How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men
Also useful for spotting the physically and spiritually unavailable men!
He has a girlfriend
He’s married
He’s recently separated
He has a long distance relationship
He’s very reliant on text messages, IM’ing and email for the majority of his contact
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call
He says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend’;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behaviour or he just skirts the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He lives with his ex
He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is his friend
He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously
He’s not over his ex – openly
He says he’s over his ex but he’s quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship
He mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them often
He’s an overt mother lover – mummy’s boy
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother
He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to. Ever.
He’s one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else
He won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating
He doesn’t come around to your place until late
He is resistant to involving himself in your life
He talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way
He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he wants to meet up
He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship
He never refers to you as a girlfriend, partner or any form of significant other
He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called ‘emotion’
There are pockets of time when he seems to just disappear, and then he resurfaces with little or no explanation
It feels like he blows hot and cold
He’s quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter
He tells you that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with
He actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ but is still with you
He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by
He can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule – everything that he’s asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yay or nay
He’s got about as much emotion in him as a stone
He may try and sleep with you on the first night
Your thoughts?
Originally appeared on The Mr Unavailable Guide, another Baggage Reclaim site.
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more
Ananda September 14th, 2006, 2:49 am
I woud add that the man is careless in his attention towards you.
Angie September 20th, 2006, 3:10 am
When a friend or relative of his ties the knot, he’s certain they’ve made a mistake.
Leeza October 2nd, 2006, 11:47 am
He can’t commit to a bathtowel. And I agree with Ananda. Shamelessly shabby treatment. Glad I woke up to myself
Elizabeth October 9th, 2006, 1:33 am
I agree with he’s quick to pursue, then completely backs off once he has reeled you in. My boyfriend (oops, now ex as of one week ago) would tell me he couldn’t make plans with me because he MIGHT make plans with a friend. I always thought this was ok because we still saw each other frequently. But in retrospect I can see the pattern. For 3 and a half years he ditched my anytime someone else wanted to hang out. The times we saw each other were when neither of us had plans, or in his case potential plans.
Corrina December 9th, 2006, 2:49 pm
I’ve just realised from reading this that I’ve allowed myself to get into a ‘thing’ with an emotionally unavailable man. He lured me in, we spent ‘couply’ days together, talked a lot, he introduced me to friends, bought me a birthday present, but as soon as I casually mentioned that even though I was happy with the arrangement, I did like him, he backed off completely.
I now realise he’s a coward and has no backbone. He says one thing but does something completely different.
Therefore, I have erased both his numbers from my phone and deleted all text messages from him.
If he only wants me on his terms, then I’m afraid he can’t have me.
Kathy February 9th, 2007, 6:46 pm
Way to go Corrina!
I’m sure there are many more ways to spot one.
I might add: that the one whom I dated briefly, relied on his buddies opinions about a woman even when they’ve never met her. His excuse was he had made wrong choices in the past and felt he was incapable of making a right one so he would turn to them to decide.
He also stated that he planned on living alone for the rest of his life, and that, I’m sure will happen.
jj February 23rd, 2007, 7:13 pm
He says that he does not want a relationship but and when you back off from him, he tries to get you back, only to repeat the same pattern.
Susan March 28th, 2007, 3:03 am
He is the KING of mixed signals!! When he is asked to clarify where the friendship/relationship is going, it’s always YOUR fault for being too pushy, clingy, etc.
Rachel April 5th, 2007, 9:04 pm
Totally agree with is really pushy/keen from the start but when you start to show more of an interest backs off like mad. Also, discribes ex girlfriends as ’she was really needy’, I mean what is that about? Just cos you might ask for a change ‘when are we going to get together next’, rather than him, does that make you needy? They want to control the pace of the relationship not you.Lastly, they are very quick to get to the sex thing and when its over that intimate feeling is just not there, making you feel used. Important lesson - if you’re not getting what you want from a relationship, its time to get out of it.
sabrina April 21st, 2007, 10:46 am
This is very familiar, I have just been dumped by someone who I now see is emotionally unavailable. I recognise the majority of these statements… and how hurtful it has all been.
We work together and I was very reluctant to start an office romance, yet he pursued relentlessly and i gave in.
Yet the relationship, had to be kept a secret. I adhered to his schedule. He wouldn’t commit to meeting my friends. There was real pressure to sleep with him. And when we did sleep with each other, the “dates” stopped. he had a super kingsize bed and couldn’t get close enough to the edge the bed when I was in it, so he wasn’t in my proximity! same when we sat on the sofa’s!
He constantly referred to his ex girls friends… so and so got too serious too soon, she was a bit older and was to settle down etc. lots of stories about his ex wife… and any amount about how fabulous the girls at work were.
His favourite suggestion to me at the start of the “relationship” was too “marry him and have 10 ten kids”. What the hell is that all about.
I had no intention of ever having 10 but I mourn the loss of the one or two I may have had with him, which makes it even worse.
But this one would appear to be a little more cruel, he was happy to tell me that I was his partner / girlfriend… just so long as no one else knew.
As a background his ex wife had cheated on him more than once and I think he’d actually caught her. they had a son and she was very demanding of his time to look after the wee boy. work has been a constant source of pressure too…
Yet he had the audacity to incidate I had been causing him to feel pressure!!!!! OBVIOUSLY IT MUST OF BEEN ME, THERE WASN’T ANYTHING ELSE CONTRIBUTING TO HIS BUSY LIFE!!!.
Stupidly, I have now asked if we could try again… and the poor mite is “feeling bad” and if i’m asked I probably will go back to him.
Tracie April 26th, 2007, 4:50 pm
I called my EUM after reading comments on this site the night before. It was so utterly sad and pitiful the way in which he feigned such complete and total ignorance as to whom had he dated first. I needed to know if I was the other woman or was she. He was so mean that I literally could not bellieve this was the same guy I had given myself to so completely for 8 months. To make a long story short, he ended the conversation by advising me not to take my anger out on the kids(I’m a school teacher) and wishing me very good day. I thought that my day would be disasterous and stressful. But being a Christian, I am amazed at what the Lord has placed in my heart- a PROFOUND sense of HIS love/plans for me and my life, and that the man HE would provide for me WOULD NOT be a creep like this one.
I was truly trying to spin straw into gold, begging and pleading for the straw to immeditely do so. I also saw clearly for the first time in my life that EUM are mean, sick, lonely, and miserable people who I DON’T DESERVE because my Father has so much more in store for me than that.
Count this as my testimony of Jesus Christ and who I am in Him.
Stay strong sisters, and know whether you believe in Him or not, God does Love you and wants a lot more for your life than what we have settled for! As for me and my Heart- I will serve the Lord.
“For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for you to prosper and not harm you.” Jeremiah 29
Jocelyn July 1st, 2007, 4:57 pm
I am seeing a EUM. Part of me wants it to end and my desperate side wants to just take what I can get. I keep telling my self that he is still healing from a cheating wife and given time he see the wonderful lady I am.
At 36 I know when something isn’t good, but why do I allow myself to be treated in such a way. I have dated 4 EUM which suggests to me that I have some unresolved issuses of my own.
