everything in an email to me. He was desperately trying to keep the call going, but I kept repeating myself and finally he gave up and hung up.
He sent the email and I replied “Sounds fine to me, good luck” – I thought of not answering it at all, but when I gently probed my feelings, I found that, other than amusement at the sheer brass balls of the man, I simply no longer had any! I didn`t even feel the need to be rude, snotty, or any of the other responses I had rehearsed over the months. I simply just felt above all of this, and polite and professional – nothing more.
All this from someone a year ago who was crying, begging and praying to God, allah, Buddha and anyone else with the influence to send me this phone call. But when I finally got it – I found it was a whole lot of nothing anyway!
Just want everyone to know you CAN recover from these experiences, and if/when he does try to weasel his way back in it is fantastic, not because he has got back in touch, but because you will finally realise you really couldn`t care less and you really are over it all!
Good luck everyone!
Gaman,
Good for you. Glad to hear your story. Just goes to show – after 19 month of frustration and grief, he decides to intrude into your life with eff all of any consequence to actually say, eff all of an apology for messing you around and eff all nothing to put on the table – just same old attention seeking pishy lot of nothing.
I have been “lurking” here for a long time, and the posts and comments have been a Godsend to get me through the last nearly 2 years. Now having “used” everyone here for so long I just wanted to give something back and let everyone know you CAN recover from this, with time, perspective and a LOT of straight talking with yourself. It also helps if they STAY under the rock they crawled under and let you work through it all!
About letting go, what I’ve found very helpful is this: doing things with my left hand that I usually do with the right one, this totally keeps me in the present moment. Just holding the PC mouse with my left hand (my right-hand index finger joint is inflamed anyway) is so grounding, I’ve started writing as well, what an exercise! This is also supposed to be very good for stimulating the right side of the brain, hence enhancing creativity. Everybody can do with more of that!
Also, in the same vein, letting go of several things simultaneously gives more momentum to the whole decision-making. Booting the AC is easier when coupled with giving up some other unhealthy habit.
I so love this site! I so admire this sense of humour and this talent for self-irony that many ladies here display through even the most awful stories! As Natalie points out so often, there are hidden lessons for the taking everywhere.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. I just started seeing someone new and I’m already freaking out that he’s going to find me boring, or how I’m going to screw it up somehow. Thanks for reminding me that I am not in control of what he thinks or does!! It’s so difficult to stay in the moment though when you are so giddy about someone new – any practical tips?
So angry and upset with myself today. Texted him last night after seven months of no contact. Of course, he didn’t answer.
I single-handedly violated nos. 2, 4, 5, 9, and 10 in one fell swoop. I’m left with that sickening pit-in-the-stomach punch of humilating myself, of the withdrawal of the drug I’m craving.
All this for someone who doesn’t care about me, who can’t end it like a man but instead chooses to ignore and disappear. I had all the proof I needed of code red behavior, disinterest and EU and it still wasn’t enough to keep me from going back for another kick in the teeth.
I’m disappointed because I thought I was actually doing well. Now, I’m wondering how many more times I have to humilate and degrade myself to get angry and over him.
I feel you blueberry girl 🙁
it happens… i do that to myself repeatedly (its hard for me to let go, detach). you should be proud of yourself however… 7 months! WOW thats great! I cant even make it past 10 days!! LOL
I do the same and feel humiliated whenever I reach out only to either get no response or when i passive aggressively reach out only to be met with a one liner (almost feels like: here let me respond to her and throw her a bone). The point is that we keep putting ourselves through this torture and in harms way. Thats why NC is NC! Because its like pouring salt on an old wound. We have to try to deal with self esteem and keep our own ego’s in check. I know that the validation HAS to come from ME not him (well my brain knows that) but for some reason (which im not 100% sure why) my heart or my ego can’t seem to be ok with it. I guess enough will be enough when it just simply is. For some its one time, for others 3 and for some, 10 years. We have to be brave and choose which one of those we want to be. I know its hard but dont beat yourself up- it only makes it worse. I wanted to respond because you are not the one who has done it (like i said, I only last 10 days!!! 🙁 and i was just sitting here literally sitting on my hands wanting to send him a text (sigh). I too feel like its a drug… maybe someone who is further along can shed some light and help us out as to what is the best way to deal when these urges come up. Why do we keep reaching out to the person who inflicted the pain and didnt care in the first place- why do we still care? In the meantime, you were and are doing well. Its a process, be kind and patient with yourself and try not to beat yourself up too much. Its just a text, tomorrow you will have another opportunity to make a different choice 🙂 The Universe is kind in that way but we have to be willing to CHANGE in order to get a different outcome and like NML said: we have to keep choosing to let go. Keep choosing that over and over until it just is.
