I know somebody whose whole life is dictated by Facebook. She shares the minutiae of her life from what she eats, to the person in her office who is wearing on her last nerve, to the constant changing of her relationship status, to monitoring mutual friends of exes and their profile pages, to worrying about how she’s perceived by her peers, to ‘reconnect’ with shady exes, to blocking and unblocking – exhausting. No she’s not a teenager – she’s early 50s.
Back in the ‘olden times’ (pre-Facebook et al), you’d have had to go on Friends Reunited or your alumni site or yes, attend your school reunion to see people who under ordinary circumstances, you might have taken little interest in. Now you can be connected to old bullies and compare yourself at a click. The ‘childhood sweetheart’ who screwed you over? No problem – you can be exchanging catch up stories and suggestive messages within minutes while their spouse is in another room.
In the ‘olden times’, if you wanted to know what your ex was up to and who he/she was doing, you’d have to be hanging around outside of their work or home, making a nuisance out of yourself with their friends, or you’d have had to hire a private investigator. If you both wanted to keep in touch, you’d have had to make a hell of a lot more effort and it would take a lot more than the crumb interaction of a ‘like’ for you to convey your so-called interest in them. You never had to watch an ex start up their new life if you didn’t have to (i.e you didn’t work together or live closely) – now some of us choose to persecute ourselves by watching our ex have a great life through status updates and spying on their new partner? Why the frick would we do this to ourselves?
I hear from people who have had near meltdowns because they’ve ‘liked’ something an ex has posted on Facebook or vice versa. “What if they think I’m still in love with them?” or “Does this mean that they want to get back together?” Really? You got all of that from a ‘like’? I’ve heard similar about “Hope you’re well…” messages. Yes, really.
In the ‘olden times’, if you were suspicious of your partner, you’d have been looking for receipts in their pocket/bag, going through their stuff, or donning a wig and a mac to follow them around the place. Now, just get on Facebook and monitor who they’re friends with and then flip out at every friend you don’t approve of, likes, photos etc. You then find yourself being reduced to grilling them and trying to explain why you’re so upset or keeping your prying to yourself and torturing you.
The truth is, you would not have to spend all of this time on Facebook over someone if you had more going on between you in real life.
If you’re logging into their Facebook or demanding that they defriend people, you’re ignoring signs closer to home that all is not well in your relationship. You would not be doing these things if you felt secure in the relationship. What are you going to do? Monitor all of their internet activity forever more?
Viewing the problem as being a Facebook issue is the problem.
The actual problem is the other issues that you’re not acknowledging or are excusing or even blaming yourself for that are prompting you to be all over Facebook like a rash in the first place.
Facebook has its fun element but it’s not real life and it’s certainly not a reflection of who people are. It’s a multi billion dollar business that makes money out of advertising and the ‘data’ from its billions of users as well as other services. It might be ‘free’ but it’s not ‘free’ in the pure sense – you pay your price in data, privacy, and possibly your sanity/self-esteem.
It’s a casual relationship that you’ve started to get very serious about and it’s one-sided.
If your self-esteem is taking a bashing every time you go on Facebook, the problem isn’t so much Facebook – it’s about your potentially fragile and conditional relationship with you. Facebook then represents a torture device that becomes like a virtual ever-changing reflection of all your negative beliefs and your sense of self is shifting depending on what you read on there. It’s time for you to come off Facebook.
Just like dating, if you can’t use Facebook with your self-esteem and reality in tow, don’t use it until you can.
The connections made on Facebook don’t reflect real connections in real life. You have to put a hell of a lot more effort in to make substantial connections. I know people (and yes some of them are assclowns) who have thousands of ‘friends’ on Facebook who barely have two friends to rub together. How much attention does one person need? Some people are running harems on there – Sycophants Are Us! All of these people competing for a narcissistically inclined show-off’s attention.
If how you feel about you is dependent on how much validation you’re getting on a social network that doesn’t seem to mind changing the terms and conditions and messing with the privacy settings from one month to the next, it’s just not worth it.
I would take a break and evaluate what it is that Facebook has tapped into. When you’re a perfectionist and you believe you’re not good enough or you’re prone to comparison, Facebook is like crack to a crack fiend – you know you shouldn’t, you get your hit and then feel woeful afterwards.
If you tend to believe everything and have been caught out by Future Faking and Fast Forwarding, you may not have realised yet that some of the people that are triggering your anxiety use Facebook for peddling a fake self.
Facebook is Those Who Doth Protest Too Much in action. The more I see a couple make soppy declarations to one another on Facebook, the more I know that they’re putting on a show. When your exes new partner makes some big declaration about how ‘amazing’ they are and yada yada yada, it’s marking territory, it’s putting the message out there. Most people don’t chat out all of their business on Facebook anymore so it’s either oversharing which would indicate that they’re insecure or it’s overstating.
Recently a friend of mine has had to come off of Facebook because her sister was passive-aggressively winding her up. She felt instantly better and while she misses the fun, it’s not worth her peace of mind and she’s only going to return until she feels emotionally able.
Facebook isn’t a person and has no more power than you give it. If you feel a certain way it’s because you are using Facebook to judge you.
You would be better off defriending or at least hiding people who aren’t your friends and focusing your efforts on real life and you instead of fakery. Why are people so afraid of defriending? They don’t know about it, but aside from that, it’s your Facebook and your boundaries! Ultimately whether you use Facebook to build your self-esteem on approval or to detract from it with persecution, neither of them are healthy. It ends up becoming a comparison site for how ‘great’ peoples projected and illustrated lives are, and in the end, aside from the fact that perpetual comparison creates perpetual dissatisfaction, we’re also all just outsiders seeing ‘the show’ and we don’t really know what’s going on (unless they’re oversharing) and really, ultimately have far better things to be doing with our time and minds.
Your thoughts?
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Being inherently nosey and bad at keeping up with people, I like fb
…but I have to say that it’s a whole lot less interesting now that I’ve cut down on the stalking of exes and rivals. Sometimes I sit there and think “What did I come on here for again?”
Oh Yoghurt I’ve missed you. “Sometimes I sit there and think “What did I come on here for again?”” actually made me choke laughing!
😀 Thanks Nat – I’ve missed you too! You’d like my statuses – I made it a rule a while back only to post about minor embarrassing incidents and anything that shows me up as a geek.
After I’d met Coffee-Arse-Commenter (sorry to harp on, my ONE DATE in two years…). I found him on fb but deliberately made the decision not to add him. Firstly because I knew I was already disappearing into a small black hole of fantasy and I’d only stalk him to death.
But secondly, because if – IF – I was going to get to know him I wanted to do it the old-fashioned way, by talking to him. And listening to him. And if I wasn’t, what was the point?
I wasn’t, as it turns out, so it’s nice to think that I’ve spared myself a few months of scrolling through ALL of his pictures, reading EVERY comment and then constructing some entirely imaginary personality for him based on his flippin fb profile.
I feel that this is progress!
“….it’s nice to think that I’ve spared myself a few months of scrolling through ALL of his pictures, reading EVERY comment and then constructing some entirely imaginary personality for him based on his flippin fb profile.
I feel that this is progress!”
I read this with a great deal of hindsight and a rueful smile on my face, Yoghurt, as this is *exactly* what I did with the last ex and his fb profile – and then I promptly fell deeply in love with the gorgeous fantasy I had constructed. The rest is a sorry story that every single reader on here knows only too well for themselves.
Yes – massive progress indeed, Yoghurt! 🙂
had same thing happen to me without realising.
fb shld come with a warning
an ex assclown of mine is still on 2 yrs later ‘posting’ friends with 30 something blondes (and 20 somethings) he is an ass. no wonder his wifey left him.
Ohmygod, Yoghurt, so true!! In the past I used to nearly give myself a coronary checking up on whatever assclown I was involved with (and their female friends too – oy) and now my biggest recent Fbook excitement was giving out advice on moisturizers and gluten-free muffin recipes. No, really. I too am inherently a nosy mofo, so if I can step away from the Fbook crack pipe, anyone can. Thank you for making me laugh!!
I went off facebook for this very reason almost two years ago, and I have no intention to go back. I rarely think about facebook unless one of my friends talks about it. My life is better without it.
Nicole I couldn’t agree with you more! I went off last spring, and I feel 1000xs better, happier, and saner!
I like facebook for keeping in touch with my REAL friends on what is happening in their lives through pictures or status updates on important events.But ALOT of people seem to use it as a bragging forum, and as for the ones who post the minutia of what they’ve had for breakfast, lunch and dinner….
Diedre,
It’s insecurity and attention-seeking to be constantly posting. It’s sad!
I had an “ex” friend me on FB the other week and have since deleted him. But it’s so true. I was immediately alert as to why he decided to request me…but Facebook is such a lazy way to communicate or even take meaning from. The AC messaged me to tell me about his “amazing” life and new social scene. When I responded that things were going well I got no response! That really effed me up for longer than I want to admit
He would use FB for his harem…to like every post, comment on pictures, and post pictures of whoever his activity partner is and feed off the responses. You could just tell.
I’ve since learned that as NML says that it’s just an exaggeration really and that all is not so “amazing”
Unfortunately I’m still pissed hat he never bothered to respond…and why I even care.