To anyone who is being ignored, hurt, stood up, insulted and emotionally abused by a EUM, we are worth more than that. I plan on taking my own advise. It is not that bad being alone it is kind of peaceful.
Monique July 17th, 2007, 6:22 pm
July 15, 2007 at 12:52PM
I was seeing an EUM for about 12 weeks but technically not that long because I broke it off twice in the last six weeks. We probably had five weeks of dating (him) constantly calling me ( him) talking about marriage (him) telling me he loved me (him) holding onto me at night like he was trying to melt my body into his ( I sweat so much I almost awoke with an afro) Me resisting and despite having that irritable bowel syndrome feeling in my stomach letting my self melt away into the cloud of his attention on the edge of 23 story building. HAD I MET MY HUSBAND! Actually around the second week I told him not to call me anymore because he went ghost one night and it felt uneasy (IBS)-something did not feel right. So I told him to lose my number and of course he left several messages and texts begging me to give him a chance. That is when he said he loved me and that I reminded him of this grandmother ( no offense his mother is kinda shaky character wise so I did not take offense to being compared to I guess the only positive female in his life- that should have been a sign) Well I should have listened to my intuition then. Thank God I do not hop into bed quickly. (Not judging anyone else) To make a long story short he saw me in my professional capacity watched me (for several weeks) asked about me and asked me out around the last week in April. But neglected to reveal that he and his ex fiance got back together in MARCH!!!! The only thing I can say is listen to your gut the first time. One thing I am proud of is that I was not instantly attracted to him. I had to hear his resume and see some of the actual fruits of it which made him appear successful and driven. ( as the water started squirting from the cracks) Which says to me that the instant rush of being attracted to a PATHOLOGICAL LYING ALCOHOLIC SEX ADDICT IS GONE!!!!
Ginger September 5th, 2007, 5:39 am
Thanx for all the input. I realized it AFTER I read it that I have done it again!! I know this sounds like a cliche but there are deep rooted reasons for everything we do in life. Humans learn things in their family of origin. It is there that I fell in love with my first EUM, my dad. Sure, he was in the home, but certainly not plugged in to his kids. Not able to really bond with me or know me intimately as a dad should. I’ve been chasing his affection in other men for years now and it needs to stop. Just taking inventory girls. My guess is that the EUM’s out there have “Mommy” issues that prevent them from getting close. I know my guy does and he doesn’t want to deal with them. No time for “fixing”. Life is short. Time to move on!
7Towers September 30th, 2007, 6:38 am
Bravo Ginger!
Take it from someone who has thought very deeply about this whole scene .. Most of us women who are drawn to this type man also have a profound unawareness going on within that cultivates the dynamic of the relationship.
You may not choose another man who is a drinker or some other behaivor that is glaring , but rest assured you will pick a man with the same core qualities just different window dressing ..
This is a fact and unless intense soul searching with rigorous honesty is done the underlying causes will remain hidden.
To live with a man like this is truly a nightmare and I don’t dismiss the life killing qualities coming from their part but What makes it most difficult is we women can find so many other woman to complain to for which we will find not only sympathy but an ally to validate how very wicked this man is , but sadly remaining unaware of our substantial contribution to the mix.
Ladies it is subtle , and here in America it is prevelant.
Our men are not behaving as men , and the women can’t help but take up the slack.. Tao help us all…
kaytiej November 2nd, 2007, 10:17 pm
What a great site! I love reading all of your comments — makes me feel better knowing that there are loads of other fabulous, strong women out there who are going through exactly what I am!
I am — or, at least am trying to no longer be, as of a few days ago — involved with an UAM who also has post-traumatic stress disorder. What a mess! I consider myself to be an incredibly intelligent and independent woman, but feel like a complete idiot for continuing to see this man, despite the red flags and warning signs.
Trying my best to follow the “no contact rule” right now — so far, so good. But, I also work with this guy, so that makes things incredibly difficult. It’s so hard to let go, despite the fact that you know THIS RELATIONSHIP SUCKS!
I now realize that this man is a carbon copy of my emotionally unavailable father, minus the alcoholism. So, I’m that little girl, all grown up now, who is still trying like mad to get that man’s attention and love. Pathetic! I want to stop this madness!!
Wish me luck, my forum friends — any words of encouragement or wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
Not His Anymore! November 16th, 2007, 6:20 am
“He is the KING of mixed signals!! When he is asked to clarify where the friendship/relationship is going, it’s always YOUR fault for being too pushy, clingy, etc.”
Totally concur with this. He refused to talk about our relationship for six months, and blamed me for wanting to talk about it; yet he told me that I owned him. I never owned him, and I’m sure I never will.
He’s just a pathetic creature, really… why would I want to spend my time trying to hook something like that?
Zooni January 26th, 2008, 11:16 pm
Dumped a week ago by an EUM who I believed to be my soulmate… together 3 months after 12 months of fancying each other. (Now I know why he never initially pursued me!!)
I truly believe the dumping has happened for a reason because I am finally going to rid myself of all my past relationship traumas.
I have been the nest-builder for 4 men now - preparing them for the next gf who incidentally they have all moved in with.
Sick and tired of it. Thought I’d got it right this time but when I told him I really liked him after 9 weeks I think he got scared and did a runner 2 weeks later - the excuse: the spark was gone and it needs to be 100%!! (Dream on m8 it was there till I told you I really liked you and was feeling vulnerable!)
Sad thing is he spent christmas with my family and me with his. everyone said they couldn’t believe how much he was into me. We looked right together and it was so easy (He said too easy and too serious too soon.hmm think there is mother issues going on here??)
It is his loss and my gain. Since he dumped me I have become so pro-active: I booked my flights to New Zealand for a month, saw a clairvoyant, am putting my house on the market, gonna finish my degree then emmigrate to NZ. I’m really working hard on exorcising all these traumas from my life. No more abandonment issues caused by having an EUM for a father, no more searching for him and no more beating myself up thinking I’m the one with the issues.
I believe we meet ppl for a reason. And you must remember that an ending opens the door for a new beginning.
You are all strong women. Exorcise these past traumas from your life and become the Goddess you are.
Love and light
xx
carla February 2nd, 2008, 3:29 am
Wow!! It is one thing to think that there are other women going through exactly what you are going through, and another to read individial womens’ posts and comments about it!!
I too allowed myself to get involved, yet again, with an EUM. At 36 you would think that I would have figured this stuff out by now, but apparently not!
So I met this guy online and we went out a several times, had great chemistry, a lot in common, and he called me all the time, almost every day. Then, I slept with him. The contact following became random at best, and was via email or text, no more phone calls. I knew right then that he was an EUM, but I acted like the crazy woman anyway, and sent some long winded rambling email asking what was up. After receiving a long winded rambling email in return, that never did answer my question, I decided to just end it, saying I wanted nothing to do with him, via email, since that seemed to be approporiate given the lack of verbal communication.
But then I did the unthinkable!! A month or so later he kept popping up - friends sent pics of us together, he ended up back in my contacts somehow, etc. I decided maybe it wasn’t him after all. Maybe it was me. So, I somehow -maybe through I serious blow to the head?? - thought it best to give it another try.
