There are behaviours and situations that get presented in relationships that signal that you need to opt out or at minimum, slow down and address the situation before proceeding. What I’m about to explain are what typically make you incompatible, or signal a particularly unhealthy relationship or that there are things that you need to address about you.
The chief problem that I come across time and again with people faced with code red behaviour is that we don’t do what we’re supposed to – opt out.
Instead, we analyse the crapola out of it, blame ourselves, minimize the extent of the problem, assume we know better (we don’t), or decide that us and our love make us the exception to the rule. Many of us also see the perfect opportunity to be an emotional airbag or to fix, heal, help – we end up on a pedestal.
Even when confronted with code amber behaviour, we don’t process the information, pause, access what it means to us and the relationship that we have in mind or our vision of the other person. We don’t ask questions, clarify information, or assert boundaries – all things that should happen in an amber situation.
It’s time for you to decide what your line is – when you know the line and your limit, they know the line and the limit, either because they’re not crossing it, or you bounced them out of your life.
Following my original post ‘knowing when to bail – red flags’, I’ve now delved a little further because so many people try to be the exception to the rule and have little or no boundaries. Aside from there now been code red and amber situations, what helps to differentiate between the two or even change the status is context:
If you have previously been involved with the same or similar, or their behaviour is very similar or the same as a parent or authority figure from your childhood, or you actually have the same issue, you must abort mission. No question.
If you have not habitually been involved with someone similar or the same, no family history and whatever the issue is, they state and can show that it’s in the process of being dealt with for at least a few months, it’s a code amber.
If for whatever reason, the situation feels familiar to what has been previously unhealthy relationships, it’s code amber, or if in being involved with them you’re acting without love, care, trust, or respect to yourself, or would need to in order to continue, it’s code red. Some things are a flat out code red and I have marked it with FOCR.
Addicted to something (FOCR) – If you meet someone and they are addicted to something (gambling, sex, alcohol, drugs, etc) and not aware of it and doing something about it, this will impact on your life greatly if you continue. This is an especially dangerous situation for Florence Nightingale’s.
Married Or Attached (FOCR) -The moment that you opt into one of these situations, you communicate the wrong things about yourself. Anybody trying to pursue you while with someone else is shady. Decent people get their house in order – they don’t stock up on an emotional airbag.
Anger and aggression (FOCR) – If they have trouble keeping their anger in check or are physically aggressive, or very intimidating when they want their own way, this is an abort mission.
They play victim (FOCR) – Be careful of anybody that refuses to take any responsibility for their life and blames it on others – Be extra careful of people who when they experience a problem, don’t see their part in it. You will eventually become one of those ‘others’.
Not over the ex – (FOCR) – If they say they’re not over their ex, are recently broken up and hurting, are excessively angry with them (i.e not neutral), are hooking up with them, secretly trying to get back together with them, playing you off against each other, whatever – bow out. Fast.
Controlling – Steer clear of anyone that wants to control you. They start out with small stuff and then bit by bit increase their level of input. Jealousy and possessiveness is control, not love and especially when experienced early on or it increases bit by bit where you feel like you have to justify, explain yourself, and let them keep track of you. If you are unsure of what you’re experiencing, it’s code amber, evaluate the situation, throw some icy water over your feelings and plans, 100% eyes and ears open, and try to have a conversation with them about it. But if this is within days or weeks (certainly within the first 3 months), code red.
Problems with past/childhood – Pasts can be overcome (I have) but if there are issues from their past that impact on their ability to healthily engage, it’s code amber if they’re prepared to go to and stick to therapy, and code red if they’re not prepared to, deny, or play it down, or it’s coupled with other code red and code amber behaviour.
Dodgy attitude towards sex – This is about very different sexual values. If they’re into shady stuff in the bedroom, it’s at the very least a code amber, or depending on the nature of it, a code red. Don’t try and revolutionise the wheel and if you don’t want to have threeways, being watched by your neighbours, beaten etc – opt out.
