Last week I talked about being authentic for more positive living; knowing who you are and standing by you even when the times are tough. Knowing yourself enough to assimilate what you’re feeling and recognising when things are not in line with desires, needs, wants, and values that you profess to have, and more importantly, keeping it real rather than being lost in illusions.
As I’ve said many times, we tend to attract or be drawn to people that reflect things that we believe about ourselves, love, and relationships and when there are conflicting beliefs and negative ones, you can find yourself being involved with people that cement the negatives in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I’m also a believer that relationships serve to teach us more about ourselves.
If we don’t pay attention in class, play hooky/bunk off, and fail the tests, we’ll keep having the lesson put in front of us until we learn the lesson and pass the exam. The ‘tests’ are those situations where you have the opportunity to do the right thing by yourself and lay down your boundaries and say no. The ‘tests’ are where you have the opportunity to make a different choice, or continue to do the same thing (or variances of it) and expect a different result – relationship insanity.
I read in the current issue of the UK’s Red Magazine about how we get the right people for us at that time. I actually agree – I’ll be honest with you, if I’d got involved with the boyf before I did (we had actually moved in the same circles for a few years and he and one of my best mates shared a house at uni even!), it would have been like me holding a hot potato ready for me to drop it! I’d have effed it up and I might not even have recognised how great he is and valued it. He’s the same and we met each other at the best points in our lives.
If you keep finding yourself in the same situation again and again, ask yourself what it is that you’re supposed to be learning.
What is it about that person that stresses you? It can be very revealing when you look closely at someone else’s consistent character and how that can reflect to you. Look at my posts on recognising things about yourself in the men you profess to love – so for example, if he’s a flip flapper, you tend to be indecisive, and if he’s a liar and talks a good game without very much action, you’re into illusions and denial, and the ones that behave like total assclowns indicate a penchant for drama.
When I was emotionally unavailable and had an unknown fear of commitment, I was repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable and uncommitted types. I’d stick around and complain but not really change much or claim I was trying to work on the relationship and it was them that was holding it back. I’m thankful in some respects that someone who was emotionally available with a bit more decency was spared from my drama.
The lesson I thought I was learning was that I was attracted to unavailable people whilst being available myself and that I should try to be involved with more available people. Of course, because I was secretly unavailable myself, I didn’t ‘click’ with available people, writing them off as boring, too nice, or too good to be true.
Those of you who’ve read my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, or my personal blog, or this blog for long enough will know that when I became aware that I was the only recurring character in my own very annoying soap opera, I realised that I had some lessons to learn.
The lesson I eventually learned was that I was unavailable myself and instead of trying to fit square pegs in round holes, I need to address my own unavailability so that I could actually be available for positive opportunities. Until then, I was doing the equivalent of going out and expecting everything to fall into my lap and prove themselves different, and then expecting that that would give me my cue to be different.
It’s that assumption that if you find happiness in someone else, you will suddenly be at one with yourself.
Like a lot of you, I learned that even if I did meet someone, I had to be happy with me and accept myself so that I could recognise the good in my life and also recognise stuff and people that detracted from that.
I learned that you need to be personally secure so that you can enjoy a relationship with someone and also enjoy being you.
This is a lot better than relying on someone else for happiness and security and then it ending and feeling like they just walked off with a piece of you. It’s co-dependency and it’s too much for you and it’s too much for them.
I used to give myself a pat on the back and claim that I had learned from my mistakes, but in reality I hadn’t because I kept ending up with same guy different package. I played the opposites game – you know that one where you home in on one particularly annoying thing that they did and then seek to find a person who does the opposite, but failing to look at other things that might not be so great either. I also believed that I didn’t have any problems – that I was nice, funny, attractive, smart, great job, generous, great friend, ambitious etc – and I was just unfortunate enough to attract the wrong types.
Actually, one of the things I have learned is that in not valuing some other important things about myself, I missed the point of why some of these relationships failed.
I talk and correspond with people all the time that don’t understand why it ended, or think it ended because they didn’t answer the phone on one particular day, or that it was because they didn’t have sex enough, weren’t good at it, or there was someone prettier than them, skinnier, could cook, had more money etc. It takes more than any of these things to make or break a relationship and if something can be broken by any one of these things, you’d have always been hanging onto the relationship by the skin of your teeth. Fact.