So, we talked a few times, emailed, had a few text conversations. All well and good. But then we went out again. That was over 5 weeks ago. I still haven’t actually talked to him or seen him since. I mean we played phone tag a couple of times, he emailed and sent a few texts, but only responded randomly.
So, again, I acted like the crazy woman and sent another long and rambling email asking what was up?
Hello?? Am I a glutton for punishment or what??
I realize that this man is a carbon copy of my emotionally unavailable father, alcoholism and all. Yep kaytiej, looks like I too am that little girl, all grown up now, who is still trying like mad to get that man’s attention and love. Pathetic!
It’s just so ironic - we seem to ignore who adores us, adore who ignores us, love who hurts us and hurt who loves us!!
I truly need to stop this madness!!
Cariss February 2nd, 2008, 10:16 pm
Hello, this is my first time commenting here. I had it like Carla but not as that bad.
I was emailing a guy who was from the west coast [ I am from the east coast].
He pulled a disappearing act on me also.
So I just stopped emailing him completely.
It’s been 8 or 9 days since I sent him an email and he hasn’t responded. We both met each other on a political blog.
I know the reason for the lack of interest. He was never interested in me. He put his email out for all to see and respond and like an idiot, I emailed him.
Then I kind of developed a crush on him.
I kept my emails short. His were longer.
But still I sensed he wasn’t all that interested.
Because I emailed him FIRST.
And….after 6 weeks of emailing….he never ever asked for my phone #.
Another LEMON come and gone.
But in my own mind, sleeping with him, let alone going to see him where he lives, were the last things on my mind.
Anyway, the way I see it. When a guy stops emailing or calling, the WORST thing a woman can do is email or call and say “what’s going on?” “Is something wrong?”
A woman should just disappear like the guy does.
Hot Alpha Female February 4th, 2008, 11:48 am
Dam emotionally unavailable men SUCK! Not only do they make you feel extremely happy at times, they can also make you feel extremely shitty at most times.
Hey im sure that these men are really nice people deep down. They just have so much baggage to deal with its not funny. And it’s not worth your time.
The thing is, sometimes attraction factors are super high for these unavailable men. Like what is the deal with that? I think it’s just cruel and unfair at times.
I’ve been complaining about an unavailable man for months. Man it drives me crazy and im the kind of person that likes to have control over my emotions.
The best thing that you can do with these people. Is accept that nothing will ever happen with them and that you deserve so much more! Yeh you have the hots for them, but get over it!
I found that the no contact rule is like the perfect counter for these kinds of guys. I applied the no contact rule to my emotionally unavailable man, told him I didn’t want to speak to him anymore and man did he put up a fight. Send me emails and text even though I told him not to contact me … I didn’t reply to any of them, but then I finally gave in.
As soon as I did, he became distant again - my emotions yet again dependant on whether he would contact me or not.
The lesson learned from that? Go out with better people. In that time with the no contact, I was able to separate my attraction for him and look at things more logically. I found out that he was actually quite immature and a bit of an idiot, someone definitely not worth my time! Now had I not done that … I would still be in goo gaa land about how freaken awesome he was.
So with the unavailable man? Wake up, smell the roses .. And you’ll realize that really you weren’t smelling roses at all……
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
jennie February 6th, 2008, 11:51 am
An EUM is the type of man with who’s been living with you for months but will still introduce you (reluctantly) at parties as his “date for the evening”.
ouch! i should have taken that as a cue to move on rather than a “challenge” to overcome.
Ladies! if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck, don’t waste your time and effort hoping for it to turn into a a swan because it will not!
Hot Alpha Female February 6th, 2008, 1:35 pm
Hi Jennie,
I couldnt agree with you more. I think that sometimes its hard for some chicks to see through this all because they are wearing the rose tinted glasses!!
I say kill the hope and go out with someone who is deserving of your time and attention!
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Emma February 9th, 2008, 7:28 pm
I can truly identify with you all my fellow sisters. Christmas 2007 I went to a office party and saw a guy I work with (was quite disappointed that it was him who called me over because I fancied this other colleague.) Anyway, i got so tipsy and he ended up taking me to the top of the boat for some fresh air. he told me that he liked me and asked to kiss me. Initally I just laughed in his face but when he said let’s go back inside i felt this big curious urge to kiss him. I called him back and we kissed. Now let me tell you, from the moment of that one kiss I was completely passionately hooked on him and had to have him for myself. From the monday at work it was constant flirting emails, phone calls and texts but he didn’t ask me out till 2 months later in February! He admitted to wanting to have sex with me and i was so naive and flattered. I was so hooked on him but he kept me at a distance all the time, not answering my calls or calling me late at night. sometimes I didn’t hear from him for days. My friend at work then told me that he had initally wanted some other woman i worked with but she didn’t want him but they would still walk home together and stuff. My friend even told me they go to the cinema and out for drinks every week; he never saw me that often. Even though he was blowing hot and cold (still telling other people how much he liked me including his mum) we slept together 8 months after the kiss. it was good for a while but he started to distance himself from me even more which made me really upset. In the end I told him to stop contacting me because i was falling for him and i didn’t want things to go further as i would get hurt. He pretended I had not said anything and lacked emotion. Up to today he still trys to contact me even though i’ve changed phone numbers (he leaves messages on my old phone) and looks at me in lust and still tries to speak to me at work. I’ve made the message extremely clear to leave me alone and he doesn’t listen. The sad thing is, is that he’s making it hard for me to meet other men because he’s always on my mind even though he’s an a** ho**. And what makes it even worse is that he’s the only guy i think about. i’m trying to move jobs to get away!
SSG February 10th, 2008, 7:26 am
All this sounds VERY familiar. I met a man online back in October, and we immediately hit it off. We exchanged emails and did A LOT of IMing and found we had a great deal in common. I live in the States and he lives in England, and he was adamant about coming over to meet me. He even said I was the woman he’d wanted all his life. Well. I then did the stupidest thing ever, and told him I loved him. He promptly disappeared for three days. He then came back, telling me he missed me terribly and that he loved me, too, and things were great for a few weeks. After Thanksgiving, we had a chat and he started whinging about his “aching lonliness” and “how he was destined to be alone.” He went into a deep depression and I did not speak to him again until Christmas. He was drunk when we started chatting and got even drunker over the course of a four hour IM, even once telling me to “STFU”. (He’d NEVER spoken that way to me before) I broke up with him two days later. We’ve spoken twice since then, but I’ve basically given up on him. I don’t know whether he’s EU or just a tard. Doesn’t matter, I guess.
Mags February 12th, 2008, 2:53 am
I am so grateful I’ve found this site and all of your input
I am also involved with who I THINK may be an EUA man. We’ve been dating a few months but we’re both kind of “Techies” so the text messages, etc. are typical. We talk every night to the point where he only gets a couple of hours of sleep a night. That makes me feel special.
But what I don’t understand is why he is so ambiguous about our relationship. I suppose it is commitment related.
But what REALLY has me scratching my head is why he won’t refer to me as someone he’s in a relationship with. It’s like he is hiding me. I really feel that I am someone a man should be very proud of
It makes me so sad and I don’t understand why the “hiding”. I am introduced to his friends as we happen to see them… he doesn’t invite me as his date to any function his friends are at. Why is this? I would really appreciate advice on this mystery (as least it is to me).
