Over the past few years, I’ve written many times about the importance of boundaries, the personal electric fence that will all need that sets limits not only for others and how they treat you, but also for ourselves with what we’ll put up with. I work hard to push the message home because particularly with women and speaking from personal experience, we don’t always live and love with our self-esteem in tow, which then causes our confidence to be dented further as well as eroding our perceived value and not having us believing that we’re worthwhile.
Recently while talking with a number of women, i became somewhat fascinated by what they all perceived to be ‘deal breakers’, which is really about a characteristic or behaviour that has you declaring that it’s time fold and opt out. Why so fascinating?
Some people don’t have deal breakers. They could literally be treated every which way and somehow they’d find their way back to the relationship boardroom trying to hold together the ‘deal’ somehow.
Some people do have deal breakers…they’re just ‘odd’. They’d get blinded by chemistry and overlook some of the worst behaviour, but if they weren’t feeling wild passion, drama, unavailability etc, then their deal breakers are popping up all over the gaff. All of a sudden they’re too ‘nice’, there’s no chemistry, they don’t have enough of the same interests, eat their dinner funny, or whatever.
Some people do have deal breakers that mean that even when they’re happy in a good relationship, they’d kill it off for something they could stand to sanity check. Why would you kill off a mutually fulfilling relationship where you say you’re the happiest you’ve ever been but they’re not as good looking as you’d like them to be or they earn less money?
Some people do have deal breakers – they’re the code amber and red behaviours, signs of disinterest, and they basically know their boundaries – for them it’s a deal breaker from the moment that someone isn’t acting with love, care, trust, and respect towards them or causes them to act without self-love, self-care, self-trust, and self-respect.
If you’ve put up with multiple acts of disrespect from one person, you don’t know what your deal breaker is. You’re the type that says “I know I’ll leave when it gets really bad” but has no idea what really bad is. You want it to be 100% bad even though you’ve lost sight of what that is, and 50% bad spells trouble as it is.
We all need deal breakers – a ‘deal’ (read: relationship) without boundaries (read: terms) is a bad deal that will run and run, with you going into emotional bankruptcy.
We all come with inherent small print that basically advises other parties of the terms of use – it’s like the unspoken code between humans. Most of us assume we each have that small print and recognise that if we overstep the mark and don’t seek to meaningfully rectify, not only will the personal electric fence be buzzing like crazy, but we’ll be reminded of the small print, and/or the deal might be off.
My personal deal breaker is that if I have to go against myself, make it my vocation to show and say over and again what my boundaries are, and teach and raise adults from the ground up, it’s time to step. I’m not pretending for anyone, I’m on a Bullshit Diet and keeping myself firmly out of denial and if me being around or loving someone means that I can’t love myself etc, I’ll choose me every time. I’ll be damned before I’ll jump through hoops and cartwheel over hot coals trying to force my value upon anyone.
Any person that expects you to devalue yourself in the process of your involvement with them isn’t worth having around. This means you have to take protective measures, distance yourself, opt out, and/or cut off. Doing all of these things are acts of self-esteem.
The problem in many relationships is that we deny, rationalise, and minimise and as a result, we overlook a lot of things. Those who get into and stay in bad relationships have a great capacity to excuse and rationalise inappropriate behaviour – how deep they’ll get depends on how far their ‘compassion’ and ‘denial’ meters extend.
Deal breakers are those things you cannot overlook, but if you keep overlooking and overlooking, it makes it very difficult to see the wood for the trees. I don’t believe in ‘overlooking’ because there’s a fine line between that and denial. To overlook is to basically ignore and disregard.
Relationships don’t require you to ‘overlook’ a load of things like ‘Hey, I know you’re this, that, and the other, but because the chemistry is so great I’ll just pretend those things don’t exist’.
Relationships do however, require acceptance. That’s basically agreeing to accept reality so that you can make educated decisions about your relationship but also ensure that you don’t live in denial.
If you overlook things you inadvertently accept the behaviour – you approve it.
Many people get caught out by chemistry, common interests, Fast Forwarding, Future Faking, great sex and all sorts of things because even when you have reason to feel cautious, in these situations you decide that whatever you think you have outweighs any concerns.
The other pitfall is assuming that because you think you have chemistry, they look how you want, they share your interests, great in bed etc that this correlates to the rest of them and that they’re automatically in possession of shared values and other qualities and characteristics that you’d like.
So what’s the answer? Don’t overlook anything. That doesn’t mean you’re flushing people out left right and centre, but either date with your eyes and ears open instead of being blinded by chemistry, lust, and big illusions, or don’t date at all – that’s commitment, to you. It also means that your relationships have a spirit of acceptance which respects both you and them.
Dating is a discovery phase that requires you to do due diligence in the process of enjoying yourself with a view to working out if there is a capacity for growing this into a committed relationship. When you overlook in the dating stage and still wind up in a relationship, it’s like agreeing to subscribe to something without reading all the details, checking out what you’re getting, and addressing any concerns.
I declared years ago that it was a deal breaker for me to go out with someone that loves Sci-fi especially the likes of Star Trek, cricket, and is basically very partial to sports – this is the boyf. Don’t know where I was going to find a man with a penchant for sewing at weekends, Sex and the City reruns, exploring vintage shops and more… We have a great time with our diverse and in some cases shared interests nonetheless.
It’s up to you to decide what you can’t overlook, but I do suggest that if you can’t overlook stuff like appearance, common interests, money etc but you do manage to overlook what can often amount to open and shut cases of assclownary, you could stand to do some rejigging of your priorities.
Your thoughts?
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Tough one Nat. I have often had thoughts about a male friend of mine. One in particular is the sweetest man in the world, but he is very heavy and I have zero attraction to him physically. I can’t imagine myself overlooking that physical aspect in this situation.