What’s his deal? Problems in his amazing life?
Gina,
You’re right! it doesn’t matter!
so so so true. Facebook càn be your best friend or your worst enemy, unless you use it wisely. If you want to use it as a public diary, go ahead, but then use it like you would use a bookversion of your diary. Guard it like a lion.
I would just advice not to use it that way at all.
I have seen people say the most ridiculous stuff on fb that they THINK is private but djeez, it’s so so obvious ALL of the time. It’s so demeaning.
I have never ever put up a status or a comment or a picture or whatever that would reveal me feelings down due to anything. Even the death of a loved one.
Maybe I’m being fierce, but I always cringe at that kind of stuff, to me it’s a version of ‘that one time in bandcamp’. There are things you keep private and respectful of.
Also, I use it like I use alcohol, do not touch it when you feel down in the dumps. Don’t.
I have defriended, made many handy lists (people don’t know you have them, super convenient) and blocked people on my facebook. The first time I did this I felt guilty. Towards those people mostly (due to low self esteem) but also because even that says something about my private feelings. But I don’t care about sharing that little part of information anymore. It’s my facebook, my livingroom and only the ones I’d allow in my livingroom are allowed on my facebook. And defriending, putting in lists and blocking works both ways. I don’t want them prying in my life, and I protect myself from knowing they exist.
I do not visit the site after I have drank alcohol anymore either. That used to sabotage me a lot.
Facebook doesn’t scare me anymore like it once used to because I started to love myself and my boundaries, also by protecting them on social media.
And needless to say, the minute I declared never to want to see the ex again, I blocked him (everywhere).
And it makes THE difference in moving on.
I have a facebook account but am not that into it. I end up feeling sort of hollow after reading about things my ‘sort of friends’ do. It feels fake. I do enjoy some of the stuff my real friends post. I have often thought about whittling down my friends list to people I actually care about. It seems that ‘how many ‘ friends you have on facebook is supposed to relay some social message about you, like it’s a competition. Thankfully, my exs don’t have facebook, so I haven’t had to travel down the self torture path. I can’t say I wouldn’t.
A HUGE red flagged waved when the person I was dating removed my comment on a photo of him. We had gone to a salsa festival in two months of dating. I posted the photo I had taken of him and commented that “we had such a great time”. When my comment was removed hours later, I should have bolted. He commented that he didn’t want his nosey-ass family knowing his business. I was angry. I spent the next months obsessing who he befriended and wondered where and when he met them. I would read on his Facebook the conversations he had with other girls and the places he went without me. I was moody and angry when he called…he even accused me of being a stalker when his comments were there for all the world to see. Why did I put up with such nonsense….why did I stab myself in the heart each time I read and reread his updates on his life that he never wanted to share with me? Yet, I was like a cat on the porch crying and waiting patiently for the front door of this guy’s life to let me in. After 2-1/2 yrs…the door never opened…and I had enough sense???…to move on
Sorry you went through this Stella. I know what it feels like to be referred to as being “stalkerish” just for knowing basic info FB offered about this one EUM (hello!? keep up with technology-it’s all out there for everyone to see). FB is unfortunately a stalker-enabling technology, and it’s hard to navigate that thin line of privacy when, well, there really ISN’T any privacy. FB makes boundary-crossing easy but it also makes it seem like there aren’t any boundaries.
Fortunately, when it comes to social media we can set boundaries on ourselves–how much time we spend on it, comparing ourselves to others, who we friend (and that includes narcissistic EUM’s who LOVE the attention from their ever increasing harem but blame/criticize us if we have expectations of them) and basically, whose lives we monitor. It’s hurtful to be called a stalker, but what’s most hurtful is continuing to monitor someone’s life when they obviously don’t deserve us in it. It’s good you’re moving on. Keep strong! hugs
Nine months into my relationship with exAC I googled and found out he was on FB. Nver told me, I had no desire to be on FB, but did when I found out he was on there. He was friends with a couple women he said he never talked to (ex flings) and this particular woman we had a big controversy around – turns out he admitted last year he slept with her 6 weeks after my mom died when we were still together. AND his relationship status said single – WOW. I hate FB!! ANd don’t like him too well either – LOL!!
I have never really understood Facebook I rarely post a status update or even sign in.
It is good to look at photos from family members who live overseas.
My ex ac wanted to be my friend something I can’t understand to this day, I just denied his request.
The ex eum didn’t want to be Facebook friends and only once did I put my hand in the fire and checked his relationship status ouch never again.
The guy I had a fling with also wanted to be friends I didn’t accept.
Another guy I dated I did become friends with I look at my list of friends and he is still there but we never chat it is as though we never knew each other.
But it is true those who are my friend in real life most of them aren’t my friend on facebook interesting.
Great post am staying away unless I hear there is an update in photos from overseas family.
I love BR! This one hit close to home. Oh Facebook – the pain you have caused me! I have been on the other end of the FB Stalking and I eventually had to ask my friends to stop tagging me in pictures or out ANYWHERE, as even the most innocent picture or comment would provide the A**clown ex an opening to text or email me with things that he knew would goad me into a response. I’ve lately been accused of de-friending him when I didn’t (and why didn’t I?! Because I am still working on ‘boundary issues’ from being co-dependent for years). The good thing is I now recognize this as a last ditch attempt to somehow still control and manipulate me. De-friending is in his future…
Never had facebook, never will. Sorry to say this but it seems to me those constantly on facebook don’t have a life. I also don’t have a cell phone just a land line and am quite happy. I like to live a simple life with my music, books, art and actual real conversations from time to time.
Yep, I’m with you MaryC. 🙂 Books, art, music, real people. What more can you ask for in life?
Likewise! I’ve never had a facebook account, nor will I ever. It’s a losers’ game.
Everyone I know has an account, and half of those people are overwrought about facebook. They think about facebook. They worry about facebook. They spend hours and hours every day with facebook on in the background. They spend weeks ‘cultivating’ photographs of themselves for facebook. They lie, they exaggerate, they show off, they brag. They always pretend they’re better friends than they really are with people they ‘friend’ on facebook. They argue about stuff on facebook. They upset themselves about something someone said to someone who said that thing about that other thing… on facebook. It’s a drag. A boring, trite, useless drag.
From my perspective, hearing people yap on about facebook is like tuning into Big Brother halfway through a series. Seriously, who the hell cares about whatever you’re crying about and whatever she’s screaming about and whatever that one with the pink hair is doing trying to appear ‘interesting’.
I have nothing to do with that garbage, and yet I’m just as well informed as anyone else is about proper news — who’s got a new job, who’s moving to a new city, who’s got a new girlfriend, who broke a leg skiing, who adopted a new dog after their elderly dog died. Gee how do I know all this stuff? I talk to my friends and family. I see them. I email them. I’m in touch.
I’ve always thought FB feeds off two aspects of the human psyche which aren’t particularly positive: the first is the bragging element (so pictures of people in their wedding dress; their children as their profile pic etc) then secondly there is voyeurism i.e. looking at other people’s lives and imagining how much better off they are than you.
I would love to come off it but having lived abroad, I find it a useful tool for keeping up to date with friends I don’t see that often – in fact it has revitalised some of these friendships.
However I have started to hide people from my feed who I know will make postings that I will use to feel bad about myself. I have also blocked all my exes and although I have been tempted to look them up I am proud to say with the tools I’ve learnt from BR I’ve managed to avoid this temptation so far and feel all the better for it.
I just now need to summon the courage to not check it every other hour and do something more positive with my time but for some reason it is so addictive!
Yoghurt, I don’t know who you are, but I like you. 🙂 I didn’t choke like Natalie did, but I did snort!
Thankfully, neither exAC, nor ex-I-don’t-know-you-weren’t-invited roommate, nor ex-landlord, are on fb. ExAC#1 is, and he was hidden a long time ago.
I was hired at this job to run a reading series and FB helped me publicize the first event: they hadn’t used FB for publicity before. Huge success: we were standing-room only. FB is good for that.
But when I turn to facebook because I’m bored, it’s no good. I’m there because I have nothing else to do, and suddenly everyone else can seem to have so much more to do than me. And twenty minutes later, I look up and I’ve been scrolling through all kinds of stuff from people I barely know.
I bought some paints recently and have started drawing and painting. I post my attempts on my own page for only me to see. I figure eventually I’ll have a little online gallery to mark my progress! Hmm. Maybe I could do tumblr or pinterest for that.
When all that crap was going on re my landlord, absolutely NONE of it ended up on facebook. All of my grief around biological family: NONE of it goes on facebook. Nor any of my BR learning. I like to think that people who really know me know more dimensions than what goes up on FB.
Actually, makes me wonder, what dimension of me DOES go up on FB?
very good point – what dimension does go up on facebook.
I’ve switched off all updates excepting important ones (e.g. relationship change) from everyone except 3 friends, and use fb mainly to discuss project work in groups, and receive (and share) feeds from newspapers and sites like br. I find most of my peers are also tired of facebook now – I’m a mature student back in college and the kids are also getting bored with it.
