Reading the recent guest post by Trish where her Mr Unavailable made a lot of noise about them spending Christmas together and then went dark on her the day before and spent it with his ex wife and ex girlfriend and went on to subsequently mess her around for another couple of Christmases, it begs the question of:
Why does someone pretend that they’re going to be and do more than they actually intend to?
Why does someone talk about the future (often unprompted), make plans with you, and take you down a merry path of believing them, when in actual fact, they have no intention of coming anything close to doing any of these things?
My inbox is filling up with emails from women and men who are bewildered by the deceptiveness of people they’ve been involved with. I think, as Trish found out, faking a future with you, particularly at a time of year when everyone around you seems to be making plans is downright nasty.
But telling porkies isn’t just for Christmas; this happens all year round when you’re involved with someone who is reactive and inclined to say and do what they need to, to get what they want.
From the cheater that says ‘You know my situation and of course I’m gonna leave her and be with you!’ to the guy that says ‘So what are we doing this Christmas?’ and then disappears days before resurfacing after Christmas has passed and pretending that nothing happened or that you misunderstood, to the guy who says ‘I want us to be together every day – give up the lease on your flat and let’s move in together’ only to suddenly be ‘overwhelmed’, ‘busy’, or ‘unsure about us’, there are plenty of people getting caught short by Other People’s Fantasies.
Why do people fake a future with you? Because right now, in the present, they get what they want.
There are probably two sets of people who engage in these damaging fantasies:
The ones who intentionally say and do the right things so that they get what they want. Maybe they benefit financially, get their ego stroked, a shag, a shoulder to lean on, less hassle about them delivering on promises, whatever. These people are especially passive aggressive because they appear to be going along with you when all the while, they’re creeping around behind your back doing something else so that they do what they always intended to do anyway.
Then there are the ones who meant it as much as they could mean it at the time. They want to believe that they’ll do these things but due to their overall nature of having actions that don’t match words, they’re reactive and very Out Of Sight/Out of Mind and so the moment that the dust settles a little and the realisation dawns that they have to commit to what they have said and follow through, they panic and extricate themselves out of things either in a dramatic manner by just disappearing for example, or by subtly, and passive aggressively shifting their way out of things. Maybe they orchestrate a fight by behaving like a jackass so that you react and then they can find an excuse to dodge whatever bullet they’re trying to dodge.
Future fakers say and do what they need to, to minimise confrontation and obstacles that prevent them from getting what they want.
Let’s be real: If they were up front and didn’t make plans, there would be confrontation and they wouldn’t get what they want.
The thing is, either way, it’s shoddy, sh*tty behaviour that has a devastating impact on the person that takes them at their word.
If the cheat said ‘Actually, I have no intention of leaving my wife and all we’re ever going to do is shag a couple of times a week and meet up for the occasional lunch with texts and emails thrown in inbetween’, you might think it was a bum deal and opt out.
What you have to realise with the type of person who would actually fake a future with you is that much like with assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s not just being born yesterday, neither is the person that fakes a future.
It’s not a one off! They’ve done it before. They don’t wake up at 35 or 44 or 53 or whatever and think ‘Oh I’ll just start lacking in integrity and leading people on a merry dance’ – they’re always overstating and then having to extricate themselves out of awkward situations.
They’re practised at it.
How do I know? Because the type of people that fake a future with you take no responsibility for the fact that you get drawn into their illusions. It’s one thing if you’re coming up with your own illusions and adding two and two and making ten because you’re getting carried away and not sanity checking your ideas.
However, what amazes me, is that people who fake a future often don’t have to say and do the things that they do. They don’t have to say they want to marry you, move in, spend Christmas together, have babies, spend every waking moment with you, love and cherish you and bla, bla, bla, but they do.
This arises when they’re in a ‘hot’ phase where they feel desire and excitement and fall into their pattern.
The booby trap comes in when after they have blown hot and you have been drawn in, they become frightened that you may expect, want, or need too much based on what they have said and done, so they manage down your expectations by blowing cold or lukewarm.
People who fake futures are users and flip flappers. You’ll never know where you are with them.
