An acquaintance realised that she was getting what she wished for when she found herself dumped and alone on her birthday. Her then-boyfriend was typically twitchy about committing to having breakfast with her the following day and could be damn-near hostile about hanging out with her friends and family, tending to bail on events or cause drama afterwards. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that no matter how fabulous she was, he wasn’t going to be chomping at the bit to settle down, never mind make her feel special on her birthday. It wasn’t his inclination or his typical pattern of behaviour.
How the hell did this happen?, she wondered. From her perspective, she was the doting, patient, loving girlfriend who saw beyond his ‘quirky’ ways to his potential. She couldn’t understand what she was doing wrong and why each boyfriend had an allergy to commitment.
And then she realised something: each boyfriend had been what she wanted at that time.
This guy was muscly, tick, very good looking, tick, gave her butterflies, tick, ‘spontaneous’, tick (she never knew when he was going to show up or when he was going to pull a Houdini, plus he tended to expect her to drop everything), great in bed, tick, and had a good job, tick. This was what she found attractive and she went out with variations of the same guy in different packages, always trying to meet their needs in the hope that they would meet hers.
As usual, she had got what she was looking for, it’s just that she didn’t like what else it came with.
She hadn’t realised that her type is also moody, ambivalent, prone to selfishness, passive aggressive and reluctant to take responsibility.
Her thinking is highly common. It’s the underlying belief that you base your relationships around what attracts you, fall in love and then, shazam, everything else falls into place.
The reality: what she’s been attracted to is all well and good but none of those things have anything to do with 1) compatibility (character and direction) and 2) her emotional needs being met.
We think, for instance, that somebody having a ‘good job’ fulfills our need for security but how secure are we going to feel if the relationship is unstable, we’re constantly doubting ourselves and we’re pretending to have less needs than we do in an effort to avoid scaring them off?
She fell into that relationship pothole where we assume that what we’re into has something to do with how much we’ll enjoy the relationship and how best to meet our needs.
She’d also figured that when she was ready to settle down, the same type that she’d been having fun (and heartache) with for all of these years would spontaneously combust into being relationship-ready.
Be careful what you wish for.
If you want to have your space and not allow anybody in so that you can be emotionally unavailable, there’s plenty of people out there that will give you this — and you will feel more alone than you ever have. You’ll have so much space, you’ll wonder if there’s an actual relationship.
If you want somebody to fill your daddy (or mommy) needs, take it from someone who knows, you’ll get it… and then act like a child while handing over all of your power. You will wind up feeling terrified of abandonment and believing that you’re not ‘good enough’ all over again.
If you want somebody to be in charge and tell you what to do and think, there’s a shady, controlling-type out there ready to hijack your life and put you into a doormat costume — and you will lose (and hate) yourself due to the lack of control you have over your own identity and life.
Be careful what you specify and be careful of what you insist is your ‘type’ because unless you’re saying, ‘My type is someone who treats me with love, care, trust and respect’, your type is a blind spot.
Dating and relationships help you to develop the necessary skills of discernment and refinement.
We all have ideas about what’s attractive, what it takes to make a relationship and how best to meet our emotional needs, and it’s through our relationships that our assumptions, ideas and expectations are put to the test.
Your experiences of not getting what you truly need and want aren’t saying, ‘You’re a f-up. You’re not good enough. It’s all your fault’.
Your experiences of not getting what you truly need and want are telling you to go back to the drawing board and challenge your thinking even if it takes you out of your comfort zone. Your experiences are inviting you to see something that you couldn’t see before so that you can get closer to who you are and where you’re truly headed.
You quite simply can’t get what you don’t look for or prioritise.
Expand your horizons.
The truth is, sometimes we don’t ask for much because we’re afraid we’re not worth it, and once we compassionately examine the untruths behind this belief that’s governing our choice, we can raise our standards. By valuing us for who we really are, we stop matching ourselves with relationships that either don’t dig too deep beyond the surface or that reinforce negative beliefs that aren’t serving us.
