Picture this (adopts Sophia from Golden Girls voice), Dublin, 2000. It’s a few days before Christmas and I’m making my way to the arrivals hall with all of my baggage (literally and figuratively…) after getting off a flight from Miami. My parents thought I was just coming home for Christmas in between semesters, but I was actually moving back and getting myself as far away as possible from what I’d slowly come to realise was an abusive relationship creeping up on me.
My relief at being home quickly dissipated when within minutes of arriving, my mother told me that my ex had been in touch with her, apologising, saying how mean I’d been to him, how much he’d changed (oxymoron right there), and that he wanted to get back together with me. I felt panic grip my insides and the dark cloud I thought I’d left behind me in Fort Lauderdale was back.
Hours later he showed up in an ill fitting leather jacket, with a large bunch of flowers, and an overwhelming need to win me over. In theory you’d like to believe you’d be happy when your ex ‘comes crawling back’ after treating you badly and he was ticking boxes with flowers, apologies and engagement references, but I just couldn’t muster up happiness. Instead I felt afraid. He apologised repeatedly but really it meant “Hurry the eff up and accept my apologies so that I can stop feeling out of control.” He pitched me a life where I could have a “little car” and a “little job” and go and do a “little course”, and we could be so happy together.
But do you know what was odd though? During that visit and over the course of five weeks when he pursued me and harangued me about taking him back until I stopped sleeping, he was never once able to tell or consistently show me exactly what was different. Oh he felt bad that I had felt bad about him treating me bad, but in truth he was a Future Faking wrong footed man.
“How do I know if they’ve changed?” is a question I’ve been asked thousands of times. Too Good To Be True Exes will have you saying “They say they’ll even go to counselling” or “They say they’ll never hurt me again and that things are going to be different this time”.
When someone comes back to you claiming that they’ve changed, that they’ve missed you, are sorry, full of regret, that they’re never going to do or be whatever again and yada yada yada, they should be able to tell you what is different.
What is different in their thinking and actions now that they’re saying that they’ve changed and want to get back together? What problems have they identified that they’ve addressed that can have them claiming they’ve changed?
Anyone can claim they’ve changed but it takes someone of action to show it.
When they come back saying they will change, they’re asking you to take a punt on something that hasn’t happened yet. And it can’t have because the truth is, if someone treated you badly and really had changed, they’d have the good grace to leave you be.
What amazes me, is that the great majority of people when confronted with these claims, don’t take enough time and energy to find out what’s been happening since you broke up.
Where have they been? What have they been doing? Who have they been doing? How did they come to these realisations? What help have they had so far if professional help has been needed and would they still be doing it irrespective of whether you were around? Have they said they’ll change before? If so, what’s so different this time? – Make a list.
What they won’t say is “Well…after we broke up, I quickly got onto a dating site and started collecting attention, followed by an attempt at a relationship. That hasn’t worked out and I suddenly realised that I miss the familiarity of that someone that loves and believes in me no matter what I do to them.”
They’re definitely not going to say “To be honest, I was kind of surprised by how you cut me out of your life and even told me all about myself. I suddenly wondered if I’d misjudged you/our relationship. I also hate being out of control. This whole situation makes me think I look like an assclown. If you take me back, then obviously I’m not.”
Being out of control, something that many unavailable people equate with desire, feeling lonely, fear that you’re not an option, rejection from elsewhere, the problems they had with you following them elsewhere and creating problems, are just some of the reasons why they may find themselves claiming that they’ve changed when they haven’t.
Just like someone can overestimate their interest or capacity for a relationship, the desire or capacity to change can also be overestimated. Sometimes they’ve been Future Faking the possibility of changing over and over again down the years to their family, co-workers, friends, and exes – you just don’t know it. You’re just someone else believing in them and buying into the pipe dream that they’re going to have to disappoint when you expect it to be delivered on.
If you do know it and are thinking “Things will be different this time” and ‘this time’ is the third time (most people love giving out second chances) and beyond, it’s a sign that you’re still holding that defibrillator on your flatlining relationship while wearing rose tinted glasses and the fur coat of denial.
This isn’t to say that people can’t and don’t change – hell I have, as have many other people, but we do it because of our own motivations and the change takes place regardless. There has to be major consequences to not changing and often that doesn’t equate to not being with you. Why? Because if you’ve put up with all sorts of inappropriate, boundary busting stuff from them, they know you’ll take ’em as is. If you haven’t moved on and left them in the dust while also being receptive, it says “I’m hopeful that you’re ready to make me the exception to your rule of shady behaviour. I’m up for negotiation.”
This is why It’s absolutely critical that when they come back claiming that they’ve changed, that you don’t prompt them or put words in their mouth. Actions speak louder than words but if someone’s going to come squawking about change, they’d better match.
Do not fill in the blanks. Make no assumptions. Let them explain. For all you know, you could assume they mean the thing you’ve been on their arse like Zorro about for a gazillion years and they could have latched onto something minuscule as a way to get their foot through the door.
If they have an issue that requires professional help, they should have been doing that for a few months at least before they come rolling up for a chance.
Hard as it may be to hear, some people say that they’ve changed because they know it’s a conversation and even leg opener. Claiming change will end silence or even calm down anger. They know that they have to front like they have changed to get your attention and gain your trust. If you’re receptive, your imagination is up and away Betting On Potential. Or you’re naked.
Before you sell yourself in on a new deal, do your homework and make sure you had something good enough in the first place to warrant returning to. If you don’t, it’s like allowing the dodgy door to door salesman that sold you the busted vacuum cleaner to come back and sell you another one. Anyone who has previously sold you a dodgy relationship is only back to sell you another one. Instead of being curious, close the door on their foot or just don’t answer.
Your thoughts?
Check out my posts – Why some relationships don’t work out, Knowing when to work at your relationship and Giving Them a Second Chance
If you have a habit of having partners claiming that they’ve changed, have dealt with Future Faking, and being a Florence Nightingale, check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.
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I would think somebody who really had done the emotional work on himself that put him on a new path to different actions and behaviors would not want to be in contact with those of us that rallied to them when they were damaged. That is why I would be very suspicious of somebody “coming back,” especially if it’s not YEARS later. Within months? I doubt with the kind of attachment disorders many of these guys have that honest-to-goodness change actually happens in such a short period as months.
It takes a lot of hard work to change our behaviors and thought processes. It doesn’t happen overnight, and with the kinds of attachment disorders we are probably talking about, it also doesn’t happen within months. I’d say it could take upwards of a year and that is if they are doing active work in therapy and really making an effort because they WANT to change. But like Natalie wrote, you really need to get the lowdown on what has transpired during the time you’ve been apart.That will give you the evidence you need of what has actually been going on.
People put in the often traumatic and painful work required to change because something about their life “isn’t working.” I can see a lot of these emotionally unavailable men never “hitting bottom” and realizing that something needs to change. As long as they have a revolving door of women willing to put up with them even for short periods, and as long as they are defended against examining their ego structure and their behaviors, they won’t change a thing.
Hi Molly,
“As long as they have a revolving door of women willing to put up with them even for short periods, and as long as they are defended against examining their ego structure and their behaviors, they won’t change a thing. ”
Bless you. And Thanks. Perfect clarity moment for me. Tracy
You’re right Tracy, Molly makes perfect sense.
Yes, well put, Molly. I agree, most of these guys will never feel the need to make changes cos they’ll never hit the bottom – they’ll never hurt as much or as deeply as the hurt they cause. Fickle. easy come, easy go.
They need to realize that they have to be willing to change first. Then get their own therapist. To take responsibility for their issues that negatively affected the relationship and to quit blaming you.
Real change lasts, and if the change is only orchestrated to get you back it will be a mighty fine actor that will want to get back with you. They’ll be all form,with no substance to fill the void inside. More words mismatching their actions. And more pain in store for you while they muddle about blaming the world and not taking responsibility for themselves.
“Real change lasts, and if the change is only orchestrated to get you back it will be a mighty fine actor that will want to get back with you.” brilliantly put Namaste.
‘As long as they have a revolving door of women willing to put up with them even for short periods, and as long as they are defended against examining their ego structure and their behaviors, they won’t change a thing.’ And there is an endless source of women, there is no shortage what so ever. I was running a background check on a prospective client and a google search brought up a mugshot website showing he’d been arrested. A lady actually posted a message on this website asking if he remembered her and that she’d really like to connect again with her info and signed xoxoxo. I mean are we so pathetic as women that we need to pick up men on a website announcing their arrests.
Change, yep, I wouldnt do it either if I was continuously given what I wanted without being forced to look at my own mistakes. Fortunately, I dont have that kind of luck.
SM,
You are soo right!!, why will these men change? they have a whole harem of women, some very good looking and young, and they will put up with any bs just to “keep” a man.
I feel I don’t have a chance, if I have boundaries they opt out, if I don’t have boundaries I get hurt. What to do?
Allie,
Why would you want one of these types of guys to opt *in*??? If you stick to your boundaries and values, you will attract people who respect you, instead of these AC’s who don’t.
You are totally right RadioGirl,
I don’t want another AC/EUM. But I have been single most of my life and I am feeling lonely. But I just needed to vent, I won’t lower my standards, been there done that and it is not worth it.
Stay single for a while.
I was in the position of it hurting just as bad when boundaries were in place. but now it feels much better just knowing he can’t hurt me anymore.
Thanks Tanzanite!!
it is so good to have this support group.
allie I totally have felt the same way as you at times. But, I am not giving up hope that I can eventually be attracted to someone decent and that I can stop my own eu ways. I have conversations now with men I come in contact with, not for romantic reasons but just to practice listening to what they are saying. The things I’ve heard are just unbelievable. So I’ve learned if I just listen without being all googlied eyed over them, I just might hear something that keeps me from making the same mistakes.
Thanks SM,
That’s very smart. I want to do as you said, just listen with no expectations and observe. I am trying really hard, fighting my fast imaginations. Love the goglied eyes comment.
My main issue is that I am a dreamer, but i am working on it.
SM – there’s a word for what that woman did – desperate. Might as well she hangs outside the prison gates with a placard saying “will take anyone!”
That’s a great visual right there!
I look at it like this: what’s harder – changing relationship habits that you don’t even know the origin of or losing fifteen pounds? I know where the extra fifteen pounds came from and it still would be a hell of a lot of work to decide to change my lifestyle in a way that would keep off that weight. Without a strong foundation to the change, we revert to old habits. People who come back saying “they’ve changed” or “they will change” are like people who have just joined a gym saying “it’s all going to be different this time”. It may well be, but if you’ve seen that person yo-yo back and forth with promises to themselves before, then why, really, would you take them on their word? You’d have to wait until they lost the weight – to continue to with the analogy – and had kept it off for quite a while.
I’ve been trying to “lose” my baggage, and dump years of negativity and years of reaching for the consoling cookies of anger, defeatism and criticism. It doesn’t happen overnight, as most of us here have realized.
My ex promised to go to counselling. He in fact had to have some, or volunteered to have some, when his new secretary, whom he had liked but thought could be “too aggressive,” quit because she felt “demeaned” and told HR about it. I watched as he managed to hear everything the counsellor said as supporting himself, that he was under a lot of stress, etc and that my craziness (he told her about me) was not good for him. He said, “She thinks our relationship is unhealthy.” I couldn’t believe it. I could have told him that. But suddenly I was the toxic one.
Then came promises to follow up on counselling that came the first couple of times I broached the topic of breaking up. That never happened.
If in the time that I haven’t seen him, he has been to counselling and has grown up (highly unlikely), then he will have started looking for someone more appropriate, rather than someone young and relatively inexperienced to control. So either way, changed or not, he’s not for me and not my problem.
“I’ve been trying to “lose” my baggage, and dump years of negativity and years of reaching for the consoling cookies of anger, defeatism and criticism. It doesn’t happen overnight, as most of us here have realized. ”
I think that people do change, I’m changing myself – from EU fallback and yes, it is taking a while. No it doesn’t happen overnight.
I had a fantasy / casual relationship that never got off the ground where the other person was flip flapping, hot and cold, umming and aahing while seeing multiple other people because we hadn’t “officially” got the labelled / had ‘The Discussion’.
It was so bad and did so much damage in the end I just *couldn’t* go around with the same beliefs anymore. And that’s how I found BR; I think I broke every one of NML’s guidelines in the book!
Change takes a while.
I felt encouraged that my ex was going to therapy to work through issues from his toxic divorce, only to later learn that he fired a counselor who was “pushing him too hard” and found one that told him what he wanted to hear!
Brilliant comment Magnolia from start to finish. The whole 15 pounds, the gym, your crackerjack ex, and ultimately recognising that he’s not the one for you, had me nodding like crazy.
When I embarked on my journey, I didn’t know where I would end up – I just knew I wasn’t turning back. When you’re working on change over a consistent period of time, new ways of thinking and behaviours become habit. You only truly realise how much those habits are taking hold when a situation arises and you handle it, or you suddenly realise how great you feel and that you don’t chat shit about yourself to yourself.
Over six years since I started, I still get new realisations.
I think many of the wonderful things you’re doing to push forward will become habit soon enough. Keep the faith.
I like the idea of “no turning back.” Whenever I get pangs that involve memories of him, I always ask myself what I really want, because going backward to him is certainly not it.
And it IS wonderful when you get the chance to experience the slow but sure effects of working on oneself. I went on three first dates this week. All from online; I chose people I thought seemed decent, messaged them, and went for coffee. I admit, I kind of had to force myself to do this the way one forces oneself to the gym, but I’m glad I did.