Thank you all again for finding this site and sharing your thoughts and experiences. They mean a lot.
jennie February 13th, 2008, 2:03 am
found two awesome quotes from Marilyn Monroe that i thought were sooo fitting i just had to post them:
“I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and sometimes hard to handle; but if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at by best. ”
” I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right. you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
And by the way i’m on day 17 of cutting contact and Ive never felt more strong, sexy, and in control of my own life! It may suck and hurt at first, but if you can stay strong through the first couple weeks, cutting contact is well worth the effort.
Scott February 15th, 2008, 6:36 am
The estrogen just reeks at this site. None of you women deserve to have a man, what with this crappy pretentious romance-novel approach you have to dating and relationships. You hypocrites bitch about how guys are attracted to just looks, yet you do it yourselves and date guys who are hot jerks! You pick complete jerks to date, shamelessly throwing yourselves at them, then whine about how they treat you like crap! You all deserve the misery you inflict on yourselves.
Siena February 15th, 2008, 4:39 pm
Oh dear, Scott, go away!
Like all the lovely ladies before me, I too was involved with an EUM. HE reeled me in and then grew cold and distant until he needed me to do something for him again. This lasted 5 years and another thing, he never removed his wedding photos and photos of his ex after 15 years! But I am confused as he keeps my letters in which I offer him my loving support.
I know this as I used my key to check his desk…
anyone reason why my letters still may mean something to him?
FinallyOverIt February 26th, 2008, 10:06 pm
I just ended it with my EUM after almost three years of an undefined “relationship” that was a continous rollercoast of emotions–he exhibited the typical “blowing hot and cold”, distancing himself, at times was incredibly wonderful, and then would run away like a scared bunny. I justified a lot of his behavior because I loved him, and my self-esteem was such that I would gladly take whatever scraps he threw my way. I felt that the good times outweighed the bad, and if I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have anyone.
I know that it is really hard to pull away from relationships, even when they are toxic and poisonous to us. We are so attached to the dynamics of being involved with EUMs because THAT IS ALL WE KNOW. And, like the old saying goes, “you go with what you know.” Most of us who get involved with EUMs have, or have had, distant fathers. So, with every relationship with an EUM, we are desparate to find the love we never got from our father from the EUM. Because, if that were to happen, our wounded selves would be healed once and for all! But, as we know, it doesn’t happen that way. All we can do is move on and the next man who comes into our lives, make sure that we see and recognize any red flags that tell us they are an EUM (those of us who have continued the pattern and who read this website should be really good at recognizing these red flags, ladies!) and WALK AWAY. It’s as simple as that. And then, when we finally find a man that treats us with respect, fulfills our needs and loves us consistently and without fear, we can finally tell ourselves, “Oh, okay so this is what it feels like to be truly loved.” I wish that for all of you! I love this website, it has helped me so much. Thank you, all.
mary February 27th, 2008, 9:58 pm
i thought he love me to,he treat it me like a qween,but i aways knew,was not right from the start,i read all these comment ,and i knew all ,but cose we love them we keep hopeing,but now i am stronger then ever ,they all cheaters,and thats the way they stay,,i was always unhappy,like some of you say here ,we happy when with them ,when they live ,we are sad,mow i got the power ,he is not going to knews me any more ,i am so glad i founf this site ,,,every morning ,when i get up ,i have a cup of coffee and read all your comments,,,and this is makeing me more strong,,,,when i tryed to live him ,he came behind my door,,,i go talk to him ,,he came ,this time i did not ,,he send mesege,i did not anser him,,i feel i am stronger now ,,how long these men is going to use us ,dont let them ladys ,,,8 years i went to hell with him ,no moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……..i can write a book the things i been thurgh this 8 years ,but i learend my lesson no more ,,,,,no more ,,,,,thanks ladys ,keep strong ,,,,,
danielle February 28th, 2008, 4:33 am
I just recently found this sight, and like many of you sit here every day reading comments and different pages of this sight hoping for some strenght and courage to do what I need to do.
I have been in a “relationship” for 2 yrs now, if you can call it that. My so called significant other is far from that. I have sat here waiting and waiting for something to change and nothing has, the only problem is that I sit here hoping that today is the day that it will change, and it doesnt. I feel lost and afraid, and dont know what to do.
Its my EUM’s birthday tomorrow, he will be 38yrs old, and I havent seen him for a week now. I mean yea he tx’s me and has called twice but thats about it. Better yet he is leaving friday to go to Daytona for Bike week with all his guy friends for the week, and hasnt even considered seeing me before he leaves (obviously because its now almost thursday). I had back surgery last week and he disappeared for 3 days, and when he did call on wed he never even bothered to come see me and see if I needed anything. The only way I saw him last week was because I went to his house which is an hr away. YES after I just had surgery done, and trying to manage 3 children on my own.
I am a beautiful girl, still have the body of a twenty yr old, but I guess I am just so torn down by these men that I have allowed in my life that I have no self esteem or confidence…. which alotta my friends find hard to believe due to the fact that I was an exotic dancer for the past 9 yrs. I have no retired and am bartending because for the past yr 1/2 I was told by my EUM that it was due to my job that he couldnt have a serious relationship with me, now that I have moved on things are still the same. When I met him he was just recently seperated from his wife and so I figured that it was going to take a little time and freedom for him to commit but still nothing. He has come and gone and yes had told me over that time he couldnt commit, but when we did get back together 7 months ago he said he was ready and he wanted a relationship and wanted to spend his life with me, that he didnt want to live the “bachelor” life anymore and that he was going to try to make this work. Well he had mad some effort the first few months, but still there is always something… work his friends, his houses arent sold yet so we cant live together, he works all day and is to tired to drive here an hr, he loves me but…. he wants to be with me but… but but but….. its going to take a little time….. I am tired of being put last and waiting and wondering and feeling like my needs and what I want doesnt matter, still, I want to believe that what he is saying is true and that maybe I just need to give it some time. I actuality our actual “relationship” has been for 7 months, because before that it wasnt much either.
I read all of this and my mouth drops cause …wow thats my guy…. all these things I;ve heard before, its like they are givin a book. I love him, I really really do, and when we are together things are really great, I have never felt that way with anyone, but no, its not enough. I sit here day after day still waiting and still needing something more. I deserve that. But I am to afraid to let him go, and I dont know why. I pray every night that God help me figure out the right thing to do but one more day just passes by. I think…”ok I’m going to tell him, after this trip you need to give me more and make me a part of your life or I cant do this anymore”…. but 1. I’m afraid to… and 2. Will I really be able to leave when he doesnt?
I Dont know what to do anymore, but I’m tired of feeling this way, tired of the excuses and sitting at home alone every night, tired of not knowing his family and him wanting to show everyone what a great girlfriend he has. What is wrong with me????
HELP!!!