They create the mess and then take no responsibility for it, claiming ‘You’ve got the wrong idea’ or ‘I don’t know what gave you that impression’ and when you’re blindsided by the shift in their behaviour (and trust me you will be), you might become filled with self-doubt and believe them which will be the start of a ride down a slippery slope where you feel you can’t trust yourself or call them on their behaviour.
You can’t always protect yourself from people like this because depending on what stage the first ‘fake off’ gets discovered, it might be the first time you see a major sign of a red flag of trouble.
But remember that the ‘fake off’ is just another example of someone whose actions don’t match their words.
This is why it’s important to acknowledge and process the fact that someone is all talk and very little action, or that their behaviour may even be intense and too fast – something that you’d normally be uncomfortable with under other circumstances or have even experienced before. Listen to the warning signs!
If you’re used to them saying one thing and doing another, make sure that when they discuss anything big with you, you get them definitively on it and make concrete plans so that if and when things go t*ts up, they can’t pull the ‘You misunderstood me’ line on you.
And always make sure there are consequences because if they think for one moment that they have gotten away with it, it won’t be the last time you put up with their fakey ways.
Being involved with people like this who don’t always reveal their ways immediately, means that you may not be able to avoid them pulling a stunt on you, but if you make sure you keep your feet firmly in reality, have boundaries, and call them on their behaviour, you can implement damage control rather than buying into subsequent lies and illusions to try to make the previous illusions true.
If you’ve already been caught out by a future faker, my heart goes out to you and whatever you do, do not blame yourself for the fact that someone has behaved in this manner towards you. If it’s happening to you now, step back and take refuge with people who have more integrity and care about them, such as family and friends.
If you’re worried that you’re with a future faker and think you’re about to have a disappointment thrown your way, take control of the situation and don’t wait for them to determine how you spend the Christmas/Holidays. Call them up and double confirm your plans…have a plan B ready.
Ultimately, stay away from future fakers who aside from messing with your mind and your plans, are flakey, deceptive, and lacking in empathy for you. If you’re with someone fake, they build fake sand castles in the sky and if you’re serious about being happy, you won’t be happy with someone who can’t keep it real and act with love, care, respect, and trust. People who do have genuine good intentions are uncomfortable saying that they can be and do more than they’re capable of and will be keen to keep it real with you so you can have a real relationship.
Your thoughts?
My ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is my guide to understanding the dynamic between emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them and is available to buy and download.
For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service. Don’t forget, you can now use the forum and social network to chat with other readers. Follow Baggage Reclaim on Twitter too.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Hi aphrogirl î”
I have to say i agree with you about these morons not having enough courage to keep it real and act like grown ups.
I often watched my X flip out, turn something really easy and small into a huge drama, or something that could have been resolved with a simple chat turn into an epic scale drama because instead of just talking about it (which I was doing) he chose to shut down from days to weeks. The clincher is that I was then blamed for his misery and it was all my fault for bringing something up. This started to teach me that bringing up an issue = punishment by my X going cold, taking the dream away and most importantly putting our relationship on the line. I think these AC’s love drama and make everything more difficult and messy then it ever needs to be. What a joke !!!!
Gayle–
Thank you for the concern.
Answer: I don’t, not anymore! No Christmas cards to the main troublemaker, either!
Happy New Year!
My best friend was with a future faker for over a year. He was married and got her pregnant after promising he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She was totally taken in by it all but he literally cut off all contact with her from the moment he found out. The rest is history but it has taken her a long long time to recover. The man is no longer in her life but i know that there isn’t a day that goes by, almost 2 years on when she doesn’t think about it and still struggles to understand how someone could do that to another person. The irony is that when his wife found out she said that my friend had tricked her husband – little did she know that my friend was being deceived and lied to as much as she was. Had she known his real intentions and the true status of his relationship with his wife she would have ended the relationship before it had such devastating consequences.
Oh my GOD, Natalie, I wish I read this post ten days ago!!! How do you know all this??? IT is exactly my situation, and I am so depressed about it…My AC disappered before Christmas, saying that his brother came to visit him, when it was New Year celebration, two days before that he was sent to Africa, by his boss! HE cant even lie properly, or he thinks I am that stupid to believe him??? AND still want him:-( I just want to die, I thought New Year I will be free of him, but no, I am still in the same board and still FBG!!!
