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1. He tells you. I know – Talk about stating the obvious but, have you any idea how many women are actually told by a guy that they just want to have ‘fun’ and aren’t looking for a relationship? When a man says this, instead of rationalising and hoping that he will change his mind after the event, don’t and move on.
2. He is sexual towards you. When you’re out on a date, be wary of guy who turns the conversation down the sexual route too quickly. This is over familiarity yet this often gets ignored and mistaken for a strong attraction and connection – That ‘He just can’t help himself because he’s so into me’ syndrome. He’s not into you, he’s into the idea of shagging you. If he is making a lot of sexual innuendo’s, steering the conversation onto sex, staring meaningfully at your breasts and crotch, it is likely that he has got one thing on his mind and it’s not getting to know you, it’s getting into your knickers.
3. He tries to do more than a kiss on the first date. No matter how great the sparks are between you both, generally speaking, guys that really do like you can keep their penis in their pants and their hands above board for at least one evening….
4. He suggests that you become f*ck buddies, FWF’s, casual-something-or-other. It’s not because he’s not ready for a relationship yet; it’s because he just wants to have sex and is likely to be emotionally unavailable too. That’s two not so great qualities for the price of…well…your sanity!
5. He expects something in return for taking you out to dinner and paying for the meal. There are guys that think: paid for date = getting laid that night. This is not much better than treating someone like a prostitute and certainly is not an indicator of a man that wants to forge a relationship with you.
6. He doesn’t want to try to get to know your personality. A guy doesn’t need to know what colour knickers you are wearing in order to get to know you. You’ll also find that a lot of the conversation is surface and that it tends to serve the greater purpose of making you feel comfortable enough to have sex.
7. He seems to call only when it’s 1) dark, 2) late and 3) to arrange when to have sex. It is amazing how this can creep up on you and it’s only when you step back and think about when they’re calling and how much the relationship has progressed (relationships based around sex don’t progress) that you realise that you’re being used for sex.
8. Your ‘relationship’ hasn’t progressed past him buying you drinks/dinner and ending up in bed. This is like being on a permanent date. No matter what promise you thought this relationship had, it has faltered or come to a halt because the focal point is the sex. He’s not interested in building on anything…other than his hard on. If you try to do couplely things, he’s likely to be very uncomfortable or will go along with things but create conflict so effectively sabotaging any chance of progress. Remember that with this type of guy, every time that think you may want, need, or expect too much, they’ll do something crappy.
9. He doesn’t want to do anything that involves talking to each other properly unless it leads to sex. Try having a conversation with him that reeks of two people in a ‘normal’ relationship and note his patent discomfort.
10. Once the sex is over, he makes a hasty exit. Whilst some will stick around and dignify you with a cuddle, many don’t like to stay the night in case you think things are getting serious. The ones that do stay over and hang around, are astute enough to play the game to avoid creating conflict, but that doesn’t change the fact that they just want sex.
If you find yourself being used for sex, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on (or all three), you should read my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
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Um… I hate to sound contrarian, but you’ve put a particular spin on this column and as a modern-minded, hopefully aware and perhaps enlightened male, I’m a bit mystified.
First off, your title suggests several things. That just wanting someone for sex is inherently wrong. (For the record, I’ve never had ‘casual sex’. All the women I’ve gone to bed with, I’ve had relationships with. But even though I haven’t experienced it, I can appreciate how and why it happens.) And that it’s only men who do this. ‘Only want sex’. Yes, I appreciate that this blog is about dating and relationships, but as it’s also about ‘the single life’, don’t you think that this approach is… Well, I find it rather patronizing.
Secondly, the point about ‘paid for date= getting laid that night’ begs the question ‘So what is your stance on this whole tradition of men automatically paying?’ There are male dating gurus out there who are vehement that it should *not* be the default, if only because it’s implied that the male is, in effect, paying for the woman’s company. Thoughts…?
Thirdly…gee, I don’t know… There’s something about the very tone of the post that makes me- Hmm… I understand that you’re trying to disseminate common-sense material here for women who have, for the most part, been burned by dickhead men…but the tone is one of simplistic indulgence. I mean, seriously; are the women you’re talking to *that* naive? And if they are, how did they get that way? Having spent the better part of a decade in Britain, I saw on a daily basis the great range of girls becoming young women and their interaction with boys/young men and overheard countless conversations, yadda, yadda, yadda, so maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise to me that ‘evidently’ women need to have a column like this. But don’t you think that if they’re being ‘taken advantage of’ as adults by men who ‘just want sex’, that they should be made aware of this tendency by some males at a much earlier point in time? Or better yet, if there’s something in some women’s makeup that allows them to know they’re being ‘used’ as men’s casual sex partners, with all the associated pitfalls, that maybe this aspect of self-worth should be addressed?
