When you decide to stop engaging, it’s not about letting the other person have their way and him/her ‘winning’; it’s about remaining true to yourself. I hear from people who are in some pretty awkward and downright painful situations where they would step away but they block themselves from doing so because they don’t want to let the other person ‘win’. It’s vital to recognise though that the cost of continuing to engage can be too much plus, it’s not worth losing yourself or compromising on what you believe, just to prove a point.
If you don’t want to ‘lose’, don’t do things that cause you to lose yourself or to spend your time doing variations of the same thing and expecting different results. Don’t try to get a Ph.D in trying to figure out the person to the nth degree or take up a vocation in people pleasing with a slice of humiliation.
Whoever this person is that you’re continuing to engage with at the expense of your well-being, they’re really just not that special. They’re not king or queen of the universe, God, a higher power, or the definition of you. It’s not worth engaging or doing things in an attempt to pacify them and keep the peace, at the expense of your inner peace.
One of the things that I ask people who feel damn near tortured having to deal with a bullying and/or narcissistically inclined coworker with an over-inflated sense of their own importance is, Isn’t it sheer madness to spend a whole load of time, energy, emotions and money just on coping with being around this person? Sure, exactly how much frickin’ energy have we got left for ourselves, to do our actual job, for our other relationships, if the overwhelming majority of it is spent anticipating drama, dealing with the critic in our head, managing this person’s ego, and micromanaging our every move in an effort to protect ourselves or to minimise pain? That’s not living! What are we going to do when the mental and emotional stress of what we’re dealing with on a daily basis takes its toll on our mental, emotional and physical health?
Choosing to let people crack on with their drama (without you) or removing you out of a situation doesn’t mean that you’re a ‘loser’; you’ve got to know your values and priorities. Is your well-being really worth battling with someone who is really in an even bigger battle with themselves?
We think that we’re trying to show someone that they have misjudged us.
We think that we’re being empathetic and recognising the issues behind their bad behaviour.
We think that we’re battling through.
The problem is that in our efforts to show that they’ve misjudged us, we end up pandering to their ego and giving them the impression that we think that their opinion of us matters. They interpret it as a weakness.
Yes, we often are being empathetic although sometimes this can cross into over-empathy where we stop seeing them clearly because we insert too much ourselves or our moral outlook. The problem with not making our boundary clear and standing up for ourselves is that the person who repeatedly crosses boundaries, who relies on making others feel small in order to feel big, and who is too busy only seeing things from their rather distorted perspective where respect of others doesn’t really come into it, doesn’t know what the boundary is (because we keep making concessions) so actually thinks that their behaviour is OK.
And yes, we are battling through but at some point, we do have to decide what we truly want, need, and expect in life because if what we’re doing takes us out of alignment with our values, what’s the point?
People are gonna say what they’re gonna say, think what they’re gonna think and do what they’re gonna do so it’s best to get on with the business of being you. You could go from here to eternity trying to please everyone and there will be people who will go, “Missed a spot!” or feel the need to let you know that who you are or what you do is not right… in their eyes.
This is the vital thing about criticism especially criticism from those who feel the need to keep letting you know their opinion: Criticism represents one person’s viewpoint.. It’s their perspective on how they would like us to do things.
How they want us to do things, how they judge us, is not how ‘everyone’ sees things and no person has the right to impose their opinion. We can take useful feedback but criticism from respectful sources is never tied to ruling a person. Somebody who shares respectful feedback in the form of criticism wants to see us do better but is not a stakeholder in it.
Don’t keep sticking at something just so that you can try to influence or even control their opinion of you.
The more that you try to convince others is the more unconvinced of you that you become.
I hear from people who are bullied at work or school or university or even by a friend or family member, as well as hearing from a hell of a lot of people who just keep swallowing down other people’s opinions or trying to defend their corner. They stay at the job, stay silent and pretend that they’re coping, or they keep trying to appeal to that person, because they worry that if they leave or stop engaging, that the person will think that they have one over him/her.
If this is you, don’t look at things from a position of being inferior or superior; compassion for you will help you see things for how they really are. No, this isn’t how you treat people and no you don’t deserve to be treated this way but ironically, their behaviour isn’t really about you. They often feel irrationally threatened and even jealous and because they’re coming from a place of defensiveness and even seeing people as a means to an end, if you don’t behave this way, you’re regarded with suspicion.
The thing that you have to do is to be careful of taking people at face value and judging the situation based on how you would do things because it can be pretty unfathomable to you that a person would think or act in a certain way but the world isn’t full of clones of you. We’re all coming from different levels of awareness impacted by our experiences, fears, motivations, beliefs, ideas and more.
Seeing the differences in people allows you to be boundaried rather than treating the person who busts your boundaries in the same way as the one that doesn’t. That’s how you remain open to BS and pain.
You also must be careful of engaging with this person because they remind you of someone significant from your past, e.g. parent, sibling, bully, because trying to meet unmet needs and right the wrongs of the past will cause you to live in the past and keep you small. If anything, this is an opportunity for you to stand up for your present and younger self, not to get the validation that you’ve always wanted from the original source of your pain.
Stop mistaking their behaviour for strength or power over you. Don’t offer them your back to put their foot in and don’t cower as if you have to pussyfoot physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally around this person. As someone once said to me, “Be the lioness (or the lion)!”. Don’t act as if you don’t have a right to be here and definitely don’t keep letting people think that they’re an authority over you in the sense of dictating your worth. You can be more boundaried and choose to keep a distance, or you are well within your right to opt out. It will not make you a ‘loser’; strength comes in many guises including having the courage to do what is right for you even in the face of adversity and the possibility of other people’s opinions. You are the only one who has to live in your skin and make your journey so don’t let anyone dictate where and how you spend your time or what you put up with. Stand up for yourself.
Your thoughts?
In episode 14 of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast (due 4th December), I’ll share tips for dealing with bullying coworkers which apply really to anyone who imposes themselves upon you.
Also check out the 30-day projects, Embrace Healthy Boundaries and Tune In To Your Inner Voice (& Calm Your Inner Critic). Both are guidance on standing up for and showing up for you both internally and externally.
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Natalie, once again, your wisdom and “reality check” about difficult/toxic people is right on! When I decided to step away from my ex-husband and all of his drama (nearly 5 months ago) by going NC, I didn’t know if I could do it successfully. Part of me did feel like a “loser”…no matter what I did or said to him, no matter how patiently I listened to his “stories”…nothing helped to make me feel better.
Now, after this time has passed (still NC), I feel like the world’s biggest WINNER!! I’m so proud of myself for walking away from all that heartache and torment I put myself through. Even when I ran into him unexpectedly at the grocery store, I could just say “hello” and walk on. And I never looked back. Yes, I felt flustered a bit. I felt sadness at “what could have been”. But then MY reality…a happier, healthier me reinforced my resolve to never feel like a loser with a man ever again.