Leila February 28th, 2008, 9:57 am
To Danielle, Ask God to give you the courage and the strength to walk away from this unhealthy relationship. I myself was involved with a man for -ready for this- 12 years. I met him when I was 15/16 and he’s 10 years older, so he had my mind. It took me to leave the state to move on with my life because I knew if I stayed I would continue to get sucked up. As I sit here today, I just want to cry for allowing myself to be devalued and disrespected. Looking back I had no self-love, low self-esteem and no self-worth. Here’s an example, the girlfriend he was with and lived with while I was “waiting” on him, he left her I got pregnant and he went and lived with another woman with 2 kids(not his) and to make mattes worse since the state I lived in I had no family in just him -I ran away from home when I met him. It gets worse, I too use to be a exotic dancer but once I got pregnant I said I would never come back so after I had my baby the job i was working wasn’t cutting it financially so he convinced the new girlfriend to watch my baby while I was at work. I didn’t have a choice because I didn’t have the money (he paid my rent but that’s it) , so I had to go there every day and let me tell you the pain I can’t describe. The job I worked for I worked 6 days a week and this new girlfriend didn’t work at all, he took care of her. But that pathetic unhealthy relationship is over with, I’m back with my family. So my message to you is don’t waste another second, another minute because you will regret it. You see all the signs so did I but I chose not to listen. If you have to ask for more time, more him then that should tell you something. Open your eyes. He doesn’t love u he’s just a selfish man that will hold on to you so no one else can have you. Let him go, it’s hard but God got your back and besides most importantly this type of relationship isn’t good for your children .
internetgirl38 February 29th, 2008, 1:22 am
Hi peace and love ladies, Danielle sound like you don’t actually have a man, just the dream. Emotionally your man is a corpse so bury him already! You’ve got to toughen up and take control of this situation. There is nothing, I mean nothing you can do to get these kind of guys to do what you want or give you what you want. He is not around anyways so move on. How could he not see you during your back surgery…that’s cold blooded. What is it that you are afraid of…telling him what you want will make him leave? Well he’s not around anyway…what are you losing…lonliness, broken promises, callus behavior, neglect,feeling like your always off balance on a limb, scared all the time? Why hold on to that? You are living in a near constant state of panic, fear, and saddness. For what? A few rare moments of bliss? When the bad outweighs the good is time to go girl. You should be past furious at this man…you don’t deserve this type of treatment.
Please reclaim your dignity and attach some value to it. That’s what I had to do to get away from these type of fools. Make your dignity and self-worth, and pride so valuable you won’t tolerate anything but the best. It makes chucking these fools so much easier and is in fact, very satisfying. Why don’t you tell his family what a rotten boyfriend he is when he starts singing about how great you are, then finish by telling them that you are too good for him, you deserve better, and your leaving his sorry ass to find yourself and someone better. Tell HIM that excuses are like assholes…everybody got one and his time is up. Break up with this man…and unless his is willing to change his ways AND commit don’t give him the time of day. In fact, I would disappear just like he has, when he calls be busy…better yet be out meeting people. Join meetup.com in your area and start your life out loud. Spend some time on your self and heal this guy has put you through the ringer and it sounds like you are ready to leave you just need the final push and you are afraid of the unknown. It’s going to be hard…it’s always hard to get over a break up, but we all have done it and you can do it too. There are wonderful men out there waiting for a wonderful you to happen to them, but its not going to happen if you don’t leave this guy and commit to getting better and feeling better and going on with you life. It’s okay to love someone and do absolutely nothing wrong and they don’t love you back or they leave, mistreat you, etc. You have done nothing wrong by loving this man…but staying with him and not getting what you want is the part that is wrong in addition to him pulling you along. Cut off contact now and take a deep breath tell your friends and family whats going on and lean on them for support that’s part of their job. They will help you and you won’t be alone.
scales February 29th, 2008, 9:22 pm
I also have a story to tell. I met a guy online two months ago. We hit it off really great, but I was cautious because he was only a year out of a bad marriage. He told me he loved me about 2 weeks into our relationship, I said nothing. He panicked and told me he hoped he didnt screw up a good thing by saying this. I promptly reassured him that he didnt and within a day or so decided I was ready to tell him I loved him too. So things are going great, we talk for hours every night, He lives an hour away and one day gets his cell phone bill. Its a thousand dollars! He sais it doesnt matter, that money is no object. He tells me Im awsome, that with him Ill always be safe, loved, beautifull. So here is this perfect man. How can I not fall for him?? Just two weeks ago he gives me a gold ring with diamonds and all…and then it starts. He is making promises he doesnt keep, Im letting him know that Im disappointed, but that I understand. He cant see me last sunday cause he has lots of stuff to do. So I email him that I miss him terribly and hope everything is ok, I tell him I love him. He emails me this message: ” I hope you didnt forget where it sais in my online profile that Im looking for someone secure and independent”. Ouch! Two months of perfect(maby I was blind) and then this? It goes on to explain how he tried to please his wife for 10 years ..bla bla bla. He is having a flashback to his marriage. I email him that i need more from him…He emails back telling me about his day and asking me to dinner on friday!? Like nothing happened. So I agree to go and I havent heard from him since. Three days now, dinner is supposed to be tonite. I want so desperately to confront him and ask him why? And I havent (i shouldnt right?), thanks to a friend who made me swear i wouldnt contact him first. I still hope but deep inside I know its done. It feels soo bad! Ive seen this before, my last two relationships. It seems that I do attract this kind of man for some reason. And the first thing Is always to ask “what did I do wrong?” I really hope I learn my lesson this time. If he does contact me again, what should I tell him? I am so glad I found this site. So many wonderfull strong wemen here. It really helps to know Im not alone.
FinallyOverIt February 29th, 2008, 10:03 pm
If he contacts you again, I would tell him that you realize that he isn’t emotionally ready to get involved in another relationship yet, and that you do not want to continue seeing him. This sounds a little different to me than the typical “emotional unavailable man” because it sounds like he is capable of having a relationship, but he is still healing from his failed marriage. I would chalk it up to bad timing, and move on. It obviously has nothing to do with you–the only thing YOU may have done wrong was put too much faith and trust into someone that isn’t ready for a relationship yet. I also think it’s kind of weird that he would give you a ring after only such a short time into the relationship. I guess for me that would have been red flag, but I know when emotions are involved, you don’t always pick up on those red flags. Don’t beat yourself up about this–learn from the experience, and keep your head held high!
danielle March 1st, 2008, 9:12 pm
Dear Scales,
TRUST me I know how you feel. Your story sounds kinda like mine, with less time involved. My EUM always did that to me, he would get involved and start making a relationship with me and when we’d start to get close and I’d bring up “US” and where our relationship was going he’d either pull a disappearing act or turn it around and make me feel like I was doing something wrong by trying to talk about our relationship. I could never understand what the big deal is and now I am starting to believe that a man that is untrustworthy doesnt like to answer any kinda relationship questions because if he does and doesnt answer truthfully he is then lying, BUT if he doesnt talk about anything and finds someone to go with the flow, then he isnt lying or being untruthful, because he never had to answer. Might be wrong but I know that my guy got away with alotta crap, and I allowed that to happen.