I have decided that deal breakers for me will be; a lie, cheating, dishonesty, words vs actions, future faking.
I am not ready to start dating again. When I am, my fear is I am going to swing to far in the other direction. There must be a happy medium. Not to be a doormat and not being way too picky. Where is that middle ground? After being in our situations with A/C’s, trying to build our boundaries, know when to opt out, how do you KNOW when you are in a safe/balanced zone?
Natalie, This and the articles I’ve read on your site are the types of informative articles I used to search for in Cosmopolitan and New Woman and in the self-help and psych and sociology texts and such. They never contained the info but your blog does. Damn you are so wise and talented. Thanks for all you do.
Hear hear – my thoughts exactly. Excellent stuff x
This is a good one because this is one thing in which things can get a little murky. A superficial deal breaker for me is being overweight/obese. I can’t date men who are overweight/obese. BUT that doesn’t mean I’d deal with a slim or athletic man who happens to be a supreme assclown either. I guess this is where boundaries & discretion come into play?
I’m going to write a bit more on this but: The key here is that it’s your prerogative who you choose to be involved with so you wouldn’t be in a relationship with them in the first place for the deal to be broken because they’re not in your field of vision. It’s not like you’re going to get involved with someone who is overweight and then tell them it’s a deal breaker because that would be unfair and disrespectful. It’s not about forcing yourself to be attracted to someone that you’re not but it is about once you are attracted recognising that there ain’t nothing in the world that justifies putting up with shody behavior just because they’re physically attractive and get your libido racing. I would also add a real life example here: Close friend, said her deal breakers were that she wouldn’t be with a white guy or overweight plus she laid down the law about money. She has been happy for five years with a white, overweight guy. She hasn’t forced herself – trust me, she’s not that type and can’t hold anything in. They have two children and have been married for 3 years. Yes he has a good job but I can assure you that she nearly bounced his ass until she recognised what she would be losing.
Very interesting. Looking forward to the next post to further the discussion.
I was married for 23 years to someone who was nice-looking and successful, funny and smart–but also a complete narcissist. It hung together well enough at the times when our interests aligned, but there was a strong undercurrent of disrespect towards me and an real inability for empathy or self-reflection. Love felt very conditional (because it was–duh) and he had no ability to stay the course when he felt blue. I would have stuck with it for the sake of the family until, that is, the disrespect became so rampant that his eye was on a married girl/woman half his age with a new baby who seemed to think he was a catch (hint to women: if the fruit is so easily picked, it is likely rotten). It is now almost two years later–and I am the happiest I have ever been. Why? Well, as hard as it was to fracture the family, I no longer have to live a life walking on eggshells waiting for the next bout of frustration at feeling unloved and disrespected. And mutual friends introduced me to an absolutely amazing man. He was not my “type” and I wasn’t immediately taken with his looks by any means. But I spent time with him because he was so decent and kind and I knew he was special. As we got to know each other platonically I realized that I was falling for him–he was smart and funny and thoughtful and nurturing and completely open about his feelings and completely respectful and trustworthy. In fact, he was extraordinary and the two of us found something deep and meaningful together. And you know what–I now think he is the sexiest man alive and wouldn’t trade him for all of the GQ models in the world. That’s what love does–that’s when you know you’ve made it–when you love the inside of a man. I am not saying that every overweight ordinary looking guy is a prince–but I am saying that women would be wise to think less about the physical part at the beginning and more about gradually getting to know who someone is. If he is right, the physical attraction follows. And if he is really a prince–he will be patient and let you take things at the pace with which you are most comfortable.
My man & I joke that if either one of us gains weight we’ll leave each other. Our relationship is new, we haven’t said we love each other anymore. So it’s a joke, but when I say it… I’m kinda serious! I’m not perfect, but I am committed to being as healthy and fit as I can. I’m not size 2, but barring some sort of medical problem, I plan to stay the size I am or be smaller. He says he’ll do the same. If he did gain weight, I’d like to think that once I am officially “all in love” with him I wouldn’t kick him to the curb for it… but I’ve never been attracted to overweight men.
But my real dealbreaker is smoking… but if he was a habitual smoker I wouldn’t start dating him to begin with. A cigar here & there… maybe even a hit of the funny stuff RARELY I could deal with… but a regular cigarette smoker? No way.
OH YEAH! I have been down the no dealbreaker road and not again. Never again. I overlooked things that were in complete conflict with my inner core primary values and beliefs and my body took it out on itself quite literally. My own gut instinct screamed and I did not listen. It damn nearly cost me my life. Learned the lesson – thats for sure – if I can’t live with it and be comfortable in my own skin not lieing to me about the truth of it or trying to sugar coat it – thats a dealbreaker. There is no reason to settle for less or what “will do”. NO fear here to kick it to the curb even if it means I spent the rest of my life alone – which is highly doubtful anyway. I would rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons.
If you overlook things you inadvertently accept the behaviour – you approve it
I am a person who declared they had deal breakers and what would end a relationship for me, but when it came to the crunch I never left the realtionship nor did I even deal with the issues I just overlooked them and therefore approved the behaviour.
I have decided I can’t date until I am ready that means knowing what my boundaries are actually walking the talk so to speak.
I have been working on putting my boundaries in place and boy have I been copping a lot of flack those who are disappointed that I am no longer the doormat I once was but I sure am liking myself a whole better.
Wow, another post that cuts right to the heart of things. Why didn’t I protect myself and stick to the boundaries and deal-breakers that I set, early and repeatedly in the relationship? How in the world did I let him cross right over those boundaries, talk me out of the deal-breakers, on some huge things: cocaine use, fighting with my son, heavy drinking? My God, it took a huge, earth-splitting, soul-killing heartbreak for me to finally escape this AC, although like the poster above, I nearly lost my life, while he silently replaced me with a wife, who didn’t know about me, and realized 3 days after their marriage that he “forgot to tell” his girlfriend about the ceremony. What was I thinking!? Work on self-esteem, boundaries, personal protection (not just for sex), but mostly recover from this huge hole blown in my heart. It can be done! Thank you NML.
simular scenario, love your brief description of it LUCID.