Thank you for your supportive words and encouragement for all of us who need to grab our self-esteem by the horns and walk tall again!
For me stopping engaging was my way of not putting up with their crap, honestly why would I when clearly they were not clued up to what they were doing or they were but weren’t dealing with it constructively and ensuring the bad behaviour didn’t happen again (or making a consistent effort to ensure bad behaviour eventually does stop).
I guess when one has healthy self esteem and sense of self walking away is really easy minus any guilt-trodden feelings of I failed him/her bla bla bla in tow.
Good food for thought. Recently had to do this with a family member (again) – not see it as a “win”, but see it as “their loss”. Thanks for sharing.
Hello,
It seems this happens to me a lot in relationships. I get into one and somehow end up feeling bad about myself because the men get triggered and then blame me for it. I also noticed how I try to prove my worth to them by giving them something they want, even sex!
It’s tough when you are having to see something to conclusion, like when I had this man visit me for 5 days, he was doing crazy things in my home, and I found myself needing to watch over everything.
Then he felt criticized, or I was being too anal, but it is my home and I need to protect it from damage and he didn’t see his putting wet newspaper on my leather couch as a problem, or creating a flood in my kitchen, or washing my dishes with hand sanitizer because he obviously doesn’t pay attention to what he is doing.
Anyways, there is much more and then later I somehow got blamed for being critical. I even admitted that I was behaving like my mother at times, but seriously, he was doing stupid things and he wouldn’t acknowledge any of it. I hate this!
So, then he went on to list all the ways I am wrong, bad, etc and this was after he took me to a show that brought out my anxiety and he blamed me for that too. I was left crying, but found myself listening and taking it on…..then I set out to prove my worth in the oldest way possible…through sex. I couldn’t believe it!!!! I even said to myself that I would never want to have sex with this person, and then I did!! Amazing, I saw how I have been letting men make me feel unworthy (often for something they do and don’t do) and then I set out to prove my worth. A huge piece of learning for me. After we had sex, it was like we were strangers, a bizarre ending, but it was clearly over after that and when he said it was a mistake, instead of trying to further prove my worth, I simply said, you are right (I definitely did agree) and that was it. Over.
Whatever, I know that guy. The one who makes you feel “less than” when you state an opinion or thought. Like “Don’t mess up my leather sofa with that wet newspaper” gets turned into you being materialistic and “boo-jee”. When what is really going on is that HE feels less than because he is showing he is unaccustomed to caring about the maintenance of his surroundings. Probably lives with a relative and never worked at creating a nice environment of his own, and definitely has never paid for one.
And I have had that out-of-body experience of watching myself go people-pleasing crazy for someone who does not deserve so much consideration. Asking myself, internally, in the moment, WTF am I doing??
Love how you ended, though, by saying “ Yeah, you are right, this was a mistake.” I am sure you shocked him. And I am sure he will be back. Please, avoid him for the rest of your life, OK?
Are you trying to prove your “worth”….?…or trying to prove to them that you don’t think you are in any way “better” than them. You feel guilty for having living standards and trying to enforce them. But guess what, having standards is what separates people who accept poor treatment from people who only accept what they really want. Claim your worth, girl. Don’t be afraid to say “ I am worth it
she feels uncomfortable for having boundaries – having standards. becoming assertive and adopting standards often feels strange and wrong because we’re not used to it.
Thank you for the article Nat. I’ve commented before on my situation. I had to step away from a breakup situation a few months back..for self preservation mainly. As crazy as this sounds, sometimes I wonder if I walked away too soon because now I have all these things I want to say to him and now it’s too late. I now feel as if he “got away with something”. I never called him out on his BS because right after the breakup, I was trying to salvage the relationship. I somehow thought that if I was quiet and acted like it didn’t bother me, he would contact me but he never did. Recently I composed a nice “closure” type letter but I’m struggling on whether to send it. I’m sure he’s moved on and I know if he receives this, it’ll be somewhat of an ego stroke for him and I’ll look like the crazy ex. I know I should let it go regardless of whether I send it or not. I’m lost.
Jay, seriously, do not send the letter. As Nat says, don’t give a person the chance to keep rejecting you, and he will make sure to keep not calling if he gets more correspondence from you. I have had so many people like this. Most recently a woman who keeps holding back my bonus checks, because she can. No other reason. I used to beg her for them, and of course, she would never get back to me (she processes the checks for the company). So this person has a little bit, very big little bit of power, and when the bosses are traveling (which they do all the time), she sits her wide a$$ down on the checks. One of my checks was over 45 days late and it messed with my credit to the point I could not pay any bills that month at all. So now, I actually just took another second job on the side, which pays on time. So when the check is late, I tell the boss, but I never tell whatsherface, as she will not get the satisfaction of igging me and making me beg for it. No one respects her, and she knows it. But there is nothing anyone can do. I used to want to wrap my hands around her neck, but not any more. I just ignore her right back and to you know what happened? She started emailing me on the status or should I say, half-baked check status such as “yes I received it….” so I was supposed to say next, “well, did you process it” and then she would ignore me.
Now she says “yes I received it” and I say nothing. I don’t beg when it will get sent out to me anymore.
People who are ignoring you or putting you on NC LOVE for you to beg to them, it is so powerful for them. They are so happy not to answer you. It will take courage, but don’t send that letter. Just put it in the bathroom and read it before the long hot bath you deserve to take every night, but no, please please do not validate a jerk by sending a letter asking for really, anything (least of all “why this” or “why that”).
Jay
The closure is for you, but you have to ask yourself, do you really want closure, or do you want him back. I used to be the queen of closure. What I learned was that i wanted them back, i wanted them to talk to me. It never worked out but at least it came to a dead end and then i wa able to let them go. breaking up happens in stages, this is one of them. good luck
Yep. Once you stop wanting them, you don’t need closure, apology, answers, anything. I have recently finally found it out myself. It comes in stages and phases, but it will come to each of us.
Disengaging from a few co workers, Narcboy in particular, was the absolute smartest thing I did thus far this year. I get some resentment from colleagues but they are the same folk who resented my speaking my mind. Unless I sit quietly like a mindless lump (I am decidedly NOT the sit quiet sort), anything else will be unacceptable to them. Have truly disengaged from the workplace except for students, giving more space for my writing. Still looking for jobs and may form my own non profit and continue my sustainability work apart from my institution. Regardless of what happens, I refuse to be around anyone who cannot treat me with respect.