I will not try to give you advice because I am also in this crappy situation, my EUM , as I wrote in my last post, asking for advice,…. has now been pretty much avoiding me. He was supposed to leave today for daytona and I had asked him to call last night so that I could talk to him. Not only didnt he call to talk to me like I asked he never even cared to see me before he left for his week full of fun with the guys! yea great….. I went into work last night after not hearing anything from him last night, he decided to tx me at about 10:00pm, I was so upset that I had decided that I was not going to answer, of course after a few more tx’s I gave in, hoping to get an appology or hear something that would make me feel better but it never happened and all he did was talk about him and how he was on the road to Daytona….. not only was I hurt but I felt like an ass again txing him back and not letting him sit there and think about why I could possibly be mad. But my whole outlook on that is that I feel as an adult, with feelings, that I should have to play games with someone to get them to think about their actions. And really what difference is it gonna make. Anyway, our conversation was short, I did try to call last night after the few tx’s he sent but he didnt answer, which is probably a good thing because I was so furious for him just totally disrespecting me, and my feelings, that I would have flipped out. Still no word from the EUM today and I really dont care, its easier for me if he doesnt call. because I def am not calling him. Just need to get enough “balls” or get mad enough to totally cut him off. have thought about giving him an ultimatum but I’m almost sure it wont make a bit of difference.
I feel sorry for your pain, but hope that you realize that you’re not alone and that there are so many women in the same position, making the same choices and mistakes, but hopefully, through this sight we can lend an ear, some advice or just share a story and with a little time and courage we can feel better about getting ourselves out of the situations we’re in. I wish you luck and thank all of you for any advice that was also given to me. And appreciate any more comments and advice anyone else has. this sight is making me a little bit stronger one day at a time, and being a single mother of 3 kids, I am sincerely appreciative of finding this.
Love to all…..
scales March 2nd, 2008, 1:37 am
Your words of encouragement are making a huge difference. Its been 4 days without a word!! I still cant believe it. But Im slowly remembering little things that I said that slowly pushed him away. Like when I told him that I was feeling sick the other day and with a laugh added that it was the same feeling I had when I was pregnant. Another time when we agreed to spend two days in a row together I told him with excitement that it was going to be like a “honeymoon!” Then another time we talked about the possibility of us working the opposite shifts( he is a firefighter, Im thinking of becoming a cop) and I said with a laugh that if that happened we’d probably get divorced before we even get married! I see now that subcontiously I was already planning way into the future. Mistake!! Mind you he totally gave me the green light. These seemingly innocent comments must have set off alarm bells in his mind. I guess the lesson is keep your heart to yourself untill you really get to know somebody. He didnt deserve my love and devotion. We must remember to love ourself first. Be compassionate toward ourself. Ask yourself, would you let your little girl(if u had a daughter) get treated like this? I know the answer to that and I hope to give myself at least half as much reguard as I give my child. After all we are the biggest row models to our children. Ill leave you with this quote ” the love I want begins with me”. So Ill do what my friend did for me these last 4 days. To you Danielle and all of you who continue to suffer: HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU! Trust in the godesses that you are and move on. NOW!! Love to all.
P.S. I considered pawning the ring and going to get a manicure, but I think Ill wear it to remind me to be smarter next time.
danielle March 2nd, 2008, 8:15 am
Dear scales,
It is NOT your fault, you did absolutly nothing wrong by saying the things that you did. And if thats what he hasn’t contacted you over then screw him, he doesnt deserve to be in a comitted relationship with you. Speaking from your heart and fantacising about a future with the person we are supposed to be in a relationship with is not wrong, and only now am I starting to realize this. I actually cant believe my eyes that I am saying this because, I need to take my own advice. we dont deserve to be neglected and have all of our dreams shattered by a man that doesnt want to commit.
My guy hasnt called me either, and like I had posted the other day, it was his birthady thursday, not only didnt he spend it with me but when I had asked him to call me so i could talk to him I got a tx instead. He left yesterday (fri) for Daytona for a wk with his friends but didnt even bother to see me before he left……So TRUST me I understand and this was only one of may that I allowed him to pull on me in the past 2 yrs.
I do have 2 daughters, and you’re right, I would kill someone if they did this to one of them, so why do I continue to subject myself to it? I still dont know…..false hope I guess…..but all I have really gotten is alot of broken promises and lower self esteem. I hope that I, along with all of you suffering, can find the strength to be strong and let go.
You sound like you might be ready and further along then me!! But I do know that you shouldn’t feel like you did anything wrong. We intend to blame ourselves for their unavailability, but its not us. we deserve the respect any other human does….and a real man would not run from those simple comments, if he did, that should show you that he’ll prob run from even more serious issues if you did get married. And you dont need that. WOW i seriously need to take my own advice!!
your not alone and alot of what I did say I have just learned by reading the book from this sight that you can buy and download, which is called Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. So far very interesting and eye opening. So maybe try that out. But I wish you luck strength and courage to take control and feel better. Hope that for all of us!! xoxoxo
scales March 2nd, 2008, 5:26 pm
Danielle, I see you getting stronger already! Just stay on that track. I am further along than you only because It was 2 months for me not 2 years. Today is day 5 and I am starting to see more clearly and you will too, maby at day 60, but you will. You know, after I posted my last comments I felt a rush of goosebumps come over me. It was a good feeling. At least here there is a chance that what I say will make a littlebit of a difference in someoneelses life. It helps the healing.
leagirl March 6th, 2008, 6:43 am
Well Ladies….I have to say that I have all your comments and have been in a 17 year relationship 14 of those years married….how the hell did I let myself get so deep into this man. Something clicked in my head late last year that this person is emotionally unavailable….all that time I didn’t know what to call it. Now that I have been reading about EUM’s it painfully obvious. Its true they can’t hardly commit to anything. If it isn’t their way its no way, no compromising. Communication is null and void and if it brought up, its a “big” problem”. I have put alot of time and effort into this so called relationship but it has been me the whole time being the glue which is why we are still together. I am at the brink of leaving now…its never too late, but its late and the cow has jumped over the moon…dealing with emotionless people is difficult and I advise anyone If in a online, or regular dating relationship to make sure that you state up front that you have no time for EUM’s.
No Matter how Passionate the Sex is…that person will leave you feeling empty once its over. EUM people they may care for you, but you will never get the love back that you give. Many women have the problem of trying to fix which is what I thought that I could do….Believe me I know now
jennie March 6th, 2008, 7:02 am
okay, so i relapsed after week three of cutting contact because of the super sweet e-mails he sent me and the lonliness i couldn’t shake. things were blissfully happy for two weeks and that’s when he started back into his routine of no call, no show, no apologies. shortly after that i was sitting in the car listening to him go on and on about his promising local band and how he’s going to be a famous celebrated celebrity rockstar and nothing will stand in his way.
“i don’t want to be with a rockstar,” blurted out, “i want the guy back who i had in the beginning.”
he then went on a tyrade about me not believing in him and not supporting his dreams.
but what about my dreams? I want to settle down and raise a family in this little nowhere town he hates so much. someday i’d like to have the financial means to stop stripping and go back to school. i want a partner to support me in my goals and dreams too. and i refuse to be second best to a bunch of his looser band member buddies!
so with that he left and i watched from the driveway. i’m more disappointed in myself for allowing him back into my life only to be left crying in the snow alone after his car pulled away.