I was with a future faker, but one that was one of “the ones who meant it as much as they could mean it at the time” because he’s immature and knew nothing about love (and probably still doesn’t)
I saw hints for a couple of occassions and once i asked myself if its normal to be so upset on a daily basis bacause he’s always unavailable and only spoke on the phone when it was convenient for him. I spoke to my best friends and ended it before I went on hols for a month so that I could start 2010 fresh. And it seemed like he was as relieved as I was, meaning he was just in the relationship being an a** until I ended things myself.
When I randomly met him at a seminar, things went so fast and he traveled down 4 hours just to see me for a few hours every week, spoke about me being the first girl to get to meet his parents, that he could have been falling in love with me blah blah….
Lets just say after 4 months when i mentioned meeting his friends (i only met two of them after 4 months!) or his family, he snapped and denied all forms of commitment and demanded I should show more commitment by having sex (I had said we should hold out – good decision!) and…..by telling my parents (?!!!). I think that just did it for me and if he was trying to piss me off, it worked.
I never really understood the guy. I kept thinking of how good “he was” before and felt guilty for not chasing him back….so in the end I made lots of effort and I gave it a shot until he showed almost no reason for me to be with him. So basically when guys start behaving this way, its already worthless from his side so no matter how good you are, he’ll not change at that moment in time!
Remember not to blame yourself girls! As long as you did your bit, you’re not to blame for their bad behavior – that’s an issue they will have to deal with in future. When a REAL guy who cares for you comes into your life you wont need to think about these things, as NML said… he will ACT and not SAY.
This is the most amazing post ever as this is what I have been asking for ages!
Thank you so much.
WOOOOOOW. you just wrote down a really well-said description of this guy i used to date.
he was the type of guy who would text me for a few days straight, call me up on the phone, then disappear for a week. it took him around 2 months before finally asking me out on a date. he’d tell me we should do this and that and of course, those things never happened. when i stopped replying to his texts he started ‘chasing’ me back and when i finally said i just found him too ‘random’ he said it was because he was busy and he had a lot of activities then just stopped replying. the next day he texted me again like everything was just normal. that’s when i finally came to my senses and told him to stop asking me out.
it took me months to finally cut him off from my life. but lesson well learned indeed.
thank you for this wonderful post.
Whoa, is this true! My EUM would get really upset if I “obsessed” (his words) over something he said. Yes, I would analyze it. Maybe to extremes, but he was blowing hot and cold and I was forced to analyze his words. Which meant, I would “find him out.” Which he didn’t want. But yet, he felt it was ok for HIM to “read between lines.” He just didn’t like it when I did it.
I dare anyone to top my future faker story, it’s quite a doozy. I met a man online in a chat forum, when both of us were unhappy in our marriages, and because we were going through similar situations, we started corresponding. However, what started out as an innocent friendship soon turned into a full-blown emotional affair – he being the major pursuer at first. I had been unhappy in my marriage but hadn’t really entertained the notion of leaving until I met Mr. Future Faker, but it felt like a true cosmic soulmate connection – it blew us both away how similar we were. Pretty soon, he was telling me he loved me, I was his one and only soulmate, he thought about me night and day, and actually convinced me that we should both leave our spouses to be with each other – he was in another country, but because of his children, wanted me to move there – he was even talking visas and how he could help get me a job. We were even making plans to meet up after our separations were official. So I left my husband….but at the last minute he had a change of heart and said he still loved his wife and couldn’t bear to hurt his children…funny how that could be after telling me they essentially lived like roomates for years…and told me never to contact him again. But my marriage was essentially over anyway, so in a sense, it was the catalyst I needed to get out….but I still can’t understand how someone’s feelings could change that fast….I’m still reeling and can’t quite fathom what has happened to my life in such a short time. Boy, I feel sorry for his wife….she’s got herself one messed up man, and she actually took him back after she found out about us (my husband never clued in) but I guess she has to live with him, not me – he did me a huge favor actually -better to realize his bipolar nature now than later if I had actually got together with him….what a relief! But it also hurts a lot too, because in many ways, at the time, I felt he was my one and only true love…..that’s a hard feeling to shake.