Good timing, as usual. I recently had my ex get in touch with me 6 months after our breakup. He contacted me every day for a week, trying to keep up some kind of friendly chit chat, as if we hadn’t ended a two year relationship only months ago. I tried to engage with him (I know, I know. Stupid), thinking we could be friendly and stupidly hoping he was going to eventually say he’d been an idiot and wanted another chance (Again, I know. Stupid me). But with every day that passed, I felt worse. The stress, the emotional turmoil and torment. It was too much for me, and I finally told him I couldn’t be friends with him. It wasn’t to stick it to him, but for my own self-preservation, and I’ve felt such a relief having told him that. I know that putting myself first was, and in these situations always is, the right thing to do.
8 years later, still pining after a married man that told his wife he was leaving her over 3 years ago (I know he told her because she called me) and went back and forth and lied to both of us and he never left her- even for a night. The 5 years prior he told me that anyway he was going to tell her and i hung in there. She knows we still are in touch, see each other, etc. She has caught us together, found thousands of emails, photos, vacations, etc. What went from what i felt to be a true love, the kind that hurts so badly (but in a good way) has changed into him throwing me crumbs maybe once a week if I’m lucky. A text message perhaps, maybe even a phone call- but then there’s the one a month night in the sack with hours and hours of sex. I know before i do it that i shouldn’t because I always feel awful afterwards. My self esteem (what’s left of it) is gone, I feel used, dirty and thrown away every single time- yet he tells me he still loves me. I vacillate between loving and missing him to hating him- for what I’ve allowed him to do to me. I let him treat me this way and continue to. I was actually jealous that his wife took him for his colonoscopy yesterday morning. Jealous of a colonoscopy!! I used to feel sorry for her for the affair but now I feel sorry for myself because I’m lost and feel like I will never ever be the same again. He’s stolen my heart, my self esteem, self worth and even my time alone with myself because he’s always in my head. I don’t think I love him- I think I love what I thought we were going to be. He lies to her on the phone in front of me- as easy as talking about the weather. He says there’s some curse on he and me, that there’s something that keeps us together. I say that curse is my low self esteem. I’ve been to shrinks, been on medication, hypnotherapy, etc., to free myself of this person and nothing seems to work. Christmas is here and I picture the two of them by their Christmas tree and it makes me physically sick. I give up.
Carly
yes, give him up! Then you will be able to find yourself again.
I try- nothing seems to work 🙁
Carly – Please go to a local CoDA meeting (Co-dependents Anonymous) and enlist professional one-to-one support so that you can understand what is in your past that is being played out by being on the sidelines in this affair. You will find out what you’re trying to avoid, the person and the pain who this relationship is a substitute for, and get the tools to address what is going on. This man cannot give you what you want. He’s not [whoever it is from your past] and you are making you helpless by assigning him power of attorney for your life. Please ensure that you use the strength you have left to enlist the support that you need. Take care.
I agree with Natalie. This post reminded me of my recent work situation and, as Natalie and some of you know, I was let go. It’s awful being let go. But it’s even more awful when you’re let go from an environment where you’re constantly anticipating drama, seeking approval, etc. It’s a blessing, yes, but a weird detox takes place, much like an addiction.
I was engaged emotionally with my married boss. Too much. Boundaries were blurred and he and I spent a lot of time together. Although I didn’t have a physical affair with him, I can relate to some of what you’re saying, Carly. And I did work with a therapist and, believe it or not, had decided to pursue other employment opportunities about a month before I was let go.
One of the things the therapist helped me identify is who in my past my boss reminded me of. And at first, it was hard for me to make the correlation. But he’s just like my dad. Coming around whenever it’s easy and convenient for him, disappearing emotionally (physically, too, in my dad’s case) for months. Commitment-phobe, highly critical, older male authority figure. Yep, once I identified a few things, the most agonizing aspects of my father’s character traits and my relationship with him were revealed through my relationship with my boss. And all it took was my therapist saying, “Jasmine, he’s not your dad” before I broke down and cried uncontrollably. He wasn’t. Even if I was able to “make” him love me, it wouldn’t change my relationship with my father. So it’s not just psychological babble. It’s real talk. These behavior patterns do exist and they can be repaired.
Good luck. I’m rooting for you.
Hi Jazzy, please esxcuse my question- but I want to know how you handle this awareness?
I too found a correlation between my parents and the unavailable man in my life- but that doesn’t make me stop loving or wanting to be with him….
thanks Nat. Power of Attorney- you hit the nail on the head
Carly, don’t give up. I wasn’t with a married guy, but with an emotionally unavailable AC. I stuck it out for 6 years, trying to please him and hoping beyond hope he’d realize I was the ‘one’. These guys will never change. When I met him he was 49 and I was 7 years younger. He’s now almost 60 and I know he will never change. When I finally got tired of being treated like a doormat and stood up for myself, I became the enemy because he knew I finally saw him for who he really was and that took 6 years, ( I take full responsibility for hanging in that long). . it’s been about 7 months no contact and with each passing day I feel stronger and so lucky to be away from him. It’s so hard, I know, but it does get easier, it just takes time. Hang in there.
thanks Jenn. I’ve tried so many times. I believe he’s come to be an addiction… a really bad and dangerous addiction. Even if I don’t talk to him, I can’t get him off of my mind. I’m going to try today. Just for today 🙁
Carly,
don´t give up on yourself! I have been 7 years with a real manipulator and all I did was come back after he hurt me. Again and again. I hated myself, but I had to do it. Every time I found an excuse – that he doesn´t mean it, he had hard childhood, etc, etc. The relationship deteriorated as he contacted me less and less. Finally I stopped contacting him and I didn´t hear from him again. I am so hurt. To avoid thinking about him or contacting him is a real struggle. Half of my day I have to force myself to do something in order to let the thoughts go. But besides a misery, there is a slight relief. I believe this will surpass the bad one day. We can do it! If we could hang in there for so many years, our willpower is amazing – lets use it for ourselves now. I am with you and all the women writing here are helping me too. We are strong, loving and forgiving – let´s be proud of standing on our own feet. xoxo
He’s a lucky guy – he’s managed to figure out a way to get both the hot/passionate/all night long sex AND the wifey who takes care of him when he’s sick and brings him to his colonoscopy. Why is it the men who always figure out how to have their cake and eat it too? Meanwhile, us women are all too eager to give them everything and get nothing. Wake up, ladies!
Diane, exactly! Do we need men that much? It’s truly sad. I have started a new job and work in a female environment. What do I hear about besides Christmas shopping? Men. How to get one, how to get a boyfriend while being married, how to get a better one. It’s insane. Is it not possible at all to focus one’s life on something else? Interests, goals, hobbies?
Burn that letter and release him for his greater good as you release yourself for your greater good. Let it go.
