So the ‘there are no good men to date’ trip continues and after exploring having negative beliefs in part one and the whole conundrum of online dating in part two, it’s time to deal with the whole issue of being attracted to the guys that are not attracted to you, especially when there is the age issue to deal with. Barbara, 41, who along with similar readers inspired this post, is trying to date men the same age and older and finding herself coming up against resistance and immaturity, which is far from being the man she’d like to find who is on her ‘level’.
There are a lot of older men who are really immature and who also have an over-inflated sense of their own importance and attractiveness.
These types of guys are emotionally immature anyway and bolster their ego’s with younger women. If I had a pound for every email I’ve received about troublesome men in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s, I could sit back and count the cash.
Whilst they can’t all be written off (clearly), men who are in their 40s+ who are:
1) still living with their mother or still tied to their apron strings/attached to their umbilical cord;
2) separated/divorced and using their ‘relationship status’ to fake futures with women whilst also using that same relationship status to stall progress;
3) emotionally immature and haven’t had any significant relationship experience to speak of;
4) deluded and chasing very young women and trying to act half their age with cars that are extensions of their willies and disproportionate ideas about their attractiveness; are a pain in the bum.
Sadly there are a lot of men like this. However let’s be real – not all older men are like this.
In reality, what Barbara (and many others) are actually saying is that the type of men that they’re attracted to, who are either the same age or older, are not the types of guy that they can forge or sustain a decent relationship with.
If you chase emotionally unavailable men who are flip flappers, commitment dodgers, and gagging for an ego stroke, or assclowns who ride roughshod all over you, no matter what age they are, whether they’re in their 20s or in their 90s, they’re no good for you.
And the annoying aspect of the ‘older guy’ issue is that there are less of them available. When they are available, some of them have baggage or even a lot of it which means that the ideal of finding a perfect, cookie cut man that meets all of your ‘criteria’, is not likely. To be fair, meeting anyone, baggage or no baggage, ‘younger’ or ‘older’ who is going to tick all your boxes isn’t likely.
Now I’m not saying that you have to run out and hook up with a guy half your age but what I am saying is that it is better to be open to meeting ‘a guy’ rather than be open to meeting a guy…as long as he’s the same age or older, has no ‘baggage’, a clean financial record, lives within a 2.9 mile radius, tall, dark, and handsome and has you instantly attracted with fireworks flying, is spontaneous, wants to take care of you, isn’t ‘afraid’ of your success, reads high brow books, likes listening to whale music and climbing mountains at the weekend.
My suggestion if you are serious about being in a relationship and have already had a history of being involved with dubious men, is to let go of your ideas are about ‘type’, ‘compatibility’ and ‘common interests’ because whatever you think you know, you don’t know enough. The very strong likelihood is that if you have put up with a lot of the headache that comes with being with men who are resistant to being in a relationship and have found yourself feeling deep attraction to men that have little or nothing to offer, create drama, and detract from you, whatever your ideas are about compatibility, type, and common interests, they are counterproductive to you and based on things that do not add anything to the relationship.
The problem isn’t their age; the problem is their behaviour and the fact that you want something from them that they’re not offering – a relationship.
Let’s be real, the problem of someone not wanting to be committed to a relationship is something that many women find themselves dealing with from their twenties, into their thirties, into their forties and beyond. Being drawn to men that don’t want you or don’t want what you want, who trample all over your boundaries, fake futures, blow hot and cold, refuse to commit to an outcome, want to use you for an ego stroke, shag, or a shoulder to lean on (or all three) doesn’t seem so problematic when you first start out – they’re in plentiful supply.
But if you don’t adapt your relationship habits over the years and continue to be attracted to the same types of qualities, characteristics, and behaviours, the older you get, the more problematic they prove to be, and there are also less ‘available’ men.
If they’re not chasing younger women or dodging a relationship, the ones that are left are the guys that you don’t notice or that you date and say they’re ‘too nice’ or not attractive, or no ‘attraction’.
A lot of the guys that prove difficult to date are problematic but the reality is that these guys have always been problematic and because they have not felt any real negative consequences as a result of their behaviour because women have abandoned their boundaries for them, loved them unconditionally regardless, and kept lowering their expectations whilst accepting diminishing returns, they have come to believe that they’re great catches.