Ultimately, you can be attracted to somebody for any reason you like but make sure that what attracts (and keeps) you, as well as what you prioritise, matches the type of relationship you say you want.
You don’t get substantial, meaningful relationships out of superficial or light content.
Your thoughts?
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I have been doing things wrong. My BR skills has helped me to spot EUMs, fastforwarders and creeps within first a or second date, and sometimes even before getting it off the internet. And I have no issues flushing, if anything my hand is permanently hovering on the flush button.
My issue is, why am I attracting them? What in my profile does invite all these disyfunctional and emotionally cold people? I have decent photos if anything they are on the serious side, I have stability in my life and career, I put it clear that I am looking for emotional connection and not superficial attraction and that I am after mutual love, care, respect and trust. Which part of any of this screams “EUMs contact me please!” So frustrating!
Isn’t that taking a bit too much credit for the dating pool? You can’t go on a dating site or app and only attract available people who fit with what you need and want in a relationship. Part of dating and your personal growth is the discernment and refinement. It is being OK with saying no. It’s opting out and not beating yourself up for it. Life is a funny fecker, something I explain in this podcast episode about Professor Life. If you have a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships, once you begin to break the pattern, life will throw you pop quizzes to test out how serious you are but also to help build mental fortitude. You learn not to take certain things more personally.
I would also say that it’s fine to say that you’re looking for emotional connection but… I hate to break it to you, some people don’t know what that means or they have blind spots about their own availability. It is important to have attraction, to find the person likeable and interesting and whether they have the qualities to be emotionally connected is something that you discover over time.
Thanks Natalie as always for being spot spot on and for your support on this journey. It’s so helpful to know we are not alone and can make progress working through this stuff. You’re the best!
Its not what type of man you attract..there will be many .. It’s what you accept..
I have seen and heard of people who by in large the worst of which just mass message. It’s a numbers game to them. They don’t have good character or respect in general why would they respect your stated wishes? Some of them might take that as you being a harder target so to speak and ignore you. Some might take that as a challenge.
As always it’s not a good idea to live your life trying to control others reactions.
It’s not personal to them so it’s nothing you are doing wrong. Their circus and their monkeys.
You seem to have a good handle on spotting them and not wasting time regretting dropping people. I know it’s frustrating because it takes time away from possibly finding the right person or just simply enjoying life but it is what it is.
The bottom line in looking for a romantic partner is that you have to be attracted to them. I’ve had several great men in my life whose company I enjoyed that I’ve found myself wishing I could be attracted to them – but I couldn’t. And conversely, I’ve been attracted to several men who appeared to be great but who sooner or later showed their true colors as EUM. It’s a riddle. Maybe it’s nature’s way of ensuring we don’t all reproduce.
Yes… and no. Attraction is what distinguishes a romantic relationship from say a friendship but the bottom line in relationships, including in attraction, is core values. That’s what deep attraction and intimacy is founded upon. We can get on with people, find them likeable and blah blah, but that doesn’t mean that we should sleep with or marry them. It doesn’t mean that we have to be attracted to them, even if we wish that we were. If we look at whose company we enjoy, it turns out we’re capable of enjoying the company of plenty of people but the basis on which we’re enjoying that company might not be representative of something deep and even if we have a close relationship with someone, in order for a romantic relationship to work, it would need compatibility (shared character and direction i.e core values) and your emotional needs being met. Learn from each side of the relationship street. Do some digging on what attracted you with those men who “appeared to be great” — that in itself is a clue. It’s understanding what constitutes great so you can point your internal GPS in the right direction. People ultimately unfold. It’s not that these men changed; you just got to know them.