Recently my father tried to edge his way back into my life by using my dead mother as leverage. He showed up to a bar I was at weeping and sobbing. I felt bad and followed him to his house where more sobbing about my mother then outright creepy inappropriate behavior on his part ensued. Then a few days later he acted like the whole thing never happened.
Given the context, I am surprised at my lightheartedness in the face of his inexcusable behavior, but thank God BR had prepared me for exactly how to handle this. Walk away. And I did never to return. I have no choice other than to let him be him, but in order to be me and healthy and happy I can’t go near him. So I don’t. I won’t.
And, Nat, thank you so much for the recommendation of Rebecca’s book Light is the New Black. It was a godsend, really. I am definitely no longer in my shadow career.
Thank you and give your girls an extra big hug for me. (Definitely getting the feels for wanting to be a mother as my thirties keep creeping on.)
Thanks Elgie!
Elgie
You make some good points, he showed up looking disheveled. He commented on my sense of design…..he may have beensurprised that i thought it was amistake. He was so sweet and kind before and then it is as if he let the monster out.
Whatever,
Thank God nothing happened to you. He could have been a freak or a disordered one in a dangerous way. I am glad he is out of your life. What a creep!!! I am glad you are safe.
Great timing, and does work for everyone in my life. Recently had to go NC with an elderly neighbor who ended up treating me like I was her nurse/daughter, her verbal abuse is extensive. We thought she had dementia, but her oldest friends who also refuse to talk to her anymore, say she’s been like this her whole life. Now that I’m not being called all day long to go to her place, getting massive guilt trips if I don’t cater to her… My life is so much less stressful. My other neighbors say I was just far too sweet and put up with things NOBODY should. They’ve let me know what’s going on with her now that she doesn’t have me around. Apparently I was her only friend left, her daughter doesn’t even put up with her (she lives in the same building). She is the poster child for Drama Queen with a degree in gossip and lies to entertain herself. I put myself through that because I was raised to respect and care for the elderly… Nobody taught me that some folks are purely toxic and it’s okay to walk away. I get it now, I really do.
Once I started standing up for myself and protecting my boundaries, couple people dropped out of my life, and communication with others has been practically eliminated. My family members are respectful now and very careful at their typical (poking and critical) choice of words when talking to me. I have less socialization now than I had before, but I am calm, not anxious, and not surrounded by toxicity. Sadly, standing up for yourself will eliminate some people out of your life. But those who love you will stay.
Ladies, thank you for your advice! Honestly, it’s not really about closure or wanting him back but I admit I do want some sort of validation or response from him ( I know I know) I probably won’t get it due to the letter being somewhat emotional, just letting him know how I felt about things. As we know, most men don’t respond to that anyway. I know I’ll never get closure from this guy because he left me for someone else but will never admit it. He’ll just tell me a bunch of bs and half truths anyway. I still have feelings for him but don’t want him back. He’s caused me so much pain in the last few months by “his” NC that I don’t think of him in the same way anymore. He’s become a stranger, someone I don’t even know, it’s sad. He’s not the nice guy I thought he was. I guess I’m just very hurt that he just dropped me and never contacted me again. I never saw it coming, it’s been very hard on me. I’ve noticed most of the comments on here are from ladies that still hear from their ex’s in one way or another. Not that it’s a good thing but I was at least hoping for a “hey, hope you’re doing ok” type message but nothing! It’s like I meant nothing and don’t exist. I know the letter isn’t going to make a difference in the long run but it would sure make me feel better for about 30 minutes (lol)
Jay when he does make contact (he will at some point when he’s got nothing else going/doing) simply ignore, best still (if you haven’t already done so) delete his number so you will not be tempted to reply. And don’t get thrown back or caught off guard of thoughts that oh wow he’s thinking of me/come around because he’s made contact blah blah blah. You being ok is up to you and not on him as I too was blindsided so I sympathise with what you are experiencing/experienced. It really is not a nice feeling however the not nice feeling was more beyond him (the ex) in that my life in general wasn’t ok long before he came along.
Redirect that letter back to yourself (Nat calls them unsent letters) and constructively deal with the hopes and dreams you had of the relationship. He definitely is not the all end of men especially when he treated you so carelessly and without regard, and you continue treating yourself that way too in the continued pining of him. You have been very hurt similarly when I was blindsided however it really is simply picking yourself up, brushing yourself off and keeping it moving (I was in therapy and took to self care all the while doing so). My personal place now is way better and getting stronger so I too have that hope for you once you constructively deal with the hurts and wounds (which he may have triggered) in your own life prior to when he came on board.
Jay, trust me, “Hope you are doing ok,” won’t make you feel better. For 5 minutes, yes. Then the wave of all the recycling will swallow you. Not worth it. Will take you steps back. You will want to know more, understand, and get the closure. If they contact you it doesn’t mean they really care. They just feel guilty and want to appear a nice guy. That’s all.
Sophia, yeah you’re right…At least they feel somewhat guilty though, this one doesn’t! I get what you mean though. I don’t know what’s worse, not hearing from them at all or hearing from them at their convenience. I’ve dealt with both and neither is good I guess.
*Sofia…sorry
Although this is 6 days too late, all I can say is don’t send the letter. I made the mistake of sending an e-mail 3 weeks after breaking up with her and NC (long story short – I unintentionally hurt her, in response she hurt me even worse). I felt guilty for over reacting and ending the relationship so soon, and that I wanted to make clear how much I cared about her and only wanted to make her happy. She responded shortly after which triggered a 2 hour conversation that started tough, but eventually pulled us back into our usual rhythm before she ended the call because she was going to be sick.
I’m not going to lie, I felt amazing the next morning. It was the first day in weeks that I had a spring in my step. That afternoon, I received an e-mail saying that I was inconsiderate and was so throughout our relationship, and that I was not to contact her anymore.
It made me realize that every time I contact her, I’m just giving her another opportunity to put me down, just like she did in every conversation in the week leading up to me ending it. My last contact was a month ago. I missed her, and I missed sharing everything with her. I got a response, but it was just “No. I’ve moved on.” It’s funny, you don’t feel it right away, but after a few days it hits you like an anvil.
My problem is I still get the temptations. In fact I’m here today (4 months post-breakup) because I’ve had those temptations this morning. The only thing that holds me back is knowing it’s just going to lead to more pain.
I’m just happy to see someone that has a somewhat similar situation. So often I feel alone with this mess.