Blueberry – I have been there too. After the AC disappearer, disappeared I sent a text (to test the waters) and just got a one line reply. It gave me a temporary high but that was it. A few weeks later I done it again, and it was the same thing just a temporary high feeling of being in contact with him. Then the sick feeling creeps in because you just know that you shouldn’t have done it, because he cannot validate you. Don’t beat yourself up, you’ll get over it, you just temporarily fell off the wagon, most of us here have although it took me 6 months. Be kind and patient with yourself and eventually it will be a distant memory. I used to think that I would never get over him and let go or that I had missed out on a golden opportunity. Now that I’m living my life for me again, I’ve become more optimistic and can see its possible to meet someone else. Only this time I will have boundaries and rather than keep my fears and concerns to myself I will voice them.
“…tomorrow you will have another opportunity to make a different choice The Universe is kind in that way but we have to be willing to CHANGE in order to get a different outcome…”
Well, after ignoring several overtures and invitations from the AC, after 2 months NC, I accepted an invitation to lunch. It was actually pretty revelatory… Apparently, all the crappy treatment was because he is harboring enormous anger against me from earlier in our relationship (between 2 and 6 years ago) when I will admit I was EU and a bit of an AC myself and going through a tough time that wasn’t much fun for him either. He claims he had both feet in then and he’s still nursing his hurt/anger… A normal person would have just been done with me but, no, he wanted to keep me as an option to spend time with/sleep with and punish me, too. And, I was insecure enough to let him demote me for far too long. Good lord! He as much as admitted he knew he was behaving abominably. I guess in his mind I deserved it. So, somehow, with this new information, I went out for another lunch and then drinks with him one eve to lend an ear about his work troubles. For which he thanked me – in a text. I rejected his advances wanting more when he called later that night but suggested we could have a friendly bbq over the holiday weekend. Low and behold he disappeared! LOL I know he’ll resurface when HE wants to make a plan at HIS convenience.
“Sometimes I ask “What’s changed?” because really, what’s the point in grabbing onto it again if all that’s changed is that your ego is having an off day and you’re scared of change? 9 times out of 10, nothing material has changed, it’s just that I felt like revisiting it and busting my proverbial balls.” Yep, definitely trying to salve my bruised ego and engaging in last chance saloon thinking, too, because I’m older and less visible to men than I was when I started with him.
“Drama will be a constant companion if you fritter away your life trying to convince someone to value you or want you in the way that you want them, or you try to change them, or you keep haggling like a used car salesperson that’s desperate to do a deal at all costs.” I had the sense to reject him and go NC for over 2 months – twice. Now, he seems to have stirred things up just to feel back in control and be the one to reject me – again. Ugh. I must…
Confused etc..,
Eventually with reading BR and letting Nat’s advice and wisdom really sink in, you do reach a point where the perceived misery of letting him go/letting it be feels like a much better deal than the relentless, depressingly predictable misery of being in contact with him. The tables do turn. You begin to appreciate that being in touch with him is way more painful than not being in touch with him.
When we do weeks or months of NC and then break it to send him a text only to get some one-liner (or nothing to speak of) in return, we finally get that sending any text (or similar) is actually worse than pointless (it’s also very lazy on our part and is juts drama seeking behaviour because, like him, if we really had something important and worthwhile to say we would be saying it to him personally and not merely ‘poking’ him with a text msg. to see if he’s still biting.