Over time, we do evolve and change, with the idea that we experience personal growth and come out the other side. We realise it’s not that exciting to be chased by someone who you’re not sure when you might hear from next and have the feeling remaining even when you’ve been in the ‘relationship’ for years. The novelty can wear off for the thrill and drama of bad boys and it can feel like being on a permanent date, and that really isn’t exciting and you can’t forge a real connection or a relationship because it will feel like you’re perpetually regressing. It’s one thing to feel get high off the thrill of the chase and ambiguity as a teen or in your twenties, but it gets tedious the older that you get.
We can end up holding on to a lot of stuff, clocking up emotional baggage and after a while, if you’re truly keeping it real, taking care of you, and truly ready to find out what the future holds, you learn that you’re human, you make mistakes, you don’t always make the greatest of choices, but you get back up.
Don’t turn your experiences into a negative lesson that ends up creating further negative consequences. The answer is not to say ‘I can’t trust anyone’ or ‘There are no good men to date’ or ‘Life sucks’ because what you’re really saying is that you don’t trust yourself and have enough faith that even though it may hurt, a little or a lot, you can come out of the other side of this and move forward.
You learn that if you’re going to have a different future, you’ll take your lessons so that you can do better by you and let go of your past so you can live your present and your future. This means that you say goodbye to the good and the bad stuff with your exes so that you can have your mind and emotions open to a new experience with someone else.
Ultimately, the biggest lesson we learn is that if we want a different type of relationship to what we’ve been getting, we must take what we learn and positively adapt, to get a different result.
Your thoughts? Have you learned more about yourself as a result of your relationships?
Natalie, thank you for the right words: “I learned that you need to be personally secure so that you can enjoy a relationship with someone and also enjoy being you.This is a lot better than relying on someone else for happiness and security and then it ending and feeling like they just walked off with a piece of you. It’s co-dependency and it’s too much for you and it’s too much for them”
Probably, I am not ready to date anyone, as I still feel unsecure:-( and my mood really depends if the guy of my interest call or text me…HOW SAD! I also feel very sensitive if he doenst say “right words” …How can I rid of these feelings???
Loving Annie
on 19/01/2010 at 7:07 pm
I thought I’d been getting so much better — and that I’d changed so much –= only to find out I was just doing a variation of what I’d always done. I’m still unavailable myself.
It’s the fight of a lifetime to change everything about the way I feel and think and the actions I take. I thought I “knew” after the last EUM – oh yeah, I know the signs now. I just didn’t apply them clearly enough to the new guy. I really have to be vigilant about it, and know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
sigh.
Sometimes I even ask myself if I WANT to be available. But then I pull myself together and try to take another step forward.
Karma is a mo-fo. I must have been totally unappreciative of being loved in another lifetime, married without any gratitude for how good my hubs and kids were and what a difference it makes to have them…
I tell you, this self-esteem stuff, the thing that you have to have to LIKE yourself ? It’s akin to climbing the tallest mountain in the world when your legs are 6″ long…
.-= Loving Annie´s last blog ..Bluefin, Newport Beach =-.
Troya
on 19/01/2010 at 9:16 pm
I, like Half happy Soul, also still depend on the ex’s text or right words for my mood boost. Its is sad, but how do you build up your own self confidence and self esteem? That is a very hard question…
Betterwithouthim
on 19/01/2010 at 10:04 pm
@ Loving Annie-
I completely agree with your statement about the self-esteem stuff…
Personally, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. To one day realize I have virtually no self esteem (finally getting real) and then attempt to figure out where or how to get some and apply it day in and day out.
I’m not dating, I’m not even interested at this point. I’m still working on me and it’s exhausting at times. But I know in the end that self-love, self-esteem, self-worth and boundaries are what it’s all about. I’ve changed, and I’m beginning to kind of like my new found friend. That friend is ME! LoL 🙂 She’s not all bad, and she’s a pretty happy person.
Wandering Ivy
on 20/01/2010 at 1:01 am
It IS hard, figuring out how exactly you go about loving yourself….. For me, what it looks like is accepting myself as I am now, warts and all. I’m not going to WAIT until I’m “perfect,” which is never going to happen anyway, unless I’m dead… and then it will be too late. 🙂
I’ve decided: I’m not going to harass the hell out of myself any longer. I’ve been doing it my whole life and it’s the self-doubt that’s made my life a lot harder than it could have been, not being an inadequate person.