JA…thank you for your input, you’re definitely not alone. I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s too late for me though, I sent it (sighs, I know) I like you, thought it was a good idea at the time and felt great about it. I don’t regret it “yet” because it was really eating me up inside and wasn’t healthy. Pen and paper wasn’t really working for me. I weighed the pros and cons of sending it and decided that the only way I was going to have peace of mind was to send it. The only small regrets I have about it at this point is letting him know I was still upset over it months later. I’m sure it was an ego stroke for him. Also, it set me back a little in the healing process. Plus I don’t even know that he read it, maybe out of curiousity I hope? He hasnt replied that I’m aware of, probably not because I’m calling him out on his BS…in a nice way. I didn’t care about his reply though (ok a little) I just wanted to let him know how I felt about the way things ended. I was also afraid he would reply the way your ex did saying “don’t contact me again, I’ve moved on” and stuff like that. I dreaded that actually and that’s what kept me from not sending it for like a month! I sent it anyway though…I thought it was good, nothing nasty just my feelings. I admitted I had some shortcomings in the relationship and wished him luck. This probably doesn’t make a difference in the letter writing but my situation was a little different from yours. I was dumped, given lame excuses and never contacted again by him. I seriously doubt he’ll have anything negative to say about me unless he just makes stuff up to feel better about what he did. He knows he’s an AC and actually said he “felt bad” about dumping me. I know what you mean though. That’s the bad thing about letters, texts, emails…anything in writing is dangerous and can be taken the wrong way. I guess it just depends on the situation. Overall, I don’t regret it as of yet but letter writing usually doesn’t make a difference in the long run…
JA…sorry I forgot to tell you…please don’t send her anything else! I sure as hell will not be sending anything else to mine either. I know the temptation is there but it just brings more pain. The way I see it is we tried and there will always be things left unsaid. If they want to talk to us, they will contact us. Big hug ??
Thanks, this was what I needed today. It’s her birthday and we had made significant plans to celebrate it. I just need to keep strong and push through the holidays. Hopefully by the time the anniversary rolls around everything will be a distant memory.
I can’t her an AC or EUW. When we last spoke we talked about how we wanted to resolve everything, and what we were expecting the other party to do when we were fighting. The funny thing is we wanted the exact same things. Our problem really came down to poor communication when we were upset. That’s why I regret sending the letter. It was that moment that seemed to push to her to cut off contact. It seemed like there was some potential to fix things.
JA…sorry to hear that. You were just doing what you thought was a good idea at the time, sending the letter. You didn’t know she would react that way. In my case, I tried to have a conversation with him when we broke up but he didn’t want to so I had to resort to a letter. I do have regrets over it but at least it gave me peace of mind at the time. The sad thing is I don’t think he even cares. I’ll never understand how we can spend all this time together and now I don’t exist to him. I wish I could turn my feelings on and off like that.
I know the holidays are a little harder when you’re going through a breakup, I’m in the same boat. Hang in there..
Adele, by the way…that is horrible about the check lady. Isn’t that illegal?! There has to be someone above her that you can talk to. I’ve worked for a few places that did similar things.
I feel for the ladies that are caught up with married men, I’ve been in that situation and it’s awful. They tell you what you want to hear to keep you hanging on so they can have their cake and eat it too…for as long as they’d like. They usually don’t leave their wives. And sadly their wives don’t usually leave them either because they don’t want to go through a divorce or hes their only means of support and so on…I urge anyone to get out of that situation immediately. It’s not going anywhere. Just my two cents. I’m sorry if that offends anyone. Hugs <3
Thank you Gina…I have serious doubts he’ll ever contact me again. Anything is possible I guess but we didn’t end on good terms so it’s doubtful. I’m sure he’s in a relationship now and has totally forgotten about me. This is probably a good thing but because of what he does for a living it’s unlikely I’ll see him again. We have no mutual friends so I won’t hear about him either. I could probably find out what he’s up
to in other ways…but no thank you to that self torture. I am getting better though. I’m proud of myself that I haven’t contacted him once in the last few months, for self preservation mainly. I actually deleted his contact info the night we broke up so I wouldn’t be tempted to contact him. Sorry to hear you’ve been hurt in a similar way, I can definitely sympathize.
Natalie I love this! I’ve just finished a training course in Counselling which has helped me turn my back on my dysfunctional family, especially my bullying sister and her daughters. I’ve clung to hope for 30+ years, sending cards and presents at Christmases and birthdays – only to receive exclusion, verbal and physical abuse in return. They’ve cheated me out of my share of inheritance and nearly left me homeless at one point – and still I loved them. When I finally said “No more!” they turned on me and said that I needed psychiatric help (perhaps I did – for putting up with them for so long LOL!). Trust me, I am ELATED to look forward to the rest of my life WITHOUT THEM! No more tears, no more waiting, no more being let down. Bye bye dysfunctional family – you will not be missed!
It’s so hard when you think you have gotten over your adverse reaction to things but then it resurfaces. I’ve been separated for 3 years and finally started to start thinking about meeting someone new when a man from work came into my life. We started chatting a lot and I found that he had separated from his wife almost 1 year ago. They had a very sad separation where they couldn’t have kids and I can see how devastating that must have been. We talked a lot and then started a sexual relationship but before we did he said that he is very confused and didn’t know where his head was at. I appreciate his honesty and he has been very open all along, as have I which is what I really liked about him. But now I know he really doesn’t want to get deeply involved and I need to step away but I’m finding it hard…..I find I’m way too focussed on him and still want to get to know him but realise at this point in time it’s not going to be good for me. He seems to want to hang out but then he also said he doesn’t want it to hurt me. So I know exactly what I should do but just getting myself to do it is so difficult. I even think if I leave it some time maybe he will start to get over his previous relationship and be ready to get into another but I just can’t seem to stop wanting to call him or text him or spend time with him. In the past 3 years I have been calm and collected but now thus has come up it seems to be resurfacing all my old negative behaviours – stress, smoking, not being focussed on the important things just thinking way too much over him. It’s really doing my head in. Any advice?
@Genki, unfortunately we women do a lot of this – the guy tells us the truth (I don’t want to get deeply involved) and we plough ahead anyway either not believing him or believing we can change him or that he will change on his own. We’re constantly given the message by the media that if we’re loving enough, no sane man wouldn’t want that. So now it seems that, finally, after a year, you actually believe what he’s saying. If it’s been a year and you don’t think he’s going to change his mind, I’d pull back. Stop giving him a free ride. Stop giving him the girlfriend treatment when he’s not willing to be your boyfriend. We women do so much of this it’s not surprising none of them will commit to anything – they don’t have to!
Wow…he certainly ladled on the “get sympathy” story – married but infertile, so we divorced. That’s BS. If two people want to be together, and they are infertile together, there are options. Why does he get your sympathy points for that? He also gave the standard “I’m confused” line…that’s AC speak for “I’ll be around for sex but don’t want to build a relationship.”
