I see so many people practically getting a Ph.d in investigating what someone said but didn’t back up with words, or investing themselves in something that looks like a relationship but the other party has said things to the contrary, that I felt it was time to break it down.
If the person appears to behave like they’re in a relationship by exhibiting the hallmarks of one such as spending time with you, sleeping together, introducing you to people, acting like you’re in a relationship, but then says that they don’t want to commit, that you’re “just friends” or ‘Friends With Benefits’, or denies that you’re even together, or says they’re not ready, their cat’s stuck up a tree, they haven’t got clean drawers, their budgie died when they were five, or whatever, if you continue, you’re ignoring the fact that their words don’t stack up with what you believed to be the actions of a relationship.
This is basically not seeing the wood for the trees because you’ll be telling yourself that action speaks louder than words, as if having the hallmarks of a relationship without the landmarks of one, trumps someone essentially disrespecting you and your relationship. You don’t realise they are lessening their responsibility, managing down your expectations, and telling you that you have the wrong end of the stick. “This isn’t a relationship so whatever you’re reading into things, it doesn’t hold the same meaning for me. I don’t feel the same way.”
It’s time to ask yourself what the hell you’re doing with someone who will shag you, get an ego stroke, play house etc but then say things that completely contradict that? When they say stuff like “I don’t see myself settling down with you”, you must be thinking “What the what now? Pur-lease! They don’t know their own mind!” That’s like thinking they’re a bit thick and need some hand holding in the relationship department.
However, when someone says any of this “I don’t want a relationship” and other such BS that contradicts their so-called action, it’s a get out clause and forewarning. If you continue, they assume you know the deal and recognise that how they’re acting is with a backdrop to what they originally said. They haven’t changed their mind.
On the flipside, I come across an incredible number of people who are sold on the wing and a prayer of words. Some have been interacting with people who have never had their actions match the words that come out of their mouth for over five decades. That’s some heavyweight Future Faking with an even heavier does of denial, rationalising, and minimising.
When you allow someone to persistently and consistently talk a good game without delivering, it’s like allowing them to bend over in your life and fart an incredible amount of hot air.
You may be thinking “Oh but they said it so they surely must have intended it” or “People who don’t love you or don’t want a relationship don’t talk like they’re in a relationship” or “They must say this stuff because they intend to do it and then it must be something about me that’s making them not do it so if I love them enough and become a loveable person then they’ll finally come up with the goods”. These people are a violation of the Trade Descriptions Act while selling you goods under deception.
Really, being with someone who talks but fails to act, is like calling up one of those chat lines over and over again. “What’s your fantasy today?” they ask, barely disguising their boredom while cutting their toenails. “Tell me about the type of relationship we’re going to have, the things you would do, where you would take me and then tell me all the excuses for why you won’t do any of those things and then reel me in again with some more Future Faking…”
I know I’ve said this many times but if actions and words don’t match, you’ve got problems. Match, match, match, match, match.
When someone is a person of integrity, they act like they’re in a relationship and talk they’re in a relationship because they think like they’re in a relationship. People whose actions and words don’t match have a disconnect with their thinking which is reflected in their actions and words, which also causes them to not live congruently with values they profess to have and desires, needs, and expectations they claim. The disconnect means they undermine what they say and do.
They don’t match because they don’t commit to what they say and/or they don’t commit to what they do.
The person who acts one way and says something else is talking themselves out of any perceived commitment to you so they can lessen their vulnerability and responsibility.
The person who says one thing and then does another thing entirely or nothing at all, is passive aggressively acting themselves out of any perceived commitment. The longer you hang around, the more they realise that you buy the fantasy so they take their foot off the peddle and just keep farting that hot air, occasionally throwing out a little action in times of panic and then gradually undermining it all over again once they think it’s safe to.
This means that there’s no point latching onto what they say about being in a relationship with you if they don’t act like they’re in a relationship with you, and there’s no point latching onto the fact that they appear to act like they’re in a relationship with you but they tell you that you’re ‘just friends’ or that it’s ‘casual’.
If you don’t have a match, you don’t have a relationship but you do have problems. No match, no healthy, mutual relationship but you’ll definitely have a whole load of mind effery going on.
When someone’s actions and words don’t match, you can never truly trust in them or where your relationship is headed, which by the way is nowhere. You’ll be left hungry for substance and very confused.
Just because an ex did those things with you and called you their boyfriend/girlfriend or you ‘feel’ like you’re in a relationship, or your feelings within this pseudo relationship are that of someone in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship or that you know better than someone who’s acting or saying differently.
Actions do speak louder than words but don’t get it confused. When it’s not a match, the actions tell you everything you need to know.
If someone appears to act like they’re in a relationship but says different, it means that the actions are now those of someone who is not in a mutual relationship with you, which means you’re feeling and giving in what you perceived to be a relationship and now need to roll back.
If someone says they’re in a relationship, but doesn’t back it up with action, their actions contradict it or they even do nothing at all, it also means that not only is this clearly not mutual, but it doesn’t exist as stated, which is verging on a fantasy relationship.
If actions and words don’t positively match, which means you have hallmarks and landmarks, you’ve got problems. You will have even greater problems if you fail to recognise the disconnect and push your flush handle. The funny thing is that when they do match, you know where you’re at, and when it’s a good match, you’re not spending your life feeling mind screwed and ‘hungry’ for substance.
Your thoughts?
For a no holds barred guide to actions not matching words, check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1084 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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“you’ll be telling yourself that action speaks louder than words, as if having the hallmarks of a relationship without the landmarks of one, trumps someone essentially disrespecting you and your relationship”.