True Natalie, it’s not that they changed, I just got to know them. The most recent one for instance, I had known for a few months and the attraction took me by surprise. The usual physical type I go for, tall and broad. Confident and funny. But otherwise not my type at all, a bit of a dork in ways. I simply observed, kept the attraction at bay despite opportunities to indulge. Lo and behold, the push-pull aspect of his character emerged, and the abrasive behaviour with which I am so familiar. Because I wasn’t emotionally or sexually invested, I could just nod and keep going. Who would have thought that connecting emotionally and sexually with a decent man would be like finding a needle in a haystack. If I’m honest, I’ve stopped looking. That quest has taken enough of my time and energy. It’s all so random.
Recently experienced someone trying to manage my expectations while citing that they were doing better than the very low bar they set initially. By the low bar it had improved but not to an acceptable place dynamic wise and it sure was not meeting my stated directly needs in some ways.
Thanks to Nat I set that person very straight about having one standard of decent treatment and not comparing them to their very low previous one. Whilst I did acknowledge improvement; not sure I will bother waiting to see more. I think the improvement is giving me hope of one day it will be good enough but the amount of effort & time to get to that point has been ridiculous.
My issue, I settled for guys I wasn’t attracted to physically. Because I thought in my head I was fussy.
But doing this didn’t ensure the guys were any good – I had a silly belief that I was better with someone “unattractive” because he would shine in all the important ways.
Instead, one especially, emotionally abused me about my weight etc, when he himself had rotten teeth and similarly his own deficits which I would never bring up.
I know don’t overlook those things. This is a weird thing to be writing out, because we all want to encourage people to not be judgemental of looks. This time I will be, if I’m open for judgement, like men seem to do to me, then I will make sure I like most things about a guy’s looks, and that he likes me just as much.
Being single, I’ve felt better – it’s been 15 months now I’ve been single, I’ve liked the attention from some men, purely based on my looks (my breasts, figure etc), yes I know it doesn’t mean any value to me, but it certainly has given me an ego boost over feeling judged so much. And maybe it’s just a tactic to get laid, but being in a relationship where I sacrifice things because I’m accepting of a man despite his looks, has not worked for me, and has damaged me.
Looks + character etc will always be my priorities now.
If a man has rotten teeth I won’t go past go. Big red flag, that indicates that he doesn’t value himself enough to care abut himself. That also means he wouldn’t care about a woman. God the thought of rotten teeth meh.
He couldn’t afford the dental costs, and apparently it was hereditary problem not the fact he was lazy. I chose to ignore it because he was a lovely person, I also had a child with him. He’s my child’s father. He also doesn’t have anything to do with his child… So I made a hug every mistake, one which doesn’t affect just myself.
But because of my father, I didn’t know what a man was and once I fell in love with him, I was stuck. We weren’t even living together. I still don’t have any other knowledge about men, because I’ve never met one that was good. That’s why I’m here now, trying to learn.
Also he is 8 years older than me.
I disagree! My lovely man had rotten teeth, due to growing up poor and neglected. He was frightened of the dentist as an adult. One day I asked him very gently why he had never had them fixed, as he was movie star handsome otherwise. Fast forward 18 months later, and he has a gorgeous smile along with everything else!
Also, looking back at my last long relationship 15 months prior to today, it’s so easy to see that I was attracted to something very different than I am now, or at least I learnt to settle, on those things.
I was attracted to EU men yes, ones who couldn’t take a deep interest in getting to know me for who I am despite my yearning to know him very deeply, didn’t want to spend much time with me, didn’t want to live with me, left quickly after sex after being in a committed relationship over 6 years, put friends before me, didn’t celebrate occasions, walked out during arguments, would do the silent treatment.
My father was like this, and there is just a repeat of choosing men who offer nothing and me trying to get their attention, like a little girl trying to win her dad.
I’ve read most of these posts on BR and I’m learning, it’s been the best thing I’ve done being single.
To find a man who is emotionally available would feel so nice I think, the woman in my life are the people I lean on. For me, sadly, I can’t reach that level of anything with men. I can’t find a man who has any benefits such as proper friendship, support, interest in me, etc.