Also facebook is trying some rather desperate tactics to get people on it – suggesting friends, setting up phantom profiles – the neediness is quite a turn off:) To paraphrase another BR-er (cc? runnergirl?) I think – facebook is EU lol
I hate FB so much. Sorry, but it’s true! Research has come out suggesting that FB causes people to be more narcissistic, lonely, and (ironically) more disconnected. I log in about once a week to see if I have any new messages. That’s about it. I’m a pretty private person, and I don’t want everybody knowing my business. I had no problem deleting my ex as a friend on FB. It was one of the first things I did, and it was such a relief. That thing cased me so much anxiety! Of course, as the post relates, the anxiety was ultimately related to the state of the relationship and not FB per se.
During the entire time we were together, he kept his relationship status as “single”. It didn’t bother me at the time, because the relationship was seemingly healthy. I did feel slightly awkward when I suggested that we change It to “engaged” after we got engaged. But after I caught him out in some pretty significant lies, FB was TORTURE. I was suspicious of every ex gf that posted on his wall “you’re the bees knees!” (I kid you not). After we broke up and got back together it bothered me that he was still friends with a girl he had flirted with while we were broken up. “Is he messaging her behind my back?” And of course I became a crazy Columbo and dissected his wall until I found out when they had initially become friends (which was several months before what he previously told me.)
Ohmygosh the torture and insecurity that created! But it really isn’t about FB. Hell, I wasn’t really all that bothered that he listed himself as “single” during the entire time we were together. I only went bat sh*t crazy over this stuff when I found out he had lied. FB didn’t create the problems. It just revealed the problems that were there: this guy is kinda shady and I’m torturing myself trying to figure out whether or not I can trust him, even though he’s proven he is a liar. And of course I created a lot of trouble and drama for the relationship by questioning him about his activities on FB. I should have sucked it up and chosen to trust him, or I should have walked away knowing that I couldn’t. I’m still not sure what would have produced the greatest results, but I’m leaning towards the latter.
So sorry you went through that Laurie. Your experience so illustrates what Nat is talking about. FB is just a modern dimension to the age-old issue of trust. I had laugh (so sorry) about dissecting his wall. I wouldn’t know how to do that. Is that like going through his suit pockets and finding the OW’s number? If so, that’s your answer. I don’t do FB other that to find out what my daughter is doing on any given evening. I did find out she had permanently broken up with one bf and was “in a relationship” with another. That was helpful.
I tortured myself in person with a liar, trying to figure out whether I could trust a liar. I’m no longer inclined to trust a liar whether he is on FB or in person. Isn’t a liar a liar? No reason to suck it up and trust a liar, right?
Note: Which is higher, FB stock or gas prices in SO CAL?
LOL!!!! Runnergirl that was CLASSIC!!! I live in SoCal too. Ayeayeaye, these damn gas prices.
It’s so funny runnergirl. I’ve been reading the book Safe People (which is amazing btw) and in plain English, clearly stated it (basically) reads: “You should not trust someone who lies. Run away as fast as you can. This is not a safe person.”
Oooohhh, ok. Now I get it.
I can’t believe I needed a book to tell me that I shouldn’t trust liars. Good Lord.
Good for you for deleting the ex immediately. I think that’s the healthiest course to take.
One of the blows that ended my marriage was when one of my husband’s ex-girlfriends popped up again as his “friend” on FB. She had blown him off in the past when he’d tried to get back in touch with her, but this time she was unhappy in her marriage and looking around for solace. Now my ex and I have been divorced for two years and her husband just filed on her. FB can be a pernicious little thing.
Hey Linden. I’m sorry that happened to you. I think Natalie’s point in the post was that FB isn’t the CAUSE of these problems but it is a reflection of the problems that are already there.
I don’t know if my ex was cheating on me. Honestly, I really don’t think he was. He was allergic to the truth, and I had every reason not to trust him. Relationships cannot survive without trust. I think FB is often just an accelerant for unhealthy relationships that are already burning down.
Worst thing I did was look up the ex’s new gf on Facebook. He’s not on it but now I have a “face” in those thoughts in my head that sometimes won’t go away.
I knew my relationship with my last long-term BF was doomed when he was upset that I put that HE was the person I was in a relationship with (we’d been together for over a year, intensely, at that point), accusing me of being ‘territorial’, then demanding that I change my picture IMMEDIATELY because he didn’t want people to think he was in a relationship with a not hot woman. Mind you, of his 15 FB friends, and I use the word friends loosely, as most of them were either his ex’s friends or his college friends he seldom saw, I had met most of them and they seemed to like me just fine. But the real issue was…he was after another woman, had ‘friended’ her and I think he didn’t want her to know who I was. Never mind she was married.
Needless to say, I unfriended him ASAP.
I have seen my daughter be on the receiving end of a lot of FB mean-girl drama. My ex husband, on his page, acknowledges that he has a wife and many step-children, but does not acknowledge that he has his own children. I had friends play out a huge friendship splitting drama on facebook.
My philosophy is, unless it makes me laugh, or makes someone else laugh, I ain’t postin’ it. I still don’t get how people play out personal dramas in such a public format.
A “not hot woman?” How fucking dare he???!!! Sorry about my language but I am outraged.
Yeah, he used to do that stuff to me all the time, compare me to his ex, old girlfriends. I don’t, for the life of me, know why I put up with it for so long. But courtesy of BR and all the great folks here I developed a much better sense of self, so when he called 9 months after dumping me and I refused to take him back he was totally shocked.
Kudos for not actually thumping him, Tracy – what a sad little git.
Tracy I am gobsmacked; what a loser and so glad that you are rid of him.
I gotta say though. a small thwack would have been tempting…
All of this chatter reminds me of why I cannot do FB. I am single trying to date on line and that is bad enough. Years ago when I was a newby I had the shock of seeing a man who said he loved…still looking around on line. That and a few other misteps has given me massive trust issues with men.
Three years ago I had a really bad break up and I admit to going into a major depression over a man who was totally wrong for me. I heard from him recently and I can see that he is still awful. Lonliness makes us make bad choices.
I know I a addicted to dating web sites! To stop looking feels like giving up but I am on a Hampster wheel getting nowhere. The guys I am attracted to are jerks and the ones who are attracted to me are not attractive to me.
Face Book would be like a alcoholic working in a bar for me.
Has anyone every stopped on line dating profiles…and then found a realtionship the old fashioned way?
I am an new empty nester…and I feel so vulnerable.
Valley,
Is your life full outside of work? Do you regularly interact with friends,and engage in different activities? Are you happy, or is your happiness based on having a partner in your life?
FB is cool when you have a Real Life; are associating with real friends but anything in between or outside of that is just a waste of time…. I don’t do status updates. Nobody really cares where you are or what you’re doing; what you’re eating or how you are appear to be doing so well in your marriage; relationship etc when you DON’T owe anyone an explanation ANYWAY. Facebook is great when used appropriately and for the right reasons but some people totally abuse it and should learn when to take a Break. Its totally okay to do so. My news feed gets adjusted every time I log on and I love it!! I can finally see more light and less darkness.
I actually think it stirs up trouble!! I am a private person we have a girls night out and can’t stand it when they take pictures and post them without your permisson but, thats technology. I avoid facebook as much as possible I cherish the REAL friends I have.
I’ve been off FB for over a year now. Sometimes I miss it, generally for the Events part and being able to share photos with friends.
I ended up having to delete it due to breaking up with my EUM. In the time we were together I had amassed a large number of mutual friends. So even blocking him on FB I could still see all his comments on other people’s posts/status and it was torture! And after a while it wasn’t about him, it was about all of them running around, having parties, living it up and I just wasn’t in that space anymore and I also started realising that a lot of what goes on up there is mindless chatter (which believe me I contributed to).
I had 2 options, defriend all the people with connections to him or just defriend FB. In the end it was much easier to defriend FB.
One of the most amazing things I’ve learnt from closing FB, is you know who your real friends are. I think it’s just that little more special when someone actually takes the time to call you or message to organise a catch up. My life is just as fulfilled, I still have options for practically every night of the week and I don’t have as much anxiety. FB reduced me to a few years of feeling like I was right back in high school and yes for those of us who don’t have the best self-esteem; it can really knock you around. And now I get to be one of those people who can be a total twatter about not being on FB 🙂
I have learned the hard way to stay clear of FB for long periods of time. So much time even goes by that I sometimes forget I have an account there. I’m actually just opening a ptofessional page for my published articles and looking to delete my personal page. I could care less who go married or had a baby or took a dump! I feel life in real time is so much more exciting.
I bumped into my ex at a coffee shop the other day with my old roommate (now her booty call.). I happened to be there with a date. After an awkward hello and civil introductions, we proceeded to leave the premises. I shit you not, within an hour of the encounter’ the ex was all over my fb profile liking and commenting on posts. Can you say toxic snooper? Needless to say I had a real thing for this woman so I never deleted her. After this episode I had such a bad taste in my mouth I decided to remove myself from site completely. Over it? Absolutely.
When I was still having a future faking fantasy relationshit with the exEUM, I didn´t dare get on FB because I (unconsciously) expected to run into the multiple flirtations this idiot had with girls I didn´t even know existed – and we´ve known each other for years and have many friends in common.