The first guy paid about as much attention to me (talking all about himself) as my exAC did on our first date so long ago. This time, instead of wondering if he’s nervous, I have no problem thinking “hell to the no thanks” and deleting. Guy number two: great conversational chemistry, we closed the bar chatting, but his current recreational drug use means he’s not looking to be a family guy. No problem. Next. Guy number three: probably the most interested in me of the three, very kind, pulls out chairs for me, holds my coat, admits he’s not a drinker (great!). I don’t know if he’s the best fit, but I can appreciate that his level of enthusiasm, politeness and interest is the minimum I should expect as a green light. This is a long, long way from the person I was when I met the ex. Dating feels very different from this place of greater self-trust.
Just more evidence that if we (or they) really change, chances of us going backward to return to a broken relationship are pretty slim.
“As long as they have a revolving door of women willing to put up with them even for short periods, and as long as they are defended against examining their ego structure and their behaviors, they won’t change a thing.” Very well said Molly.
What we have to recognise when not only are we receptive but that we *persist* in being receptive is that it is a sign that we ourselves have not done the work that *we* need. We can be under this misguided assumption that if the ‘driver’ comes back and says they’ll change and does, that not only will the relationship be miraculously fixed but even if we do have our own issues, they’ll suddenly be fixed too. Not at all the case.
First of all, the intro to this one made me spit my Diet Coke all over my lap. As Sophia would say, “The man is a yutz!”
Here is my other favorite part: “Hard as it may be to hear, some people say that they’ve changed because they know it’s a conversation and even leg opener.”
Yup! The funny thing about my particular boomerang assclown, was even after he was caught out lying/intenionally future faking/trying to line up other options after begging me to take him back claiming he was a “new man” (ladies…I know people can change, but if someone keeps yapping about The New Them, this says loud and clear that the old one sucked, so be wary), he was STILL INSISTING HE’D CHANGED. Errrr, deluded much?
I said to him, “It doesn’t matter to me if you’ve ‘changed’. I’m still getting the same sh*tty treatment, so why should I care?” Homeboy still continued trying to throw down the freakin’ Friend Card.
Like Nat I experienced a lot of anxiety around getting back together. He had gotten in touch saying he “was trying to right some of the wrongs of his past” (I should have said, “Exactly how many are we talking? Plural makes me nervous.”) So, I made a point to ask all the pertinent questions like, “What happened in your life to make you want to change?” and “What made you want to get in touch with me?” After listening to him pontificate without actually answering any of these, I should have bounced.
He also insisted he was volunteering at a hospital and yet, once we were back on, I never heard a thing about it again. It must have been Future Faking County Hospital For The Dishonest and Moronic. The lesson here is that if you’re going to go back, keep your eyes and ears open, pay attention and, if anything seems fishy take action!
They say that they are a “new” man…
I always think, if I wanted a new man… I’d just get one and dump the AC!!!
hehe I love your name. 🙂
Love it – so true!! I’d also like to second how friggin’ great your name is 🙂
Lol, getting a ‘NEW’ man, & dumping ‘THE AC’ -good idea! (especially, since he’s claiming 2b so ‘new’ now).
Amen Tired_of_Assanova – and great name!
I’ll admit Natasha – as I wrote the first line, I *knew* you’d love it!
“He also insisted he was volunteering at a hospital and yet, once we were back on, I never heard a thing about it again. It must have been Future Faking County Hospital For The Dishonest and Moronic. ” Jaysus he really is a creep. I read that and I felt dirty – flipping sleezebag! Volunteering to do what? Suffocate them with his assholery? Lend his brain to medical science so they can figure out how jackasses tick? Ugh!
Lol, looks like he needs brain surgery, – a new ‘brain implant’ would also be a good medical procedure for an AC!
Suffocate them with his assholery hahahaha! So funny and so very, very true! Making something like that up is a lowlife move for sure. My mother was like, “If he ever actually did that, he did it once and it was only to hit on the nurses.”
This guy really was the most deluded person I’ve ever met in my life – after all, this is the same guy that was posting Fbook statuses about what a great person he is. (I wish I was kidding.) After I’d taken him back, he wrote, “It’s all about the man in the mirror.” If I knew then what I know now, I would have said, “First of all, leave MJ out of this. Second of all, I’m not one of your faux-charity projects and bestowing your attention on me isn’t feeding the starving.” What’s that sound you hear? Fluuuuuuush!
@Natasha:
Lol, this entire comment is too ridiculously funny, OMG! I luv how you say, “I wish I was kidding” & I luv the MJ reference, (it’s like don’t even drag innocent MJ into your world of ‘ACness’, well, it’s more like, “what about the AC in the mirror”, guess he 4got that part on FB, haha!!
“After I’d taken him back, he wrote, “It’s all about the man in the mirror.””
Hehe!!!! I think I know this same guy!!!
@Chi-girl123 – Glad you enjoyed! Ironically enough, this fool spends the bulk of his time looking in the mirror…admiring himself.
@Lavender – Girl, for real! So many of these stories are so similar, sometimes I wonder if there are actually like 3-5 Traveling Assclowns that criss-cross the globe, from coast to coast and continent to continent, just spreading their jackassery around 😉
“It’s all about the man in the mirror.” *weeping with laughter* Natasha! Damn right he’d better leave MJ out of it. When I read this, I remembered Celebrity Big Brother UK when Jermaine Jackson was combing the lacquer in his hair to the sound of Man In the Mirror. Doesn’t your ex realise that no decent person in their right mind will read those statuses and not think “dick”.
Hahahahaha! Ohmygod, Nat I have to see if I can find that on YouTube! Poor Jermaine, his hair reminds me of the Soul Glo family from Coming To America. That’s so true that my ex’s status is a true embodiment of Those Who Doth Protest Too Much Syndrome 😉
I dated a guy who didn’t tell me he was having a baby with another woman and then lied to me about living with a roommate when he was living with her. His sob story was she trapped him into an unplanned pregnancy. When I put the pieces together and ended it, I told myself that I needed to create necessary preconditions in my mind for ever getting back together so I wouldn’t give in to a moment of weakness or emotion. Mine were the following: (1) complete public breakup with the gf; (2) a minimum of months of demonstrated serious introspection, whether through therapy or otherwise; (3) confirmation by a mutual friend I trusted that he had no prior history of cheating and that this situation was aberrational as he claimed; and (4) willingness to be put on a short leash to rebuild my trust. Well, six months later, he’s still with the gf (who knows he cheated) and I saw him out last weekend with another woman NOT his gf. Am I glad that I resisted his overtures to get back together! Clearly he’s flunked the test.
Woah this is a bad situation. You are so much better off without him.
poison be very glad you are not with this guy. My cousin is married to a guy who on the 13th year of marriage finds out he has a daughter she didnt know about, and the daughter is 14. He swears up and down that he told her about this kid, now dont you think she would remember something like that. I now have 3 family members who married guys with serious problems, getting a divorce over them (years later) or are having serious life altering problems because of the very thing these guys did when they were dating. It is an eye opener for me, their problems dont go away they only magnify as the years go on especially if there is a woman willing to take their ‘issues’ on. I am so thankful that I am not involved with an ac/eum and hope to keep it that way.
Very true SM – like you’d forget about a lovechild – the man is crazymaking!
I think we went out with the same man. The same old lies for me too.
Poisonivy, your ex is a clown. Trapped him? Yeah right. When you have boundaries you’ll find that there are no conditions that people like him can operate in. He has no shame.
A man can be trapped into fatherhood but no one is “trapped” into a relationship with the baby’s mother. We know many people in common (including his boss!) so it was unfathomable that someone would lie so shamelessly when it was inevitable that I would find him out. Although I didn’t find out from others. I stumbled on a website where he was profiled for a part-time DJ job and he answered the question “Where will you be in 10 years?” with “I’ll be the father of a ten-year old.” I feel sorry for that baby, now 9 months old, who is clearly being raised in a family with little hope of breaking the cycle of dysfunction.
Natalie, I was married to an N for twenty five years and been divorced for three..I am bound and determined not to repeat this relationship again..I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this blog, I am learning so many things that I really and truly had no idea about..I wish they taught this in High School instead of Algebra or ???? Thank you so much for all your hard work on this blog and sharing your very valuable insights..I am learning so much!!!
Well done for getting and staying away Deb. Don’t look back and don’t let him or any tool get so much as a pube nevermind a foot back in your life.
“I wish they taught this in High School instead of Algebra or ????”
I agree. Nat should consider a package for schools at some time in the future – when/if she’s got the time!
Or is it too like maths – you’re not ready to ‘get it’ until you are ready to ‘get it’… none of us are going to make changes until we realise we really need to – and for our own sakes not for anyone else’s?
I have pointed a few friends/family to Nat’s blog cos I recognise they need it, but they don’t agree – yet! If all these EUM/ACs who say they wanted to have better relationships actually meant it Nat’s blogs would be full of their posts. Yet I know that the very day I decided to look for help to deal with my flip-flapping-flopping relationship with the ex EUM I started googling and found myself here within fifteen minutes of my search.
When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear.
Yep, I agree that you have to be in the right mind frame to “get it”.
I had a very wise and experienced friend tell me, within the first months of my last relationship, that I had no boundaries and needed to focus on me instead of investing it all in the man & the relationship. I heard her advice and practiced by sometimes putting myself first (like choosing to go out with a group of my friends instead of his’ when the situation presented itself) or not always being there the second he called me, etc.
I did it, but my heart wasn’t into it : I’d constantly think about when I’d get to go back to him, or in how many minutes it’d be safe to answer him while looking busy with my life. My actions tried to put myself first, but my mind would be very much focused on him and the effects my actions had on him.
Then, two years later, I was forced to go into NC. While he has always been respectful during the relationship (way more than I respected myself, I have to say…) he has lacked respect and courage afterwards. We were supposed to be working on our respective issues (he, his emotional unavailability, me my lack of boundaries) in order to get back together, but after having been depressed and being all doubtful for three months, he moved on to another woman without letting me know that we were no longer trying together.
I have been serious about NC since, it’s been two months. And only NOW do I understand that those last two years of trying to put some boundaries have been a joke, because actions without meaning are nothing.
You have to “get it”, both in your head and in your heart, to be able to work on yourself. You can recognize your problems and even put some solutions in action, if it doesn’t really hit home it won’t do a thing for you.
Love the buddhist quote !
They’re definitely not going to say “To be honest, I was kind of surprised by how you cut me out of your life and even told me all about myself. I suddenly wondered if I’d misjudged you/our relationship. I also hate being out of control. This whole situation makes me think I look like an assclown. If you take me back, then obviously I’m not.”
And let the church say “Amen!” Ain’t no way in hell I’d take my FF/EUM back! I don’t care how much he claimed he’d changed. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you.
Actually, I got that backwards. I meant to say, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
LOL you got that backwards, but I thought you did it on purpose. Still funny lol…
Oh Gina, so true! The funny part is that even if my ex got it together one day and really DID do a total 180 and turn into The Greatest Man That Ever Lived, I still wouldn’t want him back. Like Nat says, if they really have changed, chances are they have the decency to leave you alone.
Yep Gina – we’ve got to stop chasing the fairy tale and happy ending with a dodgy ex. Leave him parked in the past!
Excellent article. Molly, you summed it up most succinctly, and there is really nothing more to add! Caveat emptor, always!
“Hurry the eff up and accept my apologies so I can stop feeling out of control.”
I remember reading that the first time around and thinking that’s my ex.
I switched my phone off for 4 months so he couldn’t contact me and as soon as I switched it back on again he phoned me-
” I’m sorry,I wish I treated you better ,it’s not been easy for me too,give me a chance to make it up to you”
and the clincher-
” I can’t love anyone else”.
It was just what I wanted,a crumb of attention when I was in the gutter.
This was the lowest point for me.I was going to give him a last chance if he agreed for me to meet his family and friends and he did agree, but I knew it was never going to happen.A day later I received a text late at night which said-
” I feel love. ”
It sounded like the answer to a question but I knew I hadn’t text him.I ignored it, but later I checked the message details to see what time he had sent it and I also noticed he had sent it to another number because it was logged in my phone. I text the number but got no response.The next day the owner of the number called me and said she didn’t know anything about it . I told her I had her number logged in my phone so I knew she had received it, she then tried to act as if she wasn’t interested and said –
” I might have spoken to him on face book,I can’t remember “.
Two weeks earlier I had asked him if he was on face book and he said no .I changed my number and have never spoken to him since.
I saw him a year later with a woman and a six month old baby.(do the maths).That’s what he was doing when we were no contact and he was trying to get me back with me.
I thought I would never get over him and 2 years later I realize the person he pretended to be never existed.
Tanzanite,
You went through something horrible with that guy. Truth is, They don’t change, they don’t try to change, but they do quickly get another woman to go along with their sick ways and are successful hurting everyone in their paths including these innocent babes born from them.
A couple of other women on this site have commented with similar stories involving other women and pregnancies…I also have an experience similar. Heartbreaking, but we have to untangle ourselves from the complete mess: Bottom line. The EUM and any other name appropriate for them (liar, cheater, user, future faker, abuser, narcissist…) most of them do not change. And we can be pretty spot-on-target to know if (our) X will change. We just have to trust, and as Natalie in this article says: Write a list, Make them prove it., and actions count stronger than any of the words/promises. My opinion most of the guys we put into No Contact should not get third and more chances to be with us. This is hard when I wake up at 4am lonely.
