Livia asks: Like many of your readers, I came to the realisation that I’ve dated an emotionally unavailable man (Mr Unavailable) for 6 years, plus I’ve realised that he’s not the only one in my past. I recently broke up with him, and I’m committed to that decision (finally!). I’ve been working on my own emotional availability, boundaries, fear of commitment and unhealthy patterns of behavior. And as I proceed, I feel as if I was living in fog for years, and it’s clearing now little by little. It feels great!
But with that I am also starting to face an issue that is difficult for me to manage. I feel very ashamed and guilty for letting myself down and allowing unpleasant things to happen to me over and over again for years. To make things worse, I know what I should theoretically be doing (in short, accept that my old self didn’t know better and that I’m human who makes errors and learns), but as I’m failing in the attempt to apply that knowledge in reality, I’m creating a vicious circle of ‘should’ and shame. How do I break that cycle?
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Something I often say to people is that it only takes one. I have been in one mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust and respect, and it’s with the man I’m now married to. I’ve been out with pretty much every variation of both of my parents, and I’ve been in all of the types of unavailable relationship, and I did this all by twenty-eight. I tell you this because it would be easy to have written myself off, figuring that no one would want me and that with a 100% track record of ‘failure’, that I was doomed.
Adulthood is about unlearning all of the unproductive and downright harmful habits of thinking and behaviour so we can become who we truly are.
You would not know what is or isn’t working for you and you would not know where you need to adapt and change (become more of who you are and help instead of harming yourself) without painful and frustrating experiences.
You can’t know who you are without discovering who you’re not.
Also, you can’t know what feels good and right for you without having discovered what doesn’t work.
Life cannot be all the same. It needs variance, flavour, ups and downs. It’s only with the benefit of hindsight that you will understand the significance of this time.
You are unfolding. You are emerging.
Every relationship is a stepping stone to the one where you’re truly meant to be. Relationships expose our wounds and show us where we need to heal, grow and learn. Fear, pain, guilt, stowed away baggage that you’ve forgotten that you buried or have tried to keep a lid on, surfaces in our relationships.
What we don’t sort out in one relationship, we will sort out in another.
What we learn from our relationships gets put to good use in another. We can only know what we’re carrying around through our relationships. This isn’t just with romantic ones; it’s all of our interpersonal relationships. Hence why I hear from so many people who say very similar things to you, only it’s about their boss, co-worker, friend, etc.
You are being cracked open by your experiences.
Yes, it’s painful, but if confronting certain things causes discomfort, it’s a sign they need to come out. With self-care, which can include support from third parties, you can can get through this. Long-time readers know I have a kinesiologist, acupuncturist and a few other sage people in my life who have helped me along in my journey.
The antidote to shame is compassion.
Shaming you over your past isn’t going to motivate you to move forward. Patience, tolerance, kindness, empathy, acknowledgement and a willingness to reach for a different feeling and thought from shame, propel you forward. Billions of people have been and done things that, in retrospect, they wonder the equivalent of, Was I smoking crack?
It would be wonderful if we could know everything up front without experience. It’s experience, though, that gives you experience, knowledge and courage.
Our greatest pains often contain our greatest growths.
There are very specific things that have happened in your past that have brought you to this juncture. To shame you is to deny the journey your younger self has taken. You did not get to this point by accident. And, yes, you have made choices, but so has everyone. Until you recognise that you’re using habits of thinking and behaviour that don’t serve you, you can’t make better, evolved choices. You’re not ever going to make perfect choices, but every day of awareness you have about this fog you’ve been in is a day out of your pattern and a day of building new habits of thinking and behaviour. Patterns happen when we’re living unconsciously. Choosing more of what you do with a greater level of awareness is a pattern breaker.
It’s also important to note that this is about commitment, which is making a decision. No commitment comes with every itty-bitty detail laid out. You have to make the decision and choose it each day with supporting actions and thoughts. Sure, you will have an idea of certain things that you will do, but the rest is about showing up and trying.
If you put your hand on your heart and ask yourself what is really happening here, you will also see that fear has come to call via your inner critic who wants to keep you in your comfort zone.
Your inner critic has one function and one function only, and that’s to criticise. If you listened to its shoulds, it would soon criticise you for doing so. When you try to listen to your inner whisperings, it shames you over your past and throws up a load of, well, crap.
Your inner critic isn’t you. It’s critical noise that’s like a recording of old criticisms that gets activated by you trying to be different. Don’t let it hold you back. Talk to it. Be your boss.
