Welcome back! Have you got my ebooks - The No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl? Also become a fan of Baggage Reclaim on Facebook, follow me onTwitter, and join the forum.
Also useful for spotting the physically and spiritually unavailable men!
He has a girlfriend
He’s married
He’s recently separated
He has a long distance relationship
He’s very reliant on text messages, IM’ing and email for the majority of his contact
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call
He says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend’;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behaviour or he just skirts the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He lives with his ex
He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is his friend
He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously
He’s not over his ex – openly
He says he’s over his ex but he’s quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship
He mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them often
He’s an overt mother lover – mummy’s boy
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother
He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to. Ever.
He’s one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else
He won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating
He doesn’t come around to your place until late
He is resistant to involving himself in your life
He talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way
He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he wants to meet up
He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship
He never refers to you as a girlfriend, partner or any form of significant other
He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called ‘emotion’
There are pockets of time when he seems to just disappear, and then he resurfaces with little or no explanation
It feels like he blows hot and cold
He’s quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter
He tells you that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with
He actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ but is still with you
He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by
He can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule – everything that he’s asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yay or nay
He’s got about as much emotion in him as a stone
He may try and sleep with you on the first night
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
{ 7 trackbacks }
{ 334 comments }
← Previous Comments
Yesterday, I told my Aquarius boyfriend to leave. It felt so dam good and honestly I think I should have done it a long time ago. This past weekend my car was given me problems, so he took it to go get fixed. He called me around 5:00p.m. and told me a little things that was going wrong with it and he said he would call me back. I didn’t here from him till Sunday morning around 10:00a.m. The sad thing about it was that I had to call him. He doesn’t have a cell phone(it’s broke) and he said that he was over his mother house. I did call and his brother and he said that he wasn’t there the first time I called. Then I called again and he said “my bad girl I was knocked out that boy is out there working on that car” I didn’t believe that one bit. I really think that the car was fixed on Saturday. He didn’t even have the nerves to call me to say that he was going to spend the night over his mother’s house. I have been so good to him. I have three kids of my own and I even took care of his two kids not to keep him, but because their mother is on drugs and have no part of their lives. I cook, clean, take care of the family and have been faithful to this man. He’s all over me one day and the next day he isn’t. I told him to leave while I was at work. When I got home he was gone….he left his DVD player and some clothes in the washer. I don’t know if he just forgot it or did it on purpose. I truly love this man and I wish that we could work it out, but he has got to get it together. I don’t ask for much so how could he do me this way. He left me a letter telling me that he will always love me and my kids with all his heart(I wonder did he mean it) Do you think he will call? Do you think he’s hurting? Do you think he miss me? Help me please someone…..
@ Nikki,
Unfortunately, you seem to be headed onto a really rough road. You would like to make a relationship happen, and for him to change to be responsible.
As the song goes, shoes don’t stretch, and men don’t change.
If he has two kids with a woman on drugs, then he has serious issues with addiction – either himself and substance abuse, or repercussions from living with a substance abuser. Same with his kids. He will need years to clean up his act, before you date trust him, his word, or anything about him. It will likely be at least years before you might find something to respect.
This guy sees dating as social recreation, with one purpose – a successful date gets one laid. He isn’t interested in a family or home, though he finds someone else’s home comfortable. He isn’t about to share lives, though, that would mean being responsible for himself and living as a mate and co-parent. Instead this perpetual dater is going to continue spending his life trying to win bed partners.
I see your choice as horrible. That is, either accept that he isn’t going to change, and make the best of things – or choose a life without him, and address whatever values and misunderstandings in your life let you even consider this low-life as an intimate companion.
Telling this guy to leave is one thing. But you are still hoping to make up and make a real life for yourself and your kids. Separating your kids from his kids is going to be a stressor – changes generally affect kids pretty hard.
I will not tell you what to do. I hope you do realize that while you told him to leave, you are still sitting there waiting for him to take control of your life, including your children, and make it all better. That kind of dependence and trust in him probably won’t come out really happy, even if he does call again.