I like this too: “Anyone who has previously sold you a dodgy relationship is only back to sell you another one. Instead of being curious, close the door on their foot or just don’t answer.” -Natalie
Thanks Angel Face
Your words mean a lot to me thank you.
It still hurts 2 years later and I still occasionally think about it.
As Natalie says-” don’t try and build someone up from the ground ”
In the end you will end up building yourself up from the ground and it’s hard.
Thank you ,again.
“” I’m sorry,I wish I treated you better ,it’s not been easy for me too,give me a chance to make it up to you” Your ex is a real dicksplash Tanzanite. What hasn’t been easy for him? Pretending that he’s a decent person when really he’s not? What a terrible way to treat someone. Manipulative. Well done for cutting him off. Don’t even sweat it – people that lie and twist like that are no good for anyone.
Dick splash.That is so funny.
Every time I feel sad I shall think of that.In fact,that can be his new name.
Thanks
@ Molly:
I’m in agreement with your thoughts..good points..soooo true. I agree it’s a lot of work that has to be put in b4 a person can come back claiming that they’ve changed and are all new and improved especially without any proven actions/accomplishments achieved to confirm it. Some relationships are just done ‘a done deal’ and that’s it. All the changing in the world still may not equate into another chance for a worthy fulfilling relationship. Frankly, ‘it is what it is’.
Also, do not ‘bet on the potential’ of anyone bcuz that’s just like betting on “fluffy clouds/words/dreams’ or I like to say ‘AIR’, okay bcuz, who would make a bet on ‘air’? rite? Well, if you really have time to waste?? Ok well, you might be in for a turbulent roller coaster ride of your life *raises eyebrows* yikes.
“Anyone who has previously sold you a dodgy relationship is only back to sell you another one. Instead of being curious, close the door on their foot or just don’t answer.” -Natalie
I concur with that statement…I’m thinking, like ok, why does a person have to try and sell the ‘same ole’ (**** bleeping, fill in the blank) garbage relationship, I mean just bcuz you’ve changed a couple of ‘self serving’ things (like, “hey, I’m in school now”,etc…) still doesn’t warrant you a changed man/woman of genuine character, lol. You are still the same person that prefers withhold pertinent information (or tell only parts of the truth) to do/get whatever he/she wants at the moment (‘lil sneak’ just been caught red handed, aga-a-a-in!), lol.
I agree do not be receptive, “Do not open that DOOR! Baby-bye!*as the door slams*!”
I wonder if anyone has ever had a good relationship after breaking up and going back… it seems that everytime you go back you get LESS and LESS.
And what else does it say about them if they totally morph into whatever shape you want them to be — that’s not hot at all.
I remember someone I dated coming back and claiming that they had quit smoking for me… and I was like, OK, riight, um I don’t really care…
“it seems that everytime you go back you get LESS and LESS.” – tired_of_assanova
I soooo agree with this…I agree that when they resurface it seems as if they are missing something of value/substance as if they are HALF the person they were b4, just a mouth piece ‘s talking but saying NOTHING(it’s like their ‘assholery ways’ have been revealed & they want to try to cover it all up again with an honest face)…It seems as if they are offering you less than NOTHING even, but they still want you to give their ‘half@$$ acting selves’ another chance to break your heart aga-a-a-in, no thx, I think -NOT!!
I LUV ur NAME also, it’s so appropriate, LOL!!!
“I mean just bcuz you’ve changed a couple of ‘self serving’ things (like, “hey, I’m in school now”,etc…) still doesn’t warrant you a changed man/woman of genuine character, lol. You are still the same person that prefers withhold pertinent information (or tell only parts of the truth) to do/get whatever he/she wants at the moment (‘lil sneak’ just been caught red handed, aga-a-a-in!), lol. ” Hilarious and oh so true Chi-girl123! Spot on!
Thanks so much Natalie!! *smiles* I’m realizing so much more nowadays!
NML, we met this summer in NYC. I am the woman who was dating a younger man who lived at home. At that time, I still had doubts about the break-up because I thought he was such a good guy who treated me well. I hope that you remember the story. Well let me bring you up to date.
He called on my birthday wanting to take me out. I declined the offer. However, he was extremely persistent, so after a week, I gave in with a few conditions. 1) We need to discuss your living arrangements; your moving out immediately. I need to know his plans. I wanted to see if he really gave any of this any serious thought 2) No sex or intimacy. I would not even let him spend the night with me. He had to go home after the date. I told him that I wanted to wait for 90 days to have sex so I could see consistent behavior/actions from him.
Within the four week time frame that he was back in my life, there were several red flags waving at me. 1) He did not want to discuss the issues that broke us up; he just want to take me out for my b-day and have a good time. He really did not have any plans. He kept saying relax and we will talk about it later. 2) It took me actually blowing up at him before he apologized for his contribution to the failed relationship. This apologize took place during week 2 Initially, he did a few nice gestures but I was looking for long-term consistent behavior. 3) He was determined to have sex immediately.
The last week before I decided that I would opt out, he did several things that made me believe that he was indeed an assclown and a momas boy. But I have to admit a part me did not want to admit to what I knew to be true. I was still hanging on to our early relationship when I thought he was so sweet to me (maybe at that time he was, but not now) But my instincts were in overdrive. Whenever I would speak to him, my stomach would get tight. Every fiber in my body was screaming get out of this relationship now!
Friday night, he came over to discuss how we were going to move forward. We had a nice evening, no.sex or intimacy. he went home as usual. however Saturday, morning I decided to be honest with myself and I admitted to myself that I was going to get a real adult relationship from him. So all day Saturday I did not answer his calls or texts. He continued calling until 1am. I finally responded my text that I had nothing else to say to him. Monday he tried calling me again, I did not answer. So he sent me a rant filled email telling me that everything was my fault. I responded by email by saying that I did not want him any longer. One week later he sent another email apologizing and explaining why it was my fault because I did not answer his calls. He went on to say that he had no intention of breaking up with me and that he was still in love with me and he wante to be friends. Pure manipulation on his part and I did not buy it. I did not respond to his last email and I have not intention of speaking to him again. Its really over in my mind and I am so happy to begin the real work of concentrating on me.
Hi Aboutme, I certainly do remember you! I’ve thought of you often actually, wondering what a fine woman like yourself is doing with this manchild. I know younger men than him that are more responsible….
But you know what? I’m glad you see things for what they are now. Sometimes you’ve got to suck it and see. He (and his meddling family) did a real number on you and it was the type of situ that could have you second guessing yourself.
But he showed his ass and he crossed boundaries from the outset, repeatedly disrespecting you. The truth is though, if you truly believed that he was capable of change and that you’d made a mistake, you wouldn’t have even had to set those conditions or explicitly state your boundaries. It was like giving him a cheat sheet to help him pass the test and he couldn’t even do that.
You must also realise that a man (and I use that word loosely here) that will live at home at 30 plus because he doesn’t have to spend a red cent while going Dutch (oh hell to the effing no) and squirrelling away a fortune while having his mother micromanage his life and undermine your relationship, is not used to not having his own way. That’s why he still lives at home, sheltered from the real world.
You can and will do better. There’s nothing wrong with being with a younger man – I know quite a few people that have met someone that shares their values when someone their own age or older didn’t, but there is something wrong with being with Stingy Peter Pan that has no plans to move out. Flush!
NML, this relationship really forced me to examine the person in the mirror. I mean if you take the attention off of him (we know he is a manchild, asshole) and just focused on my decision to take him into my life, this choice speaks volumes about me. As painful as it is to admit, I do not truly believe in myself.
I would have to say that you are right, in hindsight I knew that he had not changed, thus the reason for the restrictions. Once again in hindsight, I wanted to HOPE that he had changed, so that I could finally get out of this dating game. I wanted to be able to finally say, “Look everybody, I snagged a man, validate me”. Sad to say, I thought snagging this man would help me validate myself! I am thankful for this suck and see experience it cleared the past garbage out of my head so that I could focus on me.
Moving on, I don’t feel that sense of desperation that I felt this summer. I am now MORE than willing to work on my confidence, get comfortable with just being me and get my spiritual house in order before I even think about dating. I am in no hurry, I have not even put a time limit on my dating hiatus. Finally, I can see my dating horrors are all about MY choices and what factors are motivating/driving my choices. Honestly speaking, my fear of time running out, lack of confidence , being affected by pressure from family/friends, and of course the dreaded man shortage was driving me to make poor dating choices. That is the brutal truth.
Today, I feel so much better and I am more content. I am not sure whether it is my destiny to have a life partner, it would be nice and I am still open to it. But in the meantime, I am going give myself the happiness that I deserve now. I will keep you posted. Btw, let me know the next time that you are in NYC, I will make it my business to come out and see you again.
I feel for you AboutMe and I think that you’re spot on about the contributing factors. He just wasn’t a man that you could have confidence in to make this life journey with. You were already losing respect for him and you don’t want to have to take over micromanaging and babying your man. I think, although it wasn’t necessarily a conscious thing, but he enjoyed the benefits of those contributing factors and started to think he was a lot more special than he was. He’s not doing you any favours. You’re not going to wither up and die without him. Quite the contrary so he needn’t think he’s irreplaceable.
It’s not that there issues don’t exist with a lack of men although the same thing gets said in many places, but I think what helps is to not focus on or believe it too wholeheartedly. When I was single, I couldn’t seem to stop reading about the lack of men and the lack of ‘good black men’, and yet it’s funny how when you’re in that head space, you hear and see things that confirm it. Love finds its way to you in many ways. I do think cities are harder but they’re not impossible. Address you first, something you’re not shying away from, and help shape your own destiny. I’ll let you know when I’m back over. Was going to come this month but it looks like it’s not going to happen but will defas be over soon xxx
When my Ex EUM comes back claiming that he has changed, I will have only one message for him : I’VE CHANGED TOO! GOOD BYE!!
@Liska:
That’s funny& a great idea!
My GF says, “that for some reason ‘they/AC’ will always resurface…just when you thought they were ‘buried/gone’ here they come resurfacing onto the Earth once again.” She says they *always* resurface, lol.
Hilarious Liska! Amen!
Liska – wouldn’t we all love to say that to “him”! Good one!
Liska,
Love it!
I dont know if you can post this or if you will read this but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! Your articles always come at the time I need them to the MOST and they are so good. This one has been the best. You are GREAT at what you do!
Completely agree.
You’re very welcome Nicole!
@ Molly, I 100% agree with everything you said here 🙂
@Natalie, I like the vaccuum salesman analogy… lol… as I read it, and ‘pictured’ it, I crinkled my nose, and thought, who would ever let a stinky saleman fleece you twice?? geez….. but its true! I especially liked the advice about not filling in the blanks– sometimes women tend to ‘fix’ and jump ahead and fill the words/actions for ACs who can’t or have no intention of actually behaving as stand up men…. and why should they? If a good woman rushes in to ‘help’…. they just have to smile and stand there, and a naive woman takes the silence and smile as some sort of validation for her efforts.. ‘look! he’s HAPPY’. BS! Ladies, make him work for it if he even drops an INKLING of ‘let’s talk, I’ve changed/hate being lonely/miss your cuddles and intimacy’, etc.
As women Butterfly, we can paint a picture out of hot air and our libido. If we shut down our imaginations and focused solely on listening, looking, seeing what matched etc, we would have very different experiences. Until then, we’re seeing what we want to see, and hearing what we want to hear and certain people will exploit this to the hilt!
Yes, True :)!
It all comes back to talk vs. action again, doesn’t it? I have known people to change- I sure did- but it was a lengthy, often painful process that usually followed hitting bottom or a significant revelation. In most cases, if the changes were real, there is little to no interest to pursuing someone they’d once been with, except maybe to apologize and move on.
This is why it’s so important to be self-aware and to find a self-aware person to be with. Everyone else stumbles around blindly, repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
Yep Christina. If we’re remotely logical, we have to recognise how inconceivable it is for someone to change in a week or for someone to claim they’ve changed when they’ve literally just pulled out of someone else! What have they changed? Their drawers?
Lol, exactly! good logic!
YES. The EUM came back to me with “Well…after we broke up, I quickly got onto a dating site and started collecting attention, followed by an attempt at a relationship. That hasn’t worked out and I suddenly realised that I miss the familiarity of that someone that loves and believes in me no matter what I do to them.” Almost word for word.
Actually, he went on a dating site and ‘met’ an older woman in the US with kids (he is early 40s but will not grow up) and spent the entire ‘relationship’ apparently discussing me in detail, seeking approval/confirmation for what he’d done to me … When he told me, I felt sorry for her; thankfully she met someone else closer to home who wanted a real relationship, and that was that.
He told me that he’d realised ‘where the real quality was’, namely with me, and I believed him, and I think he really believed it at the time. But he couldn’t sustain it, and within a few short weeks he was ‘off the boil’, as he put it, once again.
Reader, this did not end well, but thankfully it has ended! I think it’s very easy to present ‘change’ for an evening, or a day, or a week or so; the proof of the pudding is when it lasts, and 99% of the time, I don’t think it does.
” I think it’s very easy to present ‘change’ for an evening, or a day, or a week or so; the proof of the pudding is when it lasts, and 99% of the time, I don’t think it does.” Amen PJM!
And you know what? When I think of how much I have changed and imagine myself going to an ex saying I’ve changed, I’d feel like an arsehole. My ego doesn’t need people in my past to validate my changes – isn’t it better to go and enjoy your changes with new experiences instead of going back to a relationship where you treated them badly or you were treated badly? And of course they haven’t changed!
