An assclown is someone that mistreats you and more often than not eventually proves to be a waste of time and space. He (or she) adds little or no value to the relationship and the cost to you of being with him is often your self-esteem, your well-being, and for some, your career, family, or friends. They only have one foot or possibly even a toe in the relationship, or even nothing at all, and they knowingly (even if they deny it) mess you around and enjoy the fringe benefits of being with you (ego stroking, sex, a reliable shoulder to lean on, money etc) even though they don’t actually want you or have no intentions of ever giving you the relationship that you want. Often mixed in with Mr Unavailables, while some Mr Unavailables are assclowns, because they actively and knowingly seek to mistreat, exploit, and abuse people they’re involved with, all assclowns are ‘unavailable’, are narcissistic or have narcissistic tendencies, and don’t mean anyone that they become involved with any good and veer between at best being users and at worst, being very dangerous.
You know he’s an assclown when he relies on The Outrageous Principle and busting your boundaries – He’ll take a chance and ask or do the most ridiculous thing to test to see what he can get away with, and with your little or no boundaries, taking this risk often pays off. He’s always trying to push the boundaries and has little or no respect for any that you enforce. Basically if you have boundaries, a relationship with an assclown cannot and will not work because they on do things on their terms.
You know he’s an assclown when he has an ‘I’m Not That Bad’ attitude and outlook – He’ll often compare what he deems to be worse to make himself look better and won’t consider something to be bad if he didn’t think there’s been a tangible severe consequence. He also may not think he’s ‘that bad’ if he believes that you don’t know the true extent of his dubious actions plus coupled with his selective memory (see below with The Reset Button), he sees himself in a near glowing light anyway. He then backs up his ‘I’m not that bad’ attitude justifying it with ridiculous utterings (see below).
You know he’s an assclown when he liberally presses The Reset Button – He possesses a ‘special’ ability to reset the relationship to whatever point that he feels most comfortable with, which is effectively like erasing the past. This is how he breezes his way back into various exes lives, disappearing for long enough and then bamboozling his way back in and trying to force out the memory of his misdemeanours. You’ll either remember them but be so fricking relieved to have him back and feel like you’ve ‘won’ that you go along with his ‘brainwash’ or you’ll try to reason with him and explain your point of view about past events and he reacts negatively, effectively teaching you (see below with passive aggression) that if you ‘remember’, he’ll be offski or difficult to deal with.
You know he’s an assclown when he sheds Crocodile Tears – He uses tears with little or no sincerity in them that are used to get what he wants. Often mistaken for evidence of emotion. Or remorse. Unfortunately it fits in well with pressing The Reset Button and shifting the focus off his bad behaviour or the impact on you.
You know he’s an assclown when he uses The Dripfeed Manouver – Instead of being upfront and giving you all of the information, he makes the private decision to only tell you what he thinks you can handle at that time. Then it’s drip…drip…drip. Unfortunately for you if you’re an eager listener willing to believe he’s reformed or keen to be honest, you’ll take his latest drip as the truth and then become unseated when it turns out that you’re basing your relationship on another half truth. You are very likely to be caught out by this if you’re in denial about who they really are and don’t want to let go of your illusions.
You know he’s an assclown when he engages in Future Faking – Letting you think that there’s a future so that he can get what he needs in the present, you’ll be spun tales, taken on whirlwind rides where he promises the sun, moon and the stars, says he wants to have babies, get engaged, get married, buy a house, and may even show pony you around to friends and family, and then shazam, the future’s not so bright and when you call him on his rinky dink behaviour, he looks at you blankly, says you misunderstood, says that you didn’t meet his standards, or starts saying that he just needs ‘time’ or that it turns out that he’s not over his ex, or even worse, he’s been shagging someone else the whole time while he’s been spinning tales. You’re very likely to be caught out by this if you buy into the fairy tale illusion and don’t think it’s very odd when a man you hardly know is making grandiose promises and gestures that start to dwindle sharply. In fact, you don’t find it odd when a guy wants to fast forward you through the initial stage of the relationship.
You know he’s an assclown when he amends the Terms and Conditions of the relationship – Constantly switching the goalposts after luring you in on a temporary deal where you probably didn’t read the small print, little do you realise is that he’s mentally tweaking up the ‘agreement’ with every boundary busting manoeuvre he can manage. Tied in with his future faking, this guy reserves the right to withdraw the offer at any time or to roll out a different deal and if you want to be with him, it’s his way, or no way.
You know he’s an assclown when he does the Showing You The Door act – Dumping you to gain power and control, or giving you periodical ‘opt-out’s’ – ‘If you don’t like how I roll, you know where the door is….’, he uses insecurity and fear and the prospect of telling you to beat it, to keep you in check. You’ll fall foul of this especially if you ‘cry wolf’ and engage in Women Who Talk (and Think) Too Much syndrome because he’ll realise that you’re crying and talking/complaining, but not going anywhere and recognises that the threat of him going or him disappearing after you voice any opposition will create maximum impact, possibly even silencing you.
You know he’s an assclown when you get caught up in his Passive Aggression – Despite appearing to be on board, he obstructs and undermines through resistance that let’s him do as he always intended. As an example he’ll agree to go somewhere with you and pick you up at a certain time. You hear nothing from him on the day and an hour after he’s due to show up, he says he’s got problems at work and will be there soon. You wait. He calls throughout the evening and then says he’ll be there about 10 minutes before the event is due to finish… It’s the same when he says ‘Of course I’ll be faithful’ and then continues shagging around behind your back, or claims that he’ll move in and then comes up with every obstructive move possible. If you don’t get wise to this very quickly and keep buying into his lies, you will be continuously let down.
You know he’s an assclown when he relies on The Status Quo – A behaviour seen with Mr Unavailables as well, assclowns also try to keep the relationship in their own comfort zone by blowing hot and cold and managing down your expectations. What separates an assclown from a Mr Unavailable is that he has lots of other dodgy or downright outrageous behaviour that he’s doing while managing down your expectations.
Look out for more follow up posts on spotting dubious behaviours from assclowns. Also check out my post on how to spot emotionally unavailable men
Your thoughts?
Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl is a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them and will provide all the missing clues to why you date the men that you do. Also check out the rest of my ebooks in my bookshop. For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1081 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Hi ladies, I am new to this site and I have been reading the comments on the different blogs for a couple of days now, looking for advice/information to get me through the unbearable pain I am enduring after one final breakup (we’d broken up three times already, and gotten back together) with my selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, EU/AC boyfriend.
I have been in this toxic so-called relationship with this guy for 2 and a half years. We were both students at university, attending the same course and this is how we began. In my 1st year of uni, we were just acquaintances, you know, I’d say hi to him in class, chat to him occasionally on msn. He didn’t seem that interested in me and I saw him as just this cute guy in school, I had a little crush on him but didn’t act on it. Come 2nd year, he starts laying on the charm quite heavy. He’s one of these “I am God’s gift to women” types. And I, stupidly thinking he liked me, fell for his charms. It wasn’t long before we started sleeping together, and him, a few weeks later, blowing cold-not calling and ignoring me in class only to blow hot again when he was in need of some loving. He had the common excuses, you know, busy with school work, family etc, etc. To some extent, I think I knew we were just ‘friends with benefits’ but I was hoping a serious relationship would slowly develop.
He kept cruising in and out of my life and this ‘FWB’ business continued for about six months and we slowly became somewhat official (the relationship graduated a bit further to more than just physical) after I suffered a loss in my life and had to re-take the year……maybe he just felt sorry for me but didn’t really want a proper relationship. For a whole year, he displayed some EU qualities, not calling much, going out only occasionally, only coming over when it suited him and only spending a few hours. I tried to break up with him four months after this started happening but he wouldn’t let me. Said he was busy but he’d put in more effort, try and be better. He did, but this didn’t last long. I somehow learned to be ok with this behaviour. I knew this wasn’t ideal but I didn’t wanna be alone, so I let it carry on, I did my thing, and he did his but it still bothered me.
Before the beginning of the academic year 09/10, he decided he wanted to come live closer to me, saying I was ‘b****ing and moaning’ about us not spending enough time together. He moved into the flat next to mine. Things were good for a while and then I begun to get treated like a housemaid. I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry etc, all with no appreciation. He even started withholding sex, saying he was so used to seeing me each day, that we’d become too comfortable and there was no need to do it as often. He’d always go back to his flat at the end of the night. He’d never sleep over at my place nor would he let me spend the night at his.We were fighting all the time. If I asked him for any kind of favour, he’d always say no and when I complained, he’d say,”if you don’t like it, leave”-classic AC. I broke up with him three times when we were living close together, but then I’d ask him to take me back after a few days. He moved out after six months saying I was always ‘b****ing and moaning’, putting all blame on me as if he’d played no part in the fights we had.
He said after six months when the contract at his new place was done, we’d find a flat and move in together. But all this never happened due to a disagreement we had, where I was angry that he was back to his old ways again, putting his friends before me and coming to me when it suited him. He changed all the plans and got another place on his own. I was furious at him for putting my hopes up, thinking we were gonna live together and then suddenly dashing them because of the argument we had. This guy has got some nerve…….he expected me to be fine with this. I told him I was tired of this “get to me whenever” thing he was doing and that I couldn’t do this anymore (breakup # 4). I was crying my eyes out but this guy wasn’t even moved by the tears. He just looked indifferent, showed no remorse (did I mention that whenever I cried, he’d say I was trying to manipulate him and he’d never try to comfort me). He also said that he wasn’t that bad and that I was gonna need alot of luck finding a guy that was gonna stay with me for as long as he stayed. I was done and said to myself I wasn’t ever gonna talk to him again. I even refused his suggestion of remaining friends.
This happened in june, I went to visit my mum in another city and as I usually did, I began missing him and contacted him after four days asking him to take me back. “Mr high and mighty’s” ego had been bruised and he accused me of treating him like a doormat. Huh??? But I was the doormat for taking all his crap for such a loooong time. Anyway, he said there was no chance of that happening but I still continued to call him once a week for about three weeks to talk to him. What is wrong with me? He went on holiday for 10 days, he emailed me saying hello, he was nice and polite so I was thinking maybe we were gonna get back together when he came back from holiday. We slept together when he returned but we did not really talk about the relationship and what was going on with us until three days later. He said I needed to talk to his parents on the phone (they are in another country) to see if they liked me and if I liked them and we’d take it from there. I had to go away again to see my mum and I called him but he was in a bad mood and a week later, he was ignoring all my calls and texts. When I returned, It wasn’t until I told him I was moving out of my house and that he needed to come take his stuff, that he finally came over to find out what was going on with me. I had wanted to tell him that I was moving but he’d been completely ignoring me for more than a week. Usual excuse- too busy with work and some other things.
I told him to make a decision whether he wanted to be in or out and that this dancing game had gone on for too long and being in limbo was killing me and that I needed to move on with my life. He said he didn’t know what he wanted, he was unsure but still wanted to wait for maybe another two months before he could make a decision. I said I couldn’t wait that long and that I was emotionally drained. I was crying, he just looked at me like he was uncomfortable being there and then he left. This made me realise the amount of damage I’d done to myself tolerating this venom-injecting monster. He came back a few days later to take the rest of his stuff. I yelled at him and gave him a piece of my mind but he didn’t even wanna hear it, saying I was moaning again. My self-esteem is at an all time low because of this asshole but I am glad I am free of him. Its been four days of NC but am glad to say I haven’t cried at all since he left. But I miss him so much. I keep thinking that maybe I sabotaged the relationship by breaking up with him too many times and then going back on my word, what do you guys think? He wants to come back in two days so we can talk and say goodbye……should I see him one last time for closure or should I just leave such that when he comes, he finds me gone?
I am extremely sorry for the long post but I had to get this off my chest. I had to start the story from the very beginning for it to make sense. I hope you understand.
Sonia
Erm, you haven’t sabatoged the “relationship” by breaking up with him. There is no relationship to sabatoge. He uses you at his convenience. Anyway, he doesn’t see them as breakups, he just sees it as “bitching and moaning” because you always change your mind.
Fundamentally, and I know this is difficult to wrap your head round, what you do and say to him makes no difference at all to how he treats you because (i) he doesn’t care and (ii) he is incapable of treating any woman decently right now and possibly for the rest of his life. Do not waste your time trying to “fix” this issue of his. He doesn’t want to be fixed. He is happy as he is!
You are trying to mine a diamond from a dung heap. There ain’t no diamond there, only more crap.