Well firstly it was him oggling at his niece when i was pregnant, broke up. Got engaged, moved in to be told he enjoyed mentally having sex with every girl over the age of 16 and that was a normal thing. – Moved out.
During the interim before baby was born had texts of how he had a cocaine party over christmas and smoked canabis new years. DID MY NC… then after 2 weeks contacted him thanking him for breaking up and how it had been the best thing in the world for reasons my soul had said was worth more than 80% steak in lord sugars companies (self worth – talk it before walk it i suppose).
Had baby, he stayed over mine 2 wks to help after c section said he wanted the relationship to work (guess he didn’t realise it was over) Really painful for me as still loved him despite all the above, then maybe he had changed or not, yet he kept wanting to stay on a wkend and go to his in the week.
Lots of emails of me going mentally through the process of breaking up and who did what (with responsibility in right places, no minimising, no holding back.) Errecting the boundaries because i was actually hurting and i learn’t how it hurt to put them up and take them down analysising and questioning what is it about ME …… Till after finally having sex with him and seeing his face in the way he looked at his niece again whilst with me, – realised natalies “THE EXTERNAL STUFF – RUBBER NECKING” Check that post out.
Couldn’t pin point exactly what it was until then, talk about us being the greatest lesson we learn in life.
Then he called to say how he was going to a party, i called him after a nightmare about him taking drugs he confirmed it, even in an email, yet still tried to make out it was ok.
I HAVE THE BABY…. So NO it is not OK.
So now he has destroyed his chance of being happy and content in a loving supportive relationship with access to his child.
Me I got all the love inside of me flowing to exactly the right places and for the first time.
I KNOW IT, and now only things and people that act by their values which in all rights would always be LOVE (Follow natalie all the way to find your true love its been there all…
Great post, as usual. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. It seems that so many have a long list of superficial dealbreakers, mostly having to do with looks and money, but will put up with all kinds of bad behavior.
For me, there is one, all-encompassing dealbreaker, and that is lack of respect. I simply won’t tolerate a man who puts me down or calls me names or has a low view of women in general. I expect to be treated like your equal- period. All of the other stuff matters very little if you allow your partner to mistreat you in ANY way.
I personally agree with the ladies who’ve said they can’t deal with overweight/obese, it is not something I’ve ever been even a little bit attracted to, that said I know there are some ladies out there who like overweight men and so they won’t be lonely, it’s just not my thing.
There are also things that are dealbreakers for me today that weren’t many years ago and I think that’s because I didn’t have enough life experience to recognize it as such when I saw it. This includes men who have inadequate boundaries between themselves and others, alcoholics/drug users, men who are verbally abusive, men who are fathers, and probably a few other non-starters for me. I suppose some of the traits that don’t work for me, are probably just fine for other ladies and they will have their reasons for that, just as I have my reasons for what doesn’t work for me.
Regarding issues of attraction, I think it’s a bad idea to have to talk oneself into overlooking a physical appearance that somehow repulses you. You shouldn’t have to suppress a gag reflex just to kiss him or let him touch you. However the point Nat made I take it when some women say they can’t be with someone because the can’t be attracted to someone who is nice, which if she can’t pinpoint something wrong with him and just doesn’t like men who are nice to them, that might mean she might either need to do a little work on herself to find out why, or maybe she’s just not really looking for a serious, commited relationship.
I don’t know about anyone else, but my problem hasn’t been men being too nice to *ME* (at least not for any sustainable and consistent time), but men being too nice to *OTHER WOMEN* most specifically, their ‘harems’, or even just random women they felt like impressing or flirting with while ignoring me. There’s got to be better than that out there. People often ask me why I’m not married. I think I might be less willing to settle than some women, or maybe I just haven’t been lucky enough to meet the right guy yet, or a bit of a combination of both. Better things must be ahead for us all! 🙂
No infidelity, no “polyamory.” I’ve put up with way too much crap from men in my time, and I’m resolved not to allow it anymore, but those things have always been one bridge too far for me.
Oh, and no habitual lateness. Makes me crazy. Some people might not find that a deal-breaker, but I find it terribly disrespectful.
This is a GREAT post Natalie. I agree with liesha, you are without doubt…wise beyond your years.
I can definitely relate to this article. I’ve found myself at various points in my life not attached to the best “deals” (typically of my own making because I didn’t know about things like relationship terms and the importance of establishing them pretty early on). But, what I am now discovering about myself as a single woman– for the first time in a LONG time- is that having boundaries for yourself is okay. I do still struggle and have my moments of wondering if my boundaries are too high. Not my expectations, but my boundaries. I think because I was in a long term relationship, it’s hard to easily trust and what I am finding in the dating world (primarily online dating at this point) is so many men will say or do anything to test or get you to ignore or at least temporarily forget your own boundaries. And because of this I am reminded to keep my boundary taser on full alert. 🙂 Particularly when it comes to that one you think is Mr. Right– you know, the one that FINALLY seems normal, smiles in your eye and not your cleavage, asks about your Mom as a question and not a punctuation, holds your hand to get closer and not because someone accidentally knocked him into you, and the one who tells you he’s never met a woman….quite like you. Yeah, it’s the “quite” part that you gotta pay attention to. Mr. Perfect, right? What I am discovering about these “perfect” guys is that most always have a “perfect” excuse for everything, except why they have to have so many excuses. Future fakers to the inth degree. See, I always took a person at their word, but I realize some men enjoy the chase and will “future fake” to get a “present take”. So, while it’d be easy to simply ignore my boundaries and continue to go out with guys who want to future fake and make you believe they want more, while never truly committing, I’d rather click this site and get more empowered by NML and this amazing sisterhood of readers!