Irresponsible – irresponsible with life in general – bills, rent, job and borrows money off you? Wants to move in after you’ve known them a wet week? Acts like a recycled teenager? Code amber depending on the level of discomfort. Not being good with money and having a weakness for shoes isn’t a code red but not being good with money and gambling it, their house, or whatever away is.
Sleeping With Others – If you’re OK with being part of a casual ‘relationship’, this is code amber as you still need to proceed with caution and ensure your own emotional and physical safety. If you’re emotionally invested, or think you’re in a relationship, it’s code red.
Nasty and spiteful – Mean spirited people don’t stop being so in a relationship and may attack your self esteem by latching on to what they think are flaws in you. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they’ll be this way with everyone else but you. This is code red and it also covers narcissists – while they will charm you and disarm you, when they turn, they turn.
Emotionally Unavailable – This means unavailable for a mutually fulfilling, healthy relationship. Unavailable people give limited relationships because they have limits on what they are able to give. If you don’t see the signs and recognise the disconnect, use this as a code red to check your own availability.
Bulk of communication by text and email etc – These lazy forms of communication are code amber.
They’re an assclown – There’s ten very key signs that you’re with someone who means you and the relationship no good. People who act with love, care, trust, and respect don’t do stuff like pressing the Reset Button, the Outrageous Principle, sneakily changing the goalposts of the relationship, the Dripfeed Manouver and telling lies/misrepresenting themselves. This also covers off anyone who is a narcissist.
If you’re experiencing more than one of these ‘issues’, that’s a code red, especially if you have only recently become involved with them.
These are the key things that you need to be very aware of and set as your limits. Anything else is down to your own boundaries so it’s important to recognise what has made you uncomfortable in the past and why, what your values are, and ensure that actions match words and that what you’re doing is congruent with who you profess to be. If you want to know if you’re in code amber territory due to how you’re feeling, use these questions.
Knowing your limits leaves you free to be available for healthy relationships. Knowing what’s shady keeps you emotionally safe and healthy.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
• 
• 
• 
• 
Related Posts
179 Responses to Understanding Code Red and Amber behaviour in Relationships
Get Notified When There’s A New Post
Natalie’s Books
I'm also on Google+.
Code amber behaviour?
I am seeing a new guy (3-4 months). He compliments me often and has expressed wanting to take photos of me (the playful/sexy kind…..). I straight away said no. But after spending a couple of days with him recently he took a picture of me fully clothed, but later on took more pictures of me not fully clothed. They were quite playful and my face was not in the picture. I jokingly said he needs to delete them, but I stupidly did not make sure he did it in front of me. Now I’ve gone back to him and asked him to make sure they are deleted, he says they’re on his computer. I’ve asked him to delete them from his computer. He says he will.
Now the pictures are not that incriminating really, thats not the real issue. The real issue is that 1) I asked him not to and he still came back and tried again, on the third time he succeeded.
2) I did not re assert my boundary and let my guard down, even though I am not a fan of ‘sexy’ pictures of me and I feel that it is too early in the dating to let him have this.
This has happened with a couple of things, where I have said no intitially, but let that turn to a yes later on. Im slipping back to old patterns and I hate it! if only there was a little angel on my shoulder whispering mantras and advice in my brain on these days……
But of course there *are* other things that are giving you cause for concern…following on from my previous comment to you. I’d say texting is the least of your concerns anyway…. You said no and he started taking pics and you went along with it but have asked him to delete. In the meantime those pics have made it from the camera to the computer? What the what now?!
But sexy pics aside the bigger issue here is that you state that something is a boundary/not wanted and he disregards.
You’re not comfortable having nude photos taken of you whether your face is shown or not. It doesn’t matter if *he’s* ok with it – you’re not.
A lukewarm boundary is as good as no boundary so now you need to be very direct and go around there and ensure that he has deleted the photos. Say “I know I said that I don’t want these photos and then ended up letting you take them but being totally honest, I was caught off guard when you did take them. I need you to delete those photos and I will endeavour in future to be direct with you so that you don’t get the wrong idea and in turn I’d really appreciate it if you take me at my word”
I think the guy I was ‘involved’ with probably had some code/red ambers and arguably behaved like an assclown with me in a lot of ways. But I also know that men treat women that they are ‘into’ differently so I always had a hard time separating his disinterested behaviour with his character thinking that if he found me more attractive/was more into me, he would want to be with me, wouldn’t lie to get out of stuff etc.