I’ve been hurt so badly by the way I’ve let men be in my life. I was a virgin until 24, no man has ever “ used me for sex”, I’m intelligent and well educated, I’m loving and thoughtful and helpful. But men are so disrespectful and whatever to me, it’s grcause I see them as a challenge like my father, instead of walking away.
I have a male friend who only contacts me to talk about the weather (as in when there is a national weather crisis in my area, he will email “Are you okay, I saw on the news…” type of lazy convo at that time only). He only will discuss conversations he is comfortable discussing. I have known this for awhile, but today I realized he is acting stupid and why am I also acting dumb by emailing him back when I get these crumbs from him. We haven’t had a meaningful conversation for a long time, as he is “uncomfortable” sharing any feelings, and I wonder, why am I putting up with this?
I started talking to him again after a very long time, we used to be quite close. I found him (neither of us are on Facebook), and his first wife had just died, so I kept my distance for a few more years. Later, I did contact him later, he was happy I called, and it was so much fun catching up. Now, it is crumbs, lazy communication and he defaults to talking about his present wife’s day at work no less! I actually had to tell him, I am not interested in his wife’s work a day problems and co-worker drama, and he still sneaks in this info into our conversation by email (he never calls). Oh yeah, his wife has the codes to his smartphone, emails at work and private emails. I told him that that was all I needed to know. He said, “oh, she doesn’t read the emails, she just wants to know that she can and it makes her feel good, so that she never needs to.” What the what?
I did a NC starting from the New Year. I said Happy New Year and didn’t bother to email after that. He didn’t either. Today I get a long email from him about our floods locally (we are fine), and oh yeah, back to his wife’s drama. I wish I had not tried to have a friendship with him again, because he thinks a friendship is a dumping ground for his problems and not a substantive relationship – which I don’t think he knows how to have, has no interest in having (as that does take some work and skill), or is too lazy to care what is going on with my life really (I don’t care what is happening with me, from a father passing to a job loss, all he says is “You’ll be fine in the end,” or “Yeah….good times.”).
I had another male friend, same closeness and I tried to contact him a while back as well. He was EXTREMELY happy to hear from me (we actually used to work in WTC in the 1990’s before the loss), but he has too many kids from different women, and told me he did so much love to hear from me, but he is living with someone and can’t keep up a correspondence right now. I never heard much from him again, and I was not actually hurt by it. I totally understood. Tonight, I think I need to let my amateur weather guy go as well. I am tired of wishing to get more from him. It will never get any better than this. Thanks Nat for the post, I feel strangely happy right now, I am sure I need the peace of mind to stop wishing for more from this guy.
Oh Natalie, I miss your podcast so much. But thank you for taking the time and continuing the blog posts. Your perspective on so many things is truly enlightening. I’m still recovering (somehow) from being ghosted by an ex (3 years already) this past January with whom I’d resumed a friendship with that at the time, seemed promising. It was almost as if I was friendship future faked!
I hope that one day, I run into you by some weird chance to thank you in person for all that your work has done for me.
This is spot on. The man I thought was perfect for me, my soulmate was just a list of things that I mentally checked off. Handsome,tick. Muscular,tick. Smart,tick.Outgoing,tick.Funny,tick. Comfortable w/my parents,tick. Amazing in bed, tick. Sounds marvelous but the list of what he wasn’t is long. In my mind I struggled with trying to maintain that he was this man and always would be if I worked hard enough to keep him happy. Sadly I didn’t realize how he was breaking me down because my needs were not being met. I knew what I wanted and kept waiting for him to change – never happened. I lived in a fantasy world where he would suddenly become spontaneous and whisk me away for a fun weekend. I lived for his flirty texts that made me feel special but disappeared quickly once he had caught me. I’ve pushed him out of my life and because I simply don’t have the energy anymore and deserve better. I need someone who will make things about me – I refuse to take care of a selfish narcissistic man again.
I can absolutely relate to your feelings. And I empathise with you. We all have our lists, and these people who come into our lives very often tick many of those boxes.