Your only option is to get him out of your life so he can’t jerk you around anymore. No sex, no contact, no “staying friends”.
This guy has no respect for women. Period. Even if he were to, “in his own way” (I put quotes around this b/c guy friends would put it this way!), start to love you, you would not have an easy relationship with him. What starts off badly usually ends badly. Really, even if he were to start to love you and treat you with the according respect that comes with real love, and did change his ways, would you be able to trust him? You would be insecure ALL the time! And HE would be the one to have made you that way!
Don’t see common friends for a while. Take a long trip. Start over. And NC from now on. You are young. You have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you. Good that you learned this lesson (to stay away from toxics) now, rather than later!
Use him for what he is worth: if he is perceived by the world as a “catch” and “God’s gift to women,” then YOU use HIM. At least you are on the record as having dated someone like that. The reason why it ended: he wasn’t good enough for you!
people! The word of the mod(s) or in this case NML is final. Like arguing with an EUM/AC there is little point & you’ll never win.
Peace out sisters.
Well looks like what i felt was my ideal relationship has gone belly up!
We were together for 3 years, loved, laughed, cried, shared trials and tribulations within our respective families, he treated me like a princess most of the time and i thought at long last i had found someone to relate to as he told me now that i was with him he would always care for me even in our old age………….
Go forward a few years into the relationship and a few things about him started to be revealed but because by that time i was well and truly into him i allowed to pass. He works with quite a few women and he started telling me personal things about them they had revealed to him. I was not really happy about some of the subjects he was chatting about with them, especially various forms of sexual practices but when i queried it he always glossed it over and called me a prude whereas i upset him by calling him the office perv lol. He did not like that at all.
So i asked him if he would ever be tempted to cheat on me and he said he had ‘no interest’. Hmmmm…..well this year i found out quite by chance after he started withdrawing sex with me that he has been cheating on me with one of these women for over 12 months – nice eh? There is little old me thinking i am with someone who can keep it in his pants because of his love for me and he has let me down. I had it out with him and he has finished our relationship – he got that in before i did because i could never be with a cheater, if they do it once, they will surely do it again is my belief.
The downside is that i really miss him, the love we did share, the nice things he did for me, but i feel badly let down so there is no going back for me. I could never trust again and that is really sad. Its been over a month since we last saw each other and i have not heard from him. Friends think he will try to get me back in the future, but what do i do – anyone?
That is awful, to say the least. If I would you I would read the sh*t out of this website, draw advice and strength from Natalie’s posts (there’s a lot on coping with break-ups, boundaries and No Contact) and the experiences of other women (and men) who have had this identity-shattering experience, and gotten through it.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable advising you in any certain way as to whether to bank on this guy getting back into contact – he might, but he might be too ashamed/arrogant – and, more importantly, whether you should accept him back again. It would take a lot of self-awareness, remorse, therapy and self-esteem-building to rebuild that one, I imagine.
I think the best thing for now (and probably forever) is to stick to your principles and instincts, and keep yourself in a position of dignity – that you’re choosing not to be with him because what he did was a boundary-bombing. This is an immense, sustained betrayal, probably one of the worst, at the top of the assclown traits mentioned above.
I think this time needs to be about creating space (no contact!!!), healing (treat yourself like you’re a patient in hospital, but with nice food and the outdoors), building strength and finding peace of mind, rather than, in any way, tailoring this time towards being prepared for him to contact you (or not). I would try to avoid even thinking about a possible reunion, as it hinders the grief process (although, of course, shock and bargaining are natural). You seem to be pretty strong about it all (ie that once a cheater…), but I think you’ll feel even more resolved when you’ve healed a bit more. A month is not very long after 3 years together…
Keep hopeful about yourself and be among people who love and respect you. I am sorry this happened to you.
Hi- I have read all your posts on assclowns and other labels for dysfunctional men and find them entertaining and helpful. I love this site as a whole but I guess I have one minor critique…maybe more of a comment or questions, really. You say that like attracts like and that, if we are attracted to EUM that we must really be EUW. I agree with that. I also get that the point of some of this is to help women wake up to dysfunctional or even abusive relationships in their lives, typically ones they are holding on to and so the language may be a bit harsh or inflammatory to do that. But, what I have some problem with is tone, for lack of a better word. Men who do this are “assclowns”, “Mr. Unavailable”, users, cheats and liars who are only thinking short term and taking without care or concern. Fair enough. Yet the women who love them are painted in a much nobler light – we give too much, have no boundaries and love and talk too much. You do hold us accountable for our dysfunction and I like that. But I notice the language is much softer, less condemning and overall more respectful. It seems to me that both the men and women in these relationships are trying to get their needs met, usually selfishly and with a certain amount of dysfunction. Why are the women portrayed as loving and noble, if somewhat deluded or dysfunctional, while the men are assclowns only out for a shag? What is the difference between a woman seeking validation for her feelings of low self-esteem and a guy “getting an ego stroke”? I am not asking to be difficult or contrary – I am seriously asking. Perhaps a blog on this might help clarify your stance.
I do love what you do and will always read it. I just think that perhaps a little less hostility to the men for doing essentially the same thing as we are doing might help in the healing and forgiveness process.
Hi Sule. I suggest you read this http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-hes-not-an-assclown-because-he-broke-up-with-youdoesnt-want-a-relationship/ one of several posts around the subject. Being a Mr Unavailable doesn’t make someone an assclown. Many Mr Unavailables are not assclowns but all assclowns are emotionally unavailable. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-real-about-recognising-inappropriate-relationship-behaviour-he-doesnt-need-to-cheat-or-beat-to-be-an-assclown/ I also have an entire ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl where I answer all of those questions plus there are numerous posts on validation, beliefs etc. I also don’t portray women as loving and noble – it’s just your interpretation. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-a-responsibility-dodger-or-a-but-girl-caught-in-your-own-relationship-insanity/
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-past-the-fault-lines-relationships-are-100100-partnerships-not-5050/
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/a-lesson-in-the-self-fulfilling-prophecy-of-seeking-validation-in-relationships/
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-people-dont-see-their-qualities-contributions-to-relationships-accurately-part-one/
There are over 1100 posts and I use the word ‘assclown’ and a different term ‘Mr Unavailable’ because they are different.
Thanks for the critique!