Future fake to get a present take. I like that. 😉
Brilliant, Natalie. I am the queen of “no deal breakers”. There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t have excused, overlooked or ignored in the hopes of getting the relationship I thought I wanted. It was desperate and more than a little pathetic, but I couldn’t see that.
What I loved most about this post is what you said about your own personal deal breaker – if it comes down to loving you or the relationship, pick you. Simple advice but very powerful and something it had literally never occured to me to do.
I used to say my deal breakers were being hit or disrespected or cheated on, until one day I looked up and realized I was putting up with all that and worse. Not only was I not picking me, there seemed to be nothing he could do, no matter how disgusting, that I would not put up with. No more. I pick me. If I end up alone for the rest of my life, at least I will always have my best interests at heart.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot recently. Still grieving over a 4-yr stint with a total AC who pulled just about every evil heinous AC trick in the book. I have gone to the more critical side and tend to flush them away at the first little offense, no matter how small or insignificant; I think I am reading into things way too much and my radar is on overdrive after having been ignored for so long. Somehow I am starting to think that’s not the right way to go about it.
My dealbreakers are: Dishonesty, cheating, disappearing for extended periods, selfishness, emotional manipulation, putting me down to lift yourself up, physical abuse, narcissism. I’m sure the list will grow longer the more I think about it… ugh…
My next realtionship or dates should be very interesting.
Im not sure i have ever really looked at dating in a logical way with my eyes open and ears pricked up. I have always been swept away with chemicals and chemistry and its never ever worked.
And each time ive looked back ive always realised i saw the issues right up front but chose to overlook them because the other stuff seemed good.
Another thing ill never do is exactly what Nat mentioned in this paragraph.
“My personal deal breaker is that if I have to go against myself, make it my vocation to show and say over and again what my boundaries are, and teach and raise adults from the ground up, it’s time to step. I’m not pretending for anyone, I’m on a Bullshit Diet and keeping myself firmly out of denial and if me being around or loving someone means that I can’t love myself etc, I’ll choose me every time. I’ll be damned before I’ll jump through hoops and cartwheel over hot coals trying to force my value upon anyone”
I honestly no that i mentally, physically and emotionally have zero tolerance for having to teach someone basic decency or common sense, ever again. If they dont get it im out because straight away that tells me we are fundamentally incompatable and i wont exhaust myself for anyone ever again. I will never jump through hoops for anyone ever again, this part i know for sure. I know that even if i started to id feel so uncomfortable that huge alarm bells would go off.
This is a good sign for me 🙂
I have to agree with spinster, I can’t date a guy that’s overweight and doesn’t look after himself.
I see two side to these dealbreakers for me. What you can see and what you can’t obviously see.
The deal breakers on what I can see. Someone who passes wind, burps in your face, had no table manners and slurps his drink. YUK! Last year I dated a guy who took me away for a weekend. On the first morning after we had slept in the same bed and he had drunk a HUGE workmans mug of tea (disgusting) he had a shower, passed wind came out of the shower lent in to kiss me and burped in my face. I dumped him that same day after almost running away from him! No manners is a huge dealbreaker for me.
What is not obviously to some, sometimes, is manipulation. I can spot it a mile away and it’s a dealbreaker for me. Someone who is willing to manipulate doesn’t have my best interest at heart, they have their needs and interests first. My exH is like it and I dumped him. I have a girlfriend who seriously manipulated (or tried to) a situation last year just to get me jealous. It didn’t. She had been staying at my house for three months. When I realised what she had done (which was just nasty) I politely arranged for her to leave my home. It took me an hour to help her pack her things. I’ve not spoken to her since.
Anyone that cannot show me respect in my home or otherwise – bye bye them!
In my youth I was given to believe that no one would ever want me. It took me decades to not simply be grateful that I was on a date or getting some male attention; I put up with anything simply for the experience of being with a man. I believed I should shut up and be thankful for whatever I got.
One way I think I trapped myself is by overcompensating later and believing I deserved to be treated ‘like a woman with class.’ i.e. I deserved a guy who did really well and could spend on me. A guy doing that really put a band-aid on my insecurities and I put up with all kinds of BS because he made me ‘look good’ (even if only to myself).
Eventually I learned that no amount of financial security or male ‘validation’ is worth putting up with disrespect, controlling behaviour, infidelity or lying.
I am very happy to report that I went on a very nice date this weekend. This man was respectful, kind, funny and smart. I don’t expect it to progress further but if you believe in the idea that we attract the level that we’re at, I was pleased (and felt my sense of self confirmed) to find myself out with a kind, attractive, smart single guy, genuinely interested in me, whose potential amber flags are about the same shade of yellow as mine.
More importantly, I’m super happy to notice that while last year, I pursued full-blown relationships with men who displayed red flag behaviour on the first date (when I had no sense of my own dealbreakers), I then graduated to ending the connection after the first red flags on first dates (see my post elsewhere about dude bringing up sex tourism on the first date!). At first it felt weird/bitchy/selfish to not cut these guys any slack.
Now I’m at the point of enjoying an evening with no red flags, just for what it is, without it having to be the beginning of anything. Yay!
I mean, really, we ought to be choosing from any number of men who don’t send off all kinds of warning bells, right? There have to be more than one. Now that I am confident that I say no to a$$ behaviour, I start to notice how many men there are who don’t make me overlook anything: they had seemed bland before. Now they seem a strange, new, drama-free world yet to be explored.
