If you’ve been reading this site for long enough there are some fundamentals you will have learned about the relationships that you find yourselves in and the experiences that they yield:
We choose men that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves.
If you predominantly carry negative ideas about yourself, love, and relationships, your partners will mirror these and exacerbate them creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We’re unknowingly (and sometimes knowingly) in sync with the poor behaviour that these men have. We adjust and accommodate and in some instances even enable them to keep doing their bullsh*t behaviour – it’s as simple as sticking around.
If you habitually choose emotionally unavailable men and find yourself in poor relationships with poor candidates on the regular, no matter what you say and believe, you are emotionally unavailable and you choose people who yield the least likely possibility for a healthy, positive relationship.
Emotionally available people don’t habitually get involved with assclowns and Mr Unavailables and when they do find themselves involved with them, they back away because it doesn’t feel healthy, comfortable, or ‘right’.
We say we want to be committed and we want to be loved, yet we choose men who can barely commit to seeing us the following week and who don’t actually love us.
And this is where some of you will become confused because:
1) you believe that you love him, or,
2) you believe that he loves you but he just doesn’t know it, or he loves you but he’s too afraid to show it, or he loves you because he tells you that he does even though his actions say different, or,
3) you believe that you have an amazing connection and this is your destiny because the sex is great/he’s funny with a great sense of humour/no-one’s ever made you feel like this before and bla, bla, bla…, or,
4) you feel that you love him and if you feel this way then surely he should appreciate how much you feel for him and love you back because you have projected how you think and feel on him and you believe that you are the best he’s ever had, or
5) you believe you can do enough loving for the both of you and that in time, he will realise it and you’ll love happily ever after.
For a start, pain is not love.
In a nutshell it’s pain and don’t go mixing the two up and thinking that you’re suffering for your love and that only real, passionate love is painful, because quite frankly, there are many people who would pass on putting themselves through this pain.
Much of the pain stems from fear and drama and we mistake our feelings of fear and penchant for drama as love, because we have poor relationship habits that have been learned over an extended period of time, often from childhood. This means that our behaviour and desires may seem completely normal and even familiar as we can be playing out subconscious patterns.
What you learn though as you become aware of your relationship habits and harness your pattern is that if we don’t address how we feel about ourselves, love, and relationships we end up with a very skewed idea of what love is.
You learn to accept crumbs, feeling grateful for slivers of attention from men who are unworthy of your energy.
You convince yourself that what you’re getting is what you deserve or it must be what you want, because surely if you didn’t want this person and this relationship then you could walk away?
You believe that the magnitude of pain that you experience is in direct correlation to the amount of love you have, hence the more pain you feel, the more in love you believe yourself to be.
You convince yourself that you’re not good enough to expect or get more and that a better relationship will elude you.
You believe that because you have such poor experiences and that time is passing that you must ‘settle’.
You become obsessed with getting attention from these men and aren’t concerned with the quality of attention so you end up with drama, either sought out or thrown in your direction. Not all attention is created equal!
You become co-dependent. The very person who is on one hand the very source of your pain also appears to be the sole source of your happiness. You can’t seem to function without them and you believe it’s because of your love when in actual fact it’s because of fear.
You think that familiar ‘butterfly’ feeling that you get around these guys is excitement and passion when in actual fact, when you have a habit of being with the same poor partners, it’s familiar fear.
You expend so much mental energy thinking about him, what you think he feels and does, what you think you do and feel, the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s and betting on potential that you lose sight of the reality of him and become obsessed and infatuated with an illusion.
Many of the dysfunctional things that happen in poor relationships are easy to bag and tag as ‘love’ and ‘passion’ but it is important to remember that reality becomes distorted in poor relationships because it’s far harder to stick around when your feet are in reality – people in poor relationships often end up on a whole other planet from their partners!
If you don’t reconcile who you think you love with the reality of who they are and the relationship you have, you will fail to process that feeling of drama and fear for what they are – fear and drama – and as long as you are doing this, you will continue to fall into a cycle of poor relationships that result in similar experiences.
Fear and drama make you dependent on surrounding yourselves in experiences and factors that make it more comfortable for you to believe that this is how things are.
Fear causes inaction and we end up being comfortable with the pattern of the very uncomfortable, because it seems far more uncomfortable to make positive changes that will not only make us accountable for our own happiness (or misery), but will throw the spotlight on where we are expending our emotional energy and reveal some uncomfortable truths.
At the end of the day, only you know your experience but if you have been involved with the type of men who yield poor experiences on a habitual basis, there will be many familiar things about what you’re experiencing and that’s a sign in itself that not only is something very wrong, but you’re actually gravitating to patterns that you can recreate over and over again, and that’s not love when it ends up causing you so much pain, fear, and drama.
The litmus test of all this is if you develop a healthier relationship with yourself which will result in healthier beliefs about love and relationships, will you still want him? Will you still love him? Or will you finally realise that you haven’t experienced love yet – you’ve just experienced pain.
I always say, if loving him means that you can’t love you, it’s not worth it.