Yup! I would never call up any of my exes all, “I’ve got so much more self esteem now! I’ve changed! Let’s give it another try.” Honestly, I’d feel like a fool. This is why you have to be leery of someone who’s treated you badly claiming they’ve changed and getting in touch to start things up again. If they really had changed, they’d leave you alone – not just because it’s the decent thing to do, but also because they’d feel that nasty “shame twinge” and leave it in the past.
Exactly – and anyway, it sounds like a sales pitch, doesn’t it?
If you really HAVE changed, then you don’t need to talk about it to anyone, really. I certainly don’t talk about ‘how much I’ve changed’ to my friends over lunch, etc. We’re too busy solving the world’s problems or talking about our families.
So true, that what happened to me….I ALLOWED this AC to come back into my life after dumping him 9 months ago… He came and played a “Changed man” even talked about having children together!
IS he mad?! Why saying all these things if he did not mean it?! He disappeared yet again (for million time) and I feel myself used and stupid. How many times I should be hurt before I get it?!!!
Well you have to look at it like this Happy Soul: Let’s imagine that it is truly is the millionth time that someone has disappeared – that’s 999,999 times that they’re *previously* disappeared. People say things that they don’t mean. Most of us claim we’ll go to the gym, be more organised, eat less giant chocolate buttons, save money etc. What most normal people don’t do is bend over and talk out of their arse making big promises that they cannot deliver on again and again. Let’s imagine you gave them a second chance. Fine. But if someone talks shit, they’ll keep talking shit if you let them. You are trying to be the exception to the rule and believe in a very fucked up fairy tale Not So Happy Soul. And I call you that, because you must have something really major to avoid in your life if you will persist in allowing this clown to keep pissing you around. You get to define how many times you get hurt by this man. You and only you. If you keep playing the One More Chance game, you’ll go to infinity and beyond with this.
My ex tracked me down after 3 years claiming he should never of let me go. I was the one that truly loved him and he threw it all away. I asked all the right questions and assumed that he had matured. How wrong was i. He was worse than the 1st time around. He had one in the pipeline that he was keeping warm incase it didnt work out with me. An ex who had taken everything including the house and car from him a couple he was chatting to online the list was endless. We got together and needless to say his cheating true colours outted themselves pretty quickly. When i kicked him out he went straight to one of his hareem and future faked her into marrying him 4 months after i went NC… Dodged a bullet me thinks. He hadnt changed he just wanted the familiar and someone that worshiped him AKA Me! If only i had been reading this blog the 2nd time i took him back perhaps my hurt would of been less. Who knows but what i do know is that the day he comes skulking around ( and he will it may takes months or years) i will be equipped with the emotional power to tell him to eff off….
Exactly Louise – he may have got through the last time, but he’ll get the door slam if he ever tries again!
Molly,
I couldn’t agree more. That’s just it, as Natalie once said, all the baggage at Heathrow won’t stop some women. So, most guys don’t have to change. My ex is emotionally unavailable, he has some major baggage from his past that will prevent him from truly being intimate. He appeared emotionally available to me at first becasue he is very affectionate. It wasn’t until a year was approaching when I was ready for more of an emotional commitment that I realized his limits. He wouldn’t tell me he loved me, I thought he was afraid, but he actually wasn’t in love with me, he said, becasue I pointed out his stuff. Anyways, this man never will do the work and as soon as I started to take a break from him, he quickly brought in a new woman to ‘befriend’ which is how he got me. So, my point is, most of these men get away with not doing the work, they will not change for you, and the men who do want to change do it for themselves and even then they aren’t open to relationships becasue they become absorbed into their ‘changing process’ . Only after it is over and integrated are they ready for you…..and that takes a long time…10 years or more!
Hi Chloe. I think what happened with you illustrates the typical issue of a Mr Unavailable – when he reaches his limit of what he has to give, that’s it. Being affectionate is nice but in a relationship it needs to be coupled with growing intimacy. Walls don’t feel very nice. It’s not that it will take him ten years to change – it doesn’t take that long for a Fallback Girl for example change and they’re emotionally unavailable too. It’s about willingness and consistent action put together.
spot on Nat…dang you are so good…keep it rolling Lady!
I am now skeptical if an ex says this. One ex said this to me months after the breakup. He dumped me coz he wanted to be single. He said he wanted to meet for coffee. Then he arranged to meet. Guess what? The AC stood me up. He begged me to come over late at night. I said no. Because I wouldn’t drop my plans so he could get laid, he threw a tantrum like child. Then the AC called me the nutjob! WTF? I told him I’d had enough of his BS and deserved better. The next thing I go on “fakebook” and he’s got a new gifriend. WTF? So much for getting back together! I am so bloody angry. I’m a genuine person and he sabotages it. I would love to post his name here, the AC deserves it.
Fedup, if you posted his name here, which wouldn’t be published anyway, you would only legitimise him calling you a nutjob. I appreciate that you are angry but I think it would serve you well to find a way and additional support to help you work through your anger and come to terms with what has happened.
Hey Fedup, Girly, you deserve better than what he was trying to offer…a ‘one night stand’ is what it looks like from this end (ok can we say this “JERK@$$” has a lot of nerves). You deserve much better, he was trying to get only what he wanted but anyway you knew better which is why you didn’t fall for his MESS.
Oh I’m glad that you’re adopting my beliefs about ‘FAKEBOOK’ (you know like are these ppl/AC really claiming to have *a million and 1 plus friends*? ok, in what universe? cyberspace?,their so famous, yeah rite?!)
Look at what the so called new GF is gonna be dealing with, HIM/the Original AC -enough said!!
“As long as they have a revolving door of women willing to put up with them even for short periods, and as long as they are defended against examining their ego structure and their behaviors, they won’t change a thing”.
This is so very true, Molly. Since I started working on my own issues this year, I’ve been noticing how others run their lives. In the case of both my last ex and also my closest long-standing male friend, for example, there is a definite “harem” made up of friends, acquaintances, family and ex-girlfriends (and even a few same-sex friends). I’ve also noticed that a lot of these people are their “friends” on Facebook who they rarely, if ever, see or call in real life. Even when each of them has *known* that they’ve hit the bottom at certain points in their lives, neither of them has really acknowledged this and started putting in the serious hard work on themselves required to truly change. The reason? They’ve been able to do the easy thing and turn to whichever harem member is kicking their heels at the time and is willing to contribute to topping up the ego-fund. They come and go by turns, and there’s no consistency in the contact – it’s a bit like spinning many “friendship” plates and running around giving each one a little nudge every now and then to keep them going. But there are a lot of plates that are wobbling around precariously most of te time. These sorts of “friends” are mostly not true friends, and they merely feed into an illusion of “all being well” which masks the need to face up to any uncomfortable truths about one’s own emotional availability. I now realise I too have had people in my life that fall into the same category (that’s my own EU showing itself!). I don’t go on Facebook much lately, and now mostly use it as a convenient way to share photos and arrange social events (real ones, not cyber ones!) – and it’s been interesting to see which of my friends has continued to be in contact with me in other, less lazy, ways.
“They’ve been able to do the easy thing and turn to whichever harem member is kicking their heels at the time and is willing to contribute to topping up the ego-fund. ”
Love that! yes, I know some guys doing that, keeping the harem and just turning to whoever give them the most ego stroke, and when they get bored, then the next, but not too much going on in betweens. Not a minimum investment.
I think what’s important to remember is the much as Facebook is a pain in the arse, most people don’t behave in this manner Radiogirl. If someone is keeping a harem on or offline, they’re a dipstick anyway.
I learned the hard way that just because someone says they are sorry and have changed, doesn’t mean it’s true.
A guy who flirted with me at work once asked if he could come to my house for dinner and movies and asked if I could cook him something nice and choose the movies, so I said ok, cooked the dinner, got the movies and waited for him, then I finally called him at 11pm, after waiting for five hours (since 6pm) and he said something had come up. I found out he had his own dinner party that night and didn’t invite me, but still asked me to have our own dinner that night (playing with me I guess).
I then stopped taking his calls and he apologsied and said he wanted to make it up to me and we should arrange another dinner at my house the following week. I said ok thinking to give him another chance. Yet again I cooked and waited from 7pm and he didn’t turn up. I finally got a text message from him at 1AM, saying he had decided to go to a mutual female friend’s house for dinner instead. I just lay there crying.
Anyway, I learned that like Nat says when they come back saying they have changed, often they just want you to forgive them.
Lavendar,
I WON’T EVER AGAIN PREPARE DINNER AT MY HOUSE with a MAN I AM DATING. My X would tell me what he wanted me to cook… and also stand me up. Happened twice and at Christmas. I should have ended it last Christmas, but gave him yet another chance.
He didn’t change, he hurt me more in different ways. I finally got strong enough for No Contact and still struggle, but… tonight am going dancing & have arranged a 3-day weekend & have planned some FUN for myself. Day-by-Day
Go Angel…oh Ladies and Gentlemen: Treating yourself with kindness and learning from your mistakes and not letting the negative change your awesome selves into bitter selves can be a challenge but it is the only way to live a good and happy life…life is so short…don’t let the bad keep you down…learn…but don’t let it take your light…sometimes we don’t get what we need for quite awhile but once we do it is so worth all that we went through beforehand…I know this much, preserving my life and avoiding sexual diseases has become extremely important…if your partner or one you are seeing in any form is seeing others then you are vulnerable…OMG that is so frightening…saliva carries lovely things and it only takes a bit of blood to infect you with others…sharing someone is giving them the ability to change your life in ways that can literally kill…take care of yourselves…love em in your heart but guard your body! IDK why I failed to really look at the fact that the man I’d been seeing was exposing me to all of the women he was “seeing” and I have only recently realised how much danger I was exposing my self to by interacting with him without having a commitment…no more. STD fear is a true wake-up call. I want the whole enchilada for emotional, physical, and spirititual reasons…take care out there!
Well said Leisha. It is like playing Russian Roulette with our health to remain with these shady shagging around folk. Herpes, HIV, the clap, infertility, chlamydia – we’ve got to stop believing that these things won’t happen to us. These people aren’t worth it. Some of them are even cruel enough to know they have these things, to pass them around, and then you feel strapped to them because you believe you have no other options.
Lavender, sweet Jesus did you dodge a bullet on this one! I’m so glad that you’re not shedding another tear over this clown. My ex pulled something similar where he said he was coming to visit me (we live about an hour apart). As it turned out, he had no intention of ever coming. In fact, he had a flight booked for a business trip before making plans with me and, with the timing of it, there was no way he could have come to visit.
These are the people that make you say, “Whyyyyyyy did you even bother making plans?!” These are also the people that are so screwed up/busy being jackasses that the chances of them making meaningful change are Victoria Beckham Slim. So glad you flushed this guy!!
Natasha, Never regret giving love just don’t give anymore when they are dissing yu and your beautiful and loving heart…lessons learned, aye girlfriend? I am a painter and sculptor…was trying to be “practical” with nursing…whoa! However, I am more introverted…was trained as an educator…life full of learning…guess that’s MY path…love ya!
@Lavender:
I agree with Angelface! DO NOT COOK 4HIM EVER AGAIN&DO NOT WELCOME HIM n2 your HOME/SPACE (if things do not work out, you will have bad memories of AC behavior@ ur HOME,you do not want that)! I would choose to dine out at PUBLIC restaurants or I’d eat before I’d go on a date! Based on what you’ve reported, he doesn’t deserve your cooking,-not even a TV dinner, ok!
Yeah, memories in one’s refuge should be positive…I recently watched “For Colored Girls…When the Rainbow isn’t Enough” or something similar in title…one femme raped in her home and she had trusted and let him in after he had invited himself for dinner “to save him money” after one date which he paid for… (was using “tricks” on her to get there in the first place)In the beginning she had stated she wasn’t ready for dating and caved to his BS and he sure acted like a nice guy and interested in HER (however she dropped her guard too fast)…you are vulnerable when alone with someone so please be very careful when you invite anyone in when no-one else is around. The film is excellent although painful…I related to so much of it that I have not been able to view it twice.
I would also like to recommend self-defense training…I will soon be attending a free course by our local police. I have taken aikido and a few other types of martial arts…nothing I mastered but I sure learned a lot and I will tell you that if I don’t have any traditional weapon I sure as hell know to grab whatever is handy and to fight as dirty as needed…too many of these asses who rape expect little in the way of proper defense from their targets…just a thought ladies and gents! Being confident of your abilities in multiple ways plus information are all tools we can possess to take care of ourselves!
Lavender, as you have already learned, never give someone who stands you up or disappears, the steam off your pee or the time of day. You let the dipsticks have a chance to ‘make it up to you’ and you give them the green light to reject you again. They know you shouldn’t be giving them the time of day either. You don’t need the reason, their apologies, nothing. This behaviour is discourteous and should only be met with silence. There is no fairy tale that starts with some twat standing you up. It’s not like you want to sit there and say to people when they ask how you met “Oh he effed me over a few times and stood me up repeatedly but he eventually came to heel.”
There is no fairy tale that starts with some twat standing you up. It’s not like you want to sit there and say to people when they ask how you met “Oh he effed me over a few times and stood me up repeatedly but he eventually came to heel.”
Too funny and too true! I can remember one of my ex’s friends asking how we’d met (they had no idea who I was *ahem*) and I was like, “Ummm, errrr, we both used to live in the same city…” What could I say, “Well, we had this adorable cycle where he’d act like an ass, I’d stomp off, he’d come back and then disappear again. Basically, he’s been using me for sex and an ego boost for five years.”?