While you are waiting, you might want to look at NML’s ebook, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
Best of luck.
Hi Brad,
Do you have any feedback on what I posted above?
I posted here on this blog in the hopes that someone might read what I wrote and respond with their advice, experience, thoughts..
Thank you
@ WantToHeal,
I think your guy is unavailable. Whether he is overextended with school and work, whether he is overly attached to home or his parents, I don’t know and I don’t care. He isn’t making time in his life for you; he isn’t available.
You were his fallback girl. If you have a chance, NML’s ebook Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl discusses what it means, when you partner is an EUM – and why there is a similar fear or reluctance to share lives that makes you notice and accept this kind of flaw.
Just briefly, continuing to find and try guys that are unavailable, means that are also likely unsure about how close to get, and yet not be willing to get *too* close. I don’t think it was necessarily your father dying, as much as I wonder what your relationship was with your father before he passed away. Girls often pick guys that share some character traits with their father or other role models in their childhood.
If you want a different kind of companion, a different kind of relationship – a sharing home and shared lives with a trusted and respected life-mate – then you will need to understand have a basis for expecting only the best guy in the world. You need to start with your self esteem, to understand and confront your fears of respect and intimacy and being loved.
Don’t get side tracked by the details with this or other guys. He may have meant what he said, about loving you , plans, etc. But his actions were deplorable. He didn’t share his home with you – how could he possibly ever think he would be able to share love or responsibility as a mate or intimate partner? He wasn’t proud enough of you to want his parents to enjoy your company. He thought he was dating – and not sharing lives, thus the run home.
I am reminded of the disappointed morning after scene from Will Smith’s movie “Hitch” – - “I never saw a guy get dressed that fast.” This isn’t bad manners, this is deliberate. This is something a school kid does to avoid getting caught doing something wrong. This is how a “successful” date ends – for the perpetual dater, the one using dating as social recreation rather than to court a mate prospect, the one that has no intention or understanding of sharing lives and making a home.
When a kid starts college, he/she can tell you exactly what classes will lead to graduation in what discipline, and where they will work after graduating. Your guy knew, at that superficial, it-isn’t-real-yet level, that he wanted to marry, and you would do as well as anyone he had met. He loved the idea of marrying, of getting that dreary “find a mate” part taken care of so he didn’t have to think about it. No offense, but he never considered sharing his life with you, and didn’t understand what that would have meant.
You might look at NML’s articles on No Contact. No Contact is a way to break free from a relationship causing you harm. You actively prevent the bozo from contacting you if he wanted to. No Contact means that you would never know if he tried to call – you change your number and prevent him from finding the new number. NC means you never get his emails and text messages – you have him blocked, or have your email and text filters grab the message, mark it “read” and move it to the Junk folder. You drop your Facebook or other profiles, and don’t set up another one that he might recognize as yours – no matter how many friends he goes to to get past your filter.
With No Contact, a formal plan to create a space to heal here at Baggage Reclaim, you would not wonder if he will call – you would be assured that you had prevented ever learning that he tried to call you or send something to you.
No Contact is not the number of days since you broke up and he hasn’t called. If he could call you, and you would get the call, that is “since we broke up” counting, not No Contact.
Part of what you are doing, now, is looking for advice on how to bring him back, to make him the most wonderful guy you would need. Shoes don’t stretch, as the song goes, and men don’t change.
This guy has displayed no character, no discipline, and takes no responsibility for what his delays and failures mean to your life. This may make a fun date, a rewarding sex adventure, but this guy sucks, as a life mate prospect. I recommend you move on, and start working on your self esteem, and your fears.
Accept that you need someone available, that waiting for this guy is not patience, but a waste of time. You might as well wait for a tree to finish growing. The tree won’t quit growing before it starts falling apart, and this guy won’t be worth having if he finishes his school, or moves away from Mom.
To be clear – living with his folks might or might not mean anything. Not living in a way that he is proud to share and show – that is extremely important. Talking about loving you, but not meeting your friends, not wanting his parents to know you – that is horribly important. Not spending the night when invited – that is rude. Terminally, disrespectfully rude.