I’ve often thought that by throwing in the towel because someone doesn’t tick ALL the boxes is being too picky, too fussy, too sensitive, too much of a perfectionist. And so on. After all any connection requires compromise. And no one is perfect. And accepting someone, for all their flaws, is a part of loving right?
However, what I’ve had to reinforce over time, and even right now when I write this, is that there are some things which are non-negotiables, where you really cannot compromise. And that includes treating someone with kindness, respect, empathy, understanding and being accountable for actions. Without those core values, no matter how good the connection or chemistry, you’re just building a house of cards that could come crashing down at any point.
It’s galling to think that such basic but fundamental values aren’t important to everyone, but I guess part of being a realist and not just living in a fantasy is accepting that for what it is. And acceptance, as opposed to resistance, is all part of healing and growing as a person
Trevor you are right that it is all about core values as that is what compatibility and building a relationship is about. I have 3 things that are non negotiable; honesty, integrity and fidelity. I am accused of having a list but to be honest I have other qualities that mirror mine that are also important. My 3 non negotiables are deal makers or breakers as those are my core values. With honesty comes respect to self and others, integrity is about treating others well and having enough about the person to be aware of the consequences of actions on others and fidelity is as it is. I don’t compromise on those 3 values. If that is a list then so be it but having those in mind is a starting point for me.
Feisty, that’s a mighty fine set of non-negotiables!
Trevor- I think once you have been through something that crushes your self esteem and makes you questions people’s emphathy, your virtual list that you have made for people changes. You do find that you are more selective and picky. Personally I don’t want to go through any of the drama and suffering again. I work daily to try and not compare this man with certain things. Even other men that look like him because of his job trigger me. With his narcassitic personality , I honestly do not think he sees that he hurts me. He’s just bouncing around doing his thing. I couldn’t take the ignored texts and the shady times. No trust. He has no clue of how lucky he was to have me because of my kindness, patience, and love. He will never find someone that will put up with his crap for as many years as I did. He would have to retrain someone and he’s gotten to an age where he won’t do it. He’s older than me by 12 years btw.
So, with my list that I had with check marks and sunshine’s and excitement I burn it . I was so close to finding the man of my dreams and wasted years thinking he would be perfect and we would be together and get married. Nope. I’m rebuilding slowly and doing my best to realize that he’s NoT good enuff and not worth my time. I will find someone who cares about me and really values me and all I do. You will also find that person Trevor.
Galaxy, you stay strong and look after yourself. It’s particularly tough when hopes and dreams are dashed, or they turn out not to be the person you thought or hoped. And what makes it a bitter pill to swallow is when there was so much potential. I’ve never known whether to buy into: “they didn’t change, you just got to know them”. I question this because I really do believe people are capable of changing, and people are capable of self-growth. That’s only if they have the desire (like all of us here, albeit for different reasons than EUs or ACs).
But unless has the desire to change, then I agree with you, they absolutely are not worthy of your love and patience and care. Maybe all along they know they’re not good enough and can therefore stay safe and take us for granted so easily.
All the best on your journey, Galaxy
I really love this post. I always say I’m looking for “smart, kind, funny – the trifecta” – how they show these attributes can vary, but if they don’t hit all three or can be flat out the opposite – they get dropped. It keeps things pretty simple and straightforward. Of course other things matter like chemistry, but if they can’t start out with these 3 basics, they don’t get to make it to the next stage, no excuses.
Like my 3 non negotiables as well. If they don’t have these they don’t get past first base.
The guy I found had everything I was looking for, and he played me. He had another side, another life … I don’t trust him anymore even though he wants to keep a foot hold in my life. He disappears and won’t answer texts for weeks after claiming he will change. It’s been about 2 months and all I got was a text saying his boss makes him work midnight hours now, and he would explain to me when he called. No call. No other info. These qualities were not on my list when I met him. When you look at this man he is extremely educated, well liked, handsome, and outgoing. Beneath all of that is a broken little boy that I tried to save. Instead it broke me and my hope for happiness.
