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1. He tells you. I know; talk about stating the obvious but, have you any idea how many women are actually told by a guy that they just want to have ‘fun’ and aren’t looking for a relationship? When a man says this, instead of rationalising and hoping that he will change his mind after the event, don’t and move on.

2. He is sexual towards you. When you’re out on a date, be wary of guy who turns the conversation down the sexual route too quickly. This is Fast Forwarding and it’s often ignored and mistaken for a strong attraction and connection. It’s that, ‘He just can’t help himself because he’s so into me’ syndrome. He’s not into you, he’s into the idea of shagging you. If he’s making a lot of sexual innuendos, steering the conversation onto sex, staring meaningfully at your breasts and crotch, it’s highly likely that he’s got one thing on his mind and it’s not getting to know you; it’s getting into your knickers. If you haven’t met him yet but there’s already sexual talk or even requests for nude photos or sexting, flush.

3. He tries to do more than a kiss on the first date. No matter how great the sparks are between you both, generally speaking, guys that really do like you can keep their penis in their pants and their hands above board for at least one evening….

4. He suggests that you become f*ck buddies, Friends With Benefits, casual-something-or-other. It’s not because he’s not ready for a relationship yet; it’s because he just wants to have sex and is emotionally unavailable too. That’s two not so great qualities for the price of…well…your sanity!

5. He expects something in return for taking you out to dinner and paying for the meal. There are guys that think: paid for date = getting laid that night. This is not much better than treating someone like a prostitute and certainly is not an indicator of a man that wants to forge a relationship with you.

6. He doesn’t want to try to get to know your personality. A guy doesn’t need to know what colour knickers you are wearing in order to get to know you. You’ll also find that a lot of the conversation is surface and that it tends to serve the greater purpose of making you feel comfortable enough… to have sex.

7. He seems to call only when it’s 1) dark, 2) late and 3) to arrange when to have sex. It is amazing how this can creep up on you and it’s only when you step back and think about when they’re calling and how much the relationship has progressed (relationships based around sex don’t progress) that you realise that you’re being used for sex.

8. Your ‘relationship’ hasn’t progressed past him buying you drinks/dinner and ending up in bed. It’s a permanent date. No matter what promise you thought this relationship had, it has faltered or come to a halt because the focal point is the sex. He’s not interested in building on anything other than his hard-on. If you try to do couplely things, he’s likely to be very uncomfortable or will go along with things but create conflict so he’s effectively sabotaging any chance of progress. Remember that with this type of guy, every time that think you may want, need, or expect too much, he’ll do something crappy.

9. He doesn’t want to do anything that involves talking to each other properly unless it leads to sex. Try having a conversation with him that reeks of two people in a ‘normal’ relationship and note his patent discomfort.

10. Once the sex is over, he makes a hasty exit. While some will stick around and dignify you with a cuddle, many don’t like to stay the night in case you think things are getting serious. The ones that do stay over and hang around, are astute enough to play the game to avoid creating conflict, but that doesn’t change the fact that they just want sex.

A rule of thumb is that if you feel like you’re being used, it’s because you are, and if it feels like it’s all about the sex or sex seems to dominate or you have to be reassured that it’s not just about the sex, it’s because it’s all about the sex.

If you find yourself being used for sex, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on (or all three), you should read my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

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18 Responses to 10 Signs That A Guy Wants You Just For Sex

  1. It’s About Making Babies! » Blog Archive » Could it be ignorance? says:

    [...] Today’s entry, ‘10 Signs That a Guy Wants You Just For Sex‘, attempts to reassure women that it isn’t their imagination — there really are obstacles on the way to the altar. [...]

  2. probitionate says:

    Um… I hate to sound contrarian, but you’ve put a particular spin on this column and as a modern-minded, hopefully aware and perhaps enlightened male, I’m a bit mystified.

    First off, your title suggests several things. That just wanting someone for sex is inherently wrong. (For the record, I’ve never had ‘casual sex’. All the women I’ve gone to bed with, I’ve had relationships with. But even though I haven’t experienced it, I can appreciate how and why it happens.) And that it’s only men who do this. ‘Only want sex’. Yes, I appreciate that this blog is about dating and relationships, but as it’s also about ‘the single life’, don’t you think that this approach is… Well, I find it rather patronizing.

    Secondly, the point about ‘paid for date= getting laid that night’ begs the question ‘So what is your stance on this whole tradition of men automatically paying?’ There are male dating gurus out there who are vehement that it should *not* be the default, if only because it’s implied that the male is, in effect, paying for the woman’s company. Thoughts…?

    Thirdly…gee, I don’t know… There’s something about the very tone of the post that makes me- Hmm… I understand that you’re trying to disseminate common-sense material here for women who have, for the most part, been burned by dickhead men…but the tone is one of simplistic indulgence. I mean, seriously; are the women you’re talking to *that* naive? And if they are, how did they get that way? Having spent the better part of a decade in Britain, I saw on a daily basis the great range of girls becoming young women and their interaction with boys/young men and overheard countless conversations, yadda, yadda, yadda, so maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise to me that ‘evidently’ women need to have a column like this. But don’t you think that if they’re being ‘taken advantage of’ as adults by men who ‘just want sex’, that they should be made aware of this tendency by some males at a much earlier point in time? Or better yet, if there’s something in some women’s makeup that allows them to know they’re being ‘used’ as men’s casual sex partners, with all the associated pitfalls, that maybe this aspect of self-worth should be addressed?