It shouldn’t have taken two meetings with him, to spot how withdrawn, how fearful, how unavailable he is. Before trying to date again, you need to understand why you saw him as anything more than someone you might be acquainted with for a time. Work on your self esteem, so you will know in your gut when some dude is out for a cheap thrill, instead of wanting you for who you are.
Luck.
Hi Brad,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond back to me. I was looking for validation and you clarified for me what I had experienced with this EUM man. Your advice is great. I am going to get myself a copy of both of these ebooks.
Thank you!!
I also want to mention that he told me regarding living together that both his mother and father told him to never live with a woman because she can kick you out at anytime, therefore he wanted us to get a place of our own with both our names on the lease. I understand his point, but I can also that he was scared of having a woman leave him. I’m not sure if this had happened to him in the past. He also told me that school and work would help him get ahead in life, that they would be there for him, women come and go. It’s like he found security in knowing he would have something in life if he was directing his energy towards school and work, but if he directed that same energy and commitment towards having a relationship, that relationship might not be there tomorrow.
He was scared of having a relationship, as was I. I can see now how we “mirrored” each other.
I meant to say “I understand his point, but I can also “see” that he was scared of having a woman leave him.”
@WantToHeal,
WhenI borrow a book from the library that has nothing in it that is useful, I take it back. And I don’t worry about the book or the details.
You are still worrying about his details.
It doesn’t matter if he is still dependent on his parents for ethics and character (past 4 is an issue!), or if he is afraid, or ignorant of what his role in life and his role in his community should mean.
Thinking that getting a place in both your names somehow ties you to the relationship is warped. He wants to bind you, so he won’t waste time worrying about that. How ignorant is that! What binds us to a relationship is our willingness and desire to be there. Overlook that simple fact, and relationships are likely to end.
Anyway, he isn’t just sharing inexpensive lodging with his parents – he is still living at home, as his parent’s child. His plans are about as likely and dependable as anyone else about to start High School. Whatever their age.
I would never wait for anyone. If they are not disciplined and honorable enough to avoid engaging with someone when they cannot meet their responsibilities at the time, they don’t have enough character to be worthwhile some time later.
What he is going to be thinking when he finishes school, gets that fine job, and feels manly – is that he needs a woman that will be his wife, with social status. Not someone that would wait around for a student.
Begging and sweet words are never worth as much as actions.
LOVE this site and all the great advice/stories on here.
My first love, whom I met at 18, was classic EUM. Of course, that was before this site or any constructive help was out there, so I went round and round with him for FOUR YEARS before I moved on. Back and forth, push and pull, hot and cold, great sex but lacking emotional intimacy. So many of the things described on this site applied to me. I willingly took a demotion from girlfriend to FWB, willingly was the other woman after offering up a paltry six-month resistance, did so many other demeaning and self-destructive things, all in the name of “catching” this man who, while he may have cared for me, never knew HOW to love or treat a woman, and never would have treated me any better than an unpaid prostitute. He’s been with another lady since I ended it for good, must be eight or nine years by now, and I’m sure he’s doing the same to her, because he still calls me, asking me to meet him for “old times’ sake”.
I don’t, ever.
And since things ended with him, I’ve been in love with two emotionally available, loving, committed men. And while those relationships ended for their own reasons, it wasn’t the constant push-pull, round and round roller coaster of the first. So while I realize there’s a part of me attracted to shithead EUMs, I am capable of a loving, caring, mutually committed relationship.
However, my last one of those ended spectacularly about nine months ago. After six months of deep mourning and being a complete shut-in, I emerged this summer to begin dating again. And had a blast. Met many many men. Fun ones. Crazy ones. Successful ones. Not-so-successful ones. Confident ones. Insecure ones. None of them held my interest for longer than two weeks.