Doing this stuff results in more pain, more rejection and is much less painful than shutting the eff up, leaving it be and embracin acceptance and peace in your life.
One tip I used: When you think of making contact, get real about what response/consequence/reaction/outcome you are going to get. Think worst case (realistic!) scenario (as opposed to whatever wishful thinking you have dreamed up as a possibility). Are you up for another dismissal? Another rejection? Being ignored? Another meaningless one liner “politely dismissive” text message? Another trip down Misery Lane? When I considered the real result of sending him text and also that it was a very lazy/safe/avoidant way for me to communicate with him, I then stopped having any inclination to do it. What are you hoping to gain, is the question?
If we really want to break NC – we should put our money where our mouth is and go tell him what you want from him – face to face.
Not such a tempting prospect? Maybe cos we prefer to avoid the reality and to toy with the fantasy and the drama without having to actually get real about any of it.
Fearless,
This is so profound and honest, I printed your words and have tucked them in my purse for support.
“Doing this stuff results in more pain, more rejection and is much less painful than shutting the eff up, leaving it be and embracing acceptance and peace in your life.”
Amen, sister. I’m sick and low, regretting my drama-seeking behavior right now. Suck it and See is definitely in play here. The fire I revisited hurts exactly the same as it did months ago. So this is what a Dreamer getting real feels like.
How could I forget his supreme lack of effort & communication, inability to make the slightest plan or promise and impenetrable fortress of walls?
Nothing has changed. Nor will it. I’m throwing care and attention at someone who clearly doesn’t want or value it.
Your post is beautiful, Fearless. Here’s my current reality: I do not have the strength for another trip down Misery Lane.
Confused2,
“It’s just a text, tomorrow you will have another opportunity to make a different choice.”
You’re right, of course. I simply asked him if he was back in my state and added, “u are missed here.”
There’s more I haven’t mentioned because I am ashamed of my cowardice in handling this. I actually used my girlfriend’s phone to text him (my fear is so intense, I thought I could avoid rejection that way if he didn’t respond), so now he’s asking, “Who is this?”
ugh, how do I possibly explain myself now? Of course, I haven’t responded. I feel like a total fool.
Blueberry girl, please don’t beat yourself up about this for one more second. You went 7 months NC, that’s an amazing accomplishment and your one little text is like that one “giving into temptation” dessert you have after months of dieting. It’s just a slip, not a failure. Get back on NC and be GLAD he didn’t respond – you don’t need him and his drama in your life. You are doing very well in this difficult but ultimately life-empowering process of letting go. Hugs and blessings to you, you will make it.
blueberry girl, May I ask what prompted you to contact him after seven months of NC and what the subject of your text was? Not to get too personal but as per my comment below, I broke NC after 2 months…
I know I have to go back to choosing to get over it every day and just accept this as a learning experience to move on in the process of healing. I know that humiliated feeling but beating ourselves up is not esteeming and we need all the self esteem we can muster!
Thanks for the support, Confused2, FX, Stephanie, Fearless, & Silverbee.
Stephanie, it IS a temporary high and then comes the awful letdown. I was thrilled he responded then realized, duh, “But he doesn’t even know it’s you!” I’ve been following your posts about the disappearer. I know exactly how it feels to have someone do that to you; it rips your insides apart and sets you up for a painful obsession. “I used to think that I would never get over him and let go or that I had missed out on a golden opportunity.” I’m glad you are living your life for you now.
FX, what’s changed indeed? Nothing, to my knowledge. He’s not contacting me, telling me he’s stopped drinking, that he misses or wants to be with me…he’s full of pride, but that is no excuse.
Fearless, I loved this: “When I considered the real result of sending him a text and also that it was a very lazy/safe/avoidant way for me to communicate with him, I then stopped having any inclination to do it. What are you hoping to gain, is the question?”
I’m hoping he’ll bite and that I’ll be validated by his contact and my rejection, therefore, mitigated. But do I really, truly want to see his drinking, disappearing self? The answer is no. I’m scared as hell. Face to face is nigh near impossible anyway. I don’t know where he is. And that’s a huge problem in itself.