Daja, as you say, these people have all the qualities we’re looking for. Or so we might think. But when we take the rose-tinted glassses off, and stop lying to ourselves, it soon becomes apparent that maybe that don’t have everything we were looking for and wanting. And maybe they, but not us, knew this all along…
As you say, it’s easy to hide behind good looks, charisma, intelligence, a great career. But these attributes don’t stop someone from being broken or wounded deep down. And whilst it’s selfless to want to help or fix these people, unless they actively want that, you’re only going to break yourself in the process, as you say.
Hi Nat! Once again…its like I’m feeling a certain way or thinking about something… I go to baggage reclaim to check your blog and there you are with your words of wisdom on EXACTLY a topic I’ve been struggling with etc. You’re an inspiration to me for a long time now and I just want to say thank you and I hope you are well. I hope your paths meet again as you are, in my eyes, an earth Angel 🙂 Thank you 🙂
My question is how do you let go of a man that you know wasn’t good enough, and couldn’t give you what you wanted when you wanted but he is so charming and is like a drug? I find it hard to stop texting him daily. It’s a 1 sided conversation for a month now. We have had a rollercoaster pattern where every few months he shows up and it feeds my addiction and he disappears … many years of this and I’m at the point where I want to not reach for the phone and not desperately want to hear from him. Any advice ?
I found a feelings journal very helpful. The journal was an outlet for my obsession as well as a place to reflect on my feelings. I kept it on my phone so I could journal instead of texting him whenever my obsession started taking over.
The goal is to become aware of and then change your pattern of thinking that cause you to reach out to him even though you know you won’t get the result you want. Right now when you have a spare moment your mind drifts back to him. Next thing you know, you’ve sent yet another text. This is what has to change: the thoughts behind the behavior. I tried and failed with No Contact three times before I was finally able to stay away from him. I was only successful once I was able to identify my thoughts leading up to the desire to text.
Have you done any reading on Mindfulness? I haven’t tried it myself but I know several people who swear by it.
Next month it will be three years since he initiated “the campaign”. Of course that is hindsight. At the time, I was falling under the spell of his compliments, attention, the sparkling eyes and smile: to say nothing of his body.
It was more than a year before the relationship became physical. Finally! That lasted for 2 months. Then it all went to gaslighting,
projecting and blame shifting. Well, I should say almost all because he threw in enough sporadic attention, flirting, and encounters to keep me hooked.
If I could have the proverbial nickel for every time I ruminated about why did he change. He cared so much, where did it all go? Yes: he didn’t change, I just got to know him. While I can accept this cognitively I have a difficult time accepting it emotionally.
He is textbook narcissist. He puts on a good show when he is motivated. Otherwise, I could fall off the face of the earth and he would not even blink.
I have been NC for three months. In truth this was initiated by him because he never contacted me after our last interaction. However, I am giving myself credit for not texting, not calling and scheduling around him so I don’t have to come face-to-face. To be face to face- he would either charm me if so inclined and the cycle would start all over again. Or, he would have no interest. I don’t know which would be worse.
So, I am sticking with no contact. Additionally I am making a major life changing move so that I don’t have to see him everyday. Just seeing him reignites how much and why I miss him. It is visceral.
Once I am released from seeing him everyday it is my hope that time will heal; or at least help. I can’t imagine that NC and distance can be bad for me.
“Being accountable for actions” jumped out at me. He never has been and I chose, consciously and/or subconsciously to gloss over this. I also glossed over multiple marriages, children, already two subsequent relationships, and significant religious differences.
As others have posted, I think I’m going to take a break from men and focus on the major change I’m undertaking. I studied French for years and am carving out an hour everyday to refresh my conversation skills. Several posters have mentioned the age variable. He is eight years younger.
“Change what you can and accept what you cannot.” I’m trying so hard.