So that may sound like “nothing,” but for me, it’s huge. It’s like I’m finally beginning to shake the monkey off my back and the relief is palpable. I feel lighter. Freer. Happier for no good reason.
I know I’m not ready to date yet and I’m alright with that. For the first time in my life, I’m beginning to develop a positive vision of a relationship I might actually be able to create – instead of some grandiose vision of a romance that was supposed to deeply fulfill some need that I needed to fill myself.
It’s not like I have it all worked out, but for now, it just feels good to focus on this stuff and enjoy the rest of my life.
freeatlast
on 20/01/2010 at 1:07 am
It has taken far too long to learn by my last relationship, but finally ‘I get it! ‘ I really have to change in all areas of my life, boundaries are so important and I barely had any in place. I now recognize that I was unavailable emotionally. I’d given up on ever meeting anyone genuine. Shouldn’t be surprised that he wasn’t genuine either.
Michelle
on 20/01/2010 at 1:15 am
How do you work on becoming more available? I understand it is about being secure. I have been attracting very young men, and I have realized they are a poor match (a decade younger). I like the vibrancy, but I want someone who is available and mature. With older men – a tad older than I am, they seem very sedentary – do not enjoy going out, or keeping with with music, or trying new things. This is a gross over-generalization, but a fair one for many. How do I find the right balance, and become available?
MaryC
on 20/01/2010 at 1:39 am
When I read “if he’s a liar and talks a good game without very much action, you’re into illusions and denial” it was like a ton of bricks hit me, that was me. I made excuses to myself why everything was only on his terms and sadly why I accepted it for so long.
Illusions and denial are powerful forces.
bebe
on 20/01/2010 at 2:24 am
Loved this post! Spot on.
Wild~Thing
on 20/01/2010 at 4:50 am
The more I work on my self love/esteem/respect, I learn that what I believe about myself and what I deserve determines the QUALITY of my relationships. I didn’t believe that I was loveable and worthy of good things (i.e. love, honesty, accountability, respect etc.) but now I do and its what I have come to expect from others.
Posh
on 20/01/2010 at 8:04 am
So glad I read that at this time as finally cut all contact with my ex been NC for the past 3 weeks and can now see clearer what the problem was I didn’t like myself I didn’t think I was good enough for anybody I was unhappy at the time but made out everything with me was fine and from thinking back my ex was unhappy as well due to not being over his ex. I have learnt a heck of alot the past few months I think we both just sort of clung on to each other for some bizzare reason but it came to me we cant keep going on like this I know I had do be the strong one and cut contact for both our sake. I always feel bad for everybody else when I should just be thinking about me and getting myself together which now I can and going to keep no contact with my ex once and for all. And get myself in the right mind and love the person I am and hopefully not attracted a assclown again.
@Half Happy Soul – I think you need to adjust your expectations because I think you’re giving yourself a hard time, never mind the other person. If you have a goal of ‘right words’, you’re probably missing out on ‘right actions’ plus you may also be missing out on someone who possibly is a great mate. If you’re not secure, you need to examine why you are not secure and address those reasons because you are looking for things in other people that you should be first of all be giving to you.
@Loving Annie – Also don’t be hard on yourself. It is a journey with bumps in the road. We and only we can be our caretakers. This means that even though change may be difficult, or even painful at times, at some point we recognise that we have to persevere to get to feeling the good stuff because you are already familiar with the alternative and it doesn’t feel good. You will reach a point in the mountain, where once the worst is over, you can quickly speed your way up with suddenly longer legs 😉
@Troya Read https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/ You have got to trust yourself by getting out there, living, and making decisions based on your gut and instinct. The more you realise you can trust yourself to filter out the dodgy partners, the more confident you can be about recognising and enjoying a great partner when they come along.
@Betterwithouthim You are the best friend you can ever have. You must put yourself first. I remember that exhausting feeling and at times I’d almost believe it was easier to crawl back to the familiar. Then I remembered how I felt and I realised that no matter how ‘tired’ I felt now, it was nothing compared to the misery of before. Keep being a damn good friend to you!