“In my youth I was given to believe that no one would ever want me. It took me decades to not simply be grateful that I was on a date or getting some male attention; I put up with anything simply for the experience of being with a man. I believed I should shut up and be thankful for whatever I got”
That could have come out of my mouth; and I know that’s one of the primary reasons I ended up with EUMs and AC.
I’m headed into my 2nd date with a so far nice, respectful, consistent guy who is not my type physically. We have little chemistry so far. But the guys I’ve had chemistry with have always been the ones with whom I had no boundaries, no deal breakers. I want to believe that “no chemistry” (so far) is a good thing for me.
Magnolia, I remember the sex tourism guy! Oy. I’m in the stage where I feel like I’m not being “nice” enough, so it’s good to hear that it passes 🙂
Wow! Look at the power you are creating Natalie…putting the words out and creating magic! Such awesome responses I’m reading. Has me grinning and thrilled. WOW
Somewhere else in this blog I read that women have a much longer list of desirable mate traits than men. The specific traits vary by women, but the bottom line is that we tend to have longer lists. Many of us are thus, by gender, programmed to be picky, sometimes overly so. Certainly we have confused a good many men as to exactly what the hell we want 🙂
Ironic isn’t it that we are often not so picky about what matters most.
There are plenty of women out there (and I have been one of them) who have decided to have our boundaries overridden – and the bedroom floor littered with broken deals – rather than be alone. Society is very forcefully aligned against “eligible” , “normal” people being alone, especially women.
A woman’s strength & ability to live alone is proportionate to her ability to identify, and act in accordance with, her deal breakers. Because that is the price you pay – when the deal breaks, you gotta walk away.
Fantastic comment. I actually felt like clapping here!
Another very timely post Nat. I have been thinking about what my dealbreakers are recently and by far the big one is disinterest. I don’t know if I have way higher expectations than most women when it comes to how a guy pursues me but unless he’s prepared to really put in an effort and sustain that effort I will cut them loose. Not too long ago I would be the one chasing them if they didn’t show much interest as I craved the challenge but this wonderful site and a few e-books have put me right and it’s so liberating!
My other major dealbreaker is when a guy comments to me about my best friend who is gorgeous, sexy and flirty. As soon as they tell me how nice, friendly, cool etc etc she is they are immediately cut from any further contact because as far as I’m concerned they are only paying me attention in the hope of getting to “know” her. The guy who’s right for me won’t even notice she exists and certainly won’t tell me how wonderful she is.
And then of course there are the usual – disrespect, lying, cheating, smoking, drugs etc etc. Overweight doesn’t bother me as long as it’s not total slob/obese type overweight. Finding a bloke in Australia who hasn’t got a bit of shade over the playground is a fair challenge 🙂
Gtash!!! “Bit of shade over the playground”!!! hilarious. I am American…now I want to move to Australia for the sense of humor!!! Thanks
Dealbreakers – or not dating at all. I think that is my commitment to me. After 20 years of dating/marriage, I actually think I am done. This weekend, I put in a new kitchen floor, primed and painted my deck, set up a workshop for my tools in the basement… and I seriously began to wonder what the benefit of a relationship was. I earn my own money, have my own savings for retirement, have paid off my car, can put in light fixtures, dimmer switches, paint like no body’s business, do a floor, travel on my own, do sports… etc. So what’s on offer and why sell myself short? When I was married, I did all this plus cleaned, cooked, and did laundry. I’ve come to think I am okay by myself and I never want to clean up after someone again or put up with the crap that seems to come with having a man in my life. I’ve been told I am jaded, maybe – I think I am realistic. I have AMAZING friends and a lovely family life so, I guess my dealbreaker is any guy who doesn’t pull his own weight and cannot keep up to me. Experience has taught me there aren’t a lot of them around. 😉
This post made me smile, since it’s pretty well exactly why I broke up with the last boyfriend a few months ago. Once I realized that he really had no clue how to behave in a relationship and I was doing a lot of educating and therapy, meanwhile setting a lot of boundaries that he seemed to regard as challenges or dares. Eventually I figured out that the only way I’d been able to get his attention and follow-through on relationship issues was to give him an ultimatum, and I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life giving him ultimatums–it was exhausting just to consider it.
It was a hard relationship to walk away from, as he had all the good chemistry stuff and lifestyle stuff and was at heart a decent guy who cared about me and tried hard, but he had a lot of issues and a lack of insight and was a bad match for me. Ah well.
I am curious if anyone is going thru this as well. Hoping this is not too off topic. I have noticed since I “woke up” from allowing the AC to bust all my “deal breakers” that my inner circle is getting thinner. I am not tolerating even small doses of BS from friends, family, professionals and strangers. People that either neglect, out right, or passively bust my boundaries. I realized, once again, it was time to “house clean” all the people who were busting my boundaries and more importantly I was ALLOWING to bust my boundaries. It’s been lonely.
Aimee – yes, I experienced the exact same thing once I woke up. I suspect it is pretty common. It is lonely at first when you clear away the relationships that no longer work for you. But, you are making room (and energy) in your life for more positive relationships. And these will come. I have many new friends in my life who I feel very lucky to have, many were always there – acquaintances on the periphery, but it took me waking up and looking around and clearing space in my life, for the friendships to develop. So, all this to say, give it time, it will happen and it is so rewarding when it does. Hugs!
Aimee I have definately done this and found that the people who don’t give a sh!t about your boundaries or feelings are better off gone from your life. Those that are real friends or worthy of keeping around will respect your wishes and at least try to make you happy.
As an example I have a friend who has the really bad habit of texting on her phone while we are at dinner or whatever. On her birthday I cooked her and another friend a really nice dinner and we were sitting outside enjoying the conversation etc except she kept up a text conversation with some guy who wasn’t even a friend of hers only an acquaintance. I let her know nicely that I didn’t appreciate it and while she griped a bit at the time trying to play it down she hasn’t done it since because she knows it annoys me.