The types of guy that get a lot of interest (Mr Unavailables and assclowns) operate on the ‘bad men don’t keep getting dates’ and ‘If I was that bad, she wouldn’t be with me (or want me)’ mentality. If they’re deluded, we’ve certainly helped them be deluded – I know I helped quite a few guys inflate their ego’s!
They want to play the field, relive their youth, or stick to their bachelor ways. That’s their prerogative. You can go from here to eternity trying to make a pigs ear into a silk purse or put that square peg into a round hole, but chasing these men is just a continuation of trying to turn a frog into a prince and get one of them to make you an exception. Really. (also read my posts on lovenomics: managing your desire to be the exception).
The guys haven’t changed. OK, the technology has enabled them to multiply their efforts and delude themselves further, but the guys haven’t changed.
I bet, if you ask yourself if what you’re looking for now has really changed all that much to what you’ve always looked for, the likelihood is that it hasn’t. You may have made some tweaks or even played the (polar) opposites game, but if you have the same love habits, beliefs, lack of boundaries, and unwitting ‘ideals’ about men and relationships, the guys won’t really be that different.
Whilst some will ‘give in’ to the ‘pull’ or yank of settling down, many of them don’t because they think they have never-ending options, and if they do settle, they settle into being someone’s pain in the bum unless they’ve had some sort of ‘epiphany’ or a cataclysmic life changing event has occurred.
The types of guys that prove problematic are not changing. As I have said many a time, the definition of relationship insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. In this case, the relationship insanity is chasing the same types of guy, having the same type that gives you same guy different package, and hoping that just one of them will see you in the way that you want to be seen and make you the exception
The age of the man (obviously legal and mentally mature is needed) is the least of your problems – If you were attracted to a thirty-five year old guy who treated you with love, care, trust, and respect, why would you disregard him for a man the same age as you or older who didn’t give a monkey’s about you?
Right now, if you really want to love and be loved, and in a relationship, you need a man with character, who treats you with love, care, trust, and respect. Look for those things and have boundaries and let things build as opposed to seeking instant results, and fireworks, and ‘attraction’ and you have a far better chance of lasting the distance. All these guys that we get attracted to, it doesn’t last. It doesn’t turn into anything sustainable and beneath the glitter of the ‘gold’ lacks substance.
Choose substance. Be all the things you want in another person and stay away from the man-children who will sap your energies and your time.
Decency doesn’t discriminate on age. There are men younger than the guys you’re chasing who have double the character.
Have your bases covered and know what your boundaries are, be aware of red flags, and focus on feeling good in a relationship for the right reasons – i.e you’re being treated with love, care, trust, and respect.
The energy you burn up with someone who is unworthy of your time, is energy taken away from you and it’s also keeping you away from meeting someone more deserving of it. It’s also important to realise that both men and women have dubious dating habits and if you’re chasing the fairy tale, there may be a man or two who regards your attitudes as immature.
I’m not saying that you have to abandon dating guys the same age as you, but instead of being focused on financials, how they look, where they were educated, which books they read, what they do at the weekend, whether you have the same interests, and how willing they are to settle down right now, see what happens when you spend time around people who have a larger attention span than a two year old.
I’m not suggesting that it’s easy to meet men – it’s not. And actually, for the decent guys out there, it’s often hard to meet women, especially ones that aren’t chasing the flashier, charming, or more elusive options. What I am saying though is, make your life easier by not limiting your options and also by making sure that you have healthy ideas about what you’re looking for, have boundaries, are aware of red flags, and are not making men the centre of your universe.
Don’t continue to burn up your energies repeating the same patterns and going out with the same guy different package and expecting different results. Broaden your horizons.
Back for the final part four
Your thoughts?
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‘let go of your ideas are about ‘type’, ‘compatibility’ and ‘common interests’ because whatever you think you know, you don’t know enough’
truer words were never spoken! sometimes the best connections happen with someone you never in a million years saw yourself with.
in my case, I do happen to like being with guys around my age, and have never dated anyone much younger – or much older – than myself. I think this is just because of a preference, no real valid reason. Other than music – I don’t want to have to explain Echo and The Bunnymen to a 25 year old….