Honestly, I can’t imagine having sweet little grandchildren saying, “Nana Natasha, how did you and Grandpa meet?”, handing them a Werther’s Original and recounting that sad tale. They’d probably be all, “Nana Natasha, why didn’t you have your sh*t together?”
Soooo TRUE!! I wouldn’t want those BAD memories haunting me for dear life either Natasha. Lavender as one of the ladies told me, “Just cut your LOSSES now, start working on you & begin the healing process…”
We all know that you would really rather ‘choke him’ but it’s not worth it & that’s not the person you want to be…but Girl, I know how you feel bcuz I would be pissed off all over again for believing a jack- AC, 4sure!
Thank you Natalie! This will help me stay strong. Being stood up and blown off was the last straw for me and an escalation of the disrespect from covert to so overt I couldn’t rationalize having him in my life any longer. In 6 years he had never done this and he did it a week after we had a great date after a break and I thought he wanted to put some effort into finding a way to enjoy being together again. I just regret foolishly sending texts explaining to him why I was so upset before I went NC when he clearly didn’t deserve the steam off my pee. The bottom line is if a man wants to be with you, he will be with you and if he doesn’t, you shouldn’t be an option for another minute. End of!
AS usual Natalie, you said very wise words…just a shame that I still cant get it :-((( after 3 years of reading your wonderful posts!!!
Lav,
twice – at his request! – you buy the dinner, cook him the dinner and pay for getting the movie in for after the dinner you cooked and twice he doesn’t bother his arse to show up cos – he had his own dinner party instead! Jesus!… I don’t think I ever heard anything so blatantly ignorant in my life. It’s not even ignorant – it’s cruel – and deliberately cruel. Never, ever again make dinner twice for a guy who didn’t show up the first time – in fact let the next guy take you out for dinner! I hope you are never giving this creep the time of day ever again; he needs a boot up the arse.
The guy is full on Mr. Gall…inviting himself like you are his personal restaurant and not even bothering to cancel his own reservation…stingy, rude, horrid…Lavender, you are running into some very selfish cruel men…take care honey!
Lavender,
Please do not offer to cook for a man until he has taken you on several dates. I also think it also sends a message that there will be sex when you offer up your home.
These guys should be courting you, they should not be expecting you to do all the work. It sends a message that you do not deserve much.
Hell, I barely cook for myself anymore.
If a guy wants to eat over at my place, he will either have to bring the takeout over or cook it himself. Because I’m not doing it. 🙂
I never did the “wifey” stuff for guys I dated mostly because I don’t like to cook anyway so I was never very good at anything more elaborate than a chicken breast and some steamed broccoli.
The majority of guys don’t give 2 sh***ts whether you can even boil water, so don’t waste your time pulling out all the stops and trying to play wife to your fantasy “husband.” Not only will it not work, but it will probably exhaust you and leave you feeling like you “deserve” something back from him.
Who cares if you eat out all time? Who cares if your house isn’t spotless? Don’t waste your time trying to please anybody else, especially some guy you are dating. They are the last ones you should be trying to impress.
Thank you everyone for your comments, they really help. You know, it’s only since I came to this site and started reading every day that I realise the truth of some of the people I have been involved with. I am only just realising each experience for what it is now and I’m embarrassed that I didn’t know it at the time. I have so many of these stories that I am only now realising them for what they were. I am learning and really growing here. Thank you.
The second time this guy stood me up, he apologised again and said we should have coffee to make up for it. I then said no and finally after much compelling I said yes and we met that afternoon at a coffee shop, but he brought his guy friend (couldn’t believe it) and then said they forgot their money, so I paid for all our coffees. I am so stupid. =( Then he had another dinner party a few weeks later and invited me to make up for the original two times he bailed, but he asked me to buy all the things for the dinner party for his guests and then never offered to pay for any of them. What I worry about is that in retrospect I realise people take advantage of me, but at the time I don’t realise it.
@AngelFace – you poor thing, I know what you mean. You go to such an effort and then feel completely worthless afterwards.
@Leisha – I like how you said “don’t let it take your light” – I completely agree. I definitely won’t give him another chance. He is just an acquaintance now. I guess I run into these men continually cause I have a bad relationship with my father/bad childhood – usual story.
@Natasha – You’re so funny. I did dodgy a bullet. I think this guy was the same as your ex – I don’t think he ever intended coming either. Also I laughed so much at your werther’s original story.
@Chi-girl123 – I completely agree. This was a while ago, so luckily he’s just an acquaintance now. I definitely don’t want bad AC memories in my home. When he said we should have dinner, I said we should eat in a restaurant and he said that no, people we know would see us and gossip and I thought ok and he said why don’t you cook, so I agreed. I think you’re right about just cutting my losses and working on me.
@Nat – You are always right. I am learning continually from this site. In the past I have had quite a few guys stand me up or disappear, so I don’t know what that says about me. After they do it I just accept them back and apologise for whatever I did. I laughed with your fairytale. That is so true.
Lavender, in that coffee shop situation, he put you in a verrrrrrry awkward position! Honestly, I think I would have paid too. As far as the dinner party goes – well, he’s an asshole. I have had a serious problem acknowledging when I’m being taken advantage of too, so I totally get how you feel! I think you just have to listen to yourself and realize that it’s okay to say no. Don’t fear the “NO.” sister!
@Lavender& all ladies:
Omg!, Ladies, I agree with you all bcuz an AC put me in a situation like that b4(guess, he didn’t have any C@$H) so I was like WTF no he didn’t do this to me & out of embarrassment of even being in the presence of those fools, I choose to pay to prevent from ‘cursing him out’ in front of his friend *so pissed off*. But it looks like these AC’s ALL KNOW EACH OTHER/ took the same AC courses (I was like his BROKE@$$ can’t even pay for our Hot Cocoa- Well D@MN!!-in my GucciManeVoice) I was thinking… “What would my Brother think about this clown?” He would have been like, “uhn uh, HELL NAWL lil SIS!!”). At that moment, I was thinking, “this sh!t will NOT happen 2me again, I’ll make sure of it!”
—-
The LESSON here is don’t let it happen again, decide what you will do if another AC/person tries to put you in an uncomfortable situation to pay (bcuz it wasn’t clear who would pay??)such as this one? What will you choose next time?
““What would my Brother think about this clown?” He would have been like, “uhn uh, HELL NAWL lil SIS!!”).”
I’ve often thought this too. My brother would be appalled and wouldn’t find out anyway, because I would be too embarrassed to say anything.
For real: “Don’t fear the NO”…in any fashion…Natasha I love your words…
@Leisha& Natasha& Lavender:
I agree, we have to practice saying ‘NO’ on a daily basis just to stay prepared for whatever or whomever!
Lav,
he tries to make up for two meals he asks you cook that he doesn’t show up for with a coffee (!!) which you also end up paying for because he and the pal he brought along with him “forgot to bring any money”? Yeah sure – and my uncle’s a monkey! He was taking the piss out of you and he brought his pal along for the laugh. That’s what it looks like to me – cos I can’t think of anything else it could be. Natasha is so right. Lavender – you need to learn a new word: NO.
@Fearless – Yeah it was bad, not bad like other guys I’ve been with who were abusive, but bad as in discourteous and lacking respect for me. When I read what you say about having a guy take me out to dinner, it feels almost wrong, because it’s special. Despite the relationships I have had, I think I’ve only been taken out to dinner once, as a teenager almost twelve years ago and just to a neighbourhood paper cloth type situation and it was the only time this has happened to me. Ever since it’s been take away or me cooking. For some reason I feel like I couldn’t possibly expect that nice kind of treatment.
@Allison – I definitely won’t. I didn’t realise that eating at my house suggested something sexual, eeek!! I definitely didn’t mean that when I agreed to it. I will know better next time.
Lavender,
If someone stands you up. please do not ever give them another chance. Once time is enough.
Please cut this clown off for good!
Lavendar,
What an AC! In the future take it as a red flag if a man wants YOU to cook him dinner, rent a movie, etc at your place for a first date. I’m saying this though I know it’s hard if you really like a guy things can get cloudy, I too had a EUM/AC. I let him to do a number on my emotions :p But we have to be strong, esp now we know better. Protect ourselves.
What a jerk. He should have been trying to impress and court you, take you out somewhere nice. Not asking you to serve him, which is basically what cooking and entertaining is. If you had volunteered that would be one thing, or if you had been in the relationship for awhile and he had cooked for you before. And then that he would be such a jerk to stand you up not once which is bad enough but twice!! So cruel. It’s like he said all that just to hear if you’d followed thru, to get an ego stroke. And then to “make it up to you” the way he did, making you feel awkward due to the arrangements of the meetings, asking and expecting you to pay for a bunch of things for his party…He is sick. He is a user. HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO GET THE TIME OF DAY FROM YOU.
Forgive him but DO NOT welcome him back into your life. Good for you for downgrading him to an acquaintance. Too bad you can’t completely go NC since you work at the same place. My formerEUM/ AC is at work too. I ignore him as much as possible and I recommend you do the same. He does not deserve you. You will find better, MUCH better. Sending positive energy your way.
Nat,
I have been reading your blog for a while now but only recently (after 20 months with an EUM) have I been able to truly close that door. I told him I had had enough of being jerked around as he boomeranged back and forth, THINKING he was ready to be in a relationship properly. I was so stressed out and had lost so much respect for myself that I finally got to the point (rock bottom I guess) that I told him I never want to see him or hear from him again, and have a nice life. If history is any indication, he might try again, but as I move on, I will remember and re-read this article to remind myself that nothing will change, coz I know nothing will. And quite honestly, I don’t care anymore. Why go through the hassle of “monitoring” for changes from someone not trustworthy? I’d rather be single.
Thank you again.
“Why go through the hassle of “monitoring” for changes from someone not trustworthy? I’d rather be single.”
Exactly what I was thinking! For me it’d be like constantly examining the boomerang to see if it turned into a stick yet. What’s the hourly rate?
Hi Poppiesandtulips. The difficulty in being jerked around for that period of time is that it effs with your self-esteem. You can never feel like you’re on solid ground with them and you’d have to have them be consistently different for the same period of time and then some, to truly have any confidence that they’d change, and to be honest why the hell would you bother? Never be with someone that has you losing respect for yourself – not worth it.
I am in limbo.
I have been in a shitty relationship for so long I cannot remember. I got with him when I was 23, im now 26. He is 32.
We have broken up over 50 times, all him, switching like the weather. Saying im not the one, that him his soulmate. That he loves me so much, that he isnt happy and doesnt want to be with me. He is a walking contradiction. Yet, I still, to this day put up with it.
Looking back, the things he has done are unbelievable. He has put me down throughout the relationship, about my weight, my looks, how I dress, the way I wear my make up. The way I talk. He has called me black and blue, and been beyond verbally abusive. I am very attractive, outgoing, slim, creative, friendly, kind and loving. My confidence has grown a lot in the past year, im not as weak or submissive as I used to be, yet I still find myself THERE. He has bit me, slapped me, kicked me, cheated, lied. He says that he is only like this with me, and that he is kind and loving I just dont know how to deal with him. That if I didnt wind him up so much he wouldnt behave like he does. That everything is my fault. Whenever I do even the slightest thing wrong, he punishes me with the silent treatment for days or splits up with me, and then a week later returns like a boomerang with his profession of love. He says there is nothing wrong with him and that its me that makes him like that, which in turn makes me feel so insecure.
Yet he kicked me and shoved me to the floor the other week, and bought me flowers and I was just expected to forgive and forget. Yet if I do something like not load the dishwasher, I get spoken to like a child and made to feel like crap. He can be as nice as nice, yet it is still son one sided and he constantly only cares about his own feelings and happiness. Every promise is unkept. Every word is taken back and I am so unhappy. I have normalised bad behaviour to the point that I dont know what it feels like to be loved anymore. My friends and family do not think he is good enough and say he will never change. I have the conversation over and over in my head about splitting up with him, yet I just cannot do it!! I dont know why I keep myself stuck, getting blamed, suffering hot and cold, jekyll and hyde behaviour. Ive given up thinking that he is nice he just needs bringing out of his shell. I know that this is…
Cherry,
You are not in limbo. You are in real, physical, actual danger from this man.
Make a plan and GET OUT. NOW.
This sounds awful. I’m so sorry. 🙁
Ultimately, only you can decide that you value yourself enough, your emotional AND physical health enough, to walk away. This low self-esteem is such a horrible cycle to be in and we have all been there at varying degrees, so I know it’s not easy to just “up and leave.”
A good way to attack a project in our lives is to break it down into its component parts. We do this for work projects, home projects, school projects – anything that can be overwhelming when we think about the totality of something.
Maybe you can start taking “baby steps” to prepare yourself for a breakup. Just from what you’ve written here, I would say the first step is making sure you have enough $$ squirreled away to leave when you are ready. Enough $$ is enough to rent a room somewhere else, get a small studio apartment, give $$ to a friend to let you live with them – whatever decision you make about other living arrangements, start getting a little nest egg together for it.
Another step is to start working on ignoring him. Any man who puts a woman down has huge emotional problems and it’s not about YOU. I went through this process when dealing with my dysfunctional family/narcissistic abusive sister. My therapist told me that during family gatherings, I was to imagine myself wearing a “protective spacesuit” that protected me from their abusive comments and backhanded insults. Just shine it on, ignore it, smile, change the conversation – do anything that deflected and ignored the offending remarks. (My spacesuit, of course, was a gorgeous sexy hot pink with a hood! As I imagined it. 🙂 It actually started working for me. The point of course is to change your own thinking about the situation, change your cognitive rewiring, and it started working.