Sorry for the long comment but I felt the need; this is a huge issue and I guess I found your post a little too flippant…or facile.
Probitionate – Thanks for your comment. In the context of this site, this is a very relevant post. This is for any woman who thinks she has something more when actually it is a lot less. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy wanting a woman just for sex but unfortunately that very often doesn’t get conveyed to the woman, which means that if she chooses to ignore the signs, she will believe things to be more than they are. I get a hell of a lot of emails from women who have ‘relationships’ with guys and are wondering why they are so unhappy. When they describe what is taking place, it is obvious to the outsider as to why it is not working. There are lots of posts on self-respect on this blog and you’re more than welcome to read them. All it took was for you to scroll down by one post… I don’t think I’m patronising – I’m addressing a particular aspect of dating and sex and if I didn’t think it was relevant and if I didn’t read so much about the very issue, clearly I wouldn’t be writing about it. Some stuff is obvious but that doesn’t make it any less worthy of being written. That’s like saying that I’m not allowed to point out that you should be bailing out of a relationship because a man is beating the shit out of you. Yes it’s obvious but there are a hell of a lot of women that stick around and there are a lot of people that have no aversion to having it spelt out for them.
With regards to guys paying by default – it’s different strokes for different folks. If he invited her, he’ll generally pay but if she offers and he declines then he can’t exactly get his knickers in a twist over paying for the meal. In some cases we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t. We offer to pay for the meal or pay half and some guys will complain about being made to feel less than a man or that the woman is implying he can’t afford to pay for the date he invited her on. This is all based on first dates – what people do after that is there perogative. I always suggest that people judge every situation individually and always have money in their wallet…
As for the earlier point in time, I generally deal with speaking to adults. By that time, much of the problem has already started.
Ultimately this is a blog about dating and relationships. You’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to follow the editorial style that I have established on my blog. There are hundreds of posts on here on a variety of subjects – If you manage to find each one patronising I apologise…
I must also point out – I worked for a magazine that revolutionised people’s use of computers. When it started out, it literally explained about taking the PC out of the box and plugging it in. Lots of hand holding stuff. Strangely enough it’s a huge magazine…
I am one of those girls going on a first date, and i love this article because it told me what to be on my guard for. I myself, like a number if girls dont want sex on the first date and get nervous because we are afraid thats what theyll ask for This article tells us the many ways to tell before they even ask. So we can avoid really bad or sticky situations, and I say thank you to the writer of this article!
I am one of those girls going on a first date, and i love this article because it told me what to be on my guard for. I myself, like a number if girls dont want sex on the first date and get nervous because we are afraid thats what theyll ask for This article tells us the many ways to tell before they even ask. So we can avoid really bad or sticky situations, and I say thank you to the writer of this article!
I am one of those girls going on a first date, and i love this article because it told me what to be on my guard for. I myself, like a number if girls dont want sex on the first date and get nervous because we are afraid thats what theyll ask for This article tells us the many ways to tell before they even ask. So we can avoid really bad or sticky situations, and I say thank you to the writer of this article!
well…. sorry to put a spin on it … but, you must already know before going on the first date what the guy is looking for …When you talk to the guy before agreeing to meet … Chat him up and you will know right off…. MSN is great … phone is ok… MSN they let loose and you can save the conversation to look at it later …. is he looking to take things easy? Is he the horny type? Is he into what you say? is he only into flirting with you (well, chances are he is very touchy feeling and is one of those that sex first then we will see) … also, to those nice guys that posted— and the author of the article… There are women who are only looking for sex as well…. so, in today’s world I think, women complaint on how man are but women are to blame for it …. So yeah, get the deal breaker before the first date and then decide if his game is one you will play….
Because you have an active sex life and early start does not mean the guy will not fall for a girl … it only means 1 he is attracted to you, 2 he is scared to fall in love… it also might mean 3- he only wants a sexual relationship ….
U decide the stakes of your game
Maria, I agree with you to a point, the majority of the time if you have sex right off with men usually they don’t want to go any further. Regarding women who supposedly only want sex…they may say that initially but they usually end up wanting more from the guy….so I agree, WOMEN, WE ARE TO BLAME FOR HOW MEN ARE. If we stop giving away the milk, pretending sex is all we want, men would have to get their priorities straight and buy the cow, because if we know anything we know they WANT sex!!!!
uhhhhhhhh I have called this jerk and he lied once again saying he called me after I broke up with him lies. now he said he was busy. uhh im an idiot im done