@Wandering Ivy Amen, amen, amen! It’s not about trying to cultivate a perfect you – you set yourself up for pain and are always disappointed. It’s about accepting yourself and working on and with what you can. It’s about being accountable for your own happiness but also learning to enjoy you, and this vibrates to others around you and you will feel positive things come back to you.
@freeatlast Yep! Given up = defeated = accepting beat up partners. You were giving up on yourself. You deserve better and now you know it.
@Michelle The availability has nothing to do with their interests – to be honest, all those things mean is that they are not as social (may not be a great thing although it depends on your meaning of ‘going out’, they keep up with other things and they don’t ‘need’ to keep up with music to be compatible with you (it’s not indicative of how compatible you are), and willingness to try new things (this is a bit general and I think people try more new things as they grow into the relationship). Your availability is not dependent on their interests. Your availability is about making sure that you are emotionally available and not carrying stuff that may be causing conflicts where you may look for partners that provide reasons for relationships not to work.
@MaryC I know you have been through so much. You now know that believing the lies or making excuses for the lies will bring you pain and that you must live by truth so that you don’t embrace people who have an allergy to it. You will get past this experience ((hugs))
@bebe Thank you!
@Nicole I don’t think people realise how little they are sharing of themselves particularly when they are emotionally unavailable. They can end up doing what suits them and what ‘works’ for them, and wonder why the results aren’t panning out.
@Wild Thing Absolutely – you get back what you put out. Mindset is behaviour as well and you act in accordance with your beliefs, even if you don’t realise it.
@Posh Two unhappy people equals one very unhappy relationship. Neither of you were getting your needs met and until you both address why you were unhappy, which you are doing now, you won’t be able to enjoy happiness in a relationship. And it’s not ‘hopefully’ – you ‘won’t’ be attracted to an assclown again 😉
Ending My Relationship
on 21/01/2010 at 12:56 am
I had a discussion with an ex girlriend that was pretty profound recently.
I straight up asked her if she had seen something about me that I could not see about myself.
After some hesitation she told me, and instead of replying, defending or rationalizing I really thought about.
Its been so long since we were together that we were distanced enough from each other to be able to ask such questions… And I had the rare opportunity to see myself as SHE has seen me.
Very powerful. I almost want to go and do a “High Fidelity” and ask all of my ex girlfriends the same question.
Michelle
on 21/01/2010 at 12:57 pm
NML,
I do that attracting very young men may be very indicative of being unavailable, especially if I do not consider men my own age (not true, but difficult). You still have not answered the question of how to be more available, and what to work on. The post focuses on identifying if you are not available.I recognize that being centered and whole in myself is part of it, but how do you do that? Especially since I have been single for so long, and am very successful. It feels like I am centered.
To apply for free personal advice (there is a long waiting list and a backlog, please check the contact page). There is also a consultation service. Thanks Natalie
movinon
on 21/01/2010 at 8:50 pm
A respounding YES! I am admittedly a habitual EUM attractor – have been for 30 years. After this last go around – it was an absolute body slam. I swear that AC did everything accumlatively (except hit me) that the others did individually. It piled up. Not only was he EUM, he was emotionally abusive in a passive way (always my fault because of X), a cheater, liar, very charming, blew hot and cold – classis narsac. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I sat blasted into emotional hell. Not able to comprehend what just happened. How people could treat others like that – could not comprehend that. I was a doormat. It made me look really hard at myself and be totally honest about my part. I did not have boundaries. I did not speak up when something made me question WTF! I didn’t fully trust him – my gut instinct said not too – glad about that – at least my subconscience was working somewhat. The hardest part to overcome has been the coulda shoulda woulda have said or done if only if only my head was not up my a**. I had to look way back when to find the abandonment trauma I repeatedly experienced growing up. Why I kept seeking out people who would adandon me – trying to prove through each relationship that I was worthy of love, caring, respect, being treated as a human. I beat myself up and used other people to beat myself up too. I read somewhere that the amount of abuse that you will take off another person is equal to or less than the amount of abuse you will take off yourself. In other words if someone abuses you more than you would yourself – you would leave the situation. That was a mind blower. So now I am challenging these old beliefs I have about myself. I am changing the way I view me, treat me, set reasonable boundaries that I can respect and standards of behaviour that I will accept from others. I am finding me probably for the first time in my life. Its like I have acknowledged that I am a “grown up” and I can make my own decisons. I guess you would call that learning to trust myself while staying true to myself. I don’t give my last EUM/AC any credit for these self discoveries – its been many lonely nights getting comfortable with me and getting real. Thank you all for being a part of my recovery.
