In an excerpt from my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I share some of the most common signs and behaviour’s that you’re involved with a Mr Unavailable – an emotionally, and often spiritually and physically unavailable man. More often than not, the primary issue that women focus on is the emotional unavailability, but there are always physical and spiritual issues to prop it up. Mr Unavailable isn’t a Bad Boy per se and has nice qualities, which is what keeps the millions of women lingering around.
He is the ambiguous, hard to read, very attractive anomaly that sits between a Bad Boy and Mr Nice Guy. Mr Unavailable (or as some refer to him EUM – emotionally unavailable man) is one of the most dangerous men that you could meet and every day his inability to tap into his emotions and into himself has millions of women investing their time and energy into fruitless liaisons with him.
His characteristics, personality and behaviour give the women he engages with, just enough of a hint of what he could be, if only he wasn’t so self-involved and quite messed up.
They have a host of excuses as to why they can’t be as much of a partner as we would like them to be and they blame “timing”, and tell you that “If only things were different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend” but that doesn’t explain why they continue to play havoc with your emotions.
Mr Unavailables are very much about the chase. They pursue hard, shower you with attention and lay it on thick with a trowel in order to reel you in, but from the moment that you are hooked and things get comfortable, he backs off. Then he homes in again. This is the Pushey Pulley Game that he uses to achieve The Status Quo. After a while it seems like they want to avoid doing anything that involves them being close to you despite starting off the “relationship” very eagerly.
Here are just some of the signs that you’re with a Mr Unavailable. If you find one sign, you’ll find many, but often one sign is enough and you should use this to evaluate whether this is the type of relationship that you actually want to be involved in, because each and every one of these signs, especially when more than one of them exists, spell pain and trouble. Here goes…
He has a girlfriend or is married – read my post on being the other woman.
He’s recently separated – read my post on how to cope when he’s separated.
Or he’s divorced but clinging to the fact that he’s been divorced to avoid committing – see my post on ‘Am I right not to go back to my flip-flapping divorcee?‘
He’s in a long distance relationship. With someone else. Or you’re in one with him and he has no desire to get closer – read my roughguide to a new long distance relationship.
He’s very reliant on text messages, instant messaging and email for the majority of his contact – read my post on why you should be wary of any man who is reliant on text messaging etc.
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship – check out my post on defining the relationship.
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while.
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call.
He says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend’;'If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’.
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behaviour or he just skirts the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He lives with his ex.
He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is his friend.
He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously.
He’s openly not over his ex.
He says he’s over his ex but he’s quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship.
He mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them often.
He’s an overt mother lover/mummy’s boy.
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother.
He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to. Ever.
He’s one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else.
He won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating.
He doesn’t come around to your place until late.
He is resistant to involving himself in your life.
He talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way.
He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he wants to meet up.
He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship.
He never refers to you as a girlfriend, partner or any form of significant other.
He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called ‘emotion’.
There are pockets of time when he seems to just disappear, and then he resurfaces with little or no explanation.
It feels like he blows hot and cold.
He’s quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter.
He tells you that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with.
He actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, but is still with you.
He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by.
He can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule. Everything that he’s asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yay or nay.
Hes got about as much emotion in him as a stone.
He may try and sleep with you on the first night.
Make sure you are aware of the implications of red flags in relationships and having little or no boundaries
Your thoughts?
For over 300 pages of detail on Mr Unavailable’s and the difficult relationships you can become involved in, check out my ebook Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl. If you’re trying to let go of a relationship, but struggling, also check out my ebook The No Contact Rule.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Claire no disrespect but walk on..You have been in no contact for 3 weeks and your most likely feeling the withdrawals of having no contact especially having such a beautiful occasion as your birthday pass and no contact made by him (I’m sure that hurts) but the reality is your not responsible for him, he is fully aware of his issues with commitment and yet if he’s not sought out help then he really doesn’t want to get married or have kids as he’s led you to believe or he would have done something to help him get over his fears and done it on his own and if he hasn’t sought help then he doesn’t desire help….It has to be his decision to get help or it won’t work. 41 years of bad relationship patterns can’t be fixed b/c you want them to.