And then…
You know what’s coming…
One night, after pretty much the WORST day of work, I took myself out for a few drinks to drown my sorrows. Made eye contact with a gorgeous man in a gorgeous suit (love a man in a suit!), waved him over to sit next to me, and ended up smack dab in the middle of another crazy mess of a relationship with an EUM. I found this site after googling “how to tell if you’re dating a married man”, because at first, that’s what I thought he was. I don’t think that any longer, I think he’s just emotionally unavailable and an assclown.
And thank god I did, because who knows how long I would have stayed on this merry-go-round with him, completely oblivious to my own behavior and how I was allowing him to play with my emotions. You would think I would have learned my lesson after my first EUM, but obviously I’ve needed to re-learn it. This site has helped me see that I’ve been allowing this man I’ve only “dated” (if you can call it that) for a month to dictate MY emotions, and how good a day I’m going to have.
So last night, I told him, if he wanted to be with me, he needed to step up and be with me. That’s I’ve been allowing him to be the exception to my rules long enough, and it was on him where we went from here, but I’m not going to do this craziness anymore.
Haven’t heard from him since. Honestly, I don’t expect to. And I’m just sick enough that I go back and forth between regretting sending that text (text, of course! Haven’t spoken to him on the phone for two weeks, red flag anyone?) and then being pissed at myself for regretting telling him how I actually feel and enforcing a boundary.
So from now on out, I will be clinging to this site and the great stories, words, and advice here, until I am strong enough to try and date again. It’s going to be a while. Obviously something is up with me if I’m attracting the same type of asshat at 30 that I was at 18.
Thinking about maybe seeing a therapist.
Thanks again to you all.
SSS-Welcome to this forum
I think isnt about just paying more atention to the guys we are atracted to but also on ourselves and I think there is where your problem started.Maybe you tried to be more selective with guys after your first experience with a EUM but you realy didnt work on yourself.Like maybe you can have self esteem problems,or dont have a nice relationship with yourself or not be able to set boundaries.Anyway my point is if you continued to atract EUM there is something on you that needs to be worked on yet.I think going to therapy like you said will be very beneficial to you to identificate what it is that keep atracting those guys to your life.
Anusha, thanks!
I think you’re definitely right. I thought, after EUM#1 “well, now I know what I don’t want”, so I found a man who was loving, open, and available. And didn’t really work on myself as you said, if anything, *I* became the EU in that relationship.
For the record, EUM#2 did text back, and asked what he needed to do to be with me, and what rules I was talking about, LOL, and I texted him back and told him what I wanted: more contact, actually SEEING him more than twice a month (we live three hours apart and are both professionals with busy careers — but I make time for HIM when he’s in town), consistency in his contact and following through on his promises. I haven’t heard back from him, but if he agrees and actually follows through, I will give him another shot. I’m not deluding myself into thinking that he will, though, but at least I feel that I’ve defined what I want from the relationship and I’m not rolling over and letting him get away with treating me shabbily. It’s time I stop expecting him to figure out what I want by osmosis and tell him. If he can’t do that, and I suspect that is the case, I will move on and work on myself and focus on my career and continuing education (school starts in late September, I’m almost done with my post-graduate work.)
Either way, I’ve asked my PCP for a referral to a counselor. Luckily, unlike so many other Americans, I have excellent health insurance through my employer, so I can actually go and get treatment if I need it.
ladies run for your lives these EUM are sick, they are also potentially emotionally abusive men and can ruin your self-esteem in the long they will drive you to do and say things you would not normally do, you become the crazy person because it is not their fault, mine was quick to commit so we could speed up they relationship, move some of his stuff in my house, only wanted to come late at night to my house once a week, every weekend had a headache or had something to do,l clean his house or mow his lawn always refuse my help never wanted anyone by his house always wanted to be by himself (turns out he was addicted to porn). He made all plans for vacations and holidays by himself, I was never included in his plan met mother and sister but was never taken to their home or invited to family functuons, never call when he said he would and get outrage if his motives were question. Finally, after 11 months of telling this man I am not the girl for him and trying to get rid of him out my life, of course, he was always so much in love with me and misses me and wanted to make it work even though he admits it would not work (thats because I was rebelling against his bull crop treatment towards me I know better) I have blocked his phone#s from my phone and if he shows up I will call the police and get a restraining order. In the beginning he told me he finally met the one he was looking for in me wanted to be stepdad to my child but they relationship turned out to be more like a booty call, ladies if it sounds too good to be through it probably is. These men are crazy n sick.