Well I’d have to say you get to a place where quality over quantity is the choice…even if it means being alone. At least you know that you have your best interests at heart and don’t have to compromise yourself to please another…
I have the usual deal breakers- cheating and hitting being the top two. but I have to say, no. 3 is “mama’s boy”. I’ve dated a few only children (including my ex EUM) and find that mama’s boys are self centered and not considerate of your needs. They bring their mother into your relationship (or she insinuates herself) and frankly I don’t do menage a trois relationships. You will never cook as good as her, take care of him as good as her, or measure up to her revered stature. You will always come second. So I say, look out for the guys with healthy boundaries with their mothers- or look for ones with a dead momma!
“So I say, look out for the guys with healthy boundaries with their mothers- or look for ones with a dead momma!”
LMAO at the dead momma line!!! Hahaha
Unfortunately I think that may be worse – cause then she will be a saint. I think that’s worse than an alive perfect momma!!
Love it Natalie! It’s really funny how dealbreakers can change when you get real about what matters and what doesn’t. For instance, I would only date guys who were very tall (mind you, I’m very petite) and very good looking. That’s all great and fine, but in the name of this I ignored every red/amber/JESUS WOMAN, OPT OUT flag on earth and ended up with some very tall, very good looking….utter assclowns. Recently, my friends tried to set me up with someone who was tall, attractive and very successful. We haven’t met in person, but I flushed him because he was WAY too intense (he made up a nickname for me and called/texted constantly) and made a few suggestive comments that I considered inappropriate for people who haven’t…met. It didn’t even occur to me that I was flushing someone that was basically “my type”, because all that I noticed was how uncomfortable I felt. Ahhhh progress!
Someone above mentioned future faking, this perhaps happened to me last year. I just wrote a post about it here.
As for other deal breakers, I just can’t go for someone who is into drugs, even mild stuff like pot. A little bit of drinking – no problem. But the drug thing rarely seems to be an occasional experience, and always seems to be tied to a pattern of secrecy.
As a man, I also am resistant to women who want me to do all the pursuing and maintaining of the relationship. I can make the first move, even set up first dates. But the whole hard to get routine is tiresome.
Dealbreakers for me are real simple: Respect me and my boundaries. Don’t tell me I’m too sensitive, or it was a joke, or I’m too serious, or
I lack a sense of humor. Just respect the boundary that you just crossed.
I have learned to trust my gut, and when I feel sick inside, I know some
thing is wrong. And when I then say what is bothering me, don’t discount me. That is when I will run the other way. I will no longer twist myself into a pretzel to be liked by a man, and then dislike myself. The second dealbreaker is the emotional harem. This one can be tricky because of the internet. But if my relationship is being discussed with ” the women” then, it’s not what I thought it was anyway.
Amen! Everything you wrote is dead on. When they say “You’re too sensitive, think too much, etc.” is usually means “you are on to me and now I have to deflect the attention and turn it into your problem.” This is a huge dealbreaker.
Woah, gosh so i’m not huh? That I’m normal yeah? Seriously I’m not overly emotional? Not too sensative?…..
Fck I’ve heard that enough times from him and his girl friends, even blame it on the hormones huh?…mmm
Lack of morals and nurturing on upbringing i think then.
FLIP ME SIDEWAYS.
I love you guys, I’d be asking him whether it was safe to breathe by now otherwise.
Crystal: Too funny! LOL
Hormones?????? Don’t throw THAT one up in my face buddy – you don”t want to mess with my hormones. Best becareful when you mess with something that can bleed for 7 days and not die!
Thanks for making me snort with laughter! That line reminds me of an old South Park episode
Its been 13 months since I walked away. And it has been the toughest time of my life as I am working with my ex and the wounds would reopen time and time again. And yet I’ve come out of the tunnel on the other site almost startled at the bright light that shining onto my face. I’m stronger than ever before. In any new relationship, I won’t live in denial and override my gut… I’ve learned so much this year and the journey still continues, but your blog Nat was the straw that kept me above water. Thank you so much.
My deal breakers would be lack of respect, and more superficially, obesity.
Lack of respect covers just about everything for me personally. It basically includes: Lying, cheating, sh*t talking me down, using/manipulating and all that other not-so-fun stuff that we all come here to learn how to disengage ourselves from.
Sometimes, I can’t believe how many times I’ve allowed myself to ignore this deal breaker. But now I am here to learn how to never forget it. To make it more than just a “rule” but instead what I am all about – internally and externally. There always seems to exceptions to rules, but really no exceptions to values. I VALUE respect. Period.
Recently, I’ve worked really hard on this one. And you know what? The AC’s out there have suddenly started looking far less interesting to me.
Thanks for this article Natalie!
My biggest dealbreaker has to be cheating, followed closely by rudeness i.e. comments about me personally especially when they are not exactly flawless themselves!
I recently made a promise to myself to go more slowly when starting a new relationship, not to act in haste as to whether i am really into the guy, whether i could get up close and personal and use my antenna a lot more, eyes and ears wide open. At the first sign of disrespect i shall be the one to disappear not the guy!
Hello all
I’ve been in a relationship for 8 months now and overlooked a few issues that should have been dealbreakers..well not overlooked but justified the behaviour..
This morning my man told me that he wouldn’t be coming to a serious hospital appointment in the morning as I didn’t ask him ( I did over a month ago and he agreed). All week I have been saying how scared I am of going..He has other things to do apparently..when I got upset he said he would come with me but then he wouldn’t see me on the Sunday night instead.
I was very upset and let him know that this is simply not good enough or appropriate for someone who calls himself my boyfriend and threw him out.