I was sucked in by a future faker. It was the most horribly 4 months of my life. He was my high school sweetheart- he came back into my life now (he’s 28 and I’m 26) years later while he was going through a divorce. I got it all- I love you, and I think I have for years- I should have married you- if I hadn’t joined the Army I know we’d be together and married and happy-
He came into town- we talked as old friends and then he swept me off my feet. Asked me to move with him to Colorado next year, said he wanted us to have kids together in the future (4 to be exact and yes we even disscused babies names), we drove around are hometown and he showed me this neighborhood he would love for us to live in one day- bla bla bla.
He goes home and then I hoped on the craziest 4 month roller coaster of my life. I just couldn’t get off because every time I did he’d suck me back in.
Low and behold now he is with some new girl he met- hahah get this 2 days after he left here. He was my first love and now the first guy who really destroyed me.
He was the King of up’s and downs. He ruined my self esteem and broke my heart in a way I didn’t know was possible.
It has been 2 months since I’ve talked to him- I’m still very much healing- it is so hard and I really don’t know how I will ever feel completely good- but I’m just acknowldging that these things take time.
Megan, thanks for sharing your story. Stay strong – just remember you are a good person, and he is emotionally bankrupt and does not deserve you. After my emotional affair ended with my future faker, after a few days of hurt and bewilderment, I suddenly felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and now am so glad he is gone. He was dragging me down and ruining my self-respect, but now am starting to feel healthy and positive again that I deserve to find a man who will treat me as I deserve to be treated.
My ex AC always disappeared around holidays and yes, acted as if he didn’t realize or I had misunderstood that we would be together. If I called, he would be out of town or busy doing something with a guy friend and act as if he was so surprised I was expecting him. He would say things, then pretend it never happened, accuse me of dreaming it up or over-analyzing things he’d said to the point of twisting them. He would say I was crazy. He even dated two other women while he lived with me and said to me that I misunderstood our relationship if I thought it was that type of relationship and he could do what he wanted. It was always just about him and making things work for him,everyone else be damned. I also feel like a huge weight came off of me when it ended for good.
I got sucked in by a future faker…they are so hard to resist…especially the ones who become MORE persistent the more you dismiss their comments. My future faker talked about introducing me to his Mother (who lives in another country), having a baby together, where we would be in two, three, five years time….and all of this just three or four months into the relationship…I resisted, resisted, resisted..and he persisted, persisted, persisted….but almost as soon as I gave in and said “ok I’m in…I believe you” it was like a switch went off…it was like all of a sudden there were real expectations growing out of his fake words and that is when things started to change….plans would be abandoned at the last minute, there were excuses as to why he couldn’t see me…and when I expressed hurt or disappointment I was painted as being “too needy” or “too clingy”….time passed and he told me he loved me SOOOOOO much that he had to break up with me because he knew he would just hurt me down the line….I saw all the (fake) dreams he had presented to me fall away into nothing and I grieved the loss of this “perfect” love…what did I do? why did I let this happen? If only I had been less needy, less pushy, more patient and understanding and tolerant….a month later I found out he had been seeing at least one other woman for the latter part of our relationship…it hurt terribly…I felt so ashamed of myself and so betrayed…I’m still trying to get over that sense that I was fooled my someone I really cared about…even now he still denies that he cheated in the face of a BIG amount of evidence (including photos she posted of them together)…I know I will be ok…and I’m glad I’m no longer building my hopes on a fake future…I have no doubt she is hearing stories of trips to visit Mother and beautiful children as we speak.
Well…my FF was my ‘first love’ returned after 25 years. He reached out to me, I was in a bad relationship anyway, and jumped at the chance for some ‘happiness’…you know the rest, 2 months in asking me if I could love his kids like ‘my own’, etc. Now here we are 4 months after this conversation, I had to cut him loose after he told me he has ‘unresolved’ feelings for his ex gf – the same ex gf that prompted the question about kids, he says she never got along with them, so he thought it would be great for them and I to be one big happy family!! uuurrghhh!!! I am so OVER THIS!!! FF’s SUCK the life out of you!!