Well it has been a while. I went back to him. It was so nice just to chat (text) that I forgot about him being emotionally unavailable. That is until I asked for more time to hang out and watch a movie. Of course it was my fault. I ruined it. We were getting along so good and but then I dared to want him to spend “normal hours” with me. He went on about me texting too much when just the weekend before he had said he didn’t mind the texts and appreciated the attention. I reminded him of that but it didn’t seem to matter. I had already ruined it. Do they ever realize how they treat people? I want to help him but know I can’t.
Well here is my story.
I joined an STD dating site earlier this year and didn’t opt for full membership until months later due to my wanting to get more details on certain profiles that I was interested in.
Once I joined, I contacted approximately 12 to 15 men out of hundreds from all over the U.S that I found attractive. Why I didnt consider distance as a factor is probably irrelevant at this point, but I did contact those I found interesting and received about 5 replies over the course of a few months.
Out of the 5, I only had one real interest and that was with a man who lived 3,000 miles away from me. What did I hope to gain out of a long distance connection? I didn’t weigh the cost of distance, but gave the connection a chance to see where things may lead.
Little did I know that agreeing to an LDR may mean that I am not fully engaging myself in the relationship and finding the distance safe so that I can be somewhat unavailable myself.
@messed up,
We don’t like to think we are avoiding our fears when we make a choice that . . . just happens . . . to mean we don’t get close – and don’t get to share our lives with someone else.
Luck!
Well, I’m wondering if my current guy is a EUM. We’re older, 50’s. He came on really strong and has made a lot of hints about getting married, etc. He’s gifted me a lot. But then when I stayed with him last for 2 1/2 days, he really ran hot and cold. Not much sex (although he gave me lingerie), he pushed me away a couple of times right after we kissed – and it’s a LDR. Talks about his ex all the time and even though they’ve been divorced for 4 years and were only married maybe 2.5-3 yrs, he babysits her dog when she needs him and she cuts his hair once a month – am I being too closed minded to think this is kinda weird? He also keeps mentioning other women he went out with, women he’s friends with, and women who work somewhere who are beautiful or cute (it gets worked into the conversation one way or the other). If I tell him he’s handsome, he’s self deprecating.He walks around all the time in just shorts in public and talks about women in bikini’s at the beach, but balked a bit at PDA intiated by me (mild stuff). I’m feeling that weird push and pull like it’s dysfunctional and we’ve been going out for a pretty short time. I don’t know if he’s an EUM or a misogynist maybe? I know at my age, I should know, but …
@ ceci,
Actually, I don’t think his behavior is weird at all. For someone living in a relationship with his ex. He may not be married legally, but he is tied emotionally as if he were. He never healed from the marriage, he never stopped “being married”. He is not available. He has someone in his life.
And likely he never fixed whatever was wrong that his marriage fell apart. Because as you noticed, he isn’t whole-hearted in his affections for you.
A long distance relationship (LDR) seldom works for very long – usually it kills off an existing relationship – or if LDR from the start, means that you really didn’t want a life-mate, a shared life, either.
I think you are misunderstanding the link between public displays of affection (PDA) and ogling women or even flaunting his own skin. A PDA usually lies somewhere between rebellion against rules of good taste and modesty, and an exhibition of affection. Your mother didn’t want to think of you doing PDA; you don’t want to think of your kids doing PDA.
The ogling, the frequent comments on physical beauty – this is a skirt chaser. A perpetual dater. If a particularly attractive body catches his eye, then the next similar display will, too. This is a *bad* habit, and is an act of disrespect for the person being ogled, and pretty disrespectful of himself and you, too, as you likely noticed.