Kay
on 21/01/2010 at 8:56 pm
“The novelty can wear off for the thrill and drama of bad boys and it can feel like being on a permanent date, and that really isn’t exciting and you can’t forge a real connection or a relationship because it will feel like you’re perpetually regressing. It’s one thing to feel get high off the thrill of the chase and ambiguity as a teen or in your twenties, but it gets tedious the older that you get.” Put it there Natalie because that perfectly describes my sorry love life to date.And now that I have finally gained some self knowledge and understand my destructive patterns,I feel sad for all the lost years.I think it is wonderful for younger women to be able to recognise their negative patterns and to work on changing them because they then have a really great chance of finding love and a fulfilling relationship as you did.It is not so easy for those of us who are older.But you never know and knowledge is power.And you are right when you say the road is bumpy.It is and it can be lonely but despite the temptation to crawl back to the familiar,you keep going because the familiar is that permanent date and the perpetual regressing and no way do you ever want to go back there.Self love,self esteem and self belief will take you over any mountain at any age.Believe it girls!
Keri
on 25/01/2010 at 12:29 am
Hi Everyone – I have a topic that I was wondering if you could help me with. Because of Natalie and this wonderful site.. her e-book… I FINALLY realized that ALL MY LIFE I had been accepting less than I deserved due to my lack of self worth and being a fallback girl in my relationships.. I made better choices and my world has, in return, changed. I am constantly making decisions based on me believing I deserve the best. I also believe it will always be something that I will be challenged with all the rest of my life.. constantly checking in with myself to make sure that I continue to strive to NOT accept less. It seems as soon as I really woke up to this.. just how long and how much I was accepting less.. crumbs.. I noticed how my friendships were the same. I was in long term friendships with those that also were emotionally unavailable… (it amazes me how much we’ll give and give with NO take) well… time has passed.. I am now married to someone who VERY much loves me.. and I love. It seems that now that I realized this epiphany… I am feeling the desire to face and then drop the friendships that ONLY have their interests in mind.
Is this normal? Once you finally see just how much of a fallback girl you are/were.. does it naturally progress into your friendships? I have gone my separate ways with 2 of my 4 “best” friends now… and I feel another is on the horizon…. The 2 that have dropped out of my life.. while I am sad and will always love them… I feel a sense of freedom that I am NO longer accepting less than I deserve…
Just wondering with everyone.. Has this happened to you? Natalie – any thoughts?
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Natalie, thank you for the right words: “I learned that you need to be personally secure so that you can enjoy a relationship with someone and also enjoy being you.This is a lot better than relying on someone else for happiness and security and then it ending and feeling like they just walked off with a piece of you. It’s co-dependency and it’s too much for you and it’s too much for them”
Probably, I am not ready to date anyone, as I still feel unsecure:-( and my mood really depends if the guy of my interest call or text me…HOW SAD! I also feel very sensitive if he doenst say “right words” …How can I rid of these feelings???
I thought I’d been getting so much better — and that I’d changed so much –= only to find out I was just doing a variation of what I’d always done. I’m still unavailable myself.
It’s the fight of a lifetime to change everything about the way I feel and think and the actions I take. I thought I “knew” after the last EUM – oh yeah, I know the signs now. I just didn’t apply them clearly enough to the new guy. I really have to be vigilant about it, and know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
sigh.
Sometimes I even ask myself if I WANT to be available. But then I pull myself together and try to take another step forward.
Karma is a mo-fo. I must have been totally unappreciative of being loved in another lifetime, married without any gratitude for how good my hubs and kids were and what a difference it makes to have them…
I tell you, this self-esteem stuff, the thing that you have to have to LIKE yourself ? It’s akin to climbing the tallest mountain in the world when your legs are 6″ long…
.-= Loving Annie´s last blog ..Bluefin, Newport Beach =-.