I know this is an older post but it is the one I needed to read. Actually, I am new to your site but I couldn’t have found it at a better time. I have tried other self-help books, talked to friends and obsessed about my commitment phobic, momma’s boy ex for months. What I really needed was the slap in the face wake up call that your site provides. I didn’t need to be told to let go in love, I needed to see him for what he really is. I had been holding on for months, continuing to see him as a good guy, needing to believe that what he did wasn’t so bad. I bought his lines – he was “too good for me”, I was “out of his league”, he didn’t want to hurt me – all the lines you included in the great posts on translating what he means. He is an assclown and I tried way to hard to hold onto him in order to validate myself. I was going to be the one to fix him, change him, win him. What finally, really got me was the post on faking a future. That’s what he did. He pretended we would be together in the long run. He implied that he was interested in long term, when he couldn’t see past the next five minutes. He asked me over 50 times to go away with him to his home country. I didn’t trust my gut and justified to myself that he wouldn’t be asking if he didn’t want me to go. So I booked a ticket. Literally the second I did, things changed and he began to run in the other direction. When I finally landed, he literally hid behind his mommy till I left, then immediately came back with “lets be friends” and held on tight. I have since cut off contact with him (over 5 weeks and counting) and feel sane for the first time since I met him. The problem is we work very closely together and in 4 weeks he will be back in my life on a daily basis. I had been struggling with whether to “be friends” but realized immediately that it was just my attempt to hold on to the hope of a future that I now know can never exist. If I am honest, I knew deep down all along this wasn’t going to work out but was too afraid to question, didn’t want to “scare him off”. I wish I had found your site sooner – not because it would have saved the relationship (it can’t be saved) but I might have had the strength to walk away sooner and keep more of my self-respect. Keep writing. Keep being honest. Believe me – you helped me and judging from the other posts, you really helped others. Thank you.
anonymous
my story is very simmilar to yours.i know how much it hurts to pin your hopes of a better life on someone only to be let down, my heart goes out to you because i also met a future faker.
I met my AC while he was working in my country. He was single and handsome, so loving and so kind towards what id been thru in my marriage. it seemed like i really had a chance to be happy with someone again. We saw each other everyday for 10 months and my little girl adored him. When his contract ended and he had to leave he asked me to go with him back to his country but i couldn’t because of my job and i wasn’t ready to give up everything, but he came back to see me and two months later i went to see him. Although there were red flags, he was seen around with other girls and would be terribly controlling, i was so blinded by the love i felt for him. In December last year he asked me to move to him again, and when i finally accepted, quit my job and gave up my apartment, he wrote to me a month later (after becoming distant) to tell me that i cannot come because he is not the man i think he is, that he is not ready for the commitment. This is after promising me the earth moon and sun for 10 months. Saying that he was ready to be like a father to my child and to love and care for us. I was so heartbroken and left with nothing, i cut off all contact with him from that day. Even if i wanted to try and move on, 10 weeks later he started calling saying how sorry he was and how he wants to make things work. I stupidly forgave him That was in Feb and we talked everyday since then and he made plans to come see me in august. A month ago he got cold and distant again calling less and less and when i asked him he said he was busy and we haven’t seen each other for so long maybe that’s why. So 2 weeks ago we were chatting n i told him not to come if he couldn’t be as loving as he was because he had changed towards me, i said this hoping that he would try to be nicer, but he never even replied and i never heard from him again. So its been 2 weeks NC again, ive deleted him from all my contacts and trying to be strong. i even recently found he had been sleeping with a lot of other women while he was in my country we’re a very small community, all the while seeing me and asking me to never leave him and telling me how i’m the one. Why do men do these things and im praying i will be strong to tell him where to go should i ever hear from him again. It hurts but i know i need to move on.
im thankful for this site, its been my bible for the last 2 weeks and i wish all the women out there in similar situations much strength and love. things will only get better for us, i truly believe that.
I’m sorry for all your pain, it sounds like you’ve been on an emotional and financial roller coaster.
Now here’s the tough part. These men treat us like this because we let them. The information is there. They have mistreated us and slept with other women, but we choose to hope they will change, without looking at the evidence they have repeatedly provided.
I am not trying to be harsh, but this guy has really put you and your child through the wringer, you have to put the two of you first, and recognize this is who this man is.
Keep reading and posting for support, it will be come clear with time.