Since he is playing the field, has other women in his life, no matter what he tells you, he isn’t interested in a long term relationship. If you weren’t thinking “friends with benefits”, then you misunderstood who you picked for a partner.
You might find NML’s ebook, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl to be helpful. There is a reason that you chose a partner that is tied elsewhere, that isn’t acting as if he is interested in settling into a good relationship, or even that you are the only one in his life.
Take care.
And I thought I was the only one dealing…I met a 48 year old EUM in June who was full speed ahead wanting an “exclusive, committed, long-term relationship” with me. Even said he would wait for sexual relations. He knew just what a woman wanted to hear. Spent lots of time together at first even with his 24/48 firefighter schedule AND pt transporter job. All just seemed perfect. Then 10 wks later, the late night “friend” over but “nothing to worry about”…esp since he sent her on her way whn I showed up right. Sure, go figure. Well, I did figure and set some standards. THEN the real EUM stood up (didn’t like standards set)…:”really busy with work, not good with relationships, like my freedom, we could be friends, just have friends but tell them no commitment and they agree to it, this is not for me, okay to grow old without ever marrrying or having kids, we don’t have a relationship, it was the chase” blah blah blah. Cool, if that’s a EUM’s thing, don’t deceive – put it out there up front. Unfortunately some lower their standards for this type of mate while compromising what they really desire. Difficult enough dating in Atlanta area, but thanks to my ex-EUM, I’m a game or few smarter so I kept it moving to be available for an EAM. Ladies, is it any better in Texas or any where else?
Also beware sometimes immature boys are disguised by their receeding hair lines, being older does not necessarily make you a real man who form good relationships.
He says “When it come to emotions : I feel something, I think about it with my head and then have an emotion if it makes sense”. LOL….
My lover was emotionally unavailable. He would flirt with other girls in front of me, kissed 2 of my best friends, admitted he had a one-night stand with a friend he went to visit, all whilst he was telling he loved me – he just happened to be saying all the same things to my best friend too at the same time!
Nowadays I have a new partner but this guy still tries to kiss me and be very flirtatious when he IM’s me: he is openly sexual and asks very personal (sexual) questions. He admits he has jealousy issues. When I asked him about why he is like this (I thought at first he was just a womaniser) he said it was because he didn’t want to make himself vulnerable and admitted he was insecure and ‘meant nothing’. Unfortunately I am still partly in love with him despite my new partner but I know deep down I cannot change him.
You didn’t break them and you can’t fix’em. Sucks, but it’s true. These types of people don’t deserve your attention and you are too good for them. They are the one with the problem. Not You!! I learned that the hard way. Yes, I was pursued and dumped just like the rest of you. Worse, I left my boyfriend of three years for the idiot who did this to me. Wrong!! Lesson learned and moving on.
Hello….I think I might actually be going crazy-please help.
I am not in a proper relationship with my EUM (he doesn’t think we’re compatible, as I got too needy, too soon). However we stayed in close contact and have had sex a few times. Every so often he upsets me by being aloof or talking about other women. After a week or so of me ignoring him he always gets back in touch and it starts again. My question is this: even though we were never boyfriend and girlfriend, are still a EUM and his fallback girl? Do the things on the site apply to us.
Are men who are emotionally available include guys who are socially inept geniuses?
unavailable* I mean
Here is a great description I found that perfectly defines what I went thru with my assclown. Scary and sick thought processes…
The CoDA literature committee is working on a new piece of CoDA literature that addresses this topic, which is just beginning to be addressed in the therapeutic community and in recovery circles.
From the Counter-Dependent’s Point of View
I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.
Here�s how I�ll go about it.
I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions. I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine. When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. â��Why didnâ��t you tell me that? I will say.â�� Or â��I didnâ��t think youâ��d be interestedâ�� or â��I forgot.â�� I will pretend to be interested, but internally, I scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits. Also, I will make sure I donâ��t miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness– how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine. This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.