This time around i am allowing myself to cry, forget everything anyone ever said about being strong. cry yourself to sleep, cry yourself sick as long as noone is watching, and when you wake up in the morning it will be a new day, one that will hurt less than the day before. At some point I expect that i will run out of tears and tissues. after mourning my broken dreams and the loss of what could have been, i expect to move on and grow from this experience rather than to let it break me. had i stuck with the original plan of cutting contact, although it was hard, i wouldn’t be going through this again.
NML March 6th, 2008, 7:55 am
Jennie, sometimes it takes the experience of going back to put things into perspective. You need to let go of this fundamental thought and desire: “i want the guy back who i had in the beginning.” He doesn’t exist. What you are getting is what he is. If you imagine that he blows hot but always goes back to cold, you are asking for him to always be the ‘hot self’ when in reality, he is the lukewarm or cold self for the majority of the time. You haven’t adjusted your perception of him to reflect the fact that he is not behaving like the man you first met. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that if he was like that in the beginning that this is the real him. It was the beginning and we’re all putting on our best self at the beginning but for many it’s not the real them. Be careful of betting on potential or placing your dreams on a man who will consistently under-deliver.
I hope that you start to feel better and heal soon NML x
FinallyOverIt March 6th, 2008, 6:32 pm
Jennie, your story made me sad. It is heartbreaking to love someone who cannot love you back–the operative word here is CANNOT. I believe that EUMs are totally incapable of giving love to another human being. I feel sorry for them, because in the long haul, they are the ones that are missing out on having healthy, loving relationships. But we will survive these heartbreaks, and we will be the ones to eventually find happiness either with or without a man! This website has made me realize how many women are going through the pain of unrequited love with EUMs, and yet are surviving and moving on, and are learning from these sad and painful experiences. As each day goes by after “dumping” my EUM, I am beginning to see him for what he really is–I am no longer blinded by love, and little by little I am seeing that he is a sad, lonely little boy who doesn’t have a clue about how to connect with a woman in a truly loving, compassionate way. I think that is sad.
Jennie, I hope the best for you–stay strong, and believe that the pain you are going through now will eventually disappear, and your future holds wonderful things for you.
Porshee March 11th, 2008, 12:49 am
This website is totally awesome,I’m glad it exist.. I will visit here often…I just figured out the guy I was seeing for one year…
Porshee March 12th, 2008, 12:44 am
Finally over it, I really like your comments… so tell me…You said you was involved with this guy for 3 years right? I don’t understand when me are EUM why theb do they choose good women to jerk with emotionally when they know their motions is not present…the guy I was seeing frustated me for one year…I just couldn’t figure him out or understand if he was a player or what… all I knew is I didn’t know where I stood with this guy and he wasn’t like any other men I have ever know…When I was with him I was ok but when I wasn’t with him boy was I so lonely… truth is I was lonely while with him apart from sex…that was all we really had in common..this man never really tried to get to know me… he persued me until he thought he had me then it was when he was available to see me…My question to you is why do they stay in whatever they call it with you for years when they know they are not about or going to commit at all to any serious relationship? they guy I was seeing called us just kicking it..Friends with benefits sortof speak… I say was seeing for I’m done with him…. I was not going to allow myself to waste another year of my life with a man he can’t commit to me, only can perform sexually..women need so much more than that, besides what is empty sex…although my feelings became strong for this man, I knew I loved myself first and that I deserve so much more for I am a incredible woman…I was settling for so much less.. I thought this man was colder than the north pole, heartless and very empty…he donb’t care about nothing except himself I guess.,.. but I do realize UEM has to be very lonely for I believe they do want a relationship more than us all but they just can’t…so that has to be a sad indivuall,,, write me back…
getting there March 14th, 2008, 5:43 pm
i just ended a relationship with an UEM.. and I have the book on line about UEM, and it’s so so true.. This has been so hard the last month or so, but all the signs are there, and he’s still creeping in thinking we can be friends. I have officially started the NO CONTACT as of today.. I will keep you posted.. it won’t be easy, but it’s time to think about me for once…
FinallyOverIt March 14th, 2008, 8:11 pm
Porshee and Getting There–Hi ladies, yes I was with my EUM for 3 years, but only in “friendship”. We were never intimate, except for making out once when we were both drunk, but that happened about two and a half years ago! Three weeks ago I told him I could no longer be his friend, and he walked out of my life without a fight–without a word of even trying to keep our friendship intact. That hurt, but I know it is for the best. The hardest part of ending a “relationship” with an EUM is that your heart tells you one thing, and your head tells you another. In your head, you know you did the right thing, and I KNOW I did right by saying goodbye to this man–my therapist tells me that I missed (actually, chose to ignore) all of the red flags that came up after I met him to let me know that he was emotionally unavailable, and would never be able to give me what I needed in a relationship. But, I carried on with a friendship with him, hanging out with him, going to lunch and drinks with him, etc., etc. And in the process of doing that, he shared things with me about his life, allowed me to get to know him enough to fall in love with him. But it was never a two-way street. Most of our conversations were about him and his life. He shared a lot of his stories with me, but I couldn’t reciprocate. But, now that he is out of my life, my head keeps telling me “You did the right thing, he isn’t worth your time, he will never be what you want him to be…” But, my heart– my heart will not lie to me–this is what my heart is saying–I miss him, I miss his smile and his eyes–I miss hearing his voice, and his laughter. I miss Riley (his dog)–I am breaking into over this, but there isn’t anything to grieve because there was never anything there to begin with. There is nowhere to go with these feelings. How can they even be validated because I never should have had these feelings for him to begin with? It’s a pretty lonely feeling. But, that doesn’t negate the fact that I made the right decision. I have to work with this man, and I see him every day. That makes it extra hard, but I am a strong woman and I will get through this. You guys will, too. Just don’t be hard on yourselves because you cared for an EUM. I believe every experience we have that hurts us makes us stronger, and that much more ready to break this cycle of wanting men we cannot have. Again, this website has been my “therapy” during this rough time, and I feel like you guys are my own little support group! Thank you…..
Claudia March 17th, 2008, 8:23 pm
I was dating/seeing a guy who would always cancel plans with my last minutes…he would call me and tell me we should hang out and I would plan for it and get ready, and he would call or sometimes not, and cancel. He was still in love with his ex girlfriend, but tried to assure me that is totally over. Which it wasn’t, b/c he actually told me that they met up, while we were talking. We ONLY hung out when it was convienient for him. Whenever I would suggest doing something, it wasn’t good enough. I learned that he was a total flake!!!
Charlie March 18th, 2008, 10:58 am
Oh dear! I can relate to what you are all saying so much. I need to lose my EUM now as only dating 2 months and I can see all the signs. I am going to get really hurt. Tried to end it a couple of weeks ago but he turned on all the charm and said his “coolness” was just so he didn’t scare me away. Part of me still worries that I have read him wrong but……contact is mainly by text when it suits him, he never arranges the next date but has a tantrum if I can’t then go out, was like a stone emotionally when I shared my really bad day, is going on holiday at end of week but has not arranged to see me before, when with him he treats me like a princess and we have a great time but then he goes cold for a couple of days……need I go on anymore? I’m dating one aren’t I? Tell me to get out now please!
FinallyOverIt March 18th, 2008, 5:17 pm
Yes, Charlie, the red flags are flying! I would move on before you spend any more time with him, because the more attached you get, the harder it is to kick ‘em to the curb! Hang in there.