He had the nerve to say that this wasn’t a very nice start to the day (meaning for him!).
This is a dealbreaker for me. I am sad and angry but I know that the hardest part is when the drama fades and I end up going over things in my head, justifying his actions ( he may be busy etc – he is studying and stressed over an assignment but not working so has plenty of time).. ..and I am scared of being alone again..
any advice for the next stage please?
Shania xxx
I agree with what grace has told you below. This guy is making it clear to you that you cannot and should not count on him, which is a huge red flag. I think from what you wrote you are aware this is a dealbreaker.
You added “I am scared of being alone again…” which is the bigger issue here. Afraid of being alone says there is an aspect of yourself you don’t like and are avoiding to confront it. As someone who used to hate being alone, I highly suggest breaking up and taking some time off by yourself. Date yourself. Go through a discovery phase with yourself. Identify those aspects about yourself that you are avoiding, and make an effort to fix these issues so you can love yourself, because until you love and respect yourself you are not going to meet a guy who will fully love and respect you.
I agree with Grace and Teatime. Unavailable people like him don’t do well with being needed. They tell you they’re there for you and then when you need them to be there, they’re nowhere to be seen. He’s also constructed the situation now that even if he DID go now, it’d feel very half-hearted. If someone has a hospital phobia, they’ll say especially in a situation like this. Also trading it like it’s some social event is very wankery. This is just not a caring, respectful way to treat anyone and there is such a thing as being alone in a relationship – it would be better to be by yourself. When you are scared to be alone you’re a magnet for people like him. Learn to love and appreciate yourself and your own company because desperate to avoid being alone means ending up in a desperate relationship. You are worth more than this – stop selling yourself short. Good luck for tomorrow. Hell if I was there, I’D go with you!
Shania, That poor baby…you have the nerve to want care, trust, respect, accountability…damn. What to do? FLUSH him the hell out of your life. Go NC…Immediately.
Big flush! He is not showing you love, care, trust and respect. My hubby took the day off work and sat in the lobby waiting for me to get my first mamogram because I was scared. He didn’t need too – I am a big girl I can go on my own but he wanted to be there and watched the mail for the results to come (breast cancer runs strong in my family). We opened the results together – cancer free – yeah – celebrated with a lovely glass of wine. NOW thats a dealmaker!!!
Hi again:-)
He called me last night but I didn’t answer. He had the nerve to send a text this morning saying ‘ i hope it goes well this morning. I will be thinking of you x’ – one kiss where it used to be three note..meaning he is feeling hard done by cos I dared to get upset at him. I replied that he is a selfish, hard hearted, uncaring b*** and not to contact me again. He replied ‘sorry I have upset you x’ > I replied and told him again not to contact me..
How nice of him to be thinking of me lol…bless…and a big FLUSH!
My appointment was ok. I am sore and have to wait for the results. I have just been crying all morning at how heartless he is and how he could treat me like this..
But the deal is broken..
Thanks for your support. Big hugs xxx
Good for you for hitting the breaks! And don’t let his x’s and o’s fool you – if my xAC would message me he would leave x’s at the end. As if a silly letter can make up for his assclown behaviour! You are worth more than that. Stick to the NC and don’t look back!
He sounds like a waste of time…. It is important to have your partner with you through all the hard times. If he can’t deliver or thinks it is asking too much of him, get rid of him! Definite dealbreaker.
Hope you are staying strong!
shania
I guess you decide whether to break up with him. It sounds like he wants the fun without the responsibility. It’s doubly worse that he agreed and then he backed out. if that’s a pattern to your relationship, that’s a dealbreaker.
On the other hand, he may have some kind of hospital phobia. (I’m being charitable here).
You’ll have to talk to him about it.
If you decide to break up, make it a clean break.
shania
by the way, I’ve had male friends fall over themselves helping me to move, taking me to hospital etc. I get that they were probably just trying to impress me, but men do understand that doing this stuff is a sign of their serious intention towards you. The fact that he doesn’t want to do it says a lot. It’s like he’s waving a sign saying “Don’t count on me”.
And I say a clean break because so often I read posts where the “break up” didn’t end anything, it was just the start of a whole new level of asshatery.
Shania,
I have been in a very similar situation. I had to go to the hospital for something very serious. I called my mid-twenties boyfriend of over a year at the time (now ex EUM) and he said to call him when I was able to. He had a friend in town and was playing frisbee in the park. I absolutely kid-you-not. I did not call him as I was dealing with something serious and decided to get upset about it later when I had time to deal with it. 8 hours after I was admitted and released he texted me “everything ok?” I did not respond until the next day when I called him and explained how hurt I was that he completely ignored what had happened.
He came up with excuses like “what was I really going to do or help with being there” and I though I was upset I actually excused his behavior but never really got over it. This guy was OK with just skipping out on the important stuff. I stayed with him for another 4 months and it eventually ended. I should have WALKED out on him the day he pulled that crap and I regret not doing it. Girl. Don’t be afraid to be alone…it is a shame the stuff we will put up with in order to just have a guy in our lives to tell us he loves us. WALK AWAY.
I was about to say words fail me Sam, but after being flabbergasted after reading this, I want to take that frisbee and wedge it in the crack of his ass. I was going to say I’m shocked, but then I realised that my ex whose mother blew on his bare tummy in front of me and liked to hit on my friends once put me into a taxi home after I collapsed in pain with what turned out to be a nasty kidney infection. I had literally forgotten about that (buried it) since it happened about 12 years ago. I’m glad you walked. There is absolutely no excuse. The truth is that they don’t do well with being needed.
Thanks for the reply. I’m telling you, if I went back in time and met myself….I wouldn’t recognize that girl to save my life. My priorities got so flipped around I didn’t know good behavior from deplorable behavior. Frisbee. Give me an effing break.