This has hit the nail on the head for me, I have just finished a 5month crap friend with benefits situation with a man who blatantly and upfront told me he did not want a relationship. I decided to ignore this and continue nagging him into exclusivety – under the guise of yes I agree lets keep it casual but you cant f*ck anyone else and he would argue back to me saying he told me he didnt want a relationship. The confusion for me came because he treated me in what I saw a girlfriendly manner, he introduced me to his friends, took me out, was protective when other guys came near, was publicly affectionate, shared stuff about his day (seemed open). But the words he said all kept me at a distance. He had made it clear in the beginning he had just split from his ex and didnt want a relationship it was my choice to accept this arrangement or deny it, I chose to accept. The funny thing is I never wanted a relationship until I felt annoyed that he hadnt’t even consider one at all. Everytime he reminded me I wasn’t his girlfriend, or introduced me as a friend I felt a massive pang of anger. These are the times I would try and verbally force him into agreeing to be “mine”. After we slept together a few times and he distanced himself I refused to accept that he didnt have to call me or see me as we werent in a relationship, as far as I was concerned I was going on his actions and “acting accordingly”. I got shut out coldy and embarrasingly behaved like a lunatic turning up at his work – because I felt entitled, after all it was only a few days ago he was happily hugging me and including me in his social there. I then began to verbally abuse him during arguments throwing personal things about his ex and mother that he had told me in confidence back in his face to get a reaction. I was so desperate for a reaction, any reaction good or bad to show that he felt…something, anything. I felt that an action of any manner meant he cared about me on some level, I even wanted him to hit me at one point – I jus wanted him to explode with rage and punch me or something to show that I got to him and I meant something on some level. This is the messed up thing,…
This is the messed up thing, when you will accept ANY actions or words – positive or negative as a sign of genuine interest, love or respect. I hounded him about once every few weeks (normally after I had been out with friends drinking) because his actions had seemed so sincere. Then one day after I had turned up to his work yet again and called him an embarrasingly high number of times (nonstop!) he finally text me saying “stop calling me blablabla” – i was to drunk to remember the rest. I just know the words “stop calling me” were such a huge relief, it finally calmed the madness in my head. He finally had said something that matched how he was behaving and I stoppped. Just like that. I went no contact not conciously but because I didnt WANT to call him anymore, I didnt care and deep down I guess I truly didnt like him but because he had shown interest I accepted it. Three weeks after this he text me and I went to see him after some persuasion a few weeks later – I was curious and admittedly made a mistake. I met him and we went out for drinks. Needless to say I was so happy to see him, things we great he was “acting” like I was his girlfriend again. I wasn’t in the mood for sex, I felt a bit strange and found the overload of affection and attention he was giving me rattling as he had not matched these actions with words or by calling, being genuine – all the normal things a person with intergrity does. I felt empty. I told him I wanted to go home after and he was so desperate for me to stay, I caved in. He made love to me like he loved me, looking into my eyes kissing me being very affecionate – actions again – however i felt empty after the sex, I turned my back on him and went to sleep. He on the other hand was on cloud 9, refused to let me sleep away from him and pulled me in cuddling an being sweet. It was suffocating but exciting. Inwardly cold but so warm and reassuring. I left the next morning from work feeling confused but not attached to him. We didnt speak for a few days and I didnt care, he then text me (yes text another lazy action) and I went to see him. I was halfhearted. We met for a drink he was feeling insecure as he had to wear glasses instead of contacts, he kept talking about it and apparently I wasnt paying attention he got annoyed with my lack of interest, we went for a drink he wanted to go out and smoke so I said go on…
I said go on then – he wanted me to go with him – why? I thought are you incapable of going out for a smoke on your own, i refused and said Id wait inside he got angry and I caved. I started feeling annoyed that I was constantly jumping to his beat, after all he is not my boyfriend so why should I “act” like his girlfriend. That night when we went back he couldnt get it up and he blamed me for behaving unnatractive as I was too needy and it was turning him off! The one day where I was a little more in control, having fun, enjoying myself flirting and behaving like the girl he met he couldnt have found me more unnattractive. He phsyically manhandled me and I also ashamedly did the same to him (hitting eachother, he never hit me hard but it was enough to leave bruises on me for a few days) – we BOTH acted in a way which was out of sync to our actions, we BOTH didnt want a relationship but behaved in ways which encouraged the other person to invest in more feelings. I behaved in a desperate manner the minute he told me he didnt want me, the second the words of him not wanting me left his mouth I jumped into the pit of desperation and “acted” in the way that he had come accustomed to and probably secretly liked. Its humiliating that I stuck my leg through his front door refused to leave, cried crocodile tears, begged him to explain why he couldnt get it up for me, hit him to get him to hit me back which he did but not hard enough to make me feel he was genuinely angry (therefore his actions showed he still wanted me?). I couldnt understand the sudden turn. And i still dont, but I know that I dont genuinely have feelings for him, I am just addicted to the empty actions and wanting someone who DOESNT want me as its all Ive ever known and what Im comfortable with. I have not called him since the bust up where I begged him to f*ck me, (can you believe the desperation) and I wont be calling him again. I have made a promise to myself to do something different for once in my life, this doesnt make me happy so why do I keep repeating the same actions expecting a different result. Is not just his actions its OURS too. I always call and beg them to come back and when they do eventually I think its cos there must be something about me – yeah there is – desperation. I dont need to be desperate and neither does any woman, we have options and you can make the choice to…
I want to thank you for sharing the cold hard truth about your recent engagement with an assclown. I know that it was difficult to admit some of the embarrassing facts. But i think that it is beneficial that everyone reads this so that you can take control of your feelings when you experience rejection. Rejection is hard for most people but that is when self love and self respect must take center stage.