I never looked at his page, but sometimes these “cute” conversations he had would come on my newsfeed, or I would find out he liked some sexy girl´s picture or whatever. It seems silly, but it was hell!
The thing is, some years back, when we were still just friends, he was very private and erased everything from his page, and defriended people he didn´t know well each month so only a few remained (I was one of the lucky few). Now he has become Mr.Facebook Harem King, I wonder if he ever spends much time in real life.
For a while, my fantasy was that he´d put me in his relationship status, and we´d post a picture of the two of us together… I can´t believe how twisted things become when you take FB so seriously.
Now I just use it to check messages and to have all my contacts in one place, I rarely post pictures or status updates.
It seems like such a waste of time.
I have friends who actually waste their life guessing songs on FB or having a virtual farm or whatever. I think I have better things to do with my life.
I really long for the days FB wasn’t around. When the AC & I started, he didn’t have FB. I remember actually saying I was so glad he wasn’t on there because it seemed to only create problems in relationships. Couple of months later, he opened an account. The funny thing is after that point, the bulk of our communication was via FB messages as we were long-distance and he never spent a dime calling me. I defriended him once after I saw he added a bunch of “internet models” and then another time I got upset because he was openly flirting with a female friend on there. Besides messaging, we generally avoided each other on FB- never commenting on each other’s statuses or walls or anything. To anyone who didn’t know we were involved, I was just another girl on his friend list.
4 months ago, I went to visit him & that’s when I saw his true AC self. I returned back home & didn’t hear a word from him. After a week, I defriended him & then immediately regretted it. Even months later, when I am stuck in my ruminating mode, I sometimes think that me defriending him is what really ended it for us. Never mind the fact that he treated me like crap after I spent $600 on a plane ticket to see him & then didn’t try to make any contact with me afterwards. When I called him 6 weeks after that visit, he coldly told me it was over. I cried my eyes out & blocked him on FB. In moments of weakness, I have went & unblocked him just to look at his page & see who he’s added. Ridiculous, I know. I eventually came to the point where I needed a serious break & deactivated my account. I think it’s better for me this way as I like being completely removed from FB. I’ve lived abroad & have friends all over, so it is useful to keep up with them. But sadly, right now, it is much too hard for me to even log on there.
I am so glad that I never joined Facebook. Something about it just seemed so artificial and wrong to me and I’m glad I trusted my gut on that and never got on. I know that I would have had weak moments and looked at things (like my ex’s AC’s profile)that would have made me feel worse. I did a great job after the break-up of feeling bad about myself all on my own, thank you very much, didn’t need any outside help. BR helped me A LOT during those dark times. No Contact works! I just wish FB wasn’t so ingrained in our culture…I mean if some people enjoy it-great, good for them. I entered a on-line contest the other day and FB users got an extra entry for “liking” their product. I felt excluded for NOT being on FB. I can only imaging how I would feel if I was in a vulnerable state after looking at so-called “friends” profiles and ex’es bloated projections of their “amazing new lives”. My ex-AC did eventually find me on Linked-In and sent a “link” request a couple times, my solution? I ignored it.
Deirdre.
I never would have expected to see my real name on here! It looks so strange. Hi, Deirdre, namesake. Be prepared for the spelling to get screwed up. ( I see someone just did so). Not to be dissing BR women, but it’s been my life experience. You and I spell it correctly.
Now, about FB. I have quite an extensive timeline of photos, slogans which are for my own purpose of reflection. Just the other day I defriended someone who hogs my email way too much, and I’ve never met her, but we know some of the same people, so we ended up “friends”. Another person who is actually a very good friend is addicted to FB. She reports every thought, feeling and action. She too, is in her 50’s. I’ve often wanted to ask her, “What in the world do you get out of it?” And, all this competition to collect the most number of friends. i don’t get it. To me it’s juvenile. I don’t like it. Only when I’m being reflective I’ll go on there to read MY STUFF that has helped me in my emotional growth, and view old pics of family. That’s about it. otherwise it’s dumb in my, IMHO.
Take FB not too seriously and with a grain of salt I say :). I recently got rid of mine with a ridic number of ‘friends’ and made a new one, close friends and family only. Definitely no Assowns! I agree with the bragging rights and attention seeking…good example, a serial cheater assclown I once ‘knew’ and now have no association with posting some glorified quote about ‘How making ‘mistakes’ has shaped him as a person and he’d take none of them back as life is to be enjoyed!’…. haha x
Thank GOD I don’t have Facebook any more! I stopped that sh**t years ago. No offense to Facebookers, but it’s just not for me. I like to stay off the grid as much as possible, lol.
Having said that, I can just PICTURE how hard it would be if I was still on FB and was trying to get over my ex. I would be looking at his page of pictures with the new girl and saying to my computer, “Oh it’s like THAT, motherf**ker?”
Yep. Not healthy.
Great post, NML. I was thinking about this recently.
I used to be the type of annoying person who’d over-share everything on facebook. Perhaps I was overcompensating. I was posting all these cheesy updates about a boyfriend I had…and let me tell you I was unhappy and abused in that relationship so it was definitely overcompensating. I used to share too much about my troubles with mental health. And I used to add people I hardly knew or that I’d only had a few minutes conversation with. I used to take their acceptance as some sort of friendship tie. I only deleted that abusive ex last week after seeing a post on this blog.
Back in Autumn 2011 I was still indulging some bad habits. But after reading this blog, I began to realise that I want to live an authentic life and that this included adjusting some of my facebook behaviour. I now choose not to add anyone because I want to feel like they like me enough as a person to add me themselves. But nor do I take that as some sacred friendship bond. I don’t accept friend requests from strangers or people I don’t feel I know well enough. I delete people I fall out of contact with, without feeling guilty. I delete people who disrespect me. I now try not to use facebook as a first stop for communication and reach for the phone first. I don’t share personal info.
I’m disappointed with myself sometimes for the self-indulgence involved in posting status updates as well as posting new profile pictures – feels like vanity. Well maybe the more people I delete, the less I’ll feel like I’m doing it to show off (because it’s for the benefit of good friends only). As I said above, I only want to pursue closeness with people in real life. I know I haven’t put much into proper daily interactions as I can, and being less reliant on facebook will allow me to do that.
I think facebook and other social media can become a crux for people who are shy or lonely. I’m very shy and I believe that when I started using it, it was about me trying to find an outlet to be outgoing without actually doing so in real life. It was just a cover-up for my insecurities though. Now it’s still indispensable but I’m trying to wind down my contacts so I don’t get caught up in false friendships.
I still have a tendency to over share in real life and I can’t fathom why. I have to remind myself not to talk so much about my sex life or mental health history with people I hardly know. I really will have to reign that in.
Lucy
Well done for sorting out your fb-life! I’m lucky, in that by the time it came about I was already a professional and living in too small a place to be telling everyone everything. If it had been around when I was younger then it would’ve been chockablock of inappropriate detail… remember it didn’t come with instructions!
Have you thought about deleting your profile and starting a new one instead? You could add your ‘real’ friends and all the old stuff and ancient status updates would be gone – you might find it cathartic – You’re Not That Girl Anymore.
With the shyness – it IS so much easier to think of and say the right thing when you’ve got the luxury and taking time over it and amending it first! It’s a far less satisfying way of living your life, though, and I’m convinced that interaction is one of those things that you get better at/find easier with practice, so stick with it.
In terms of the over-sharing in RL, again I’m often the same. I think that it’s natural to want to share the details of your life with people, and if your sex-life/ mental-health issues are top of your list of concerns then that’s going to be what you want to share.
Given that they’re quite private topics, though, I’d suggest maybe trying to ‘bump’ them off the top of your concerns list by trying new hobbies and interests – if you spend an evening a week at a cooking-class, for example (I WISH I could do this!) then that’s likely to be something that you’d rather talk about.
Thanks Yoghurt.
I may delete my profile when I get into sorting out my life after graduation. And yeah I think it will be cathartic. 🙂
As for the shyness, I’ve already made so many gains with that. So I don’t reach out to people in a “try too hard” way on Facebook. Instead, I make an effort in real life. Sometimes I want to comment on someone’s post and then realise “how weird it’d look” which I guess shows how well you really know someone.
I will follow your advice and make sure that my social life is full enough that I don’t end up saying something inappropriate. Funnily enough I’m much less tragic and shaky since leaving my last boyfriend. I think he made me neurotic without me noticing (I thought it was all my fault). And when I was him I was more prone to spontaneous outbursts around people. I guess I felt really unloved.
Another thing that gets to me in dating is when I start talking to someone and they say “do you have Facebook?”. It just seems kind of phony to me, since I’m trying to become more authentic. I knew recently that a guy liked me. Then I received a friendship request from him, which I accepted. But he has not talked to me much in real life. I wonder if he was using Facebook to scope me out.
I’m looking forward to moving to another place to leave some emotional baggage behind, if you know what I mean. I live in a small town and the person I was is still the person people think I am. And news of your involvement with anyone gets around so quickly. I want to be a clean slate to people again. Do you ever feel like that?
