An assclown is someone that mistreats you and more often than not eventually proves to be a waste of time and space. He (or she) adds little or no value to the relationship and the cost to you of being with him is often your self-esteem, your well-being, and for some, your career, family, or friends. They only have one foot or possibly even a toe in the relationship, or even nothing at all, and they knowingly (even if they deny it) mess you around and enjoy the fringe benefits of being with you (ego stroking, sex, a reliable shoulder to lean on, money etc) even though they don’t actually want you or have no intentions of ever giving you the relationship that you want. Often mixed in with Mr Unavailables, while some Mr Unavailables are assclowns, because they actively and knowingly seek to mistreat, exploit, and abuse people they’re involved with, all assclowns are ‘unavailable’, are narcissistic or have narcissistic tendencies, and don’t mean anyone that they become involved with any good and veer between at best being users and at worst, being very dangerous.
You know he’s an assclown when he relies on The Outrageous Principle and busting your boundaries – He’ll take a chance and ask or do the most ridiculous thing to test to see what he can get away with, and with your little or no boundaries, taking this risk often pays off. He’s always trying to push the boundaries and has little or no respect for any that you enforce. Basically if you have boundaries, a relationship with an assclown cannot and will not work because they on do things on their terms.
You know he’s an assclown when he has an ‘I’m Not That Bad’ attitude and outlook – He’ll often compare what he deems to be worse to make himself look better and won’t consider something to be bad if he didn’t think there’s been a tangible severe consequence. He also may not think he’s ‘that bad’ if he believes that you don’t know the true extent of his dubious actions plus coupled with his selective memory (see below with The Reset Button), he sees himself in a near glowing light anyway. He then backs up his ‘I’m not that bad’ attitude justifying it with ridiculous utterings (see below).
You know he’s an assclown when he liberally presses The Reset Button – He possesses a ‘special’ ability to reset the relationship to whatever point that he feels most comfortable with, which is effectively like erasing the past. This is how he breezes his way back into various exes lives, disappearing for long enough and then bamboozling his way back in and trying to force out the memory of his misdemeanours. You’ll either remember them but be so fricking relieved to have him back and feel like you’ve ‘won’ that you go along with his ‘brainwash’ or you’ll try to reason with him and explain your point of view about past events and he reacts negatively, effectively teaching you (see below with passive aggression) that if you ‘remember’, he’ll be offski or difficult to deal with.
You know he’s an assclown when he sheds Crocodile Tears – He uses tears with little or no sincerity in them that are used to get what he wants. Often mistaken for evidence of emotion. Or remorse. Unfortunately it fits in well with pressing The Reset Button and shifting the focus off his bad behaviour or the impact on you.
You know he’s an assclown when he uses The Dripfeed Manouver – Instead of being upfront and giving you all of the information, he makes the private decision to only tell you what he thinks you can handle at that time. Then it’s drip…drip…drip. Unfortunately for you if you’re an eager listener willing to believe he’s reformed or keen to be honest, you’ll take his latest drip as the truth and then become unseated when it turns out that you’re basing your relationship on another half truth. You are very likely to be caught out by this if you’re in denial about who they really are and don’t want to let go of your illusions.
You know he’s an assclown when he engages in Future Faking – Letting you think that there’s a future so that he can get what he needs in the present, you’ll be spun tales, taken on whirlwind rides where he promises the sun, moon and the stars, says he wants to have babies, get engaged, get married, buy a house, and may even show pony you around to friends and family, and then shazam, the future’s not so bright and when you call him on his rinky dink behaviour, he looks at you blankly, says you misunderstood, says that you didn’t meet his standards, or starts saying that he just needs ‘time’ or that it turns out that he’s not over his ex, or even worse, he’s been shagging someone else the whole time while he’s been spinning tales. You’re very likely to be caught out by this if you buy into the fairy tale illusion and don’t think it’s very odd when a man you hardly know is making grandiose promises and gestures that start to dwindle sharply. In fact, you don’t find it odd when a guy wants to fast forward you through the initial stage of the relationship.
You know he’s an assclown when he amends the Terms and Conditions of the relationship – Constantly switching the goalposts after luring you in on a temporary deal where you probably didn’t read the small print, little do you realise is that he’s mentally tweaking up the ‘agreement’ with every boundary busting manoeuvre he can manage. Tied in with his future faking, this guy reserves the right to withdraw the offer at any time or to roll out a different deal and if you want to be with him, it’s his way, or no way.
You know he’s an assclown when he does the Showing You The Door act – Dumping you to gain power and control, or giving you periodical ‘opt-out’s’ – ‘If you don’t like how I roll, you know where the door is….’, he uses insecurity and fear and the prospect of telling you to beat it, to keep you in check. You’ll fall foul of this especially if you ‘cry wolf’ and engage in Women Who Talk (and Think) Too Much syndrome because he’ll realise that you’re crying and talking/complaining, but not going anywhere and recognises that the threat of him going or him disappearing after you voice any opposition will create maximum impact, possibly even silencing you.
You know he’s an assclown when you get caught up in his Passive Aggression – Despite appearing to be on board, he obstructs and undermines through resistance that let’s him do as he always intended. As an example he’ll agree to go somewhere with you and pick you up at a certain time. You hear nothing from him on the day and an hour after he’s due to show up, he says he’s got problems at work and will be there soon. You wait. He calls throughout the evening and then says he’ll be there about 10 minutes before the event is due to finish… It’s the same when he says ‘Of course I’ll be faithful’ and then continues shagging around behind your back, or claims that he’ll move in and then comes up with every obstructive move possible. If you don’t get wise to this very quickly and keep buying into his lies, you will be continuously let down.
You know he’s an assclown when he relies on The Status Quo – A behaviour seen with Mr Unavailables as well, assclowns also try to keep the relationship in their own comfort zone by blowing hot and cold and managing down your expectations. What separates an assclown from a Mr Unavailable is that he has lots of other dodgy or downright outrageous behaviour that he’s doing while managing down your expectations.
Look out for more follow up posts on spotting dubious behaviours from assclowns. Also check out my post on how to spot emotionally unavailable men