That was well written MillionReasons. I want to be where you are at some point. The gentlemen in my world is also a narcassist and I never knew what that was until reading this blog and others.
Mine roped me in with flirty texts for years. We never got physical until years later and that’s when he started to disappear more. The last time I saw him was as usual – he wanted something. I hadn’t seen him in months and he worked up the liquid courage to text me and say he wanted to have dinner with me. Needed a ride though. But I did because I knew the only way to talk to him was in person. I will say that he does appear to hold onto memories of us that he truly does care about because he will bring them up when he gets upset or nostalgic. I think he is a good man deep down but the narcassitic qualities outweigh the good. As you mentioned, if I dropped off the earth he wouldn’t notice until he needed something. Right now he’s ghosting me after we spent some time together, and he said he would call me and explain some things. He never called. That’s his norm. I’ve gotten to the point where I refuse to settle even tho I thought he was the guy I wanted. It’s difficukt not seeing him text me and want to see me. I think he gets off on controlling the silence between us so when I stop texting and heal, he fishes for me again. Exhausting. Tough to heal from this , and I’m working hard to remember the list of negatives about this man each time I want to text him. Good job Million — keep it up!
Hello Galaxy,
“I want to be where you are at some point.”
Not today, or this past weekend you don’t. After working so diligently (once it became clear he was not going to be a gentleman the last morning after), I saw him face to face Friday evening. Thought I would show some grace and at least greet him politely. His response was perfunctory.
” Mine roped me in with flirty texts for years.”
They sure know how to do this, I think many of them have read the same book, or are just programmed that way; or both; or more.
“We never got physical until years later and that’s when he started to disappear more.”
Identical here! This was a new pattern to me.
“The last time I saw him was as usual – he wanted something. I hadn’t seen him in months and he worked up the liquid courage to text me and say he wanted to have dinner with me. ”
In my case it was money. Have to say I appreciated your term “liquid courage”. That applied here too.
” Right now he’s ghosting me after we spent some time together…”
Oh yes, the ghosting after the encounter. The initial ghosting lasted three days, now we have gone long past days; into weeks and now months. That is with usually, but not currently, a little of that intermittent reinforcement thrown in. In my weaker moments, I think maybe he is “overwhelmed” or “complicated”. In my stronger moments, he is manipulative and callous.
“I think he gets off on controlling the silence between us.”
I am considering that “mine” can feel either out of control or somehow inferior in some way(s) and exploits me because he knows he can.
I don’t even register with him anymore. I guess if I could ask him one question it might be along the lines of why did he even bother.
Thank you for your encouragement. Just that one little trigger from him and I think I could crawl under the covers for the entire week.
Hi Stephanie – I appreciate your reply to my comment . I’ve often sat saying out loud everything that upsets me about him. His lack of empathy at times really stirs me up. I found I cannot talk to him on the phone because he is always multitasking and I never know if he’s truly listening so confrontation regarding what’s bothering me is very difficult. He will see a text and refer to it via phone conversation but never reply. Unless it’s on his terms and benefits him. He has gotten worse over the years and I don’t understand why a man would treat me like this. Is this his true side? He acts like I’ll always just accept what he is and never question it. If this is what he has become, and this is who he truly is I cannot deal with it. I’m an empathetic person and I admit to trying to always help him and make things better for him, but now it’s too much. His disappearing makes me crave him more to see if he’s okay but what’s the use? He doesn’t randomly text me like he used to with jokes etc. it’s old hat. The journal will help me really sort out everything . I know it’s not going to show him in a new light.