I also think that the ‘older’ people out there dating have been there and done that, and are looking for more of a companion than for fireworks. Someone to have fun with, talk to, hang out with. Just enjoy life, without all the biological clock ticking stuff. This can be an issue if you still want to do the baby-family thing. It doesn’t mean they are irresponsible, it just means they’re in a different phase now, and don’t want to do it all over again. Their choice. But it’s something to keep in mind if you do go for the older gent. They just want to enjoy you, and relax. If you missed out on having a family and you’re 35 and want to – maybe going for a 30 year old is the better option…
So well said and I laughed at the music reference – incidentally I have no idea who you’re talking about. Focus on character, values, and how you feel. I know women who fight how they feel because he hasn’t got the right hair, the right job, not the right age, or has an occasional beer. They’ve never been happier but they sabotage it by getting marking them down for their criteria not being met. The other option is to go off and be miserable with someone with all the characteristics that you haven’t yet realised that you don’t need…
You’re right about the biological clock thing – that’s why it’s better to sort your love habits out sooner rather than later so you don’t waste too much time expending energy in the wrong directions.
I have dated someone 14 years younger, someone the same age and older men. They were all the same when I look back, which is EUM and AC’S. So yes age doesn’t matter in the end. My preference would be to date someone with a 35-45 as I’m 40.
NML, would a relationship really work in this day and age if the guy was in his 20s and the women is 40? I can’t help but wonder what happens as she reaches 50 and he is 35. Obviously Im talking purely on age, let’s assume there is nothing wrong with him. Although everyone thinks that looks don’t really matter, in a case like this is that really true? R u setting yourself up to being ditched like a hot potatoe as soon as you “god forbid” age?
For me I want to just be able to age without feeling almost worried about it because my partner is so much younger.
In saying that though, I did notice when we were happy, the age gap disapeared, when it became miserable it had a spotlight on it.
There was always something, for me slightly scary about dating someone do young, I felt slightly uncomfortable with it.
I have a friend who did this, they had a child together just as she was turning 41, that child is now 8 and they are still together. She wasn’t expecting it, or looking for it, and tho he was young he knew he wanted a stable relationship with a stable person and he chose her.
.-= j´s last blog ..Clench =-.
Yep – it *does* happen.
Trinity,
I would also like to know the answer to this. I am 39 and have been asked out by a 25 year old. It just sounds ludicrous to even consider it, but he is very good to me. Caring, nice, respectful, fun to be around. Would it be so wrong??
@Lissa,
It’s hard for me to say, mine seemed amazing at first, everything I was looking for but he actually had no clue who he was and still doesn’t. So he actually just completely adapted to what he thought I needed and wanted which of course is a recipe for disaster. Apart from the fact that he ran hot/cold a could not commit to being with or without me. He is and probably will be for a long time emotionally immature. So I think i could have met this same guy when he turned 30, 35 or even 40 and still have the same issues.
On the other hand I have a friend who is dating a 23 year old and I think she is 38. They are now engaged, purchased their own home 2 years ago and had a baby one year ago. He is not perfect but he knows what he wants and will do what it takes to ensure he creates an environment to have it with his partner. He is quite amazing and she is very lucky.
So I guess NML is right, it’s the guy, not the age, not the look and all the other things we think about.
I think my X will always be difficult to date and be around regardless of whether is 26 or 45!!! Often though it’s easy to blame it all on age but in my case I think he will always be a problem for anyone to date until he works on himself.
You may need to make sure he wants the same things that you do though as there is a bigger chance he may not want to settle down right now?
That’s says it all really doesn’t it 🙂
Character and substance ladies. Don’t second guess what someone wants based on age.
Would it be so wrong to go out with a guy who is very good to you, caring, nice, respectful, and fun to be around? Er, no.
I’m sure it can work. Two people can grow together and if they genuinely value one another and have shared history and values combined with mutual love, care, trust, and respect, why not. Based purely on age, you may assume there’s a big difference but I know men and women with the emotional age of children so really, age doesn’t mean jack. I think if that 40 year old said I’m going to be with the person who makes me feel good, treats me right, and I love them, and he’s in his 20s, it would be silly to write him off to wait around for someone more ‘fitting’.
OK — well, this one resonated loud and clear. The most recent EUM BF was both of numbers 1 and 2 above — near 40, recently moved in with his mom due to post-divorce financial issues (will those last until the youngest, now 4, turns 18?), and using the same status to explain why he was so whacked out and could not be with me. Toss in a side of extreme narcissism (“from now on, I don’t care about making abc or xyz happy….I am going to concentrate on making me happy”) and torpedoes away! Anyway, thanks for making all of this make some sense, to the extent that anyone can. As you advocate, broadening one’s horizons sounds like a really excellent idea!
