Picture this: You go on a dating website, you start scanning through photos or looking through suggested ‘matches’, and you rule out some or even a lot based on not feeling an instant attraction. You might read through some profiles and even though they appear to have similar values, you don’t feel that ‘spark’ and so dismiss them.
With other profiles, they say stuff about themselves that rings your ‘hook’ bell – they mention being a churchgoer, or that they earn six figures, or that they’re educated at an elite university, or that they have a dog, are a family person, have loads of degrees, are supertastic intelligent, are a green campaigner, or quote from an obscure book that you love too. You fire off an email to them or if they’ve already made contact with you, you eagerly reply, feeling excited at possibly meeting just the type of person you’re looking for.
Out in the real world, you go on first dates and if you don’t feel a ‘spark’ and a ‘connection’, are immediately or by the end of the date, mentally saying “Sayonara” and bracing yourself to continue your quest. Or you feel disheartened that you still haven’t met that ‘someone’ with that ‘spark’…that you can also actually manage to have a relationship with.
It is fascinating that so many people are hung up on instant attraction, instant chemistry, instant spark, and basically this illusion of instant knowledge about a person that they either haven’t even met in the flesh or don’t even know.
- These people feel spark with a one-dimensional photograph.
- These people feel spark with words and even promises which in the cold light of day and in hindsight seem ridiculous to be made by someone they hardly knew.
- These people feel spark with what their sexual organs or their imagination tells them.
These very same people will protest that they ‘can’t’ go on a date with someone and will find it unlikely that their attraction and interest will grow, if they don’t feel it immediately. For them, attraction, love, chemistry and the whole kit and caboodle have a foundation in something of nothing. There seems to be an absence of spark with action.
What you don’t realise if you’re relying on ‘instant’ or very quick attraction, is that you’re saying that you can be attracted to and even fall in love with someone that you don’t know, but that you couldn’t become attracted to and fall in love with someone that you grew to know. Isn’t there something very odd about that? You can fall in love with the promise, but you couldn’t fall for the reality?
And here’s where it becomes very interesting: When you experience that instant/very quick attraction, what follows after is the discovery phase, where you hopefully get to know them in reality. What I’ve seen happen time and again, is that people who rely on this whole ‘instant’ thing, don’t adjust their view of the person, their level of trust, their ideas about a possible relationship, as they get to know them. They stick with their initial perception and they don’t reconcile it with reality.
When the person does things that directly contradict the image you have of them, you keep going back to the initial feelings and perceptions you had, as if this is ‘right’. It then means that aside from not feeling attracted to people who you don’t feel it ‘instantly’ with, you also won’t reduce your attraction to someone you felt it with immediately, even as you get to ‘know’ them and they’re not meeting your vision, hope, and expectations.
This puts you into a bit of a ‘no judgement’ quagmire where you will only rely on the immediate ‘information’ that you think you’ve gleaned, and won’t trust yourself to go through discovery and get to know someone, or to evaluate actions and situations, make a judgement, and ultimately make a decision. This is a very tricky place for you to be in. Don’t you want to have to use your eyes and ears? Don’t you want to have the option to choose healthily? Don’t you want to actually know someone in reality?
What you can immediately learn here if you’re doing this, is that in spite of the fact that you won’t do any ‘discovery’ and make healthy judgements, you actually give yourself far too much credit for your power of ‘instant’ judgement. What you glean in a moment or in a date, isn’t ‘all’ that you know.
This is the same issue that arises when you meet someone who possesses certain physical characteristics that float your boat along with other qualities, characteristics and apparent values and you over-correlate the information and assume that they not only possess other characteristics, qualities, and values that you like, but that they’ll also give you the relationship you want. It’s such an enormous assumption leap, it leaves a rather painful chasm between you both that will come back to bite you in the arse when you wonder “But we have so much in common so why the hell isn’t this relationship working?”
That’s why there are so many perplexed people wondering how someone who looks just how they’d like, or has an IQ off the Richter scale, or is Very Important In The Community, or Is Very Good At Their Job…either doesn’t have the ‘emotional skills’ that are needed…or just isn’t interested in a mutual relationship.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling instantly attracted to someone…it’s just that you might want to take the meaning and the weighting that you apply to it down from a 20/10 to about a 5. There’s also such a thing as relationship insanity – if all you’ve ever done is go out with people who you feel the instant zsa zsa zu with and all it’s done is give you a proverbial ball or boob ache, there’s a message in there. It’s saying:
“Molly…[insert your name], slow your roll. Your mentality is that of someone who thinks they’re a love psychic. Now tell me, does your relationship history look like the fruits of telepathy? Just like the person who thinks that love is about having the power to change someone, you are giving yourself far greater powers to assess a person than you possess.”
If you don’t think you can grow attracted to someone, you’ll find that you won’t be that interested in truly getting to know someone whether you feel the attraction instantly or after knowing them for a while. That is a problem. This is why so many people struggle to get over a relationship where there were a lot of illusions.
And before anyone asks, no it’s not about forcing yourself to date someone that you have no interest in, but it is about making sure that you’re not setting yourself up to fail and/or repeating unhealthy patterns. If it feels familiar and you’ve had your fair share of dodgy experiences, it’s a warning sign, not excitement or ‘spark’.
Spend some time in group settings getting to know people (in reality not your imagination) without the pressure of ‘dating’. Address your beliefs about what you think being instantly attracted tells you and compare it with the reality of previous experiences and ask yourself if that is true. Particularly if you have a habit of dates, short flings, or being ‘hooked’ on your image of someone, I would also address how truly available you are – relying on instant attraction is one of the easiest ways to keep yourself out of a relationship.
