There are some key things that I believe about relationships which can be used to help you look at things and yourself differently. Remember, as I learned all too painfully, we are the only common denominator to our relationships, so if we have a pattern, we made it, and if we want things to be different, we must be and think differently.
We get the relationship that we think we deserve or that we ‘expect’. You choose men that reflect the things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships.
Ask yourself what your core 3-5 beliefs are about love, relationships, and yourself and examine how these are feeding into the relationships you’re having and the men that you’re attracted to. Read my post on the self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking validation in relationships because whatever you believe, you’re validating it, so it’s time to shake things up.
What do you truly expect to happen when you’re in a relationship? I say truly for a reason – there’s the stuff we say we expect and then there’s the real stuff we expect, often the things we’re afraid of. Write it down. Is what you expect happening?
Do you think you’re worthy of love or do you think you’re unlovable, have to try harder, or full of flaws? While we all are prone to our moments of self-doubt or the odd insecurity, believing you are unworthy of love, unlovable, or full of flaws means you either get unworthy partners who make you feel even crappier or decent partners who you don’t believe really could want to be with you, you feel unloved, or feel even more flawed in a flawed relationship looking for validation. You’ll also put them on a pedestal which automatically create a painful imbalance because the only place for them to look is down.
Connect what you think about love, relationships, and yourself with your actions and your relationships so that you can be conscious in your choices and know which beliefs you need to address. Often we are not conscious in our thinking and don’t take the time to think about what we believe – what we think is reflected in our actions and our perception of people and our world.
Choosing men who are not actually relationship material and who habitually mistreat you and the relationship, is about trying to be the exception. It’s like we’ve written a modern fairy tale where a ‘prince’ is someone who stops being an asshole for you.
Plain and simple: If a man has to radicalise himself and make you the exception to his habit of being an assclown, you are embarking on a long and painful journey of trying to demonstrate that you have the power to make someone change and seeking the ultimate validation – having someone be different ‘just’ for you.
Change you, change the relationships you are interested, and change the relationship you’re in. Either accept people as they are so you can be real rather than trapped in illusions campaigning for change and make real decisions for a real relationship, or get out of it – read my post on Get Out of Stuck.
Have boundaries, values, awareness of red flags, and recognise when it is time to fold on a bad relationship investment instead of continuing to throw crazy emotional money at the relationship casino table. Don’t gamble yourself on an outcome based on someone that actually doesn’t exist on a habitual, consistent basis because you will deplete yourself and end up with unrealistic results.
Not every man is worthwhile keeping. In fact, not every relationship can be ‘The One’. If you’re really after a quality relationship, you must exert some quality control. The whole taking in a stray dog mentality doesn’t translate well to human relationships. Read my post on standing by your broken man.
Betting on potential, denying the reality of your relationship and someone’s character, suffering with ‘I Can Change Him’ syndrome and having a penchant for fixing/healing/helping will not stop you from avoiding the inevitable.
You can’t hold on to someone because you’d rather be with somebody rather than nobody. You also shouldn’t have an automatic expectation of change in your relationships – choose better instead of trying to force square pegs into round holes.
It’s not just a case of picking up any ‘ole guy to have a relationship – not every man wants a relationship, not every guy is suitable for a relationship, and even if they are it doesn’t mean that you are automatically compatible. Relationships take shared primary values – if you don’t have the nitty gritties, your relationship will struggle.
If you have an idea about the type of guy that is ‘right’ for you and you’re dating him and getting dubious or even crazy or dangerous results, it is time to get real about compatibility, type, and common interests and have an honest conversation with yourself.
Also, if you’re putting someone’s surname with yours and imagining various scenarios when you’ve not met yet, barely been on a date, or don’t really know anything about them, you’re off in ‘Lalaland’. Slow your roll – not every relationship is meant to be. If you mourn every relationship or date like it’s significant, it’s a disproportionate reaction because you’re pinning too much of yourself and your hopes and dreams on each of these dates. If every guys feels major, how do you differentiate?
I know women who are distraught after going on one date, three dates, or spending a few weeks with someone I also know women who are mourning the loss of men that they started to talk to online but didn’t actually meet. I understand the frustration but you have to wonder what would happen after ten dates, ten months, or years. This is not to say you can’t be disappointed but you have to question how much you can feel for someone who you don’t know that well.
Dating is about getting to know someone with a view to discovering if there is enough to push ahead into a relationship. You start out (ideally) with a reasonable level of trust and as you get to know them, you either discover more reasons to trust and proceed, or less reasons to trust and withdraw.
Dating is a fact finding or a discovery period – when you find our facts or discover things that make you incompatible, throw up a red flag, or at the very least throw up cause for concern, you have to do something – not persist in loving or trusting blindly.
Slow down so that you can see clearly and have both of your feet in reality. Open your eyes and listen so that you get to know the person and your relationship and do not deny who or what you are involved in because you are 100% responsible for creating the illusionary relationship results.
Your thoughts? More love lessons to follow.