I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing on the computer or working outside, anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will go to bed early or stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she isn’t getting enough or needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wait until she makes a move, keep her deprived and then, when I decide its time, begin touching her, knowing sheâ��ll respond because Iâ��ve minimized affection and sheâ��s craving any intimacy Iâ��ll offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me. I will avoid calling her during the day or keep my pager or cell phone off or on silent mode, to avoid talking with her. When I do think of reaching out, I quickly find a reason not to.
To keep her within armâ��s reach, I will occasionally throw out a â��we should do X.â�� I may even really mean to do something with her, but I wonâ��t ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first… I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering asking her if she wants to go with me). But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off without getting my OK. After all, she always checks with me to see if Iâ��ll be home, so if she doesnâ��t check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it. I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together doing something she enjoys (unless it is something I want to do or convenient for me) or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm. When she stops initiating sex or dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun or intimate time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind her that she needs to initiate it I canâ��t always be the one initiating.
If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share. I will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions. If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she canâ��t continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to bipch at me anyway. When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going. Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we canâ��t communicate with each other or I will simply refuse to engage in a meaningful way, and say that counseling just doesn’t work for us.
Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her. Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide — without asking her first — to take her out to dinner so that she canâ��t say to her friends or my family He NEVER spends time alone with me. I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her. I also do things for her that I have procrastinated on, and then complain when she is unhappy that I waited so long to do them and accuse her of ingratitude.
I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities. Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation. That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable demands, criticism and insecurities.
When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention and criticize her for over-reacting. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I don�t need the hassle.
Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person. I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her. That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.
men like this also have a take it of leave it attidude
@am
I was blown away when I read that description in your post. That is what I went through. The x-EUM would give me a little affection and tenderness and then just as swiftly retract it.
We have been apart for 6 months (he dumped me via instant messenger) and during that period he contacted me a few times and acted like nothing had happened. He also denied dumping me. As he never dumped me, there was nothing to apologise about. He said I was crazy, obsessive and that I over reacted. This post by am helps me to understand the why.
What I find myself wondering is if he ever loved me. Although I don’t talk about him anymore or interact with him, I still think of him a lot. I wish that he could love me as I loved him, but I know that this is futile. So I’m trying to get over the relationship that never was. Are these guys capable of love?
Liberty Belle (formerly “Cynnie”)
A guy approached me that I haven’t seen in 3 years. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. We always had an attraction for one another, but never persued it. This time was different we have been dating a couple weeks now. Here’s the problem he has a one month old daughter and lives with his girlfriend. He says he really like me. What should I do?
Er…run in the opposite direction…
Hi all, I met a man online about 4 months ago, and it was all hot and heavy for the first month, then he became distant. At first I was alarmed and wondered what was wrong and asked him. He wasn’t sure. I decided to just go about my business and work on my online businesses and continue to go out and see my friends as I had done before I met him. Then his behavior turned around. It seems some guys want to make sure they aren’t getting a girl who is too wrapped up in them and has a life of their own. So, I’m suggesting that any of you who think you’re involved with a EUM (especially a new one), try just living your life as if the guy is just a part of it and not the whole kit and kaboodle, and it’s possible he might not be a EUM and may just be testing you/the waters. However, if you still get the silent treatment after a long period of time, then you may want to get out of the relationship. I am still observing my man to see what happens. He did just separate from his wife about 6 months ago, so yeah, he does have one of the characteristics of a possible EUM….but time will tell. In the meantime, I have a full life even if he weren’t there…he is not the sole source of my happiness. That’s important.
Hi everyone – this site has been a godsend. I also was involved with an EUM for 3 years. He was handsome, charming and boy did he lead me to believe he was something else. When the truth finally unveiled itself, I was already in love and wanting that person I had fallen in love with. The problem was, he was gone, We had so much in common, we enjoyed being with each other, we were best friends; but he always made me feel empty; like there was something missing. I knew that ultimately he was not the one but I could not let go. He ended up cheating on me and we broke up. I felt so guilty about losing him that we got back together after 6 months. We stayed together for another year and a half and it was me that was keeping the relationship together. He was definitely a user and he knew he had a good thing with me because I made good money, had my own home, etc. But when things started to fall apart again and I had expectations, he fled. One week later, he was with someone else and two months later, they are living together. The last six months have been hell for me because this man turned my life upside down and made me feel bad about myself. It was the classic case of what did I do wrong? How could this man who has nothing not be in love with this attractive, smart, successful girl. I beat myself up and it has been a long journey to healing. This site has made me feel like I am not alone. There were times that I felt my friends thought I was crazy because I could not get over this loser. My question is, I know the girl he is now living with. Do i warn her about him? I feel so guilty knowing that this girl is going to experience the same devestation as I did. Has anyone else felt the same?