‘Shoulds’ are rules, which are counterfeit principles.
Where there are ‘shoulds’, you find guilt and it ends up, if you focus on it, pinning you to the past. Rules are based on guilt and pain over what you feel is a past screw-up, but all that’s going to happen is you will have a wall up. The fear of what could go wrong will still remain. It would be better for you to be boundaried so that you can forgive you and move forward.
The antidote to ‘should’ is authentic desire. Choose what you want to do instead of doing things because it’s what you think is expected of you.
Shame showed up because you’re making progress.
Instead of participating in the shame conversation when it comes a knocking at your door, consciously respond to it. It’s thoughts and feelings triggered by certain actions you’re taking, not a court order.
Also, check in with yourself about what you’re afraid of doing next. It sounds like fear of moving on to the next stage of your life is hidden in this thought process.
Keep a Feelings Diary, write Unsent Letters (you can get both of these guides from the downloads area) and write to your younger self (you can get the guide here). I recommend these along with any additional support you might seek, such as therapy, because they give you perspective which allows to let go so you can move forward. Acceptance gets you out of stuck.
Use the Feelings Diary or general journaling to note your triggers for shame.
What were you thinking, feeling, doing? What was going on around you? You can then respond more consciously because you know your cues and triggers for shame. Notice what shaming yourself helps you avoid. There may be other feelings layered beneath shame or it might be an action you don’t have to take. This is how you break the cycle. You allow yourself to become more conscious, aware and present.
Remember, whatever you’ve been and done previously really won’t matter when you move forward. The past can be a block to creating, forging and sustaining loving relationships or it can be the opening to more loving, available relationships and a happier, authentic you. Choose which one you want it to be.
Have you felt shame over past experiences? What did you do to break the cycle?
For more on emotional unavailability, check out Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Want to work on having a better inner relationship? Check out Tune In To Your Inner Voice (& Calm Your Inner Critic).
If you would like to submit a question, email advicewednesday AT baggagereclaim.com. If you want detailed personal advice, use the consultation service.
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Livia,
Many, many women idolize men that are not good for them for great lengths of time in their lives. If you didn’t grow up with the self-esteem that you deserved due to familial or cultural influences, then choosing men who are not respectful is a natural, albeit horrid outcome. Work on your self-esteem. Each persons path to self-value is different. For me it was Nat’s Mr Unavailable and the Fallbackgirl (love that book), counseling, and a few self-informative books that came highly recommended. If something feels “off” for you, it probably isn’t for you, but if you are obsessing over something to your detriment, it’s probably not good either. You have to get to a place where your instincts are good and to your benefit and you listen to them. Also, the world doesn’t fall down when you don’t date. I’ve been asked out by good and bad guys and I’ve said no to both simply because that’s my right and it was an honest answer.
Take Care xx
Jennifer
Amen to that Jennifer. i praise you for the insight as i have and still am struggling with trusting my instincts, and beating myself up emotionally as to why i didn’t take the “off” route.
Anna
anna,
Hang in there. I can relate. I don’t know that it’s possible for us to follow our instincts 100% of the time, but that is okay because we don’t have to be perfect; it’s a learning process.
Yes, i can relate. I’m just starting to be able to trust my instincts around men. I’m literally learning to be able to notice how i feel around people. And learning that that high i felt around the ex EUM actually doesnt feel good- its just a drama high. Learning to notice other kinds of energy that people have and appreciate that, if that makes any sense. Its a difficult knot to unwind but it is possible. Now running into him makes me want to vomit, instead of climbing back into his arms. Which is probably good. But yeah, i still cry over him sometimes.
Sara,
You are in such a good place. This is what we work for, that our emotions and feelings honestly match the person. So much of it does have to do with the adrenaline high that can come with some people. But as we all know, the price is too high.
Take care xx
Thanks jennifer xx
Marrugi where are you from just curious.you sound like a relative I who left my home country long ago.am in Nairobi kenya
This is giving me life! I got stuck shaming myself but truth is, it was less scary than having to get back out there again.