…and I’m literally laughing out loud from that blew on his tummy bit. I can just see your eyes doing the side-sweep as if to say “what the helllllll?”
I have to agree…when they need something it’s okay to see you about it, but when you need them FORGET IT…very sad but true.
My ex AC didn’t offer any support when I got called back in after a mammogram for a closer look at “a suspicious lump”. I was scared, obviously and he acted like it was no big deal. He said the morning of my appointment to call when it was over to let him know how it went. Well, I was in there for three ours, two more mammograms and an ultrasound later, I called him and he said, “Oh, hi. Can I call you back later, I’m at a friends house downloading music.” He didn’t even ask how I was or what they found. I was so hurt. My mammo was cleared, but all I could think was I could be facing breast cancer and he acted like I just got my teeth cleaned. When I told him it bothered me, he said that I took to long to call and he was busy when I finally did. He even questioned that I was there for three hours and turned it around that I was rude not to call him sooner. I should of known this would happen though, his prior behaviour when I was sick with the flu was similar. He went MIA. He showed his true colors way earlier, I just had my head in the sand. Glad to be rid of him.
Thanks for your replies.
At the moment I am feeling numb. I haven’t heard from him but managed to get through the day at work. As far as I am concerned it is over but I have still have some of his things. I don’t want to contact him at all about this…how can I handle getting his things back to him? He doesn’t live locally so I can’t ask a friend to do it…I have bagged everything up..
I do realise that he is unavailable and quite happy to do the taking and controlling the pace of the relationship. I feel I practically have to beg to spend time with him and its feels like he is doing me a favour..One thing I didn’t mention is that he still lives at home with his mum at nearly 40..Guess that says it all…
Hugs back..its great knowing you are all here xxx
Shania,
In regards to his things – don’t let those things be an excuse to see him if you do decide to cut this guy out/maintain no contact. I’m guessing he’s saving a lot of money on rent if he’s still living with the moms so he can afford to have UPS pick up his stuff or you can email him saying “this is your window of time to come pick up your stuff, it will be outside my door on Tuesday between the hours of 1-4pm and I won’t be home.” Get creative. Just make sure you don’t have to see him.
Thanks Sam..I am going to do that..I will put it in my garage and email him telling him it will be unlocked on tuesday when i’m at work and to collect it then or I will assume he doesn’t want it and it’ll all go in the bin…x
It’s interesting. I am a woman who has no real boundaries and tries (but fails, sometimes) to own that choice. I am overweight and almost over 40. Never married and after a third go-round with online dating where a man actually called me a piggish wh*re in a crowded restaurant, I decided I was done. I only see men in their 20s now. It’s only always a FWB situation. They are always smoking hot, I won’t sleep with a guy who doesn’t look mint. The tradeoff is that all action takes place behind closed doors. There was the one sweet guy who insisted we go for karaoke, and that was fun, but I cut him loose quickly.
In my past life when I dated, anything went, up to and including physical violence. It is good to read that so many women have a firm sense of boundaries and aren’t falling for the okee-doke. I wish there was a site like this around when I was actively pursuing something real and lasting, but the message is apt any way.
Oh Elle – Oh Elle
I DO NOT LIKE THAT JERK!! How dare him talk to you like that!
Please Elle, start working on your boundaries! You deserve a good man; an available man. Does messing w/ these 20 somethings bring down your self-esteem more after? If so, please stop!! My heart is with you! Sending love!
For me there are the obvious deal breakers (married or in a relationship with someone else, controlling, lack of respect, potential for violence, drug/alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, etc) but to me these aren’t deal breakers. You don’t even start something with people of this ilk. That being said, my deal breaker is the “disappearing act.” If you leave without so much as a by-your-leave, then we are done. I will not take you back, and I will have no further contact with you. Same thing for someone who needs space and/or time to think about what he wants to do with me. To me, when you say that, it means you already know how you feel, but just don’t want to be up front about ending the relationship. I have learned from my mistakes.
I agree with alot of posters on here about the usual stuff… dealbreakers include:
Lack of respect, dishonesty, cheating, doing non-stop “elevator stares” at other women, picking nose in public and the list goes on.
Ok, this looks really superficial… but read on after my first statement:
#1 dealbreaker for me = Small, bordering on excessively small penis.
Ok, so it isn’t because I have a problem with it, it is because THEY do (and I am sure there are exceptions to the rule out there, some really well adjusted men that accept who and what they are and are confident even though they weren’t blessed with alot of fruit in their looms). Ever heard of “short man’s syndrome”?! Well, as my last ex AC proved, there is such a thing as “small penis syndrome”. I tried to love this guy out of thinking bad about himself… it really didn’t bother me .. I felt we could work around it etc. Problem is he let the issue consume his thoughts, eat him up, and help make him the class “A” manipulating man-child that he is today. He did have alot of other issues too (lucky me!), and perhaps that was just a symptom of other feelings that he had of inadequacy I don’t know….
I think there are some attraction deal breakers right out of the gate, but attraction is so complicated and relatively superficial at first, we can’t really be damned for just not going for it. It’s the big deal breakers we sometimes ignore, that need intervention once the attraction is fully established. I’ve let a lot of really hideous stuff slide in my time, but as I continue to learn about myself, self respect and moving forward, one of my biggest deal breakers is when I simply don’t feel comfortable being myself. I’ve recently run into this and it’s a terrible feeling. One guy just wanted an audience to tell his stories to, had no interest in what I might have to say or knowing anything about my life. Another guy was overly possessive , inquisitive about extraneous details and constantly looking for clues to catch me me being the same kind of women who has burned him in the past. Both led to the feeling that it was impossible to safely be myself around them. When I catch myself adjusting, or departing in any way from who I am, it’s a warning sign to walk away.