Silverbee, “It’s just a slip, not a failure. Get back on NC and be GLAD he didn’t respond – you don’t need him and his drama in your life.” That sums it up for most of us. I’ll chalk it up to a moment of boredom and weakness. Hugs and blessings back.
Oh ladies…I can so relate to the frustration of dealing w/someone who disppears! That just happened to me. Together 8 months. I thought everything was fine, then all of the sudden didnt’ hear from him. No reply to my texts or calls. Incredibly rude. How does a 51-year old man act like such a coward? You are right…disappearing just tears you up. At least man up and say it’s not working out for you. This time of rejection is the worst I think….you just get the rug pulled out from underneath you and are left to obssess about what the heck just happened. I just wanted to say I completely sympathize and love this site….it’s incredibly relevant and gives the best advice ever! Now if I would only follow it to at T! Hugs to all.
Mary, I am sorry for your pain. Please know it’s not about you as hard as that is to accept when the wound is still so fresh. It’s on him. It’s about him. What does disappearing tell you about his character? “Coward” is just the tip of the iceberg.
Stay strong.
Hi ladies, I have been reading this site for a while. It has absolutely been a Godsend for me. So much clarity. So here is my story:
I have been married with my husband for 12 years and we dated for 6 years. He was my first boyfriend and I met him since I was 15 years old. We three kids ( twins who are 1yr old and a 4 yr old.) I have had the blinders on for years and I feel that is it finally time for me to move on. He his a narcissitic person and extremely passive aggressive. I THOUGHT I WAS MENTALLY CRAZY !!!!!! Now looking back, the signs were all there. I was too blind, young , and caught in hope to recognize and see it. The truth of the reality really started to set in after I had my first child 4 years old. He lies about things he really doesn’t need to even when the truth sounds better. Financially this man has ruined me. I have NOTHING as a result of “trusting his good judgement”. He can never keep a steady job. He has a least 50,000 in student loans but doesn’t even have a Bachelor’s degree. I have a bachelor’s and a masters but that means nothing. Since I am basically supporting the entire household. He overpromises and always underdelivers. he will buy himself an expensive present for himself but last christmas brought me a water bottle. His family members think we are balling with money and I use to wonder why. well, I found out that he told them that he made at least 80k with bonuses ( completely false) In nature, I am a happy go lucky person, but when I am home, I feel like someone has buried me alive. He is a control freak which is weird because his life is constantly out of control ! He has the highest expectation for everyone else that he can not live up to himself. In 2005, he told me that his job was sending him on a training in Chicago (we live in another state). He would come home on the weekends. Come to find out when the job would not reimburse the $12,000 hotel fees/ air flight etc that he charged on my credit card , I found out that he really accepted a job position and got fired!!!!!!! Of course because he has never had any credit of his own, that was my card he was using. It’s 2012 and I still do not have any full details (I never do). He has OCD habits like when we go to restaurants, he tells the waiter to put exactly 3 ice cubes, etc… What really triggers his passive aggressive rage is when I voice my opinion about…
Charjay, just reading about what your husband has put you through stressed me out. I can’t imagine living it.
You deserve so much better than this. Why do you stay with a guy who is giving you grief?
“what’s the point in grabbing onto it again if all that’s changed is that your ego is having an off day and you’re scared of change? 9 times out of 10, nothing material has changed, it’s just that I felt like revisiting it and busting my proverbial balls.”
This last point really speaks to me, because over the course of the 10 months since I left the AC and started the real work on myself, I find I can slip into a phase of obsessively thinking about him again. I’m in one of those phases right now, and if I ask myself “What’s changed?” the answer is nothing…. except the fact that I’m super stressed due to other factors in my life. I have noticed that when things start to go wrong in some other area of my life, I come back to thinking about the AC. I can’t figure out if I’m doing this as a way to avoid my current problems, or because I’m fearful of change, and he represents the old me, and it’s comfortable to go back to the old me…I operated that way for so long. This new way is unfamiliar territory, even though I know that’s a very, very good thing. In fact, it’s essential to my happiness. Nat is spot on. This is a matter of me deciding every step of the way — even through tough times — that I am going forward. I will follow Nat’s advice and just shout to myself, “Let it go!”