    Sorry for the long comment but I felt the need; this is a huge issue and I guess I found your post a little too flippant…or facile.

  3. NML says:

    Probitionate – Thanks for your comment. In the context of this site, this is a very relevant post. This is for any woman who thinks she has something more when actually it is a lot less. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy wanting a woman just for sex but unfortunately that very often doesn’t get conveyed to the woman, which means that if she chooses to ignore the signs, she will believe things to be more than they are. I get a hell of a lot of emails from women who have ‘relationships’ with guys and are wondering why they are so unhappy. When they describe what is taking place, it is obvious to the outsider as to why it is not working. There are lots of posts on self-respect on this blog and you’re more than welcome to read them. All it took was for you to scroll down by one post… I don’t think I’m patronising – I’m addressing a particular aspect of dating and sex and if I didn’t think it was relevant and if I didn’t read so much about the very issue, clearly I wouldn’t be writing about it. Some stuff is obvious but that doesn’t make it any less worthy of being written. That’s like saying that I’m not allowed to point out that you should be bailing out of a relationship because a man is beating the shit out of you. Yes it’s obvious but there are a hell of a lot of women that stick around and there are a lot of people that have no aversion to having it spelt out for them.
    With regards to guys paying by default – it’s different strokes for different folks. If he invited her, he’ll generally pay but if she offers and he declines then he can’t exactly get his knickers in a twist over paying for the meal. In some cases we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t. We offer to pay for the meal or pay half and some guys will complain about being made to feel less than a man or that the woman is implying he can’t afford to pay for the date he invited her on. This is all based on first dates – what people do after that is there perogative. I always suggest that people judge every situation individually and always have money in their wallet…
    As for the earlier point in time, I generally deal with speaking to adults. By that time, much of the problem has already started.
    Ultimately this is a blog about dating and relationships. You’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to follow the editorial style that I have established on my blog. There are hundreds of posts on here on a variety of subjects – If you manage to find each one patronising I apologise…
    I must also point out – I worked for a magazine that revolutionised people’s use of computers. When it started out, it literally explained about taking the PC out of the box and plugging it in. Lots of hand holding stuff. Strangely enough it’s a huge magazine…

  4. tigerlilly says:

    I am one of those girls going on a first date, and i love this article because it told me what to be on my guard for. I myself, like a number if girls dont want sex on the first date and get nervous because we are afraid thats what theyll ask for This article tells us the many ways to tell before they even ask. So we can avoid really bad or sticky situations, and I say thank you to the writer of this article!

  5. tigerlilly says:

    I am one of those girls going on a first date, and i love this article because it told me what to be on my guard for. I myself, like a number if girls dont want sex on the first date and get nervous because we are afraid thats what theyll ask for This article tells us the many ways to tell before they even ask. So we can avoid really bad or sticky situations, and I say thank you to the writer of this article!

  6. tigerlilly says:

    I am one of those girls going on a first date, and i love this article because it told me what to be on my guard for. I myself, like a number if girls dont want sex on the first date and get nervous because we are afraid thats what theyll ask for This article tells us the many ways to tell before they even ask. So we can avoid really bad or sticky situations, and I say thank you to the writer of this article!

  7. [...] men are a waste of time. So, how’s a woman supposed to know when a man just wants you for sex? BaggageReclaim lists ten signs – some of them so obvious that it’s amazing that women miss them: 1. He tells [...]

  8. Maria says:

    well…. sorry to put a spin on it … but, you must already know before going on the first date what the guy is looking for …When you talk to the guy before agreeing to meet … Chat him up and you will know right off…. MSN is great … phone is ok… MSN they let loose and you can save the conversation to look at it later …. is he looking to take things easy? Is he the horny type? Is he into what you say? is he only into flirting with you (well, chances are he is very touchy feeling and is one of those that sex first then we will see) … also, to those nice guys that posted— and the author of the article… There are women who are only looking for sex as well…. so, in today’s world I think, women complaint on how man are but women are to blame for it …. So yeah, get the deal breaker before the first date and then decide if his game is one you will play….

    Because you have an active sex life and early start does not mean the guy will not fall for a girl … it only means 1 he is attracted to you, 2 he is scared to fall in love… it also might mean 3- he only wants a sexual relationship ….

    U decide the stakes of your game

    • Kim says:

      Maria, I agree with you to a point, the majority of the time if you have sex right off with men usually they don’t want to go any further. Regarding women who supposedly only want sex…they may say that initially but they usually end up wanting more from the guy….so I agree, WOMEN, WE ARE TO BLAME FOR HOW MEN ARE. If we stop giving away the milk, pretending sex is all we want, men would have to get their priorities straight and buy the cow, because if we know anything we know they WANT sex!!!!