I am not a counselor but I encourage you to get counseling and work on loving yourself. I suspect, unless you put in a lot and I mean lot of time focusing on yourself and loving yourself. You will be destined to repeat this destructive behavior.
Lastly, i still applaud you for being honest which I believe is the first step in recovery. The next step is action.
Thank you for your kind words, have decided to get help and talk to someone as this is a reccuring pattern in all my relationships. I think I do like him a lot but im screwed so its easy to say oh i never liked him anyway. I have spoken to him since and I believe that this is my fault. Im self obsessed cos of major insecurity I was constantly on edge seeking his attention and approval causing arguments and being an ass. Im vile when im angry and no normal person would stand that. My actions dont provide any reason to enter into a relationship or even like me. He didnt lead me on he was honest about just wanting stuff casual, maybe if I had normal self esteem I wouldnt have read so much into the situation and been able to enjoy it more for what it was. This site has so much useful info, will keep reading on self improvement and for once make a change – will be very hard but im going to do it. Good luck everyone xx
One of my best girlfriends once said: I honestly think you´d be perfect for each other, that a lot of people never meet someone they match this well, that when I look at him looking at you or hear him talking about you, I see and hear a man who loves a woman, if there ever was one. But: he continues not to choose commitment. Despite being part of every aspect of each other´s lives (except sex), he tells you he doesn´t want a relationship. He sleeps in your bed without touching you, then in the morning, instead of snuggling up with you, he jumps up and makes you breakfast. You have a wonderful friend, and he´s crazy – ! – not to level up. But he doesn´t, and he won´t. He is who he is, and he wants what he wants.
After our timeout (initiated by him to give me the space to move on, which worked – and I had never realised the things I´ve realised about the both of us had I been close to him during those months), he told me that a) he´d missed my company terribly, and cried a lot, b) he was still not, at all, interested in a relationship, and c) that he thought there was a possibility he might remain single all his life.
I am telling you this in case it can help anyone: because it is further confirmation of what finally got me off the hook. *** He is who he is, and he wants what he wants. *** No matter how much sense it (in other people´s view) makes for him to choose me, and no matter if his mother, his sister, his best friends, his ex-girlfriend all think he and I are the perfect couple in waiting, he is who he is, and he wants what he wants. And there´s nothing I can do to make him be someone else or want something else. There are things *he* could do, but he continues not to choose them. Not out of fear. Not out of inability. Not out of lack of [insert whatever]. But because of preference and active choice. He doesn´t WANT to. And if suddenly he does want it with someone else, it´d be because he´s fallen madly in love. And he´s entitled to do that, you know
And if missing me so much that he cries doesn´t cause him to want to be my boyfriend, can anything? I doubt it.
I don´t walk around knowing when we last were in touch anymore. I don´t check my phone frantically to see if he´s gotten in touch (to the frustration of my girlfriends, haha, who won´t get immediate feedback any longer either), and I don´t check his facebook daily. Hello, freedom.
Anoosh!
I understand exactly what you’re saying. I travelled around the world this summer – backpacked across Asia. And when I had my run in with my ex this past Monday – he put his hands on my shoulders and said ” its not healthy to travel the world by yourself, to eat by yourself, it’s not healthy you should have someone to travel with you you should be married and have a kid, this isn’t healthy.” And while I think he was trying to tell me that he wanted me to be happy- I felt like punching him in the nose. It’s amazing how many people thing singleness is a disease. Some people even say you could go for him, or him, or him, or him. And it’s like in the back of your head you’re thinking- I can go for any of them but who will go for me? Society, especially if you’re from an ethnic background seems to put extra pressure on those who are still single. BUT what happens when you get divorced, where are they now.
I’m at a point where having kids is something I’m not hopeful for. I’m embracin reality and moving on with my life. Or atleast trying to. It’s just me… me, myself and I. And thats how it’s going to be.
thanks Anari
good for you, taking that trip, sounds amazing! I’ve been single for so long, it’s hard to visualize a happy ending with relationships anymore. I’ve spent more time in my own company than most people I know. I’m good at it. one of the hard parts is that I actually had made peace with it, for a very very long time. I hoped to meet someone, the *right* someone, but I was not consumed with pursuing or obtaining that. I spent most of my 30′s “out there”, after the breakup of my most serious relationship of 5 years (7 really, took 2 to really break up). and then, after failing to meet anyone seriously interested, and getting stood up by an AC on my 40th birthday in front of 25 of my friends — I decided to give myself a huge present. I just kind of let it all go, all the expectations and disappointment. I tried to just accept how things were and be happy. and yes, hopeful, that it would be the right strategy for attracting the right man at the right time. it took 4 1/2 years for this last EU to show up, and it was the happiest I have ever felt with any man, ever. I believed him when he said “we belong together”. that’s how it felt to me too. but this time, at 46, I cannot get back to that place, where I am at peace with what happened and healed from the heartbreak. I loved him so so much, and still do. the loneliness is palpable, every single day. god it would be so nice to meet a nice guy, just to have dinner with, to have some male company. I’m an outgoing, friendly, gregarious, affectionate person. no one’s approaching or asking. my love life consists of reading Baggage Reclaim every day since April, and mulling over the last 3 decades of going through so much rejection and pain. I wasn’t cut out for it. I never wanted to be a single mom either, so I held off on having kids. Now I regret that decision. Yes, tomorrow is another day, hopefully a brighter one. I’m just so sad right now 
Hi Anoosh,
You are not alone. I’ve also struggled with feeling like I missed the boat with having kids, something I’ve always wanted to do. And with feeling like I’ve wasted time loving and hoping for a long term partnership with the wrong men. I’ve learned a ton along the way, and it sounds like you have too. I think if I had met someone and married them in my 20′s or 30′s I’d probably be divorced by now, still single, and still wondering if there was something wrong with me.
