1. He tells you. I know; talk about stating the obvious but, have you any idea how many women are actually told by a guy that they just want to have ‘fun’ and aren’t looking for a relationship? When a man says this, instead of rationalising and hoping that he will change his mind after the event, don’t and move on.
2. He is sexual towards you. When you’re out on a date, be wary of guy who turns the conversation down the sexual route too quickly. This is Fast Forwarding and it’s often ignored and mistaken for a strong attraction and connection. It’s that, ‘He just can’t help himself because he’s so into me’ syndrome. He’s not into you, he’s into the idea of shagging you. If he’s making a lot of sexual innuendos, steering the conversation onto sex, staring meaningfully at your breasts and crotch, it’s highly likely that he’s got one thing on his mind and it’s not getting to know you; it’s getting into your knickers. If you haven’t met him yet but there’s already sexual talk or even requests for nude photos or sexting, flush.
3. He tries to do more than a kiss on the first date. No matter how great the sparks are between you both, generally speaking, guys that really do like you can keep their penis in their pants and their hands above board for at least one evening….
4. He suggests that you become f*ck buddies, Friends With Benefits, casual-something-or-other. It’s not because he’s not ready for a relationship yet; it’s because he just wants to have sex and is emotionally unavailable too. That’s two not so great qualities for the price of…well…your sanity!
5. He expects something in return for taking you out to dinner and paying for the meal. There are guys that think: paid for date = getting laid that night. This is not much better than treating someone like a prostitute and certainly is not an indicator of a man that wants to forge a relationship with you.
6. He doesn’t want to try to get to know your personality. A guy doesn’t need to know what colour knickers you are wearing in order to get to know you. You’ll also find that a lot of the conversation is surface and that it tends to serve the greater purpose of making you feel comfortable enough… to have sex.
7. He seems to call only when it’s 1) dark, 2) late and 3) to arrange when to have sex. It is amazing how this can creep up on you and it’s only when you step back and think about when they’re calling and how much the relationship has progressed (relationships based around sex don’t progress) that you realise that you’re being used for sex.
8. Your ‘relationship’ hasn’t progressed past him buying you drinks/dinner and ending up in bed. It’s a permanent date. No matter what promise you thought this relationship had, it has faltered or come to a halt because the focal point is the sex. He’s not interested in building on anything other than his hard-on. If you try to do couplely things, he’s likely to be very uncomfortable or will go along with things but create conflict so he’s effectively sabotaging any chance of progress. Remember that with this type of guy, every time that think you may want, need, or expect too much, he’ll do something crappy.
9. He doesn’t want to do anything that involves talking to each other properly unless it leads to sex. Try having a conversation with him that reeks of two people in a ‘normal’ relationship and note his patent discomfort.
10. Once the sex is over, he makes a hasty exit. While some will stick around and dignify you with a cuddle, many don’t like to stay the night in case you think things are getting serious. The ones that do stay over and hang around, are astute enough to play the game to avoid creating conflict, but that doesn’t change the fact that they just want sex.
A rule of thumb is that if you feel like you’re being used, it’s because you are, and if it feels like it’s all about the sex or sex seems to dominate or you have to be reassured that it’s not just about the sex, it’s because it’s all about the sex.
If you find yourself being used for sex, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on (or all three), you should read my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.