I changed my Facebook so that my surname is not on my profile. I’ve amended it so that my friends list doesn’t show, and so that I don’t appear as a mutual friend on anyone’s lists. I’m thinking that if they can’t find me, they should be able to ask without it being awkward. Then I know that they know me well enough to be asking in the first place!
I needed this today too! Had a rather meh saturday night with a friend who maybe isnt the right fit for me I start to realise… after 3 large glasses of wine and feeling wintery and miserable I came home and made the ‘excellent’ decision to look at the xAC facebook page (musician ‘fan’ page) and wallop! Set me back months of healing and getting better. I managed to infer so much information from every post and photo – gigs? Having a wonderful time getting on with a wonderful exciting life while I am still stuck. Smiling? So happy to be rid of me – I was unworthy of him. Posing with “fans”? Everyone loves him he is so charismatic and funny and I am just a nobody with zero charisma, man he must feel relieved he got away from me. And so on and so on.
So after months of leaps and bounds in self esteem building, feeling better about myself and actually…starting to GENUINELY like myself… I clicked on the self-destruct page and it all came tumbling down. I dont think it will take too much of a toll on me this time, I have learnt a lot (thanks Nat), but lesson learned. I wont be doing that again!
Geez, Marianna. An ex of mine (though I’m WAY over him now) was also a musician, and I looked on his MySpace page (I know, I know) and found him smiling at gigs with a bunch of hotties, etc. He looked like he was “living the life” but who was it that used to massage out his carpal-tunneled wrists backstage before gigs? Who was it that used to talk him through panic attacks? It was me. And I was one of the few who knew who he really was: a scared little boy. I’m glad those photos didn’t fool you.
wow marianna miaow, i have had those same nights and the same reactions, so sorry to hear you felt that way but feel better knowing you’re not alone.
I am so grateful my recent EUM is not on faceboook.I already freaked out when I saw his Skype contact list go up from 19 to 20. Of course, I am SURE he’s talking to another woman already and this was reason for great upset the other day. I am sick in the head and I NEED TO LET GO.
With the EUM before, which was also a major AC, it took me months of daily stalking his facebook, especially since he had a new girlfriend just days after our break up. Every time I saw an update or photo, a comment or even a like related to her, I would have a massive breakdown again. You can just imagine my despair when he changed his relationship status to ‘in a relationship with…’ Defriending is the only option. You drive yourself insane otherwise.
I’ve just de activated my account. I know I’ll be back on in a short while but my self esteem is pretty low right now, and I find myself pulling towards putting up negative status’s about my state of mind! So figured it best to stay off for a while! Im the first to moan when other people put up attention seeking posts, and thrive off of all the comments telling them how wonderful they are.
My real friends have noticed and contacted me to ask if I’m ok (I’m usually on Facebook loads) as for anyone else, well they can just sit and wonder!!!
Makes me laugh when u put up a miserable status and you get some girl you went to school with and haven’t seen for 25 years post ‘you ok Hun, inbox me if you wanna chat’!!! Why would I tell intimate stuff to someone I haven’t seen for 25 years???
It is a curse really , i wasnt on it for a long time and when the exmm ended things way back first time i went on it ( didnt know he on there) he fb requested me i refused . As we got back in touch his page became open like mine and i knew we look at each others , he even friend requested somone je didnt know who was flirting with me to check him out . But yes you do stalk id check out every girl he friended etc . One of hareem on there let cat out of bag bout new oow and thats how im here today ,
She not on there but as i went paramiod i sussed out bits from fb thst dhe was hoing gigs etc so he started to hide stuff from his timeline and bands but couldnt block me as hed hsbe to explain . I found out from one of his dtstus his wife having another baby he couldnt tell me . Since all of this i come off and then went back on and i wss calmer off it what you dont know wont hurt , every time i saw harreem slurping all over him made me feel sick . When i ent back on my heart wpuld race id become that ill with it all so i blocked him, band anyone i didnt want to see , thing is i know hes got a few extra profiles on there so am closing my page right down and keeping it to my friends only .its anothet place for people to flirt and cheat , can you trust anyone these days st all ? Tbh just blocking him etc so i cant hurtyself has made me a lot lot calmer . It is for braggers and attention seekers etc its a horrid thing . But in a way id have never have known id be unaware not knowing why hed gone off . Least it helped me see him for what he is
For me, FB is 90% for sharing photos with friends and family. We are all long distance from each other. I no longer try to maintain friendships or relationships via FB, it’s too shallow. At the very most, it’s just a bit of fun and a possible useful marketing tool.
As for the fantastic photos and udpates etc., no-one is going to post pics of the hours and hours they spend cleaning, watching tv, at their desk, eating, sleeping, commuting. It’s all edited highlights.
The ex-MM (who I did NOT get physical with, I shudder at the thought now) really did show off a lot of FB and had a FB harem. He was a teacher and some of it seemed borderline illegal.
Get a life!
Oh I so agree with you Nat! I get so many questions about Facebook – I would say literally 50% of questions I’m getting at the moment contain something about Facebook in them. That makes me think that it is NOT good for relationships!
Oh yeah, tell me about it…this post is exactly at the time I need it. As is everything else on this amazing blog. Of course, only discovered it after I got that feeling in the gut that a guy I was melting for is preparing his way for leaving:( on the topic-I agree unfriending is the best way, for you don’t get drawn to check his profile anymore (if he hasn’t blocked you) and upset yourself “with your own hands”. But easier said than done…at the moment I’m also struggling with the idea of unfriending a guy, who was showering me with attention for several months,came to visit me(we live in different countries), and then dissapeared in 10 days:( I get all those stupid thoughts, like “what our common friends would think when they see I’ve unfriended him(well some of them know the situation, so probably wouldn’t be surprised); what would he think (though probably he wouldn’t think of it at all if he didnt even bother to tell me hes not interested anymore); unfriending would show I’m hurt (but hell yeah, I am!)” and etc. I keep convincing myself that why would I care about oppinion of smb who obviously didn’t even care to say goodbye in a respectful way…Never had a problem with unfriending such assclowns, except now…hopefully both you, ladies, and I, soon find will to get those guys out of our FB accounts and heads also!!! p.s. @books – its not the unfriending that ended your “relationship”, its the guy!
Facebook was no good for a Fallback girl like me.I was comparing my life,figure ( fatness )social life and popularity, to other people and it was not healthy.Facebook like Mr unavailables is full of falseness with little substance underneath. real friends like really good men dont need to show off. Im so happy that Mr unavailables arent in my life aanymore. Goodbye Facebook, goodbye Mr unavailables , hello happy authentic life!!
I use facebook all the time. I post baggage reclaim on it and it acts like a MEGA WARNING SIGNAL to all intending ACs and EUMS to BACK THE HELL OFF.
Very effective! Keep up the postcard format images with the posts! TOA
hey TOA; I have not seen your posts here in a while…where you just hanging out on Facebook lol? Just kidding…nice to see you on here, I forgot how your name made me laugh.
A friend (and pun intended ) once said that I should get on Crackbook and keep up with the times. Never have time for this and who gives a rats about whether someone “likes” my comments anyway? Did on occasion write some serious environmental /social activist stuff and that was taken about as seriously as what someone did on their day off. So much for being a forum for intellectual discourse.
this post nails it for me. i am a bit of an insecure person and facebook has caused nothing but drama for me. firstly ex EUM’s mother deleted and blocked me from his facebook when he left his account open. Secondly she collaborated with his cousin to put him as ‘engaged’ with her and a nice profile pic of them together at his sisters wedding. his mother wanted him to marry this girl. EUM was overseas when mother dear decided to do some investigating as to who he was seeing, while she was overseas with him.it was due to the fact that i called him while he was overseas and she picked up the phone. i realised the moment i was blocked when i tried to go onto his facebook to post him a message. and i see a photo of him and this girl and engaged. so i literally waited till he came back and called and hounded him about it. i was very upset. he denied the engagement, but also refused to add me back on ..more so, used excuses everytime such as ‘im never on fb’, and i dont want my ‘conservative’ family seeing he has a GF ‘don’t call me again about facebook’.so fast forward and a year a bit later after he disappears on me..yes, i stalk and see his in a ‘relationship with a young girl! so of course the shock and horror of it that i felt. that i wasn’t ‘good’ enough to be in a relationship with him on fb status. the relationship didnt last long with this girl…perhaps a month or so. but i felt betrayed because in the 2 years he was seeing me, he never ackowledged me as anything and after his mum deleted me, never added me back on. i send him a request 2 months ago after we had become friends . this request sat there until recently when he saw me with this guy (my friend) out on the weekend.i introduce him to my friend and he literally accepted the request the next day.anyway i asked him recently why he accepted it and his words were ‘because you asked me to’…
i believe EUMS use facebook to gain control. he was seeing me, having sex with me, but didn’t want me to be ‘there’ in a sense. keeping me away from a whole lot of things.
anyway, its easy for people like me, a little insecure, jealous to let it control me. i am still on facebook. i have ‘real’ friends and we communicate, he’s still on my FB, but i do think we take FB a little too seriously, but it does reflect real life. he kept me away from his ‘real’ life. he kept me away from his FB life. i know everyone is different, but i dont see the problem in acknowledging that you are in a relationship with someone on FB..i mean, whats there to hide, really? unless there is something there to hide…thats when it gets suspicious
Jasmine,
This man treated you terribly! Why are you still connected to him?