      • Natty says:

        I agree with Kim’s point to an extent. I have dated quite a few guys whom I was only interested in sleeping with and nothing else, Iv’e dated guys I’ve slept with early on who I hoped to develop a relationship with but there just wasnt something quite right about them so I kept them as a casual thing for a while purely for sexual purposes and I’ve also dated a few guys who I started a casual fling but caught feelings, which is how I ended up in a back and forht situation with my ex EUM who was quite good at analysing my behaviour, telling me aobut it and then taking advantage of it! I was a willing participant for a while, but of course I came back to my senses. Recently I slept with a male friend who I mistakenly thought wanted more, but now has another girlfriend.
        I do think that women who are comfortable in themselves are completely capable of having sex without wanting a relationship.
        Its those whose are confusing sex with filling that hole inside themselves that are having problems.
        Getting to that understanding was a saving grace!

  9. uhhhhhhhh I have called this jerk and he lied once again saying he called me after I broke up with him lies. now he said he was busy. uhh im an idiot im done

  10. Jolie says:

    I think this article is very important and relavent. I think it is foolish to underestimate the almost innocent ability women have to believe and put trust in a man she likes. To struggle with fathoming the reality that he really is heartless and a user. How can an emotional person understand something so outside of their range of experience? That someone may use another human being as a semen recepticle. To a kind, innocent women it is almost unthinkable and even hard to believe when evidence is shown. For a man it can be easy to see, but women tend to think the best and see something that isn’t there or think to themselves, I could never do that to someone, how is it possible for someone to be so-so mean! It can’t be true!

    It’s sad really.

    • Dawn says:

      You hit the nail right on the head. The woman just can’t fathom the idea that a human being like this could really exist. She certainly wouldn’t do something so shallow as to use someone in this way-so how on earth could it be true??? Turns out It’s a brutal fact that men like this exist and a very bitter pill. Breaks my heart. It’s ugly and I just can’t stand it. It’s something that I have had the most unfortunate luck to run into 2x’s in my life. I just wish that it didn’t exist. But we all have to face the ugly realities of theis world.

    • DreY says:

      I had been in the position couple weeks ago. This article describe exactly what I went through 6 months ago. I thought there were something more so i hung on to it. Finally, I came around and felt so brutally hurt. I blame myself for being naive, not careful to lookout for someone like that out there. Now I’ve learned my hard lesson and try to end it civilly and move on.

  11. pj says:

    I hate to say it but I have been in a position where all of the points in this piece make sense. Especially now, after the fact. When you’re hoping that a ‘relationship’ will go further than sex, you’re sort of blinded by that. You set yourself up for the ‘something else’ part but it never happens. The sex is great so you go back for more. It’s only after you’ve questioned it over and over and have been crushed that you finally get the bright idea to stop the ‘relationship’. You can never tell how it’s going to pan out until you’re in it. Sometimes it takes a while to get brave enough to say, “I want more than being your f-buddy so I gotta end this.” Face it, we all love sex. Not fair to say it’s only the guy who wants it.

  12. Nikki says:

    Dear Probitionate,
    That you think the tone and content of Natalie’s post is patronising or facile is one thing, but don’t you think you take your ‘argument’ into areas that are outside of the scope and objective of the post itself and also the webiste. E.g. neither the post nor the website has any concern with ‘who should pay for dinner?’ (I think you’ll find most women are happy to pay their share but do not expect to feel beholden to a man – or anyone – because they accepted the gift of a meal.
    The purpose of the site (and the post) is to try to help prevent women from getting into relationships that serve them no good whatsover and to help them get out of once they have become embroiled. You are a man and are not vulnerable to male sexual predators – or to men who pretend to be interested in more than sex when they are not – women unfortunately are vulnerable – not thick – perhaps just to hopeful, and, as has been said, too ready to judge men (people) by their own standards.
    Of course there are women who are into casual sex with no strings; but I don’t think any of them are reading this web-site!! And no-one here is judging, but the women that are using this website have been damaged by their own and by mens’ unhealthy approaches to relationships or are sensibly trying to arm themselves to avoid the pitfalls.
    So I think most folk reading the post you refer to will welcome it whether they need its advice or not. You, plainly, do not, just as Newcastle doesn’t need coal. We don’t all live in Newcastle!
    Regards
    Nikki

  13. WhoopityDoo says:

    The first one made me laugh hecause that’s how it happened with my guy friend and me one late night at a bar haha and I was hoping though it was just his beer talking. But then he started texting me naughty things…I found it annoying because he wanted to talk about nothing else, but I still found him funny and cool otherwise. At least he was honest but there was one time where I felt bad, like I was not worth much and was contemlating on cutting all contact. Honestly, it was also creeping me out. He himself didn’t creep me out too much, if that makes sense, just felt he was at least acting like a creepy person would but he was better than that. Later, I found out more reasons why he was that way and I felt a little better that it wasn’ t just me. I admit I entertained the thought because I already had a crush on him, but no. Even cute guy friends can make you feel like a nobody….

    • anon guru says:

      i have a boyfriend like that… did my head in baaad hes put me off guys for a while, all u need are your girlfriends xx

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!