Genki, stop making excuses for him. Stop giving him “credit” for “honesty”. He’s playing you like a fish because HE wants a FWB arrangement. You cannot change that. This “relationship” will never deepen, no matter how long you hang in there. Is that what YOU want? Stop waiting on the sidelines, “seeing” where it goes. Why are we so wishy-washy? Holding our breath, hoping that person that we’ve deemed the “best thing that has crossed our path” will choose us. The minute we start feeling that fear of not being chosen should be our sign to move on….because it indicates an emotional inequity.
Think about how you’ll feel when he moves on to another woman at work. He’s made no promises, but you are seeing promises because you are so enthralled by getting attention from a nice man. Time to find some healthier diversions. My advice is to say no to any future intimate get-togethers with him. Only say ok if they involve crowds and no sex.
Genki,
Sounds like he’s emotionally unavailable. At least he was upfront with you about it, have to respect that. Sorry if this sounds harsh but he may never come around and are you willing to wait around for that? Unless you’re comfortable just being intimate and hanging out, which I don’t think you are? You sound like me, I can’t do that either. I’m a relationship person and anything else is just wasting time for me. You may want to think about just pulling away from him completely because it’s obviously hurting you hence the stress, smoking etc. Is there a possibility of just friendship with him? I know it’s more difficult when you work with the person too. My advice would be to pull away and if you’re comfortable, let him know you’re doing so. Maybe he’ll come around and if he doesn’t you can find someone who can give you what you deserve <3 Hope that helps a little..
Thanks so much for all the helpful advice ladies, I really needed that and completely agree with all that has been said and advised.
For your info his wife left him because she had the fertility problem and I guess thought he would be better off without her so I can really feel her pain too.
But definitely it’s not good for me as I can feel the stress.
We have only been in this situation for about 2 months but known each other from work for 2 plus years and he has been separated for a year and I’ve been separated for 3.
And Elgie R I have now definitely started to feel the emotional inequity – at the start it wasn’t like that. It felt very even and felt like there was a lot of promise. But now I feel like I’m getting this fear of not being chosen. It’s amazing how quickly I went down hill from feeling positive to feeling like I was chasing something. It’s not good for me and I thought I was over all of this. I’m finding it hard to focus. I think I will get some professional help as I seem to fall hard quickly and it’s not rational.
I am not sure if this is the right post to write this. There is one person I feel I need to engage with to bring peace to my heart, but even though he’s made some poor decisions, I do believe this man is a good person and I can’t seem to bring myself to cut the cord. We met when we were both seing other people. So we started out on a friendly basis. But we connected so much we would text every single day, for hours. Our average was 200 messages per day. A month after we started talking, I stoped seing the guy I was dating, but he kept seing his girls. We met up a few times: lunch, soccer game, watching a series together. But the last time things went way too far. We were watching a series at his place and he kept initiating physical contact (hug, cuddling, kiss in the neck). I tried to resist because I don’t want to interfere in an existing relationship. I ended up sleeping there. And we all know how that ended. I thought if he took things this far, it was because he realized he didn’t see a future with his date. But because she is a long time friend and we have only known each other for 2 months, he decided he wanted to see where things went with her. He said he would tell her what happened and if whe will still have him, he wants to see this through. I am too much of a gamble because we still have a lot of things we don’t know about each other.
Because he was so honest with me throughout all this and he offered me his support since (telling me I could call anytime if I needed to talk – I was starting to get attached and it hit hard), I can’t bring myself to see him as a bad guy. I still see him as a great person with good values to had a lapse in judment. And I know I would tell a friend to run away if she told me this story. But I can’t seem to be able to let him go. I stopped initiating contact, but when he texts to see if I’m ok or to wish me a good week end or to talk about the series we started watching together, I feel compelled to answser. He asked if I wanted him to stop texting me and I couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I know it’s unhealthy to keep him around, but I keep hoping they will break it off and we will have a real chance to see where the two of us can go. And I know I shouldn’t want to be with someone who could do what he did. I just don’t know how to stop caring for him. It’s the first time this kind of thing happens to me and I can’t seem to bring my heart to listen to my head. I even went on a date with someone else to try and move on, but it only gets me worried about hurting someone else in the process because I am not over the other guy.
I am lost.
*Stop engaging with (not engage with)
Chloe, I think you’re trying to bend yourself into a pretzel of justification in order to not see him as a bad guy – and if you can convince yourself of this, then you don’t have to do what you know deep down you really should do: stop engaging with him. I’m not saying he’s a “bad” guy – sounds more like he’s a typical guy, one who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Sounds immature, superficial and thoughtless. Because he’s honest about his immaturity, you think that’s a virtue. Cheating on someone is not a “lapse,” it’s a conscious decision. If he really had good values he would cut contact with both of you until he got his head together. At the very least if he wants to see where things go with this other girl, then he would have enough respect for her and you to stop texting you and trying to keep you on the back burner. You’re too much of a gamble??? He wants to see if she’ll still “have him” after he slept with you??? But he keeps texting you anyway?? This guy is no prize. I don’t see anywhere in his actions that he cares about you, respects you, values you, or wants what’s best for you. Or the other girl.
You don’t have to stop caring for him right now. You have to stop being in contact with him! Right now. Block him so he cannot text you. That’s your first priority. Your feelings will still linger for quite some time and that’s ok. But that’s no excuse not to do what you need to do to respect yourself.
Thank you for that answer. I know it’s what I need to bring myself to do. And you are right, if he truly had respect for both of us, he would have stopped writing me. I wanted to confront him on that, but stopping contact instead is probably the best solution.
He just wanted to sleep with you! Now, that he has, that’s out of his system. Not a good guy in my eyes. He’s not bad either, but he used you, knowing full well, he’d continue with the other one.
I don’t want to justify his actions because they truly were wrong. And he knew it would hurt both me and her. But the one thing that makes me think it wasn’t premeditated is that he stopped almost immediately because he felt bad about it. If he had the intention of deceiving us both just to have sex, he would have kept going and taken full advantage. But that doesn’t change the fact that what he did was wrong and that he hasn’t stepped away since then, still reaching me via text while remaining with her. And that to me says he wants to hold on to everything and not commit to anything. And that should be enough to make me walk away.
“And that should be enough to make me walk away.”
Yes it should. Hopefully it will. But don’t wait until you “feel” differently about him. If so, you’ll just keep putting off the inevitable. Waiting until your feelings change is a poor excuse for not taking action. Just make up your mind that you still have feelings for him, this is going to hurt, AND you are going to go no contact – all at the same time. No contact is the key. Once you are free of him I think you will be amazed at how quickly your mind will clear and you will be able to see him as he really is. Not a terrible guy. Just lacking in some character and integrity. Which means he is not partner material for you because YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Sound advice that I will take. It’s about time I stand up for myself. I am working on getting angry at him, which is helping. But I can’t wait until I’m over him to cut him off. I’m only hurting myself while he’s living his life, keeping me on the back burner.