.-= Res Judicata´s last blog ..Myth: There Are No Good Men to Date (Especially when online dating) – Part 2 =-.
Yes I’d broaded your horizons waaaay past that fool! Who says that sort of rubbish? It sounds like you’re well shot of him!
these articles have been timely and inspiring for me. it’s true that i had the grocery list of traits or interests my ideal man would embody, and it’s true that when i met someone who seemingly had them – it ended up a painful, confusing disaster. there were some things that i just had to learn about him for myself and those things revealed much more than my list. it is exhausting to spend time in their funhouse and the really unfair thing is a lot of these men will just prance off and live their lives whilst we get to unravel the damage, thereby wasting more time and making it more difficult to recognize a man of quality. there are always women who don’t have healthy self esteem for them to stroke their egos off of, i always imagine how many women got a raw deal before me, and how many will after me when i run into one of these guys. it makes me so angry that i was with someone who in reality, didn’t give a damn about me when it came down to it. i certainly don’t want to be in such situations in future…with the same kind of man only 10 years older and even more convinced he’s God’s gift? noooo!
i could have written this–except i go from shock to shame then anger several times a day that i was with a male who did not give a tinker’s damn for me. and treated me like a skank. i had absolutely no clue just what was REALLY going on. (i could throw out the “excuse” card and tell that this was my first attempt at relations after becoming a youngish widow, that i was rusty about motives and signals and not “eyeballing” him hard enough…)
my solace, when it comes, is that it was not for long. but it has been in the top three of scariest times of my life.
(((hugs))) It sounds like you’ve experienced this when already feeling very vulnerable. I’m glad it wasn’t for long but that doesn’t change that it hurt and affected you. I hope you don’t lose your trust and faith in people. Make sure you’re ready to move on and are genuinely open to being in a relationship as opposed to being self-protective so that you try not to experience loss.
These guys do certainly leave an imprint. The best thing that could happen to them is if women stopped giving them the time of day and it stopped being acceptable to go out with these men who are life sappers. In the meantime, work your way through the anger so that you can move on.
#4 is my ex to a tee. He’s 57, his ex-wife is 20yrs younger, his current GF is 14yrs younger, he bought a Harley last yr and thinks he’s God’s gift to all of us. My God it is sounds like a bad movie.
Funny the last time we actually talked he told me I was the only one he could really talk to, really be himself with. Surprise, Surprise, Surprise I’m only 2yrs younger. These guys are chasing their youth and it isn’t a pretty sight.
You ain’t never lied! Most women in their 30’s, 40’s,& 50’s are still desirable as oppose to some men that are in the same age group who are trying to “recapture” their youth and trying to play the field @ the same time are old looking, out of shape, have bellies the size of a small country, broke(child support, bad/damaged credit, ailimony, loss/bad investments, other financial losses or obligations) with nothing to offer but drama and a migrane headache with too much baggage for any woman to carry!
LOL! I call them ‘Recycled Teenagers’ – run! There are good men to date!
Major mid life crisis! Yeah you’re the only one he can talk to but he keeps trying to align himself with these other women. He wants to feel as young as the woman he feels and delude himself 😉
Thank you very much NML for this post. I was with an EUM/AC who was numbers 1 and 4 and I also believe that number 3 – although he had a string of (very) long term relationships (that I could see as a serial monogamistic one night stand rather than a relationship). Actually, he admitted he always chose his GFs for their bodies but he didn`t want to tell me at the beginning as he knew it would drive me away. Of course I was so much more special and he wanted everything with me blah blah blah.
At the beginning, I fell for him because I liked him a lot and I didn`t know anything about his personal or financial circumstances. Therefore I couldn`t see the numbers 1 and 4 so clearly, the less number 3 as he was obviously trying to picture himself in the best possible colours and he also took out his redundancy at that time so I knew he would have to move back to his mum anyway and couldn`t really splash on or play with his “man toys”. However, he actually WAS living with his mom for years (with his older sister round the corner, spending most of his time there) even during his 3-yr relationship and before ??? He had a single room there and kept dreaming how he would like to set up his house… how he would get it furnished etc… But he HAD his own house! He was renting it out and living with his mum to have CHEAP bills and he didn`t even furnish his single room how he would furnish his bedroom in his dreams???