My suggestion is to stay in no contact, don’t take him back until he has proven he’s sought some longterm help.
I could be wrong but it seems you feel if you get him help he will suddenly be healed, healed enough to see how great you are and give you the relationship you want (your fantasy relationship) and it just doesn’t work like that, believe me when I say that his issues are much bigger you and he will be in therapy for another 40 years trying to sort out his baggage.
The best thing you can do for yourself is move on, life is too short, if you truly want to get married and have babies then find a man that matches your value system, someone who cares about you just as much as you care about him and is capable of DOING a real relationship that isn’t frought with fears. This man is not the man that can give that to you not now probably not ever.
I totally agree with Natalie when it comes to changing a EUM…A hardcore EUM does not deviate from his patterns for nothing, he can’t even be tricked into it. I doubt that Gloria’s guy was a hardcore EUM, he may just be out typical I want to have fun don’t have a real reason to get serious about anyone kind of guy, met a woman such as Gloria that behaved in attractive ways that didn’t scare him into running for the hills IMO most women know a EUM from a regular guy that is hesitant to settle down, there is a distinct difference with those 2 types of men.
If he’s really an EUM then Gloria will at some point see those behaviors and fears resurface again but if he’s not a classic EUM and just a guy afraid to commit to the wrong woman then she most likely will not have to deal with any of the in and out behaviors that involve these kind of men amongst a whole ton of other bad behaviors well they should lead a fairly healthy pattern as they move forward…
Congrats and Enjoy!
Yes Kay, Eve you are right, he is aware of his issues already and there’s really no point in me going into further detail with him, he might only end up resenting me as he is clearly already aware. He even told me when we broke up that he feels EU and cared about me and didn’t want to do to me what he has done to other women in the past. We have messaged just once since -he said some caring things and that he is finding it hard to make this transition from being with me (i replied saying things happen for a reason and that i think it’s for the best as we both have things we need to work on within ourselves). I guess he will have to make his own decision whether to get some real help, it’s just that I know how hard he is trying and he really tried to make things work with me but just felt all “closed up inside”. He seems to think that he just needs more (i quote him) “time to restore my head back to normality” since this last girl broke his heart, but i just wish he would realize that 1. They did not have a healthy relationship that lasted any length of time, he was just obsessed with her because she was EU to him and never wanted commitment from him and 2. that time alone will not be enough to make this big change, this problem has been going with him for many, many years. Unfortunately, he also has that EUM trait of being a coward so I can’t imagine him taking the plunge to go get therapy. It’s sad and hard to let go of the only person I have ever loved with all my heart especially when i know they were trying to hard to get there and it felt like they were almost there….but its 4 weeks today and walk on I shall.
Claire,
I have thought the same about my EUM that I have stopped seeing now for two weeks: should I send him some reading material? Your EUM seems to have told you that he is already fully aware of his “issues”. It sounds like he is consciously aware and has even ut the right name to them himself. I am not sure if my EUM is consciously aware – he has said things that indicate he knows he is “bad with relationships” / “doesn’t connect with people easily” / feels he is in a “loveless tomb” and such the like… but I don’t think he truly understands the force of his problem and its effect on the women he involve himself with. So, I too, am wondering if I should try to “enlighten” him – perhaps at least let him see in black and white how his behaviour affects his life and the damgae it causes to women like me… I don’t believe tat I can “fix” him. I can only sort myself out, but I wonder if I can at least open his mind to the possibilities of hos own “redemption” if not for his own sake, for the sake of other women he is/will get involved with – I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy! – and I feel if I just walk and say nothing, do nothing, that I am not doing other potential 2ictims” any favours.
Anyone care to comment?
Fairless, you can’t “save” any future victims, you can’t help him either, all you can do is fix and help yourself. You are not responsible for his behavior, you didn’t cause it and you can’t fix it. You can’t enlighten him either, especially if he is EUM, you are just another woman. If he wanted to something about it, he would, but he isn’t. Like smoking or losing weight, you can talk until you are blue in the face, unless he really wants it you are waisting your time. Look out for yourself, you are the most important person in your life.
I agree with Astelle.
When he is truly fed up, he may address his own behavior. You cannot “enlighten” him, he will not accept it.