You know, if you really regret not having kids, there are alternate ways of creating a family. Adoption, fostering, or just deciding you are going to be a super active and involved adult in your friends’/siblings’/coworkers’ children’s lives.
Thank you for sharing your feelings here- know that they are shared by many, and being sad about unfulfilled wishes/choices is a completely normal part of accepting where you are in your life and moving on.
Best,
Izzybell
Anari,
he is just undermining your self confidence as he sees you are moving on and getting a life. It’s got nothing to do with being single, it’s him saying “how dare you be getting on with your life, eating on your own lol, travelling without me!” Wise up that’s the voice of jealousy!
Really Josie!?? I NEVER saw that perspective! I wouldn’t think he’d be jealous of poor single, can’t get a man me. Hmmm food for thought. THANK U sooo much!
Nat, I was wondering if you have written something with ideas of how to get over someone you can’t get over. I guess all of your brilliant articles outline that to some degree, but do you have an article that deals with suggestions? I guess the major one is no contact hey!
Fearless
I understand your comment about feeling humiliated, I have struggled with that too. I felt humiliated by my ex AC’s behaviour in standing me up for dates, silent treatment, coldness etc etc, and by my own behaviour in not walking away (and also stopping standing up for myself, as he ignored me for days/ weeks every time I did that). It has really helped to read other comments: one lady felt humiliated by her ex AC, particularly as it brought back memories of an incident where she was at school, and some girls persuaded a guy to ask her out, and then later said it was a joke and laughed at her for believing that the guy wanted to date her. It helped me to read a response (I think from Natalie) saying that, unlike those girls at school, her ex AC hadn’t behaved the way he did to humiliate her, it was to get his needs met. It helps somehow to think my ex AC wasnt trying to humiliate me but had his own agenda. I didnt cause his behaviour, although still coming to terms with my own part in it all!
I think alot of us here have felt humilated and turn to BR for comfort from each other and Nat’s posts. I felt humilated when I was stood up on Valentines Day, and many other occasions. I feel humilated right now for even entertaining him after my run in last week…but what can you do? Thoughts of rectifying it, or doing something stupid to harm one’s self doesn’t make sense. I’ll get stronger dealing with the humilation…you guys will too. And if it’s any conselation perhaps the EUMS laugh it off and don’t even think about it.
Anari,
humiliation is what?…It’s just your thoughts about what happened. You can change those thoughts to better ones which empower your self confidence. Being stood up is NOT the worst thing that can happen to you but letting some unempathic dickwad define your life..now THAT’s humiliating! You were burnt, you are recovering and you will get better and heal from the bullshit.
Josie, thank u!
Great read as always.
My story: my ex promised me everything under the sun….and then some. And initially he delivered on a lot of things but at around the 2-2.5year mark, I started realizing that the closer we got to doing some of the bigger, meaningful things we talked about (ie shopping for an engagement ring, looking at buying a property together), the more he started to back peddle. To be fair to him, there were difficult circumstances in our lives that didn’t allow us to move forward with our plans sooner but once these obstacles were out of the way, he continued talking about “one day….” but more and more it felt like “one day” was in a very far away place and time.
Ultimately after a few months of this unstable behaviour (saying one thing but never following up with actions) I got very annoyed and walked away from him (I did give him fair warning though that I had issues with the discrepancies). It was one of the most heartbreaking decisions of my life: loving someone with all my heart but having to walk away b/c I loved myself more (and I am the type of person that has always put up with cr*p so standing up myself like this was TOUGH and something new for me).
His reaction to the breakup? Letting me go without a fight and telling me that it was my “negative outlook” that caused him not to want to continue to act. He blamed my “negative” expectations of him (always expecting the worst) as a reason that he changed his mind and now he was no longer sure if he wanted to do the things he promised afterall (marrying me, having children with me). The couple of times we spoke after the break up, he continued to outright blame me for his backtracking and naturally I continued to blame him for making empty promises.
So you can imagine my confusion until this day…..was it possibly me? was it my self fulfilling negative prophecy as he claimed? or was he a future faker? And its scary b/c in my heart of hearts I believed him and his love for me – I never trusted a man like this before and now in retrospect I’m questioning the sincerity of the entire relationship. It might help to note that he was with a woman for 12 years before me, had 2 children with her and refused to marry her although she pressured him for years (hence my apprehension at the 2.5yr mark when nothing concrete was happening).
To add to the sting, he had the…
This article couldn’t have come at a better time…I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to extricate myself from a guy who continues to treat me like his girlfriend, but doesn’t have the words to match it…he tells me he doesn’t know what he wants, that it has nothing to do with me, he just needs to figure things out, he wants to be with me most of the time, and other BS. But then he goes and plans these amazing weeklong trips, whole weekend dates, etc. which of course throws me off every time! The minute I think I need to be done with this EUM, he does something romantic and it keeps me around for Round 2! Anyone going through this same thing?? Any words of wisdom to help me dettach from this crap??
Flo,
maybe he is just a guy who enjoys romantic weekends and making out with someone attractive but doesn’t want anything more. That’s okay. People are entitled to act the way that works for them.
If you want more from him and clearly he doesn’t want to give it, either enjoy the nice weekends for what they are, no strings romance or find someone who better fits your emotional needs.
It’s not possible to turn a pigs ear into a silk purse so why try?.Find a silk purse even though the pigs ear you have at the moment occasionally manages to look like a silk purse!