He was actually proud of living home even though he knew his mates thought he was a clown. He kept saying that all his mates got houses when they were young so they could bring women in… but then they had no money because of the mortgage and bills. He instead lived with his mum, kept his money and got a car instead and was hooking with women in the car…. He was obviously pleased with himself how CUNNING he was and it`s actually his mates being silly…
Before redundancy and after he requalified and got a new job, he was and is making GREAT money, basically more than a standard couple make together…..
The thing is, I rented out my own place and paid all my bills to have a place “for us” while he was only keeping a flash car and kept whinning about money all the time and having to pay bills. Now, after we split (4 yrs), I`m thinking – well, he will probably have to again start shagging in a car as he can`t bring women to his mummy`s house – or he would have to keep them in a guest room… I only wonder how he`ll squeeze two people into a peugeot 207 convertible (if his older sisters actually allows him to take it for a drive)… At 43 he`s not the youngest either for that…
Obviously, there were good things and nice times between us and also the whole set of circumstances that I described in other posts. But this part is unfortunately most characteristic of him.
I learnt two major lessons from this EUM/AC experience – a) NEVER start taking seriously an older guy who is still living at home and spending most of his free time home and not with you because it suits him and is proud of it b) ALWAYS listen to your gut and your inner voice as they are ALWAYS right. If something feels strange, not right, rude or bad or a red flag than it is strange, not right, rude and bad and a red flag, and probably VERY MUCH as it struck you so hard that it made you think about it.
I also learnt that I wasn`t perfect either and I needed to work on myself and my issues too. As much as the disappointment at the end was huge and it hurt a lot, this relationship learnt me a lot and helped me to improve my own issues at least by 50 %.
He, in his very long hot phase made me see that I am sexy, attractive, smart and funny and showed me that there can be a nice time with a guy and what it feels like to love someone and be close and think about having a family. Yes, it didn`t last but I now know all these things and experienced these positive feelings that I didn`t know by then (or at least not for sure).
I could also see that at the end he changed more into a grumpy and irritated person I used to be at the beginning, totally lost in his work and serving his sister/mother while I became more of his former positive and more relaxed self enjoying life. It definitely moved me forward a lot and I don`t think that a not EUM/AC would ever took the effort or come near me at the very beginning. However, now I feel more ready for a “normal” guy but I keep working on myself.
It sounds like you have wised up to what was wrong in this situation. This guy has other priorities and you fall down the list. He’s a responsibility dodger and there’s too much family stuff going on there. He sounds like a tightwad as well. I know so many men who live at home with their mums for financial gain, it’s weird! They also live at home with their mums because they like it and they don’t want to get into anything committed. Keep working through your issues. You need more than a nice time and you’re right – you can have this and more with someone else.
“I know I helped quite a few guys inflate their ego’s” oh can I relate to this one. Big mistake. I thought I was being kind not to point out ExEUM’s physical limitations (bad knees) and performance issues because he was older. People age, bodies break down if you don’t take care of them. I didn’t hold it against him in fact I tried to make it seem that he was wonderful inspite of. I did give him a false sense of bravdo. Which of course made him think he was the sh*t. So no big surprise when he chased after a 24yr old (30 years his jr) while with me. FB and didn’t know it. He could barely keep up with me!!!!!
I gave up on counting years and started counting values, morals, eliefs to see if they matched my own regardless of the age. Being aligned on the same path was more important to me than if he was my age or older. Sparkey is 15 years older than me – he thought I would not go out with him because of our age difference. He didn’t chase me either – at least not in the conventional way. We found common interest and ground and from there starting have conversations about our beliefs and values. More important to have shared values and morals – to be on the same page. He doesn’t look 61 – he takes care of himself and is in great shape for a man his age. We walk the same spiritual path and to me that is everything.
What a great story Movedon. Imagine if you had ruled him out based on age – you’d be missing out. Exhale, embrace, enjoy! You’ve focused on what’s important and lo and behold, that’s what you’re with because they are the things that add substance to your relationship. Very happy for you x
You know, I don’t see how dating in my 20’s was actually any easier than in my 30’s so we need to stop romaticizing when we were younger as if we actually missed something. The world is how you see it. Period. Start seeing the men out there, because they are everywhere.
I think the idea of dating in our 20’s being easier is coming from the perspective of 50 and 60 year olds, not that we are romancing the time when we were in our 20. The world certainly reflects back what you see. The point being, 30 and 40 years ago, the world was a kinder, gentler place and dating went by a whole bunch of other rules. Attraction aside, the men we dated in our 20’s reflected the morals of the day.
