Have you ever wondered why some people are automatically assumed to be good, easygoing and innocent, and others are assumed to be bad, difficult or misunderstanding a Good Person? Or perhaps you’ve felt perplexed by microaggressions from someone everyone sees in a near-perfect light? In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explain why, when we’re a people pleaser, sometimes our need to be perceived as ‘good’ and even beyond reproach creates problems for others. I also talk about what it’s like for us to be on the receiving end.
5 key topics in this episode
- Acting nicer than we feel because it’s what we think is expected of us can cause us to behave disingenuously. And if we happen to do it at the wrong time, even though we’re technically doing what appears to be a ‘nice’ thing, it can enrage the other party who knows we don’t like them.
- When we’re on the receiving end of someone being presumed to be good and innocent, we end up in the role of Bad Guy, Scapegoat, Troublemaker, etc. We internalise it as not being good enough or spend far too much of our bandwidth trying to prove ourselves to others. It’s understandable to feel unseen, unheard, misunderstood and invalidated.
- Just because someone is liked by everyone or no one has ever said a bad word about them, or no one else seems to have a problem with them, it does not mean that what you’re experiencing with the Not-so-innocent Good Girl/Guy and your perception of it is invalid and incorrect. A person can be nice, well thought of, well-intentioned and also have bad boundaries. People pleaser or even popular or well liked isn’t shorthand for beyond reproach.
- If you’re experiencing microaggressions from the seeming Good Girl/Guy at work, document it. If others have presumed this person’s innocence, this is an example of damaging unconscious bias and companies are legally bound to address this.
- Doing things to tick boxes, to keep up appearances, to control or for self-preservation are very different from caring.
Links mentioned + recommended resources
- The International Women’s Podcast Festival in partnership with Pinterest
- The Hollywood Reporter Interview with Sarah Jessica Parker
- Losing Ourselves Leads to Losing Our Temper (ep 257)
- Yes Isn’t A ‘Clean’ Word If It’s Not Authentic (ep 199)
- But Will You Actually Get Into Trouble? (ep )
- Roles – “I Want To Break Free” (ep 128)
- Revisited-What’s the baggage behind it? (ep 243)
- We Don’t Need To Put So Much Bandwidth Into Keeping Up Appearances (ep 214)
- Are you being nice, or are you disguising anger and control? (ep 195)
- *Sometimes* We’re Controlling in Our Relationships (ep 234)
- Why Don’t They Like Me? (ep 151)
- Podcast Ep. 2: Triggered? What’s the Baggage Behind It? (ep 2)
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