Stella, I too went through something similar. Ex EUM didn’t want most people to know that he was dating me, said extended family was “nosey” etc. He introduced me as his “friend” to girls, hit on women in front of me. He removed a few of my comments, tried to dictate my FB posts. When I finally decided to start NC by not calling or texting, he tried to kiss up on FB and made a comment that he thought would win me back. I took him off my FB soon after.
I am alot stronger now and don’t tolerate guys telling me what I can and can’t post on FB and if a guy won’t make his relationship with me, public, it is a dealbreaker.
exact same thing heather as me…i forgot to say EUM deleted my comments too..i wrote stuff like “i miss you”..he told me, he didnt want relatives seeing it and asking questions..also untagged photos of us two together.
“” if a guy won’t make his relationship with me, public, it is a dealbreaker.””
much agreed!!
I don’t agree with people bashing FaceBook. I think it is an excellent communication tool if used wisely. I live in a different country than my family and for me is a good way to feel connected to my love ones. Yes it is true there are people that create a lot of drama out of facebook but mostly is the people that don’t have a job or career or a life.
Some of those people i either defriend them or just change the settings so i don’t have to see their posts unless they post something on my wall or message me.
I am not perfect and i used to follow what my ex was doing, but as it has been said, there is a BIG difference in what these people project on their facebook and what the reality of their life is.
I take it as it is, just a web page, blog, or whatever you want to call it, it is not real life so it is not to be taken as so.
Agree with you Allie.
I think it’s a matter of personal preference, but I don’t particularly see fb as a blessing or a curse, it’s just a thing. Like a plane is just a thing – it’s a good thing when it’s carrying doctors to disaster areas and it’s a bad thing when it’s full of bombs and headed for a school. It all comes down to how people use it.
I do wish, though, that people (myself three years ago included) were more aware of how modern communication technology really limits the quality of human interaction. Every day in school I see teenaged girls sitting round a table together, all staring intently at their phones and texting/fbing away. I keep saying “Look. In fifteen or twenty years time it’ll be the biggest treat that you can imagine to have ALL of your friends in one place to talk to and spend time with. Put the blessed things away!”
Even writing letters and phoning aren’t as satisfying/challenging/revealing as seeing someone – anyone – face-to-face and imo texting and fbing are to conversation what a tamagotchi is to a dog.
Yoghourt
I agree. Online communication is essentially inauthentic compared to a real life communication. Even as a small example when we write “lol” are we really laughing out loud? Almost certainly not, although we may thinking the thing is funny. It’s nothing at all like actually having a laugh with someone in real life. A real conversation flows in real time and is spontaneous and has many noverbal elements of eye contact, tone of voice, body language. There’s a good reason why many ACs are so very keen on it as allows avoidance of intimacy and lying. The fact is FB and the like absorbs a lot of time for many people and it is inevitable that it will cut down time available real life interaction and activity. Most of my colleagues -lawyers – don’t do it at all; I think theres a
greater awareness of privacy and how much weirdness there is out there.
The exMM had hundreds of FB friends and was online constantly. Massive narcissist.
Haha, I HATE “lol” – the kids at school say it now instead of actually laughing out loud, can you think of anything more depressing?
During the lonely stage (which hasn’t entirely ended!) I found fb the most unsatisfying companion ever, no matter how many people commented on my status (which I also stopped feeling like doing – who wants to tell the world that you’re on Day 217 of Being Miserable?). In a way it kept me in the loop, but then perhaps I would’ve made more effort to keep MYSELF in the loop if it hadn’t been there?
At any rate, I think it’s one of those things that are fine in its place as an organisational/communication tool – like texting is fine if you want someone to pick you up some milk at the shop – but no sort of alternative to a full happy life.
I’m actually dead tempted to deactivate my account for a while now, just to break the cycle and see what difference it makes. I still log onto it every time I’m on my computer, even if I don’t pay much attention to it now…
Woohoo! I’ve actually done it! I’m fb-free!
I may rejoin it when I’ve got into the habit of ringing/talking to more people and Doing More Stuff.
I’ve seen uses such as “I lol’d”, he,he! Where is the English language going!
I have spent countless hours on facebook stalking the facades of others and wating for a naracissistic hit. I’ll put out a picture or a status update, hope someone “likes” it and then, bam, I get a high, only to then feel lower than I did before I waisted two hours of my life I can never get back. I read a quote that went something like this: Facebook puts on a pretense that tries to make mediocre experiences look awesome. Yup.In the time I spend on facebook each night, I could, I don’t know, call a friend, a loved one, make 10 sandwhiches, practice my guitar, cuddle with my dog whilst reading her a book of inspirational quotes (yes we do this), iron my clothes, brush my hair (or actually wash it), make a grocery list, budget my money, and many, many other things that actually benefit me that my 183 facebook friends have no sane reaoson to know or care about.
Great timing, I just updated my status 2 days ago with “I’m taking a break, if you start missing me, you can call me”
In 2 days, I feel a huge relief. I get my feelings hurt more on fb than anywhere else. Not to mention I met ex-mm on there. So classic..”hope you don’t mind me saying but you are so beautiful” after tons of future faking, then disappearing, reappearing disappearing again, withdrawals, depression, grieving, I’m here. He closed his fb months ago but I had this anxiety that he would be back again, we know they come back. Also, had some guy I met years ago, friend me awhile back. Never said a word until the other day “you’re so freakin’ hot”
Really?? No, thank you! What’s wrong with people? I fell for it once, but I’m smarter now. Bye bye fb!
I am lucky that my ex is far too secretive and sneaky to risk his lies and life unravel online on Facebook. I never even knew the name of his ‘friends’. I think his lack of online presence has helped me immensely in moving forward. I am in no way over him and wish I could see what he is up to but deep down I’m so glad that I can’t.
Great post Nat! I used to live in Europe and the Middle East. FB is a great way for me to keep up with friends whom I met while living a traveling abroad. I have also reconnected with people from my childhood whom I liked and had lost contact with.
I don’t post personal business on it and do not spend a lot of time on it either. However, after several months of not thinking about him, I unblocked my ex FF/EUM #1 out of curiosity to see what he had been up to. That’s how I found out that he got married four months ago. Strangely, with the exception of a photo of a beautiful picture of the beach in Spain taken at sunset, his page did not show that he had gotten married. I klicked on the pic and saw pics that his wife had posted a few pics of their wedding. I felt jealous because he found someone to marry, and I have not. After scrolling through her FB page, I saw a post where she says: “Fu*k you! Don’t hate me because I am a player!” She also had pics where she was posing in a sexy manner stating: ‘”I’m so hot.” and “I’m so smart.” After I blocked his FB page (and haven’t looked at it since), I thought: ‘REALLY??’ He once told me that he wanted a woman in which he felt a high level of intensity–that intangible something that just can’t be explained–and it wasn’t me. Well, I guess he found it….how it all turns out after the honeymoon phase is over is none.of my business though.
As Nat explained, there isn’t anything wrong with FB; it’s all about how you choose to use it.
it’s only a medium.. Different people use network sites for different things.. Just because people are linked on facebook, doesn’t mean they’re not real friends. Many people use it to keep in touch with friends and colleagues in other countries .. a Creative work connections can come about you might have otherwise missed…. Break up remedy: press block… Easy…
“The more I see a couple make soppy declarations to one another on Facebook, the more I know that they’re putting on a show. When your ex’s new partner makes some big declaration about how ‘amazing’ they are and yada yada yada, it’s marking territory, it’s putting the message out there.”
Absolutely (and in real life too) – marking territory like a dog peeing on a tree. My eyes roll damn near out of my sockets when I’ve seen stuff like that. People (no matter the gender) who do stuff like that remind me of babies who are crying (for reasons other than getting their basic needs met): if you ignore them, they’ll soon fall asleep and stop all of the damn crying & whining.
😐
In defence of Facebook, I discovered this Ben Smythe motivational character through fb. It was linked to British author Susannah Conway’s fb page. I met her when she did her book tour a few months ago, and she is a BR fan too.
Anyway, check out this guy’s “thank you for sucking at loving me” talk. I found it really uplifting and empowering.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/09/thank-you-for-sucking-at-loving-me-nsfw/
Kerry, I checked out the guy in the video. Interesting, and a little raw but in a positive way. I watched a few more of his videos on you tube, which he has MANY. Thanks for the link.
Yeah, I should have cautioned that there’s a lot of sweary stuff in there. He comes off a little crazy, but I liked the message a lot. It’s the straightforward dude version of what we’re saying here.
Of course Facebook can be used for good; all social media have good & bad & neutral points about them. But for situations like those mentioned in this blog post, it’s best to not even engage people in these attention-seeking behaviors, and for some people it’s best to just stay away from Facebook altogether.
P.S.
It might work better if you cut and paste the link into your search bar.
Hey girls,
“Status update” here ;):
I’ll be hittin’ the road to Wyoming early tomorrow, so I’ll be MIA on the BR site for a few days. See you guys on the flip side! Wishing you all well!