Having said that, as I obsessively read through the posts on this blog, I feel so humiliated and desperate because he told me fairly early on he didn’t want a ‘relationship’ but he didn’t just want a booty call, he wanted to come over and cook for me and talk and stuff. But I can’t say he blew hot at the beginning or future faked and romanced me like so many of the women on here that are now understandably devastated. I feel like it took so much less for me to create so much more in my head and that makes me feel like such an idiot.
I was on and off with him for 3 years. He would tell me that he loves me and for periods he would call me daily (emotional airbag-never asked about me) and then it would drop off some when he felt more secure/didn’t need me as much. When I would try to set boundaries (like I can’t talk to you every day if you don’t want a relationship) he would ignore what I said and then blow somewhat hot by saying (even though he doesn’t want a relationship right now) he does love me, “when you care about someone, you want to talk to them everyday”. I am 38 with no kids and he would often say we should have a baby (but had no intention of showing up for me first). Sometimes he would say, if you have my baby I will be your partner. I don’t know if he actually ever would have done it if I called his bluff but saying this to me when I know my child rearing years are coming to a close and that I loved him felt very self-serving and manipulative. I know that fits into assclown and it is also normalized for him in his family/cirlce to have kids with women you know will be a good mother but not necessarily partner with them.
Just a few slices of lots of crazy things running through my head. But ultimately, he never promised me anything, didn’t…
Lisa, don’t feel like an idiot. Yes, ok, you should have bailed when he said he didn’t want a relationship, but you’re only human! This guy sounds like the classic “I want to have my cake and eat it too” dude. In his mind, he’s said he doesn’t want a relationship, so therefor he’s entitled to say and do whatever suits him that day/minute/nanosecond, but because he’s put that disclaimer on it, it’s therefor your fault if get the wrong idea. If you buy into this, it’s like saying that he’s a toddler that doesn’t understand what the impact of his actions are. Obviously, if he says he loves you, you are going to get the idea that this is not a casual relationship. In my opinion, he sounds incredibly self-centered and like he doesn’t have his sh*t together. Also, is there a greater future faking comment than “We should have a baby together”?! Having a baby together would imply that you are in each other’s lives for at least 18 years. He sounds like the type of guy that saw a cute baby on the street that day, and because he’s all whims and of the moment “ideas”, he busted out that statement. This guy is in no way a loss and this kind of behavior tells me that it has little to do with him not being into you. Hope you are feeling better soon! Stay strong
I called my AC on that one. Although I hesitate to write about cause stupid me stuck around for 2 years after. He pulled the baby card with me, and at first I thought this was too soon, so I decided to call him on it. I told him my doctor said it was not too late for me to have a baby – isn’t that good – boy did he start eatting his words – it was rather funny to watch him squirm. RED FLAG – and I stayed for more – man do I have tons of work to do!!
Thank you Aimee for giving me the giggles! That is HILARIOUS! But that is what works!
Thank you Natasha. Your reply was helpful and thoughtful. I loved him and was so incredibly attracted to him and wanted to believe every word he said despite his actions not indicating much interest. I just can’t shake the feeling that if I were more attractive, he would have committed to me. It’s hard to recover from this break up because you feel the loss and the longing and the sting of rejection. He’s love women before, just not me.
Thanks for replying Natalie. I have said to him that it was my bad for letting him think it was ok and that I be upfront with him next time. I would like him to not disregard me again. But I can tell already that he gets caught up. I have after 3 months let my guard down because he has shown me some very respectful behaviour.. ..all a show? But then ive almost forgotten all my good work and slipped into a couple of old habits. I’ve shown him how to disarm me. This won’t be happening any more. Ive got to
keep up and see if he sticks around..