Oh, yes, we all went through this kind of BS over and over, that’s why we’re here. Some of us heard also plans of getting married/ having children blah blah (we’re lucky that they did not materialize)
BR is a place where you learn what “I don’t know what I want from you” means and it means BS BS BS.
And the romantic periods are the poison which kept us around the jerks. No contact is the solution to detach yourself from the illusion.
Good luck with it. It’s not easy at all.
In actions not matching words, what if a guy answers your calls and emails when you call and email and is flirtatious when you speak, but doesn’t ever initiate contact? In this way his actions aren’t matching his words.
In this situation should you just stop contacting him or do you think he’s just a passive guy and it’s ok to keep initiating contact? We aren’t dating, he’s just an acquaintance who I am crushing on and want to get to know better. I am all for women initiating contact, but I feel like if I didn’t contact him, he might never speak to me and if I contact him, he will at least get to know me better. What do you wise women think?
I have had this same problem with guys in the past. I don’t like playing games, so I don’t want to withhold contact when I want to speak to someone but I don’t want to contact someone if they don’t want to speak to me. It’s hard to know if the person is just busy and is grateful that you contact them or if they don’t want you to contact them and are just being polite.
Men do what they want. If he is not calling or arranging to see you, then you have nothing. Passive men still end up with girlfriends. Stop the wishful thinking. Stop contacting him and see what happens. He might step up, he might not, but at least you have your answer.
If this is a pattern, you need to look at why you like men who don,t like you back.
“I am all for women initiating contact, but I feel like if I didn’t contact him, he might never speak to me”
There’s his actions speaking. If you’re not sure that you will hear from him if you don’t contact him, time to move on. Guys don’t give you credit points for doing all the work. There are guys who will answer your call for an ego stroke. You don’t have to be sleeping with a guy or in a pseudo relationship with them to be used for an ego stroke.
Stop initiating contact and you will find out real fast if he is interested in in you or your attention. When a guy wants to get to know you and is interest they show it by doing the work of initiating contact and asking you out.
Lavender,
some guys are passive and some guys are just flattered by your attention by the phone calls, but are not that intersted. Only time can tell if you have someone passive or a total waste of space. In my experience though a man who is interested acts like he is. His actions match his words. However the fact that you are even asking the question means that something doesn’t quite tick YOUR boxes by this behaviour. Maybe just get a crush on someone who acts in a way which better floats your boat. We really don’t have to make do with men who can’t return or initiate calls.
Sassy, Indie and Josie,
Thank you so much for your advice. I think you’re all right. I guess if he liked me he would initiate.
Josie, you said: “However the fact that you are even asking the question means that something doesn’t quite tick YOUR boxes by this behaviour.”
I never thought of that, it’s true. I guess I will not contact him for a while and see what happens. Do you think it’s the same with friends too? Like if you have a friend (even the gender you’re not attracted to) and you are always initiating contact, but they never do, does that mean the same thing as when it’s a romantic pursuit type situation?
Indie: I think this is really good too: “If you’re not sure that you will hear from him if you don’t contact him, time to move on.”
I just figured that if we got to know each other better he would start initiating himself.
Really sad but true.
Lavender, I’ve dealt with this before too. What I’ll usually do is make one last contact, making clear I’m interested in hearing from them soon, and then I stop. I prefer to leave the ball in their court.
Hate to say it, but if I feel the need to do this, it usually IS the last contact that takes place between us and I know I need to move on.
Natalie, your blog simply is the best dating blog out there. Haven’t found anything like it. You share great insights, your blog should be required reading for teenage girls all over the world
!!!
To add my comment:
It’s true, people need to make sure the words matches the actions and vice versa. But I think most people getting involved with an unavailable person got there completely unprepared. They find someone who acts like a bf/gf. Of course they should listen to words such as “I am not ready for a relationship”, but it’s hard when there’s loads of chemistry and you guys seem perfect together. And very often these people add a “yet”. So how are you supposed to know that they are going to drag you along forever, mess with your heart big time etc. It is hard to tell in the beginning.
“How are you supposed to know…” I guess most people know because they have been treated well in relationships in the past (whether it be romantic ones or with family/friends) or witnessed good relationships (eg between parents) as they were growing up. I honestly think, if I had managed a good decent relationship early on in my late teens/early twenties then this would have set the bar for how I would then expect to be treated.
My friend has often said to me when I’m blathering on about my latest disaster “would you expect a friend to do this to you? you wouldn’t allow it, you’d walk away, so apply the same kind of standards to men”
I guess it is about being honest with yourself rather than pulling the wool over your eyes and seeing what you want to see. I have been in guilty in the past of living in a fantasy world – my own kind of future faking – rather than taking a good hard look at how things are in the here and now.
Imfree,
I agree with your friends..don’t put up with behaviour from a man that you wouldn’t tolerate from a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend who is ever so busy. She doesn’t return calls, texts or anything and when you manage to catch her she was very busy as if I am not! Did I flush her ass YOU BET! She’s showing her lack of interest by her lack of actions, Am I bothered..er no! she’s not the only girlfriend in the sea! ha ha ha, but you can bet when her latest guy dumps her she will be back calling…sounds like she’s just looking for a fall back girl, ego stroke and someone to moan out to! I’m not that girlfriend! Friends can be emotionally unavailable (read USER) just like men can.