I, like Half happy Soul, also still depend on the ex’s text or right words for my mood boost. Its is sad, but how do you build up your own self confidence and self esteem? That is a very hard question…
@ Loving Annie-
I completely agree with your statement about the self-esteem stuff…
Personally, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. To one day realize I have virtually no self esteem (finally getting real) and then attempt to figure out where or how to get some and apply it day in and day out.
I’m not dating, I’m not even interested at this point. I’m still working on me and it’s exhausting at times. But I know in the end that self-love, self-esteem, self-worth and boundaries are what it’s all about. I’ve changed, and I’m beginning to kind of like my new found friend. That friend is ME! LoL 🙂 She’s not all bad, and she’s a pretty happy person.
It IS hard, figuring out how exactly you go about loving yourself….. For me, what it looks like is accepting myself as I am now, warts and all. I’m not going to WAIT until I’m “perfect,” which is never going to happen anyway, unless I’m dead… and then it will be too late. 🙂
I’ve decided: I’m not going to harass the hell out of myself any longer. I’ve been doing it my whole life and it’s the self-doubt that’s made my life a lot harder than it could have been, not being an inadequate person.
So that may sound like “nothing,” but for me, it’s huge. It’s like I’m finally beginning to shake the monkey off my back and the relief is palpable. I feel lighter. Freer. Happier for no good reason.
I know I’m not ready to date yet and I’m alright with that. For the first time in my life, I’m beginning to develop a positive vision of a relationship I might actually be able to create – instead of some grandiose vision of a romance that was supposed to deeply fulfill some need that I needed to fill myself.
It’s not like I have it all worked out, but for now, it just feels good to focus on this stuff and enjoy the rest of my life.
It has taken far too long to learn by my last relationship, but finally ‘I get it! ‘ I really have to change in all areas of my life, boundaries are so important and I barely had any in place. I now recognize that I was unavailable emotionally. I’d given up on ever meeting anyone genuine. Shouldn’t be surprised that he wasn’t genuine either.
How do you work on becoming more available? I understand it is about being secure. I have been attracting very young men, and I have realized they are a poor match (a decade younger). I like the vibrancy, but I want someone who is available and mature. With older men – a tad older than I am, they seem very sedentary – do not enjoy going out, or keeping with with music, or trying new things. This is a gross over-generalization, but a fair one for many. How do I find the right balance, and become available?
When I read “if he’s a liar and talks a good game without very much action, you’re into illusions and denial” it was like a ton of bricks hit me, that was me. I made excuses to myself why everything was only on his terms and sadly why I accepted it for so long.
Illusions and denial are powerful forces.
Loved this post! Spot on.
The more I work on my self love/esteem/respect, I learn that what I believe about myself and what I deserve determines the QUALITY of my relationships. I didn’t believe that I was loveable and worthy of good things (i.e. love, honesty, accountability, respect etc.) but now I do and its what I have come to expect from others.
So glad I read that at this time as finally cut all contact with my ex been NC for the past 3 weeks and can now see clearer what the problem was I didn’t like myself I didn’t think I was good enough for anybody I was unhappy at the time but made out everything with me was fine and from thinking back my ex was unhappy as well due to not being over his ex. I have learnt a heck of alot the past few months I think we both just sort of clung on to each other for some bizzare reason but it came to me we cant keep going on like this I know I had do be the strong one and cut contact for both our sake. I always feel bad for everybody else when I should just be thinking about me and getting myself together which now I can and going to keep no contact with my ex once and for all. And get myself in the right mind and love the person I am and hopefully not attracted a assclown again.
@Half Happy Soul – I think you need to adjust your expectations because I think you’re giving yourself a hard time, never mind the other person. If you have a goal of ‘right words’, you’re probably missing out on ‘right actions’ plus you may also be missing out on someone who possibly is a great mate. If you’re not secure, you need to examine why you are not secure and address those reasons because you are looking for things in other people that you should be first of all be giving to you.
@Loving Annie – Also don’t be hard on yourself. It is a journey with bumps in the road. We and only we can be our caretakers. This means that even though change may be difficult, or even painful at times, at some point we recognise that we have to persevere to get to feeling the good stuff because you are already familiar with the alternative and it doesn’t feel good. You will reach a point in the mountain, where once the worst is over, you can quickly speed your way up with suddenly longer legs 😉
@Troya Read https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/ You have got to trust yourself by getting out there, living, and making decisions based on your gut and instinct. The more you realise you can trust yourself to filter out the dodgy partners, the more confident you can be about recognising and enjoying a great partner when they come along.