I got to the point where I mustered up the courage to turn down offers to eat dinner at my sister’s house. That was a huge deal to me. And it was for my own self-protection.
Another thing you might want to have is a buddy somewhere you can text when things get bad. They don’t have to respond – you just need to be able to send a text, which helps you make a connection with a loving person outside of your home. I also did this – I would text my best friend and say “I’m here and I’m going in” when I arrived at my sister’s house because I had knots in my stomach getting…
@Cherry – get out sweetie – he is an abuser. His abuse will only get worse – and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! He is and will be like this with every woman!! I did this in my 20’s and the guy has not changed 25 yrs later – he tried to contact me last year – he is still with the last girl he cheated on me with and she and I have talked in the past – she got/gets it worst than I did.
You can do this – rally your friends and family around you – please – for your sake – get out. Sending you lots of love and belssings!!!
Cherry, I have periodically wondered what you’ve been up to. It saddens me that you are still in this awful situation – you keep pressing the Reset Button and Future Faking yourself. This man is an asshole of the highest order. If emptying the dishwasher can cause problems, I should truly be f*cked by now… No normal person behaves as he does – abusive people do. Don’t think that he’s not going to go *that* far. I’ve warned you before that I know of women who’ve ended up dead at the hands of these clowns. Don’t let the first time you take what I or others say seriously or the first time you see his criminal behaviour for what it is, be when it’s literally too late. He’s not that special – he’s just a criminal that hasn’t been arrested and locked up. You cannot and will not change this abusive man. I remember when he wrote you poems and made you major promises only to bite and kick you… You’re 26 years old. Why on earth would you throw your life away? You’re not in limbo – you’re in denial and taking a dangerous ride on the hamster wheel that is your dead end relationship with this man. You are not the first person or thing he’s abused. He’s like a cretin that injures an animal, strokes it and offers it food only to then torture it again. Stop trusting this prick.
Spot on Natalie!
Hi Cherry,
He kicked you and bit you. If someone at work did this to you, they could be arrested. Now someone is doing that to you, and only getting away with it because you have enough self-doubt to believe him when he makes it ‘your fault.’ Your situation is not unique. I used to work at an organization that helped women leave abusers; all these men do the same thing. Listen to Natalie and hear that you are in real physical danger – for your life – if you don’t get out. Only the other day, a graduate student in her twenties at our university had her EYES gouged out by her husband, in front of her daughter. Seriously. She’s blind for life. You think she ever expected it would get that bad?
Also, when my relative hit me recently, for something “I did”, she could not believe it when I said I would not stay in her house after that. She called me unforgiving, she started talking about her problems, etc. It was hard to break away from her, and that’s a woman I’m NOT sleeping with. I just kept telling myself: she hit me! She raised a hand to me. I’m an adult. She raised a hand to me and I don’t accept that. She tried to make me feel every shade of guilty and “overreactive.”
Keep focused on the fact that he has physically assaulted you and start the ball rolling to cut him off completely.
Mag, what a shocking story about the girl at your university – my chin hit the floor reading that. I hope this animal is now locked up! And that’s the point here, Cherry, that Nat makes very well – this man is assaulting you, which is against the law! If he did this to a stranger on the street he’d be arrested and charged! He’s doing it to you because he can – with impunity!
Horrendous Magnolia, just horrendous. That poor woman. It takes my breath away to read that. Oh and you were 100% correct to back away from your aunt – she’s just not used to it, but that’s not your problem. You’re a grown woman – she can’t be laying her hands on you and expecting you to put up with it!
Yes, her story made international news and the university did a lot to publicize her story and drum up support. She was “lucky” to have been a Fulbright scholar and had a network of people here who knew her professionally and she had some media smarts so she went to the media immediately. In some ways people have been able to think it’s about a different culture (this happened in Bangladesh when she went home), but really – it’s not.
I think it’s important to remember that if he had “just” punched her, it would have never made the news. And if our boyfriends punch (or verbally punch) us, no one is going to hold a press conference. Now that the media furor has died down, she is really struggling to come to terms with what she has lost:
“As for the case against her husband, who has yet to be sentenced in Bangladesh, M_____ said she is focusing on her recovery, not on him.
“How can he be punished properly? His life hasn’t changed. I have lost my sight.”
To other women who may be in abusive relationships, she cautions, “Plan ahead, and plan to get out of that relationship. If I had been able to get out of that relationship, I would not be here like this today.”
This sounds like Domestic Violence… GET OUT!!!
Cherry
I feel fearful and anxious just reading about this man.
You say that you just don’t know how to deal with him (no-one would know how to deal “with” him)
Here’s the ONLY way to “deal with him”: DON’T!
When you’ve got your head in the lion’s mouth you don’t try to “deal” with the lion – you turn and RUN for your life. Seriously, for your life. Please get some help Cherry.
@Cherry:
Plan to GET O.U.T of this dangerous CYCLE! Choose YOUR LIFE & plan to EXIT IMMEDIATELY!! Pray for STRENGTH & WISDOM…GOD would not TREAT YOU this way so DO NOT LET ANYONE(dis FlAkY aCtiNg GuY) TREAT YOU any LESS than how GOD would TREAT YOU!(another way2 look at your abusive situation)!
Here is a good comparison: AC/ EUMs are like a roulette ball. They keep bouncing on the wheel (woman to woman) until the wheel keeps spinning. Ohhhh, lucky number! You get him, you win.
(they don’t change. They settle down with the last woman when their time is running out or they have something to gain/steal, or are losing everything.
That is very true.I have said something similar in the past.
All the harem wake up to who he really is and he realizes he can’t do it anymore so he settles for the one who will still have him.
I feel sorry for her.
Amen AngelFace. It’s best for us to leave the gambling mentality in the past and avoid the Unavailable Casino. We’ve got to stop playing.
I know what you mean about their persistence being scary. I think after the fog has lifted and you’ve managed to pull away from them and create some distance, you can finally see that they really are quite disgusting. When they show up with flowers, cards, etc., it just seems like they’re stalking at that point. Showing up at your house is just downright creepy.
I have had a couple loser exes claiming to have changed a week or two after I give them the boot, but never really after that. It seems like they’ll give up after a short while if they are being consistently ignored. Even for screwed-up individuals, being scolded and nagged probably becomes tiresome. I was a complainer, pointing out what they were doing to screw up their own life and mine, but I didn’t leave. So, what kind of message was that sending to them?
I’m so glad I’m older and wiser now (and finally living in reality) …
We also have to ask ourselves Michelle – how the hell could someone have changed after a week? It just doesn’t even sound credible.
Lovely. I have changed. And I am able to tell you exactly how and why. And long before I did, I knew that I wanted to change, but I hadn´t been able to identify how, or what, and perhaps not even why. And wanting to change is good, but it doesn´t equal having done it, or even that they´re going to.
Brilliantly put Em. Amen.
YES!!! This truth will set us all free!! Listen and learn, my sweet friends…let us trust them when they have truly earned it. Trust takes much time to build when we see the reality of their behaviors. Use your God-given intuition to discern authentic and honorable intentions in others.
Yes Heidi – if we are keeping it real, we see and hear things as they are and can have a far better quality of life because we don’t get caught out by our own BS.
all the references to facebook make me wonder about that recent ‘study’ indicating that the more FB friends a person has the more developed are the social skills areas of their brains. Clearly they deducted the EUMs and ACs from the final study results or their theory would go into the toilet.
FLUSH!
F ! FAKEBOOK! —-FLUSH AGAIN!!
Its more like the more facebook friends you have the lonlier you are in real life with no REAL person to turn to in your times of trouble. Give me five good people who will stand at my side and the 568 people who I have not seen for years and haven’t even spoken to (even on arsebook) they can go kiss my ass! Get real people facebook is not real life, its a website exploiting your conversations for marketing purposes. I actually got an e.mail today from a man I don;t even know sdaying how he would like to get to know me better. WTF is that about. No idea!
@Bee:
I agree…IT IS NOT REAL…it’s just a way 4 ppl/gov’t 2 SPY n2 your personal LIFE, lol :)…again, F! FAKEBOOK! FLU-U-U-USH!, (the 3 F’s).
My real FRIENDS have my cellph#& can call me anytime, who needs ‘fake’ spies as friends anyway?, lol :).
Most of those studies are a crock and when they’re pitched to the media, they have a ‘spin’ on them too. We have to think about it logically – if someone has 1000 friends on Facebook, how many of those can truly be friends? ‘Social’ is also subjective.
My ex has been trying to contact me steadily for the past two years and now that I am totally over him I did reply to his email. He wanted to chat on Skype so I agreed.
He was obviously hurting and not over our relationship and he did apologise of how he treated me. He also claimed that he has grown mentally and is a changed man. I almost felt sorry for him! Then I did invite him over (We live in different countries) on the condition that we don´t have any physical contact. He was overwhelmed! What do you mean no physical contact? Quess did he come over? -No.
End of the day, he chose to treat me badly and he chose to drink and chase other women. He broke my heart in million pieces. I am definately NOT going let him back into my life so he can feel better about himself.
What comes around goes around 😉
Maria,
it’s telling that when he realised there was going to be no sex in his visit, he wasn’t interested! You are well rid!
Maria, maybe he should have addressed the chasing other women if he was so despondent about losing you?! You are so well rid of this guy. It’s amazing how many assclowns are walking around with their sad The One Who Got Away Tales and, when we actually hear the real story from the ex…it turns out the guy ruined the relationship with womanizing/other assorted douchery. Good thing that you put it right out there that there would be no sex – good Lord did he show his ass when he bailed! What a loser.
Hi Maria, I don’t think it’s flattering when someone tries to contact you for two years after they treated you poorly and you cut them off. It’s like the ending has to be on his terms and he has to badger you into believing his side of things. Doesn’t this man have any pride? Of course he hasn’t changed – the contacting you for two years proved that because if he was truly better, he’d be off *living* better. We also have to ask ourselves, “Why, when our exes get in touch after treating us badly and then claim that they’ve changed, can’t we just say ‘OK thanks for letting me know and take care’?” I mean seriously, if someone doesn’t have an agenda and is genuinely contrite, that should be more than enough.
Hi NML,
This week I had a HUGE epiphony. It was related to a work situation, but what came out with my councellor so much more than that.
The last 2-3 years have been a hugely significant journey. Its unbelievable.
I feel like I’ve finally kicked out that mind squatter, the imature, confused, fickle, fleeting, low self esteem, lazy, not much confidence, no backbone, follow through, GAVE UP SO EASILY it goes on…….person who was just so used to covering up and carrying on.
I’ve had quite a few insights prior to this, but this one has given a huge leap of change!
Now, I’ve been dating a guy for 3 weeks. Been trying to keep away from the guys, but he seemed cool. He has followed through, been respectful, taken the lead (yes!), been open and not rushed. If I ask him to call me he’ll call me…..basic stuff really. We had a conversation about his past and he seemed a little awkward talking about how he used to live to excess (drugs). But still discussed it with me. He said hes been without alcohol or drugs for three years. He says he changed from how he was before.
He was very concerned about my opinion of him abotu this.
My reply was: I take people as I find them and by their actions.
What I am saying to myself is, if he starts to fluff up or show me that he still has those issues (whatever they were) then we will see what happens. They code be code amber or code red. In which case he’ll be gone out of my life. But my BS sense is so high right now and my ability take my time and absorb has elevated. SO far I see no cause for concern.
I feel like I’ve changed. Whether or not i share my new found change with someone is irrelevant. I feel it and its good. Bring on more change! the journeys only just began…..
NK, I think you and only you can truly judge whether you’re ready to date and you also have to make decisions and live by your experiences. That said, I’m surprised to hear that you’re dating. I had to pinch myself – it’s not too long ago that you were having all that drama. It’s good you’ve kicked the squatter out – but don’t invite in a new lodger. Do continue to take your time. It’s good that he’s kicked the drugs and alcohol.
“In theory you’d like to believe you’d be happy when your ex ‘comes crawling back’ after treating you badly and he was ticking boxes with flowers, apologies and engagement references, but I just couldn’t muster up happiness.”
Yeah that would be nice – but it just brings out all the anxiety and rememberance of all thier shaddy crap. Funny, when my AC tried in Jul/Aug this year – he proclaimed “I am still the same man( an proud of it)!! And you loved me just the way I am.” Of course I said I did – until I realized you were full of secrets and deceit. Here’s the kicker!!
“I miss you, love you, I effed up – let’s build a house (more future faking), etc” So I confronted and said “Did you mean what you said the other day?” His reply ” Yes, but we can’t date, cause he is afraid he might hurt me again after the women he’s dated this last year that we were broken up – he might take it out on me” LMAO – This is the guy telling me I am a goddess, loves me, and effed up – but can’t date me – one contradiction after another.
NC is the ONLY way to go. I know personally that change is hard and can take a long time – and I WANTED it, WELCOMED it.
FLUSH!!!
what an asshole! He can’t date you because he might hurt you but he loves you..whoa horse heading for confusion city, dismount and walk back to reality villiage!
Jeez Aimee, your ex is a serious douche. “he is afraid he might hurt me again after the women he’s dated this last year that we were broken up – he might take it out on me” What he meant is that he still had plans to be an assclown. Flush indeed!
How about when he wants us to go to therapy and work things out. We’ve on and off for 4 years. He is the one that comes back stating he really lovrs me but then, he looses it for me after a couple of months. Should I go to therapy with him or is it just more wasted time. Your input will be aprecciated.