Josie im on you on the girlfriends post! I use to put up with a lot from certain old freinds. These days the flaky ones can be flaky somewhere else. I brushed off a flaky cousin whose now making an effort to contact me. Im not bothered now though we dont have much in common, but i always made an effort in the past because hes ‘family’, now i like.meeeeh
Same ting with one of my oldest freinds, she use to treat me like crap sometimes and used me. I just let her! now ive got over it and shes better nowadays (but still flaky) and now im like.meeeeeeeh
I have made new friends now, but I’ve also learned to be alone and love it. I was an only child and actually had great fun on my own, but I did have a lonley childhood for the most part and when I became a teen and got more freedom i just went along with my mates to feel like i belonged, normal, except they werent an only child whose been in care and had a father who ignored her!
its great that Ive got to this stage within myself, very happy with this!
Such is life
So let me get this straight.
When dealing with potential EUMs, we have to beware of:
1) Actions matching words (i.e. acting like he’s in a commited relationship, but then telling you he doesn’t want commitment); AND
2) Words being backed up by actions (i.e. no future faking, telling you he wants a future but never following through with concrete steps foward).
Whew! I’m tired. Or maybe I’m just tired of EUMs.
PS. I love this blog. Thanks, NML!
How Predictable,
I see it this way..people whose actions don’t match their words are lying to you and to themselves and people who tell you they will do things in the future and don’t follow through are also liars. They are emotionally unavailable because their lies just serve to keep you interested and asleep on the job of protecting your life whilst they get their needs met via blinding you with the fiction. These lies are an enormous thief of your time and one thing is true with emotionally unavailable men and women, you will never ever get back the time you wasted on them and because its all based on lies, you will also never get what you want.
When people lie to you, they show their intent. Get rid of them right away before you waste your life on the unworthy.
Can anyone tell me why they do this? I can understand if you are asking for or demanding more but why up and tell you once again that their feelings for you are intensifying,that he has been an a**hole to me in the past and was so sorry but that he was not going to take me for granted anymore and he understood if I didn’t believe him but that he was going to work hard to prove it and would never become distant from me again. Love bomb me for a month and a half with the most romantic and sweetest words. Says all of those things one week ago and then the very next week starts ignoring me. I send him a text and say “you are doing what you said you were not going to do”. He doesn’t reply. Next day I send “Hello?” he replies “hey, are you going to be mean to me today?” Then says he has has had a sinus infection,blah,blah,blah. That was last Thurs and haven’t heard from him since. Is he really setting out to hurt me? It really seems that way. I try to hold back to avoid getting hurt but he is so convincing and every time I decide this time it will be different and let down my guard is when he pulls the rug out from under me. It is wrecking me emotionally. Does he enjoy that? My question is why,why? And why do I like someone said earlier have one iota of feeling left for someone that does this to me over and over.
Ms O:
It’s not important why they do this. Maybe they lie to themselves when they are lying to you, who cares? The important thing is that this action is hurtful and abusive, and it will never stop. They are missing a part of the brain, whatever. This man is a loser.
Go No Contact: Get your friends and your activities to support you, and walk out into the Sun. Don’t look back. You can find techniques on this site to help. It hurts more initially, but it stops the cycle and frees you.
Now Go!
Talk about actions not matching words. Well, two weeks ago, yet again my 7 mo old EUM said he needed time to think. We had already extablished the I love you and even talk of the future, including some concerns. Of course this time like all others I panicked, started in with the letters, text messages, begging pleading to just talk. He would get mad and say “go away”…the worst was this past Friday. I have to pass right by his house on my way to work, I can’t help but notice when his car is not there. I text and told him it was good to see he had moved on so quickly. That afternoon he text back “go away you bitch”..the things this man has said to me. He has called me a bitch, selfish, go away, you name it and then could turn around and say I love you. When we were together which was a lot during the week, almost every night he was so affectionate and loving and then one day he would say I need time. I’m sorry but you don’t love someone and then use the excuse of being mad to say hurtful hateful things. When you really love someone you don’t need time to “think”, right? I am still in so much pain, my heart aches. I can’t stop crying and I keep telling myself how could I still care for a man that treat me with such disrespect? What is wrong with me?
Hersheigirl, don’t shed another tear over this man – he’s an ass. When a man does a complete Jekyll & Hyde, you can be sure that it’s the Hyde part that’s the real him. Here’s a post that was a huge help to me – I think you’ll really like it too! *Big Hugs*
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/happy-one-day-chopped-the-next-when-they-breakup-and-vanish/
Thank you! That was him exactly. He told me from the start that every woman leaves her man. His wife of 7 years left him for another and then the next long relationship he had 4 years later lasted 7 years and she cheated on him too. He said from the start that the two of us are different and we are. I believe he does or did love me but I believe his fear of failing and not being the kind of man he thought I needed was more overwhelming than anything else. I’m not making excuses for him because there are none but what hurts the most is that he now makes it my fault saying he asked for time to think but I wouldn’t leave him alone therefore I ruined it for him. Now he turns it on me and he has told me before he pushes. What pisses me off is I still love him, even after being called a bitch, and a whole host of other names like crazy, you need to grow up, etc. etc. I know deep down it would never work but the pain isn’t any less there. Thanks and I’ll keep reading. It does help.
You’re very welcome! I know it hurts like crazy now, but I promise you it will get better. It is awful when they blame their crappy behavior on us and you’re right not to believe it – it’s just the mark of someone that can’t/won’t take responsibility for his actions. I know what it’s like to think, “Why the hell am I in love with someone that’s obviously a nasty piece of work?” and, believe me, it will pass! As for all his bleating about how other women supposedly did him wrong, I give you this:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/this-one-time-in-band-camp-buying-into-their-past-hurt-part-one/
There’s always a lesson in these relationships and now you know that if a guy comes out with a statement that goes, “All women/all my exes [insert anything negative, i.e. are needy, psycho, left me]“, run!