@Betterwithouthim You are the best friend you can ever have. You must put yourself first. I remember that exhausting feeling and at times I’d almost believe it was easier to crawl back to the familiar. Then I remembered how I felt and I realised that no matter how ‘tired’ I felt now, it was nothing compared to the misery of before. Keep being a damn good friend to you!
@Wandering Ivy Amen, amen, amen! It’s not about trying to cultivate a perfect you – you set yourself up for pain and are always disappointed. It’s about accepting yourself and working on and with what you can. It’s about being accountable for your own happiness but also learning to enjoy you, and this vibrates to others around you and you will feel positive things come back to you.
@freeatlast Yep! Given up = defeated = accepting beat up partners. You were giving up on yourself. You deserve better and now you know it.
@Michelle The availability has nothing to do with their interests – to be honest, all those things mean is that they are not as social (may not be a great thing although it depends on your meaning of ‘going out’, they keep up with other things and they don’t ‘need’ to keep up with music to be compatible with you (it’s not indicative of how compatible you are), and willingness to try new things (this is a bit general and I think people try more new things as they grow into the relationship). Your availability is not dependent on their interests. Your availability is about making sure that you are emotionally available and not carrying stuff that may be causing conflicts where you may look for partners that provide reasons for relationships not to work.
@MaryC I know you have been through so much. You now know that believing the lies or making excuses for the lies will bring you pain and that you must live by truth so that you don’t embrace people who have an allergy to it. You will get past this experience ((hugs))
@bebe Thank you!
@Nicole I don’t think people realise how little they are sharing of themselves particularly when they are emotionally unavailable. They can end up doing what suits them and what ‘works’ for them, and wonder why the results aren’t panning out.
@Wild Thing Absolutely – you get back what you put out. Mindset is behaviour as well and you act in accordance with your beliefs, even if you don’t realise it.
@Posh Two unhappy people equals one very unhappy relationship. Neither of you were getting your needs met and until you both address why you were unhappy, which you are doing now, you won’t be able to enjoy happiness in a relationship. And it’s not ‘hopefully’ – you ‘won’t’ be attracted to an assclown again 😉
I had a discussion with an ex girlriend that was pretty profound recently.
I straight up asked her if she had seen something about me that I could not see about myself.
After some hesitation she told me, and instead of replying, defending or rationalizing I really thought about.
Its been so long since we were together that we were distanced enough from each other to be able to ask such questions… And I had the rare opportunity to see myself as SHE has seen me.
Very powerful. I almost want to go and do a “High Fidelity” and ask all of my ex girlfriends the same question.
NML,
I do that attracting very young men may be very indicative of being unavailable, especially if I do not consider men my own age (not true, but difficult). You still have not answered the question of how to be more available, and what to work on. The post focuses on identifying if you are not available.I recognize that being centered and whole in myself is part of it, but how do you do that? Especially since I have been single for so long, and am very successful. It feels like I am centered.
Hi Michelle, please find below a sample of links. Needless to say, your question goes beyond the scope of a short reply in a comments box.