Sule,
I thought your post was interesting, as I had the same thought for a while until I read more on this site, and beyond. If you read the other blogs as NML says, you should get a broader picture. Even so, on the whole, I do think we are less harsh with the behaviour of the EUW. However, I think there is good reason for that (which I will explain shortly)
NML’s point about not all EUM’s being ‘Assclowns’ is also pertinent. – assclowns are characterized by their really quite abusive, willful and wanton, negligent behaviour in relationships where as the EUM essentially has a commitment phobia (there are varying degrees of severity). As NML says the assclown also has this, but he is also just a total rat, just because he is.
The writer, Steven Carter, explains the difference between the EMU and the EUW quite well for me. Essentially the male with this EU problem generally has what is referred to as an ‘active’ fear of commitment (emotional intimacy etc.) whereas the problem in a woman is generally ‘passive’.
The active (male) commitment phobic ‘actively’ (who would have thunk it!) seeks intimacy with a woman (that he actively pursues) but his need for space and his fear of being trapped (etc.) in the situation then has him actively withdraw. (One minute he’s all over you like a hot rash, the next minute he behaves as if you have a highly contagious terminal disease – the hot rash is never a good sign!)
Hence, as NML describes, he blows hot and cold by turns, manages the woman’s expectations down then up then down again as he tries to control the ‘temperature’ of the relationship to his own comfortable level; he acts like a thermostat controlling the status quo..
The woman,on the other hand, is passively avoiding commitment; often completely unaware of her fears she believes she wanting a long-term, settled relationship with this man, but her choice of partners tells a whole other story!
So the female passive EU is at the rough end of her EUM’s double messages, his ambivalence, his hot and cold behaviour; “one big walking excuse”, he is riddled with contradictions as he both seeks and runs from intimacy in equal measure.
So he does actually do a lot of ‘active’ damage to a woman (EU or not). It is typically the woman – or the passive partner – who suffers terribly at the hands of the active partner’s utter inability to commit to the relationship, to love, and, at the same time, his utter inability to end the relationship.
Essentially, his unrelenting ambivalence makes it all but impossible for him to commit to anything, which is why these commitment phobic relationships can go on (and off and on again) quite literally for years and years.
One notable thing I have read about Assclowns is that they seem to treat the woman as an ‘armchair psychologist’, as NML has decsribed… I don’t think the EUM tends to do that?? I think they are emotionally disconnected, are unlikey to talk about “their feelings” or what their “issues” are. They have a lot of trouble with the word “love”, you rarely hear it uttered, and never, ever in the same sentence as “always”!
My experience with my EUM is that emotionally, the shutters are down and no-one is home! They do not talk about it. Ever. Full stop.
(sorry; I think I went off the point of ‘how to spot an assclown’), but I think – or do I just hope? – that there is a distinct difference… I now know the man I’ve been involved with is an EUM – I just didn’t know unitl recently that there was a name for it!! But I don’t recognise many of typical assclownery in him other than that which is concordant with the EUM.
Thanks.
practicing NML’s NO CONTACT with a man who I spent the best looking years of my life pining after when he was very cruel and inconsiderate with me for the majority of our “relationshipâ€, if you can it that; i.e. he was extremely emotionally abusive. He is someone I grew up with, and even as children he did not invite me into his social circle, which I desperately wanted to be a part of. My mother and his mother was best friends (I think)….it is complicated, lets just say we had one night together and then he stopped talking to me for 14 years……14 years! Stonewalled me! So I went back to school got my M.A. and have been working on my own development. Part of closure to me was to confront this piece of work and ask him why…do you know he still just could not be totally direct and honest? And then he tried to start some skanky affair with me. I did not get hoodwinked this time, I just stopped accepting his calls. And the last time I saw him, where he was surrounded by friends and family, he acted like he did not know me and just high tailed it out there like a dog with his tail between his legs.
It hurts me that he is so callous, but t also affirms my decision not to engage with him anymore.
Elizabeth,
Good decision.
I think we all, at some point, desperately want the answer to that question: “WHY?” (the why did/does he behave that way towards me question; all those behaviours NML advises us to look out for in this blog)
The sooner you start to see that what he did/does or didn’t/doesn’t do has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU the more you understand the futility of the question and you stop asking it!
(When it rains hard and you get soaked, it’s not raining ON YOU – it’s just raining! So take cover!)
When I started reading this site, I began to see that my EUM’s assclown behaviour has NOTHING to do with me… what joy! What release!
The active (male) commitment phobic ‘actively’ (who would have thunk it!) seeks intimacy with a woman (that he actively pursues) but his need for space and his fear of being trapped (etc.) in the situation then has him actively withdraw. (One minute he’s all over you like a hot rash, the next minute he behaves as if you have a highly contagious terminal disease – the hot rash is never a good sign!)
One notable thing I have read about Assclowns is that they seem to treat the woman as an ‘armchair psychologist’, as NML has decsribed… I don’t think the EUM tends to do that?? I think they are emotionally disconnected, are unlikey to talk about “their feelings” or what their “issues” are. They have a lot of trouble with the word “love”, you rarely hear it uttered, and never, ever in the same sentence as “always”!
@Fearless
Please forgive ne for copying and pasting two paragraphs of your posting, but you are so spot on with what you say about these types of men! Your comments mirror my ex exactly as he was. He did not even know what ‘love’ was and asked me to explain it to him. Then one day he decided he did love me after thinking about it, he was all over me like a rash one day, then the very next day he told me he did not want a relationship with me anymore!
Well to say i was totally confused is an understatement, i really thought it was me who had lost the plot and not him. I could not understand how you can love someone one day and not the next. How mixed up these men must be, thank god i am not of the same mindset as he obviously is.
Well, i have to report that i am almost 3 months of NC after 3 years together, and i am beginning to really enjoy my life. I am volunteering for a charity (i am now retired), i am knitting for premature babies, i have joined a few social gatherings, writing letters to friends i have been ignoring while with HIM and it really feels good. So i look forward to the rest of my life with expectations, and i shall certainly know what to look for in a man if i feel the need to try again.
Thanks everyone for your help and encouragement, and special thanks to Natalie who has been a shining star in my hour of need!!
This hits so close to home, I don’t know where to start.