I am so proud of myself. Day four of no contact and I came home yesterday to find a pair of shoes he said he threw in the trash and my house key. There was a note inside that said “I didn’t throw these away”..well, DUH I can see that. I didn’t contact him and I won’t. As far as I’m concerned he could have kept them because I wrote them off anyway. I just find it odd after I finally stop contacting him he gives them back. Oh well, I’m staying on here and soaking it all in. Thanks all!
Hershei Girl,
You are not going mad and the pain is very real, I don’t know what this guy has said to you but you need to stay on this site and read over some of the stuff on Future Faking…there is no limit to what a guy like this can say to get an outcome and that can be access to your company,sex,ego boost, even the temporary illusion that he will commit(Makes him feel good for a while?). I have been where you are and understand your compulsion to contact,to demand explanation, to over analyse. But he’s verbally abusing you now, he’s dangling a carrot then pulling it away,he may even be getting off on the power he has over you…you need to distance yourself. Get a friend around you,focus on some other activity,let the pain happen for a while but stay the hell away from him. Read Natalie’s bits on No contact. You did not deserve such disrespect, you need time to build up your esteem again but that will never happen around a guy like you describe. Concentrate on one thing at the moment the repair and love of yourself. Stay in touch x
I’ve dated one person for a couple of months that I didn’t have strong feelings for. When I ended it, I lied about why I ended it. I said something about feeling like he didn’t have enough time for me, which was partly true, but if I had loved him, I would have dealt with it. However, I didn’t sleep with this person and when I ended it–I never spoke to him person again, even when he called me.
I had to figure out my own mind and how I felt. Once I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have the level of feeling to continue, I ended it with a clean break. That’s the difference. I didn’t string him along, keep him around as a friend to help me move or tell me I’m pretty. So I never understand the mentality of someone who can say they don’t want a relationship and still hang around. That’s how I know these guys are usually not good people. Good people don’t use others for their own ends.
Today I found the art of meditation, i would recommend it to anyone whose brain is ticking over time about these men/women. I actually met up with my ex eum on sat, he said i was the ‘love of his life’ when i bumped into him last. I was ingriued buy this statement, but hes still very much the same. I just said that its been long enough now theres no anger left, no nothing. So the only thing left to do is to watch him say bitter things (no doubt they may come out) when i see him around and ignore him. When that tiny (it gets smaller and smaller all the time) says ‘oh but you loved him! the intimacy was special!’ you know its just a hangover from an extended binging session of 2009
And the action point…….is my favourite on this whole site. The BEST advice anyone could give you. Ive used it lots recently Thanks!
He told me when he is not contacting me it’s not because his feelings for me had changed it was because he has always had trouble focusing on one thing for long. That he had at times been cold to his parents and his daughter but it didn’t mean he loved them any less. That is what makes me wonder if maybe it is not intentional. Because he absolutely adores his daughter and if that is true then why wouldn’t it happen with me also? I guess I’m looking for reasons not to give up on him and explain why his actions don’t match his words.
BINGO!!!!!!!
Amen! This post pretty much says it all. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was looking for too much because my so called “relationship” felt so empty and literally was going nowhere fast. Oh how my thinking has drastically changed thanks to this blog.
I still cannot wrap my head around people however who go around partaking in pseudo “relationships” only to downplay that it is anything at all, that you’re “just friends,” etc. I mean what is the point? These people obviously don’t want to be in a relationship so why bother? Why bother getting close but not too close? How can you spend so much time with this person and yet still have little to no regard for them whatsoever? In my opinion a relationship of any kind either flourishes or fades with time. This constant back and forth seems like such a waste of time, so vapid and pointless. I mean when I don’t want to be in a relationship I remain single, I don’t go around searching for someone to use in the meantime taking advantage of them, feeding them BS so that they’ll stick around. I don’t understand how someone can treat certain individuals as such, with little to no respect whatsoever and yet feel okay or even justify their own behavior. For me, this remains a huge motivator when thinking back to the person I was seeing. I’ll have those moments where I feel saddened by how everything has ended but then I just think do I really want to be with someone who goes around treating people like this? Definitely not!
I just want a guy that doesn’t try and use me as a booty call, dump me coz I don’t put out on the first date, dump me by text, flirt with other women in front of me, cheat on me, or insult me in front people just to make himself feel big. Why is this so much to ask for? After almost a decade since I started dating, why can’t I find it?
FedUp, I’ve been following your comments. I’m with you totally. Maybe it comes down to defining our goals and setting our boundaries. I don’t respond to text or email messages anymore from any guy Period, let alone at 8:00 pm on Friday or Saturday night…seems to much like a booty call to me. He’ll move on until he gets a response. I don’t do the flirting with other women thingy. I left events three times when he did this. I just up and left him as he was much more interested in her than me. That’s a deal breaker for me. Of course, I was involved with a MM so that should have been the deal breaker becuase he was MARRIED. Can you imagine a MM, his mistress, and he is flirting with yet another woman? It is too humilating to admit. Not me ever again.