Hi Chloe seems like a similar problem to mine!! I know it isn’t easy but I guess its better to back away, easier said than done hey!!
I have started to try to think back to the times when I wasn’t engaged in thinking About him and when I felt fine without his nice little texts and chats, I was perfectly fine and happy until he came into my life!! But then when I thought I had met someone special and it showed promise I fell too hard and he started to consume my thoughts – never a good thing, but I know soon enough he will be out of my mind, I’ve gotten over harder things!! I’m sure you can do it too! All the best, if it’s meant to be it will be and you won’t have to stress about it!!
It is hard to do, but you’re right, if the outcome is pain, then cutting contact, as hard as it may be, is the solution. It will hurt a while, but the healing will start.
We get so addicted to those texts, don’t we. We feel special when they pop up on our devices “Oh, look! He’s thinking about ME!”
Players love the way social media has skewed the game in their favor. They use texting like a fishing line. Throw a lot of texts, then withhold, throw a few more texts, withhold even longer, then throw a “wanna see you” text and Bam!…that woman will welcome you with open legs.
Chloe, it kills me that you believe it is you or her. I guarantee there are more than two women in his little game.
You are missing attention…quite understandable. Players are successful only because so many of us a VERY LONELY and don’t know how to fix it without resorting to attention from a man. We’ll accept almost any attention as long as it comes from the man we cast as our savior from loneliness.
Two, five, ten years down the road, when he’s had a family with some other woman, and you are still waiting with bated breath for his texts, is that when you will realize you fell in love with what “could” be, not what “is”. I think we women are brainwashed from early years to fall in love with the “possibilities” of a relationship. Soap operas, love comics, today’s young adult novels…they are always about some conflict that keeps the heroine apart from the hero. And we buy in to it and try to create that romantic fantasy in real life.
You will always be in limbo with this man. Stop the fantasy.
WOW- so true!
I know you are right. I was naive enough to confront him today on his texting me and the only result is that I’m the one left hurting again because I let what he says affect me. It stops now. He is not worth any more of my time.
I really enjoyed your article and admire your strength. I’ve really fallen apart with my breakup. It’s not my first time falling apart unfortunately but it is the first time being broken up with. Falling apart previously was in the same relationship but he had to go away for a year to prison (embarrassing to say that-for 2 DUI’s in 10 years) and it felt like he was dead due to no phone contact or visitation for 7 months just letters. I’m told I have PTSD from my son’s dad (and bf at the time) dying in a car accident when I was 3 months pregnant and 19. When he went to prison I was wayyy worse mostly because I was drinking a bottle a day and I’m not now. But prior to prison was the last time I felt normal. I have PTSD, Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety, and since the breakup I’ve been dx’d with Agoraphobia. Sounds crazy right?!? If you were to look at me or talk with me you wouldn’t think I had any of those. Since he broke up with me, which I had to push out of him and basically breakup with myself 11/8/15, I haven’t left my home except therapy and psych appts. I have an 8 year old son that I can’t take care of so my sister thankfully has had him. I have a full time job medical billing that the psychiatrist required I do not go to and submitted documentation to my work. I don’t know what to do with myself. He has tried to actually be there for me periodically but I know it’s hurting me more than helping. He’s still paying a portion of our rent and since I’m not working if I can’t pay a bill he will. I know it was hard towards the end…I know I was having a hard time so I couldn’t imagine for him with my depression and such. I’m not saying he was innocent either, he cheated and I asked and asked and he continued to lie to my face. He did end up admitting. He says he loves me and will love me forever but the reason he left was because he doesn’t connect with my son and can’t stand he doesn’t listen to him. My son is the sweetest, kindest boy. He just doesn’t like that he’s sensitive. His son is a couple years older and doesn’t show too much emotion. He’s been raised by a single mother! My ex and I were together over 4 years. We had been through so much together and always made it out. I feel like the 1 time we have to be strong because of me he gives up, it’s too hard. When I would worry about him leaving I always had that part of me that would speak up and I would tell myself he loves me he wouldn’t do that. There were so many times I asked him and he’d reassure me and give me love to help. I knew we were in trouble and going through a rough patch but obviously since I love him and wanted to be with him forever I thought we were going to get through it. He had just left me a letter on the kitchen counter 2 days prior to the breakup saying how much he loves me and how we’ll make it, blah, blah, blah. That’s why I feel like it was expected but also completely not. I know I have other issues in the mix but I it been very difficult letting my son down, my coworkers, my family, etc. I’ve just gotten so much worse and am hurting so bad. Like you said, I had this plan/expectation that we were going to be together forever and I just cannot comprehend that he’s done and that’s not happening. When I leave my house for the appts it’s like I’m coming out of my own world, my somewhat safe place I’ve created where I don’t have to face what’s actually happening. So I hate going out there at all. I want to stay in my world, not happy still sad, but it’s more like a weekend he’s usually gone just extended. I for some reason still have this hope he’ll come back. It’s killing me.