Revs
My take on this post by Natalie is that FB is not the problem and I agree with her. I happen to like it to keep up with large groups of friends and to post music and share funny things. Not an issue for me at all. I did block AC when things got weird. It was simple and painless. I didn’t want to see his picture pop up in my friends list all the time.
I recently got a private message on FB from a guy who I dated a couple of years ago. It’s a good thing I peeked at his profile — it says he is married now. If I would have just gotten a text, I wouldn’t know he is married. So, I think FB is a good thing.
JR,
What do you get out of this, and why do this to yourself?
Why do I do what? I don’t understand your question.
Haven’t posted for a while but still read BR avidly everyday. I remember last year when I was feeling like crap after the ex eum disappeared without warning I used to check his fb page every single day to try and find answers as to why he didn’t want me. After sometime I realised this was toxic and was just making more sad. My self esteem was low and I suppose it made me feel close to him because I was getting an insight into life however superficial it was. A few months ago I decided to close my fb page because I always felt tempted to look at his page. By closing my fb page it meant I couldn’t keep in touch with family members that live outside London and abroad but I had to do it to keep my sanity. I will open it again but not until I know that I won’t be tempted to take sneaky peeks at his page. I shouldn’t really be interested in what his doing and how allegedly happy he is!
Sorry for the bad grammar and spelling I’m using my iPhone and pressed post before I could check it.
I agree JR I enjoy fb too. I have a large group of friends and family that I like to keep up with. Even though I’ve dated my fair share of ac’s I’ve been pretty good at keeping them off my page and out of my site. FB has saved me many a time. The only time I’ve had a problem is when the guy was shady to begin with, fb just pointed it out. It’s a good thing most can’t keep their persona hidden even on the net for all to see.
I blocked this week .his page and bands i need to do it for me as i wont move on . i want to cut all connections from him .healthy thing to do , i dont want a window into his life or visaversa. I could think oh hell think hes hurt me , let him see me move on , no he doesnt derseve to know anything about me . Yes hes hurt me so be it . Id rather forget he exsists
Hugs to you Tired. You did a great thing for yourself.
Want to hear something pathetic? I met AC on a dating site and now that is about the only place we have banter except occasional text but I’m hesitant to block him on the site. I’m feeling like this is the last remaining, very thin string we have left. Crazy pathetic right? And so silly. He kind of insults me on it too so I should just CUT HIM OUT of it.
You did the best thing for you, Tired. I will get there too, soon.
I have to agree with Allie. Although i dont believe Facebook to be intrinsically evil, it can be the devil in the wrong hands or for those who cannot use it with discretion. A healthy self image, sense of humor and some good wisdom is a must with social networking tools.
Love this: just recently learned how to hide status updates of people who I don’t feel comfortable defriending ( including one ex) and I love it; it instantly brightened my mood! In the process I also realized that really I was okay with defriending a few people who I had really not wanted to freind in the first place and it felt great.
I don’t want to shut my account because the bulk of my freinds on it are internationally or nationally based and it is a great way to keep in touch but definitely recommend only getting on it once or twice a week. There is really no need for daily sharing and not intimate sharing at that. That is for good freinds only and in person or on the phone:)
Wise Women of BR –
After just reading what I wrote in reply to Tired, well I think it’s time again for me to claim NC and block that mf from my life. No more windows. It’s pathetic that I’ve been allowing AC to send me little digs and insult me on a dating site where we met and I respond in defense of myself! I see his picture on there and that he is viewing my pics and status and I guess well, that’s something right? He must like me still a little right? UGH NO IT’S NOT. It’s cruddy crumbling moldy crumbs. What the H, no, what the F is the matter with me? I was doing so well! I had several weeks of NC under my belt. Then he started in…I let his nasty sexy texts and online messages just wipe out my resolve. Luckily, I haven’t seen him in person and I haven’t gone over there although he has invited me to “come over” yeah…right. We haven’t had a proper date in months and so I should just come over and GIVE it to you, huh?
Also, I had mentioned a while back that I had met a nice guy and we were dating and that he seemed to be a really great honest guy who wants a real relationship and is ALL there even though he was out of sorts the other day. Well, turns out he IS nice and wonderful BUT I can’t be with him other than a friend. Unfortunately, He has a serious problem and without getting into it, I can’t go there. So back to the drawing board.
I’m thinking about stopping the dating scene entirely with men because it’s clear after 2 failed marriages, I’m not meant to have a real, respectful, honest, safe, available, loving and equal partnership with anyone. My first husband abused drugs and couldn’t hold a job, and my second was a deep and complicated EUM and alcoholic. I got beautiful kids out of the deals but I’m left with WTF is going on? Where is my happy ending?
I want to mention that I gave myself LOTS of time of no dates or anything after my divorce and I do get the whole “love yourself first” thing and not make men so important.. I did. I spent almost 2 years alone or with friends or with my kids doing things I loved. Then one day, over 500 days later I realized I wanted someone special in my life. I wanted a WITNESS to my life, who, unlike kids who love you but grow up and leave to live their own lives, would be my life partner who stayed. I miss it. But now, once again I have found I simply have very rotten luck and I should probably just be single and happy.
Even though I fantasize about the yummy physical events that took place over the summer with AC, I will attempt again to go NC with the louse and give up on his moldy crumbs. I just can’t help but have that silly hope that he will “get it” and come along with some substance at my door one of these days. I know…I know, he won’t.
JR,
Have you sought counseling to understand what attracts you to these types of men? Once you figure out you, you will no longer get involved with these types of people and attract healthy – this is about you and will affect all areas of life. It begins with you, but it requires a lot of self reflection and work.
Yes I have and I do. It’s not a very simple, cut and dry mystery to solve but like many of us on this site who deal with ACs, I’m a work in progress.
I have just been on fb and whittled it down to friends . I felt the urge to umblock and look but didnt , it is like a form of torture to keep looking thro a window of someone eles life . In the day with no internet or mobile phones it was so much quicker and calmer and peaceful to get over. Someone. I could remember a time before phones and i could go all week without talking to anyone apart from baby , mum and ex hubby , now its like you have to text x
I used to have a friend! She is in her mid fifties and over the last few years all of her social contact and life is now through FB … no more coffees, no more shopping, no more anything! All she does now is post on FB about 30 a day … all rubbish stuff … pictures of her food, pictures of her cat, ‘I’m going to bed now’ etc etc … her phone never leaves her hand and if you’re not on FB all day, no one ever hears from her.
She doesn’t even want to leave her house in case she misses something! She had an operation last year and was posting on FB within 24 hours letting everyone know how she felt. Another of her friends told her to get off and spend a week recovering before she posted anything else … fat chance.
How sad is that!
i feel better today , because ive blocked it was keeping me trapped in a negetive state .i had a good think on things . i feel sorry for him he is in a unhappy life , job ,marraige and now affair where will lead no where or to more mess for him , hes not living a dream its a fantasy that one day will end for him lol . me i stand alone at a new drawing board and i can change my life to how i want it im free to do so he is not . i tell myself that every day , if he was truly happy he wouldnt do what he does. he will never be content he never has been in all the time ive known him .he never have the courage to be happy .hes stuck .
Right on Natalie! I quit fb earlier this summer and havent looked back…
Feel that I have gained more than I have lost; its nice to let people gradually leave your life as they are meant to and not hang around obsessing over the minutiae of their lives.
My low point was repeatedly visiting the profile of my ex, our relationship has been dead and buried for ten years!
I was also getting tired of continuously having to rein in my privacy and adjust settings – and honestly, fb became a bore: just too much information!
Quitting fb has forced me out of the land of fantasy, and illusion and back into the real world
Hallelujah!
Jr you can do it . It makes you ill think about you . Move on get busy your life is a waiting , there be lows and highs but there even out , my wk mate said if you cant change a situation except it and move on , get on with your wonderful life its as wonderful as we choose to make it xx
Somehow I´m friends now on FB with one of the bitchy popular girls from my high school, from ages ago. I guess she collects friends and I accepted because well… I don´t really know why.
She posts almost daily about her wonderful attractive narcisist new boyfriend and at 40 it´s like being 16 all over again.
The thing I found ironic is that she posted a picture of the tattoos they got together: on her wrist, she had his name tattooed. On his wrist, he had HIS name too.
It actually made me feel sorry for her.
In between the wonders of this man, she posts about her kids (though not very often): one of them has a heart condition and has been operated a few times. I find this so sad. I can´t imagine the anguish of having to deal with something like that, but her FB is only a bragging place about some vain tall guy.
Very, very sick indeed. It´s one of the reasons I don´t bother checking FB very often – there´s too much weirdness.
Hi Lilia,
“…on her wrist, she had his name tattooed. On his wrist, he had HIS name too”. That about sums it up. These stories never cease to amaze me.
Me neither.
Although why on earth would you have your OWN name tattooed on your wrist? Worried he’s going to forget it, maybe?
“she had his name tattooed. On his wrist, he had HIS name too.” OMG – I am peeing my pants – this is HILARIOUS!!
It reminds me of when a good friend said to me about her old abusive boyfriend ” We had a love/hate relationship …… we both loved him and we both hated me” Funny, sad, but true – I had one of those a long, long time ago.