Thanks for the great reminders, Natalie. This quote came to mind as well:
“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
Maya Angelou
problem is with me, i am still genuinely attractive to the disrespectful ass-clown, and do what i can to avoid his path, but he comes to mind daily and if he were to contact me, i’d have no problem wanting the communication with him..help
anna,
I came to BR four years ago after a man who did not value me broke my heart. After we broke up, I cried in a closet near two days straight. Then I cried most my waking hours for two weeks, then everyday for a few hours, then an hour a day for a couple of years, then an hour a week and so on. (I cut complete contact with the guy but ran into him on occasion.) After four years and a lot of self-work and heap loads of healing, I’ve very much worked through it. I don’t really cry over him anymore though I briefly think of him every day and ache a bit. (Oh and we dated 2.5 months.) My point is it takes as long as it takes. This man brought a lot up for me in terms of unresolved childhood issues so I had to get some help. Not all women have that luxury and still do the adequate work to move on and you will, too. Just give yourself more patience and know you are very brave to ask for help.
Wishing you love and Strength
xx Jennifer
Thanks Jennifer. So happy to know i am not alone in all of this. After a 10yr on and off relationship (6months off this time) I can’t get him off my mind most days. I am now going to counselling as I know I have childhood issues to deal with and need to regain some self esteem and self worth. I just keep wishing things would hurry along so it’s nice to know that it can take as long as it takes!! I need to stop all contact with his family also, which I haven’t and am having a hard time with that but I don’t think I can move forward until I do that. It is so hard to get through this even though this man never respected me, never did anything for me, just took from me. I know we can’t be together but it is so hard to get to that peaceful place. Thanks for listening…….S.
Sue,
Stopping contact with an ex’s family can be really painful. I didn’t have much of a family growing up so that one hurts a lot, but I do think it is best in the long run to end all ties with an ex’s family. Like I said, it’s been four years since the ex and I just now don’t think of him all too often and when I do I have closure that I worked hard for and got from me, not him. Even though this process has been grueling and just plain sad sometimes, it is so worth it to move away emotionally and otherwise from men who cannot properly value a woman or romantic partner. And when you are ready, there are men (and people in general) that really value the richness of a mutual and respectful relationship with intimacy minus all the nastiness and meanness.
Take care Jennifer
Jennifer,
I dated a man for a little over 3 months and was left devastated after it ended. Dating him brought up a lot of my unresolved childhood inadequacies…healing has been so hard. It’s been a year and 3 months since it ended and I am still healing.
The wound cut deep. I am still trying to figure out what and where the mother wound is. 🙁
Starr
he’s turned on me four times in a year, and usually very aggressively. what’s the matter with me that i keep going back?
Anna
anna,
See my above response. Nothing is the matter with you. You are a completely normal, good human who is trying to figure her way out of a situation that is not working for you. And you will.
Hang in there
Jennifer xx (and check out Nat’s posts on cutting complete contact.)
My mother does all the shaming for me, Unfortunately I am stuck here for a while, On one hand I appreciate all the good she does and help, On the other were too opposite of each other for it to really work forever and I am made to feel she cannot handle being on her own, yet cannot stand me on the other.
I finally have a job close to home and good enough pay, something I can actually do becasue I also have social anxiety, and of course now get nagged about the hours not being perfect.. as I predicted.
All I really want anymore is a small place of my own for me and my son, I’d like to get into building our own small place and buy some land one day for that.
For a long time whenever I said I didn’t want to date it’s like I’d get jumped on for giving up when there is still some good one’s out there etc, etc.. Well I just can’t bring myself to feel like it, I’d prefer if there ever is one for me it just happens when I am doing my own thing.
Even One day of trying to figure anything out to me is too long, I have things to do and want to do, at almost 50 years old, I feel like it’s my turn to focus on something that interest me and that happens to be building something. I have books packed away in the shed on making simple furniture, things like that which I never got around to playing with and now really want to do that with a passion more than anything else.
There is nothing I can do about losing interest in men when it seems my adult life was busting my fanny trying to win one over or figure them out when they didn’t know what they wanted, Unless it was out of reach, and even more time was spent alone healing from the mental games.
All I can think now is about all the stuff I could have done with all of that time instead, I feel like I was just rather set back from doing other things I would have enjoyed more, and actually been able to see results.
It’s like my feeling is society and family wanted me to focus on and try to obtain something that just wasn’t there, and men wanted me working for them more than on my own interest. I can’t help it the thrill is gone, energy, what have you. I can think of other things I can actually get done for sure, and be happy with instead.
Thank you, Natalie, for great advice, it helped me dig out the particular inner critic that kept looping and start working on it. It took time, but I feel like i’ve finally broken the circle! 🙂
Thank you all for comments, it’s empowering to see your support and read other stories and perspectives. It helped a lot.
Livia