I def have to raise my standards. I spent 7 years with an EUM, I was never a priority…never. I was at the bottom of his priority list for literally 7 years, and accepted crumbs the entire time. I was starving to be loved. I came out of that, found this site, and worked so hard to be more aware and change my way of thinking. I knew I needed to be a priority in my next relationship. This relationship completely eroded my self esteem, I literally had to work to build it back up. I’ve spent the last almost 8 years single since then. My dating experiences have been pretty terrible. Just more unavailable men, despite me working to avoid these types of people. I feel like every time I meet someone and they “unfold”, there’s always something. Some “ex” they’re trying to sort out, a complicated separation they’re in the midst of, etc. I decided the last year or 2 having been unsuccessful at meeting anyone decent that I was just going to focus on having fun in my life and being single, no pressure, just get to know people etc. I’ve had some fun, however these situations have left me completely feeling like just an “option” to these guys. Clear as day, that’s all I am. So in turn, I’m not sure “just having fun” is really for me. Having guys virtually disappear to pop back in 2-3 months later and keep doing this doesn’t leave one feeling very special. I was also used as a one night stand, which felt terrible (and I do take responsibility here as I signed up for some “fun”). However, I didn’t even feel like a person after not hearing a word from this guy since, and feel like myself esteem is once again taking a HUGE hit. I don’t know what to do anymore. I look for guys who I find attractive, with good qualities but I seem to fail at this every time, with every one. I’ve been alone for so long now that I don’t know how to NOT settle for crumbs b/c it’s either that or starve. When you’ve been alone for so long without so much as a hug, boy do you feel empty inside. You’re just yearning for someone to give a shit about you. And when I don’t settle for crumbs, I’m perpetually alone…for YEARS. Which is equally as painful. I just don’t have answers anymore. I don’t want to settle, it makes me feel like shit and I shouldn’t have to settle. But I’ve been alone for so many years now that I don’t want to be perpetually alone for life. I’m attractive, good job, kind, giving, empathetic, fun. I just don’t get it.
Tyla,
I feel your pain. Been alone for a gazillion years, so I know the feeling all too well.
You said:
“I was starving to be loved…
You’re just yearning for someone to give a shit about you.”
The truth is, you’re still starving to be loved. Do YOU give a shit about you, though? As long as you’re looking for someone to show you that you matter, bending, trying different approaches, making it ‘easier’ by sticking on the ‘I’m just looking for some fun’ label, you’re still trying to ‘earn’ your right to be loved and find someone who’ll convince you that you’re important. You rightfully want a relationship where you’ll be a priority – but are YOU your priority? Do you feel like you matter even if nobody else seems to give a damn?
This alone time isn’t a ‘paying forward’ scenario, where, after enduring a certain number of years alone, you earn a ‘prize’ of a great guy and great relationship. This time-out is a chance to fall in love with yourself and build a great relationship with you, and then other relationships will align with your new attitude.
Keep reading BR and exploring that little girl inside who’s yearning love – YOUR love, first and foremost. You matter, and you’re important, just because you’re you. (((hugs)))
Pangea,
Thank you for your kind words. Very good point you make that this “alone” time isn’t a road to a guarantee of a “prize” at the end! I think I prob still need to work on not seeking acceptance from external sources, for sure. I feel like I’ve worked CRAZY hard on this since leaving my EUM. Trust me, I’ve been reading this site for years! I read Natalie’s book about the Fallback Girl (which was totally me, prob still is, maybe not to the extent that it was back then). But I do recognize and have learned over the course of the last several years that my emotional needs were never met when I was a kid, growing up. My family was always about the women taking care of the mens needs, and our needs didn’t exist. So, I do realize that this is my adult life. Taking care of men, being there for them, being kind, being empathetic, being supportive, being available…and my needs again don’t exist. I’m very aware of this, and think I still struggle to make myself a priority in these situations and if they don’t reflect that, I obviously need to walk away. It’s hard. And I know we all have “stuff” we’re trying to work out. But man, this feels like an endless battle for me. I almost feel like I need to learn to let go, enjoy life, and care about this a lot less. But companionship with someone good and decent is really important to me and I want it in my life. But you’re right, I gotta make ME a priority or no one else will.
Hang in there, we’ll all find our happiness 🙂 x
Good luck to us all! 😉