Gigi,
people can act like asses, they may well be asses but sometimes with committment people do change. If you love this man and think he is worth your time then relationship therapy may help not him but YOU. The goal of relationship therapy is NOT to keep you together, it maybe e that at the end of it you realise with even more clarity that things are not right between you and YOU decide to close it. If he is commited , makes the appointments and attends with you, you never know he may be able to heal himself and you may be able to do the same making it a healthy relationship for both of you OR you may both gain good closure and head off to better pastures.
You don’t get to know till you do it.
Good luck either way, whatever you choose after therapy, you gain!
good advice
I agree. Either way, it’ll remove the “what if… ?” doubts you still have. If you haven’t managed to convince yourself he wasn’t worth trying yet I say : give it a go. Give yourself that last try if you need it. If he’s not willing to change, the therapist and you will spot it quickly enough, and you won’t waste the upcoming months/years wondering if you have made the right decision in cutting your losses with him now.
Plus, if you have issues of your own (because women hanging around for EUM usually have those) maybe seeing a therapist, whatever the focus of the therapy, will help you out and give you the insensitive to focus on your problems. It might take away the initial awkwardness of seeking professional help, and show you which aspects of your life need to be worked on to get happy.
More wasted time. Bail.
Just because someone goes to therapy doesn’t mean they plan to change. When I was my ex AC’s OW and his wife found out about us, he went to months of therapy with her and “graduated” all while seeing me pretty much 7 days a week often more than once a day . I wasn’t particularly interested in him leaving his wife at the time as long as he was supporting me and treating me like a queen. By going to therapy, he was just trying to preserve the status quo that suited him since he had young children at home and the respectability of a life with his HS sweetheart wife. When she found out he was still seeing me after all that, she finally divorced him. As I mentioned elsewhere on BR, he had a full on gf when he got married and usually had something on the side so I don’t feel like a home wrecker. Maybe a fool, though, after I re-read this testament to what a great catch he was. LOL
Yeah he’s no catch FX, just an asshole that keeps getting a lot of play.
So true. For over a year, my then-husband and I went to couple counseling, individual counseling, and even self-help groups. I was reluctant to trust him, because I still felt like something was “off”, even though I could not put my finger on it. Our couples counselor kept urging me to just put both feet back in, and the trust would come. I felt like I needed to be cautious. I then found out that he had been continuing to cheat the ENTIRE time we were in therapy. He just knew what to say to make eveyone believe he was changing. I mean, anyone can be deceptive for an hour a week, sitting in a therapist’s office, so how was the therapist ever supposed to spot it?
I think therapy can be a wonderful tool to work on our own issues, but we must learn to trust ourselves and our intuition when it comes to making judgments in our relationships.
Hi Gigi, on and off for 4 years is a long time. I think you both have to ask yourselves what is different this time. Does he understand why he bails after a couple of months? If he was told he had to go twice a week to therapy for several months would he do it? If you had moved on, would he be going to therapy *anyway*? This is a good litmus test because this should be something he’s going to do with or without you. Ultimately, it’s actually more about you. Why are you going back to the relationship again? Why are you going to therapy? What have you seen in these 4 years that makes you think that you should go back again? Would trying again have you avoiding dealing with your own life? Do you recognise that it would be therapy for you *too*? You have issues too – there’s a reason why he’s been able to behave as he has and you’re still receptive, so that will have to be addressed in therapy too. If you go into this thinking that’s it’s only him that needs therapy, you will be hobbling this process before it’s begun. Therapy is either going to address your individual issues and how they affect the relationship over a period of time, and allow you to move forward, it’s going to cement the reason why you kept breaking up and it’s not going to work anyway.
gigi
have you EVER had a good relationship, or has it been on and off the entire time? how much on and off has there been compared to good relationship? I can imagine that a good relationship that’s gone haywire because of external pressures could benefit from therapy. But I’m sceptical it can magic a good relationship from something that’s always been a bit crap.
The problem is that if you both go to therapy and there IS change, neither of you will want the other because … you’ll have changed. It’s like having a dead end job and deciding to get yourself some training and new skills You don’t want that job anymore. It no longer works for you.
Individual therapy for YOU may be helpful though. Four years is a long time to be jerked around and by now you probably don’t know which way is up.
I can echo the other comments – all the time the MM of many moons ago was seeing a marriage guidance counsellor with his wife, he was also seeing me. Just because they’re making a gesture to keep you on side, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re actually changing.
The thing is that if even if they change, they might not change with you.
I had a horrible experience the week before last, the father of my child came round (our son is nearly one) and told me that whilst I was eight months pregnant and after I’d actually moved out of my house and in with a relative to get away from him and his 2am visits, he’d attempted suicide and spent a week in hospital.
I supported him as much as I could during the pregnancy, but on the grounds that he’d only ever even talk to me when he was drunk and it was the middle of the night, and that it was making me ill, I eventually bailed because I was starting to worry that I was heading for some sort of breakdown.
This suicide attempt was, he says, the turning point in his life and he decided to start living his life in a way that he could respect and met his current gf three months later.
He seems to be good to the girlfriend and he is a good father, but guess when he came round to confess all of this? Corrrrreccct… at 3:30am after a good night out with his mates and then endlessly ringing, bullying and cajoling me until I let him in, regardless of the fact that the baby wakes me up at 6am whether I’ve been up all night or not.
So even if he has changed (and he seems to have done), what of it? I’m still apparently not important enough to spend any ‘proper’ time with, I didn’t deserve to be told about his suicide attempt until a year afterwards (despite all the emotional support that I’d given to him during my pregnancy, and my confusion and hurt at being moreorless frozen out after he met his girlfriend). And even then I think that he told me just to dispel the guilt that I aroused when I’d told him the day before – honestly but possibly ill-advisedly – that I still couldn’t stomach the idea of being with ANYONE ever again.
Even though I gave up on the idea of us being together – ooo… sometime back in 2009, I always hoped that we could build a mutually supportive and friendly co-parenting relationship for the sake of our son. Since the latest installment, though, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re locked into a dynamic so foul that the only way to escape it is for me to cut down all interaction with him to an absolute impersonal minimum. As long as he’s around me he’ll treat me like that, it’s a habit.
And apprently – and much to my shame – I’ll will let him in and listen to him when he does. Ugh, still beating myself up about that one. But after the absolute awfulness of listening to it all, being in tears, watching him in tears, hearing all about the amazing connection that he has with his gf (who’s had previous experience of suicidal boyfriends, that’s their connection) and being surrepticiously groped by him AND THEN having to look after the baby and process it all on 2 hours sleep, I don’t think that I shall be doing so again…
hi yoghurt,
I’m so sorry to read that you went through this- sounds horrible!
I always look forward to reading your comments- you sound like you’ve come so far and are really working on doing what is best for you and your son.
Your ex sounds like damaged goods who hasn’t changed at all, or at least not where it really counts. I know you can’t kick him to the curb because you’re co-parenting, but he hasn’t shown respect for your boundaries and doesn’t deserve your compassion or friendship! Freeze him out, and let both him and his girlfriend know that there will be no more visits after 6 p.m… or whatever time works for you!
Aw, thank you – what a nice thing to say 🙂 and it means a lot, I always seem to vent a lot and then worry that I come across as whiny and deluded.
I’d like to say that I’ve been motivated by human decency and kindness in my Quest To Support Him In Being A Father, but I’m starting to wonder if it hasn’t been more of an attempt to stay in his life and have a role of importance in it. It’s perfectly possible that he’d have been a good father whether I was nice about it or not.
At any rate, I think that I’ve set up enough structures and routines and the like for him to roll on his own with it for a while… it sticks in my throat that he’s playing families with his new gf (dammit, I’m still not a saint) and that she gets to witness him in his !Amazing New Father! role, but nor do I want my son to grow up witnessing his mother being treated like a second-class citizen and begging for crumbs.
The awful thing about the whole incident was that it WAS nice… it was lovely being the centre of his attention and having the (cheap and rubbish) intimacy back, even if it was only for two hours in the middle of the night. But I think and hope that it’s finally, definitely, indisputably taught me that no matter how nice he is to be around, ANYONE who doesn’t care enough about you to treat you with respect will leave you feeling broken and empty afterwards. I cried and cried afterwards, poor Son had a very unfun mother that day!
As for his having changed… maybe, maybe not. I think that his story about ‘the turning-point’ is probably a load of old cod and I’d be interested to see whether the New Him is able to cope if things go wrong in his life again. But either way, I am very clearly NOT good for him – if I do really love him (and if I don’t, why go to the hassle of feeling like this?) then the nicest thing I can do is keep myself firmly out of his way and let him carry on being nice to other people and feeling like a good person, instead of a really really manky one.
Hi Yoghurt,
I’ll bet your son is just wonderful. You said twice in your post “I supported him as much as I could during the pregnancy…” and “…(despite all the emotional support that I’d given to him during my pregnancy”. Did he support you during the pregnancy? Weren’t you the one going through the pregnancy? I got confused. Did he support you?
In my experience, the child has to come first. Perhaps, co-parenting can occur with time but 3:30 am drunk calls and groping you while he has an amazing connection with a gf may not mean he’s interested in co-parenting, unless he gets up a few hours later to take care of the baby and get ready for work? Take care of your son and yourself first. Let the father learn to take care of himself. Your son and you are NO. 1, right now, not him or his gf. He may come around someday to understand what it means to be a father and what is means to co-parent a child. I hope so. Otherwise, it is up to you. Thus, you’d better get some sleep and treat yourself well so YOU can be present and available to your son! Your son needs YOU.
Yoghurt,
call me cynical, but I don’t believ this guy tried to kill himself and if he did it’s not the wake up call he thinks it is. What sort of asshole calls someone in the middle of the night with a young baby! To be blunt Yogurt why would you think that mutual co parenting involves listening to his drivel and being disturbed from your sleep. It sounds so much more like YOU want posituve co-parenting and HE wants to get his leg over whilst telling you what a great guy he now is and gaining your sympathy by pressing your buttons. It seems just like manipulation to me.
I don’t call you cynical, with a bit of time to process I think you’re right. I think that the attempt is verifiable (should I choose to verify it, which I won’t) but I don’t think it changed his life. I think it changed the way that he was choosing to present himself, which is different.
It means that secret middle-of-the-night thinly-disguised guilt-trips on the mother of his child are okay, though, so long as no-one finds out about them.
I don’t think that mutual co-parenting involves listening to his drivel in the middle of the night, but after an entire pregnancy when I saw him three times sober and in daylight hours (in nine months!) and the only way I knew what in HELL was going on was when he turned up on my doorstep, wasted and gibbering a lot of stuff that he didn’t mean, it sort of became a habit. Not that that’s an excuse – I mean I moved away to put a stop to it – but it’s bloody familiar!
At any rate, I owe it to myself not to put myself in that situation again (if he rings me again in the middle of the night I shall a) not answer and b) Ring His Mother the next day for a ‘quiet word’). And if I can’t convince myself that I don’t deserve it then I’m perfectly sure that my son doesn’t deserve a knackered and distraught mother.
Yes please don’t listen to him anymore. Daylight hours, set times for visitations, conversations not about his past. Any problems he has are his Florence Nightingale girlfriend’s to solve. As someone with two young children, trying to have a manchild in your life is just not conducive to a good life. You already have one child to take care of. You can’t make a silk purse out of shit. If you keep focusing on what you did and didn’t get from him romantically, it will sidetrack from what now takes priority – your child. Someone can be a father without being your boyfriend. He’s doing a pretty shite job of each of these roles but you will find when you remove yourself out of the equation and stop making his actions about you and making them about him, that you focus on getting on with your own life. You keep letting him in because you’re looking for validation while he does This One Time At Bandcamp and gropes you. Come on now.
Well, I’m validated in thinking that YES it was a horrible time and YES his behaviour was way beyond normal and YES I was right to find it difficult and upsetting.
I’m not particularly validated in myself, though, I got a spiel about how he wished we could’ve been together and how I’m a great person and so on and I remember sitting there thinking “Yeah. But I’m still only worth a visit after you’ve been for a night out with your mates, been kicked out of the club, had a dirty kebab, waited for a taxi and THEN decided that I’m worth talking to”.
The good news is that I’m much better at thinking that I’m worth more than his valuation these days 🙂 He can’t see my worth or my value and that’s not because I don’t have any, it’s because he’s dumb.
Taken on board, though. I shan’t be doing it again. Nor will I be discussing any aspect of the past or his personal life, either. Not interested in victims.
Look Yoghurt, we all have a wish list of things that we would be or would have been ‘If only’. Fact is he didn’t wish that hard. You were practically there on a plate – all he had to do was take it and treat you with love, cAre, trust and respect. He can’t give you what you want because no matter what he wishes, his actions don’t allow for that. Anyone who prioritises being a pisshead and being a free of ties is guaranteed to let you down.
Don’t make his problems about you. Stop overvaluing him. The more you want a man like this, the more he starts to believe his own hype and even thinks he can do better because he knows he hasn’t got much going on really. Stop pumping him up. I’d turn the pump on yourself.
There are a lot more low self esteem women with no boundaries than there are women who value themselves. As much as we would like to think that our ex AC and Mr Unavailables will die alone pining for us, the reality is that most of them won’t. Many will date several women after us, get married and have children. Still, this WILL NOT mean they have changed. It will simply mean that they have found someone else that will put up with them. Once we accept this simple truth, we can be less afraid of what these men will become without us, and concentrate on who we can become after we PERMANENTLY remove them from our lives.