In my FB newsfeeds: BR posts, pics of kitchens or other designer rooms of the day (houzz – good housekeeping, awesome!), a daily “positive thought” and many other posts from similar sites, pics from friends or statuses of friends … no whining or bashing, they got to go … and I’ll post comments/pics about me/the kids/the animals/or my latest creations. Right now, I’ve just learned to crochet and I’m ADDICTED. Even the pets have scarves!!! (Not really!!!!) I use FB ONLY as a creative/POSITIVE outlet. Period. And I love it.
Natalie, I totally agree with you. We’ve seen a lot of online daters use “bad Facebook etiquette” when trying to impress someone or when seeking a new mate.
There really are some big Do’s and Don’ts for social media and you highlighted some important details, especially what each action means to the user, not their friends.
Thanks for the post 🙂
Oh boy! I am very guilty of social network spying. The pseudo ex had his FB page private, so I couldn’t really spy there. But his new girlfriend had an open page and I was on it constantly. It was horrible. She now has made her page private so I haven’t been able to spy – thank goodness! I still ocassionslly will look at both their twitter pages and his Instagram profile that shows pictures from his life. I went there today and really regretted doing do. I found a drawing that he made in honor of their relationship and I broke down. I try to tell myself that he’s not going to treat her any better than me, but it’s hard to believe that from what I viewed so far. They seem really happy and inlove and it just tears at my heart. I think, “Why wasn’t I good enough to be chosen?” In all honesty, because we never had a relationship (I’ve finally excepted that I was no more than a fallback girl) I don’t even know if he’s a true AC or just a man who didn’t want me. I never got to see the loving, caring side of him. I never had the consistentcy that I see she has. I know I shouldn’t blame myself or cut my self down, but it still hurts so much. And I know I need to step away from the spying. I think I’d lose it to see bday’s celebrated, other outings mentioned, more love talk…it’s pure torture.
Stop i know its hard to but i have for the first time this week day three of no nosing and i feel better , calmer at peace . its all show ive smiled in pics up on fb and ive been miles away unhappy . no one knows what goes on behind closed doors . just because he choose her doesnt mean theres owt wrong with you. she may dump him later . what matters most is you getting over it . read ,walk , courses , do anything that takes your mind of it and him its bloody hard i have big downers but i get thro em dont let him waste any more of your state of mind . he still sapping your strentgh dont give them the satisfaction .x
Lady Lisa,
I’m glad you were able to pull yourself away from the computer screen. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead, why don’t you put those investigative talents to better use? Personally, I’m so glad I went back to pursue my PhD part-time. I’ve been researching topics that are really interesting, and now I have an opportunity to give back with my own research. There are so many worthy causes out there that need volunteer researchers, or just volunteers period. It’s a MUCH better use of those investigative skills, and you end up satisfying your curiosity instead of being killed by it. Just something to think about.
Please don’t make this guy’s real or perceived rejection of you an indictment on your “goodness” or “worthiness” as a partner. He’s not God. He’s not the other 7 billion people on this planet. Also, I would be VERY careful about thinking that you know what’s going on between him and this new woman. You have no idea if they are truly happy or whether his behavior is consistent or not. It is very common for couples to split up, leaving the rest of us scratching our heads thinking, “But I thought they were so happy.” No one knows what goes on in a relationship except the two people involved…and sometimes not even then.
Don’t torture yourself with things that may not even represent reality. And FB, Twitter, and Instagram are perpetrators of some of the worst kind of bullsh*t. It is one thing to grieve the fact that you flushed a million dollars down the toilet. It’s an entirely different thing to grieve the fact that you found out the currency was counterfeit and pushed the flush handle. Natalie has a great post about letting the break-up fire burn. We can control how much we hurt–it’s all about putting two feet in reality (something that I CONSTANTLY struggle with). Given the fact that you never really had a relationship with this guy in the first place, it is possible to mitigate some of that hurt. Choosing reality even when it’s much easier to accept some familiar fantasy has helped me TONS. Just a thought.
Laurie
Yes reality is better.
Heard a segment on the radio this am from a man who became blind in his forties. Well-meaning friends said at least his wife would always be young to him. He wouldn’t see her grow old but would always remember her as she was when last saw her. He realised he didn’t want that. He didnt want to be nostalgically living in the past. He preferred reality. He doesn’t carry in his head an image of what she used to look like, instead he enjoys fully what he has in the present – her touch, how she sounds and smells.
It’s a waste to spend your life daydreaming about what was lost, even if it was good. It’s a waste to fantasise about how life could be better. It’s a waste to go down every avenue of what if.
There’s so much to enjoy here and now, if we could only commit to it.
FB stalking is a way of avoiding reality. It’s imagining that someone else’s life is better or worse. But what about your own life in the real world?
Grace, Thank you for writing this. I needed to read it.
Although I quit Facebook (again) a few months ago and am happier since, I realise that I still live in the past and the imagined future. I no longer waste hours getting lost in the minutia of others’ lives, but I kill time online almost every night. I don’t go to bed early because I’m looking up vintage dresses on ebay, or I’m researching my latest obsession, or (as in the past two nights) clicking through page after page of ‘worst tattoos ever’ on CheezBurger.
It was your comment about ‘imagining someone else’s life is better or worse’ that really hit me, just now. As I look at the thousandth ridiculous, misspelt, ugly tattoo, I realise that’s what I’m doing. Killing time, wasting my life, hour by hour, by distracting myself from my potential, and numbing myself with the reminder that I’m ‘at least not like THEM’.
Sad. Sad. Sad. I need to do more and be more.
good perspective at viewing things
JR.
Don’t give up on men. Just quit the dating website. Delete your profile so that you get no message from him or from the website trying to lure you back. Disconnect from his cyberspace abuse. Don’t let one fool turn you off and have you believing that a healthy relationship with a good man is just not in the cards for you. You’ve had 2 failed marriages — so what? We all have skeletons in the closet. Be positive. Decide what you are looking for in a man and make the decision the BE THOSE THINGS. That’s how it works. I’m still learning this myself and still trying to be what I’m looking for.
Paula.
Your FB fanatic girlfriend has issues, to put it gently. It’s sad. I’m glad you will not be following in her footsteps.
Thanks Tinkerbell. Yeah I’m going to get off the dating site. Good idea.
I totally agree with you, Natalie.
I’ve never been on facebook and have no intention to ever be there.
As you, I’ve watched friends use it and overuse it to play, spy, dramatise and over-interpret things that could have been clarified with good eye to eye conversation.
My ex wanted to me to be on it. I never agreed to it because I couldn’t see the point. When I realised that some events were planned on it without me being told (by him) it only just confirmed my belief that this tool can be used to hide and play.
I don’t want want to be part of that game.
If I ever change my mind and get on FB, I’ll make sure never to have my boyfriend or ex as a ‘friend’ there… As from what I’ve seen and you have explained, it can only be detrimental to the relationship.
Laurie,
I needed to read your words. Thank you for the reality check!
Peace.
Lisa
You just kicked my ass. thank you. <3
I feel ridiculously out of control. After having the ex disappear, then coldly break things off when I contacted him 6 weeks later, I continued to search for answers and tried to reach out to him a few times- never receiving a response. I maintained contact with his family who always felt bad for what he did. They were my support system, but obviously also a way for me to stay in his life.
Right after he disappeared on me, I deleted him on FB. Then I found I would still always look at his page (I could see his pic and who he added as friends). I then decided to block him, but would STILL go on at times and unblock him just to look at his page. After hearing from his family he had a new gf (probably the same one he cheated on me with), I vowed to stop torturing myself and deactivated my FB. I collected all the phone numbers of his family (whom I was close with) and mailed them to a friend because I could not stop myself from calling. My friend has had the numbers for 6 weeks and for the first time I can truly say I’ve been NC with him or anyone close to him. I can’t bring myself to throw his family’s numbers out- I did throw his away though.
Now, after weeks of struggling, I have hit a low point once again and logged back onto FB just to look at his page (had to reactivate my account and unblock him). Of course, I saw something I didn’t like (some girl making a comment on his pic) and it’s got me all worked up. I am now going to ask my friend to change my FB password so I can’t log back on. As sad as it is, looking at his page is my only connection to him so when I hit these low points, it’s what I go to. I feel so terrible I am in this state after all these months. I have no self control and want more than anything to move on.
After re-reading my post and some of the others on this thread, I see how utterly pathetic it
is to waste your time keeping tabs on an ex or other people’s supposedly “grass is greener” lives. The world is vast. Opportunities are plentiful. It’s amazing how narrow minded and single focused the mind can be if you’re not monitoring your thoughts or your life!!! I, we, whomever, must mind our lives…our PRECIOUS lives. Get busy living and dreaming bigger rather than believing something so irreplaceable is gone. They aren’t that special we are.
I relate to all the experiences mentioned here. It is a miserable existence to use Facebook to continually check up on an ex – it made the obsession worse and I read this blog all of the time. This blog is really help me to let go of these obsessions and focus on myself and more fruitful ventures and real friends. Thank you. I stand with all of you women and support you in your growth and being happy!