It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
In episode 48, I cover:
Making a start with building your self-esteem: One of my most frequently asked questions is, How do I build my self-esteem? and I talk about why it’s about getting started from wherever you’re at and making small, regular contributions. | 100 Days of Baggage Reclaim ebook
Why him/her and not me?: It can feel very painful when we not only hear that an ex has moved on but when we diminish us by convincing ourselves that they’re living the fairy tale and being a better person in a better relationship. I talk about some of the reasons why we feel this way including feeling territorial about our investment and conflating the fact that they’ve moved on with our worth or the fact that it must mean that we are ‘to blame’. I share some tips for beginning to move forward so that this pain doesn’t become a distraction from taking the next step with moving forward with our own life.
Articles on Baggage Reclaim related to ‘Why them and not me?’
When you’re afraid they’ll become a better person in a better relationship, without you
He’s with someone else – Why her and not me?
‘Why him/her and not me?’ Not everything is about us!
Do you have a Replacement Mentality?
The Replacement Mentality: But WHY did they go back to their toxic ex when they could have had me?
Don’t Be The Bridge Between Someone’s Old & New Relationship
Return On Investment in Relationships
‘I Can Change Him’ Syndrome/Fixer-Uppers
Betting On Potential – Are You Gambling On a Relationship Capacity That Doesn’t Exist?
Betting On Potential in Relationships
There’s no need for someone to announce their dislike: It baffles me when people go out of their way to clobber people with their personal opinions, such as feeling that they have to let someone know that they don’t like them or letting them know their opinion about their appearance or other judgements about how they feel others should live.
Listener Question: This week Alison wants to know if she has a right to feel as bad as she does after cutting contact with her best friend due to her being in love with him?
What I Learned This Week: I don’t have to do everything.
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Nat xxx
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Lovely post kept up the amazing work your doing
Thanks so much for answering my question, Natalie (I completely fan-girled when I saw you had chosen my question to feature in your podcast!), I really appreciate it. Everything you said is spot on and I have confided in my best friend in the interim, my sister is going through something similar herself too and both have helped immensely and been very supportive. Still NC with the the friend in question, but feeling better every day and working through it. Thank you again. Alison.
My pleasure Alison S. Glad to have made you smile! I really felt for you and am thrilled to hear that you finally letting it all out and letting people in. As you’ve discovered, you are very far from being alone! Big hugs to you xxx
Best of luck to Molly.
thanks for this Nat. even though I’m in a much better relationship with a much better person I do feel somewhat bitter about how quickly my ex moved on , after claiming he probably would never have another relationship because he was heartbroken from his last major relationship he then ended up actually dating the next girl after four years of nothingness with me where I had just come to accept that he doesn’t do relationships and maybe I didn’t either so it worked for me until it didn’t. he is actually by the little I hear as terrible at actual relationships as he was at our casual one but I am still angered by the injustice of him seemingly always landing on his feet while dragging everyone else’s hearts through the mud but the truth is I don’t know how he feels or what he goes through at night when he is all alone , maybe it does wear on him and mostly I hope one day I just won’t care about what he realises or feels or never feels because he is not connected to me anymore. thanks for the reminder to not get wrapped in my wounded ego and enjoy what I have going now, which is good.
If you’re the Kookie I remember, it’s a good thing that your ex has moved on…he’s someone else’s problem now. Shady people always move on super duper quick. They haven’t got a conscience holding them back! How are they gonna press the reset button if they hang around and actually reflect on their actions? But don’t hold on to that bitterness. You’re not in charge of his karma. You’ve taken responsibility for your side of the street and have evolved your self-esteem and are now in a way better relationship. You weren’t responsible for how he behaved and his behaviour was downright abusive, but don’t victimise you further with bitterness because you’re renting out space in your head to give him power over you that he doesn’t have. What he does or does not learn is only his problem and whoever else he gets involved. What you know for sure is that it’s not your problem.