After almost 10 months of effort, I’ve just been ditched by an Emotionally Unavailable and Ambivalent man. Initially, he pursued me incessantly. Constant texts, calls and words about how “F*ing Hot” I am and how lucky he is to have found me. At first, I didn’t respond to him much, and I didn’t even agree to a date until after weeks of him asking. He seemed to almost worship me until I gradually started to express my feelings for HIM. As soon as I did this, he started blowing hot and cold. Never liked to talk about commitment, the future, or where we were going. I seemed to have been the giver, making all the dates, initiating intimacy, and talking about our relationship. He did finally ask me to be his girlfriend, but never seemed to be on time or call when he said he was going to. Lots of excuses, and blatant acts of rejection along the way. He kept me in a constant state of confusion. However, he took me to important family functions, his best friend’s wedding. (Strangely, the bride pulled me aside at the reception and hugged me saying how glad everybody was that I was “still around”. I obviously did not read into that one, did I?) Anyway, he seemed to give his parents, siblings and friends the impression he was serious about me. After we got back from a vacation, he had to take a job many miles away, but we both decided to continue to see eachother in a long distance relationship. He kept reassuring me that we could make it work, no matter how difficult. It was August when he moved, and I have flown to see him twice. He has visited here once, but only because of another reason, not just to see me. Again, I had to be the one to initiate and talk about when we could see eachother next. This last visit to see him in the first week of October went awry. Everything seemed to be alright, he introduced me to his new aquaintances as his girlfriend, talked to them about how long we’d been together, etc. But at the airport, before I was to leave, he admitted to me that he might not be mature enough for a relationship. WTF?? No kidding, now that I look back on it. The whole time I was seeing him he wasn’t affectionate, talked about how pretty other women were (movie stars, models, etc.) and vascillated enough to make my head spin. Every guy talks about how hot other women are, right? I tried to make excuses for him, dimiss it as normal guy behaviour. Listen, I’m not a supermodel, but I can hold my own in the looks department, yet he made me feel ugly and undesireable on several occasions. I knew it wasn’t right, but I kept it going, hoping he would change and get closer to me. I did call him on his shit several times, and he would do good for a while because I thought he respected me and might be afraid I’d dump him. What lead to him dumping me, I trust, is that, as we were pulling into the airport, I simply asked if he thought we were getting closer. He got angry and said, “No! We’re not getting closer, we’re 1000 miles apart!” And then proceeded to say that he felt we should go in seperate directions. Even asked if we could still be friends! WTF? I said no way, it wasn’t right. So, there I was, in tears and in emotional hell, having to board a plane with a bunch of other people. I sent him an e-mail the next day, telling him I thought it was a mistake to break up, that I didn’t think he’d given it enough thought, how good we are together, yada yada. Didn’t make it sappy, but I was doing what women are hard-wired to do, COMMUNICATE. He responded a few hours after, saying that he would call me that night. Well, that night came and went, but he sent another e-mail that night around 11:00, apologizing that he hadn’t called, that he needed to some time to get his head straight. Asked me to please give hime some time, and he would call me soon. That was going on three days ago. I have NOT attempted to call him at all, nor have I responded to his e-mail. He knows I got it, and knows I’m waiting for his call. Why am I? Well, it’s hard to go from him calling me every night ( a gesture I thought as a real imporoved effort from someone like him) to no calls at all, and I feel I’ve invested too much in this relationship to give up. Also, I foolishly have some small hope that he could change if he wanted to. What’s sad is, that it was obvious that his family was hopeful that we would last. They said alot of things to me, encouraging it. Do they know their son and brother is Ambivalent and probably won’t ever change? I don’t know, perhaps. It’s such a shame. We LOOK like such a great couple, and we DO have so many things in common as well as awesome physical and mental chemistry. The only difference is, I feel the love for him that he cannot or will not allow himself to feel for me. What was it all for??
Hey @Mary Jane. We’re all on this site because we’ve been through similar experiences. It sucks, and you can’t really stem that for now. It just sucks. There are paths you can choose not to go down – i.e. I wouldn’t entertain the thoughts about your lack of value too much. From what you say, it seems like you know you’re a worthy, great person, who is capable of giving, trusting and communicating. As for him, he sounds like he gets a boost of confidence in the early days, feeds of this, and then freaks out when he has to deliver in ‘real life’, and it’s obvious that his friends and family know that too. Common story. It’s rife, these intimacy disabilities. Men in particular think they have a few more years and women to get through before they have to get it right, that it will suddenly come to them. This attitude doesn’t help us women who pray we might be that one for whom they change.
As for your final question, it’s too early to judge. You’ll learn every day a little about what it is all for. At first, it will pertain to his shortcomings, patterns and possibly diagnosable disorders, then it will be about the signs you missed and the shame in not enforcing your boundaries and being loyal to your values, then there will probably be a counterbalancing stint of anger when you can’t believe someone treated you so sh*ttily – and, I have to say, his panic in the car was vintage AC/EU behaviour, as is his pisspoor avoidance now. This will all be interlaced with sadness – missing him, missing the routine, missing the hopes, missing the ‘other’ in your life. Then, slowly, he (and his problems) will fade from the picture, as loving you and cherishing this opportunity for growth become the focus (and, while this sounds unlikely, in a weird way, you’ll probably end up having affection for the experience). You won’t even care why he can’t love you properly. It will be enough to know that he didn’t. New things will come.
But there’s no way of rushing through this. Grief is a journey you can’t really choose to be on. You simply have to trust that it’s a finite one. All you can do for now is help yourself get through: try to love the sh*t out of yourself, force yourself to do nice things (like exercise, cheesy movies, meditation, friends, planning and going on a short trip), read this site, write down what happened, write down your thoughts, write down what you’re looking for in a relationship and what this one lacked, work it out so you can hold onto reality (and hold on tightly to that). For that first week or two, I kept having to say to myself, “[Name] is not in my life anymore. This is my reality.”
Don’t contact him. The cleaner the NC, the more strength and dignity you have in this period that you have to go through. You have all the information you need already.
You’ll get through this, but I do know how shocked, hurt and robbed you feel.
Elle,
Thank you for your heartfelt and very helpful response. You should have your own advice column, I’m serious.