Kerry, I can completely relate. Like you, I also slip into the obsessive thinking from time to time, and it’s always when I’m stressed or down about something else. It’s as if feeling down on myself about something awakens the old thoughts and feelings of being down on myself about HIM. This is something time alone will not fix. I know from experience, as its been many years since I’ve had any interaction with the AC. Until and unless we heal our self worth, we will be prone to revisit the past and beat ourselves up mercilessly.
Wide Awake, thank you for sharing that. It’s just so hard, isn’t it? Re-wiring my brain to think in a healthy manner is one of the most challenging things I’ve done in my life. It’s a daily battle against my old self. When I was having a meltdown about the AC a few months ago, my therapist said, “I can guarantee you that this has got nothing to do with your ex, and everything to do with your childhood. Those old wounds are hurting again.”
My mother was a really mean alcoholic who constantly reminded me I was worthless, shameful and could never measure up. She’s the reason I have never thought I deserved to be truly, wholly loved.
I wonder how many of us here were neglected or abused as children?
You’re absolutely right. Until we really heal we will continue to beat on ourselves. Until we believe powerfully in our own worth, we’ll forever long for destructive, toxic people to “love” us.
In order to heal, I have to fully accept that my mother did not love me like I needed because she didn’t know how — and that’s ok.
I don’t need to continue this search for another abuser who I can attempt to win over and convince I’m worthwhile. I can let it go.
Kerry, I think your therapist is right. These guys come to represent what’s broken in us. I was involved with 3 EUM/ACs in a row. The “good” guys I met in between the ACs did not interest me. In my case, I had an EUM father who caused my mother to fall into a breakdown/depression because of his behaviors. So all I saw growing up was that men are unavailable, selfish, distant and unreliable; women are sad and long suffering, never speak up/make demands, and that ultimately I was unworthy of time/love/attention from either of them. Is it any wonder I went “looking for love in all the wrong places?” I have a wonderful man now, but still struggle with feelings of low self worth, and still revisit my past for some more self abuse from time to time. Thanks to BR, I’m finally aware of what I’m doing and why, and working hard to heal once and for all so I can be more fully present in the wonderful life and relationship I have now. Work HARD on this. Do not let years go by like I have (although I did not have Natalie all those years to help me). She has truly given us a gift here.
Honestly this is one of my favorite posts.
I especially like 1,4 and 8 because it’s weird it’s like you are talking directly to me. Well, at least the way I used to be before I made some changes to my life.
1. I was always the sort of person who was too eager to get to the future. If things weren’t going the way I planned with a girlfriend, I would start to complain or try to make things go too fast which never really worked well for me.
4. I have always had the desire to please everyone I meet and if I ever got into some form of conflict for some reason, I would try to force them to like me. I never just knew when to stop.
8. All too well, I knew how to bottle up my emotions. I can actually say I had the capability of winning an Oscar. But honestly I was dying inside. To tell the truth, that’s just how most men are.
Okay I’ve pretty much realized that i’m probably the only man to comment on this post hahaha… and it’s probably pretty weird but this post was just so good and applied to both men and women so I just had to give my two cents.
Thanks Natalie…
BlueberryGirl: don’t be so hard on yourself. I would bet a majority of those posting here have fallen off the wagon, myself included. These guys truly mess with your mind. I know – thought I was losing mine more than once. Get right back on, look ahead, not back and don’t punish yourself. This man doesn’t deserve you and send him that message through NC – day 1 going forward.
Thanks, FinallyDidIt.
Love the name, btw. Yes, I feel like I’m losing my mind because I know he is back in my area for work and…nothing. So all the bulls**t about “I’ll be back, I always come back, it’s definite, ” meant just that, nothing.