Work on you, that should be your only focus.
Thanks, Estelle and Allison. I know in my guts you are right. I just need to convince my head! I won’t try to ‘enlighten’ him… he’s a smart guy – he can enlighten himself, if he cares to. He, and the rest of them, I assume, don’t really think they have a problem; “it’s just the way I am”, sort of thing – they certainly don’t ever take responsibility for their own behaviour. They think they are ‘different’ from other men who behave badly in relationships. He once told me is not “that kind of man” – that he knows lots of men who cheat on their wives all the time and think nothing of it, but that he has a conscience! I felt like saying to him: ‘so all these other men are rats but you, on the other hand, are a rat with a conscience!’.
I didn’t say that of course (though I should have) because I kew he would be furious about the word “rat” and sorm off having been so badly insulted! Instead I just said that ‘wether you think you are like tese men or not, it has turned into a ‘way of life for you’. He looked surprised at that comment as if it was contrary to his own view of himself.
Strangely, he sees himself as a great supporter of human rights and humanity in general; he contributes regular amounts to certain charities; is a memebr of Amnesty International and such the like… strange that he connects with human suffering but not with the misery he himself causes to real individual human beings.
Anyway, I do bang on…. thanks for your comments.
xx
Fearless,
It’s interesting, isn’t it, how they make sure we KNOW how much better they are than other men! Like not cheating or beating means they can’t make women miserable in other ways.
It’s also interesting how you know which charities he is involved in. My ex-AC made sure I knew from the beginning about his good deeds. He even had a couple of thank you notes on his fridge, and he pointed them out and then read them out loud.
Did your guy make sure you knew about his?
When someone brags about their own goodness, even if what they say is true, I have to wonder why they feel the need to point it out. Is it because their everyday behavior and character are not really as great as they like to sound?
Ha! The letters on the fridge! That’s priceless. My ex-AC went on a helping others mission after dropping me (and certainly not helping me with some joint responsibilities he left behind). They’re riddled with inconsistencies stemming from their monstrous egos. Anyway, I don’t think helping them is worth it. Don’t get me wrong, I often fantasize about this conversation where we both bring all our intimacy stuff to the table and both walk away feeling more whole and more evolved for the experience. But, the truth is, often these guys don’t actually want to change. They like the feeling of being disjointed, and are addicted to the unhappy, woeful ending. They don’t want to be caught or saved because they don’t really want to be known. Maybe they will change, eventually, but you or I won’t be able to enjoy that. The newly converted often kick those who knew them pre-conversion!
One thing I have noticed which is related to the “pointing out the good deeds” and the “love of the chase” is that these guys tend to be really big approval seekers. Maybe they didn’t get much love and approval from a parent or an early partner who cheated, but it seems that they do not care about the people that think highly of them, they switch off to you when you reciprocate feelings and start to care deeply about them….they only switch on and chase the approval of those who don’t care about them and don’t think so much of them. Pointing out good deeds makes them is approval seeking behaviour. My guy wrote to me once about some downtown feed the homeless thing he did on a saturday at 8am, i thought “what a great guy” and it sounded like it was something he does every so often. When i was with him some weeks later at an event for HIS company, his PA made a joke in front of me about how it was a miracle that finally this year he had decided to do a charity event in feeding the homeless – his company does loads of this stuff but it seems that he the boss never gets involved. This one time he did and felt the need to point it out to me and make out it like it was a regular thing. The lightbulb went off in my head when his PA said this, but it’s only now reading your comments that I really think about it and laugh. They approval seek from those who don’t care about them. Why I now think that you shouldn’t get in touch and write a letter Fearless is because it is too caring of you and he just wont respond except in resentment towards you or he’ll think “she couldn’t get what she wanted so she hates me”. He will only respond to anything you point out like this when he can tell that you really don’t care about him so much, you don’t even hate him or have anger towards him, you just don’t care because he isn’t what you want…that’s when he’ll sit up and listen – if you can be bothered.
“He will only respond to anything you point out like this when he can tell that you really don’t care about him so much, you don’t even hate him or have anger towards him, you just don’t care because he isn’t what you want…that’s when he’ll sit up and listen – if you can be bothered.”
Spot on.