Hindsight is certainly 20/20, and I’m sure I’ll get over this man, it just hurts in the self esteem and ego department. I still haven’t heard from him, cannot believe that I won’t, not after almost 10 months of dating, but there I go again, giving this guy the benefit of a doubt. He doesn’t deserve me or any other decent woman. He’s 37 and I’m 36. You’re right Elle, it’s true that men seem to think they’ve got all the time in the world to get it right.
…I just wonder what type of women these kinds of men end up marrying??
Don’t imagine that their getting married turns them into a faithful partner. Mick *cough* Jagger.
I wondered that too, propelled further by the AC saying that he wanted to find someone ‘more perfect’ than me. My ex AC is 35, I am 32 (and it was 10 months too). My mother thinks he (and by extension, these sorts of men) will end up with a 23 year old,* someone who doesn’t know her mind yet, but then be in for a world of trouble when she does. Divorce no. 1.
Natalie really helped me in my thinking – when she wrote (not sure where) that basically when a guy like this rejects you, it’s actually him saying that you’re not fertile ground for him to piss his pathetic-ness all over. She was more witty than this, but this was the take-home for me.
Who knows though. I might be his epiphany moment for his grand love, but, in a way, I don’t mind if I am. I’ve got other stuff to find now. (But this is because I have gone through all that icky ego stuff – yikes, that can be a challenge – and have pretty much made it through to the other side. You’ll still be sitting with yourself soon enough and feel the things that Natalie talks about in her most recent post…and, in all likelihood, he’ll still be being a panicky clown, lashing out at people who dare to love him.)
*With respect to readers in early 20s – it’s just that women change so much in the decade from then, (and then again in the mid-late forties, says my Dad!)
mary jane
it is horribly confusing but you have to grasp the core truth that sexual attraction, things in common, looking good together, approval from friends and family mean nothing if he doesn’t actually want a committed relationship. And he doesn’t. He likes being admired, he likes the affection but he certainly does not want to limit himself to getting that from just one person, no matter how “hot” they are.
Also, I KNOW how giddying it is to be hotly pursued by a man but I reckon 99 times out of 100 that equals an a$$clown. A decent person takes their time to get to know someone before laying down promises and raising expectations.
At least you know now how these men operate. Check out the site and you’ll see how horribly predictable his behaviour is.
Yeah Grace, you hit the nail on the head as well.
At least I know it’s not ME, it’s HIM. God, I’m so sick of hearing that cliche’, but it’s TRUE. Yes, it seems that he may have used me as a vote of confidence, an outlet for admiration, an ego boost. The things he and I have in common are supposed to count in any relationship with lasting potential, but men like him are blind to that. It doesn’t matter what you do, don’t do, how good you look, how talented, fun or funny, how good you are sexually…these types of men keep looking for something they’re never gonna find, because they don’t know their head from their ass. They can’t find their pants. They’re ASSCLOWNS, lol, thanks y’all, I love that word. I will start saying it out loud everytime I feel like crying over the numbskull…Which will be in the wee, small hours of the morning. I’ve been automatically waking from sleep, crying at 4 a.m. every morning since he broke up with me on Monday…hoping it was all a bad dream.
MaryJane–
1. Don’t cry for the idiot. Don’t make this in any way a reflection on you. He is immature and not worth one more second of your time. He was immature at the beginning; he was immature at the end. And he showed you who he was (a baby who doesn’t know what he wants) at the beginning, too.
2. Who they marry? Not necessarily a young girl (though the ones who are big on getting a trophy wife, and who have already shown that they date “way younger”, may do so–this is a bad reflection on them anyway–it shows their immaturity and quest to “look good” to others by carrying a nice object on their arm). But definitelty The Woman who is Right in Front of Them when They are Ready for Marriage. Whether it was an on-again, off-again Fallback girl that they tortured while they were on their continuous quest for something “better” (as my former AC, and the ACs I grew up with, did)–which, BTW, may be a marriage based on guilt, too–or the woman who literally walks in front of them when they are ready, it doesn’t matter: it will be based on timing.
Also, Grace is right: they will still cheat. They will not be 100% devoted. Unless some sort of epiphany or life-changing event changes them. But that would mean that they would have to analyze their life in some sort of way; right?
NOT!
@Mary Jane – you are certainly not alone. I just went through the phase of waking up at 4am and cry. My AC and I ended in late September saying that he no longer wanted to hurt me when he couldn’t deliver on what he promised. Then a week later, I saw him on a date with a new target. That was insulting and a huge blow to my self-esteem. I have been applying the No Contact rule ever since. Well, since I walked up to him in the downtown Toronto financial district the following Monday and told him I was at that same restaurant that evening. I didn’t look for his response and I just walked away. AC or EUM are all lazy, thinking that they can just walk all over women by doing whatever they please. They have to be in control at all times (he is a lawyer at a very small firm, not accomplished). I did this to make sure I close the door on him, no one dare to call him on his poor behaviour, because most of us will just be quiet and fade away, and that’s exactly what AC likes to see. But most ultimately, I did this for myself for my own closure, that I stood up for myself and gained back that self-esteem that I lost when I was with him. I did this because I wanted to make sure I no longer lingered on the idea of wanting him to come back because it would be another episode of further pain (keep in mind that he even told me he didn’t think we were over, and that we would be in touch again at the time when we broke up…. so predictable!)
Mornings were difficult at first, but I can assure you things will only get better from now on. It’s exactly what Natalie says, if all his behaviours don’t work for you (incapable of loving, caring, being trustworthy and he is downright disrespectful), it will not work for him as well. For what I read in my earlier journal entries, I didn’t even know I made all these observations since date #1 and my system did reject him, only I didn’t follow through. It is a time for reflection and self-growth. Life is going to change in a very good way once you are committed to do it and close the door on him mentally.
It has always been about him when you two are together… and now, you need to put all the energy back to yourself.. because, it will be all over you first.
ps. This AC / EUM are universal. I am from Canada… and this UK website rocks!
Thank you Rosina, Used, and Grace…funny quip about Mick
…..And, ladies, it’s Monday, and he still hasn’t called like he said he would. So, I thought I’d let you guys read his e-mail he sent late this past Tuesday night in response to mine, to see what you thought:
*********
“I’m sorry I have not called tonight. I’m making out a test for tomorrow that I did not get done over the weekend. While I want to further discuss my angle on our situation, I simply cannot do it right now–I need some time to get my head straight, and that includes catching up on some work so that they don’t fire me.