@scott You have a point, but you don’t put it very well. The disney approach to a relationship certainly sucks. I’m a girl who long dispensed with “romantic crap” and being demanding of men. However, if you are looking for a relationship with a real connection, something where you can talk for hours and enjoy each others minds as well as bodies, something wholesome instead of just sex, then you o need to be wary for emotionally unavailable men. These men are control freaks, using you just for sex only and do not want to get to know your mind or make a connection with you that is genuine.
Girls, if its good then take it slowly. An if its only sex and no conversation then you know u have a problem.
Stumbled upon this blog after googling “compromise” Very interesting perspective here.. Now, I’m a young man – you guys might even call me an EUM – who after reading this list, felt compelled to share my tuppence.. Here’s some of the reason why I figure you may call me an EUM..
He has a long distance relationship
^^ Check, a long distance open relationship in fact.. I call my girlfriend most days, send her letters between couple of times a month.. She loves to travel, I’m stuck in the country for legal reasons..
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother
^^ I love my mother, but have some deep seated aggression/uneasiness/ and some surface level untrustingness/indifference toward her, which I’ve not quite explored in totality, which I’m in the process of now actually.. So more of a covert negative relationship.. We do love each other and talk a whole heap via email, letters etc.. And just recently saw each other for the first time in ten years
He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he wants to meet up
^^ I used to very much like this, am more inclined to compromise, for lack of a better word, or meet up when she wants, my time IS precious however and I spend a fair chunk of time working on projects, training, music etc..
He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship
^^ I REQUIRE and INSIST upon an open relationship.. the openness referring first and foremostly to the openness and honesty of communication channels within the relationship..
He may try and sleep with you on the first night
^^ Do or do not, there is no try.. Usually I will sleep with a woman on the first night, however I can’t be bothered with one night stands.. And I only will go to bed with women whom I admire and who embody those qualities that I look for in a friend, ideally life long..
He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously
^^ I don’t really ‘date’ per se, but I do openly share the fact that I WILL be sleeping with other women whilst I’m not sleeping with given woman to women.. To both avoid any confusion and/or resulting pain which may ensue if I’d not communicated this fact, and to be up front and honest in my doings..
He’s one big walking excuse.
^^ I make absolutely no excuses for my lifestyle, choices, conduct, values, way of being etc.. And am totally responsible for all of the above..
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
^^ Most, if not ALL of my lovers report the exact opposite.. They feel full, vibrant, glowing, healed, overwhelming love and joy, light, happy etc..
He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called ‘emotion’
^^ Sex for me is more of an intimacy building practice, a balancing and refining of the vital forces, a connexion deepener, a fun, enjoyable somewhat spiritual thing to share with people I love, respect and enjoy..
So as you can see, I almost fit into your idea of EUM, however a lot of my female friends & lovers mightn’t agree fully with that title – I’ll have to chat with a few of them to find out some more perspectives – because a lot of the time I AM there when they need someone to listen to them, I DO understand where they’re coming from (pardon the pun) and am COMPASSIONATE towards them..
Being in a relationship, THEY KNOW that I’m not going to be fully available to them on the deeper levels.. They enjoy me nonetheless because I AM able to relate to them and I feel this is a direct result of the freedom I’ve in my relationship, in that I’m not restricted by any fears n so forth that my beloved will leave me etc because I’m sharing time and intimacy with others..
Your thoughts??
← Previous Comments
Comments on this entry are closed.