40 years ago, dating was very different and a lot simpler. But actually, I think people need to remember the basics and old values. The internet is not the oracle and the source of life. Plenty of people don’t use technology to date and go out and do stuff and meet people like ‘olden times’. But society does need stronger moral values about relationships.
Michelle, dating in my twenties was at times bloody awful. Amen to your wise words!
I’m living proof that just because a man is in his late 30s doesn’t mean he’d cut the apron strings, have grown up or has become emotionally available due to his age. I married the AC and rightfully divorced him as soon as I was able and never looked back. He was 15 years older than me and my excuse at the time (and rightfully so) was I was young, inexperienced with life and at that point, my logic was, “hey, he’s had some life experience and may have sown his wild oats, so, he should be mature and ready to commit, right?” Nope, he wasn’t.
As this sweet young guy who’d recently asked me out (he’s 10 years younger than me) said, “age is just a number” Darn right! 🙂
Sherry
Yes I wouldn’t use age as an indicator of what someone should or shouldn’t be doing because everyone’s life experiences are different. Lots of forty-something women want to settle down. Lots of forty-something men are getting their second wind and holding on tight to their freedom. Have to judge people individually based on their own behaviours and beliefs, not what we project.
I had to take a break from this blog because I was taking too much stock into the stories and articles posted and it was causing me to confuse my beliefs about my own relationship.
I’ve dated older men, younger men, men my same age and they all were similar in traits and that was due to my beliefs about love. I used to believe there were no good men out there and guess what kept showing up at my door? No good men. I stopped claiming that and the minute I did a different breed began to show up – some EUM but many were not. It’s all about your beliefs.
My last relationship ended on New Years day, I walked away from it, applied no contact for 3 weeks when he called and we met up to talk. And talk we did – heart to heart, open and honest. Boundaries were set and so far he has made great efforts to change. He understood where he went wrong, he was honest about being afraid to trust and love and he knew that I was capable of walking away for good and once he knew this, it forced him to make changes.
But I will tell you this: he changed because I changed. In those 3 weeks apart I got back to me, doing the things I loved, going to places I stopped going and more importantly I stopped allowing myself to be caught up in anyone’s issues, particularly his. People can change ladies, even EUM, provided YOU change your beliefs about yourself and relationships. My aunt once told me: “A woman can change a man provided she change herself.”
I am finally back to the woman I once was and the man who was once an EUM is now very much emotionally available and our relationship is that much stronger now.
I’m glad that you are now with an emotionally available man and wish you every happiness. The idea of this blog is to get your own mind, empower yourself, and work out who you are and what you want. Some men are habitually emotionally unavailable and others are as a result of a recent trauma. Some just have poor habits and don’t realise the problems they cause. He has now learned and good for you.
funhouse and the really unfair thing is a lot of these men will just prance off and live their lives whilst we get to unravel the damage, thereby wasting more time and making it more difficult to recognize a man of quality.
@ Me wrote the above and we can all relate and it’s infuriating. It feels like they have not honoured anything between you shared or the relationship. However 2 things.
1. It’s up to us how long we grieve and be miserable. Yes it’s important to go through the grieving process, all of it!!! But by applying NC, using every tool u can find to help you, stop pinning, get rid of hope and false illusions we can cut the grieving process down and learn so much more about ourselves. It’s about us not them, they left.
2. I don’t think they do just prance off to a beautiful happy life. Men deal with things differently. Men don’t always look at their issues and hit things head on, this takes courage and they often lack that. So what do u think happens to anyone who has issues, never looks at them or resolves them and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again? Happy ever after? Doubtful.
While we have our issues, so do these men.
We hit our issues head on and work hard to resolve them. Most of the types of guys we “have” dated do not. Their issues will only get bigger and more out of control. For me, if I see my x move on, blame me, take no responsabilty for his actions, and he appears over it and happy, the more I know he hasn’t changed and his next relationship will also be doomed.
You’re absolutely right Trinity. If we are in pain and our lives come to a standstill after our relationship has ended, that is down to us, not them. Who knows what they do with their lives and unless you’re right there beside them, you really have no idea what is happening. Life has a way of evening out things and doling out karma. You have to get on with your own life. Thanks for sharing your wise words.