I’m sorry that you had to deal with the whole situation unexpectedly and by yourself on the plane on the way home; that probably wasn’t too fun and I really didn’t want to leave that way, but in the interest of full disclosure, I had to let you know what I’ve had on my mind. I can no longer ignore the sense of trepidation I feel about our situation. It’s been building for the last couple of months and it’s shown itself in the way I interact with you sometimes and that’s not fair to you.
Please let me get a couple of things ironed out here and in my head; I will call you soon.”
-(name withheld)
Mary Jane, forget him. He can’t even make a simple phone call. Emails are the coward’s way out.
He’s already broken up with you, trying to make him change his mind is only going to make you look pathetic and needy to him. Let it lie. Consider the relationship over, grieve, eat ice cream, then go about your business.
I agree with Grace: Coward Coward Coward. Maybe I should capitalize all of the word, not just the “C”! I also don’t like the use of the word “angle.” Sounds weird… too collegiate or like a salesman. He is hoping you will “fade away”–as mentioned above.
Don’t contact him. But you have my full permission to contact whoever told you about him at that wedding and tell her, “Hey, thx for the warning! I should have heeded it!” And then proceed to tell her EVERYTHING about him. HE DESERVES IT! (And don’t think that you may “lose him” with this strategy. He is already lost. He told you it’s off.)
THEN go NC.
I hate men who admire, bring hopes up, and then need themselves the “drug” of admiration. He projected his own need for admiration onto you. When you did admire him, he didn’t need you anymore, b/c his need for admiration was fulfilled. He thought, “I got her! Now I will always have her!” (Like a vampire. Ever wonder why those “Twilight” movies are so popular? They are great for this day and age. Especially b/c doomed love is always “in.” This guy dooms it HIMSELF.)
@MaryJane
When a man tells you outright verbally that he’s not ready for a relationship; BELIEVE HIM. Most don’t and will lead you on regardless but he did what he suppose to do and that was let you know. Sometimes we are the one’s that fail to heed to the redflags ; warnings; and even proof out right verbal confessions. Its a hard pill to swallow but it saves you however many more months of wasting precious time with someone who knows he’s not ready(not necessarilly uncapable)of being in a committed relationship. You can’t put a date on when a man’s going to be ready. I say take him being honest with you as a blessing and let him walk. Over time you’ll be glad you did.
Yeah, I agree. As much as we can be upset about how it happened – and how it happens matters as far as assessing someone’s character and whether you could actually ever be friends in the future – the fact is is that he’s telling you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, for whatever reason – whether he’s a jumpy crazy or not.
It HURTS like hell, but it happens in most relationships in life. I remember someone saying to me that I was now standing with a bike with one less wheel. The bike doesn’t work, and while it SUCKS and it’s sad, there’s nothing that can be done with that rusty single-wheeled frame. You have to walk away. I kind of regret analysing the email because it’s really not that relevant what he wrote to you – it’s what most people do, on a spectrum, when they’re ending things – make themselves out to be doing something noble, limit any chance of the other person changing their mind, do it as quickly as possible and hide away in shame, write a version of the parties involved and the relationship in a way they can live with.
I assure you, this email won’t seem that important to you in a few months’ time. The reality is the same. It’s awfully painful and the way he ended things was not courageous or especially kind, but he did it, and you have to hold tight to that reality.
I assure you, I was there, having those same horrible mornings, and flashbacks, only a few months ago. You have to go through it – it’s a trauma – so try to focus on things that will help you on your way.
It looks like a classic case of a controlled person – good with words – even some legalese, good with acknowledging your situation, but only to a point, also making sure he is still seen as the good guy and that he HAD to do what he did because of his feelings (which are to be taken VERY seriously).
I have to be honest, my stomach had a flip at the ‘trepidation’ line, as that was the sort of careful, clever language – that is somehow at the same time honest, as well as brutal and condescending – that typified the thesis of an email my AC sent to break-up with me. One should not have to read this sort of thing. They’re always (in my experience of n = 1) so good at presenting via email and never as ‘smooth’ and balanced in real life.
But the work excuse and the fact that he hasn’t called says it all – he just doesn’t want to deal with his feelings, and with the mismatch in what he has told you, over some time, and how he has treated you. He just wants to stabilise himself after doing something that he was scared of doing. Be careful with him rebranding this as a favour to you. In the big picture, it certainly is, but I just hate how they repackage their sh*tty behaviour as noble because they finally have the courage to dump you at the airport, when you have no chance to respond or control any of the discourse.
I would try not to look at this email again (after feedback from BR). There’s no real or new sense to be made of it, well not anything that’s going to make you feel a great deal better. He’s not the guy for you.
I agree with everything that’s been said, and, elle. your “Be careful with him rebranding this as a favour to you.” is exactly what I was thinking – and I love the way you express it so succinctly. Me EUM rebranded every single bit shitty, selfish behaviour he ever dished up as “a favour to me”. They are so full ot it!
Mary Jane – everyone else is so right here. Grace speaks a lot of sense and always gets it right on the money. He doesn’t want to discuss. He has broken it off in a callous cowardly way (his breaking things off at a time when talking is impossible is not an accisent or a coincidence; it’s by design – and if you don’t walk now you will only get more of the same. As NML says, he is showing you who he is – believe him the first time.
It annoys me the way these men always assume we will be waiting around for when they are good and ready to honour us with a phone call (it’s like, ‘I may fling you a crumb if I feel like it, and you can sit and twiddle your thumbs while waiting for my call’)
Mary Jane, if I have been in your position – all this “I will talk to you soon” (I used to spend days trying to figure out that he meant by “soon”; and it was never the same as what I mean by “soon”!! His version of “soon” actually means “if and when I ever feel like it and I probably won’t! If mine had been saying what he actually meant, it would have gone more like this: “I have no intention of talking to you any time soon, if ever”.
I can only say that if I could turn the clock back his return mail from me would read something like “don’t bother your shirt; I won’t be wasting any more of my time on you”
That is not what you will say… but in time you will wish you had.
His actions speak for themselves. Walk away with your dignity still intact.
I would just like to say that you ladies have really helped me out alot. I thank you all for your personal insight from experience and sharing your own stories with me. I keep telling my Mama, “if only I could make sense of it all…if only I had closure.”