I am in the grieving process. He is the 3rd EUM i have been involved with in my life. I don’t know if i am generally attracted to these men because i also have commitment issues. Maybe i do. However all three of them were quite attractive, very well educated, they had good jobs and they were smart, sexy and funny. They had a great ”package” for any woman.. except that they had commitment issues. Maybe i was blinded by their attractive traits. Maybe i was blinded by my hormones. The fact is that now after my last ”relationship” ended, i feel so sad, so disappointed.. He was very good with words but not with actions. Does this mean that his words were fake? Didn’t he have real feelings for me? Was i just convenient for him? Is everything they do-blowing hot and cold blah blah- a strategy? Do they use it consciously or unconsciously? Because if they use it consciously this means they are frauds. Right? I have so many unanswered questions.. I feel so deceived, so disappointed. (Sorry if my english is not so good)
Hey Natalia6, your english is fine. You may have been an option. So very sorry. It is the most humiliating thing for me to realize that I was just an option. When I read Natalie’s Mr. U and the FBG, I’ve seen how I played perfectly into his dance. I’m a classic FBG. I hope you can get a copy of Nat’s new edition. She addresses every question you pose. Your questions are the same questions I had. Are you NC? NC is the only way out. Have you signed up for Natalie’s NC guidelines? I’m 10 months in/out and it still is difficult but getting better. He isn’t thinking about what is best for you. What is best for you is up to you to figure out. “I feel so deceived, so disappointed.” Me Too. Worse, I realize I deceived and disappointed myself.
This is so true! I have been “friends” with a guy for a while now, he was the one who initiated the friendship and everything. For a while, I thought he really meant it when he flirted with me and I let my imagination run wild with our future together. But I have since come to the sickening conclusion that he’s just using me as a fall-back girl. He flirts with me a lot and even hints at marriage (we’re not even dating), but he has yet to make any kind of action, like asking me out or anything…it is so annoying and frustrating. And I realized too, that virtually all our communication is on Facebook or email or text message, and he has only initiated contact out of the blue every so often. And the last few times we’ve chatted he’s seemed increasingly distant, except for those ridiculous sly, flirty comments suggesting marriage and a future together. I was such a fool to fall for it… So I’ve implemented the No Contact rule. It’s been a week and as of yet, he has not so much as sent me a message…this is really disappointing. I really liked him and thought we had potential but now, I see he is an EUM and his actions are definitely not matching up with his words. I’m just glad I saw it before I was seriously involved…
Hi Anoosh, I feel exactly the same way as you. At 42 two failed marriages my second ex has got a 19yr old up the duff. Go to parties on my own mmmm however have a boyfriend of three years…..EUman, so doesnt really count does it. This one would have been the man I would have wnated children with a great father, they always seem to be…. but has had a vasectomy. We have been on and off with him for three years, still live separatley he comes round because he likes being looked after………but funny how he doesnt look after me. ( always manages sexy time of course) WTF am I doing………smoking alot more as I dont have kids so dont need to worry about paying the mortgage or going into a nursing home, who would realistically look after me…………..What a situation I tell him im very unhappy and things need to change……they might for a week and return back to normal. I have a good job had a rubbsih family life father buggered off and had no interest in either my sister or me……Im stuck and its making me depressed on happy tabs but now a stone heavier , deep joy. Any advice would be appreciated……….good luck Anoosh love and light xx
I can’t tell you how much this article has helped me. I was with a great, lovely guy who’s not over his ex, and half of him wanted our relationship, the other half not sure. Still he called me everyday. After 2.5 months I told him I was looking for a relationship but if he is not then let me know. He came back a few days later saying he couldn’t offer me a commitment right now but still wanted to continue seeing me. I told him it’s best we call it quits. He tried to suggest just pulling back but I said that wont achieve anything. We broke up my idea. He still called me everyday!!
Two weeks of this I couldn’t take it anymore and told him No Contact for a few weeks. He genuinely sounded hurt, i will never forget how he sounded. It took him a while to understand but finally he said he will respect my request but told me he calls me all the time because he loves talking to me and hanging out with me, but can’t give me what I want. I told him I just needed space so I can let go and I’ll call him in a few weeks.
I now am questioning my decision and break down about it every day. If he called me everyday there must be something there right? I miss him terribly and have two streams of pain, my own loss in losing him and that I may have hurt him too.
I know deep down I’ve done the right thing, doesn’t stop it from hurting so much. So my point is every time I read this article it empowers me and makes me feel stronger, so thank you Natalie you really know how to shake a girl out of her “sucker” mode. Now every time I doubt of feel weak, I come here for a dose of reality!
MinSyd
If he calls you every day but has already turned down a committed relationship with you, you are correct – it does mean something.
It means he doesn’t respect the fact you broke up with him. It means you are in the hot-cold cycle, and he is currently blowing hot, to be followed by blowing cold should you pursue this. It means he wants to use you for what he can get. It means that if you continue to be in contact with him, he’ll assume you’ll agree to his conditions. It means that you will always be no. 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5).
I wouldn’t even call him in a few weeks, but that’s me.
I feel as if I am in a very similar situation. I have begun seeing a guy for a few months, who was initially a friend, whom I had suspected had feelings for me (these feelings were mutual). He has since told me that he really liked me, and we have began seeing each other. I went out with his friends, with whom I got on well and he mentioned that he had told his family about me. When we’re together he tells me he adores me, that he is glad he initiated things with me and that I am the only one for him. As I had known him before it seems out of character to say things he doesn’t mean. I asked mutual friends and they agreed. Nonetheless, he often cancels on seeing me (he always seems to rearrange this though). Recently, I was due to see him on Saturday, he cancels for Wednesday. Then late on Tuesday night I receive a message telling me he has had to unexpectedly travel the next day. The following day, when he should have spent eight hours travelling, he was on facebook. All day. Until 3AM. That journey must have been ever so tiring… We agree to meet up on Saturday. But by this point he has been invited to a party. I am contemplating calling him and asking him, as a friend, if he still wants to see me. Is this a good idea? I hate the idea that I may be being strung along. The answer might hurt, but I would much rather know. I do like him though, and hope this conversation might make him realise we need to match more.