Links:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/who-do-you-think-you-are/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/attraction-4-key-things-that-make-you-attractiveor-unattractive/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/overestimating-yourselfthe-consequence-of-change-vs-inertia-in-dating-and-relationships/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-reasons-women-choose-menand-why-they-shouldnt-part-one/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/five-key-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-dating/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-a-responsibility-dodger-or-a-but-girl-caught-in-your-own-relationship-insanity/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/introducing-miss-commitment-phobe/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/toxic-type/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/personal-happiness-what-do-you-want/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-you-want-to-be-happy-or-do-you-want-to-be-right/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-status-quo-a-quick-lesson-in-the-dynamics-of-drama/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/so-what-is-commitment-phobia/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/that-nagging-voice-the-danger-of-internal-negative-messaging/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-one/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-we-giving-up-on-love/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-when-youre-lonely-or-feel-time-is-running-out/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-waiting-willing-hoping-for-the-one-to-enter-your-life/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-dont-women-enjoy-a-healthy-relationship-after-leaving-a-damaging-one/
There’s also an entire ebook on emotional unavailability and identifying what you are doing to stop yourself from being available: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/
To apply for free personal advice (there is a long waiting list and a backlog, please check the contact page). There is also a consultation service. Thanks Natalie
A respounding YES! I am admittedly a habitual EUM attractor – have been for 30 years. After this last go around – it was an absolute body slam. I swear that AC did everything accumlatively (except hit me) that the others did individually. It piled up. Not only was he EUM, he was emotionally abusive in a passive way (always my fault because of X), a cheater, liar, very charming, blew hot and cold – classis narsac. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I sat blasted into emotional hell. Not able to comprehend what just happened. How people could treat others like that – could not comprehend that. I was a doormat. It made me look really hard at myself and be totally honest about my part. I did not have boundaries. I did not speak up when something made me question WTF! I didn’t fully trust him – my gut instinct said not too – glad about that – at least my subconscience was working somewhat. The hardest part to overcome has been the coulda shoulda woulda have said or done if only if only my head was not up my a**. I had to look way back when to find the abandonment trauma I repeatedly experienced growing up. Why I kept seeking out people who would adandon me – trying to prove through each relationship that I was worthy of love, caring, respect, being treated as a human. I beat myself up and used other people to beat myself up too. I read somewhere that the amount of abuse that you will take off another person is equal to or less than the amount of abuse you will take off yourself. In other words if someone abuses you more than you would yourself – you would leave the situation. That was a mind blower. So now I am challenging these old beliefs I have about myself. I am changing the way I view me, treat me, set reasonable boundaries that I can respect and standards of behaviour that I will accept from others. I am finding me probably for the first time in my life. Its like I have acknowledged that I am a “grown up” and I can make my own decisons. I guess you would call that learning to trust myself while staying true to myself. I don’t give my last EUM/AC any credit for these self discoveries – its been many lonely nights getting comfortable with me and getting real. Thank you all for being a part of my recovery.
“The novelty can wear off for the thrill and drama of bad boys and it can feel like being on a permanent date, and that really isn’t exciting and you can’t forge a real connection or a relationship because it will feel like you’re perpetually regressing. It’s one thing to feel get high off the thrill of the chase and ambiguity as a teen or in your twenties, but it gets tedious the older that you get.” Put it there Natalie because that perfectly describes my sorry love life to date.And now that I have finally gained some self knowledge and understand my destructive patterns,I feel sad for all the lost years.I think it is wonderful for younger women to be able to recognise their negative patterns and to work on changing them because they then have a really great chance of finding love and a fulfilling relationship as you did.It is not so easy for those of us who are older.But you never know and knowledge is power.And you are right when you say the road is bumpy.It is and it can be lonely but despite the temptation to crawl back to the familiar,you keep going because the familiar is that permanent date and the perpetual regressing and no way do you ever want to go back there.Self love,self esteem and self belief will take you over any mountain at any age.Believe it girls!
Hi Everyone – I have a topic that I was wondering if you could help me with. Because of Natalie and this wonderful site.. her e-book… I FINALLY realized that ALL MY LIFE I had been accepting less than I deserved due to my lack of self worth and being a fallback girl in my relationships.. I made better choices and my world has, in return, changed. I am constantly making decisions based on me believing I deserve the best. I also believe it will always be something that I will be challenged with all the rest of my life.. constantly checking in with myself to make sure that I continue to strive to NOT accept less. It seems as soon as I really woke up to this.. just how long and how much I was accepting less.. crumbs.. I noticed how my friendships were the same. I was in long term friendships with those that also were emotionally unavailable… (it amazes me how much we’ll give and give with NO take) well… time has passed.. I am now married to someone who VERY much loves me.. and I love. It seems that now that I realized this epiphany… I am feeling the desire to face and then drop the friendships that ONLY have their interests in mind.
Is this normal? Once you finally see just how much of a fallback girl you are/were.. does it naturally progress into your friendships? I have gone my separate ways with 2 of my 4 “best” friends now… and I feel another is on the horizon…. The 2 that have dropped out of my life.. while I am sad and will always love them… I feel a sense of freedom that I am NO longer accepting less than I deserve…
Just wondering with everyone.. Has this happened to you? Natalie – any thoughts?