You see, I romanticized the entire relationship. I saw something in him that wasn’t there. I couldn’t see the hurtful and dangerous man he really was. The red flags were waving the whole time, but I just kept making excuses for why they were there. Everyone tells me “it’s not YOU, HE’s the one that’s screwed up!!” Yet I still keep looking in the mirror and wondering what he might not have liked about my looks…thinking about our conversations, wondering what it was that I might have said wrong…and I wonder if it might have been something I did. It is shameful how a good woman can let some assclown coward make her second guess herself, make her question her own self-worth. I have also thought about how everytime someone would compliment me when I was with him, he would actually squirm in his seat. On one date, at a Japanese restaurant, he accidentally knocked over his water glass when the waitress told him what a lucky man he was to be with me. That made him so nervous…but why? None of it makes sense. Y’all are gonna have to shoot me. That’s all there is to it. I’m SO angry at myself for letting this louse into my world.
A bit of me thinks that he’s dissapointed that I didn’t bring him into my professional circle. I’m a songwriter, and maybe he thought he could make his way into the label? He’s a musician on the side from being a college professor with a doctorate in English. ( aha!, Ms. Used, you got it right when you noticed his “collegiate” use of the word ‘angle’ in the email he sent me.) You all are SO dead-on, it’s uncanny!! Anyway, perhaps it has nothing to do with the whole music deal, but that’s me grasping at straws, trying to find an “answer”. Ha. Man….
Sooo, he STILL has not called, or communicated, and today makes a WEEK since he said in his e-mail “I will call you soon.”
Yes, Ms. Fearless, their “soon” is a whole different “soon” from ours. Pathetic.
Mary Jane’s email explaining why he ‘can’t talk now – later’ could have been written by my EUM!! They always do the ‘woe is me’ statement, which is designed to make you feel sorry for them and bad about yourself for “annoying them at what is “always” such a ‘difficult time for them’.
The minute you mention the status of the relationship or his behaviour in it he instantly conjures up some emergency that means he cannot talk to you about this right now… and not only do you jot get the dialogue you deserve, you get to feel like a bit of an inconsiderate shit for asking for it.
In Mary Jane’s instance he can’t talk because he is swamped under a deluge of work that needs done as a matter of great urgency and if Mary Jane insists on being so selfish and inconsiderate she could be the cause of him being “fired”. So, effectively he can’t talk to Mary Jane or he will lose his job!! And of course Mary Jane would not wish to be responsible for that!
All bollocks of course. My EUM would pull every ‘woe is me’ excuse out of the book. I’ve heard them all. He even l “lost his voice” on a couple of occasions. And these excuses invariably come with some life or death situation for him. Last time I spoke to mine on the phone he was happy to talk about nothihg in particular, but the minute I mentioned the “us” word he was too sick to talk to me and the message was that if I persisted in making him talk to me I would be a mean and selfish person who did not care about the fact that he was ill.
They are so full of it.
Mary Jane, if you want to know “what has happened” read all of NML’s blogs and there is some good literature out there as well on commitment-phobic relationships. It’ not you – it’s him – he is what is called an “active commitment avoidant”. Though if you think you do want a committed relationship, you also need to look at why you chose to try to get one from the likes of this man that you are describing here (it’s a bit like heading directly the bus station because you think you want to take the train! If you really want to get on a train you are wasting your time standing at the bus stop. That’s the general message in the literature and here on NML’s blogs which explain it all so well).
Good luck
F
Hi Fearless. You are so right.The ex eum…when I was in the midst of breaking up with him pulled the ultimate. He said “I tried to kill myself after my divorce” so of course – I shut up. He moved out the next day. No talking, no debrief – nothing. They will say anything to avoid any emotional conversation. Gross.
Mary Jane,
Don’t be angry with yourself. What I tell my daughter is that you went into the relationship with a pure heart and that she should be proud of that. I also told her she has learned much from this experience. Don’t waste anymore time on him. You can never get closure from an AC. You have to give it to yourself by forgiving yourself so you will no longer be angry at yourself. I think the part that is hard about it is accepting that you made a mistake in judgement and learning to trust yourself again. I know my daughter is going through that and so am I as I felt I should of known who he was and protected her from him since she met him so young. We all make mistakes in life some that end up hurting us. Every day we wake up and make a choice when we are going to forgive ourselves and move on. I do believe that some AC’s are sociopaths and need help. Who could be happy doing what they are doing living life without any true emotion. If they are not sociopaths then they are just evil and let God handle it. I read that hatred at someone is like drinking poision and expecting the other person to die. We do more harm to ourselves then them by holding onto it. Learn to love yourself again and that not every man you meet will be like this and you now know what the warning signs are. Let it go and enjoy your life instead of trying to figure him out as you already know who he is. Like other’s have said stop giving him this power over you.
Do any of you speculate what MAKES these AC/EUM’s the way they are? Some occurance in their childhood, how they were raised, or were they just born that way? My EUM has a great mother, father and two younger sisters and they are all highly educated. One sister is happily married and the other is in a long-term relationship. The only one who seems to have a problem with emotions and commitment in that family is him.
Hello Mary Jane,
I have been asking myself the same question about what makes a man turn into an AC. My daughter dated one for three and half years and their was a three year age difference. Everything I read matched his treatment of her. I tried to get her to see who he really was and eventually did with poking around on facebook finding pictures. They broke up several times and it has been a little over a year of NC. I read these forums to try to get some insight on who this person was. He was like a family member but was living a double life. Promises of marriage and blowing hot then cold. The werid thing was that he was always wanting the relationship to progress very fast. I think he thought if he could get her away from her family (he already had her alienate many of her friends) he could have total control. Someone mentioned that their AC was from a different country. This AC was also. I think it is the upbringing and the male superiority that does it as some countries demean women so much including the one that he was from Albania which is heavy into human trafficking. When the movie “Taken” came out he was so distraught about us seeing it. I wanted her to see it because I think it opened her eyes to his culture. I felt as a mother I was battling the devil sometimes. Initially I felt sorry for him because he came from another country and did not have much. He rushed her into a relationship and was controlling. She gave up her plans after high school for him and now I think she resents it. I think she is still angry at times and hesitant to date but getting stronger every day. AC’s play on your emotions and fears and blow hot and cold which make it very confusing. I think they are also sociopaths that are incapable of feeling any real emotion but emulate it. They look for someone they can control or bring down.