Charlie March 18th, 2008, 8:50 pm
Oh no! was determined to end it today but he has work leaving do tonight and celebrating and texting me constantly and don’t want to spoil his fun? I know he is still seeing lots girls and I am seeing others so I am not that perfect. Think it is a case of EMU meets EFU! Maybe I am wrong as I am not that emotionally available and have happily played game but have started to get attached and so has he. Know I need to escape but struggling………..
FinallyOverIt March 19th, 2008, 3:43 pm
Charlie, no one can tell you what to do, only you know what you are truly feeling inside, and you must have faith in your decisions, whether it be to stay or go. Sometimes it isn’t so cut and dried, however, it’s good that you are realizing that there could potentially be problems down the road. If you are not exclusively seeing this man and you are okay with him seeing other people, then I would just have fun with him and see what happens, and maybe try not to over-analyze it. That being said, if you were in this relationship for a long time–like over a year– and you were feeling this way, then that would be the time to start thinking about whether he is going to be able to give you what you need in the relationship, and if not, moving on with your life. Hope this helps!
alison March 19th, 2008, 6:43 pm
oh my goodness! this is great, all these posts ring a lot of bells… here’s my story, would be very greatful for any advice!
Have just come home from several years working in Africa in the humanitarian field, lots of hard work, fun and flings - not the ideal place to build a stable relationship! Following the advice of friends, concerned about my seemingly permanent single status at the age of 31, i reluctantly join a dating website.
So.. the very first man i meet, first date early January, sparks fly and i return home starry eyed convinced I have met the man of my life! He spent the next week bombarding me with emails and texts to the point where I got a little freaked out while enjoying the attention all the same. We chatted on msn most days, had a second date, then a third, all going well. He swept me off my feet with his combination of charm and awkwardness. Says its been 4 years since his last relationship and I believe I am the one to get him out of that rut.
Then, bam! he cancels the 4th date with no warning whasoever. Apparently it coincided with the markets crash in February and had an impact on his work. Since then… nothing. He says he’ll call, says he wants to see me - nothing.
We arrange a couple more dates, he cancels. Always last minute, always work related excuses. So i get all upset and decide to delete his number from my phone and let him contact me. I then send a (not too crazy, was quite reasonable i think!) email demanding an explanation. no reply.
Eventually after a few days silence i get a pathetic reply via msn (believe it or not I made first contact and said hi when i saw him online!) He apologises for not getting in touch, he’s been in hospital with stress-related back problems.
So of course, i feel terrible for being so self-obsessed when he is obviously suffering.. i go round with gifts, check how he is. He acts all bright and cheerful when he is obviously feeling terrible. All very strange and awkward. But he still insists he wants to see me, that we’ll do something over easter..etc.
That was last week. Since then - nothing! So after a couple of days, completely confused by his silence, I send another email telling him i think he’s a great guy but i am definitely getting bad vibes, he’s obviously no interested and i just want to forget it (admittedly not the smartest move, but once you’ve clicked “send” there’s no going back!).
No response to that one either…
This evening, still no response.
Am 50% angry with him for not getting in touch, 50% worried about his health and wondering if I am being too impatient when he is obviously going through a bad time.
and am 100% certain that whatever I do, it will be the wrong thing! and in the meantime just keep obsessing over those first few dates when everything seemed perfect and totally don’t understand where the turnaround came round.
I am hugely confused..and just keep thinking that if we can just get through his health problems everything will be fine.. but at the same time, i don’t know him well enough yet to judge if it’s his stress or ME that is causing him to withdraw..
i just dont understand WHY anyone would conciously act that way? i keep thinking he must have some major issues.. and i want to help him solve them.. am i being totally naive? why doesnt he just SAY if he is not interested? surely that would be much easier for both of us?
So - am i being too harsh with someone who is obviously suffering from stress? or too naive about the whole thing?
Should I persevere, swallow my pride and play nurse for a while until he gets better and see how it goes? or should i just ditch him?
It is the first time anything like this has happened to me, I am used to focussing on my work! And am really unhappy with the way he invades my every thought, every minute of the day!
Any advice please?
Karen March 19th, 2008, 11:55 pm
Alison,
For someone to keep making dates and then cancelling seems a little strange. I would back off and let him make the next move. You would be surprised how many men will play this kind of game instead of just coming out and saying they are not interested. It happens all the time. There could be several reasons why - maybe he is scared to tell the truth, maybe he isn’t sure how he feels and needs to sort it out or maybe he is seeing other women. But it seems you have been the one making contact lately so I would definately leave the ball in his court and see what he does with it. I was, still am involved with a EUM but he doesn’t make dates and cancel last minute, he just doesnt’ make very many of them to begin with. I would be very upset if I cleared my schedule for someone and got ready for a date just to have them cancel last minute. Everyone has emergencies, but that shouldn’t be happening over and over again.
Charlie March 22nd, 2008, 11:57 pm
Thank you Finally Over It for your support. I did end it just before he went away. He actually then sent me a text when I ended it saying how much he will miss me etc. etc. and he will contact me on his return. Which bit of its over didn’t he get (or accept)? Can’t imagine he will accept being dumped as too arrogant. I told him again not to contact me please on his return but I suspect he will still try. So……2 weeks where he can’t contact me and 2 weeks to prepare for coping with his next plan of action. Anyone any thoughs on what he will do next? I suspect he will persuade me to go out and talk, try and charm the pants off me, hook me in again and then go cool for a few days? Back to where we started.Was going to delete his number but then thought that better to know he is calling so can reject call and not get cuaght unawares but am also worried that in a weak moment I text him. Had a great date tonight and need to focus on the nice, effort free, drama free, normal guys I am dating. Ta xxx
Charlie March 22nd, 2008, 11:57 pm
Thank you Finally Over It for your support. I did end it just before he went away. He actually then sent me a text when I ended it saying how much he will miss me etc. etc. and he will contact me on his return. Which bit of its over didn’t he get (or accept)? Can’t imagine he will accept being dumped as too arrogant. I told him again not to contact me please on his return but I suspect he will still try. So……2 weeks where he can’t contact me and 2 weeks to prepare for coping with his next plan of action. Anyone any thoughs on what he will do next? I suspect he will persuade me to go out and talk, try and charm the pants off me, hook me in again and then go cool for a few days? Back to where we started.Was going to delete his number but then thought that better to know he is calling so can reject call and not get cuaght unawares but am also worried that in a weak moment I text him. Had a great date tonight and need to focus on the nice, effort free, drama free, normal guys I am dating. Ta xxx
Jen April 4th, 2008, 9:46 am
Signs he may live with some one or be married: When he does call you–it is strangely never from his home–he may call you from his car–or from work/school–but never at home. And if you call him during a time he is at home–he doesn’t pick up and you only get a text page back–or the next day he’ll say his phone was off. If this happens once or twice its totally normal and shouldnt be suspect–but when this is the status quo and happens with almost every phone conversation–you may have a problem.
Sheila April 8th, 2008, 3:21 pm
I was just reading these posts and this one made me chuckle…..
He emails me this message: ” I hope you didnt forget wh