What I can tell you, is that love, care, trust and respect are not something that’s gained immediately – they need time and action.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl which is perfect for anyone who keeps sticking with that ‘instant attraction’ and winding up in trouble, in my bookshop.
Photo credit: Guy Connalee SXC and crystal ball also SXC
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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I met my current boyfriend online. I did the online thing after getting really burned with someone I’ve known for a while, and decided a nice, no-expectations learning experience was exactly what the doctor ordered. I wrote a mildly snarky profile, contacted lots of people and collected a bunch of hilarious first messages. And went on lots and lots and LOTS of dates, just for the experience of meeting new people and learning new things. I went out with two other guys the week I met my now-bf. I was insanely, immediately attracted to one of those three guys. Aaaand funny enough, that was NOT the guy I discovered to be a beautiful human being who makes me smile with the little things every day and packs his days ridiculously full of stuff he has to do so he can carve out the time to make sure to see me on a regular basis, even if it’s just for dinner, and makes sure to let me know how much he appreciates everything I do, and reciprocates in some way. The insanely attractive guy turned out to have serious emotional issues “because of his relationship with his mother” – I kid you not. The guy I ended up with was the quiet, sometimes awkward, mildly nerdy guy that took a while to get to know – and was definitely worth the effort!
What are your thoughts about someone who is always nice to you, offers to help you but never really finishes any projects they start, runs out of money every month and constantly using an overdraft, goes off out of the country on business trips and leaves no way for you to contact them in case of emergency when they know you do not have other friends or family to rely on (ok this has only happened twice and both times recently), wanted to trade cars so they told you they applied for a loan and the money was due in the bank but they got all hyped up because the money wasnt there the weekend and seemed distraught at loosing the car they wanted , so I got in my savings and gave him the money (2000 pounds) then turns out he did not get the loan approved at all, and I nearly fainted , but he did go and borrow the money from his parents and now he sees no rush to pay these pensioners back, Just here and there where he can and says it will be fine by them (although, I did get my money back) My friend (that just happens to be a councilor) said that she felt that this was done out of stupidity but she thinks this man truly loves me) He has stayed at my house more than his own in the past year because he lives an hour and half away, his bills have decreased to the point he is in credit meanwhile mine have gone up and he has not made any arrangements to make sure I am compensated and not taken advantage of. He does chip in on food at the grocery store, he pays for some of the bills there but not all.
I am on a limited income because of disability , but I do own my property . He lets/rents. He recently got a notice that his landlord is selling her cottage, and he has to be out by the end of may.
We had already been talking about the possiblity of living to gether and how we might work that out,but now this feels like a shove of sorts to get things rolling. He has said if I am not ready he will let another property until I am.
Other than this,the time we spend together is pleasant, consistent, he phones me every single day and makes the hour and a half journey to see me almost every single day (thats where the money goes, right out the exhaust pipe! on petrol.)
He does some really stupid things occassionally but he is also kind and generous when he can be and sometimes when he shouldnt be and he has never raised a hand to me or used any sort of obvious mental or emotional abuse.
I have enjoyed him being in my life very much this past year, but I have suddenly started feeling.a bit of resistence in myself, questioning things I did not originally. I am a bit of an abandonholic (http://www.outerchild.net/book/export/html/12) by nature so I do not know If I am making my own drama here or right to be concerned.
Old Dog, even if I have to put on a jumpsuit and come though the roof of your house in an intervention, I’m telling you right now to ditch this loser before he disables your life. I don’t know what type of councillor your friend is, but she needs to get off the crack. Your story is full of money and goods transactions – this guy is pulling a con and is a liar. Er, he’s gone from being in the red to being in the black at your expense. Don’t move in with him. This is not what love looks or feels like.
Abuse comes in many guises – it certainly doesn’t rest on cheating, beating, plus emotional abuse takes many forms. This man is abusing your trust. He’s also taking you for a mug – read back what you’ve written and you will see what is so unhealthy about this relationship.
You’ll find that unless someone is a serial killer, most people have the capacity to have good days and even have a generous moment. That said, contextually, if the net result of occasionally putting his hand in his pocket, distracts you from what is really going on here, he’s not being generous at all. Also, how the hell can someone be generous when they owe you money?
You are being taken advantage of and be careful of that fear of abandonment – you are more than able to fend for yourself, unlike a child, and if anything, you are actually in a position to take care of yourself, which is more than I can say for this irresponsible man. If you worry more about him leaving than you do about your safety, including your emotional and financial safety, the first time you will realise how dangerous this is, is when he leaves and he’s cleaned you out.
Much More Better,
Love your story. Had my coffee date today and it was exactly what it should be…the first time I met someone…who was nice…who I am getting to know. It was a pleasant 90 minutes (no rushing, no red flags)…and my attitude it to wait and see what happens…and you know what?
It Feels Great!!!
ChiTownKitty
Uuuuhhh… My favourite topic!
Well, let’s say that “instant” attraction was much more common in my younger days, and more recently…yes, you guessed right, with my ex. Now, I am not speaking about online dating, as I’m not into that stuff, but what I need to feel on the first meeting is at least a good impression, at least *some* attraction (mental attraction included). It has never happened to me to fall on love with someone whom at the beginning I found totally dull or unattractive, or, even worse, annoying or repulsive.
And what I wonder now is: how much time should we wait for attraction to kick in? I know people who actually started a relationship, and wasted many months in vain, because nothing changed. The person in cause was a good person, but the attraction was missing. So, what’s the solution? What’s the ideal amount of time, in order not to be superficial, but also not to waste your time and theirs?