Just knowing he’s here, somewhere, is unnerving me. I’m messing with my own mind after he’s long been done messing with it.
Thanks for the good thoughts: “This man doesn’t deserve you and send him that message through NC – day 1 going forward.”
Finally, and Confused2, I’ve had a very similar experience as yours. I wanted
to understand (got the Phd in his behavior), be Florence Nightengale, be the
exception to the rule, and bet on the potential. He was in all ways exceptional
except for the most important way, he did not give and did not need emotional support. My Math Professor has, as I now know, Aspberger’s Syndrome. He had no mean bone in his body. He did not use, exploit me,
lie to me, he enjoyed my company as much as he could anyone’s. We had
many similar unusual interests. I think perhaps your men too just are not
capable of feeling traditional love/emotional connectedness-nor do they want to. This is their behavior, not malicious, but yes self absorbed. Not
intentionally rejecting, just incapable of handling emotional demands.
After many years and experiences I realize and you must too, as NML
pounds in our heads, it has nothing to do with us. They probably have no clue the hurt and damage they do to our psyches, but they can not handle a relationship. It’s just not in their nature.
And as Polly said, it doesn’t matter what the reason (diagnosis, messed up family past, his issues ) is, the bottom line is he can’t nurture you emotionally for the long haul. Very tough to accept when you want to work things out and do the normal give and take and conflict resolutions
of a healthy growing relationship. I keep telling myself, accept the thing I can not change. Give to someone who wants to receive, and give back.
Im stuck in #8!!!! I’ve been in a business where I’ve work with people and give them possible advices, I need to start listening to my own advices!!!! I’m a very stong person emotionally and I guess I tend to keep emotions to myself…but after reading this article, I’ve realized…I’m not perfect, I can’t keep emotions to myself……so the other night…I let out all my anger and frustrations to the one person that should’ve not heard it……but thank goodness…..he didn’t mind listening!!!
Learn some more emotional descriptors that extend beyond the word ‘hurt’.
Natalie, I wonder if you would write more on this topic?
I noticed this weekend in an interaction with a friend that I kept thinking “hurt”, but I don’t really know what I was feeling. I probably repress my anger a lot, because of past violence and am so afraid of being “out of control” again, but maybe there’s a whole host of other things that I have never been able to articulate.
I observed a recent interaction between my parents that pretty much sums up what I was taught about feelings.
Dad: “You know, I sure do feel like ______.”
Mom: (disapprovingly) “No you don’t,” or, “You’d better not!”
over and over again
No wonder I repress stuff!
My husband soon to be ex, tells me the same thing. When I try to tell him how I feel about something, he says that the can’t respond because my feelings are not “justified” and that I don’t have any substance to feel the way that I feel. It took me a while to realize that I don’t have to prove my feelings in order for someone to acknowledge them. I am not a robot. I was raised by a single mom ( who did the best she could ) but she was extremely strict. I was never allowed to express my feelings. Every as an adult now, she never knows how I really feel because she flies off the handle if I dare say anything contradictory towards what she is saying.
I don’t know if I am dating an ass clown. He doesn’t cheat on me, but everything is at his pace. I see him once a week at his leisure. We don’t do much for fun other than go grocery shopping or watch a movie at his place. He likes to communicate by text, however I have encouraged him to call more which is now does. We have been seeing each other off and on for 1.5 yrs and haven’t moved past the once a week hook up. He gets quite grumpy from day to day life, sleeps ALOT, and doesn’t really make me feel all that special i guess I am hanging in because it is better than nothing. I like the sex and the cuddles and I am trying to just let it go and let it be what it is, but I find myself lonely for connection and craving genuine affection. Am I needy? I just don’t know what normal is anymore because 90% of the men my age in my community seem to want this sort of a relationship. Most of them want to also see other ladies, so with my guy at least I don’t have that going on. He says he loves me and makes these plans for trips camping “when we retire”, but he also says he needs a lot of alone time. I am ok with not getting together during the week as I am tired too, but I would like to see him more on the weekend and have some fun…Am I on the right site for this type of relationship problem? I am confused.