I’m at a breaking point with a 4 year relationship w/an Assclown, I hate to admit b/c the man I fell in love w/is not the man I’ve been dealing w/for the past 2 years. We fell madly deeply in love, best friends too. Everyone could see our love beaming. We walked into a room and people envied what we had. The first 2 years were amazing even when there was a hiccup of discovering his drug addiction. Then there were deaths and funerals along the way. I stood by his side. And then the one thing I thought he’d do, he cheated on me w/a friend. It wasn’t until 6 months later that she contacted me and told me. She thought we were broken up as he told her. The news was shocking. He was devastated, cried, begged me not to let him go. I thought he was the love of my life, the connection, the friendship, the love. It was deep. So, I forgave and tried to move on. And then for the next 2 years he continued to play the two of us, back and forth. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. I have been mentally, emotionally and verbally abused by both. It has been a sick twisted toxic drama filled love triangle. I’ve been loving, patient, honest, angry, understanding(bizarre) hoping always that he would come to his senses. I mean he constantly tells me he loves me, in love w/me, I’m his best friend and doesn’t want to let go or want me to let go. It’s hard not to imagine him in my life. But, I think I hang on to the good years and remembering that there is a good heart in this person, so that I can make excuses for his actions, his treatment towards me. I have lost myself, compromised what I’ve believed in and spent precious time and energy into him and his feelings. Why am I so concerned about how I look to him? He uses the spin factor and makes you think you’re crazy and doubt yourself. He reverently was on a trip and said he was coming home to me, that the other woman is crazy, said all these negative things about her and said of course all these lovely things about me and I’m the one. As soon as his plane landed, he blocked me, ignored me and has been in a full blown relationship w/the other woman. He never even had the guts to just say, “I don’t want to be w/you, I want to be w/this other person”, nope, just cut me off at the knees. I cried for days. A weekend or a week would go by and out of no where he’d send a text or call always telling me he missed me, he’s miserable w/her, loves me, can he come over, wants me, etc. I’ve asked to be unblock and if I wasn’t then obviously he’s w/her. He comes up w/an excuse and denies he’s w/her. She lives down the street, comes up to visit and breaks into his phone to see if he has any contact w/me. She has always been jealous of me, paranoid and pretty much hates me b/c he does the same thing to her as he does to me. I’ve also been abused by her verbally calling me names, prank calls, pretending to be him in texts and emails. So as many as times as I try to get him to tell me the truth and own what’s really going on, he denies he has anything to do w/her. He says if she finds out about us she’ll go crazy and it’s easier to block me now to difuse the crazy. Really? Mind you I’ve tried to contact her and tell her the truth that the hamster wheel is back in motion and of course she called me a liar and he covered his arse. She called me names, told me I was an awful person, told me to get a life and move on. Funny, I’ve never been mean to this girl and every time I try to move on from this toxic relationship, he’s back. Sorry this is so long. So this morning it is revealed what I believed in my gut that they are in a full blown relationship, dived right into it right when he got off the plane. He has lied to me about everything. I feel humiliated once again and now this other woman thinks I’m crazy. So, here I am at the crossroads. Yes, it’s hard to let go b/c I don’t want to let the person “win”. What’s been done to me by both is made for a Lifetime movie. Recently, just heartless, evil and disgusting. Of course, I’m part to blame b/c I keep taking him back thinking he really loves me or going to change and meanwhile I’m exhausted. So, what to do. Believe it or not, he’s planning to take me out for our 4 year anniversary next week and asking what I want for Christmas. He’s also talked about moving in here which is funny now that I know that as of yesterday she asked him to move in w/her. Like I said they’re obviously in a full blown relationship and I feel like the other woman. So, do I just block him and NCR or write them both an email I’m done w/this hamster wheel or just write him a letter? They’re is history w/him, there is love believe it or not. I don’t know why I’m so concerned about being nice and not coming off as the bitch when I’m the one that has been mistreated. Help. I think I’d finally had it. I need my life back. This toxic unhealthy relationship has definitely taken a toll on me. This couldn’t be happening at a worse time during the holidays, but, there’s never a good time. I’d like to reclaim my dignity, my character, my value into the new year. Any suggestions for my next step?
I meant “I thought he’d never do” above re cheating,
Kirsti, I encourage you to re-read your letter and imagine it being written by a stranger. How would it strike you then? What would be your first impression? What would you want to say to this woman?
What you are experiencing is not love, but a sick, twisted, toxic relationship with someone who has no regard for you. Which you are fully participating in and accepting for reasons that you are going to have to address. How to get out of it? By getting out. By going NC and sticking with it. You want to stay with a liar and a cheat? You want to keep feeling sorry for him and making excuses for him? You want the turmoil of unrelenting sick drama? Be my guest. But if you are serious about respecting yourself, then get away from this immature “boy” who is not partner material. Your “history” with him is a pattern of lies, deceit, cheating, and disrespect.
Thank you Wiser. You are right and I know what the right thing to do is. Everything you said above is everything I’ve said to myself over and over. I just need to stop thinking and talking and take action. Life is short and there is no way anything toxic would come from genuine love. This is not love nor friendship, it’s sick. I give great advice to friends, why can’t I take my own? It’s time to do the right thing for me. I need to reclaim my life back. Thank you Wiser for taking the time to read my novel. I needed this.
Kirsti, sorry to hear you’re going through that. There’s too much drama going on here though, is this guy worth all of that? I was in a similar situation a few years back except they were married/separated. I won’t go into my drama but eventually I had to go NC for my own sanity and don’t talk to him to this day. It was the best thing I ever did (she can have him!)
As far as the letter writing, I definitely would NOT write her. I just think that’s a lot of cat fighting back and forth and not worth it. This is really between you and him anyway. A lot of people would tell you not to write him either but I feel like that’s a personal choice that you have to make. If it will make you feel better and give you SOME sort of closure, then do it…my only advice is that it’s mature. You don’t want to send anything you might regret later (cursing, blaming…unless you just don’t give a shit) If you do though, you really need to think about exactly what you want to say and how to say it, stick to the facts and try not to make it too long. Just my two cents… Like Wiser said, imagine you received it, how would you take it?
Once you decide whether or not to send that letter, go NC and get out of dodge! Regardless of your history together, he’s a liar and a cheater and that’s not going to change. This will be a never ending stressful situation for you.
Brilliant..clear, well written & insightful ..thank you I’ve got a lot out of it. The article makes me feel empowered for recently shutting out a new friend because she was unreasonably demanding and ruined a night out with drama. A night out is supposed to be easy & fun. I rarely don’t respond to people & try to keep the peace to work things out but this time I said ‘I’m not tolerating this, don’t be used’. After ruinin my night ( I lost $58 and didn’t go to not be around the vibes- she texted me the next morning saying she had a shit night – without any concern for me feeings). I cut her off quickly and without retaliating with getting into her text wars. .to teach myself how to not engage with drama or waste my time trying to teach people who don’t want to be taught. I also also cut her out to teach myself not to react & as a symoblic & spiritual gesture to the universe I don’t want to attract these people in my life anymore or the drama. She has sent numerous messages saying I’m immature because I’m not playing her game. It was a blessing in disguise & made me more aware of how stupidly trusting I am
I have also been cut off by an ex this year so it’s confronting reading the article from that perspective. He abandoned me not only with no closure but no conversation about anything. It was traumatic and I will never accept it as a way to break up with someone you love. Reading this article from his perspective has given me some insight into why he acted the way he did. He was protecting himself.
I had my epiphany moment 5 days ago when I ceased to engage the AC I am currently involved with in a simple conversation on human decency. I am not going to be teaching a grown-ass man how to be decent or treat others with respect.
I tried NC several times during the last 8 months we were involved, which is nothing more than a booty call????, at least that’s the way he treated me. But, I always go back.
This time, I walked away, didn’t respond to any of his subsequent texts. I feel good about myself now because this time around I am finally done. I will date me cos I love me, I validate me, I am pretty and smart and I am too good for him. That’s the realization that made me said to myself Enough is Enough.
He is still expecting me to crawl back to him as I normally do and he will be eager to have me back. But he is in for a huge shock. No Happy New Year greetings from me to him and definitely No happy Birthday wishes to him. His birthday is in 11 days.
That’s the New year gift to myself, to walk away with my head held high and with little self-esteem I have left.