Was just talking about this topic with my brother last week. He said he feels like women have gotten worse, no self esteem… putting up with all sorts of crap. I used to spend hours wondering what special quality the girl that wins my last EUM will have, cuz I do believe he will settle down, they usually do. What she will have that I didn’t. Now I know that it’s actually nothing. Nothing special, its all about the EUM and what they decide at the time. People don’t change, unless they get to a low. I changed cuz I had a terrible low, sadness and crying. With many women to fall back on where’s their low? I don’t think any women is that special to them. I actually think most of them don’t really respect and love women in the first place. This you can’t fix.
the situation is exactly as you ladies state. exactly.
even though they don’t respect women, or learn not to (b/c the women around them fawn all over them), or want to believe that even the women who DO respect themselves really WANT them (when those women act in ways that show the opposite, even!), they pick a woman that they LEARN to love “in their own way” as my guy friends used to say–based on timing, or, as to the EUMs who keep going back to the SAME woman when they continuously act like players otherwise, for years, they learn to love the woman who puts up with their crap only for just long enough before she says “get the hell away” and they have the great make-up sex and other dysfunctional behavior in their dysfunctional lives anyways (*but this woman’s existence in their life is based on timing, too, e.g., she walked by at the right time, when he needed some sort fo stability, at least in his sex life!, to start with*).
“Still, this WILL NOT mean they have changed. It will simply mean that they have found someone else that will put up with them. Once we accept this simple truth, we can be less afraid of what these men will become without us, and concentrate on who we can become after we PERMANENTLY remove them from our lives.” Preach Jane!
Jane your post says it all. It is true, there are a lot more low self esteem no boundary women out there than there are the opposite. I have a large group of single female friends, I wish I had a dime for every ac/eum each one of us has dated, I would be rich. And none of us have dated the same man. Two of my friends just this week were telling me about situations with their current eum’s. They know what is wrong but they continue to rework, or redefine their gut instincts because they dont want to ‘not’ be involved with someone. I just listened and then made a note as to where I have gone wrong everytime in ignoring my instincts and vowed not to do it again.
Wow Natalie, the description of the dread and fear you felt when returning home and the ex had already made his next move to track you down must have been terrible. I can just imagine you arriving home, escaping the onset of an abusive relationship, only to find that he arrived first. I listened to what you wrote, you didn’t feel happy when he came crawling back, you said: “Instead I felt afraid.” That resonated with me. Every time I let an ex back through the door, there was a feeling of dread and fear. Tagging onto the post about “listening”, it’s amazing how our bodies react to poision.
This post made me think about how I’ve changed, assuming I have. How do I know if I have changed? I’m applying all the questions you’ve asked about “him” to me. What is different about my thinking and my actions? What problems have I identified and addressed? Where have I been and what have I been doing (I haven’t been doing anybody)? What is different about this time? I need to make a list about how I’ve changed so I don’t overestimate my capacity for a relationship. “There has to be major consequences to not changing and often that doesn’t equate to not being with you.” There was major consequences for ME to change. I’m going to be making a list this weekend about how I have changed. I hope it is a long list. This is so thought provoking. Have I changed?
Mostly, I don’t much care anymore if he has.
Great idea to ask these questions of yourself Runnergirl. I can tell you that after months of saying “Molly, you’re in danger girl” when I read your comments, I haven’t said that for a few months. You are growing and changing – believe it. And I’m glad you’re not concerning yourself with him!
Hi Natalie, I have changed a bit thanks to you and the wonderful BR community. You are right, you haven’t mentioned the “…you’re in danger girl” in a while. Thanks for not writing me off as a lost cause when I insisted on playing in traffic and then throwing tantrums when I got run over. I know I was stubborn and terribly confused. I’m looking forward to doing the work to keep changing. There is already a big difference in my self-esteem. Thank you so much.
My pleasure – write you off? Never Runnergirl. One of the things I always recognised in you is that while you did play in traffic, you were very responsive to a shake up. Sometimes it just takes it being spelt out. I also know that when play in traffic, we focus on isolated incidents of it so don’t see the pattern. I was mortified when I realised that I’d said and done the same things many times.
For me, sometimes it takes spelling it out 100 times! It did feel like isolated incidents until I started reading BR and then the pattern(s) became to clear to ignore as did the tire marks on my backside. It is reassuring to know that if I change, it doesn’t matter if he does. It’s where I begin and he ends. I plan to never give to a man what I want. That’s one of my biggest changes, I’ve cut out the middle man and give what I want to me.
@ Nml,
love the bit where there is no fairytale that starts off with some twat that stood you up. Lol
@ Cherry,
These types only get worse. Ask yourself if you’re prepared for a future with a man that beats you, and beats your children and you’re children see him beat you and you watch him beat them up. Can you imagine what that would
be like? No one would choose that. A lot of women that end up like that didn’t start with the clues you’ve been given. Be grateful that you’ve found out what he’s really like. Get professional help to help you get out safely. Plan an exit strategy.
Oh you’re so right on!!!!!!!
I did that not once, not twice, not 3 times… SEVEN TIMES!!!!! Yep, same AC!
And I even took him back once more after the time he came back with a marriage proposal… which he gradually kind of “changed his mind” about as time went on!!
But man, have I learned my lesson this time.
And the real cure has been NC. I mean *REAL* NC – no Facebook stalking, or email snooping, etc. Real, complete NC has really given me the gift of R-E-A-L-I-T-Y, seeing this assclown for the assclown he really is. You might wonder what the hell took me so long to figure that out… well, what can I say, the pink colored glasses and the fur coat of denial kept me busy for a good while.
Natalie, you are so helpful in prying our eyes open… which is a process that needs constant reinforcement, if you’re like me.
For that, I’m immensely grateful to you and everyone else here.
You’re very welcome brokenheated in LA. His seven lives have run out and so pleased to hear that you’re proper NC. You will be all the better for it. Look forwards and leave him in your past.
AboutMe- Your young bloke’s parents sound like mine. They’d be happy if I never left home. They think you have to be married to leave home, but who’s going to be interested in someone who still lives at home? Not likely. They use verbal abuse or other emotional manipulation eg. This is what everyone does. Even though everyone in my extended family left home young.
I have been reading your site for a year now & I thank God my friend told me about it. Your insight into these assclowns is amazing. I ended a 30 yr marriage to the father of my 3 kids due to drugs – cheating & indifference. During this vulnerable time I received a phone call from my “first love” who had just moved back to my city & told me he was going through a divorce as well. I ended up believing all his lies & falling for him. It’s been 3 yrs now – he is an alcoholic & is still having a relationship with his ex who comes to see him once a month for 3-5 days. I feel like an idiot. How could I possibly find the strength to walk away from one bad situation only to end up in one even worse? I am ashamed & humiliated beyond words. I have not had a physical relationship with him for a year but cannot seem to end it completely. He makes me feel guilty as he does not have any friendships or relationships with his family due to his behaviour from drinking. These blogs have helped me so very much & I know that I have to apply the No Contact Rule – but saying it & doing it are easier said than done.
Hi Triskel, I think your ‘first love’ seized an opportunity during a vulnerable time in your life that I see happen all too often. He’ll have seemed like the great white hope and provided a distraction that you’d have tuned out the warning signs. You have no choice but to break the tie – this alcoholic, cheating liar isn’t yours to hold onto. Don’t allow him to emotionally blackmail you. He is manipulating you and there is a reason why those friendships and family relationships have broken down – because while he might not have ‘cheated’ on them, he has deceived and manipulated them also. You are enabling, not creating these problems and these are his to fix, not yours.
Natalie,
I just wanted to let you know that I am so grateful for all of your knowledge and guidance. Your website and book have been invaluable to me and I think after four weeks post-breakup with the AC MM (unfortunately also coworker), I am doing very well. I haven’t cried in about a week. I haven’t had any moments where I called or texted, though I had one moment I thought about texting and quickly talked myself out of it. Work has been tough because I have to hear about all that he’s doing with his family, etc. but I just leave the room as soon as the discussion starts. I don’t look at him or speak to him other than work-related business and I found that has been best for me to heal because I need that “wall” and I really have no desire to be friends. He is away with his family (the trip he said he was taking with ME, lol), so time and distance are helpful in my healing. I’ve spent time reflecting about the relationship (if u can call it that) as a whole, and how I was treated overall. As many of us have found it was not all good, in fact there was A LOT that wasn’t. I realize how low my self esteem was and the crumbs I accepted. I realize that even though others told me this guy didn’t deserve my pinky, I NOW believe it.
Love your blog. It holds a punch of truth through a wealth of dating experience.
My best friend is in this situation and am worried. She has taken her long distance bf back the third time. Sadly, he has no idea why she wanted out. He thought it was just because of the distance. He said he missed her and is planning a trip down. But there has never been any concrete commitment on his part, in their “relationship”. He prefers to keep things open and go with the flow. I do want her to be hopeful and positive but am afraid she will be hurt/ disappointed once again.
What should I do? Just lend a listening ear as the cycle repeats itself? Or am I being too cynical?
This has just happened me. We had two years of on and off messing, the trust took a blow on both sides. The last time we tried to give it a go we took it really slowly (as in we were barely physical, met maybe once a week) I felt he was being distant and he said he’d rather we were just friends, we’ve been out of touch for about 3 months when I bumped into him, we were polite but kept our distance. Now he has come back, flowers and all saying he had time to work some stuff out for himself and wants to work things out between us now. We get on like a house on fire when things are good but its when things go bad that Im worried about, we caused each other alot of pain. My friends dont like him and his friends and family wouldnt like to see me back in his life either. I dont know what to think.
Ladyjane, you can tell a lot about a relationship by how conflict and difficult times are handled. Are you on the same team? Or are you divided? You’re not looking for a comedian or in flight entertainment so you need someone who can stand tall in the relationship at all times. If your friends don’t like him, his family aren’t keen on the reset button being pressed and you’re not sure and have two years of evidence to draw on, what is calling you about this relationship?
One jackass had the nerve to show up at my door one morning as I was leaving my house to go to work, complete with whining & crocodile tears. I ignored him for a few days and then spoke to him. Less than a month later, I found out that he had a girlfriend. I cut him off for good. Almost 4 years and counting for the rest of my life.
An ex is an ex for a reason. It’s really that simple.
my abusive, dishonest ex is screaming change now that i want out. after 5 years of more of the same. what’s funny is that he is now saying we have to be TOGETHER in order for me to SEE the changes he has made. otherwise, how would i know? this is new….and maybe genuine. but actually….i just don’t feel like going through this anymore. i don’t have the energy for it. and i feel like my life is literally on the line.
jess
No more chances for him. Women have ended up dead. Of course he MAY have changed, it is possible but this ship has sailed. Unfortunately (or fortunately), when they do change it’s better for everyone concerned to move onto different partners. He gets someone new who he’s never abused or treated like crap, who won’t jump or get nervous when he’s had a bad day. And you get someone who’s never screamed at you or lied.
I think if he was truly sorry he would leave you alone and wish you good luck. He would accept the consequences of his actions, ie he lost you. He wouldn’t be trying to manipulate you into coming back. If I kill someone, it doesn’ t matter how sorry I am, I still going to have to accept the consequences and do my time.
It’s too risky for you. If someone else wants to take it on, good luck to them, but it’s not for you.
I think you should NC him.
whoops wrong place!
grace-
i am trying but he is threatening to hurt my family. he says he knows where they live…etc. and this is frightening and scary b/c i don’t want to be bullied back into a relationship that has become a nightmare for me. but i don’t want my family harmed. going to the police i feel would enrage him and make him actually act. i’m hoping he is just trying to manipulate me into coming back through fear and he is full of sh*t and it will eventually die down. but its a very unhappy existence when you are trying to do the right thing for yourself but are burdened with guilt that something may happen to your loved ones. i don’t want to be with him anymore. this is the one thing i know for sure. plus, these threats just reinforce my decision.
Hi Jesslyn. This is one those situations where you will paint yourself into a corner with no options or at least only options that tie you to this abuser who is ruling you with fear.
Judging the situation you have three immediate options:
1) Call the police and have a restraining order. Let him be enraged on his own time.
2) Don’t call the police but do say that he’ll have to make good on his threats because you’re still not going back. Some abusers talk the talk with threats against extended members but don’t follow through. If you think he would, you’re back to option 1.
3) Go back. But be real – are you really going to go back to someone that threatens you and your family? They won’t want you doing that.
He isn’t going to forget that he happens to be terrorising a woman. You’ve either got to seek professional support and call the police (keep note of all times, threats, and even tape him on your phone, keep all texts etc – it’s all evidence). Professional support can give you a plan of action that keeps you out of harms way. You also need to tell your family – this isn’t the type of thing you keep to yourself. It also removes his power because he can’t isolate you in fear. What you don’t do is go back – all he’ll do is tighten his abusive grip on you.
jess
I second everything that Nat says. I also had an abusive ex who I was afraid would literally kill me. He cut me off from all my friends and family.
Tell your family, you must. Tell a friend. Tell someone at your local woman’s shelter. When the words come out of your mouth you’ll be surprised to hear them and how helpful it is. God gave us language. As the old saying goes – How do I know what I think until I hear what I say. Tell someone.
Also, this resource is very helpful, from a professional counsellor:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
thank you for your comments.
Hello NML, thanks so much for your input. I’m a little confused with the last sentece. Do you mean the relationship is not going to work because we will not change our ways not even with therapy or I will see the light and will not want to continue withthis kind of person that one day tells me we will get married in such amount of time and then in a couple of days tells me that he is scared and doesn’t know what he wants or feels for me.
excellent subject